There's Only So Much You Can Do, And That's Okay

I've always been a social person and now am owning that I'm an introverted extrovert. For as long as I can remember, people have been comfortable talking to me and discussing all the things. It's not that I don't care, I really care about the people in my tribe, but sometimes when we tell each other stuff, I wonder what I'm expected to do with it all.

This isn't a complaint about when you say, "How are you?," and then a friend just completely unloads on you because you're a trusted third party. This is about when someone tells you something that just leaves you feeling like, "What am I actually supposed to do with that information? Is this a cry for help? Should I jump in and give advice?" What do you do?

My closest friends who are well versed in my mental battles usually do a check in, like asking if I can mentally handle some heavy conversations or deep advice sessions or just hear all the complaints, but I think some acquaintances of mine just decided to tell me all the things and it's like leaving someone with a bag of money and walking away...what do I do? Do I share it? Do I keep it to myself?

I work hard on protecting mine and anyone's privacy and not being too gossipy but we all love to talk and share. It's human. I also like to be a good listener and be someone that people feel comfortable around but there are weird lines anymore, and they are often anything but black and white.

This goes along with boundaries and finding where I can be okay around certain things, and were I have to be more self preserving. I've been very aware and very cautious about things on social media platforms because they often welcome responses I'm not equipped for and if I'm giving full disclosure here, the darkness I'm just coming out of is still fresh, real and not completely revealed. I'm healing more and more but it's a struggle nonetheless.

There are certain people you do open up to and talk about anything from gross and weird to what is normal and everything in between so this definitely has nothing to do with that type of thing, but rather it's more of a revelation lately about my personal energy and how it is affected.

Last year I'd taken a step back in being actively pursuant of certain relationships where I felt very much like I was misunderstood and left the interactions feeling inferior. I think some people wanted me to be more grown than I was in that moment or more able to deal with what they were putting down in front of me and I just couldn't, so it left me feeling crappy.

From these interactions came two important things: I realized I need to stand up for my feelings more, and it's also super okay to only be able to do what I can. What I mean is, when a friend of mine is inadvertently compromising my mental capacity, it's MY job to tell them, so they can understand. I can't expect someone to just figure it out. And also, considering what we all have going on that we aren't sharing with people, sometimes there is only so much you can do. Life, and relationships, no matter how simple or complicated, are a tricky business.

I've been overly sensitive to this lately. If I feel pushed in a negative way or just plain not considered by someone, I completely step back. If I feel judged or misunderstood, I withdraw. I feel like when you're in a life state in flux, coming out of trauma and darkness, it's all extremely delicate. The people who saw you in the trauma and now coming out have a better view of the evolution, but those who know nothing of your battles easily judge your now and your then, instead of the journey.

One day I want to be able to write and reveal about my journey and be capable to handle all forms of reaction, but I'm definitely not there yet. For now I just strive to be real about how I handle what is put in front of me, no matter how confusing.

I have a friend that I met in a family crisis. She tried to help and was kind but I would never say we really know each other. We've shared some social events and time with our children but aren't close. She came to me during a rough time and asked for help, and in an attempt to be a good Christian person, I totally let down my walls and gave her a hand.

It wasn't a negative experience but it was a stressful and awkward one. She wasn't telling me the whole story, and she didn't have to, but it made things difficult. As she has shared snippets of the entire story, it just left me more confused wondering what do I make of all this? I had to let it go and be okay with the fact that I tried to give her what she needed and I can only do that and leave it there.

I'm not a person that gives up on people or just ghosts them. I've never just decided "I'm so done with you; you're gone." However, I have become more cautious and stopped perpetuating relationships I'm unsure of and just let them fall as they should. This isn't to say, "If I don't text you and we don't hang out, I don't care," but rather I'm learning which relationships I'm carrying and putting more effort into, than the opposing party.

Friendships are just as difficult as romantic relationships and after I had my daughter I became very timid and afraid to talk to certain people for fear of being judged because of our life circumstances and parenting choices. As things became worse in my home life, I began to struggle with the fact that everyone knew me as one way, pre-baby, and because I was struggling so much, I wasn't much of that person anymore.

Losing yourself in the hardships of life is so difficult and heart-breaking. Making a comeback is even more-so. You want to just tell everyone exactly how it was, but there's so much fear, shame and guilt so you can easily withdraw. I've realized now when people end up just opening a proverbial can of worms upon me, that it's better I tell them, "I'm unsure of the best response or how to help," than to just hide and avoid the awkwardness. I try to respond respectfully but am often left in the mental limbo of wondering what exactly to do.

Sometimes these situations and questions can mess me up for awhile, but more and more I just keep reminding myself, there's only so much I can do, and that's completely okay. When I see friends post about struggles I just try and open the door to let them know that I can hear them if they need an ear. And whatever they say I do my best to be open, but most often the best I can offer is just acknowledging the struggle and wishing they weren't in that situation or maybe say a few prayers for them.

It's been a rough realization but it is completely okay to be able to only do so much. We are overextended in every way these days, and we can't fix each other and take care of ourselves. We have to find the balance between self preservation and being a supportive friend as those lines are completely hazy.

For today I can just own that I do my very best to be a good friend in any situation, no matter how awkward. For tomorrow it will be more of the same.

Let's Get Serious And Talk About...Serving Sizes

This is a real discussion people...excuse my french but serving sizes these days, are BULLSHIT. No, seriously, we need to reevaluate our consumer lives I think.I have struggled with weight, I DO struggle with my weight, and I've had many a battle with food issues. But yesterday it sparked something blog-worthy.

Yesterday I started to feel off. I've been very conscious about what I'm eating and that I'm eating properly. Some may call me a food extremist because I can eat everything or nothing and still function, granted some ways of functioning are better than others. Nowadays, it's about paying attention to what I'm actually eating, how much of it and when I'm munching.

It's been easier than I thought, and productive. So I had a great breakfast and packed some apple sauce, some veggies and then some more fruit. My stomach started getting crampy, so of course I went for the banana to ease this early on. When water wouldn't help it to chill out, I broke out the apple sauce. By lunch it was still unhappy and I had to run to Publix anyway so I got myself a small to go pack of Cheez-Its:

The bag says, "Grab N Go." It's roughly the same size as a sandwich bag, maybe smaller. It was just $1.00, I hadn't had them in a long time and yay for salt! There was a 150 calorie count on the front under my thumb but what I looked at on the back was that they consider this "Grab N Go" bag to be 3 servings. THREE SERVINGS in this bag. Let me ask you, who is buying this bag to revisit once a day for 3 days? Because that person is an intensely specific, careful person!

So as you can see, the entire bag is 430 calories, which is roughly the same amount of calories as a breakfast bagel. This is just considered a snack. I got weirdly annoyed by this and it sparked this whole question of, how are we supposed to be "healthy" when Grab and Go snacks have the same calorie count as a small meal?

We live in a world with endless brands, choices and opportunities. There is gluten free, vegan, real cheese, processed cheese, fat free, low fat, no trans fat, reduced fat, etc, etc. It can be overwhelming, as life is already overwhelming. Trying to maintain the idea of "healthy" is ever-changing and really hard, in my opinion.

It's like in the 50's you had bacon, eggs, ham, toast and orange juice for just breakfast but everyone smoked cigarettes and looked trim! Now it's egg whites only or a super sized Big Mac meal with a Diet Coke and all the different sweeteners give you cancer. How can we keep up?

Full disclosure, I inhaled the entire Grab and Go pack, I mean, it was on the label to Grab and Go, I was just following directions. But also, my body needed something to calm it down. I used to do calorie and points count for weight watchers but I discovered that, for me, counting calories and points and getting on the scale so often created more unhealthy habits as a result. So I just found comfort with moderation. I can have a damned cupcake, I can't have 3. I can have a glass of wine, not a bottle.

But I stared at this package and thought, this is what's wrong with everyone being unhealthy; on the front it says 150 and in tiny tiny letters it discloses, "per serving" and then the back it shows you all the negative nutrition facts. It's like when you go to Starbucks and all of the calories are in huge numbers next to the price and name. You practically pay a penny a calorie for the latte anymore. This is why I switched to just black coffee. Less to obsess about, more caffeine.

I happen to have an extraordinarily horrible metabolism. It's the worst. I'm one bad test away from hyperthyroidism on the low end, but still. I work out hard, to be able to eat what I want...within reason. So I had some pangs of guilt with each Cheez-It but they were delicious and calmed my stomach so, win.

This calorie stuff bugged me. Sometimes I just don't want to know. I used to LOVE the caramel apple cider at Starbucks in the winter on a cold afternoon. When I was on weight watchers, I found out it was 8 points and like 800 calories. I could have 3 cans of soup and still not use that many calories. I will never drink one again. Sometimes I wish I never knew it was an evil yet delicious drink. 

There are many ways in which it's important to know what you're putting into your body, especially with chemicals and preservatives and all, but can't we just have some buffalo chicken egg rolls without punishment? I just want the chocolate mousse without the side of guilt. Food is so awesome, let's stop shaming, shall we?

At and old job, I was working super hard on losing weight, and I got a serious public eating phobia. I had to be seen by these guys as the healthy person, I couldn't inhale Chik-Fil-A along side them. I had to look like the healthy girl. So I starved myself during my shifts a lot or just ate granola bars and a smoothie. It was not fun.

We are in a body positive place now more than ever, and it makes my heart happy because I want everyone to eat what they want, but there are definitely consequences when you do, and you have to be able to accept them. I do think that all of the calorie stuff, nutrition facts and serving sizes are poorly explained and marketed. These days I feel like we need need a class just to break this down for people because it's all a little crazy.

If you think about it, one meal at McDonald's is an entire day's calorie count or more, but will still leave you hungry. Some drinks could qualify as a meal's worth of calories. Keeping track can feel defeating at times and often, unfair. Every once in awhile a milkshake is due! We can splurge, just not every night. And finding that balance is so hard.

This is why "Cheat" days are a thing and they don't work for me personally, because I can pack a lot away in a day. I'd rather just be mindful of what I'm actually eating and allow myself a dessert or two when it occurs than shove it all into one day and starve myself the rest of the week. "Oh man I can't have that bread because Saturday I ate a whole loaf and then a cake, better stick with just lemon water and broth;" that's how it goes in my mind!

I used to think I could eat what I want and lose weight. Not so much. I made some pretty intense changes to allow for the occasional cupcake and a few glasses of wine. As you get older, workouts get harder, and you need to change up routines. But 400 some calories in Cheez-Its from time to time is worth an extra lap or two, in my opinion. 

I'm not saying we need to individually package each serving and waste resources and plastic but I think it should be much easier to be healthy. From organic food being more expensive, to gym memberships being costly, to junk food seemingly being "always on sale" it's kind of a lot to expect us to adhere to serving sizes and put our money where our mouths are, so to speak. It takes a lot of effort to be conscientious. 

So while this may come out as a bitter whining diatribe about first world problems, for me it is kind of a cry out of, "Can we make living healthy lifestyles, no matter what your size or preference, EASIER, and less stressful please?" I'm sure not everyone sits there, sees the serving size and thinks..."so do I not eat the whole thing even though I'm starving and it won't be good later, or do I eat the whole thing and then drink a lot of water the rest of the day?," but for those of us who already have an entire realm of food-related issues, it shouldn't be such a mental wrestling match. LET US EAT CAKE! 

And while serving sizes are necessary, they feel pretty ridiculous lately. I mean two girl scout cookies are a serving size and like 200 calories, but don't lie to me and tell me you don't eat a whole ROW of them from the package. THEY ARE GIRL SCOUT COOKIES! Let's just be real people, and give us real servings, serving sizes and calorie counts, up front! Or we could make it funny, like "Eat the row and that's the same as bacon and eggs, just have a handful and you're good." I always opt for funny.

Parks and Rec's whole satire around Paunch Burger, the sugar and the sodas was so insanely funny, because it's entirely too true! In contrast, they had an episode where they had to make Kale and Chard, "sexy," and Leslie admitted how gross healthy food could be. We need to improve upon that but also allow ourselves to love and enjoy food. It is the spice of life, after all. Or is that something else.

So after this whole post, I bring us this, let's be conscious but not completely insane about serving sizes and allow everything in moderation. And now I ask that all of the food companies actually make serving sizes realistic because if you call it a grab and go bag that highly suggests a single serving. At least at McDonald's when you super size something, you know what you're getting. So Oreos, Snack Crackers and Junk Food alike, let's be real, just put the calorie counts of the whole bag on there so we know what we're up against. Even Starbucks tells you how many calories in a pumpkin spice latte, no matter how depressing. They don't expect you to condense 20oz into two servings. 

Down off the weird soapbox, or perhaps food crate, I go!

Under Active Is My Middle Name

My lunch break usually involves Publix. I had to get bananas for the class Valentine's Day party and for the past few visits I've found myself looking at different kinds of pasta as if to accept my fate. You see the Chriss fam moved up a bit in life, we have decent insurance now. So we did what you're supposed to do with insurance and we went to the doctor. And for me that included two blood draws and low levels of something or other that say "Under Active Thyroid."

The official diagnosis is just once test away but I'm already overthinking. Funny how my body under-acheives in some ways and overdrives in other. I'd first heard about this with another mom friend like months ago and lets just say we'll have many talks over wine after all this is said and done.

I did what you should never do and looked on WEB MD. Unfortunately like 10 out of the 12 symptoms are all Alison. Things like "Extreme sensitivity to cold, fatigue, always feeling tired, dry skin, trouble losing weight, depression." It was all just stuff I was used to. I thought that was just who I was now.

Then I saw the "Foods to avoid," section, which may as well be named "All my favorite things." Included were bread, butter, pasta, spinach, kale, brussel sprouts, sugary things and sweets. Yeah I love those all. My husband makes fun of the fact that I believe bread to be a snack!

So I had a blah day feeling really annoyed and inconvenienced, and a little mad at my body. If you've known me since my teen years I have always struggled with weight. In fact my mom announced to my daughter's after care program that I have "weight issues." It was after my daughter was born that I stopped believing I could eat whatever I wanted and taught myself, "You can eat anything you want...in moderation, and you're going to work for it." I finally felt like I had a healthy relationship with food.

And now I have to adjust. Is this part of resilience again? So I'll be trying zucchini, lentil and chickpea pastas, I'll be saying bye to bread in my regular diet, saying goodbye to most sweets, and replacing my spinach and kale addiction with spring mix and other lettuce. But I do feel like if this makes no damned difference, I'd rather just continue my healthy affair with food and exercise as it was established.

You see I'd accepted being uncomfortably cold and I now live in Florida. I've always just been that person that needs 8 hours of sleep to be kind and productive. The dry skin didn't happen until after the baby, but that's what lotion is for. And depression has been around forever. It's not until you look at everything together that it all clicks.

This is a manageable situation for sure, but I am very resistant to western medicine. Maybe I spent too long in Oregon, but I always try to go for natural, holistic methods and ways to deal with my body first, before the drugs get brought in. Yes, I'm that hippie.

I think what bothers me is the dancing around the "diagnosis." I mean is my thyroid under active? Is it on strike? Maybe it's really mad at me. Oh and I also read that stress makes everything much worse. To quote How I Met Your Mother, "Hey, have you met Ted?" I'm the queen of stress. I'm 90% stress and anxiety incarnate!

So I've just been Pinteresting and Googling and talking everything out, trying to get a grasp on this for the next test. I'm fully open to suggestions or commiserations and ready to just know what I'm dealing with but I'm not ready to say no to cupcakes, I will miss bread dearly and thank goodness they make different kinds of vegetable related pasta because I tried the gluten free pasta and that is NOT pasta. Sorry, not sorry.

Maybe this is more of my resilience or maybe that tiredness makes me too exhausted to fight back. Maybe I figure it can't hurt to try and abide by the food restrictions to see if I feel any different. Maybe this is just a part of adulthood. Maybe the test will come back and my thyroid will have gotten its act together. So many maybes!

This week is kind of my last hurrah, like a cheat meal because next week I have to take it all more seriously. I'm sure there will be many more reports of these shenanagins. Please feel free to message me if you have advice or have dealt with this stuff yourself and also, just know that the Under Active Thyroid club apparently has many members. I just feel we should meet at the bar, preferably a taco bar with margaritas. 

Daily Challenge 19: My Worst Habits

If we are going to lay out worst habits...mine would be biting fingernails. It goes hand in hand with my anxiety. 

I've been a nail chewer since I was little. I can still hear hear the scolding. When I get my nails done or paint them I am usually okay, but mostly if I am stressed or anxious that is when I chew away.

Other worst habits? I'm super self critical. In so many ways I think we can all say this about ourselves but I can get very mean to myself. Maybe that's a womanly trait, which is sad, but I think we often beat ourselves up far more than we deserve.

Talking about worst habits for a blog challenge is kind of a self-critical practice when we live in a society that preaches an awful lot about self care. Maybe some of our worst habits are pertaining to self care? Like if you like to unwind by doing a facial and plucking eyebrows and doing some personal maintenance to boost your confidence, maybe some see that as worst habit and plain old narcissism. What a thought that our worst habits could be tools in our preservation in one way or another!

So if your worst habit is working out too much? Like, what is that? I recently heard a comedian talk about how women want to be so skinny that people are concerned for their health. But then again some guys say they like thicker women. Where is the balance? Maybe a worst habit is being obsessed with balance! This is a dangerous blog challenge, so I digress.

Let's get back to the main subject of worst habits. I think all of these worst things are just subject to personal judgment. I would say my husband's worst habit is leaving his clothes all over the house, he might say something completely different about his own AND about mine. Regardless, I feel it best not to dwell. 

How about no more "my worst," and we re-frame this as "a habit I'd like to work on." Because isn't it all about attitude in the end? Let's work on all of it!

Challenge 15: Timeline of My Day

Some of these challenges are a bit short and slightly silly feeling to me. But they are all good exercises and I'm embracing the challenge. Although it feels self-indulgent, here is the timeline of my day.

Monday through Friday my alarm rings at 4:45AM for a 5 or 5:15AM workout. Then I get back home by 6:20AM to pack my lunch, grab a bowl of cereal and make my coffee. This is followed by the shower, laying out clothes for the kiddo, and getting ready for work.

I have to be in the car by about 7:15AM to get to work by 8. Usually I help the little one get dressed and she says goodbye to me and blows me kisses from the front stoop. Between 7:50AM and 8AM I get into my office. From 8AM to 9:30AM I have to edit and compile reports and charts for my job. At 9:20AM the same customer calls me to read him a copy of the newsletter I just published that morning.

From then on I count down to my 12:00PM hour-long lunch and usually have a 10AM snack. On my lunch I walk around or make phone calls to catch up with people because by the end of the day I just zone out. 

My afternoon often drags from 1PM to 5PM with end of the day numbers submitted just after 4PM. I take phone calls and do social media updates for work. I catch up on news and a few things here and there. I walk out of the door at 5PM, and unless there is crazy traffic, I can usually make it back to my neighborhood by about 5:45PM. 

Three days a week I hit the gym in the evenings too, for Spin class or a run. Then I get home to tidy up and get the kiddo ready for bed time. We read between 2 and 4 books and have about 10 minutes of end of day recap and cuddles before I head out to make myself dinner and do whatever chores are required to make the rest of the week easier. So I eat around 8PM and usually am in bed between 9:30PM and 10PM to get some sleep and do it all over. 

Weekends I try to "sleep in" between 7 and 8AM. Sometimes I hit a 9:30AM Saturday morning spin class and Sundays usually involve Church. I thrive on routine and when things get thrown off it is definitely not an easy transition for me. So much of my anxiety contributes to that. Although I think most people can function better when they have a normal schedule. 

With my daughter's schedule we have yet to throw in any sports or crazy after school activities outside of basic after care. She thrives with other people and routines of her own but she comes home tired and so do I. 

My husband works nights so we rarely cross paths and he is the guy who gets the little one to where she needs to be in the mornings. I'm the bed time guru. Each day follows roughly the same timeline with some fun and alterations here and there. It's tough to motivate from time to time but once you just get up and do it, it's not so bad. 

Now feel free to judge, eye roll or think that I am crazy with this schedule but this is years of working and figuring out how to keep everyone sane. This schedule is the closest we have all been to that sanity!

Cell Phone Detox

Years ago one of my friends used the phrase "Blurse," blessing and a curse, which I use frequently. Cell phone are definitely a Blurse. I heard something on the radio saying we check our phones at least once a minute. I'm totally guilty. Our big splurge after we had our first baby, was a foray into the world of smart phones. 
 
Those things are rad! They have come a long way. You almost don't need computers anymore. But, I'm kind of a cell phone addict, I'll totally admit it. It's definitely information overload. You can get sucked into checking Facebook and Instagram and email and waiting for text messages and sending memes and Pinterest!
 
I'm a text junkie. When you have a toddler who won't let you have phone conversations with out dancing on the dining room table, painting a wall or destroying something, texting is your best friend. "Bring home wine." "Bring home dinner." "What are we doing this weekend?" "Your daughter just ate a pen." These are all part of current parenthood.
 
The APPS! SO MANY APPS! SO LITTLE TIME! Check your bank, check wait times at Disney, make fun of people, find a take out place, get coupons, find a dress, find a friend, take a picture, take a video, it's all a finger flick away! But sometimes you get downright attached and obsessive! "Did it vibrate? I think I felt it vibrate. Did I hear it go off? What notification tone was that? Was that even my phone?" And the worst of the worst: "WHY WON'T YOU TEXT ME BACK!?"
 
All this...stuff just brings out such evil. Maybe it's radiation. Maybe it's just the new age. It's kind of unnerving. And then you meet people who are like, "I never check my phone," and you think, "What do you mean? I don't understand." 
 
We have to detox ourselves from our phones now, the way we do with carbs and junk food. That's kind of pathetic if you think about it. And then the whole thing of instant communication: "Well what if someone needs to get in touch with me?!" Are we all so individually important that we must be reached at any given second? Remember when you had to call the school to give a kid a message about a ride or an emergency? Or call a company phone to get ahold of a significant other? Now you just expect them at your beck and call. It's crazy!
 
Sometimes I just hide it from myself so I can take a break. It's often too much. But this is the universe we live in now. My toddler can navigate things far more easily than I can. She's like a little sponge! I'm not much for tablets and having all kinds of distractions for kiddos outside of movie time but I can see why it's appetizing. Then again, I see those families out to dinner with parents on cell phones and kids playing with tablets and it makes me sad. Now my family may be around the television constantly for lazy times at home but we can hold a conversation at least. Now it's all, "Did you see that Facebook post?" "Did you see that selfie?" "What about that Groupon?"
 
I've had to dial it down, pun intended. As much as I love my Spotify, Facebook, Pinterest and texting, sometimes you need to breathe! It's not always easy because you get used to the luxury but I'm finding it's worth it to not have a cell phone as an extra appendage!