"It's Not Even Worth It To Take Time For Myself" - Another Mom and Me Too

I literally was having an Instagram Messenger conversation with another mom and we were talking about a meme she posted about being too tired to do things and commiserating with one another. I've written about this subject on multiple occasions, but it bears further discussion in my opinion.

I usually feel like, not only is it frowned upon, but it's not even worth it to take time for myself. It has been my personal experience that whenever I indulge in some "Treat Yo Self" time, I come home to something worse than when I left. If I go get a massage, which happens once a year at best, I'll come home to some crazy mess. If I get a manicure or pedicure, hubby gets a migraine and I'm stressed about finishing the cleaning he couldn't. Sometimes I think it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I suck at relaxing in general. I could most likely easily be diagnosed with ADD but I just feel like there is always something I need to be getting done. And I always have a million little projects on the Pinterest board of my mind! So when I get "me time," I either immediately have some weird form of "buyers" remorse or feel like I pay for it in other ways later.

For me, "me time" usually involves a workout because that isn't selfish it's self care, right? But now we see all these other self care methods like, face masks, manicures, pedicures and of course the Parks and Recreation spearheaded movement of "Treat Yo Self" which is just an excuse to buy a bunch of stuff you want for yourself. Man, I wish I could pull that off without feeling so badly about it right after.

In the grander scheme I do genuinely feel like taking time for myself isn't worth it. I don't know what it's like to be bored anymore and any time for just me to indulge in any "me" ways could be much better spent cleaning something or making some kind of progress of some kind. I often fantasize about what I would do with a day off with no plans. My husband immediately taunts me that it could never happen for me so it's an impossible dream. I over-plan and schedule everything.

Sometimes I wonder if there were no alarms and no responsibilities or obligations for a whole weekend, just how long I could sleep. And I think as moms we are tired because we constantly fear it's not worth taking time for ourselves, so we just keep running and running. We stay up late to watch too much TV, to eat what sugar and treats our kids can't have, and to do things without interruption. We get up early to beat the kids to stuff so we can get a head start on productivity. And we constantly rearrange everything to make sure everyone and everything else comes before we do. 

It can feel insanely thankless at times. You think of all these things you do and then people ask, "How do you do it all?" And the answer is you don't. We are our worst critics and we always feel we fall short. For instance, I have a clean house, a good job, and we finally have affordable health, dental and vision insurance and aren't up to our ears in debt. But I'm not involved in Luna's school like at all, and also, her one extra-curricular activity is on Saturday mornings and that's it. 

So again, it's not even worth taking any more time for myself than the gym because we have so much else going on. We do socially childless things maybe twice a month and I even try to keep us home as much as possible for chill and reboot time. 

I will admit during a crappy personal time I went through a selfish phase and was out too much and just on my own agenda and everything in my home life suffered, and I did too. But still, it pains me that most mothers feel this way. They feel like taking time for themselves just makes everything else worse and if they do they really won't be able to keep up or make up for it. I think the worst part of those feelings is, they are partially true.

We will never gain the lost time back. If we take a night to binge-watch Netflix and miss a sporting tournament or activity, we never get it back and we miss kid moments. If we don't wake up at 5AM and workout, we never get that workout back. In some senses, the whole "there's always tomorrow" thing is a bunch of crap that we can't even afford to buy into because, tomorrow will open a whole new kind of busy!

There will be more chores tomorrow, more mess, more dishes and more stress when we could just do it today. My husband gives me such a hard time about not leaving things until the morning. I always say I can sleep better just knowing it's done, which is true. I hate dreading a chore or list of things to get done, when I could have made some progress or done what I could the night before. It's a "blurse," a blessing and a curse.

My thoughts are this: let's strive to find even 5 minutes to ourselves for anything. Five minutes alone with a cup of coffee, a book, a couple songs or a walk! We can build from there and maybe learn how to give ourselves a little more time, and then feel it's worth it! Moms feel plenty of "unworthyness" feelings from all over, but some time for ourselves is not only okay but, we DESERVE IT. 

I won't wax on about it being "necessary," but I will speak from experience that it is helpful. A few minutes that are my own can completely turn around my mood and in turn, my entire day. So figure out ways to "Treat Yo Self," for just you, and no one else. Mine is a cup of fancy coffee on my way to work from my favorite coffee shop and then walking the dog alone a couple times a week. Feel free to post yours and share your self care methods. I want to know you're taking time for yourself because you're worth it. It's worth it. We are all worth it! Make that your mantra!

Challenge 12: If I Won The Lottery

So to kick off another week at this, the challenge is to write about if I won the lottery. There was an entire episode about this on The Office. When I was in my twenties it was all about going all the places and having all the things. Now I would like to own multiple small homes/condos in a few great places so I had free places to stay or I could AirBnB that stuff for income. Wait, is this adulting?

I also wouldn't quit a job. I'd work part time at something I was in love with like...a coffee shop. And then I would take many trips to do what I want to do and enjoy life to it's fullest. I would also give some to a charity or 3 but help some of my closest friends who struggle by random acts of bill paying like, "Hey, I paid your rent, utilities, and 3 months of your phone bill, go get that purse you were saving for." Or, "Here is a gift certificate to your favorite store, go nuts!" Things like that make the world go round.

I think we have an obsession with this lottery question because financial freedom is such an ultimate goal. But one thing I have learned, the more money you have and you make, the more expenses come up. What was that song? "Mo, Money, Mo Problems,"? How is 90's music so very right on so often? What an era.

Anyway, this whole Lottery question is supposed to reflect who I am as a person, or at least that is my point of view on the issue. I think it's just a study of how much we like to indulge in the fantasy that life could get or will get "easier." As more and more days go by I realize that life doesn't get "better or worse," or just "More difficult or less bad." Life is just life and you have to deal with what happens as it comes to you. In some cases you will have some preparedness and in others it may hit you like a brick but sometimes bad things just happen.

I've learned over the past two years and test myself daily on the fact that most of life's obstacles and hardships are all about how you look at it and how you tackle the issues. So if you win a million dollars you can buy all the things and have a bunch of stuff, or you can pay off some debts and save some and keep working. Maybe you could take a fabulous vacation to a dream location with no debt and then save for some other places as well.

And money does run out. You can spend it all and do very little, so going all crazy is just never a good idea, in my humble opinion. I'm instantly reminded of that scene in Wolf of Wall Street where Leonardo DiCaprio throws money off of the boat at the IRS. Let's not do that.

I'm sure we've written many, many essays in our school careers about this. I honestly probably had better money ideas when I was a kid. But I will leave you with this, the lottery is very random and highly unlikely, like many things in life. On bad days it is fun to get caught up in the IFs but we cannot live there. So go ahead and plan to spend your fictional fortune, but don't forget to pay your actual bills in the mean time!


 

Cell Phone Detox

Years ago one of my friends used the phrase "Blurse," blessing and a curse, which I use frequently. Cell phone are definitely a Blurse. I heard something on the radio saying we check our phones at least once a minute. I'm totally guilty. Our big splurge after we had our first baby, was a foray into the world of smart phones. 
 
Those things are rad! They have come a long way. You almost don't need computers anymore. But, I'm kind of a cell phone addict, I'll totally admit it. It's definitely information overload. You can get sucked into checking Facebook and Instagram and email and waiting for text messages and sending memes and Pinterest!
 
I'm a text junkie. When you have a toddler who won't let you have phone conversations with out dancing on the dining room table, painting a wall or destroying something, texting is your best friend. "Bring home wine." "Bring home dinner." "What are we doing this weekend?" "Your daughter just ate a pen." These are all part of current parenthood.
 
The APPS! SO MANY APPS! SO LITTLE TIME! Check your bank, check wait times at Disney, make fun of people, find a take out place, get coupons, find a dress, find a friend, take a picture, take a video, it's all a finger flick away! But sometimes you get downright attached and obsessive! "Did it vibrate? I think I felt it vibrate. Did I hear it go off? What notification tone was that? Was that even my phone?" And the worst of the worst: "WHY WON'T YOU TEXT ME BACK!?"
 
All this...stuff just brings out such evil. Maybe it's radiation. Maybe it's just the new age. It's kind of unnerving. And then you meet people who are like, "I never check my phone," and you think, "What do you mean? I don't understand." 
 
We have to detox ourselves from our phones now, the way we do with carbs and junk food. That's kind of pathetic if you think about it. And then the whole thing of instant communication: "Well what if someone needs to get in touch with me?!" Are we all so individually important that we must be reached at any given second? Remember when you had to call the school to give a kid a message about a ride or an emergency? Or call a company phone to get ahold of a significant other? Now you just expect them at your beck and call. It's crazy!
 
Sometimes I just hide it from myself so I can take a break. It's often too much. But this is the universe we live in now. My toddler can navigate things far more easily than I can. She's like a little sponge! I'm not much for tablets and having all kinds of distractions for kiddos outside of movie time but I can see why it's appetizing. Then again, I see those families out to dinner with parents on cell phones and kids playing with tablets and it makes me sad. Now my family may be around the television constantly for lazy times at home but we can hold a conversation at least. Now it's all, "Did you see that Facebook post?" "Did you see that selfie?" "What about that Groupon?"
 
I've had to dial it down, pun intended. As much as I love my Spotify, Facebook, Pinterest and texting, sometimes you need to breathe! It's not always easy because you get used to the luxury but I'm finding it's worth it to not have a cell phone as an extra appendage!