I'm often purposefully vague about my job because it's the only writing-related job I've ever had, and after years of burning out and burning bridges at other places I finally feel comfortable, valuable and as though I do my job pretty well, while using all of my talents.
I had someone ask me about my job, "Well don't you write?" For my job I don't actually write the newsletters, I just edit. So after that explanation I said, "But I write my blog." And then the question was asked, "But you like to write, you enjoy it?" I don't think I caught a breath before my retort of "Writing is the only thing I've ever liked to do." And it gave me a little kick in my heart when I effortlessly said that.
I come from a long line of highly creative under-achievers. We have amazing ideas and vision and seldom can we fully formulate results. For me? I'm realizing that the support that I would need to become what I would love, isn't quite there.
I don't need to be left alone in a cabin to formulate my thoughts or inspired by travel with thousands of dollars in inspirational materials and income. But I see these classes and workshops and contests and I just have no confidence or positive push to do them. If I won a weekend workshop in Maine to learn from a great writer of America, there's the ticket we can't afford, the child care we can't afford and then when I return inspired, what would come of it? Would I magically write an Oprah, Ellen and Reese Witherspoon recommended title?
I used to dream of interning and writing for Paste Magazine, but life happens and I was too afraid to be rejected with an application. Also when I mentioned living in Atlanta for any period of time the "No" blinker-board started flashing in red. Then I wanted to contribute for HelloGiggles. I often saw many little errors in their articles but they were fun, topical, trendy and conversational, so an easy read.
I'd love nothing more than to write some kind of book, possibly a memoir or autobiographical in nature, but I've always loved poetry and short stories as well. I used to live to attend poetry slams and be around creativity to thrive. Now I kind of do what I can and just try and make it through each day, with this blog as my 2019 challenge for myself.
There's a lot of uncomfortable, dark and rough things I'd love to put on paper but definitely feel like I don't have a safe, creative outlet to share it or to unload it all within. That makes me feel sad sometimes but, we continue.
I'm not sure when it all began, but for me, writing has just always been the place where I can put it all down without judgement or discussion. It was a safety. I always got A's in any writing or literature class and it was all I was ever good at, which I maintain today.
Lately I've begun to wonder what would happen if I just started taking the risk, entering contests, applying for weekend workshops, even taking local classes. I wonder what potential is stifled within my circumstance. But then I bring myself back down to earth and remember I'm just that working mom with a blog. I could be some kind of internet presence some day. I could be some Instagram personality I guess, but I'm not sure how that would all look.
I also don't want anything I write to negatively affect a reader. I did that once, I wrote, what was meant to be this funny, quippy blog, about leaving a truly horrible job and a boss that was just...we couldn't coexist, and my ex-employer came upon my blog recounting it, even though I had already left the position and they lost their minds and basically called me back in to go off on me.
I remember talking to them about so much of my writing and storytelling stemming from dark, cynical and sarcastic places but they were just offended. It took me years to realize that they weren't mad at the full situation or that they hurt me or mistreated me as a good and capable employee, they were mad I called them out on it.
For anyone who knew me well at the time, what I wrote was a hilarious diatribe and coming of age job story that was "Oh, so Alison." But for the people who read it, who I assumed would never know about it, never waste time reading it, and wouldn't even care, they seemed to instead just use it more and more in their argument of me being a despicable human and not, a girl trying to find her way after working endless shifts for them for a year and a half only to be called a "bitch" by her male boss when she did her job flawlessly, but didn't make friends with her younger co-workers whom she cleaned up after relentlessly and off the clock I might add. Run on sentence much?
Eight years later and it still gets to me sometimes. I digress. What I learned the hard way was, no matter how clever the rhetoric, it had consequences to unleash that into the universe beyond "gossip." Writing can cause collateral damage and I've yet to find a safe way to balance my true feelings and my written words. I would never intend to write in my anger and have someone read it and think I actually wish them any ill will. So where is my outlet then? What is the right way to write?
This is my struggle. Daily, I post about parenting, and silly things like Cookie Chairs and Hand Me Downs, but sometimes I want to talk about living with addiction and alcoholic family members and what that has done to me. Sometimes I want to talk about feeling lost or even feeling found. Sometimes I want to talk about the wounds of my childhood and other days I want to complain about first world problems and mom-drama.
The balance is rough for me, I won't lie, but perhaps it is for all highly-creative underachievers. For now, I keep myself within certain boundaries but hope to one day write it all and offend with the best of them. (This is an example of that cynical sarcasm that gets me in trouble).
Regardless, when asked about writing what you need to know about me is this: Writing is my coffee. It makes me feel awake, alive, capable, and able to take on more than I think I can without it. And there you have it!
Thursday, February 7, 2019
Wednesday, February 6, 2019
Kids Clothes - Hand Me Downs Are Life
I remember over-buying clothes for when she was cute and chunky and I could get away with forcing her into little outfits. But now that she's older, my daughter lives in hand-me-downs.
Kids stain and ruin everything but that is because they play hard in all of their clothes. I'm fortunate enough to have a friend with 3 older girls and we have been so blessed with hand me downs in general. I almost never buy anything new for my daughter. Also, my mom is a shop-aholic and she buys my daughter all the unnecessary things. Not kidding.
With all the clothes, hand me down and new alike, my daughter still somehow manages to only wear the same 4 or 5 articles of clothing. I used to try and arrange her drawers so she wouldn't wear out anything too specific. She now puts her laundry away though and rifles through there to find her favorites. Lost cause!
When people buy her new stuff, she wears it immediately and repeatedly, but lately I have to remind her to "wear the new." Her pants hilariously always have the butts of them rub off in pattern or worn down the most. All that time on the slide, climbing and being crazy.
I had an old friend who had a baby a couple years after me and I offered to give her a bunch of gently used things. Her response? "We just want new stuff, but thanks." To each their own, and everyone loves a baby shower but I was taken aback because baby stuff is expensive! Kids stuff is expensive.
My friend and I always gripe about how expensive kids shoes are. It's ridiculous because they don't even get longevity their feet grow so fast! So we pass down sneakers to her young daughter often because we both believe them to be an obnoxious expense.
When friends by my daughter clothes, I feel so grateful. A cute shirt, a new dress, they go a long way! My mom still insists on her having Easter outfits and others just like to keep her trendy.
I honestly don't even know how we'd afford to cloth my daughter without them haha. But I also like telling Luna, "Those are from so and so," "Those used to be so and so's." When she knows she seems to like them even more like she got something so cool that was effortlessly shared.
I try to make sure we pass on the blessings as well, whether it be to Salvation Army or to kids we know personally. Clothing can certainly withstand children and some families are desperately in need. One kid's slightly off color Disney shirt is another kiddo's fancy new Frozen fashion! Everyone deserves a chance at dressing up in whatever way possible.
I myself was blessed with work clothes hand me downs from friends because I rarely buy myself anything new or even have time to shop. My husband gets a lot of shoes and t-shirts from friends. I'm always just grateful. And any old shirts can always be a nightshirt because I live for PJs.
Being fashionable and trendy costs a lot of money, so I just do what I can, for us all. This year we splurged on matching Christmas shirts, because they were on sale. As for my kiddo? Sometimes we get some My Little Pony and Trolls gear but most people like to send those as gifts.
I am so grateful for hand me downs, willing to share and will never turn down a nice gesture such as shared fashions. Bring on the shoes, swim suits and cute tops! We are open for accepting such gifts and thankful that we know wonderful people willing to share! My living room is all hand me down furniture. It's like a way of life and I live to be frugal! Feel free to share your favorite hand me downs or how you
Kids stain and ruin everything but that is because they play hard in all of their clothes. I'm fortunate enough to have a friend with 3 older girls and we have been so blessed with hand me downs in general. I almost never buy anything new for my daughter. Also, my mom is a shop-aholic and she buys my daughter all the unnecessary things. Not kidding.
With all the clothes, hand me down and new alike, my daughter still somehow manages to only wear the same 4 or 5 articles of clothing. I used to try and arrange her drawers so she wouldn't wear out anything too specific. She now puts her laundry away though and rifles through there to find her favorites. Lost cause!
When people buy her new stuff, she wears it immediately and repeatedly, but lately I have to remind her to "wear the new." Her pants hilariously always have the butts of them rub off in pattern or worn down the most. All that time on the slide, climbing and being crazy.
I had an old friend who had a baby a couple years after me and I offered to give her a bunch of gently used things. Her response? "We just want new stuff, but thanks." To each their own, and everyone loves a baby shower but I was taken aback because baby stuff is expensive! Kids stuff is expensive.
My friend and I always gripe about how expensive kids shoes are. It's ridiculous because they don't even get longevity their feet grow so fast! So we pass down sneakers to her young daughter often because we both believe them to be an obnoxious expense.
When friends by my daughter clothes, I feel so grateful. A cute shirt, a new dress, they go a long way! My mom still insists on her having Easter outfits and others just like to keep her trendy.
I honestly don't even know how we'd afford to cloth my daughter without them haha. But I also like telling Luna, "Those are from so and so," "Those used to be so and so's." When she knows she seems to like them even more like she got something so cool that was effortlessly shared.
I try to make sure we pass on the blessings as well, whether it be to Salvation Army or to kids we know personally. Clothing can certainly withstand children and some families are desperately in need. One kid's slightly off color Disney shirt is another kiddo's fancy new Frozen fashion! Everyone deserves a chance at dressing up in whatever way possible.
I myself was blessed with work clothes hand me downs from friends because I rarely buy myself anything new or even have time to shop. My husband gets a lot of shoes and t-shirts from friends. I'm always just grateful. And any old shirts can always be a nightshirt because I live for PJs.
Being fashionable and trendy costs a lot of money, so I just do what I can, for us all. This year we splurged on matching Christmas shirts, because they were on sale. As for my kiddo? Sometimes we get some My Little Pony and Trolls gear but most people like to send those as gifts.
I am so grateful for hand me downs, willing to share and will never turn down a nice gesture such as shared fashions. Bring on the shoes, swim suits and cute tops! We are open for accepting such gifts and thankful that we know wonderful people willing to share! My living room is all hand me down furniture. It's like a way of life and I live to be frugal! Feel free to share your favorite hand me downs or how you
Tuesday, February 5, 2019
Lessons In Mindfulness: The Struggle Is Real
It has been suggested to me that I benefit from Mindfulness Exercises. You can actually Google and YouTube these. Stopping to be mindful, even with simple meditation is difficult and exhausting. I am just one of those people whose brain is like a hamster on a wheel. It never stops. That's why I obsessively work out at times because I put all my mental energy into the workout and then am so exhausted my brain just stops to let me sleep.
So the mindfulness thing is quite the challenge. So I found this song:
When I put this song on, I just immediately start yoga breathing and slowing down my thoughts. Something about the piano and that there are no words. It's just so gorgeous.
I found this song from one of the last scenes in my newly beloved series, Big Little Lies, and I don't know if it makes me mindful because it ties together all of the trauma of the story line, if I can replay the happenings along with it or because I feel connected with all of the emotions portrayed during the tune's accompaniment to the story. Maybe all of the above but when I'm driving, or first thing in the morning with coffee, or before I go to bed, I can just turn this song on and STOP.
So I've kind of morphed it into a meditation of sorts to just feel. I've recently discovered that I've kept so many of my feelings at bay just, off to the side, swept under the rug that I kind of need to allow myself increments to just "feel the feelings." ALL THE FEELS.I think music has always been that gateway for me.
It's hard to stop and do anything for myself for 5 minutes. I have buyers remorse for a cup of coffee. But I'm working to get to a place where I can carve out this time daily and be okay with it.
Clearing your mind, or at least clearing my mind is such a difficult achievement. It takes so much, almost like using the force, in my humble opinion. I have found that I can reconfigure myself during this time to be more peaceful and positive, however, which is super important.
Any music can make me slow down but for whatever reason this one just triggers reflection time, and I love it. I hope you all can enjoy the song but I'd love some feedback on mindfulness from anyone else who has utilized this practice. I should probably just get back into yoga but everything costs money and I'm over here trying to be frugal and financially smart!
Rock on readers and try the mindfulness thing!
So the mindfulness thing is quite the challenge. So I found this song:
When I put this song on, I just immediately start yoga breathing and slowing down my thoughts. Something about the piano and that there are no words. It's just so gorgeous.
I found this song from one of the last scenes in my newly beloved series, Big Little Lies, and I don't know if it makes me mindful because it ties together all of the trauma of the story line, if I can replay the happenings along with it or because I feel connected with all of the emotions portrayed during the tune's accompaniment to the story. Maybe all of the above but when I'm driving, or first thing in the morning with coffee, or before I go to bed, I can just turn this song on and STOP.
So I've kind of morphed it into a meditation of sorts to just feel. I've recently discovered that I've kept so many of my feelings at bay just, off to the side, swept under the rug that I kind of need to allow myself increments to just "feel the feelings." ALL THE FEELS.I think music has always been that gateway for me.
It's hard to stop and do anything for myself for 5 minutes. I have buyers remorse for a cup of coffee. But I'm working to get to a place where I can carve out this time daily and be okay with it.
Clearing your mind, or at least clearing my mind is such a difficult achievement. It takes so much, almost like using the force, in my humble opinion. I have found that I can reconfigure myself during this time to be more peaceful and positive, however, which is super important.
Any music can make me slow down but for whatever reason this one just triggers reflection time, and I love it. I hope you all can enjoy the song but I'd love some feedback on mindfulness from anyone else who has utilized this practice. I should probably just get back into yoga but everything costs money and I'm over here trying to be frugal and financially smart!
Rock on readers and try the mindfulness thing!
Monday, February 4, 2019
What's With Today, Today?
It's been a weird day for me, I'm just going to put it all on the blog. Not in a bitter way, but, more than just a case of the Mondays, it's just been such a weird day.
So I hit up boot camp of course but then re-routed my routine a bit for getting ready for work, which was totally for the better, but between texting and catching up with people from the weekend and just some mental heaviness, I just feel like "What's with today, today?"
I've started and stopped writing about ten different times, trying not to wax on about a diatribe, just trying to think things out. I'm not sure I have any conclusions.
Today I'm consumed with adulting, trying to plan finances, trips, life, and appointments. Today I'm talking to friends about real things and having strangely deep conversations while I'm at work and it's slow. Today I feel tired.
We had a big weekend, no doubt but sometime all those exterior things in life just catch up don't they?
I'm the type of person who feels like I can carry my weight and then one day I have to have all the feels and maybe a sad day; a watch Steel Magnolias and cry kind of day. I don't care who you are, if you can watch Steel Magnolias without balling, you have no soul, just a side note.
And I don't necessarily feel sad today but I feel a little "wobbly" which is my new favorite word. I have my dad in town and my husband making some waves of change and my daughter just turned six. Am I allowed to wobble right now?
I remember a few years ago after I did my first Savage Race it was this huge wave of emotions. You work hard for months getting ready, you go through this 7ish mile thing, your body hates you, everyone is proud of you and you just return to decompress. For me, my friend had my daughter and my husband was going to unpack our house after we'd just moved. It was not at all what I expected. Not even close. And then I got quite ill from all the exertion and such and was in a haze until I hate something real.
It was two days after I was getting ready for work when I had the stove on for coffee and I was just so, done feeling. I didn't hear it boiling over and was trying to handle the baby and not completely awake and my husband was like "Whoa, what's going on!?" It was then I just realized after such and intense weekend that my mind and body were just kind of defeated. And I think there may be a hint of that in the air today.
Having my dad back down here 6 years after he was here for the birth of his granddaughter and watching this huge pile of sass take on the world is just something else. Not to mention normal growing pains. And I mean that for her, and for us as a family.
I've been pretty open about coming out of a rough rough area recently, which I'm sure will be better explained in future posts. We still have 10 months of this people. But watching the growth and being supportive but cautiously optimistic can take a lot out of you. And it's very much a delicate subject for anyone going through major life challenges and trials, and still taking everything that one step at a time, one day at a time.
Life is such an emotional rollercoaster that I think on days like today when you're met with this weird "low" you just kind of bottom out and wait for the next phase. I'm back to work today with more fun planned tomorrow just trying to keep my head above water and stay positive. I'm hoping to find some much better inspiration but feel free to suggest away! Happy Monday!
So I hit up boot camp of course but then re-routed my routine a bit for getting ready for work, which was totally for the better, but between texting and catching up with people from the weekend and just some mental heaviness, I just feel like "What's with today, today?"
I've started and stopped writing about ten different times, trying not to wax on about a diatribe, just trying to think things out. I'm not sure I have any conclusions.
Today I'm consumed with adulting, trying to plan finances, trips, life, and appointments. Today I'm talking to friends about real things and having strangely deep conversations while I'm at work and it's slow. Today I feel tired.
We had a big weekend, no doubt but sometime all those exterior things in life just catch up don't they?
I'm the type of person who feels like I can carry my weight and then one day I have to have all the feels and maybe a sad day; a watch Steel Magnolias and cry kind of day. I don't care who you are, if you can watch Steel Magnolias without balling, you have no soul, just a side note.
And I don't necessarily feel sad today but I feel a little "wobbly" which is my new favorite word. I have my dad in town and my husband making some waves of change and my daughter just turned six. Am I allowed to wobble right now?
I remember a few years ago after I did my first Savage Race it was this huge wave of emotions. You work hard for months getting ready, you go through this 7ish mile thing, your body hates you, everyone is proud of you and you just return to decompress. For me, my friend had my daughter and my husband was going to unpack our house after we'd just moved. It was not at all what I expected. Not even close. And then I got quite ill from all the exertion and such and was in a haze until I hate something real.
It was two days after I was getting ready for work when I had the stove on for coffee and I was just so, done feeling. I didn't hear it boiling over and was trying to handle the baby and not completely awake and my husband was like "Whoa, what's going on!?" It was then I just realized after such and intense weekend that my mind and body were just kind of defeated. And I think there may be a hint of that in the air today.
Having my dad back down here 6 years after he was here for the birth of his granddaughter and watching this huge pile of sass take on the world is just something else. Not to mention normal growing pains. And I mean that for her, and for us as a family.
I've been pretty open about coming out of a rough rough area recently, which I'm sure will be better explained in future posts. We still have 10 months of this people. But watching the growth and being supportive but cautiously optimistic can take a lot out of you. And it's very much a delicate subject for anyone going through major life challenges and trials, and still taking everything that one step at a time, one day at a time.
Life is such an emotional rollercoaster that I think on days like today when you're met with this weird "low" you just kind of bottom out and wait for the next phase. I'm back to work today with more fun planned tomorrow just trying to keep my head above water and stay positive. I'm hoping to find some much better inspiration but feel free to suggest away! Happy Monday!
Sunday, February 3, 2019
Birthday Hangover and Super Bowl
We survived the big birthday! And I think my daughter has a serious hangover from partying too hard. Today we even had a little more birthday mania with a trip to Build A Bear, excuse me her FIRST trip to Build A Bear courtesy of a friend. Her mind is effectively blown.
Me? My house is a glorious mess and I'm in one of those weird calm states where I know I just can't do too much about it so, bless my mess.
Now we kind of just await the game. Football for me has always been more of a social thing, rather than like, something to watch. In high school girls go to the games to hang out with guys and meet up with their friends and talk. In college you were supposed to support your college team because college football is weird. I went to one game.
For the Super Bowl my reasons are threefold: Junk food, commercials, and halftime show. Sure the game is fun too but let's be real. It used to be beer/food but things have changed a bit in my old age, so here we are.
The birthday hangover has been rough, I'll admit. She's been pretty cranky and sensitive today but with my dad here and a visit to church, she's been a little less crazy. Birthdays are a big deal and she's still reeling from all the fun.
I've tried to explain the Super Bowl to her a few times but I lack any non-lame way of explaining it well, perhaps because to me it's an excuse to gorge on Doritos and laugh at commercials instead of an actual sporting event.
I've always admired real football fans who get into it but the only sport I ever truly got attached to was Tennis and a little of Basketball. Basketball I LOVED to watch in high school. It didn't hurt that 2 of my cousins were basketball stars in our county so I got dragged all over to cheer them on. It was so fun.
Tennis I actually played well and I'm not a sporty person by any imagination. Football was just the thing that happened before the dance and a place to find guys.
So on Super Bowl Sunday while I'm surrounded by family, many things I should be doing and no energy to do them, I'm kind of joining into the Birthday Hangover mode and just chilling out. My daughter is currently bug catching with her dad and I'm listening to my pug howl over my shoulder and some random neighborhood dog he can't even see.
I'm ready for the game and for more family time for sure. Enjoy the game! Drink responsibly and have a great weekend. Thank you all again for your patience as life catches up with me and feel free to email me and comment on requested topics and fun entry ideas!
Me? My house is a glorious mess and I'm in one of those weird calm states where I know I just can't do too much about it so, bless my mess.
Now we kind of just await the game. Football for me has always been more of a social thing, rather than like, something to watch. In high school girls go to the games to hang out with guys and meet up with their friends and talk. In college you were supposed to support your college team because college football is weird. I went to one game.
For the Super Bowl my reasons are threefold: Junk food, commercials, and halftime show. Sure the game is fun too but let's be real. It used to be beer/food but things have changed a bit in my old age, so here we are.
The birthday hangover has been rough, I'll admit. She's been pretty cranky and sensitive today but with my dad here and a visit to church, she's been a little less crazy. Birthdays are a big deal and she's still reeling from all the fun.
I've tried to explain the Super Bowl to her a few times but I lack any non-lame way of explaining it well, perhaps because to me it's an excuse to gorge on Doritos and laugh at commercials instead of an actual sporting event.
I've always admired real football fans who get into it but the only sport I ever truly got attached to was Tennis and a little of Basketball. Basketball I LOVED to watch in high school. It didn't hurt that 2 of my cousins were basketball stars in our county so I got dragged all over to cheer them on. It was so fun.
Tennis I actually played well and I'm not a sporty person by any imagination. Football was just the thing that happened before the dance and a place to find guys.
So on Super Bowl Sunday while I'm surrounded by family, many things I should be doing and no energy to do them, I'm kind of joining into the Birthday Hangover mode and just chilling out. My daughter is currently bug catching with her dad and I'm listening to my pug howl over my shoulder and some random neighborhood dog he can't even see.
I'm ready for the game and for more family time for sure. Enjoy the game! Drink responsibly and have a great weekend. Thank you all again for your patience as life catches up with me and feel free to email me and comment on requested topics and fun entry ideas!
Saturday, February 2, 2019
One Month In And Tonight I Barely Made It
I'm a month into my year of posting successfully! I'm pretty proud of myself right now, if I may say so. And tonight I really just want to go to bed, but we had a big epic day. So I shall recap for my readers.
This morning was super Saturday filled with Birthday fun. My dad is in town, Luna had horseback riding lessons, her birthday party and a birthday dinner with our closest family. We did it!
Horseback riding was amazing. She did so well, like, you can see all my money going to a fantastic place. She listened so well and earned a cupcake!
She had some down time after with a real lunch and then I did some errands and picked up the my little pony cake. She put on her fancy dress and let down her hair and we were off.
The birthday party was at the bowling alley. Nine children bowling was the most hilarious thing ever. What gorgeous chaos. So wonderful to watch and take in. After pizza and cake we hit the arcade. Then we gave out party favors and came home.
We brought a little friend home with her to play. This was my best idea ever because she immediately had fun that didn't involve us getting ready for company. It was time to get ready to host dinner. And my husband was making my favorite: tacos.
Whenever we have company he cooks for like 100, never for the number we will actually have. We also are never on time. Whenever I tell someone to come over, I think we'll eat within 30 minutes of arrival. It's almost always over an hour.
We ate tacos, more cake and we visited with what we consider our Florida family. After this day I feel exhausted and blessed. We had all of our favorite kiddos with their parents there to celebrate the big 6. We had family over to visit and celebrate this growing child of mine.
Now it's crawling towards 10PM and I just want to crawl into my bed. So thank you all for a first wonderful month of my journey. Tomorrow I will have the capacity to enjoy more writing, probably during the Superbowl and after cake and wine, this tired mama will be heading to bed soon. Until tomorrow readers!
Friday, February 1, 2019
Bills, Budget, Money, Oh My!
My mom asked if I was technically a millennial last night. I told her technically I may be an #eldermillennial. When I was young, even when things were at their worst, I never worried that we wouldn't have a roof over our heads or food on the table. I never saw my dad use credit cards, really and when divorce things happened in any part of my family I don't ever recall any complaints about money involved. Perhaps it was all on the down low.
Money stuff is hard. Let's just be real and admit that paying bills sucks as does adulting but financial stuff is hard. During one of my darkest years recently I had seen old friends doing well. They had new houses, new cars, golf carts, and great dates all posted on social media. I felt like I was always struggling and kept getting shut out of having even a chance to have those things. I was once confronted by someone as being "A hater" because I just said, "They have everything including what must be some serious credit card debt, which I could never do."
It was funny to me how that made me a "hater." I learned the hard way, really fast, and then even worse and slower like when you're afraid to remove a band-aid, just how bad all things related to credit and debt could be. And worse, I had nothing to show for it. I wasn't a shop-aholic. I had no new vehicles, we couldn't get a house loan, nothing. No memorable vacations or anything. It was all just...something for another post, or maybe my book.
Back to the point of the debt. My dad taught me how to use credit cards, and I know not everyone is so lucky. For me, real debt, more than something that can be easily caught up on in a month or two, makes me stressed, anxious and very defeated. It's often a point of contention.
I was raised not to discuss money things with other people and from that has come a lot of misunderstanding a grief. I should have asked for help in terms of advice and how to do things the most efficient ways. I've had to change my methods over and over. And this is what I know:
You'll always have "some" debt. It's inevitable. It's all about the debt to net worth ratio. My uncle once said this to me in jest, but when we were buying the house, it all became clear, if your debt outweighs what you can predictably bring in...you're doomed. I do everything in my power to "live within my means."
I'm a saver. And my husband is a spender. Sigh...imagine the controversy there. It has not been easy. I'm that person that the day the bill arrives: PAID, POOF, MONEY GONE! I want things taken care of immediately. No past due balances or skipped payments for me. I believe that after the bills are paid you can go out to play. You don't go out to eat when you have an electric bill you'll barely pay in full.
After adulting and doing all the math over and over and over. And obsessing over and over and over about everything, I'm pretty close to keeping us at break even and this is a big deal in my world. I do get upset from time to time when I have to scale back. I recently had to get rid of my gym membership which stinks, but I do enjoy having dental insurance.
Financial struggles and life struggles are hard to share and I think I still keep stuff pretty private. A lot of my association with failure is aligned with money. Like clearly you're successful if you have all the things right? Not really.
I spent the last year just so done with all these unfair ideologies I pushed on myself for so long. I started to really focus on how to handle the disappointments and hurdles and just ask myself "What can be possibly done now? What can you hope to accomplish in the future?" I've really had to retool so much of my thinking and I feel better for it honestly.
I will tell you one funny misstep though: I had reached out for a financial mentor and it was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever encountered. After we moved our money into retirement funds and savings accounts and started really breaking down what we earn and where it goes, I just thought "We have to stop living paycheck to paycheck."
When I called and started breaking things down, not only did I feel stupid because I only had ballpark numbers of certain things, but I was made to feel pretty stupid too. Little things like opening our retirement accounts and "you couldn't have put that much in because XYZ..." Well we did, however it happened with our financial investor they did it. The next advice was to close all but one credit card, and we only had two. And the 2nd one I'd had since I was 18. Same account, which means I have a great history with them and I just thought..."that seems like really bad advice!"
The last advice, which was good but too much for me was "Write down exactly what you spend on every single thing and keep every receipt." This is where I get ridiculous. I have a serious hatred for receipts. I wish EVERYTHING was an e-receipt and we stopped using that horrible paper with that ink. I can be wasteful about stupid stuff but I HATE RECEIPTS. And I never keep them unless I MIGHT need to return something. Also, every purchase? Ever heard of internet banking? Aside from what exact groceries you buy, it's all there, on a credit OR debit card.
After the conversation I just felt kind of annoyed. I had taken control in financial chaos and busted my butt to get us on track and now I was to do more? And here's the thing, the steps we took were just so huge, that I wanted to enjoy the success, not add on more work. Also? We had just enough to get by. This didn't account for, large car repairs, raises in insurance, a raise in pay or other things. There's so damned much unknown. You literally cannot plan for everything. So why make myself crazy?
And that's when I gave myself a nice pep talk: "Look, you can do what you can and remind yourself that your family will never let you go without anything necessary in life if things get really bad, and stay tenacious, and not sweat the small stuff, or you can try all these things, sacrifice some more sanity and have it probably not work for you in a functional way. What will make you happy?"
I figured out my own way. That's what made me happy. Finding my own way to integrate the advice, and everything else to keep us on the correct path. I finally saw everything from all angles and I just wanted to keep up the good fight without messing with the delicate balance of what I'd begun.
I'm more grateful now I feel. I'm more, in tune with where I want to be and where I am. I still throw a tantrum if I have to be responsible and miss a concert or can't go buy new bras just because there's a sale. But I've seen a lot of great concerts. And there's always another sale and my current bras still function. There are also so many less fortunate and I really would like to be able to give back to them in a real way. I think that's a much better goal than new furniture.
These are all growing pains and I'm always open to ideas and advice. And most people have financial issues in some way or another. The American way feels like we're spending what we haven't made but I'd like to be the cheese that stands alone on that one. Much like everything else in life it's one day at a time. And it's a constant check and balance on we can do extra and what we can't.
But the bills, budgeting and money...sigh, oh my. They will always be a part of life. Find what works for you!
Money stuff is hard. Let's just be real and admit that paying bills sucks as does adulting but financial stuff is hard. During one of my darkest years recently I had seen old friends doing well. They had new houses, new cars, golf carts, and great dates all posted on social media. I felt like I was always struggling and kept getting shut out of having even a chance to have those things. I was once confronted by someone as being "A hater" because I just said, "They have everything including what must be some serious credit card debt, which I could never do."
It was funny to me how that made me a "hater." I learned the hard way, really fast, and then even worse and slower like when you're afraid to remove a band-aid, just how bad all things related to credit and debt could be. And worse, I had nothing to show for it. I wasn't a shop-aholic. I had no new vehicles, we couldn't get a house loan, nothing. No memorable vacations or anything. It was all just...something for another post, or maybe my book.
Back to the point of the debt. My dad taught me how to use credit cards, and I know not everyone is so lucky. For me, real debt, more than something that can be easily caught up on in a month or two, makes me stressed, anxious and very defeated. It's often a point of contention.
I was raised not to discuss money things with other people and from that has come a lot of misunderstanding a grief. I should have asked for help in terms of advice and how to do things the most efficient ways. I've had to change my methods over and over. And this is what I know:
You'll always have "some" debt. It's inevitable. It's all about the debt to net worth ratio. My uncle once said this to me in jest, but when we were buying the house, it all became clear, if your debt outweighs what you can predictably bring in...you're doomed. I do everything in my power to "live within my means."
I'm a saver. And my husband is a spender. Sigh...imagine the controversy there. It has not been easy. I'm that person that the day the bill arrives: PAID, POOF, MONEY GONE! I want things taken care of immediately. No past due balances or skipped payments for me. I believe that after the bills are paid you can go out to play. You don't go out to eat when you have an electric bill you'll barely pay in full.
After adulting and doing all the math over and over and over. And obsessing over and over and over about everything, I'm pretty close to keeping us at break even and this is a big deal in my world. I do get upset from time to time when I have to scale back. I recently had to get rid of my gym membership which stinks, but I do enjoy having dental insurance.
Financial struggles and life struggles are hard to share and I think I still keep stuff pretty private. A lot of my association with failure is aligned with money. Like clearly you're successful if you have all the things right? Not really.
I spent the last year just so done with all these unfair ideologies I pushed on myself for so long. I started to really focus on how to handle the disappointments and hurdles and just ask myself "What can be possibly done now? What can you hope to accomplish in the future?" I've really had to retool so much of my thinking and I feel better for it honestly.
I will tell you one funny misstep though: I had reached out for a financial mentor and it was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever encountered. After we moved our money into retirement funds and savings accounts and started really breaking down what we earn and where it goes, I just thought "We have to stop living paycheck to paycheck."
When I called and started breaking things down, not only did I feel stupid because I only had ballpark numbers of certain things, but I was made to feel pretty stupid too. Little things like opening our retirement accounts and "you couldn't have put that much in because XYZ..." Well we did, however it happened with our financial investor they did it. The next advice was to close all but one credit card, and we only had two. And the 2nd one I'd had since I was 18. Same account, which means I have a great history with them and I just thought..."that seems like really bad advice!"
The last advice, which was good but too much for me was "Write down exactly what you spend on every single thing and keep every receipt." This is where I get ridiculous. I have a serious hatred for receipts. I wish EVERYTHING was an e-receipt and we stopped using that horrible paper with that ink. I can be wasteful about stupid stuff but I HATE RECEIPTS. And I never keep them unless I MIGHT need to return something. Also, every purchase? Ever heard of internet banking? Aside from what exact groceries you buy, it's all there, on a credit OR debit card.
After the conversation I just felt kind of annoyed. I had taken control in financial chaos and busted my butt to get us on track and now I was to do more? And here's the thing, the steps we took were just so huge, that I wanted to enjoy the success, not add on more work. Also? We had just enough to get by. This didn't account for, large car repairs, raises in insurance, a raise in pay or other things. There's so damned much unknown. You literally cannot plan for everything. So why make myself crazy?
And that's when I gave myself a nice pep talk: "Look, you can do what you can and remind yourself that your family will never let you go without anything necessary in life if things get really bad, and stay tenacious, and not sweat the small stuff, or you can try all these things, sacrifice some more sanity and have it probably not work for you in a functional way. What will make you happy?"
I figured out my own way. That's what made me happy. Finding my own way to integrate the advice, and everything else to keep us on the correct path. I finally saw everything from all angles and I just wanted to keep up the good fight without messing with the delicate balance of what I'd begun.
I'm more grateful now I feel. I'm more, in tune with where I want to be and where I am. I still throw a tantrum if I have to be responsible and miss a concert or can't go buy new bras just because there's a sale. But I've seen a lot of great concerts. And there's always another sale and my current bras still function. There are also so many less fortunate and I really would like to be able to give back to them in a real way. I think that's a much better goal than new furniture.
These are all growing pains and I'm always open to ideas and advice. And most people have financial issues in some way or another. The American way feels like we're spending what we haven't made but I'd like to be the cheese that stands alone on that one. Much like everything else in life it's one day at a time. And it's a constant check and balance on we can do extra and what we can't.
But the bills, budgeting and money...sigh, oh my. They will always be a part of life. Find what works for you!
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