The Betterment

July has been brutal. I don't mean hot, although sure it's be hot. I don't mean brutal like "bad." We have just been busy non-stop and it flew by so fast. Wasn't yesterday just the 4th? How is summer almost over?

I was texting with a friend last night, needing to catch up because so many little things have fallen through the cracks, especially with vacation prep, and we were doing our normal "how are things going," routine and she specifically asked about the hubby.

Yesterday he had mowed the yard, and mowed the neighbor's too because they have been kind to us that way, and helped an elderly neighbor with their trash bin, all while hosting the neighbor girl for a play date, making me some dinner and getting other chores done too. Last weekend when I had the kids with us, he brought me coffee often, he helped where and when he could, and he was nice even if I wasn't so receptive in that exact moment.

I relayed some of that to her and she says, "It seems like things have been going better this year." I stopped and read it and reread it a bit. Better. Things were better. Betterment. We had entered into some betterment.

A year ago this time we went back to Oregon for the first time together in years. There was a lot of anxiety about the trip and I was mentally struggling, but I was also adamant to make the most out of our first ever dual paid vacation off. When we returned I felt like maybe we could really make things better. That's when a little speed bump in the road of life seemingly left us a flat tire and no cell service. We weren't better, just yet.

After one last bad, bad situation, one last storm of epic proportion, finally a rainbow had appeared. It's been a work in progress. It has been one step, one day at a time. It has been anything but easy and I still move forward, cautiously optimistic. I will say that I feel we are on the right track after it all. We are getting better, bit by bit.

I became really good at struggling. I found my coping mechanisms, my deflections, and my ways to survive, but I didn't like being in that place. I became very much able to handle the storm. I learned to stuff everything down and swallow it so it wouldn't affect anyone but me. This was not a solution, it was just pure survival mode.

When you start learning about trauma, what trauma actually is, and paint-by-numbering your own experiences with it, things can get murky, and then somehow clear. This process is enlightening and frustrating all at once, in my personal experience at least.

I had to throw out my self-sabotage and survival modes and learn about self love and self care. I'm still working on that, even today. I had to find ways to trust again without destroying my intuition and past experiences, invalidating them. I had to learn to accept my flaws and embrace them, also a day to day process.

I had to learn to communicate and speak up, which can still feel uncomfortable at times. Last weekend with extra kiddos my husband and I had a momentary altercation. My exhaustion and maternal instinct kicked in hardcore and while he said he would take care of things, I undermined him and over-spoke because I was so maxed out, I couldn't properly communicate with him and listen or let him in.

I caught myself and apologized. I admitted what I did was crappy and unfair and we didn't have it drag on through the day as this cloud of being annoyed with each other. It passed immediately and was freeing. This was an affirmation of the betterment.

It's the smallest signs of the betterment that I need and love the most. It's the surprise cups of coffee, those favorite dinners ready when I get home. It's the garage being reorganized or a trip to the store done so I don't have to. When you are so used to carrying everything yourself and then your partner helps, it's a new kind of luxury and renewed kind of comfort.

Sometimes I don't want to admit that things were so bad so as to warrant this betterment but lately I have been more conscious of enjoying the journey and being extremely grateful for where we are on the path. Sometimes those sentiments are not simple or easy but more often than not, they are there, I just have to pay attention.

This is the first time in a long time I'm going on a trip and I have good things to report. I can say with confidence that things are generally "okay" and not have some subconscious voice call me out for faking it until I make it. I can be at ease, which honestly makes me feel slightly uneasy just typing that.

Life is difficult. It is stressful. It is so frustrating at times. But we do only actually live once so we gotta make the best of it. Marriage is hard, and anyone who says differently might actually be insane. Parenthood is difficult, rewarding, and maddening simultaneously. When you feel engulfed in the depressive and anxious ways that can take over when life gives you lemons, you're prone to just let them rot rather than making that lemonade stuff as the saying goes. Although I think making that lemonade and adding a little sugar, or extra sugar if necessary, that is the start of the betterment.

With all the cliches and metaphors I hope you find yourself nearing betterment. Or if you're in a rough spot, remember that the betterment can happen. That may be easy to forget! For now, I plan to enjoy my betterment, perhaps with a cold glass of lemonade!