Rained Out Beach Plans Mean Overdue Relax Time

I booked a lot of things for this weekend. Today was supposed to be church and beach but we got a crazy thunderstorm that killed off the beach plans. Time to improvise!

This weekend brought waves of feelings of being overwhelmed. Between end of year and teacher appreciation stuff, job hurdles for my husbands, and plans having to be rearranged, things got heavy fast and all I can do is keep trying to stay positive a la "Just keep swimming."

I can only control so much, however I can also only handle so much. What a wonderful line that is. So on a Sunday afternoon, I had a moment where I wanted to diatribe it up and complain. I wanted to write about the struggle in all my exhaustion and vent it all out. But, I decided, why feed into it more?

Sundays are supposed to be a peaceful reboot time and in the midst of the chaos, here I am, still chugging along. My daughter and I are chilling, watching Netflix and embracing a lazy day after the thunderstorms. I had high hopes for a beach day but we can't always get what we want.

I even managed to only dust and do laundry as opposed to scour the house. Weekends are hard, and I don't even mean that sarcastically. Weekends are rough. You try and squeeze so much into so little time and then you realize you have to rally to watch Game of Thrones. It's quite a life.

For now I'm counting my blessings amidst the unknown and embracing as much as I can within my sanity. This week may have some heavy subject matter as I will be divulging all the things. Hang tight readers and enjoy the rest of your weekend!

Game Of Thrones Is Girl Power-tastic

If you have never watched any episode of Game of Thrones, this may be completely strange, but if you've read any of the books or are a crazy fan like myself, you'll follow along well. I can't promise there would be no spoilers in terms of references to the first 7 seasons, but I'll try and keep it general.

So, I got into Game of Thrones when it was 5 Seasons in and became obsessed quickly. The complicated plot lines, the character development, the fantasy mixed with medieval kinds of reality was just all so very welcome, not to mention the violence and gore, because sometimes that is artistic and necessary.

It launched it's 8th and Final Season last night and as I'm thinking of all these epic moments throughout the last decade of the show's production, I'm not sure you could coin the series as "feminist" per se, but perhaps at least some pretty amazing exhibitions of the ultimate girl power.

I could easily break it down by each female character I've loved, but I'll focus on the 5 main characters I hold dear that prove regularly that women kick ass. We have Queen Daenerys Targaryen, Brienne of Tarth, Sansa Stark, Cersei Lannister, and my personal favorite, Arya Stark.

Let's start with Daenerys, who has her whole family lineage to live up to and was sold into some version of slavery by her power-thirsty brother. Through the course of the show she is raped, chained and bound let by a horse, and constantly told what she cannot be in terms of standing alone, and she basically finds a way to say "I don't need a man, I make my own future." She has one brief experience of marriage and then returns to being solo, where she cultivates her bad-assness carefully. She stumbles along the way and makes some impulsive decisions but we love her as this "promised queen," figure.

We watch her punish those that talk shit or get in her way. Anyone that doesn't stand with her is more or less against her and they will learn to respect her or perish, inevitably. What I love about her is that she consistently carries herself with grace. You rarely see her break her composure, even when things aren't going very well.

Brienne of Tarth is just a tall, fierce woman. She got picked on by the boys for her size in her youth and then learned to fight with them, wield a sword and generally take names as a woman "Knight" if you will. She loves being a protector, as it is where she thrives. She pays almost no attention to men. Any attraction we get a whiff of is often sweet and subtle, also with no expectation from her. Her world doesn't revolve around men but she realizes they have to coexist.  I feel like Brienne looks closely after other women, which is serious girl power in my eyes. Rather than be catty and jealous she just wants to kick the ass of anyone who tries to hurt the people she cares about. 

Sansa Stark is quite the epitome of an evolution in character development. She was this young, pathetic "stupid girl," who's hopes and dreams seemed to get the best of her leaving her to find her way. While she had a woman of power in her midst to guide her, she struggled with finding her footing more often than not. She had seen the good and evil in men, and she was cautiously optimistic. Sansa was beaten and raped, sold into more "acceptable" forms of slavery like arranged marriages with psychopaths and lusting older men trading her around in power plays, but she commanded presence and asked for help when necessary, fighting to persevere.

Sansa is the one we've seen cry often and she's not afraid to ugly cry it out. Sansa is our emotional but strong goddess figure. She has been through some seriously traumatic shit and is consistently underestimated by the men around her, always having to prove herself but being silently smart and calculated, unafraid to take control and usually ends up helping to vastly improve a bad situation. Sansa also has never been afraid to properly show her cautious fear, but also show her determination to get herself out of a challenging issue. When she speaks eloquently with sass, I fall in love with her a bit more. Plus she's a redhead, so I instinctively flock to her.

Cersei Lannister is one bad bitch. She is completely evil, narcissistic, rash, and even cruel, but she has also been through some shit. She lost her mother at a young age, was sold into an arranged marriage with a man that detested her. She only believes in family and is a true testament to the entire realm of the power of a mother's love. She has been humiliated and tortured, but might be the most vicious killer of all the women on this list in the fact that she leaves far more unnecessary casualties. She is ruthless.

What I love about Cersei is that we are meant to hate her. She's not like-able yet, you admire her strength, resilience and fortitude. She's always undermining anyone in her way and taking any steps necessary to make sure nothing can get past her. She is very cut-throat and vengeful but leaves you in awe of her capacity to be so horrible and manipulative. She definitely has the "Queen" thing down and rules entirely with fear. She has only shed tears in frustration or worry, I'm not sure we've seen much sadness but rather cold hard grief. She, too, carries herself well and inevitably to be a bad bitch. She might be like the Oscar-winner of Resting Bitch Face.

Last but not least is my personal idol and all around ultimate bad ass, Arya Stark. From the little girl rejecting "lady of the house" and "Princess" cultural norms to someone who got herself across an ocean to train to take revenge on the people that hurt her family, you never dislike Arya, but boy do you learn you would never want to mess with her!

Arya grows up before our very eyes on this series. She is the epitome of a Tom boy and happens to find many random protector figures to aid her survival and let her grow, form her strength, inevitably to require no protection. She goes through some serious torture, but evades the rape and marriage stuff as she's still quite young, but also exhibits not a shred of concern or interest in men at all, other then learning to defeat them, should the opportunity come.

She has had a list of people to take down to avenge her family and she set her goals and followed them. Against all odds she has withstood some intense wounds and lessons, seen a world her sister never has and got some real life education in people-watching and just how messed up things can be. Arya has played the fates with some God-like figures, to which the other women seem to disregard, so I'm interested in how that plays out. Regardless, Arya is a force to be reckoned with, to say the least.

In the wake of the Me Too campaign and Time's Up things, I think a show like this, as fantastical as it may be, speaks worlds to what women as a gender have to put up with and suffer to get their shot at a position of power. This may sound a little contrived but I think the graphic nature of this show, pushing boundaries and making us see and imagine such evils, is just a testament to how strong we are as a gender, and that we're on our way up on the ladder.

These characters make me proud. The suffering of Sansa and Daenerys especially, I feel is a subversive homage to what we are expected to overcome and deal with as women. It may be medieval in nature on the show, but I think that millions of women can relate to the psychological and physical trauma withstood by these women on their way to their life, status and, in a way, career goals.  

I think that as a whole, Game of Thrones champions the power of women. Among the main females is also Melisandre who conjures the Lord of Light and Missandei, who knows like 40 languages and recovered from being enslaved and was given the chance to support another woman in power. Then we have, Yara, the Queen of the Iron Islands that sails her own fleet with the big boys, the women of House Tyrell, Marjorie and Olenna, who manipulated their way into power with their strengths, and lastly the Sand Snake sisters in Dorne who were trained in combat and held themselves well, especially in an attack. There are so many others too! I feel like the series is covered in all different manners, ideas, stereotypes, and iconic rolls of women. 

I won't speculate as to how I think it ends but I just want to say that I appreciate how diverse the show is, and especially in terms of giving women the chance to prevail and share their complex stories, interwoven through the plot lines. So thanks for the kick of Girl Power, Game of Thrones. I can't wait to see how you empower women the rest of this season!

A Simple Sunday Supplication

I can admit I've been out of the church loop for quite some time due to personal reasons, but as mentioned before a lot of it has to do with Sunday being the only possibility of an alarm free day. No alarm days are rare and if you can catch one, they can make your world seem so much brighter. My life is ruled by alarms, timing, structure, planning and restrictions daily, if not hourly.

It is usually a monthly request for a "no alarm day." It's much like my annual Christmas and Mother's day requests for naps; it gives me something simple and important to look forward to. It's the little things in life.

My daughter spent over 9 hours at a Girl Scout Camp yesterday and came home completely haggard. She was immediately opting out of going to church and I honestly didn't know if I could muster the energy to make her hop to and go.

My daughter and I spent the morning alone and I got the idea to be that cool, proactive parent and use this kit she got as a present to make chocolate eggs for Easter. Famous last words, right? Or better yet, just a bad idea. This whole thing was crap, a sham if you will, and more frustration than anything else. I will never try to be that mom again. I felt like a walking Pinterest fail.

It was then I started launching play dates and getting her out of the house so she could crash out early. Sundays are usually filled with exhaustion and Netflix, and I never begrudge my daughter any chill time. She deserves it, and hell, so do I.

I've successfully not worn makeup this weekend, which I consider a win, and I got a lot done. However, in the wake of the last few weeks I'm definitely feeling worn down and now we have Easter looming.

It is always my request to have Sunday be as low key as possible and is one that is often a tough sell, but when it's just my daughter and I here, I commit us to it.

Today has been a test of my anxieties though. It has been a stress test and very much a testament to my mental fortitude in some ways. If you want me to put a blanket label on my current state of mind, I'm really frustrated, yet here I am being productive and blogging away.

I've become more guarded and very self-aware lately and I'm really unapologetic about it. I've gotten kind invitations to some nice things but there is a part of me that is like, "If I have to pretend to be fine, I'm going to have to decline, because I really don't want to be asked how I've been and come up with an answer that's not, 'I've been really struggling with some personal stuff and it's made me not want to put myself in situations like this, thanks for asking.'" It sounds silly but it's where I am right now.

Blogging daily has become a healthy outlet to share the struggles but diatribe is also in the title of this whole thing after all. Sometimes I know I pander on too complain-y but I stay focused on not being too much of that. Some days are easier than others.

Where I feel my failures I also feel proud that I even recognize them. Where I feel antisocial I feel proud that I'm even taking time for myself and preserving my mental well being. It's all quite a balancing act and it's a process, regardless.

So here I am one day closer to a new week, hours away from the Game of Throne premier back to being my wobbly self. I must say, it's not that bad because I'm awake to it, and aware of it. I like being able to know all this, because I was definitely lacking before.

To my readers, again thank you and I'm already cultivating some ideas for this week's posts. Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

The Clothing Purge, Podcasting And Predicaments Of Free Time

I have been podcasting daily, mostly catching up on my favorite, "ArmChair Expert" with Dax Shepherd. I've started some kind of strange spring cleaning thing, without having watched that "Tidying Up" thing on Netflix so I'm proud of me for not needing that, and tomorrow I will have an excess of "free time," that I am slightly anxious about how to handle. Let's get this Friday going!

I had stared at my closet often this week just kind of looking at things, mostly in disappointment. It wasn't that I didn't have enough or that I wanted a shopping binge, which is odd for me, as for many years shopping was indeed my cardio, but rather I just had so much I didn't even really wear. 

Oddly enough I remembered each occasion for which I bought stuff and so much of it, I just don't have the reason to wear it more than once. Church is way less church-y in terms of dressing these days, and I don't go out to dress up worthy functions so these dresses my mom decides I must have are very unnecessary. I used to wear dresses to work, but I'm way more comfy in my expanding obsession with leggings. 

I just kept looking and asking myself, "Why do you have all of this when you wear almost none of it? Some of it looks old and raggedy too! Just get rid of it!" So I started to fill multiple bags with things and it was freeing. 

Last year I passed on dresses to my nieces because, while I always donate to St. Vincent de Paul, I wanted to know who would extend their love to gorgeous, quality clothing, for another fashionable round. I do have one of those bags for them awaiting a box also. 

My next project is purses. I have so many beloved Betsey Johnson bags but I rarely switch out purses anymore. My current one is a good year and a half old now because I rarely treat myself to "unnecessary" things. It's time for them to move along as they are just collecting dust.

As far as podcasting I haven't found many that really resonate or keep my attention, so I've stayed with the familiar and am just playing catch up. I heard a snippet from an installment called "No Feeling is Final," which was a telling introspective of someone's depression and internal battles that was so amazing but I couldn't find the installment in it's entirety so it fell short. I tried some NPR ones and they are also lacking for me personally. The crime ones are okay but I much prefer a kick ass documentary.

The free time predicament is so new and strange to me. I guess we're entering that stage where I will be able to do more things now. I saw some meme about not having kids with the intention of never being around them, we're meant to watch them grow blah blah, but can we face it please? Both the children and parents need a break from each other every once in awhile and it's okay. 

My daughter is 6 and I think I have spent in total, maybe 8 nights away from her? And they are almost exclusively her being away from the house with like her dad on a Disney trip, or a sleep over with family when we travel. It's kind of crazy.

Tomorrow she will be at a day camp for like 9 hours. I never have a day to do whatever I want with space to clean or go for a long walk or work out or nap. No truly, I never have an ENTIRE DAY. I get a few hours when the husband takes her to a party solo or when I go out with girl friend but a whole day? And on top of this, the husband is working his last day of a 10 day stretch so, I honestly don't know what I "should" be doing. It's kind stressing me out!

I had written a post about do I be social or do I just do whatever I want and how I should spend my time but now it us upon me and I'm like huh...seriously, besides work out and clean...what do I do?

I think this week has been a mental wrestling match for me with a lot of time to gather my thoughts and kind of, position myself for certain things to unfold. I don't just mean that in reference to the last season of Game of Thrones, by the way, but in general. I've been working a lot on my self care, new routines and figuring out a lot of really personal things, so I think the podcasting, the purge and the unknown "to do list" of free time issues are a reflection of that. 

This week has been pretty...okay. It's been relatively calm and with good strides in most avenues, I will admit. Sometimes the calm makes me more unhinged than the chaos, as I've also divulged previously. I consider every baby step in the right direction, at least a STEP in a positive direction to say the least. On the eve of an unknown day I just plan on tackling today, and then this evening as well as I can, and then moving on from there.

I've felt grateful to all you readers these past few weeks and especially in taking the journey with me. We're going to keep this momentum going. Thank you all so much for your time and commentary. Happy Friday!

Last Year At This Time...What A Transition

I fight with Facebook a lot. Some days it is trigger city and other days I can appreciate it. I've taken it, and messenger completely off my phone all for the better. As I've said before, I much prefer Instagram, as I think Instagram is a more positive environment for someone like me, but this morning Facebook for "On This Day," brought up selfie from a year ago. Creepily enough I'm wearing the exact same shirt but now I have much longer hair. I'm also not nearly as tired looking. This is the comparison shot:

                             This day, 2018                    Today, 2019


I spent some time last week discussing comparisons of some then and now. What my marriage was then, versus now. Behavior then, versus now. We were spanning all different kinds of time frames and I said that comparing like that could be okay, even helpful in some arenas, but was also huge trigger territory.

That picture was taken just before the beginning of the worst being turned into something good, but something I could have never foreseen. In March of 2018, I tried to stand up for myself and take some of my life back. I knew I had lost my way and decided it was time to be a better mother, better person, and better household pillar, to say the least.

I was stopped dead in my tracks with every indication of "No," without being told the actual words "no." My efforts were detoured completely and I felt defeated and inferior. 

I had planned to do two hours of boot camp each morning to get back into shape when my husband decided to take a second job. As finances will always cause us friction, his reasoning was, "we always need more money, you're always saying we can't afford stuff." It was not an unfair point, but I was reluctant. I sucked up all my opposition and upset, all of my judgments about the decision and negative feelings and said "okay."

It was the worst month and a half we've had in a long time, and one that completely broke me down to the point of making unfair choices and decisions, and of taking a stand for my daughter, and for myself. 

In that month I watched my husband struggle and spiral out of control. Suddenly the new job meant he needed a car. Suddenly his friend had a car for him to procure at a fair price, which wasn't worth any form of "waiting" or negotiation. It was "take the car to my mechanic, get the okay" and drive away with new wheels into the sunset. We had successfully car-shared for 9 years and couldn't afford two vehicles, but this wasn't up for discussion in all this. For me, it was the cart before the horse and I was internally screaming and physically sobbing through the stress.

The car, to me, was the catalyst. Once the taste of freedom came, it was too good to be true and I watched as it snowballed. His second job was from 6AM to 12PM then he'd work from 1PM to midnight or later. This was all some seemingly weird power play to prove his worth at his current job, but to threaten that he could leave at any time.

Because he had to work at 5AM I was stripped of my Boot Camp routines, which crushed me. I'd been taken away from having any time to work out. My trainer knew how much I needed Boot Camp and let me come in from 4:45AM to 5:15AM before anyone else really arrived to complete the daily workout. It was brutal. And I missed normalcy. I did everything alone from getting my daughter fed and ready, making lunches, dropping her off and then some. It was difficult, lonely and had levels of unfriendly feelings coming at me regularly. 

I think I cried at least once a day. When he got the car I had to hide my meltdown. It wasn't that he wasn't "allowed" to have one. It was that we couldn't afford it, even with a second job. And not being able to have that rational conversation was upsetting to me. 

I remember taking that selfie and feeling so tired and broken and just thinking, "Okay so this is just my life now. This is what's in front of me." True to form I cried in private and hid everything away. My mom was helping us with transportation before the new-to-him car appeared and was also complaining and frustrated with everything, taking it out on me. 

I hit my final wall at 3AM on a dark night with my little girl right next to me telling me it would all be okay. I'd hit the point of "shit or get off the pot," for lack of a better phrase. I stood up, firm and wasn't about to hear "no" this time. I put my foot down and finally had my say. 

The second job faded as soon as he got a salaried position at his current job, the means to an end I guess. It was then that I took my life back. In May, I set up new childcare for the summer, which would involve hubby taking my daughter every morning, and he'd never taken her to school or childcare before.
I then commissioned my mom to do two evenings a week allowing me to hit the new gym I'd signed up for, in addition to my boot camp being back in full swing.

I look at that picture of me being a tired, mom and soldier and I feel so bad for 2018 Alison. Man, you went through some shit, and mostly alone. My soul looks beaten to hell in that selfie, but my head was still held high and the ferocity was waning. Damn did I prevail, though.

It was honestly more than just that month, it was so many years coming to fruition in the culmination of one, really horrible month. It was all very well dressed in "okayness." It was the epitome of my life as I knew it and I just had that Queen Daenerys Targaryen moment of "I'm going to break the wheel." If I could have used my dragons to set things on fire, I would have. It was time for the "new world."

What's even better is this "new world," and new cycle with a broken wheel rather than a stopped one, is still so new. It often feels new and fragile. But you look at that picture of last year versus this year and not just the hair has changed. Okay, yes I also got glasses, but there is a part of me that can't help see the transition within me. Like, look at the ferocity coming back and that air of resilience; everything I've been writing about!

I've been feeling mentally heavy and exhausted lately but it pales in comparison to last year. What an amazing reminder! Think of what I've overcome and look at the growth outside of the hair length! It's kind of impressive! I'm not saying this to brag or gloat, I'm just saying that we often don't realize it until we see a selfie like that. It's hard to see such change until these things happen to fall onto our "timeline," or "timehop" or whatever.

Since Friday I've struggled with staying grateful and just how wobbly I've felt with general life goings on. That selfie coming up, is just such a gift. It showed me that I am in fact progressing as a work in progress and that while I've felt so impotent in my ability to speed things up and keep pushing, I'm working at it better than I think I am.

A year really can do a lot for a person. You see those quotes and pin them and post them but no, LOOK, just look at that picture again. A year can do more than you can ever imagine. I'm not even about to say "things are just so much better now." We are far off from blanket statements like that, but I can say that the growth and transition is palpable, and I'm so glad I saw it in the flesh more accurately. 

For those of you feeling stuck or like you haven't accomplished what you thought you should, comb through some pictures and it may help you see the transition. It's not all cupcakes and rainbows. I'm not healed, cured or "everything is perfect now," but I'm much better off. Sure I'm still as sassy as ever but I really think the then and now says it all.