A Simple Sunday Supplication

I can admit I've been out of the church loop for quite some time due to personal reasons, but as mentioned before a lot of it has to do with Sunday being the only possibility of an alarm free day. No alarm days are rare and if you can catch one, they can make your world seem so much brighter. My life is ruled by alarms, timing, structure, planning and restrictions daily, if not hourly.

It is usually a monthly request for a "no alarm day." It's much like my annual Christmas and Mother's day requests for naps; it gives me something simple and important to look forward to. It's the little things in life.

My daughter spent over 9 hours at a Girl Scout Camp yesterday and came home completely haggard. She was immediately opting out of going to church and I honestly didn't know if I could muster the energy to make her hop to and go.

My daughter and I spent the morning alone and I got the idea to be that cool, proactive parent and use this kit she got as a present to make chocolate eggs for Easter. Famous last words, right? Or better yet, just a bad idea. This whole thing was crap, a sham if you will, and more frustration than anything else. I will never try to be that mom again. I felt like a walking Pinterest fail.

It was then I started launching play dates and getting her out of the house so she could crash out early. Sundays are usually filled with exhaustion and Netflix, and I never begrudge my daughter any chill time. She deserves it, and hell, so do I.

I've successfully not worn makeup this weekend, which I consider a win, and I got a lot done. However, in the wake of the last few weeks I'm definitely feeling worn down and now we have Easter looming.

It is always my request to have Sunday be as low key as possible and is one that is often a tough sell, but when it's just my daughter and I here, I commit us to it.

Today has been a test of my anxieties though. It has been a stress test and very much a testament to my mental fortitude in some ways. If you want me to put a blanket label on my current state of mind, I'm really frustrated, yet here I am being productive and blogging away.

I've become more guarded and very self-aware lately and I'm really unapologetic about it. I've gotten kind invitations to some nice things but there is a part of me that is like, "If I have to pretend to be fine, I'm going to have to decline, because I really don't want to be asked how I've been and come up with an answer that's not, 'I've been really struggling with some personal stuff and it's made me not want to put myself in situations like this, thanks for asking.'" It sounds silly but it's where I am right now.

Blogging daily has become a healthy outlet to share the struggles but diatribe is also in the title of this whole thing after all. Sometimes I know I pander on too complain-y but I stay focused on not being too much of that. Some days are easier than others.

Where I feel my failures I also feel proud that I even recognize them. Where I feel antisocial I feel proud that I'm even taking time for myself and preserving my mental well being. It's all quite a balancing act and it's a process, regardless.

So here I am one day closer to a new week, hours away from the Game of Throne premier back to being my wobbly self. I must say, it's not that bad because I'm awake to it, and aware of it. I like being able to know all this, because I was definitely lacking before.

To my readers, again thank you and I'm already cultivating some ideas for this week's posts. Enjoy the rest of your weekend!