My dad gave me a credit card lesson at age 18, but other than that no one really taught me about money. I learned everything the hard way, but always had the support of my family in the end. It was after our wedding that I learned just how evil credit cards could be, if used improperly, and that I needed to be much more tenacious in terms of watching payment schedules. It was after having a baby and being rejected on homeowner dreams that I was violently shoved into getting fiscally responsible.
I am extremely uptight about our current budget. Debt is not something that sits well with me. We have taken out two small loans to pay off credit cards and I'm obsessive about payment dates. It drives my husband insane, but it's for the greater good so I stand firm as financially feisty.
I wrote another blog about asking for help from a financial mentor only to be completely let down by the whole experience, leaving with a defeated sense of "screwing" things up or not being apt to do more. But then I thought about how far we've come and just how much I fight daily to keep things together and decided to just take what I could from the experience and let it go.
I'd like to say we don't, but we live paycheck to paycheck. My husband and I fundamentally see everything having to do with money completely differently. I'm that weirdo that loves a savings account and doesn't see certain things like dentist visits and wellness check ups as a "luxury" but a basic necessity like the internet and phone. However, I won't buy myself new clothes, new sheets, or new towels without serious buyers remorse unless mine are threadbare. To me, those are luxuries.
I'm naive enough to just leave the money issue as unspoken though and to think that, if you don't have the money, you don't go out, but also to be careful who you complain to about certain money things because it can create issues. I like to think that everyone lives within their means, and some people just have bigger means than others.
I struggled with this in motherhood, especially within the rise of social media. Everyone is posting cute new baby outfits and new wraps, carriers and strollers and we just couldn't afford it. Then my single friends were posting pictures of nights out as I'm at home re-watching Glee in a shirt with baby puke on it. I couldn't afford a babysitter, a night out, or new clothes to look decent in. It felt not great.
I once was called out as a hater because I made a quippy comment about how, it's not that other people just get to "have more," but that some people are just more okay being in debt and everyone must just have 50K in debt and not care. I thought I was handling my inner struggle sarcastically well, but was immediately shamed. It took a long time for me to change my perspective and found that around the right people, I was more apt to thrive mentally and financially.
The problem with money is that the people who have always had it, often forget that not everyone does. It's also a matter of the cost of living. My childhood home in Pennsylvania, a 4 story, 4 bedroom, 1 and 1/2 bath Victorian with a huge yard, sold less than a decade ago for just 30k less than what we paid for our 3 bedroom 2 bathroom Safety Harbor home. Location, location, location.
My cousin and his family live in Brooklyn and work in Manhattan and he tells me about the cost of living there and I'm astonished, but then again, I romanticize New York with the best of them. It's all about places and circumstance.
Yesterday, a plan that I had not budgeted for came at me full stop and I was completely taken aback. I had so much to consider and there were no cost options but, I had my family's comfort to think of. It was lightly suggested by someone to just throw some money at it and solve the issue and it just...struck me in the wrong way. Let me tell you, it's never that simple in our lives.
Money is just an uncomfortable subject. I avoid it like the plague because, it can lead to discourse. We've made the mistake of lending to friends and family and never giving back. We've had family lend to us and probably regret it. I've felt taken advantage of by people I would "spot lunch money" to and they never offered to return the favor. Or when you give someone rides home often but they never offer gas money, things get awkward and I hate it! I do! It's such a fine line and delicate tight-rope walk.
I never assume anyone will pay for me to do things and I try my best to appreciate any kind of monetary gift received, it's a huge deal for me. So even if I'd had friends treat me before, I don't make plans with them if I can't afford it and just think "they'll probably just pay for me." That's not how things work.
After a stint in the hospitality biz, I'm very sensitive to tipping. The least I leave is 20% unless the service is completely horrible, because everyone has a bad day, and I guarantee they will get at least one person daily who won't even tip at all. It has been drilled into my mind of, "If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to go out and enjoy that service." And I know some people don't feel that way; to each their own.
I think money stuff is just...difficult, and being kinder to each other's limitations can go a long way. We have close friends that are much more...financially advanced than we are. One time we really wanted to thank them for just, being so kind and including us in things that we saved to pay for an expensive dinner for all four of us and it literally made our friends uncomfortable. They were almost upset at the gesture like, "We have to at least leave the tip! Or pay for drinks!" But for me, it was a gift I wanted to give - these are the kinds of things I work really diligently with, thoughtful gifts that show gratitude and appreciation.
I've had to drill into my husband's head, don't buy me the "stuff," take me to a concert and we'll hang out together. I want an experience. Not things. My mom is the person who needs the "stuff" and pushes all those things on me too. I smile and nod.
There are time when I know to just accept the gifts even if I feel uncomfortable or don't want the gift giver to feel like I'm the one taking advantage, but there are times when I just say, "I'd love to but we can't afford it." That was really hard for me. It's so much easier to just swipe a card and go, but I can't enjoy anything if I'm saddled by debt. For those of you who can, I quote over and over again, Amy Poehler, "Good for them, not for me!"
I'm extremely frugal, some may even call me cheap, but I'm trying to live a little more, still within my means:
At one point when we had Disney passes my family was like "I can't believe you pay for that all the time." And in retrospect it's like, we took 9 mini-vacations in the same year, which is the same cost as one trip home to see you all! At least with Disney it was split into monthly payments, haha!
But, back to the point which is, money stuff is rough and stressful, and cumbersome and it's difficult not to be envious and judgmental these days, especially with social media. No one is posting pictures of eviction notices or late notices on bills, it's all pictures of new iPhones and new cars so it can make you feel inferior. But I think if we can all just remember that we all come from different a spectrum of the cash flow, it can be less of a conundrum or fiscal frenzy.
The moral of the story is, be nice, because you just never know what someone went through to earn what they have, or if someone is struggling just to make ends meet. Pay it forward doesn't always mean monetary things, but we should pay forward more understanding, especially in the financial districts.
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