Coloring Myself Calm And Collected

Long before adult coloring books, gel pens and artistic coloring, I was just the 14 year old with a Barbie coloring book and a box of Crayola crayons on an airplane. Someone once asked me if I wasn't a little too old to be doing such, but coloring, and especially when traveling on planes, kept me calm. To this day, coloring still keeps me calm. It doesn't matter what is happening around me. Coloring requires all my focus and attention and I can just breathe, concentrate and create.

Looking back, through times of strife and uncertainty, I used to paint canvases, make collages, make care packages or re-decorate things. I'm not so great at step by step "make it like this" crafts but anything purely imaginative or with room for alteration and mistakes artistically is very much for me. With coloring, sure you're supposed to stay in the lines, but there is still plenty of room for creativity.

When adult coloring books first became "a thing" they were expensive and so were the colored pencils or markers or gel pens to go with them. Now that they are more mainstream, we have more options. One of my oldest and best friends gave me many coloring books and my most current and favorite coloring book entitled, "Go F*ck Yourself, I'm Coloring." It is coloring swear words and phrases. It is awesome.

For what I've been going through lately, this is beyond perfection. I spent both nights this past weekend coloring in my bedroom with my pile of gel pens and a movie on in the background. Ideally, I would like to color whilst listening to amazing tunes, but I had to work with what I had available.

Coloring somehow shuts off my brain and I just get lost in the whimsy. You can pick anything you want, any picture, any color. When my office moved locations last year, I packed all my coloring supplies away and like most things in life, they got shuffled around and inadvertently left in a bin in the garage. I finally remembered this and dug them out Saturday. 

For a long time I used to color in my downtime at work but I had this nosy, over-the-shoulder lurker of a co-worker that made the swearing one impossible to indulge in and anything else so interesting to her that she had to know what I was up to. I really just wanted to color and answer the phones lady! Back off!

Now, I feel as though this will be a good at home evening activity. I've professed repeatedly just how difficult self care is for me. Coloring is one way for me to do that. It's practically therapy for me. I think I've taken pictures of most of my creations if you sift through Google photos and the bulk of them end up on my Instagram.

This past weekend I did a before, some progress, and then an after shot and it felt awesome. I actually got some cool responses from friends. The thing about coloring is, it's an insanely simplistic activity that I think just gets lost in growing up, but is totally creative and healthy. I've never felt badly after coloring, like "gee I should have started more laundry." I always feel a sense of accomplishment.

Not all people are artistic, so I get that, but the coloring therapy was a "lost art" for me, pun intended and I realized what a nice therapeutic value it had. I couldn't wait to just sit and color. I was so happy curled up and using all my gel pens. Instead of obsessing about running out, I was just so happy to create. 

My daughter loves to draw and create also. I have always encouraged her creativity for this because I think it really enhances your imagination and art is just kind of amazing. My grandma used to do watercolor painting. She used to set me up a little station near hers and we would paint together. This memory I hold closely for her.

My sisters are super creative also and we all seemed to love to detail and get inventive with things. I think that outlet is expressive and extremely healthy. Coloring gives me clarity and a good focus point for me when I'm anxious or feeling blah.

This weekend I wouldn't say that we did anything special and after my mental relapse the weekend prior I tried to be easy on myself so putting in the coloring as a priority made a pretty wonderful difference. I rested well, I felt more calm in general. My daughter thought it was cool that I was doodling, so to speak. It just made me happy.

The irony of the swearing coloring book is just that, making something pretty out of really inappropriate commentary and phrases, was just plain fun. I'm that person who thinks that getting upset about swearing, unless you are around small ears, is kind of a waste of time. Swearing is just a bunch of ridiculous words we give value to because they are so taboo. It's your first "rebellion" like when you're 7 and you say something smells like shit and you get in trouble. Swearing is a false sense of force and power, but sometimes I feels really good as some kind of anger management exercise. Who doesn't love to scream the "f word" when someone cuts them off?

So making the work "dickwad" all cool and colorful is hilarious and freeing! I definitely don't mean to offend but sorry, not sorry!

This weekend I took my mental health and my self care back. I colored myself calm and collected and felt more me again. As life stresses you out and makes you very frantic, something a simple as an hour coloring in a black and white image can be fantastic, in my personal experience. I've known men and women who color and love it. I also understand if it's not your thing. 

For me it was a good lesson and a good practice in paying attention to myself. It allowed me to relax a little and feel way better. Okay, the getting out of the house with adults helped too, I can't lie, but when I was feeling grateful for supportive interactions, the coloring kept that vibe going strong.

So my musing this Monday is that, getting colorful helped me get out of the grey muck and back into myself. Find what does that for you this week if you can and definitely report back! 

Aches, Pains and Muscle Strains

I saw this amazing quote that said "Sometimes the weight you need to lose isn't on your body." I tense up often when I'm anxious and stressed. I grind my teeth. I feel bloated and heavy, no matter what the scale says. I usually avoid the scale though.

I think I had felt this the most yesterday. I wasn't weighed down by impending social time I was just more, okay we can do this because it works for today, but it doesn't have to always work. I've had to slow myself down and work diligently on accepting things as they come. I'm an over-planner, over-thinker and feel I am at my best when I'm insanely busy, but I've forced myself to slow down and I like it a little better.

If I'm being brutally honest with myself, I'm a work in progress and there is too much room to improve with things. I could be more productive and schedule better and more. I could coupon, find ways to save online, shop more here and less there, and so on and so forth. I could thrift more!

But guess what? I'm tired. I really just am tired a lot and I'm done berating myself about it. This is life. You gotta roll with the punches sometimes.

I've had this shoulder issue for the past 6 years. It's not an always thing, sometimes I swear it's like quarterly at best. It flares up, I need to ice and heat, turning my neck is uncomfortable. Sometimes I need to nurse it more gently than other times. 

This weekend was spent icing it. Friday was when I seriously irritated it. I cleaned as much as I could to get it over with so I could rest more, and then finally admitted I was in some pain. More often I go for the heating pad, but it seemed to make it worse. Icing it, if nothing else, numbed that sucker. 

With age comes aches, strains and muscle pains I've found. I noticed this first, shortly after childbirth. Weird things were hurting. Now I have knee aches, I have shoulder aches, neck aches. I can strain something by looking at it wrong. I've heard this only gets worse and I know my husband is worse because he's on his feet all day, but this part of adulthood is not my favorite.

My dad admitted to me that his knees have given him issues and he believes to have bestowed that upon me. Thanks dad! Everything else, I relate to stress because stress is easy to blame.

Saturday I started taking some new supplements in an effort to help my wonderfully failing thyroid. I feel a little better today, more energy I think, but we will see any long term effects. It was yesterday though, that someone said that I looked great and I realized that maybe my pants size and thighs weren't telling me that exactly, but I was probably carrying less.

One of  my greatest struggles is self care. I put myself lastly last always. I've had to stop doing that. While sometimes compromise is necessary, it is not always so. 

Sure my daughter comes first, but sometimes I can adequately explain to her that mommy just needs a little time to do this, that or the next thing. Taking the time, to take some of the weight off, makes all the difference. There are still days that are an epic fail but more often I can nurse the physical and metaphorical aches, pains and muscle strains that come with adulting.

Life can be a pain in every sense. Sometimes basic interactions can give you aches of all kinds. You can strain yourself just as easily mentally as you can physically. A little self care can go a long way. I find that life is often heavier than we are expecting. In our minds we think "oh I can handle that," and then we go to lift and hear something pop in some way or another.

I couldn't think of something to write about today. Okay, correction, I had three different ideas for what and how to write about but I got distracted and couldn't make a point. This had a point! You have to take care of all parts of yourself, and listen to really lose that extra weight of life. As far as diets, different stuff works for different people and I have no business telling people how to work out and what to eat. As far as the aches, pains and muscle strains of stress, anxiety and life, my advice is to give yourself a break. I think your body will thank you in more ways than one!

What A Day Of Rest Can Do

Yesterday my poor daughter was sick. No crazy flu, no high fever, just a run of the mill cold. I was honestly surprised no one called me Monday because she was definitely on the decline and Monday night she slept horrible. Wait, let me correct, WE slept horribly.

After 9 days in a row of kicking restaurant rear, yesterday my husband was off. So, they had a lazy morning. However, we had a new washer to procure mid-day so I had to do the afternoon shift of sickie care. I am blessed enough to have amazing bosses who never shame me for my mother status and totally understand sick days, so leaving halfway through my day was not an issue, even a little bit.

My daughter demanded she have sausage so I stopped at the store and then went home to release my husband to get our new fancy washing machine. While he was gone my daughter took like a 3 hour nap. She doesn't nap anymore, especially voluntarily. That's how I knew she was off.

She didn't perk up until almost 7PM and then started showing signs of life and normalcy but I'm telling you, it's kind of impressive what a day of rest can do.

Rest is such a foreign concept to me, which is probably why once every 3 to 5 years I get taken down with some foreign super flu, feeling like I took my healthy life for granted and writing drug-induced living wills on paper towels as my body works against me. Kid are often under-estimated in terms of how much rest they really need.

I don't think it's any surprise that well rested children would listen, learn and play better than those lacking in those areas but I've never felt any shame about bed time, or letting my kid watch TV in her down time. Every parent has the panic of the negative affects of screen time. I get it. However, we live in a world increasingly dependent on those technologies, as a parent it's just our job to control how much and what kind. And every single person will be different.

I've advertised often that we watch subtitles with everything now. Guess what? It has helped our daughter learn to read! Just the other day she noticed the difference in the spelling of flour and flower in a show she was watching. Some kids don't relate as well.

For me, TV time is a restful thing. I love tuning into a good series or old series, even in the background as comic relief. My daughter is much the same. Also, kids are so insanely busy now. We have two back to back birthday parties this weekend and this is after horseback riding lessons!

I don't remember being busy, except maybe for a sports season. I also don't remember not making it to bed at reasonable times. I don't remember play dates being scheduled either. I do remember having to figure out my own entertainment, and it wasn't just the television or video games.

Now that weekends are just as packed as weekdays when do we rest? You're supposed to on the 7th day, but then again, we have to get up and go to church more often than not. Usually by Sunday at 5PM I prefer to be in my pajamas and done peopling and I want us chilling in comfy spaces and eating popcorn. I feel like this is tantamount to readying us for the week.

Yesterday my daughter asked me to play with her, and I said, "I can get some toys out but you really need your rest to go back to school tomorrow." I knew she was sick because she didn't argue and was content binge-watching the likes of Barbie, Pixar movies, and Doc McStuffins. Even after her long nap she slept like a champ and woke up sassy and ready to go.

In the time that I had off with her yesterday I finally cleared our dining room table which is forever a "throw stuff" and creative art space. I filed a bunch of things that had piled up on the file bin to be dealt with. I ran the dishwasher and started the Robovac, I cleaned up a few other areas as well. Not restful, sure, but productive. I was also able to sneak into the gym for the workout I had missed that morning.

It was a good reboot from her being sick, for the whole house. My husband was able to sleep in and decompress from work stuff. The dog was happy to have his humans around instead of being alone in the house. It's kind of cool what a day of rest can do.

We forget to rest too much. We put our bodies and our minds through the ringer too often, but after you get that elusive rest it's kind of nice to look back and think, "wow that was completely worth it."

I don't know why I don't allow myself that more, as I always make room for it, if not force, my child to. Hubby knows his limits better, I guess, and will rest when he's at his max for sure. I kind of assume the dog does all the resting for me, but perhaps it's time to take his cue and better explore more of exactly what a day of rest can do. Maybe Sunday!

A Day Without My Daughter...Too Weird

It's late afternoon Saturday and my kiddo is at Girl Scout Day Camp. I dropped her off at 10 with two friends and just being here, in my house, alone for most of the day is so weird.

I keep thinking I've forgotten her somewhere. It's almost too quiet. As moms we claim often we need a break, which we do from time to time, but this is just beyond strange. I guess we're officially in that stage where she is just insanely independent. 

I have't left her to her own device much but I feel like a lot of it is by default. Our lives aren't arranged to have her... not with me so to speak. My life revolves around all things kiddo, and I only have the one. 

She had a tough transition, there were definite tears. It was one of those moments where I saw myself in her. I remember being so anxious on trips away from my parents that I had to pop constant Tums for stomach cramps and missed my bed to the point of sleeplessness. I got picked on a lot because I loved the idea of sleep overs and hated every part of a sleep over, and the fact you don't actually sleep. It was never as good as home.

I see so much of myself in my daughter, and today was the perfect example. I'm not going to elongate this post, because hey, I only have a few more hours before I get to see her, but I will say that, I was a little surprised she was so emotional and even more surprised at how weird it is not having her around. 

Weekends are my time with her, so I think the change in routine is tough, but there are other adventures to be had. She chose to attend camp rather than horseback riding and spend the day a town away at camp.

Although I've definitely made the most of my time, I cannot wait to hear about her day and be reunited. I'm even a little anxious about the whole thing, but I feel good that we did independent things today.

Ironically I had this great conversation about "needing" certain people or not needing them in your life and I blanket said, immediately, "I need my kid." She is my world, but as a mom of a fierce redhead, I'm glad her world is her own today and she's  out there, after the tears for the goodbye, kicking butt!

So Happy Saturday readers. I'm off to make the most of my last couple hours. Thank you all for a great week and tomorrow we will be back to the routine, full stop!

To Socialize Or To Self Care? That Is The Question!

I'm about to embark on 10 days of 90% parenting alone and being lucky if I grab 20 minutes of conversation with my hubby daily, and then seeing him for all of 2 hours one morning this weekend. #Restaurantlife

At the end of this 10 days I realized my daughter will be at an all day camp for Girl Scouts and I am left open and having a day to myself. I mean this when I say, it never happens unless I'm somehow home, and she is at school. Truly, it is extremely rare. 

Now I am faced with this question: do I take a quiet, uninterrupted day in my own home to be productive and watch TV? OR, do I schedule time with people I've been meaning to catch up with but just haven't found the time? Do I socialize? Or do I self care? Such decisions!

This is what truly stinks about being an introverted extrovert, it's such a weird mix:

Should I recharge or should I go catch up with my tribe? Part of me says, let's see how next week goes. The other part wants to reach out to the people who have been trying to catch up with me and schedule some fun. Oh what a tangled web we weave.

I love my down time. These next 10 days will be ones that end with quiet, reading, and tea, and are calm and mentally healing I hope. With that comes the mixed in stress of knowing that by the end of all of this, I will have one exhausted husband and a very anxious six year old to care for in their reboot needs. This too shall pass. 

Sometimes after a week of feeling alone, I do thrive on being out in the world and mingling but there is a part of me that wants to curl up and do nothing. I don't ever just "do nothing," anymore. "Do nothing" was a phrase I loved and a goal I had always made for myself before motherhood and adulting came at me full swing. Now I just try and do what I can when I can, which is all I can do in fact.

That duality of the "ambivert" within me is so weird. I found this meme and it sums it up well I think:

I can rock some serious quiet, now more than ever. You don't know the true value or importance of quiet until you have a child, in my humble opinion. I can also be the most social person you've ever seen, which can be a blessing and a curse.

I hate this internal mental wrestling match within myself because it shouldn't feel like a chore to enjoy "free time." I'm just that person who feels like there is always something that should be done and keeps on going until I hit my wall and deflate like one of the balloons after the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

For today in my allergy haze, just starting on day one of the mania, I've decided to sleep on it. I do my best decision making on a good night's rest, or so I'd like to believe. Maybe I will hide from the world or maybe I will re-emerge fierce and ferocious and ready to play. Of course I will report back!

Finding All The Time; The Question Of When

That phrase, "There are not enough hours in the day," must have been written for parents, and mothers specifically. As an avid supporter of therapy, I will admit that in a therapy session when our therapist was talking to us about making time to communicate, it took every fiber in my being not to shout..."When?"

We are supposed to have the time to "do it all." I'd like to reveal to you all, it's complete and utter bullshit. It may also be impossible. 

Timing and finding the time, is really difficult. Date nights, solo errands, nights out with friends, calm conversations, dinner not being a rush, all of these things require planning and timing and I'm not going to lie, it's all really exhausting. This is coming from someone who only has one child, mind you. 

I used to sit and admire the moms that could "do it all." But then I actually started listening to them and befriending them and I realized it's not that they "do it all" but rather they have different methodologies and routines they have found that work for them. So I've just tried to do the same for me.

Most of us are running on very little sleep, although I maintain that sleep is my single favorite hobby and if I have the opportunity to get as much as possible, you better believe I will! 

My biggest struggles are time for myself, and time with my husband. Time with my husband is completely maddening because we operate on extremely different wavelengths. I have a cup of coffee and am firing on all cylinders from 8AM to about 3PM. He isn't truly awake until at least 1PM, even if he wakes up at 7AM, and at 9PM is ready to hang out...just as I'm past my bed time! It stinks, to say the least. Opposite schedules are a hindrance. 

So when do we find time to do what we need? A lunch break? If hubby and I catch a lunch date it has a specific end time, talk about killing a moment. All other walks of life are interrupted by my child, because she is sassy and six. So, therefore, I repeat, when?

We get many, many, MANY, suggestions, which are often kind and thoughtful for that answer. Almost all of them are just not conducive to our life. I work hard on my time management but that doesn't just make everything happen. Between kid schedules, work schedules, and my precious sleep, it seems to always be a struggle.

I am a scheduled, organized person. I've tried to schedule time together and it rarely works. Date nights, depending on the babysitter, usually end up having consequences, and again, we operate on opposite levels in most walks of life. He's tired and hungry later, I'm tired and hangry all the time. 

I used to make the large mistake of taking to Facebook to complain about this. I had moms who agreed and then other people with their snarky comments that made me so mad. Only a few understood enough to think to offer help. Those are my favorite people. This is also not some inadvertent hint to text me after reading by the way. No, seriously.

The "WHEN" has always been such a looming and sad question for me because it never has an easy answer of "4PM Tuesday," and 90% of the time "When" turns into the dreaded, "As soon as," ellipsis. No fun.

My life is filled with "As soon as." Sometimes it feels like a reflex. I've had to be more assertive in following through with these things that come up for "as soon as," also, which is tough at times. We always think we have plenty of time. We always think we will have time and these assumptions make things even more sticky, because life is a lot shorter than we'd like to admit.

With age I have become so much more careful with my time. It is much like money where it must be spent wisely and this is a great first step. As with any circumstance, we do what we can. We sneak it in here or there but I've certainly stopped pouring my time into proverbial glasses that aren't half empty or half full, but cracked and draining! All the metaphors!

The "whens" and "as soon as's" are just so daunting, but nonetheless a part of life. Much like our children asking the never ending "why" and our need to say "no" we all find a way to make life work with balancing time, energy and all the things.

There is no sure fire way to find all the time, and there's no good answer for the question of when, especially not that of "as soon as...". But we are here and we persist. Life is wonderful and exhausting and, for me, it comes with these points of "Oh my gosh when would I find that time?", that I can rearrange and better align my life so I CAN find the time. 

No one "Does it all!" Okay, MAYBE Oprah! But we need to do what we can, day by day, and make an effort to find the time and answer the question of when, more simply. If we can tell a child when she can have a toy back, we can tell our husbands when date night is. We can find all the time we need, when we need the time with our people. Make it work, readers!

There's Only So Much You Can Do, And That's Okay

I've always been a social person and now am owning that I'm an introverted extrovert. For as long as I can remember, people have been comfortable talking to me and discussing all the things. It's not that I don't care, I really care about the people in my tribe, but sometimes when we tell each other stuff, I wonder what I'm expected to do with it all.

This isn't a complaint about when you say, "How are you?," and then a friend just completely unloads on you because you're a trusted third party. This is about when someone tells you something that just leaves you feeling like, "What am I actually supposed to do with that information? Is this a cry for help? Should I jump in and give advice?" What do you do?

My closest friends who are well versed in my mental battles usually do a check in, like asking if I can mentally handle some heavy conversations or deep advice sessions or just hear all the complaints, but I think some acquaintances of mine just decided to tell me all the things and it's like leaving someone with a bag of money and walking away...what do I do? Do I share it? Do I keep it to myself?

I work hard on protecting mine and anyone's privacy and not being too gossipy but we all love to talk and share. It's human. I also like to be a good listener and be someone that people feel comfortable around but there are weird lines anymore, and they are often anything but black and white.

This goes along with boundaries and finding where I can be okay around certain things, and were I have to be more self preserving. I've been very aware and very cautious about things on social media platforms because they often welcome responses I'm not equipped for and if I'm giving full disclosure here, the darkness I'm just coming out of is still fresh, real and not completely revealed. I'm healing more and more but it's a struggle nonetheless.

There are certain people you do open up to and talk about anything from gross and weird to what is normal and everything in between so this definitely has nothing to do with that type of thing, but rather it's more of a revelation lately about my personal energy and how it is affected.

Last year I'd taken a step back in being actively pursuant of certain relationships where I felt very much like I was misunderstood and left the interactions feeling inferior. I think some people wanted me to be more grown than I was in that moment or more able to deal with what they were putting down in front of me and I just couldn't, so it left me feeling crappy.

From these interactions came two important things: I realized I need to stand up for my feelings more, and it's also super okay to only be able to do what I can. What I mean is, when a friend of mine is inadvertently compromising my mental capacity, it's MY job to tell them, so they can understand. I can't expect someone to just figure it out. And also, considering what we all have going on that we aren't sharing with people, sometimes there is only so much you can do. Life, and relationships, no matter how simple or complicated, are a tricky business.

I've been overly sensitive to this lately. If I feel pushed in a negative way or just plain not considered by someone, I completely step back. If I feel judged or misunderstood, I withdraw. I feel like when you're in a life state in flux, coming out of trauma and darkness, it's all extremely delicate. The people who saw you in the trauma and now coming out have a better view of the evolution, but those who know nothing of your battles easily judge your now and your then, instead of the journey.

One day I want to be able to write and reveal about my journey and be capable to handle all forms of reaction, but I'm definitely not there yet. For now I just strive to be real about how I handle what is put in front of me, no matter how confusing.

I have a friend that I met in a family crisis. She tried to help and was kind but I would never say we really know each other. We've shared some social events and time with our children but aren't close. She came to me during a rough time and asked for help, and in an attempt to be a good Christian person, I totally let down my walls and gave her a hand.

It wasn't a negative experience but it was a stressful and awkward one. She wasn't telling me the whole story, and she didn't have to, but it made things difficult. As she has shared snippets of the entire story, it just left me more confused wondering what do I make of all this? I had to let it go and be okay with the fact that I tried to give her what she needed and I can only do that and leave it there.

I'm not a person that gives up on people or just ghosts them. I've never just decided "I'm so done with you; you're gone." However, I have become more cautious and stopped perpetuating relationships I'm unsure of and just let them fall as they should. This isn't to say, "If I don't text you and we don't hang out, I don't care," but rather I'm learning which relationships I'm carrying and putting more effort into, than the opposing party.

Friendships are just as difficult as romantic relationships and after I had my daughter I became very timid and afraid to talk to certain people for fear of being judged because of our life circumstances and parenting choices. As things became worse in my home life, I began to struggle with the fact that everyone knew me as one way, pre-baby, and because I was struggling so much, I wasn't much of that person anymore.

Losing yourself in the hardships of life is so difficult and heart-breaking. Making a comeback is even more-so. You want to just tell everyone exactly how it was, but there's so much fear, shame and guilt so you can easily withdraw. I've realized now when people end up just opening a proverbial can of worms upon me, that it's better I tell them, "I'm unsure of the best response or how to help," than to just hide and avoid the awkwardness. I try to respond respectfully but am often left in the mental limbo of wondering what exactly to do.

Sometimes these situations and questions can mess me up for awhile, but more and more I just keep reminding myself, there's only so much I can do, and that's completely okay. When I see friends post about struggles I just try and open the door to let them know that I can hear them if they need an ear. And whatever they say I do my best to be open, but most often the best I can offer is just acknowledging the struggle and wishing they weren't in that situation or maybe say a few prayers for them.

It's been a rough realization but it is completely okay to be able to only do so much. We are overextended in every way these days, and we can't fix each other and take care of ourselves. We have to find the balance between self preservation and being a supportive friend as those lines are completely hazy.

For today I can just own that I do my very best to be a good friend in any situation, no matter how awkward. For tomorrow it will be more of the same.

Sometimes You Just Need A Nap

I saw this meme that I'm promptly posted that said "I feel like I'm tired already tomorrow." This is me. Always.

Now I thought this was just a part of me as a person. Sleep is my favorite hobby. Alison needs her sleep. I also figured I lost enough sleep during infancy and working nights that now I was just trying to hoard it. Now we know I have thyroid type issues. Or so they surmise thus far. I blame that.

Being resilient doesn't come without waves of exhaustion. My post yesterday was in an exhausted stupor, which some of my faithful readers probably picked up on. And this morning was more "go go go."

Look, I haven't practiced "The Art Of Doing Nothing," since I became a mother. That luxury is not one afforded. And my abilities or even inabilities to relax come in waves. Sometimes my body literally is like, "Bitch you're going to slow down, watch."

This week was a shoulder injury, lots of fun, so heating pad time is a daily routine. I'm still nursing it. And then staying up too late every single night finally caught up to me. Last night I thought I was super clever. I took an Excedrin PM and was asleep by 9:30PM! But then from 11:30PM to about 4AM I was awakened every hour or so by child, dog or husband until I finally ended up on the couch until my 6:30AM alarm to rally the troops for church.

I had an Excedrin hangover haze. Not fun. And then I was so cold in church I was physically uncomfortable, also thyroid related. I was super miserable. When we came home I walked the dog, and decided to "warm up and lay down" for a bit. Apparently I passed out for a little over an hour and woke to my husband assuring me that the kid was content and he was off to work. I guess I needed it.

I'm that person who sees naps as something I need to book in advance, like a massage. Rarely do I get to just "Have one," so sneaking one today was inadvertently amazing.

Of course I woke up in cleaning mode in order to "earn my relaxation" later. I have since done the tubs and wiped down all surfaces while my faithful RoboVac picks up all the floor yuck. My daughter has been crafting and creating and I slowed down to blog it out.

Sometimes you DO just need a nap. More often than not, we DESERVE a darn nap. We work hard, we play hard. We spend too much time doing what we "should" instead of doing what is "good" for us and that's something I am the worst at. Why watch 3 hours of television when you could paint that shelf you've been meaning to? Oh well because sometimes we need a bit of lazy!

I think we are so hard on ourselves and it's hard not to be hard on ourselves as redundant as it seems. It's work, workout, family dinner, bed time routine, repeat in some way, shape or form. I know plenty of people who operate on like 4 hours of sleep and somehow keep kicking ass at life. I, for one, cannot even be kind of nice without my 8. I can function but I'm a mean, mean redhead.

I'm learning that self care is anything BUT selfish, or should be. I'm learning that sometimes YOU JUST NEED A NAP. And there's no shame in that! You're human! We're all humans! I'm learning that boundaries, either with friends, spouses, co-workers, and within yourself are necessary some times and that this is all part of adulting, whether we like it or not.

So I'm going to enjoy the rest of my Sunday even if it's covered in cleaning and laundry. I will binge-watch and relax because tomorrow is back to the grind! Take a nap if you haven't yet! I fully support it!

Saturday Slow Down

It's Saturday night. My husband switched shifts and is at work. My daughter is binge-watching My Little Pony on "the big TV," and I'm in my room with The Office on in the background, the heating pad on my back avoiding laundry, counting down to bed time for us both and toying with the idea of a long shower.

This is my Saturday slow down. I don't know about other households, but for me, the weekends go way too fast and always have so much going on. Last night we switched things up and my husband took the kiddo to Daddy Daughter Date Night and I drove two hours to get "free" tickets to an upcoming concert as a birthday present to myself. We all went to bed at like 10PM. We are all exhausted and we have early church things tomorrow.

Saturday Slow down consists of popcorn, tea, and blogging apparently. I'm mentally trying to prioritize the rest of my evening while appreciating the little wins for today. 

The little wins were getting to horseback riding lessons early and being patient that they were running late. I got to catch up with two of my favorite people and hear how they were doing and talk about normal, wonderful mom things. And I'm more centered and focused on the now lately.

My struggles right now are definitely tribe-based. It's hard for me to sift through how to process certain exchanges and friendships. I have so many people in my corner, that's undeniable, but I definitely practice the "know your audience" rule about you can talk about certain things with certain people and how those certain people influence me in general.

This is something that I'm really in tune with right now. It ties into my perspective and mindfulness. But lately I've been so tired, it's tough to muster much energy to delve into it all, but I think I might find some new ways to better explore all of this. And I'm open to suggestions.

So for this Saturday night, while it is short and sweet, here's a little win from my room to you all that I actually completely the blog in the midst of exhaustion, confusion and chore avoidance. I hope you all have Saturdays that rock, Saturdays that are super fun and productive. I'm hoping Sunday will be that "day of rest" I've heard about. So here I go!

Hipster Coffee Spot Lunch Blogging

I changed it up this week. I've actually made many changes recently. Many. At work my days have been filled with steady work. Most often it is routinely more quiet. So I've got less time to blog from the company desktop and by the time I get home I'm usually just scrambling to get it together for things in general, let alone to take time to write. But I challenged myself to every day this year, here I am, almost 2 months strong!

Although I miss my lunch walks, the coffee and sometimes muffin lunch is a wonderful pick me up. It's cliche and oh so very Oregonian of me to find all inspiration in a "coffee house" scene but here I am, typing among the customers.

Here's what I know. This week has resulted in some serious maturity strides for me. I'm more and more accepting of all of my mistakes, flaws, anxieties and difficulties and am feeling lighter. Maybe not when it comes to the fitness area, but there will always be time to lose weight. 

This week I was more honest with myself and it allowed me to be honest with the people I care most about. Some of this came in the form of deep, rough conversations. Some came from not bothering people even though I wanted to and some came from stopping anxiety in its tracks, or not feeding into conversations and activities that just made me feel not great.

I prayed more this week; mostly for the happiness and success of others. I put out all the positive vibes and sifted through any negativity to better have a grip on reality. Life is tough. It's annoying. There are hurdles and frustrations. Plans change. People can be abrasive, rude, unthinking and selfish. So what? I've been not so great too.

I'm embracing all the cliches. I do live "one day at a time." Bad moment? "This too shall pass."

A few weeks ago I was just wobbly, which I decided was  mostly stable but ready to fall. And then I cultivated some wonderful, wonderful moments and just took on the "power of now."

I've checked in with the people I lost track of. I've "let go" a little of the people I was imposing on a bit too much. I've cried a lot. I've accepted some new challenges, physical, and mental. I've been kinder to myself.

This isn't some "born again," "new year, new me" entry. But yesterday my growth and stability was celebrated. And I kind of want to bask in that a little bit.

I've been painted as controlling for most of my life. I've been drowned in disappointments and collapsed by changed plans and expectations. Bogged down by "the rules," I've had to let a lot of that go and it's been a positive experience. 

I'm less wobbly and more...floaty? Does that work? I'm sustaining. And that's more than I can say or have said about myself in a long time. I'm not even sure I'll last one more day or one more week feeling this...sustainable thing but I just want to try and enjoy it.

This week has been busy. Next week is more of the same. I've had a rough 2 and 3/4 years...if you want the real truth, I've had a rough 6 and a half years, which I'm just starting to talk about and come to terms with. So much of that is the beauty of life. We continue. We prevail.

I've been in my own way and caused myself extra hurt and turmoil and I don't want to do that anymore. I've made not great choices and countless mistakes. I want to make better choices and lower that mistake count. I don't want everything to hinge on other people, but sometimes we need to hold others accountable. I'm seeking the balances. I want to be a good friend as much as I want to be treated well by my friends.

I really just want everyone I care about, to be happy. Not Hallmark Card, Disney "happy," just...sustainable and copacetic I guess. Well, if they want to be Hallmark Card Disney happy, I'll support them but may be slightly skeptical. Will there be random bursts of song? 

I won't pretend that with this outlook and methodology there aren't casualties. I'm not as text-friendly lately. Social media stuff has taken a huge hit. I'm much more Instagram-friendly than Facebook anymore. I'm more private and selective when it comes to who knows what about certain aspects of my life. And I'm much less tolerable of mistreatment. If I don't like how you're treating me, I'll tell you, like it or not. I'm not always mean about it, but I'm working on being more assertive.

So here I am, another blog down, with a much better life attitude than I've had in awhile. I'm feeling lighter, sustainable and in tune with myself. Old habits die hard. I won't pretend slip-ups and bad days won't happen, but I can tell you I'm better equipped to let them affect me less. I hope someone reads this and feels better about their mental struggle. Feel free to reach out to me at any time! Happy Friday Eve you all!

"It's Not Even Worth It To Take Time For Myself" - Another Mom and Me Too

I literally was having an Instagram Messenger conversation with another mom and we were talking about a meme she posted about being too tired to do things and commiserating with one another. I've written about this subject on multiple occasions, but it bears further discussion in my opinion.

I usually feel like, not only is it frowned upon, but it's not even worth it to take time for myself. It has been my personal experience that whenever I indulge in some "Treat Yo Self" time, I come home to something worse than when I left. If I go get a massage, which happens once a year at best, I'll come home to some crazy mess. If I get a manicure or pedicure, hubby gets a migraine and I'm stressed about finishing the cleaning he couldn't. Sometimes I think it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I suck at relaxing in general. I could most likely easily be diagnosed with ADD but I just feel like there is always something I need to be getting done. And I always have a million little projects on the Pinterest board of my mind! So when I get "me time," I either immediately have some weird form of "buyers" remorse or feel like I pay for it in other ways later.

For me, "me time" usually involves a workout because that isn't selfish it's self care, right? But now we see all these other self care methods like, face masks, manicures, pedicures and of course the Parks and Recreation spearheaded movement of "Treat Yo Self" which is just an excuse to buy a bunch of stuff you want for yourself. Man, I wish I could pull that off without feeling so badly about it right after.

In the grander scheme I do genuinely feel like taking time for myself isn't worth it. I don't know what it's like to be bored anymore and any time for just me to indulge in any "me" ways could be much better spent cleaning something or making some kind of progress of some kind. I often fantasize about what I would do with a day off with no plans. My husband immediately taunts me that it could never happen for me so it's an impossible dream. I over-plan and schedule everything.

Sometimes I wonder if there were no alarms and no responsibilities or obligations for a whole weekend, just how long I could sleep. And I think as moms we are tired because we constantly fear it's not worth taking time for ourselves, so we just keep running and running. We stay up late to watch too much TV, to eat what sugar and treats our kids can't have, and to do things without interruption. We get up early to beat the kids to stuff so we can get a head start on productivity. And we constantly rearrange everything to make sure everyone and everything else comes before we do. 

It can feel insanely thankless at times. You think of all these things you do and then people ask, "How do you do it all?" And the answer is you don't. We are our worst critics and we always feel we fall short. For instance, I have a clean house, a good job, and we finally have affordable health, dental and vision insurance and aren't up to our ears in debt. But I'm not involved in Luna's school like at all, and also, her one extra-curricular activity is on Saturday mornings and that's it. 

So again, it's not even worth taking any more time for myself than the gym because we have so much else going on. We do socially childless things maybe twice a month and I even try to keep us home as much as possible for chill and reboot time. 

I will admit during a crappy personal time I went through a selfish phase and was out too much and just on my own agenda and everything in my home life suffered, and I did too. But still, it pains me that most mothers feel this way. They feel like taking time for themselves just makes everything else worse and if they do they really won't be able to keep up or make up for it. I think the worst part of those feelings is, they are partially true.

We will never gain the lost time back. If we take a night to binge-watch Netflix and miss a sporting tournament or activity, we never get it back and we miss kid moments. If we don't wake up at 5AM and workout, we never get that workout back. In some senses, the whole "there's always tomorrow" thing is a bunch of crap that we can't even afford to buy into because, tomorrow will open a whole new kind of busy!

There will be more chores tomorrow, more mess, more dishes and more stress when we could just do it today. My husband gives me such a hard time about not leaving things until the morning. I always say I can sleep better just knowing it's done, which is true. I hate dreading a chore or list of things to get done, when I could have made some progress or done what I could the night before. It's a "blurse," a blessing and a curse.

My thoughts are this: let's strive to find even 5 minutes to ourselves for anything. Five minutes alone with a cup of coffee, a book, a couple songs or a walk! We can build from there and maybe learn how to give ourselves a little more time, and then feel it's worth it! Moms feel plenty of "unworthyness" feelings from all over, but some time for ourselves is not only okay but, we DESERVE IT. 

I won't wax on about it being "necessary," but I will speak from experience that it is helpful. A few minutes that are my own can completely turn around my mood and in turn, my entire day. So figure out ways to "Treat Yo Self," for just you, and no one else. Mine is a cup of fancy coffee on my way to work from my favorite coffee shop and then walking the dog alone a couple times a week. Feel free to post yours and share your self care methods. I want to know you're taking time for yourself because you're worth it. It's worth it. We are all worth it! Make that your mantra!