To Socialize Or To Self Care? That Is The Question!

I'm about to embark on 10 days of 90% parenting alone and being lucky if I grab 20 minutes of conversation with my hubby daily, and then seeing him for all of 2 hours one morning this weekend. #Restaurantlife

At the end of this 10 days I realized my daughter will be at an all day camp for Girl Scouts and I am left open and having a day to myself. I mean this when I say, it never happens unless I'm somehow home, and she is at school. Truly, it is extremely rare. 

Now I am faced with this question: do I take a quiet, uninterrupted day in my own home to be productive and watch TV? OR, do I schedule time with people I've been meaning to catch up with but just haven't found the time? Do I socialize? Or do I self care? Such decisions!

This is what truly stinks about being an introverted extrovert, it's such a weird mix:

Should I recharge or should I go catch up with my tribe? Part of me says, let's see how next week goes. The other part wants to reach out to the people who have been trying to catch up with me and schedule some fun. Oh what a tangled web we weave.

I love my down time. These next 10 days will be ones that end with quiet, reading, and tea, and are calm and mentally healing I hope. With that comes the mixed in stress of knowing that by the end of all of this, I will have one exhausted husband and a very anxious six year old to care for in their reboot needs. This too shall pass. 

Sometimes after a week of feeling alone, I do thrive on being out in the world and mingling but there is a part of me that wants to curl up and do nothing. I don't ever just "do nothing," anymore. "Do nothing" was a phrase I loved and a goal I had always made for myself before motherhood and adulting came at me full swing. Now I just try and do what I can when I can, which is all I can do in fact.

That duality of the "ambivert" within me is so weird. I found this meme and it sums it up well I think:

I can rock some serious quiet, now more than ever. You don't know the true value or importance of quiet until you have a child, in my humble opinion. I can also be the most social person you've ever seen, which can be a blessing and a curse.

I hate this internal mental wrestling match within myself because it shouldn't feel like a chore to enjoy "free time." I'm just that person who feels like there is always something that should be done and keeps on going until I hit my wall and deflate like one of the balloons after the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

For today in my allergy haze, just starting on day one of the mania, I've decided to sleep on it. I do my best decision making on a good night's rest, or so I'd like to believe. Maybe I will hide from the world or maybe I will re-emerge fierce and ferocious and ready to play. Of course I will report back!

Today's Post Brought To You By Resilience

I have recently been defined as exhibiting resilience, so I Googled the exact definition: the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress; an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change. 

Let's break this down.The capability of a strained body to recover it's size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress. Two words: CAR ACCIDENT.

An ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change? I possess said ability, yes. Adjust easily? Define easily! Easily to misfortune and change? Hmm...I don't recall any of it being done easily but just being done.

I'm not sure how to feel about this being me. In some ways it is complimentary but I can't help struggle with the feeling that I shouldn't have to be so resilient. This is why my new favorite word is wobbly, which is definitely a move from ambivalence, most likely in the right direction. 

Some of my easy adjustments to misfortune and change are from exhaustion. Sometimes I can't have that same argument over and over. Some of my adjustments to misfortune and change have come with tantrum, depression and all of them with anxiety. But I put on a good game face, that much is true.

I posted just last night about being that person who can look completely put together while internally just collapsing. You can say something that completely breaks me and my worst response would just be resting bitch face, I just get stone-faced and absorb whatever offensiveness affronts me. Sometimes that feels cowardly, other times I'm just avoiding confrontation like a normal anxious depressive adult.

But lately I just ask myself, is it worth getting upset about? As a woman we are notoriously labeled as nagging, whining, high maintenance beings. It's pretty unfair but sometimes we do live up to the stereotype, sorry to say. But then again, how many times should we have to adjust "easily" and "handle" the misfortune and change. 

I've been mistreated, I've been taken for granted, hurt physically, emotionally and spiritually like the rest of us. I've even experienced a degree of sexual assault and yet, I prove my resilience right? Is that a compliment though? To be able to put up with all of this? Maybe we shouldn't have to.

After everything with the #metoo movement it became more clear to me than ever that all women are resilient. We all handle more than our share, and most often with grace and composure, but we shouldn't have to. And this isn't to say that we need to take our resting bitch faces and turn on "the bitch switch." But I feel like we can use our resilience to better ourselves and our world, instead of letting it define us.

I think my issue with resilience is there is a feeling for me, of an underlying "doormat" -sub-context and really it's more about strength and calculation. Most change is difficult but we push our growth and do what we have to as we persevere. Misfortune hits us all, and maybe we need a day to cry and feel all the feelings, but most of us shed our tears and soldier on because we have to.

So while resilience is good, and I'm glad it is said to me as a compliment, I strive for more. I want more growth and evolution. And I'm surely going to use that resilience to get me there! 

Saturday Success: Small Things Are Often Big Wins

I'm going to make a blanket judgement that most of your family Saturdays include chores, obligatory events like sports or parties and then squeezing in some fun recreational event by choice because it's Saturday. Or perhaps a date night! 

So, this Saturday for us was multifaceted success and it's only 6:30 as I type. Why? We successfully got to Horseback Riding lessons, despite a tantrum had an amazing lesson and then did a great separate together thing. Let me elaborate.

This week was rough for my husband and I. You all know those weeks. Where things are functional but not fine. And today was a great example of our ability to overcome. After Horseback Riding lessons I had scheduled myself a first and last massage of 2019. Massage is something I LOVE but rarely indulge. And today was the epitome of TREAT YO SELF. My husband took my dad and daughter to his old restaurant, which while I respect where that restaurant brought us, it's not my personal favorite.

So it was a win, win. Because he got to go to a place that was not my favorite, and I got to go seriously spoil myself with no repercussions. Then we all met at home and he brought me my absolutely favorite sub from a different restaurant but in the same plaza and we all did a few chores before meeting all the friends at the brewery.

The Safety Harbor brewery is one of my favorite social spots because it allows for kids to play outdoors while you socialize and drink local beer. All the best in one spot. So we met with kids and parents and friends alike and had some beer and wine. And then we came home with an impending fire pit situation, glorious leftovers and my husband promising cookies, decent bed times, sleeping in and breakfast. Happy lady over here right now.

After spending time with my visiting dad and also some insanely wonderful friends this week, I felt better and okay with being kinder to myself and maybe more gentle even. I just felt more okay with being vocal about what I wanted, and what I needed and it seemed to be received well.

Don't get me wrong. I like to think of myself as quite a glorious mess, but one worthy of shock and awe, and definitely friendship. Small successes like a seemingly effortless day are huge in my world. Much like my dad giving me a real bathroom door that opens and closes and gives me privacy being the greatest thing about 2019 so far! YES, A DOOR!

I realized that in 2018 I worked so hard on myself. I worked on why I was upset, what made me upset and what was I losing and gaining with all these feelings? How could I better approach a situation? Is it worth the upset and the tears? Does my reaction change anything or would it be better to change my reaction? All of these parallels I wrestled with and inched myself into a better position of peace. 

I try to offer my learned lessons to people struggling when I feel they are ready to hear some of it but often find it not well received. And I was in the presence of the person who inadvertently taught me these lessons in the kindest of ways and just felt overwhelmingly grateful. I'm grateful for my journey. 

This journey, no matter how frustrating or uncomfortable, got me to today's successes of time for myself, time with friends, time with family, fire pits,  favorite leftovers and feverishly posting this blog so I can pig out on cookies. Saturday successes rock! 

Kids Clothes - Hand Me Downs Are Life

I remember over-buying clothes for when she was cute and chunky and I could get away with forcing her into little outfits. But now that she's older, my daughter lives in hand-me-downs. 

Kids stain and ruin everything but that is because they play hard in all of their clothes. I'm fortunate enough to have a friend with 3 older girls and we have been so blessed with hand me downs in general. I almost never buy anything new for my daughter. Also, my mom is a shop-aholic and she buys my daughter all the unnecessary things. Not kidding.

With all the clothes, hand me down and new alike, my daughter still somehow manages to only wear the same 4 or 5 articles of clothing. I used to try and arrange her drawers so she wouldn't wear out anything too specific. She now puts her laundry away though and rifles through there to find her favorites. Lost cause!

When people buy her new stuff, she wears it immediately and repeatedly, but lately I have to remind her to "wear the new." Her pants hilariously always have the butts of them rub off in pattern or worn down the most. All that time on the slide, climbing and being crazy.

I had an old friend who had a baby a couple years after me and I offered to give her a bunch of gently used things. Her response? "We just want new stuff, but thanks." To each their own, and everyone loves a baby shower but I was taken aback because baby stuff is expensive! Kids stuff is expensive.

My friend and I always gripe about how expensive kids shoes are. It's ridiculous because they don't even get longevity their feet grow so fast! So we pass down sneakers to her young daughter often because we both believe them to be an obnoxious expense. 

When friends by my daughter clothes, I feel so grateful. A cute shirt, a new dress, they go a long way! My mom still insists on her having Easter outfits and others just like to keep her trendy. 

I honestly don't even know how we'd afford to cloth my daughter without them haha. But I also like telling Luna, "Those are from so and so," "Those used to be so and so's." When she knows she seems to like them even more like she got something so cool that was effortlessly shared.

I try to make sure we pass on the blessings as well, whether it be to Salvation Army or to kids we know personally. Clothing can certainly withstand children and some families are desperately in need. One kid's slightly off color Disney shirt is another kiddo's fancy new Frozen fashion! Everyone deserves a chance at dressing up in whatever way possible.

I myself was blessed with work clothes hand me downs from friends because I rarely buy myself anything new or even have time to shop. My husband gets a lot of shoes and t-shirts from friends. I'm always just grateful. And any old shirts can always be a nightshirt because I live for PJs. 

Being fashionable and trendy costs a lot of money, so I just do what I can, for us all. This year we splurged on matching Christmas shirts, because they were on sale. As for my kiddo? Sometimes we get some My Little Pony and Trolls gear but most people like to send those as gifts. 

I am so grateful for hand me downs, willing to share and will never turn down a nice gesture such as shared fashions. Bring on the shoes, swim suits and cute tops! We are open for accepting such gifts and thankful that we know wonderful people willing to share! My living room is all hand me down furniture. It's like a way of life and I live to be frugal! Feel free to share your favorite hand me downs or how you 

Lessons In Mindfulness: The Struggle Is Real

It has been suggested to me that I benefit from Mindfulness Exercises. You can actually Google and YouTube these. Stopping to be mindful, even with simple meditation is difficult and exhausting. I am just one of those people whose brain is like a hamster on a wheel. It never stops. That's why I obsessively work out at times because I put all my mental energy into the workout and then am so exhausted my brain just stops to let me sleep. 

So the mindfulness thing is quite the challenge. So I found this song: 

When I put this song on, I just immediately start yoga breathing and slowing down my thoughts. Something about the piano and that there are no words. It's just so gorgeous. 

I found this song from one of the last scenes in my newly beloved series, Big Little Lies, and I don't know if it makes me mindful because it ties together all of the trauma of the story line, if I can replay the happenings along with it or because I feel connected with all of the emotions portrayed during the tune's accompaniment to the story. Maybe all of the above but when I'm driving, or first thing in the morning with coffee, or before I go to bed, I can just turn this song on and STOP.

So I've kind of morphed it into a meditation of sorts to just feel. I've recently discovered that I've kept so many of my feelings at bay just, off to the side, swept under the rug that I kind of need to allow myself increments to just "feel the feelings." ALL THE FEELS.I think music has always been that gateway for me.

It's hard to stop and do anything for myself for 5 minutes. I have buyers remorse for a cup of coffee. But I'm working to get to a place where I can carve out this time daily and be okay with it. 

Clearing your mind, or at least clearing my mind is such a difficult achievement. It takes so much, almost like using the force, in my humble opinion. I have found that I can reconfigure myself during this time to be more peaceful and positive, however, which is super important. 

Any music can make me slow down but for whatever reason this one just triggers reflection time, and I love it. I hope you all can enjoy the song but I'd love some feedback on mindfulness from anyone else who has utilized this practice. I should probably just get back into yoga but everything costs money and I'm over here trying to be frugal and financially smart!

Rock on readers and try the mindfulness thing!

One Month In And Tonight I Barely Made It

I'm a month into my year of posting successfully! I'm pretty proud of myself right now, if I may say so. And tonight I really just want to go to bed, but we had a big epic day. So I shall recap for my readers.

This morning was super Saturday filled with Birthday fun. My dad is in town, Luna had horseback riding lessons, her birthday party and a birthday dinner with our closest family. We did it!

Horseback riding was amazing. She did so well, like, you can see all my money going to a fantastic place. She listened so well and earned a cupcake!

She had some down time after with a real lunch and then I did some errands and picked up the my little pony cake. She put on her fancy dress and let down her hair and we were off.

The birthday party was at the bowling alley. Nine children bowling was the most hilarious thing ever. What gorgeous chaos. So wonderful to watch and take in. After pizza and cake we hit the arcade. Then we gave out party favors and came home. 

We brought a little friend home with her to play. This was my best idea ever because she immediately had fun that didn't involve us getting ready for company. It was time to get ready to host dinner. And my husband was making my favorite: tacos.

Whenever we have company he cooks for like 100, never for the number we will actually have. We also are never on time. Whenever I tell someone to come over, I think we'll eat within 30 minutes of arrival. It's almost always over an hour. 

We ate tacos, more cake and we visited with what we consider our Florida family. After this day I feel exhausted and blessed. We had all of our favorite kiddos with their parents there to celebrate the big 6. We had family over to visit and celebrate this growing child of mine.

Now it's crawling towards 10PM and I just want to crawl into my bed. So thank you all for a first wonderful month of my journey. Tomorrow I will have the capacity to enjoy more writing, probably during the Superbowl and after cake and wine, this tired mama will be heading to bed soon. Until tomorrow readers! 

"It's Not Even Worth It To Take Time For Myself" - Another Mom and Me Too

I literally was having an Instagram Messenger conversation with another mom and we were talking about a meme she posted about being too tired to do things and commiserating with one another. I've written about this subject on multiple occasions, but it bears further discussion in my opinion.

I usually feel like, not only is it frowned upon, but it's not even worth it to take time for myself. It has been my personal experience that whenever I indulge in some "Treat Yo Self" time, I come home to something worse than when I left. If I go get a massage, which happens once a year at best, I'll come home to some crazy mess. If I get a manicure or pedicure, hubby gets a migraine and I'm stressed about finishing the cleaning he couldn't. Sometimes I think it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I suck at relaxing in general. I could most likely easily be diagnosed with ADD but I just feel like there is always something I need to be getting done. And I always have a million little projects on the Pinterest board of my mind! So when I get "me time," I either immediately have some weird form of "buyers" remorse or feel like I pay for it in other ways later.

For me, "me time" usually involves a workout because that isn't selfish it's self care, right? But now we see all these other self care methods like, face masks, manicures, pedicures and of course the Parks and Recreation spearheaded movement of "Treat Yo Self" which is just an excuse to buy a bunch of stuff you want for yourself. Man, I wish I could pull that off without feeling so badly about it right after.

In the grander scheme I do genuinely feel like taking time for myself isn't worth it. I don't know what it's like to be bored anymore and any time for just me to indulge in any "me" ways could be much better spent cleaning something or making some kind of progress of some kind. I often fantasize about what I would do with a day off with no plans. My husband immediately taunts me that it could never happen for me so it's an impossible dream. I over-plan and schedule everything.

Sometimes I wonder if there were no alarms and no responsibilities or obligations for a whole weekend, just how long I could sleep. And I think as moms we are tired because we constantly fear it's not worth taking time for ourselves, so we just keep running and running. We stay up late to watch too much TV, to eat what sugar and treats our kids can't have, and to do things without interruption. We get up early to beat the kids to stuff so we can get a head start on productivity. And we constantly rearrange everything to make sure everyone and everything else comes before we do. 

It can feel insanely thankless at times. You think of all these things you do and then people ask, "How do you do it all?" And the answer is you don't. We are our worst critics and we always feel we fall short. For instance, I have a clean house, a good job, and we finally have affordable health, dental and vision insurance and aren't up to our ears in debt. But I'm not involved in Luna's school like at all, and also, her one extra-curricular activity is on Saturday mornings and that's it. 

So again, it's not even worth taking any more time for myself than the gym because we have so much else going on. We do socially childless things maybe twice a month and I even try to keep us home as much as possible for chill and reboot time. 

I will admit during a crappy personal time I went through a selfish phase and was out too much and just on my own agenda and everything in my home life suffered, and I did too. But still, it pains me that most mothers feel this way. They feel like taking time for themselves just makes everything else worse and if they do they really won't be able to keep up or make up for it. I think the worst part of those feelings is, they are partially true.

We will never gain the lost time back. If we take a night to binge-watch Netflix and miss a sporting tournament or activity, we never get it back and we miss kid moments. If we don't wake up at 5AM and workout, we never get that workout back. In some senses, the whole "there's always tomorrow" thing is a bunch of crap that we can't even afford to buy into because, tomorrow will open a whole new kind of busy!

There will be more chores tomorrow, more mess, more dishes and more stress when we could just do it today. My husband gives me such a hard time about not leaving things until the morning. I always say I can sleep better just knowing it's done, which is true. I hate dreading a chore or list of things to get done, when I could have made some progress or done what I could the night before. It's a "blurse," a blessing and a curse.

My thoughts are this: let's strive to find even 5 minutes to ourselves for anything. Five minutes alone with a cup of coffee, a book, a couple songs or a walk! We can build from there and maybe learn how to give ourselves a little more time, and then feel it's worth it! Moms feel plenty of "unworthyness" feelings from all over, but some time for ourselves is not only okay but, we DESERVE IT. 

I won't wax on about it being "necessary," but I will speak from experience that it is helpful. A few minutes that are my own can completely turn around my mood and in turn, my entire day. So figure out ways to "Treat Yo Self," for just you, and no one else. Mine is a cup of fancy coffee on my way to work from my favorite coffee shop and then walking the dog alone a couple times a week. Feel free to post yours and share your self care methods. I want to know you're taking time for yourself because you're worth it. It's worth it. We are all worth it! Make that your mantra!