A Day Without My Daughter...Too Weird

It's late afternoon Saturday and my kiddo is at Girl Scout Day Camp. I dropped her off at 10 with two friends and just being here, in my house, alone for most of the day is so weird.

I keep thinking I've forgotten her somewhere. It's almost too quiet. As moms we claim often we need a break, which we do from time to time, but this is just beyond strange. I guess we're officially in that stage where she is just insanely independent. 

I have't left her to her own device much but I feel like a lot of it is by default. Our lives aren't arranged to have her... not with me so to speak. My life revolves around all things kiddo, and I only have the one. 

She had a tough transition, there were definite tears. It was one of those moments where I saw myself in her. I remember being so anxious on trips away from my parents that I had to pop constant Tums for stomach cramps and missed my bed to the point of sleeplessness. I got picked on a lot because I loved the idea of sleep overs and hated every part of a sleep over, and the fact you don't actually sleep. It was never as good as home.

I see so much of myself in my daughter, and today was the perfect example. I'm not going to elongate this post, because hey, I only have a few more hours before I get to see her, but I will say that, I was a little surprised she was so emotional and even more surprised at how weird it is not having her around. 

Weekends are my time with her, so I think the change in routine is tough, but there are other adventures to be had. She chose to attend camp rather than horseback riding and spend the day a town away at camp.

Although I've definitely made the most of my time, I cannot wait to hear about her day and be reunited. I'm even a little anxious about the whole thing, but I feel good that we did independent things today.

Ironically I had this great conversation about "needing" certain people or not needing them in your life and I blanket said, immediately, "I need my kid." She is my world, but as a mom of a fierce redhead, I'm glad her world is her own today and she's  out there, after the tears for the goodbye, kicking butt!

So Happy Saturday readers. I'm off to make the most of my last couple hours. Thank you all for a great week and tomorrow we will be back to the routine, full stop!

The Clothing Purge, Podcasting And Predicaments Of Free Time

I have been podcasting daily, mostly catching up on my favorite, "ArmChair Expert" with Dax Shepherd. I've started some kind of strange spring cleaning thing, without having watched that "Tidying Up" thing on Netflix so I'm proud of me for not needing that, and tomorrow I will have an excess of "free time," that I am slightly anxious about how to handle. Let's get this Friday going!

I had stared at my closet often this week just kind of looking at things, mostly in disappointment. It wasn't that I didn't have enough or that I wanted a shopping binge, which is odd for me, as for many years shopping was indeed my cardio, but rather I just had so much I didn't even really wear. 

Oddly enough I remembered each occasion for which I bought stuff and so much of it, I just don't have the reason to wear it more than once. Church is way less church-y in terms of dressing these days, and I don't go out to dress up worthy functions so these dresses my mom decides I must have are very unnecessary. I used to wear dresses to work, but I'm way more comfy in my expanding obsession with leggings. 

I just kept looking and asking myself, "Why do you have all of this when you wear almost none of it? Some of it looks old and raggedy too! Just get rid of it!" So I started to fill multiple bags with things and it was freeing. 

Last year I passed on dresses to my nieces because, while I always donate to St. Vincent de Paul, I wanted to know who would extend their love to gorgeous, quality clothing, for another fashionable round. I do have one of those bags for them awaiting a box also. 

My next project is purses. I have so many beloved Betsey Johnson bags but I rarely switch out purses anymore. My current one is a good year and a half old now because I rarely treat myself to "unnecessary" things. It's time for them to move along as they are just collecting dust.

As far as podcasting I haven't found many that really resonate or keep my attention, so I've stayed with the familiar and am just playing catch up. I heard a snippet from an installment called "No Feeling is Final," which was a telling introspective of someone's depression and internal battles that was so amazing but I couldn't find the installment in it's entirety so it fell short. I tried some NPR ones and they are also lacking for me personally. The crime ones are okay but I much prefer a kick ass documentary.

The free time predicament is so new and strange to me. I guess we're entering that stage where I will be able to do more things now. I saw some meme about not having kids with the intention of never being around them, we're meant to watch them grow blah blah, but can we face it please? Both the children and parents need a break from each other every once in awhile and it's okay. 

My daughter is 6 and I think I have spent in total, maybe 8 nights away from her? And they are almost exclusively her being away from the house with like her dad on a Disney trip, or a sleep over with family when we travel. It's kind of crazy.

Tomorrow she will be at a day camp for like 9 hours. I never have a day to do whatever I want with space to clean or go for a long walk or work out or nap. No truly, I never have an ENTIRE DAY. I get a few hours when the husband takes her to a party solo or when I go out with girl friend but a whole day? And on top of this, the husband is working his last day of a 10 day stretch so, I honestly don't know what I "should" be doing. It's kind stressing me out!

I had written a post about do I be social or do I just do whatever I want and how I should spend my time but now it us upon me and I'm like huh...seriously, besides work out and clean...what do I do?

I think this week has been a mental wrestling match for me with a lot of time to gather my thoughts and kind of, position myself for certain things to unfold. I don't just mean that in reference to the last season of Game of Thrones, by the way, but in general. I've been working a lot on my self care, new routines and figuring out a lot of really personal things, so I think the podcasting, the purge and the unknown "to do list" of free time issues are a reflection of that. 

This week has been pretty...okay. It's been relatively calm and with good strides in most avenues, I will admit. Sometimes the calm makes me more unhinged than the chaos, as I've also divulged previously. I consider every baby step in the right direction, at least a STEP in a positive direction to say the least. On the eve of an unknown day I just plan on tackling today, and then this evening as well as I can, and then moving on from there.

I've felt grateful to all you readers these past few weeks and especially in taking the journey with me. We're going to keep this momentum going. Thank you all so much for your time and commentary. Happy Friday!