I don't know if it's growing up in proximity to addiction that just makes me worry or it's been crafted over my 3 plus decades on this earth. I had a rude awakening when it came to my ideas of stability and normalcy at a formative age. I've only recently realized that all of those experience were in fact traumatic and am attempting to repair some of the damage, but I'm definitely a worrier.
I'm a worrier about weird things I guess. I worry about my kid wandering out of the house unattended, or the dog leaving the neighborhood and getting hit by a car or finding a new family. I worry about my husband just not coming home for 8,000 reasons I won't list. I lose sleep over high credit card balances, late fees, health insurance woes, and messing up at work to jeopardize my job.
I've had some rough experiences with dissolution of friendships and even second-family type stuff which, in some way makes me "hardened" towards things and in other ways makes me worry about when and how these people will fade and depart from my world. The fading part...that's what drives my anxiety to the roof.
I've started asserting more of what I need in any kind of relationship but one thing I've made a joke out of, but has become a truth is, I'd rather you tell me "Hey, we won't be speaking anymore, I kind of hate you now," than just wait for you to stop responding to texts, stop "liking" and following posts on social media, and dodging my existence in general. But we don't live in that world so I just worry about other scenarios around that stuff.
Maybe I am such an avid "checker-inner" because of that part of my anxiety, but it certainly can be an obstacle. Ironically, in terms of what I can handle with great composure, I've been referred to as a "Warrior." I feel like the only part of me that embodies that word is that I feel so beaten down and exhausted in my mental battle that I've become a Worrier Warrior, fighting for and somehow against my anxious whims.
Social Media can work for and against this in change, and it's kind of maddening. My best friend called me, slightly "stalkery" because I told him I always check who "likes" and follows on certain things as like a gauge for if someone is active on social media, hence alive, and as some weird barometer for my "like-ability" in their eyes. Sad and silly, but nonetheless true.
My husband gives me a hard time about my sleep habits and love affair with getting a full night's rest, but I think it's because sleep is the only thing that stops my wandering, frenzied mind. Sure, I dream, but most I rarely remember enough to have them warrant anxiety. When I get sleep my brain isn't working overtime so it's wonderful. It's like a daily vacation from being me.
Mindfulness, meditation, and all of those anxiety helping exercises are incredibly difficult for me. They take so much focus and energy, which I usually feel depleted on as it is. It's also difficult to explain all of this at times, and often only other anxious people can understand some of the facets.
As a worrier warrior, I take pride in knowing that so much of this is more discuss-able and mainstream now; we no longer feel the intense pressure to keep it together, or maybe that's just me. I love finding Instagram posts, especially from celebrities, that own their bad days or panic attacks or meltdowns and that share their coping mechanisms. I love to see any mental health empowerment posts and encouragments because I think we all have our little "things" that come out when we are in some form of mental discomfort.
I lose myself in books or series on TV, I work out a lot, I listen to music, and even went through a feverish coloring phase for my most worried periods. These are my coping mechanisms. Maybe some people hit the beach or take extra walks or listen to calming podcasts. Maybe others clean, organize or do a home project, or even cook or bake. I think we all have our outlet and it's okay to plug in and shine where we are comfy when we feel the world is a bit much.
You'll find a million Pinterest quotes about worry stealing your joy but most of us can't help it; it just happens. Sure, there are many ways we can control our worry or channel it properly and in a healthy way but as a worrier warrior, I'd like to admit there is no "cure." Now I have never tried any western medicine for anxiety so I cannot speak to that in any capacity, so I'm leaving that out of my personal equation.
It's not all bad, because being an anxious, over-sensitive, over-thinker makes me a wonderful empath, and compassionate and thoughtful, but I won't say that it doesn't offer it's challenges for those close to me. For now, I can just fight the good fight, and some days are better than others in every way. Sometimes my only worry is getting to my daughter on time, other days I'm worried because it's been awhile since I've heard from someone but I'm too worried I'd bother them by checking in, and some days I'm worried that I worry too much!
Like most things in life, you just have to take it one day, and one moment at a time.
So, as a worrier warrior, I head into battle once again and I fight as much as I can through it all, which is pretty much all I can do! To those of you with anxiety and many worries, know that you're not alone and it's all okay and acceptable to wrestle with this stuff. If you have any questions, reach out because I'm always up for talking to anyone else with all these feels as well. Until tomorrow, readers!
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