Cash Conundrum: Fiscal Frenzies

Money can be a more touchy subject than religion or politics, maybe even the two combined. For me, it is an extremely sensitive and very stressful trigger, very much always uncomfortable. I had the "money" issue come up yesterday and it had a strange, strange affect on me.

My dad gave me a credit card lesson at age 18, but other than that no one really taught me about money. I learned everything the hard way, but always had the support of my family in the end. It was after our wedding that I learned just how evil credit cards could be, if used improperly, and that I needed to be much more tenacious in terms of watching payment schedules. It was after having a baby and being rejected on homeowner dreams that I was violently shoved into getting fiscally responsible.

I am extremely uptight about our current budget. Debt is not something that sits well with me. We have taken out two small loans to pay off credit cards and I'm obsessive about payment dates. It drives my husband insane, but it's for the greater good so I stand firm as financially feisty.

I wrote another blog about asking for help from a financial mentor only to be completely let down by the whole experience, leaving with a defeated sense of "screwing" things up or not being apt to do more. But then I thought about how far we've come and just how much I fight daily to keep things together and decided to just take what I could from the experience and let it go. 

I'd like to say we don't, but we live paycheck to paycheck. My husband and I fundamentally see everything having to do with money completely differently. I'm that weirdo that loves a savings account and doesn't see certain things like dentist visits and wellness check ups as a "luxury" but a basic necessity like the internet and phone. However, I won't buy myself new clothes, new sheets, or new towels without serious buyers remorse unless mine are threadbare. To me, those are luxuries.

I'm naive enough to just leave the money issue as unspoken though and to think that, if you don't have the money, you don't go out, but also to be careful who you complain to about certain money things because it can create issues. I like to think that everyone lives within their means, and some people just have bigger means than others.

I struggled with this in motherhood, especially within the rise of social media. Everyone is posting cute new baby outfits and new wraps, carriers and strollers and we just couldn't afford it. Then my single friends were posting pictures of nights out as I'm at home re-watching Glee in a shirt with baby puke on it. I couldn't afford a babysitter, a night out, or new clothes to look decent in. It felt not great.

I once was called out as a hater because I made a quippy comment about how, it's not that other people just get to "have more," but that some people are just more okay being in debt and everyone must just have 50K in debt and not care. I thought I was handling my inner struggle sarcastically well, but was immediately shamed. It took a long time for me to change my perspective and found that around the right people, I was more apt to thrive mentally and financially.

The problem with money is that the people who have always had it, often forget that not everyone does. It's also a matter of the cost of living. My childhood home in Pennsylvania, a 4 story, 4 bedroom, 1 and 1/2 bath Victorian with a huge yard, sold less than a decade ago for just 30k less than what we paid for our 3 bedroom 2 bathroom Safety Harbor home. Location, location, location.

My cousin and his family live in Brooklyn and work in Manhattan and he tells me about the cost of living there and I'm astonished, but then again, I romanticize New York with the best of them. It's all about places and circumstance.

Yesterday, a plan that I had not budgeted for came at me full stop and I was completely taken aback. I had so much to consider and there were no cost options but, I had my family's comfort to think of. It was lightly suggested by someone to just throw some money at it and solve the issue and it just...struck me in the wrong way. Let me tell you, it's never that simple in our lives.

Money is just an uncomfortable subject. I avoid it like the plague because, it can lead to discourse. We've made the mistake of lending to friends and family and never giving back. We've had family lend to us and probably regret it. I've felt taken advantage of by people I would "spot lunch money" to and they never offered to return the favor. Or when you give someone rides home often but they never offer gas money, things get awkward and I hate it! I do! It's such a fine line and delicate tight-rope walk.

I never assume anyone will pay for me to do things and I try my best to appreciate any kind of monetary gift received, it's a huge deal for me. So even if I'd had friends treat me before, I don't make plans with them if I can't afford it and just think "they'll probably just pay for me." That's not how things work.

After a stint in the hospitality biz, I'm very sensitive to tipping. The least I leave is 20% unless the service is completely horrible, because everyone has a bad day, and I guarantee they will get at least one person daily who won't even tip at all. It has been drilled into my mind of, "If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to go out and enjoy that service." And I know some people don't feel that way; to each their own.

I think money stuff is just...difficult, and being kinder to each other's limitations can go a long way. We have close friends that are much more...financially advanced than we are. One time we really wanted to thank them for just, being so kind and including us in things that we saved to pay for an expensive dinner for all four of us and it literally made our friends uncomfortable. They were almost upset at the gesture like, "We have to at least leave the tip! Or pay for drinks!" But for me, it was a gift I wanted to give - these are the kinds of things I work really diligently with, thoughtful gifts that show gratitude and appreciation.

I've had to drill into my husband's head, don't buy me the "stuff," take me to a concert and we'll hang out together. I want an experience. Not things. My mom is the person who needs the "stuff" and pushes all those things on me too. I smile and nod.

There are time when I know to just accept the gifts even if I feel uncomfortable or don't want the gift giver to feel like I'm the one taking advantage, but there are times when I just say, "I'd love to but we can't afford it." That was really hard for me. It's so much easier to just swipe a card and go, but I can't enjoy anything if I'm saddled by debt. For those of you who can, I quote over and over again, Amy Poehler, "Good for them, not for me!"

I'm extremely frugal, some may even call me cheap, but I'm trying to live a little more, still within my means:

At one point when we had Disney passes my family was like "I can't believe you pay for that all the time." And in retrospect it's like, we took 9 mini-vacations in the same year, which is the same cost as one trip home to see you all! At least with Disney it was split into monthly payments, haha!

But, back to the point which is, money stuff is rough and stressful, and cumbersome and it's difficult not to be envious and judgmental these days, especially with social media. No one is posting pictures of eviction notices or late notices on bills, it's all pictures of new iPhones and new cars so it can make you feel inferior. But I think if we can all just remember that we all come from different a spectrum of the cash flow, it can be less of a conundrum or fiscal frenzy.

The moral of the story is, be nice, because you just never know what someone went through to earn what they have, or if someone is struggling just to make ends meet. Pay it forward doesn't always mean monetary things, but we should pay forward more understanding, especially in the financial districts.   

My House Is Forever A Mess, And I Kinda Love It That Way

This is my dining room in it's natural state. And this is our table. We don't eat dinner at the table enough.This table was a gift from over a decade ago, when I moved into my first apartment, and it was from the first family I nanny-ed for in Oregon. My mom hates this table. It's covered in marker, pen, paint, scratches, dents and dog hair at times. But I've raised ALL my children at this table, meaning the ones I nanny-ed for, and now my daughter. And until it falls apart, it's staying.

My daughter does arts and crafts everything and all the time. I haven't figured out a decent way or space to organize the mania, but she is always drawing and creating things. Once a week we clear this table, but during weeknights it pretty much stays like this, and I'm kind of in love with it.

I've never bought furniture from anywhere but an Ashley Furniture outlet (my husband's recliner) and Ikea. Although from time to time I get used pieces from online interactions like Craigslist or Facebook Marketplace. We've been given everything else as a gift, and are so fortunate for that.

I dreamed once of nice things and furniture sets, you know Pottery Barn type illusions, but then I realized how little that actually has to do with making a house into a home. I'm also so busy with motherhood, work and life, that my home time is limited, so rather than obsess about it looking a certain way, I'd rather it be functional and comfy.

My uncle used to have this joke that first apartments and homes are always decorated in the style of "American Poverty," because it's enough to just have a roof over your head, let alone fill it with stuff. I always love being around people who have the eye for decorating and fill their home with pretty and nice things that match, with little accents for their home, but I'm always afraid I'll mess up their house in some way. 

My house is very much "lived in." It's broken in, comfortable and, I hope, welcoming. Its is wonderfully imperfect no matter what. From the weathered grout, which is my serious obsession in superficiality, the non-matching furniture, the crazy colors of bedroom walls and the stuff...everywhere, it's everything that is US.

Maybe it was too many years of my Friends obsession but, much like Phoebe, almost all of my furniture has a story, however simple or small. So we have the dining room table story covered, and the long bench with it was Eben's cousin's. Our couches came from one of my favorite co-workers from a past job who was kind of like my "work mom." We have two recliners, a buffet, a coffee table and a piano from my old boss. He was going to give really good furniture and a PIANO to Goodwill! It just needs to be tuned, hello!

Our queen bed frame is from IKEA and has followed us to 3 houses from it's construction. The construction, my husband teases, was almost a breaking point in our marriage because that thing was so difficult to put together! We keep it now as a guest bed, after it was our daughter's for 2 years and ours for 2 years before that, and we reference it as a joke often.

Our king bed frame was from Facebook MarketPlace and they lived 10 minutes away. I had an old boss help me pick it up, and he was not a fun person to move things with as he didn't understand the difference in my size versus his, and how to move furniture with someone small but mighty. The king mattress and box spring was an amazing gift from one of my favorite people from when we got in the car accident as our mattress at the time was just on the floor in the old house. I cried when I came home from the hospital and saw it, and I miss that friend every single day because she got me through one of the worst times in my life.

My daughter's room is 90% hand me downs. Her toy box was my mom's and then mine. Her kitchen set came from another gorgeous friend I miss daily, her train table from another mom that I went to boot camp with and the dollhouse was mine. Her princess TV is from another mom friend and her daughter. There is some various Ikea furniture that we put together that didn't result in divorce, and her dresser was mine when I was baby and has followed me every place I've ever lived. Her new bunk bed is from Facebook Marketplace; I repainted it and my dad fixed it to the wall and built stairs for the dog to join her atop her full sized loft.

My husband and I have 2 dressers we got from family friends whom we love and appreciate a lot and lastly, we have my mom's old cedar chest filled with my grandmother's things. Oh and a hutch I bought from Luna's swim teacher that I repainted and filled with my grandma's china. That is probably it, I think. Everything has a story, and nothing matches, and I LOVE IT.

This wasn't always so. This has taken me YEARS. I used to love my apartments before we had a kiddo because everything would stay as it was when I was out. When you have a kid suddenly furniture becomes a liability. Or they put crayon on cushions and stain your favorite duvet. But, that's part of parenthood and adulting. 

My mom tries to force on me "matching things" and "newer things," but I like what we have and I don't need to waste money on new stuff just to have something new! My table being a mess means my daughter is creative. Her room in disarray means she was using her imagination. Blankets all over the couch means my dog is comfy. 

Everything I have is coated in sentiment and memories. There are layers of stories and emotions, even life phases that go with it. You can always rearrange to give things a different look or refreshed style, but replacing all the furniture seems really silly to me. We don't entertain much and let's face it, I have very few people to impress in my life. I'm just an anxious, working mom trying to get through each day and enjoy life when I can. If you can't enjoy my mess, don't come over. Take me out for a drink instead!

I spend hours cleaning every weekend. I maintain my house with family help and love all of it because it is ours. I don't care how cluttered, okay I do have a limit, I'll admit, but it's still mine and ours. Every area is part of home. I haven't had a place like that since I was 15 so I'm digging my heels in and enjoying the space, no matter how messy it can get, it's mine, it's my daughter's, my dog's and my husband's real, live home. Furniture can be bought and we can arrange and style any way, any day, but the memories will be stronger than any dining set, sectional couch with matching ottoman or bedroom set could ever be.

For now I'm going to enjoy the method to the madness because there are good times to be had, clean house or not. And the picture below is the result of my daughter saying, "Hey mom take a picture of my table. It looks pretty." Oh and this table was painted and styled by my sister, driven across the country by my dad, also after the car accident. I forgot that one too! So many stories with the furniture, so little time! Here's the cute table:

Happy Thursday readers!

One Month In And Tonight I Barely Made It

I'm a month into my year of posting successfully! I'm pretty proud of myself right now, if I may say so. And tonight I really just want to go to bed, but we had a big epic day. So I shall recap for my readers.

This morning was super Saturday filled with Birthday fun. My dad is in town, Luna had horseback riding lessons, her birthday party and a birthday dinner with our closest family. We did it!

Horseback riding was amazing. She did so well, like, you can see all my money going to a fantastic place. She listened so well and earned a cupcake!

She had some down time after with a real lunch and then I did some errands and picked up the my little pony cake. She put on her fancy dress and let down her hair and we were off.

The birthday party was at the bowling alley. Nine children bowling was the most hilarious thing ever. What gorgeous chaos. So wonderful to watch and take in. After pizza and cake we hit the arcade. Then we gave out party favors and came home. 

We brought a little friend home with her to play. This was my best idea ever because she immediately had fun that didn't involve us getting ready for company. It was time to get ready to host dinner. And my husband was making my favorite: tacos.

Whenever we have company he cooks for like 100, never for the number we will actually have. We also are never on time. Whenever I tell someone to come over, I think we'll eat within 30 minutes of arrival. It's almost always over an hour. 

We ate tacos, more cake and we visited with what we consider our Florida family. After this day I feel exhausted and blessed. We had all of our favorite kiddos with their parents there to celebrate the big 6. We had family over to visit and celebrate this growing child of mine.

Now it's crawling towards 10PM and I just want to crawl into my bed. So thank you all for a first wonderful month of my journey. Tomorrow I will have the capacity to enjoy more writing, probably during the Superbowl and after cake and wine, this tired mama will be heading to bed soon. Until tomorrow readers! 

Birthday Parties...Worth Every Penny If You Don't Have To Clean Up

My daughter is 6 days away from her 6th birthday and this is my infinite wisdom: I will always find the money for a party, because I don't have the energy to host 20 kids in my house or to clean up after it all. Paying for a party is worth every penny, in my humble opinion. 

My friends hosted Luna's 1st Birthday, I miss them all dearly as life has torn us away from each other, but they gave her a perfect Hungry Caterpillar 1st Birthday. We sang to my daughter, and she cried. She also did not like getting messy with the cake. Overall though, complete success. 

Luna's 2nd Birthday had my sister and brother in law fly down here to take her on her first Disney adventure. I was most excited to have the perfect excuse to go to Disney. Luna just wanted to climb on everything. She could care less about the rides. Birthday number 3 had this same theme. We partied at Disney and she had an amazing time.

Birthday number 4 we took my mom to Disney and stayed at an epic resort, but it was stressful. We got rained out our last day and went to the theater to see Moana. That was my favorite part, getting to see Moana.

But 5? The big 5 was the first, real party! Not only did one of our best friends fly in for her actual birthday so the day of her actual birthday she was spoiled rotten, but she had a Doc Mcstuffins themed Bouncy House Birthday Party. I get all of my birthday ideas from a mom who's son is a year older than my daughter and she picks the best places to have parties that aren't over the top. She gave this one a good review so, I followed her lead. So we went to the bouncy house place and they all had a blast. And I didn't have to clean up anything. They even served all the food.

Age 6 happens next week, and it comes with all new demands. It's a My Little Pony birthday at The Bowling Alley. She got to choose 10 kids to invite. On her actual birthday is dinner out, a big event in our household as I'm usually too cheap to go to most restaurants. And then she's been very specific on gifts.

Parties can be stressful. My husband and I have suffered a couple of those class birthday parties where you invite the entire class and we agreed, "Nope, not for us." My mom had me do those types of things and for a couple years, the kids that were most mean to me showed up and faked being nice for most of the party, but then complained at school on Monday about everything the party wasn't. I'm not doing that whole charade, not me. I also refuse to fake being any specific type of mom in public. I'm just me, take it or leave it. The party is about the kid anyway.

For the invite list we insisted it consist of kids that she sees and enjoys on a regular basis, not just school friends. We also trimmed it this year so as not to break the bank. A lot of the list includes parents I know well enough to be able to just enjoy the fun of watching these kids play.

Birthday parties can be so stressful and they shouldn't be. You're celebrating a little person. And we've been to all different kinds of parties, parks, aquariums, at people's homes, at play zones too, and every party is different. I've found that the ones that aren't at some kind of play place or party zone, are often chaotic and exhausting, but you just have to show up and go with the flow.

There's one tradition for parties that I'm not a fan of, and we don't participate in: the group gift opening. What kids want to watch their friend get all the toys? It's not a baby shower with cutesy stuff, it's a bunch of toys from other kids. Every time I've been to a party where we watch the gifts open, I hear like 5 kids screaming, "I have that one too!" Or, "I want one of those! Why can't I have one?" So we collect the presents, thank everyone, pass out the goody bags, and off we go. We let her rip everything to shreds at home and usually send pictures to the parents to show them what a hit it was.

For me, every penny spent where I just show up with a cake and call it a day is worth it. No clean up, no stress. I love it! Last year the worst part was putting together the party bags but I had reinforcements. This year, it's just waiting for the RSVPs to roll in. It's hard to get real head counts because life is so unpredictable with kiddos. 

For those moms that host these adventures in your homes, and make everything, more power to you! You deserve a medal! I don't have the mental capacity to pull that off but I greatly admire anyone who does. I always hope we can just escape to Disney for some family time, but that's just me. Maybe I'll take myself to Disney for my own birthday!