After returning from vacation last night, staying up too late unpacking, unwinding and trying to wrap my head around re-entering routines and reality, I am now settling back and figuring out a decent pace with which to do so and can sit down and write.
Part of me assumed I'd have so many blog post ideas I'd have to figure out which one first, but really, my car ride into work left me feeling wobbly and tired. So here I am grasping at my bearings.
This trip was a learning experience. I could say they all are, but not so much. I mean I've learned how to pack, I've learned how to stress less but the phases of childhood, adulthood and marriage, are all learning experiences anyway, so throw in a trip and it's like free tuition.
My daughter's practice of picky kid eating was brutal and because I had to plan so delicately for that, not only could I barely practice my mindful eating, but I really couldn't report if I over-ate at all. I had no mindset for it. And if I was hungry and there wasn't food, oh well. I know I drank too much Starbucks, but that is all. I barely snacked and when the opportunity for a real meal came up, I indulged because, hello, vacation.
I learned that being "tough," directive and correct about things doesn't make you any friends. I learned that in the right company you can have your needs met with no argument, but instead with open arms, understanding and gratitude. I learned that family is just family, no matter what.
I think this trip was a complete lesson in practicing what you preach, picking your battles and just taking what you can from what's in front of you. There was rain, sun, tears, smiles, and a lot of compromises. I actually had only one meltdown on vacation and then about an hour into being back home I lost it and screamed aloud in the kitchen.
Some of my favorite parts of our trip were at our most volatile moments in fact. On our flight north, my daughter was completely irate that I had mixed up the terminals and there was no Chik-Fil-A only PDQ and she lost it. I calmly salvaged everything and settled for a Lunch-able, a can of Pringles and Chocolate Milk for dinner. The following morning she ate her weight in sausage at the continental breakfast. She was upset and we were walking around the terminal looking for food. I was talking her down. I kept saying 'The getting there is the worst part and you're allowed to feel all the frustration but we can make it work."
I saw an older motherly-type smile compassionately at me even though my daughter was audibly hating me. When we boarded our flight I said "Okay, please be aware of other people and not to bonk into them and you may pick our seats." The same woman we passed was front and center on our flight, already boarded and she said kindly, "You're doing good mom," to me. That was a great moment for me. I liked kindness and support.
My daughter did well until we were awaiting the shuttle at the hotel. She just lost it and I let her sit on the luggage. There was a sweet flight attendant watching my daughter's meltdown, amused at the display and she said, "You know, I was with my 4 year old at Wal-Mart late one night, getting close to bed time. She was talking back and the cashier said, 'I don't know why kids think they can be bratty just when they're tired.' I about smacked that cashier like, 'She's 4! She's tired! And she's my kid! Kids gotta be kids!'" When I finally loaded her into the shuttle that woman said, "You're doing good mom! You got this!"
Those two moments were just the little pick me up I needed to get me through. There were times when my daughter was just straight mean to me, and miserable because of whatever reason. And I just had to get her to a calm space and rationalize. There were a few times I grabbed her arm in a public place and said "ENOUGH!" More often I just let it slide, why? Because she's a human kid completely out of her normal routine. I weighed the importance of "disciplining" her and just letting her be a bit of a kid, which seemingly only bothered my husband.
I think travelling is just stressful and hard, so making it any worse by being "at" each other doesn't serve much of a purpose in my opinion. I think my daughter did phenomenally well in retrospect but there were times when I wanted to lose it on her, for sure. What mom doesn't have those moments daily and especially in high stress situations.
I've become pretty rational with her lately. I've started saying "Okay here is your issue, here are the options, what choice are you making?" I've coddled her and done what I could to pacify in a few situations but I've also made her toughen up a bit.
Yesterday she was very itchy from some bug bites. We had plenty of cortizone cream. We changed shoes. We tried with and without socks. By the end of the day she was just completely done. She slept so hard on the plane and woke up enraged and ready to get home. When we were in the airport I saw some of the dirty looks from people thinking I was this mom letting her child be "neglected" or "whiny." She wasn't bleeding, she was uncomfortable, it happens. Then I had a guy on the escalator smile after my daughter let out a huge whiny exclaim and he said, "We all feel the way she does, we just aren't letting it out like her!"
At the baggage claim another mom said, "I've had those days. I have a 7 year old and 4 year old. Their dad has been with them all of 4 hours and cannot wait for me to get home. You're doing good." Then an older gentlemen said "They grow up to be better," showed me a picture of his redheaded granddaughter and proudly reported her starting college. Even our ride home was okay with her yelling at me the whole way home.
Yelling at her about any of it, wouldn't have solved the situation and the same went for the entire trip. My biggest meltdown was mostly quiet and born out of the feeling that no one was grateful for where we were, where we had been and what we were able to see. I felt like up to that point I had compromised my ass off, was being "told how things would go," and I just wasn't having it.
My meltdown at home was born out of a lot of the same things but for different reasons. I didn't have expectations that my home would be pristine and waiting for me, but I hadn't anticipated or felt it deserved to have extra work in my way of settling back in. The first day back after vacation is always rough because you've had all this time away adventuring and then you're slammed back into routines and schedules, I always just hope that there are things in place to lessen the blow of the transition, rather than amplify. Then again, to practice what I preach boy did I have my low expectations train arrive at a grinding halt at the station!
This trip showed me infinite gratefulness. I felt so well taken care of by the people I love the most. I felt like we were appreciated for taking the time to be around everyone and in more ways than one. I felt so lucky and blessed to have been a part of everything. I felt calm, loved and at ease which I can honestly say hasn't always been the case on trips of the past.
I opened my eyes to a lot through this experience, especially in reference to my daughter and husband. I'm a little tired. I'm a little stressed to get back into things, but I know I'll be okay and things will even out after some time re-adjusting. For now, send coffee and hugs and I'll be getting back on the blogging track as well. Happy Monday!
Showing posts with label maternal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label maternal. Show all posts
Monday, August 12, 2019
Sunday, March 10, 2019
Mindful Mothering
I envision that the tales of my childhood will someday be book-worthy. If I could ever write the full scope, it could be a best seller. But for now, with only the blog and short bursts of writing time, we'll condense it by topic.
Last year when planning my daughter's 5th birthday, my mother reminded me that it was about that time in my childhood, when she checked out mentally and retired from motherhood. I like to refer to it as "when the shit got real." For my daughter and I, as soon as VPK and Kindergarten hit, it's a whole new realm of mothering and for some, or maybe just me, it was uncomfortable at first, even unfriendly.
My mom mentally left the idea of being a mom when I was 5 and physically left when I was about 12. The timeline can get fuzzy unless you have my mom and I start reminiscing and then it's a fight for who remembers what better, and the "right way."
Through the worst few years of my personal life, I successfully "checked out" mentally for just under 6 months. And I was still her mom, I just was a super selfish one. When I couldn't keep up with life and wasn't even getting what I thought the results should be out of my "selfish phase," I had a heart to heart with myself and quit being so ridiculous and started to deal and then heal. Okay the real story also involves being "scared straight" to a degree, but again, I have a book to write people. I have to keep some mystery.
For whatever reason, at a young age I realized rather quickly that my mom was not like other moms. In fact I used to call her Cindy and not mom because "Everyone else calls her Cindy, why wouldn't I?," I said. I used to say about the moms that cooked, sewed and did hair and nails they were "Like, real moms."
My mom never cooked. My mom bought clothes, she didn't sew them, but my dad did. My mom never let me wear make-up. She took me to get fancy hair cuts and told me she'd kill me if I ever colored or permed my hair. I never had my nails done. She hated nail polish and my dad hated that it stained everything.
I don't remember my mom taking me to do anything with her, just driving me to and from appointments and play dates, and buying me stuff. This isn't to say she never spent time with me, but nothing sticks out as what my daughter would call "quality time"
Recently I discovered that living with my mom had some weird affects on me. She spent a year with us after the car accident and I reverted to the same behavior I used the year of high school I lived with her. It was rough on us both, but, we made it through relatively unscathed.
If you ask her now, she says I took advantage of her living with us. She's not wrong, there was a degree of that, but she also will never know the full story of everything else going on with my personal and family life, even as we were under the same roof. And in my hour of need, when I put myself out there saying, "Mom, I might really need your help," she said no.
Generally, I admit I feel like a "bad mom," whether it's working too much, or not enough, yelling too much, not engaging enough or just not being involved more. There are a lot of expectations for moms, way more than when my mom was raising me I feel. And the fact that I'm only 6 years in and have failed at some things a time or two, ugh, I hate that so much and I've worked on getting my ass in gear.
Some of the people closest to me remind me that I'm a good mom, which usually makes me ugly cry, but "Momming ain't easy." Some days are much better than others. Last night my daughter and I had some serious quality time, and the past two weeks for us have been so much better in general, that I feel like I'm turning a corner and working on being that "good mom" that others seem to see in there.
I've decided that this newfound mothering mentality comes from my mindfulness stuff. Or should I say that mindfulness just spans every aspect of my mentality now, including motherhood. I had my "ah-ha moment" last night.
I finally got my kid to understand the power of Netflix and Chill, in the complete and literate sense that sometimes it's okay to binge-watch My Little Pony or hours of Disney movies after a long week of school, aftercare, girl scouts, horseback riding lessons and play dates. You're allowed to be a kid. So yesterday we had horseback riding and then she had a play date and then I said, okay...we're going to go pick out a movie for you to watch on Red Box, then we'll do nails and face masks in between and have popcorn and treats but we just get to chill!
She was super on board and loved every minute:
It was a simple thing for a Saturday when my husband was working and we were just having a girls night, but it felt so awesome. And my mom never did that kind of stuff with me.
I thought I had always been mindful about being a mom, but I realized with as bad as things have been, I inadvertently end up snapping at her, being cranky and unfair or just only being half there. Last night I was all in and I noticed the difference in how it radiated through. She's listened better today. She's allowed me to have my space but asked for help when she needed it and asked me to be around for when she wanted me around.
Being a mother is exhausting, rewarding, defeating, and amazing. You can get everything and nothing out of it all at the same time. It's thankless but oddly gratifying. It can tear you apart and heal your whole world all within the span of 10 minutes. It's the best rollercoaster you'll ever board.
I think that we all do our best when we're living under our version of better circumstances, but we're only human. Sometimes we break down and just can't handle this crazy thing called life. That's okay. I've been broken and beaten and put myself back together, or at least tried. My fundamental truth in it all is I have this little person to raise, no matter what. It doesn't matter what happens at work, with my husband, with my bills and finances, or with friends, I am her mother and she's my daughter. We are ride or die, Luna and I. I didn't mean for that rhyme or sound ridiculous but it is the truth.
As I've taken better care of myself these past few weeks, I've cared for her infinitely better. We've been kinder and more patient. We've been sweeter and less sassy with each other. We've made better agreements and had more meaningful conversations and moments as mother and daughter.
This mindfulness stuff is so hard, but I've found it's also totally worth it. As bad as it may sound, I won't be my mom. I had a taste of the "check out" plan and I don't want to order that from the menu ever again. I like being the one here when the fever breaks and nightmares happen. I like being the one she tells her secrets to and then gets mad at for annoying her. I like being the person she snuggles up on. Before long she won't want me around as much anyway. When I was 15, I was mother free, and when we tried to live together it was worse than a bad Lifetime movie.
My mom missed all the mom moments that I won't. The first bra, the first kiss, the first homecoming, prom, the shopping for the dresses and shoes, the boyfriends, the dates and everything. I had aunts and moms of friends and my dad. I was really good at making work what I had available but missed having any kind of mom when I needed it most. I won't give Luna the chance to miss me, even if it means smothering her, which she will hate and I will gladly do so.
I'm a work in progress, but a mindful mother I will continue to grow into. I may not be able to volunteer for the school events and be cookie chair, but I'll be there for the first period, the sex talk, the girl fights, the boy fights, the dating, the outfits, the hair and especially the face masks, nail painting and sewing. I don't cook either but I can make a mean sandwich and salad, and I'm great with BOGO shopping. She'll do okay.
And with all this mindful mothering, I can be one more cliche of, "Be the person you needed when you were a kid," for her; whether she likes it or not.
Last year when planning my daughter's 5th birthday, my mother reminded me that it was about that time in my childhood, when she checked out mentally and retired from motherhood. I like to refer to it as "when the shit got real." For my daughter and I, as soon as VPK and Kindergarten hit, it's a whole new realm of mothering and for some, or maybe just me, it was uncomfortable at first, even unfriendly.
My mom mentally left the idea of being a mom when I was 5 and physically left when I was about 12. The timeline can get fuzzy unless you have my mom and I start reminiscing and then it's a fight for who remembers what better, and the "right way."
Through the worst few years of my personal life, I successfully "checked out" mentally for just under 6 months. And I was still her mom, I just was a super selfish one. When I couldn't keep up with life and wasn't even getting what I thought the results should be out of my "selfish phase," I had a heart to heart with myself and quit being so ridiculous and started to deal and then heal. Okay the real story also involves being "scared straight" to a degree, but again, I have a book to write people. I have to keep some mystery.
For whatever reason, at a young age I realized rather quickly that my mom was not like other moms. In fact I used to call her Cindy and not mom because "Everyone else calls her Cindy, why wouldn't I?," I said. I used to say about the moms that cooked, sewed and did hair and nails they were "Like, real moms."
My mom never cooked. My mom bought clothes, she didn't sew them, but my dad did. My mom never let me wear make-up. She took me to get fancy hair cuts and told me she'd kill me if I ever colored or permed my hair. I never had my nails done. She hated nail polish and my dad hated that it stained everything.
I don't remember my mom taking me to do anything with her, just driving me to and from appointments and play dates, and buying me stuff. This isn't to say she never spent time with me, but nothing sticks out as what my daughter would call "quality time"
Recently I discovered that living with my mom had some weird affects on me. She spent a year with us after the car accident and I reverted to the same behavior I used the year of high school I lived with her. It was rough on us both, but, we made it through relatively unscathed.
If you ask her now, she says I took advantage of her living with us. She's not wrong, there was a degree of that, but she also will never know the full story of everything else going on with my personal and family life, even as we were under the same roof. And in my hour of need, when I put myself out there saying, "Mom, I might really need your help," she said no.
Generally, I admit I feel like a "bad mom," whether it's working too much, or not enough, yelling too much, not engaging enough or just not being involved more. There are a lot of expectations for moms, way more than when my mom was raising me I feel. And the fact that I'm only 6 years in and have failed at some things a time or two, ugh, I hate that so much and I've worked on getting my ass in gear.
Some of the people closest to me remind me that I'm a good mom, which usually makes me ugly cry, but "Momming ain't easy." Some days are much better than others. Last night my daughter and I had some serious quality time, and the past two weeks for us have been so much better in general, that I feel like I'm turning a corner and working on being that "good mom" that others seem to see in there.
I've decided that this newfound mothering mentality comes from my mindfulness stuff. Or should I say that mindfulness just spans every aspect of my mentality now, including motherhood. I had my "ah-ha moment" last night.
I finally got my kid to understand the power of Netflix and Chill, in the complete and literate sense that sometimes it's okay to binge-watch My Little Pony or hours of Disney movies after a long week of school, aftercare, girl scouts, horseback riding lessons and play dates. You're allowed to be a kid. So yesterday we had horseback riding and then she had a play date and then I said, okay...we're going to go pick out a movie for you to watch on Red Box, then we'll do nails and face masks in between and have popcorn and treats but we just get to chill!
She was super on board and loved every minute:
It was a simple thing for a Saturday when my husband was working and we were just having a girls night, but it felt so awesome. And my mom never did that kind of stuff with me.
I thought I had always been mindful about being a mom, but I realized with as bad as things have been, I inadvertently end up snapping at her, being cranky and unfair or just only being half there. Last night I was all in and I noticed the difference in how it radiated through. She's listened better today. She's allowed me to have my space but asked for help when she needed it and asked me to be around for when she wanted me around.
Being a mother is exhausting, rewarding, defeating, and amazing. You can get everything and nothing out of it all at the same time. It's thankless but oddly gratifying. It can tear you apart and heal your whole world all within the span of 10 minutes. It's the best rollercoaster you'll ever board.
I think that we all do our best when we're living under our version of better circumstances, but we're only human. Sometimes we break down and just can't handle this crazy thing called life. That's okay. I've been broken and beaten and put myself back together, or at least tried. My fundamental truth in it all is I have this little person to raise, no matter what. It doesn't matter what happens at work, with my husband, with my bills and finances, or with friends, I am her mother and she's my daughter. We are ride or die, Luna and I. I didn't mean for that rhyme or sound ridiculous but it is the truth.
As I've taken better care of myself these past few weeks, I've cared for her infinitely better. We've been kinder and more patient. We've been sweeter and less sassy with each other. We've made better agreements and had more meaningful conversations and moments as mother and daughter.
This mindfulness stuff is so hard, but I've found it's also totally worth it. As bad as it may sound, I won't be my mom. I had a taste of the "check out" plan and I don't want to order that from the menu ever again. I like being the one here when the fever breaks and nightmares happen. I like being the one she tells her secrets to and then gets mad at for annoying her. I like being the person she snuggles up on. Before long she won't want me around as much anyway. When I was 15, I was mother free, and when we tried to live together it was worse than a bad Lifetime movie.
My mom missed all the mom moments that I won't. The first bra, the first kiss, the first homecoming, prom, the shopping for the dresses and shoes, the boyfriends, the dates and everything. I had aunts and moms of friends and my dad. I was really good at making work what I had available but missed having any kind of mom when I needed it most. I won't give Luna the chance to miss me, even if it means smothering her, which she will hate and I will gladly do so.
I'm a work in progress, but a mindful mother I will continue to grow into. I may not be able to volunteer for the school events and be cookie chair, but I'll be there for the first period, the sex talk, the girl fights, the boy fights, the dating, the outfits, the hair and especially the face masks, nail painting and sewing. I don't cook either but I can make a mean sandwich and salad, and I'm great with BOGO shopping. She'll do okay.
And with all this mindful mothering, I can be one more cliche of, "Be the person you needed when you were a kid," for her; whether she likes it or not.
Friday, March 8, 2019
Really Big Questions Before Coffee
I spent the first four years of my daughter's life doing everything for her in the morning. I would try to get up earlier than her to sneak some quiet. Until you have a child, you do not appreciate silence. And silence, in my humble opinion, is at it's best while sipping coffee.
I leave really early for work so morning time with my daughter is sporadic. Sometimes she is snoozing with dad and the pug and I'm the last wake up call before I pop out of the house. Sometimes she comes into the bathroom to supervise the get ready process and talk at me. My daughter doesn't stop talking from the time she wakes up, until the time she goes to bed. Laugh all you want, this isn't an exaggeration.
This morning was a pop-into the bathroom morning and she was ready to talk about everything. Unfortunately, I inadvertently left the best question right in front of her.
Not to be oversharing but after months of deliberation I just switched from Tampax to the Lunette Cup, and all I can say is it's a huge game changer, and I recommend it for anyone. I come from an environment of period-shamers and the cup has had some pretty awesome results in terms of my comfort and confidence in that arena.
I had just cleaned it this morning and left it out to dry when my daughter walked in. "Mommy, what is that?" She pointed directly at the cup. Oh man, do I have to give an anatomy lesson at 6:45? I haven't even started to boil the water for my COFFEE!
I gave her a small explanation for it's purpose and about my period but told her we could certainly talk more about it as she got older. Then came another big question: "Mommy, like how did I grow up and get so big like, how does that all happen?" Oh my gosh do I have to explain babies now? I haven't had toast or anything!
Again, a mild and dialed down version was given to her about everything and then it was: "Can I have make-up? What's that called? Why do you have two different brushes? Which one goes on your eyes? Will you wear pink today? Can you make me breakfast before you go? Can I wear my shirt from Sophia today? Can you help me find it? Did you know I didn't even hear you go to Boot Camp? I was still asleep! Was Daddy snoring a lot?"
I don't even think I can type as fast as she hurls the questions in my direction. There are so many wonderful things that come out of these conversations, but they are also exhausting. Because of life circumstances my daughter is just that kid that needs to know the plan. And mom is the planner. And when things don't go accordingly to plan, it can get upsetting so I've paid close attention to helping her navigate her feelings around all those things.
She knows the 1st Friday in August we're planning on a vacation to see PA and NY family. She knows every Saturday at the same time we have horseback riding lessons and every so often, she can switch that Saturday lesson for a different event. She needs to know how her day will look. Who is she playing with? Who is putting her to bed? Is it a normal bed time or flexible?
She is all questions and Mom is all answers. Some of the huge questions, I'm like "Uh, we'll find a video or book to better explain that." Once she asked me how did "dinosaurs get extinct?" That's a complicated question and even Land Before Time didn't really tell us everything and Jurassic Park would just scare her so, yeah. That's a long conversation, not a quick and simple answer.
We talk a lot about boobs and bodies and make-up. We talk about clothes, and ponies and friend problems. I try to steer her in the right direction with her questions but also not let her be too gossipy or dramatic, just the right amount of those. There's also a part of me that wants to enjoy that she's even asking me anything and wants to hear what I have to say.
I'm not that mom that's afraid to talk about vaginas and anatomy and how things work. I make sure she knows the right words for body parts and bodily functions and such. My child's vocabulary has always been vast and impressive, so I tell her what everything means. To my embarrassment, yes, mine is the child at the store that will announce, "Mom my vagina is really itchy!" She also likes to tell people she's "as tall as mom's boobs!"
But, again, I'd rather her have the answers to the questions, even if the answers aren't so awesome. Recently she came home talking to me about some boy telling her about Chucky, yes the doll that kills people. He told her about Chucky coming to get her and kill her dog and knives and such. I shut that down quick. I told her, Chucky is fake. He's pretend. He's a fake character with special effects made to scare people in movies and he won't hurt her. I wish I could yell at that kid. Six year old children have no need to know about CHUCKY!
The big questions before my coffee always come from curiosity, which I love and encourage just how much she wants to know about everything. It's hard to not squash that with an "I don't know, I don't care, or just be quiet," when life gets tough and I've tuned into the fact that I may have been doing that, even unconsciously. I've had many discussions with the husband about how, as a little girl, it's so important that she feels like she can be heard and say what she wants to say, even if it seems like nonsense to us.
Weekday mornings I'm always in "a hurry," and I remind her often to please not be "in my way," but this morning I made some time for her really big questions. Sometimes they need to be "continued" at a different time when mommy can function better. But most often, even as they seem annoying when I'm not at my best mom moments, I'd rather have her ask me everything than not talk to me at all.
She's still my baby and is learning and absorbing EVERYTHING. There is plenty of time for her to keep things from me and give me the silent treatment when I piss her off. For now I really want to talk about the make-up brushes, my period, My Little Pony and extinct dinosaurs, even if it's before coffee.
I leave really early for work so morning time with my daughter is sporadic. Sometimes she is snoozing with dad and the pug and I'm the last wake up call before I pop out of the house. Sometimes she comes into the bathroom to supervise the get ready process and talk at me. My daughter doesn't stop talking from the time she wakes up, until the time she goes to bed. Laugh all you want, this isn't an exaggeration.
This morning was a pop-into the bathroom morning and she was ready to talk about everything. Unfortunately, I inadvertently left the best question right in front of her.
Not to be oversharing but after months of deliberation I just switched from Tampax to the Lunette Cup, and all I can say is it's a huge game changer, and I recommend it for anyone. I come from an environment of period-shamers and the cup has had some pretty awesome results in terms of my comfort and confidence in that arena.
I had just cleaned it this morning and left it out to dry when my daughter walked in. "Mommy, what is that?" She pointed directly at the cup. Oh man, do I have to give an anatomy lesson at 6:45? I haven't even started to boil the water for my COFFEE!
I gave her a small explanation for it's purpose and about my period but told her we could certainly talk more about it as she got older. Then came another big question: "Mommy, like how did I grow up and get so big like, how does that all happen?" Oh my gosh do I have to explain babies now? I haven't had toast or anything!
Again, a mild and dialed down version was given to her about everything and then it was: "Can I have make-up? What's that called? Why do you have two different brushes? Which one goes on your eyes? Will you wear pink today? Can you make me breakfast before you go? Can I wear my shirt from Sophia today? Can you help me find it? Did you know I didn't even hear you go to Boot Camp? I was still asleep! Was Daddy snoring a lot?"
I don't even think I can type as fast as she hurls the questions in my direction. There are so many wonderful things that come out of these conversations, but they are also exhausting. Because of life circumstances my daughter is just that kid that needs to know the plan. And mom is the planner. And when things don't go accordingly to plan, it can get upsetting so I've paid close attention to helping her navigate her feelings around all those things.
She knows the 1st Friday in August we're planning on a vacation to see PA and NY family. She knows every Saturday at the same time we have horseback riding lessons and every so often, she can switch that Saturday lesson for a different event. She needs to know how her day will look. Who is she playing with? Who is putting her to bed? Is it a normal bed time or flexible?
She is all questions and Mom is all answers. Some of the huge questions, I'm like "Uh, we'll find a video or book to better explain that." Once she asked me how did "dinosaurs get extinct?" That's a complicated question and even Land Before Time didn't really tell us everything and Jurassic Park would just scare her so, yeah. That's a long conversation, not a quick and simple answer.
We talk a lot about boobs and bodies and make-up. We talk about clothes, and ponies and friend problems. I try to steer her in the right direction with her questions but also not let her be too gossipy or dramatic, just the right amount of those. There's also a part of me that wants to enjoy that she's even asking me anything and wants to hear what I have to say.
I'm not that mom that's afraid to talk about vaginas and anatomy and how things work. I make sure she knows the right words for body parts and bodily functions and such. My child's vocabulary has always been vast and impressive, so I tell her what everything means. To my embarrassment, yes, mine is the child at the store that will announce, "Mom my vagina is really itchy!" She also likes to tell people she's "as tall as mom's boobs!"
But, again, I'd rather her have the answers to the questions, even if the answers aren't so awesome. Recently she came home talking to me about some boy telling her about Chucky, yes the doll that kills people. He told her about Chucky coming to get her and kill her dog and knives and such. I shut that down quick. I told her, Chucky is fake. He's pretend. He's a fake character with special effects made to scare people in movies and he won't hurt her. I wish I could yell at that kid. Six year old children have no need to know about CHUCKY!
The big questions before my coffee always come from curiosity, which I love and encourage just how much she wants to know about everything. It's hard to not squash that with an "I don't know, I don't care, or just be quiet," when life gets tough and I've tuned into the fact that I may have been doing that, even unconsciously. I've had many discussions with the husband about how, as a little girl, it's so important that she feels like she can be heard and say what she wants to say, even if it seems like nonsense to us.
Weekday mornings I'm always in "a hurry," and I remind her often to please not be "in my way," but this morning I made some time for her really big questions. Sometimes they need to be "continued" at a different time when mommy can function better. But most often, even as they seem annoying when I'm not at my best mom moments, I'd rather have her ask me everything than not talk to me at all.
She's still my baby and is learning and absorbing EVERYTHING. There is plenty of time for her to keep things from me and give me the silent treatment when I piss her off. For now I really want to talk about the make-up brushes, my period, My Little Pony and extinct dinosaurs, even if it's before coffee.
Wednesday, February 6, 2019
Kids Clothes - Hand Me Downs Are Life
I remember over-buying clothes for when she was cute and chunky and I could get away with forcing her into little outfits. But now that she's older, my daughter lives in hand-me-downs.
Kids stain and ruin everything but that is because they play hard in all of their clothes. I'm fortunate enough to have a friend with 3 older girls and we have been so blessed with hand me downs in general. I almost never buy anything new for my daughter. Also, my mom is a shop-aholic and she buys my daughter all the unnecessary things. Not kidding.
With all the clothes, hand me down and new alike, my daughter still somehow manages to only wear the same 4 or 5 articles of clothing. I used to try and arrange her drawers so she wouldn't wear out anything too specific. She now puts her laundry away though and rifles through there to find her favorites. Lost cause!
When people buy her new stuff, she wears it immediately and repeatedly, but lately I have to remind her to "wear the new." Her pants hilariously always have the butts of them rub off in pattern or worn down the most. All that time on the slide, climbing and being crazy.
I had an old friend who had a baby a couple years after me and I offered to give her a bunch of gently used things. Her response? "We just want new stuff, but thanks." To each their own, and everyone loves a baby shower but I was taken aback because baby stuff is expensive! Kids stuff is expensive.
My friend and I always gripe about how expensive kids shoes are. It's ridiculous because they don't even get longevity their feet grow so fast! So we pass down sneakers to her young daughter often because we both believe them to be an obnoxious expense.
When friends by my daughter clothes, I feel so grateful. A cute shirt, a new dress, they go a long way! My mom still insists on her having Easter outfits and others just like to keep her trendy.
I honestly don't even know how we'd afford to cloth my daughter without them haha. But I also like telling Luna, "Those are from so and so," "Those used to be so and so's." When she knows she seems to like them even more like she got something so cool that was effortlessly shared.
I try to make sure we pass on the blessings as well, whether it be to Salvation Army or to kids we know personally. Clothing can certainly withstand children and some families are desperately in need. One kid's slightly off color Disney shirt is another kiddo's fancy new Frozen fashion! Everyone deserves a chance at dressing up in whatever way possible.
I myself was blessed with work clothes hand me downs from friends because I rarely buy myself anything new or even have time to shop. My husband gets a lot of shoes and t-shirts from friends. I'm always just grateful. And any old shirts can always be a nightshirt because I live for PJs.
Being fashionable and trendy costs a lot of money, so I just do what I can, for us all. This year we splurged on matching Christmas shirts, because they were on sale. As for my kiddo? Sometimes we get some My Little Pony and Trolls gear but most people like to send those as gifts.
I am so grateful for hand me downs, willing to share and will never turn down a nice gesture such as shared fashions. Bring on the shoes, swim suits and cute tops! We are open for accepting such gifts and thankful that we know wonderful people willing to share! My living room is all hand me down furniture. It's like a way of life and I live to be frugal! Feel free to share your favorite hand me downs or how you
Kids stain and ruin everything but that is because they play hard in all of their clothes. I'm fortunate enough to have a friend with 3 older girls and we have been so blessed with hand me downs in general. I almost never buy anything new for my daughter. Also, my mom is a shop-aholic and she buys my daughter all the unnecessary things. Not kidding.
With all the clothes, hand me down and new alike, my daughter still somehow manages to only wear the same 4 or 5 articles of clothing. I used to try and arrange her drawers so she wouldn't wear out anything too specific. She now puts her laundry away though and rifles through there to find her favorites. Lost cause!
When people buy her new stuff, she wears it immediately and repeatedly, but lately I have to remind her to "wear the new." Her pants hilariously always have the butts of them rub off in pattern or worn down the most. All that time on the slide, climbing and being crazy.
I had an old friend who had a baby a couple years after me and I offered to give her a bunch of gently used things. Her response? "We just want new stuff, but thanks." To each their own, and everyone loves a baby shower but I was taken aback because baby stuff is expensive! Kids stuff is expensive.
My friend and I always gripe about how expensive kids shoes are. It's ridiculous because they don't even get longevity their feet grow so fast! So we pass down sneakers to her young daughter often because we both believe them to be an obnoxious expense.
When friends by my daughter clothes, I feel so grateful. A cute shirt, a new dress, they go a long way! My mom still insists on her having Easter outfits and others just like to keep her trendy.
I honestly don't even know how we'd afford to cloth my daughter without them haha. But I also like telling Luna, "Those are from so and so," "Those used to be so and so's." When she knows she seems to like them even more like she got something so cool that was effortlessly shared.
I try to make sure we pass on the blessings as well, whether it be to Salvation Army or to kids we know personally. Clothing can certainly withstand children and some families are desperately in need. One kid's slightly off color Disney shirt is another kiddo's fancy new Frozen fashion! Everyone deserves a chance at dressing up in whatever way possible.
I myself was blessed with work clothes hand me downs from friends because I rarely buy myself anything new or even have time to shop. My husband gets a lot of shoes and t-shirts from friends. I'm always just grateful. And any old shirts can always be a nightshirt because I live for PJs.
Being fashionable and trendy costs a lot of money, so I just do what I can, for us all. This year we splurged on matching Christmas shirts, because they were on sale. As for my kiddo? Sometimes we get some My Little Pony and Trolls gear but most people like to send those as gifts.
I am so grateful for hand me downs, willing to share and will never turn down a nice gesture such as shared fashions. Bring on the shoes, swim suits and cute tops! We are open for accepting such gifts and thankful that we know wonderful people willing to share! My living room is all hand me down furniture. It's like a way of life and I live to be frugal! Feel free to share your favorite hand me downs or how you
Tuesday, January 15, 2019
Moment to Moment Motherhood, The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
In my house, mornings are rough. Not for me personally, but it seems my dog, my daughter and especially my husband wake up in such grouchy ways more often than not. With my dog, I just feed him and he goes back to bed. Depending on when my daughter attempts to be awake for the day, I send her back to snuggle with the dog and the husband or she wakes up slowly with every light on and whines at me as I scramble for coffee.
My husband is the worst to wake up. I used to think it was a "Not a morning person," thing but now I just know it's some kind of weird dysfunction. We're working through it. I'm up at the same time every day doing some kind of work-out and then getting myself ready for work with lunch packed and attempting to look reasonably put together to leave by 7:20AM. This usually occurs before anyone else is physically out of bed. Sometimes I throw together breakfast for my daughter if she catches me on the move.
This morning we had mostly good moments. My daughter heard me in the shower and came in brightly and said, "Hi mom!" As soon as I started getting ready she wanted to get dressed with me and sat on the toilet by vanity area and mirror to catch mommy time before work. I have a strict "Don't be in the way," rule, not because I'm a strict mom but because I have serious "Mommy brain" and when I try to do everything for her in the midst of getting myself ready, I leave the house without things like mascara or worse, with it only on one eye.
She was listening well though. I was straightening my hair and she was somehow impressed. My hair isn't even curly compared to hers and I reminded her my little flat iron was an iron so it was hot. "Mom can you just do that to a small piece of my ponytail? PLEASE?" I did. "Whoa, it's so warm," she said. Then she wanted to know my step by step make up routine, even though she'd seen it a million times. "What's that? What's it for!? Why?" All of it.
I don't remember my mom wearing anything but blush ever. She wasn't a make up person, as to my knowledge, and still isn't. I missed out on make-up, hair stuff and any girl maintenance with my mother. She was never "maternal" in that way, okay she just wasn't really maternal. She dressed me in overpriced name brands to match and look cool though. Any funny shirt or things plastered with expensive brands on them were mine to keep up appearances.
Because of this, the popular girls used to love to "Make me up." It was all very "Mean Girls" Regina George-Cady Heron drama. I had one friend my junior year in high school who actually showed me how to buy and wear, and I've tweaked everything since then to try and look presentable. Every time my daughter says she wants make-up I say, "You have perfect little skin, you have a beautiful face and nothing to hide. You don't need make-up." One of her favorite parts of Halloween was I let her wear eye shadow. She did not enjoy removing the make-up later.
Back to this morning, she was very interested in it all and I humored her. A little powder here and a little powder there but she wanted the coveted eye shadow. I would never do that on a school day. Maybe a weekend. She has fancy chap stick of her own that my sister got her, but fake make-up and soapy kinds of things give her a rash with that sensitive skin so we use caution. Luckily I don't buy fancy enough make-up to worry about sharing with her so, from time to time we get girly.
The moments this morning were cute, so I slowed down and indulged. Most of my life feels like a rush of "Get here, get this done and fast." So, letting Luna hang with me this morning felt okay, until the tantrum. There is always a tantrum.
She gets easily frustrated with...everything. I totally understand this because so do I. But I have years of learning how to internalize everything under my belt. So she was getting dressed and first was the fit about the pants being so difficult to get on and she needed help. She is almost 6. She doesn't need help. She just wanted my attention. And then it was the end all be all, she could only get on one sock. The other was just impossible!
I laughed a little. Not 5 minutes before it was all cutesy Hallmark moments. It could have been something on a commercial for any bathroom product or even a PSA. And then it was world's end. It can switch so quickly. It's the good moments that keep our head above water though, and that can be easily forgotten.
Motherhood, and parenthood in general, can be ugly, and we often wish to just cover all the blemishes in different forms of make-up. Family life is messy. Okay, LIFE is messy. There's poop, boogers, hair pulling, screaming, crying and tantrums and that's just the parents! Funny right? It's all of us, but especially little kiddos, and as a mom, I'm often the one crying. Sometimes it's a happy cry but still! These are the moments, the good, the gross, the bad, the ugly.
I realize more and more how important those little cuddles are. Those little moments between the angry sock tantrums, being mad I said no, crying about a toy or telling me a story about someone being mean at school and it ruined the whole day just make parenting less heavy feeling. Think about how much we spend and stress on Christmas, but Christmas morning it all disappears when she sees the loot and is so excited that wishes came true! It's the good moments that make up for the bad and ugly ones. Keep them close, and your little ones too!
It's often best, well this is for me at least, to live moment to moment. Big scheme things and the future can get murky, but knowing that you'll carve out 20 minutes to let your daughter read to you? That can get you through all the spreadsheets, sales reports or customer service you might need to for the day. A funny thing she said can make your week. But most of all, these moments are just affirmations you're raising a great human. So keep up the good fight, even in the bad and ugly moments. And maybe keep some make up on hand in case.
My husband is the worst to wake up. I used to think it was a "Not a morning person," thing but now I just know it's some kind of weird dysfunction. We're working through it. I'm up at the same time every day doing some kind of work-out and then getting myself ready for work with lunch packed and attempting to look reasonably put together to leave by 7:20AM. This usually occurs before anyone else is physically out of bed. Sometimes I throw together breakfast for my daughter if she catches me on the move.
This morning we had mostly good moments. My daughter heard me in the shower and came in brightly and said, "Hi mom!" As soon as I started getting ready she wanted to get dressed with me and sat on the toilet by vanity area and mirror to catch mommy time before work. I have a strict "Don't be in the way," rule, not because I'm a strict mom but because I have serious "Mommy brain" and when I try to do everything for her in the midst of getting myself ready, I leave the house without things like mascara or worse, with it only on one eye.
She was listening well though. I was straightening my hair and she was somehow impressed. My hair isn't even curly compared to hers and I reminded her my little flat iron was an iron so it was hot. "Mom can you just do that to a small piece of my ponytail? PLEASE?" I did. "Whoa, it's so warm," she said. Then she wanted to know my step by step make up routine, even though she'd seen it a million times. "What's that? What's it for!? Why?" All of it.
I don't remember my mom wearing anything but blush ever. She wasn't a make up person, as to my knowledge, and still isn't. I missed out on make-up, hair stuff and any girl maintenance with my mother. She was never "maternal" in that way, okay she just wasn't really maternal. She dressed me in overpriced name brands to match and look cool though. Any funny shirt or things plastered with expensive brands on them were mine to keep up appearances.
Because of this, the popular girls used to love to "Make me up." It was all very "Mean Girls" Regina George-Cady Heron drama. I had one friend my junior year in high school who actually showed me how to buy and wear, and I've tweaked everything since then to try and look presentable. Every time my daughter says she wants make-up I say, "You have perfect little skin, you have a beautiful face and nothing to hide. You don't need make-up." One of her favorite parts of Halloween was I let her wear eye shadow. She did not enjoy removing the make-up later.
Back to this morning, she was very interested in it all and I humored her. A little powder here and a little powder there but she wanted the coveted eye shadow. I would never do that on a school day. Maybe a weekend. She has fancy chap stick of her own that my sister got her, but fake make-up and soapy kinds of things give her a rash with that sensitive skin so we use caution. Luckily I don't buy fancy enough make-up to worry about sharing with her so, from time to time we get girly.
The moments this morning were cute, so I slowed down and indulged. Most of my life feels like a rush of "Get here, get this done and fast." So, letting Luna hang with me this morning felt okay, until the tantrum. There is always a tantrum.
She gets easily frustrated with...everything. I totally understand this because so do I. But I have years of learning how to internalize everything under my belt. So she was getting dressed and first was the fit about the pants being so difficult to get on and she needed help. She is almost 6. She doesn't need help. She just wanted my attention. And then it was the end all be all, she could only get on one sock. The other was just impossible!
I laughed a little. Not 5 minutes before it was all cutesy Hallmark moments. It could have been something on a commercial for any bathroom product or even a PSA. And then it was world's end. It can switch so quickly. It's the good moments that keep our head above water though, and that can be easily forgotten.
Motherhood, and parenthood in general, can be ugly, and we often wish to just cover all the blemishes in different forms of make-up. Family life is messy. Okay, LIFE is messy. There's poop, boogers, hair pulling, screaming, crying and tantrums and that's just the parents! Funny right? It's all of us, but especially little kiddos, and as a mom, I'm often the one crying. Sometimes it's a happy cry but still! These are the moments, the good, the gross, the bad, the ugly.
I realize more and more how important those little cuddles are. Those little moments between the angry sock tantrums, being mad I said no, crying about a toy or telling me a story about someone being mean at school and it ruined the whole day just make parenting less heavy feeling. Think about how much we spend and stress on Christmas, but Christmas morning it all disappears when she sees the loot and is so excited that wishes came true! It's the good moments that make up for the bad and ugly ones. Keep them close, and your little ones too!
It's often best, well this is for me at least, to live moment to moment. Big scheme things and the future can get murky, but knowing that you'll carve out 20 minutes to let your daughter read to you? That can get you through all the spreadsheets, sales reports or customer service you might need to for the day. A funny thing she said can make your week. But most of all, these moments are just affirmations you're raising a great human. So keep up the good fight, even in the bad and ugly moments. And maybe keep some make up on hand in case.
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