Concert Consciousness

I had the great pleasure this week of going to see one of my favorite musicians, Jenny Lewis, live at a small theater in Orlando. I had been lucky enough to see Jenny Lewis 12 years ago when she was in the amazing band, Rilo Kiley. Since then, I have not had the real chance to see her live again. There were always obstacles and financial reasons as to not make the show. Nothing stopped us this time.

Because of my excitement I asked my husband to find my old Rilo Kiley shirt. If you didn't know 19 year old Alison very well, you may be surprised at the fact that I have always been a concert-goer, and back in the day was nothing short of an avid concert-goer. I am obsessed with certain avenues of live music.

My first concert when I was 11 or 12 was Billy Joel at some concert hall at a local university. I knew very well plenty about Billy Joel to know that I was damn lucky to see him live in a small space. Sitting in a cold concert hall to watch seemed a little stuffy but regardless, I was happy to have the experience. My second concert was when I was 13, Hanson, at HersheyPark Arena I believe. I didn't like how huge it was, there was no room to move and the speakers drowned out everything with just noise and over-blown effects rather than the music.

When I was 17 or 18 a friend's mom took us to see NSYNC in their prime. We had nosebleed arena seats for an arena in Ft. Lauderdale I think. I knew I was so lucky to go but I remember when it was encore time my friend's mom was like "You have to clap to make them come back out!: My friend said, "Mom the encore is part of the show, whether they like it or not, clapping won't change that." Her mom did the classic "back in my day the encore meant something," story and it made me laugh but I've taken smaller show encores seriously since.

When I was 18 and living in the Pacific Northwest we were in indie-concert heaven. So many bands passed through the university towns of every genre and so many played the small clubs. I was completely obsessed with all things music. The closest to a "spiritual" experience I've ever had, has been in a live music venue. Music has been there for me on my darkest days, same as when I'm in a great mood. Music is my life.

I say that not in the sense that I'm any kind of musician. I just say that I couldn't live without it. When I was able to see Jenny Lewis live, close up and dance and sing and fall deeper in love with everything about her, it made me think of how many concerts I've been to. I've lost count.

The concert t-shirt situation will be a blog on it's own. I plan to count and record the findings this weekend. My husband was giving me a hard time about all the shirts and I said, "That was my thing; you could lose a ticket stub but a shirt I could and would wear forever, although some are inappropriate now."

I started going through them and remembered where I got them from, what show, when and how. It was better than a photo album. Some of my strongest, and best memories are around concerts. Some of my now favorite songs, or revisited songs I'd forgotten, I was lucky enough to see live, forever changing me. I've seen songs performed live that I disliked on an album. I've seen songs live that I didn't understand until the artist gave commentary on it. I've disliked some songs live that are my favorite on an album. Each concert was a journey, an adventure and a conscious experience.

It may be safe to say you can't actually know me on a deep level until you've seen me around live music of my own favorite musicians. My best friend and I are deeply rooted around the music of Hanson. I've made unlikely friends in the presence of Death Cab for Cutie, Rilo Kiley and Cake. Seeing performances live is where all my money went, pre-motherhood. Now I'm much more selective.

This past show was something of a new kind of concert adventure. In my twenties you would drive 2 hours to a venue, get tipsy up until you could sneak into the opener, then continue to drink to party through the show, then switch to water halfway through the headlining show, drive home, sleep until the last minute you could and rally back into whatever you had going the next day. For this part of my 30's, we caffeinated on the way, had a small dinner, small water, were fighting the sleepies before the show started, and then got a cookie and sugar rush for the drive home, completely sober and awake, crashing out at 1AM and up by 6:30AM for work and school and life. My mom watched my daughter and said, "How can you go to work after that?" I said, "It's not like I'm drinking. I may be sleepy but there won't be a hangover like 10 years ago!"

Yesterday, after just reliving what an epic set list from Wednesday night and thinking about all the concert shirts in the garage I just realized what kind of consciousness I have in the presence of live music. I have a rule that you have to listen to the band you're about to see the entire drive to the venue and possibly on the return trip as well. Some people think this is excessive. I disagree.

In this day and age you feel like you have to record and Instagram everything but I remind myself to put the phone down and live in the moment. You are never going to have that exact moment or experience again so drink it in.

My consciousness at a concert is like nothing else. I just wanna live there in that place as long as I can. I'm not worried about paying bills, waking up on time, laundry and dishes. I'm in that song, I'm in that moment just watching the music unfold before me.

I often joke that I was born in the wrong era. I believe I may be an old soul that previously was alive and attended Woodstock and Led Zeppelin shows, overdosing by 18 and then reincarnating to come back in the 80's to be this Alison. I love music the most!

Concerts are something I love to share with people too and I don't take it lightly. You have to be able to go, stand, dance and enjoy without messing it up for me or no thank you. My goal is to enjoy every song, whether I know it by heart or not and enjoy the company of whomever goes with me. So, if I've never asked you to go with me, that tells you everything...in a way LOL.

In my early twenties it was my mission for my dad and I to attend as many concerts as possible of the musicians he raised me on and then drag him to a few shows of "my bands," he could tolerate. I took him to see Lyle Lovett, Mary Chapin Carpenter, Neil Diamond, Jethro Tull, and most notably, Mark Knopfler, among others for us to truly enjoy together. These are my collections and memories and I will keep them, and possibly my t-shirts forever.

Concerts are my favorite way to spend my time. I love going to events instead of buying stuff. If it came down to "new bedspread" or "Tickets to see Cake," Cake will win every time. Concerts are my thing and I hope to keep that going to inevitably force my daughter to love them as well. Now back to updating my Spotify list!

Last Day Of 33, Whatcha Got For Me?

On the eve of my birthday, or as I have been referring to it this year as, "Just Tuesday the 26th," while of course saying goodbye to 33 and hello to 34, I'm almost forced into some reflection so just bear with me.

I remember last year going to an amazing concert with some of my favorite people around this time of year, running the St. Patty's 5K and I think there was ice cream cake. Not to mention, my mother's annual forced upon new fashion or a shopping trip with her. This year I am opting for as much calm and quiet as possible.

My daughter has promised me a "boutique" of flowers and as much as I didn't want to correct her, I did and told her she meant "bouquet," and I hope to snag some time to myself, a novel idea in motherhood.

I will say this, 33 has been a huge year for me personally in terms of growth and strength. Last year at this time I was still settling into things after surviving one of the worst Christmases of my lifetime. I was trying to scrape things together and stay positive, but I was feeling really hopeless and utterly alone.

This was before April, and in April my life was completely turned upside down in every way and I didn't handle it well. March, and especially my birthday, was the beginning of the chaos. At that time, I was still in a place of fight or flight and I was faced with having to support choices I didn't agree with, but sucking it up "for the greater good." It wasn't my best start to 2018.

This year has a much different vibe, more positive and affirming, and I'm proud of and happy with that. After a horrible April 2018, in May I took my life back. I really stood up for myself and my daughter and redefined our family norms. It was a bit rocky through September but we are still building, and growing. So this year, I'm just ready for 34.

Birthday wishes are great, but I no longer feel they are some kind of required barometer for a friendship or an attention level anymore. I feel grateful when someone remembers to text me, let alone remembers something as trivial as a birthday. I won't feel "forgotten" because people have lives and any relationship is complicated and scattered at times. Not getting a nod on a Facebook wall or a text the day of won't break my birthday or get anyone in trouble.

There aren't many years of my 34 on earth that I can recall the kind of strength and growth that I've manifested, especially over these last 6 months, so I want to celebrate that, more than anything else within the birthday. As an only child, my mom cannot help herself when it comes to making it a "thing," no matter how much I beg to just have some ice cream cake and call it a day. My husband gets annoyed I ruin my own requests by buying myself the stuff I need instead of waiting for him to do it for me.

I've decided that Jenny Lewis' new album "On The Line" was released as a birthday gift to me, as she is my spirit animal and one of my most favorite artists. She also starts her tour tomorrow, in Indiana unfortunately, but I can rock from here, regardless. I've been replaying her album as part of my reflective time because she usually writes and records all the feels I need, and somehow exactly when I need them. So, little things like this I consider part of the celebration.

For 34 I want continued growth, strength and bravery. I want to become less and less afraid to stand up for myself in every situation. Ironically this past weekend I had a recurring nightmare about still working in a place where I was made to feel intimidated, inferior and where my needs and requests were consistently ignored only to wake up disgustingly grateful that I'm no longer there. I'll take that as a good sign that I'm in a better place.

Also this weekend my family seemed to master "the chill," of which I am completely the worst. We did some household chores and some necessary upkeep, but we were lazy and watched too much TV, ate what we wanted, had a family sleepover, slept in and just bummed around. It's not something we indulge in often, even though it is necessary. On top of that, I had good conversations with favorite people about struggles and growth and about how we just need to face certain things head on anymore. We're too young to take it for granted and too old to mess around, and I think those two are interchangeable.

So 33, what else have you got for me? I'm ready for more with 34 and yes those all kinda rhyme in weird ways. Maybe the corny, dorky stuff comes with age too. Here's to growing up!

Live Music Is Living My Best Life

My first concert was when I was 13. I didn't appreciate it at all at the time. It was with a friend who was almost a frenemy but my mom made me go. It was Billy Joel at F&M college circa 1997, 1998ish. My first concern I cared about what at Hershey Stadium. Hanson. I have no shame. It was huge and overwhelming and loud but so fun. I didn't see many other concerts until I was 18, but was lucky enough to see *NSYNC in south Florida when I was 17, which was awesome.

When I moved to Oregon and connected with music to get me through all my family stuff I started going to concerts. My dad wouldn't go with me, but would drop me off and pick me up or make my older sisters take me until I was about 19 and had large dude friend to look out for me. By the time I was 19 going to concerts was like a hobby and collecting tickets, bumper stickers, shirts, autographs, anything I could get was like a sport.

Last night I went to the radio station 97X's sponsored event called the "Freebie Weebie." I drove an hour to a dive bar to get the "free" tickets and an hour home about a month ago because a band I would have paid to see, was going to be free at my favorite venue, Jannus Landing and St. Pete, a mere 6 blocks from my office. I recruited a friend and off we went.

The band has now exploded onto mainstream channels, but started with one simple hit, "Broken." I heard the song early one morning and couldn't get past how amazing the lyrics were: "I like that you're broken, broken like me, maybe that makes me a fool. I like that you're lonely, lonely like me, I could be lonely with you." I did what I do best which was find them on Spotify and immediately devour the debut album of Lovelytheband.

Last year when I found this album my life was really in a huge state of upheaval for me. When I found this album it seems to reach out to all my mental health struggles, relationship struggles, feelings of inadequacy and lonely but surrounded by people parallels. I felt like it was written for me, which I hadn't felt in a couple years so it was really comforting. I quickly found multiple songs I loved but my favorite was called "Stupid Mistakes" and professed, "We all make stupid mistakes sometimes, but I make them more than most, and it's my fault that I live my life running away from ghosts. Too many skeletons, too hard to keep them in the closet where they've been. We all make stupid mistakes sometimes you're the one that I miss the most."

Going to concerts is like a religious experience for me. The way that some people connect when they are at church is me at a concert, especially a concert where the band's entire album or collection has profoundly affected me. These rights go to: Hanson, Death Cab for Cutie, Dashboard Confessional, Rilo Kiley, The Decemberists, Cake, and Ben Folds to name the most dominant. 

This free concert event came to me with reservations. I'm too old to deal with drunk kids spilling beer on me and being unaware and insensitive. The bar fights and people too drunk or high to know they are at a show aren't cute or benign anymore, they make me jaded and cynical and annoyed. But I wanted to see Lovelytheband before they were "too cool" and lost the ability to play small venues. 

The entire night was actually great. Not only did I have perfect company, but the opening band was from St. Pete and sounded fine, the second act I had just happened upon from the same station and they reminded me of other bands I loved back in my youth and they put on quite an amazing set, and Lovelytheband played all of my favorites off of the album. 

When they played their hit "Broken" the lead singer spoke about being young and being sad but not really knowing why he was sad and said, "Sometimes it's okay to not be okay and never feel badly asking for help. Asking for help is great!" He spoke about mental health awareness and it kicked me right in the feels. It was so perfect. 

I had had a weird end to my week with amazing news, frustrating news, relieving news, extra hurdles, late bedtimes, not enough food, too much stress and just feeling anxious about multiple things. I had felt the love and support from some of my favorite people while all the while feeling a little isolated. It was quite literally all the feels and happy struggles, but struggles still and then I had such an inspiring musical end.

After the concert I had a weird, miraculous event that I can only hope was some good karma after a strange week. I had walked my friend to her car in a neighboorhod I knew well. I had just had a kind homeless man tell my tired self that I looked beautiful while walking back to the parking garage at my work complex, which is apartments with retail space. Before the show I wanted to take the least amount of stuff with me, so I took off my car keychains, and my key card for my office. I thought, I don't need to get back into the building anyway, just into the parking garage so no biggy.

I had done this once before with no issue but had my whole purse and entered through the lobby. This time I didn't need all the extra stuff. I had just text the sitter that I would be exactly on time as predicted. The night had gone as I expected which was such a strange comfort. When I ran into the parking garage, they had lowered a gate and locked a doorway I had never even seen before. It seemed to have a weird punch code with numbers. And I didn't have my key card to get in through the building. It was locked in my car, behind that gate. Oh my gosh, HOW WAS I GOING TO GET IN TO GET MY CAR TO GET HOME.

I had thought quickly on my feet and called my friend immediately thinking, okay worst case she can get me home to the sitter, we could get my car tomorrow and I'd have to write the babysitter a check or get her cash tomorrow because I locked my money safely in my car so it couldn't get lost or stolen at the show. I dialed my friend and got 3 rings in. Someone pulled in to come into the garage and the gate opened, I followed them in. It happened to be the resident that parked exactly in front of my car and I mouthed a relieved "Thank you" to her while she was on her phone.

When my friend picked up the phone after I had scampered past the huge gate, I said, "I thought I had an issue but I'm good now." I rushed to get out as if worried I'd be stuck and on the drive home was just praying thankfully. I thought, I would have been there forever waiting. Or had to make my friend drive me home. Or pay for an uber. WOW. How weird that I didn't know they had a main gate, I'd never seen it closed. I didn't have my key card, which I always do, and a car pulled in to let me in as I had almost begun to panic. WOW. I felt like the universe gave me a pat on the back after the musical therapy as an affirmation that things would keep being muddled through and I would prevail.

Music has always been a form of therapy but after last night it just reminded me that I'm at my best when I'm around live music. My voice is hoarse today, I'm exhausted and look haggard but it was all worth it for the dose of musical serenity. I feel blessed. It was worth every dime for the babysitter and every extra yawn. If you ever want to know me well, take me to a concert, it nourishes my soul to be around music and especially a good crowd that appreciates it as well.

With that said I hope to lock in an early bed time as my party days are numbered but feel so blessed to have had last night as another part of living my best life in the books. I may not have gotten a ticket stub, t-shirt or bumper sticker but I got the full concert experience and had some good karma after. Now back to reality. 

Musical Mom Moments

I'm that weird breed of person that music can legitimately alter my entire day and mood. I will listen to the same song on repeat for like an hour if I think it's awesome and it speaks to me. I spent hours of my childhood reading CD inserts, learning lyrics or just listening to the albums over and over to memorize everything. I can now remember those lyrics perfectly, the artist that sang them, and have a good idea of when they came out, but usually can't remember why I just walked into that room. Because motherhood and adulting rock.

I've been making my daughter listen to music since she was conceived and, very much like my parents, have ingrained in her a sense of epic eclectic taste. Another perk that I have, that my parents never did, was due to my 90's childhood, I know just about every pertinent Disney song by heart and often learn all the new ones too. When Moana came out I put that on Spotify immediately and tortured my daughter with "You're Welcome," on a regular basis. We still fight about me singing.

Lately she asks to listen to just "radio." Last week I was singing every 80's song and she was like, "Why do you know all of these? Seriously, Mom?" Why? Because the songs are epic and I am awesome. To me, music is life. 

Ironically, I never successfully played an instrument to where I actually learned it. Flute was like 4th grade maybe? Piano lessons 6th grade. What did I do? Voice lessons. Consistently. And then choir in high school. Sadly, I was never in a school-produced musical because the only year I tried out, I did a dual audition with a girl from my grade school that I had won out all previous solos to, and I was not picked for the musical because she was in the one last year and I was not. Politics man. P.S. she was not better than me, sorry not sorry.

Okay, back to the music. So music gets me through everything so I've passed that onto my daughter for sure. When Spotify came out, what everyone else hates that I thrive on is, you make your own playlists. As dumb as this may sound, I always wanted to be the person that collaborated on soundtracks in Hollywood. I always loved to collect movie soundtracks and used to think "Oh no, I would have put that song!," because I LOVE making playlists.

When I first started Boot Camp our trainer used to have this challenge of "Make a playlist and we'll alternate it in weekly." Challenge accepted. Even one of the grumpy older guys always asked for mine. Why? Because I rock, pun intended.

My daughter learned quickly that not only did I make her a Disney and Movie soundtrack playlist, but she could ask me to add things to it or remove them. Car rides became an adventure. There are certain songs I could never get sick of, and that even applies to Disney songs, but the "Life is a Highway" cover from the Cars soundtrack? Yeah I don't have to listen to that one maybe ever again.

What's funny is that the music my parents "tortured" me with is now what I listen to in random times of discontent. In 2018 I avidly rocked some Dire Straits, which my dad had on often through my parents divorce. It oddly hit me in a completely new way while going through a really crappy place personally and I had one of those, "Oohhhh,  I get it!," moments. 

I have a friend that claims he doesn't "Like the Beatles," and I said, "You mean they aren't your favorite thing like you wouldn't choose to put on Abbey Road for a drive home or you like turn them off on the radio?" He explained he just thought all the songs were dumb. I honestly had a moment where I was so afraid I may not be able to speak to him ever again. IT'S THE BEATLES! 

Now full disclosure, in my teen years I longed to be a Punk Rock Princess. I saw the movie Almost Famous when I was 17 or 18 and got so depressed I was born in the complete wrong era and that those days were over. But then I discovered live music and my best friend had a band that I supported blindly and they all got me into punk and I totally loved the loud and sometimes poetic lyrics. Most of it I just found fun.  

The Pacific Northwest is an amazing place for music. There was an intense Punk following and the Indie movement was huge when I was living there. Strangely I loved both. So one weekend I was avoiding the mosh pit at a NOFX show and the following I was at Rilo Kiley at some no name club wishing I could be Jenny Lewis when I grew up. My mission was concerts. I collected concert experiences and found epic bands because of it. And now have great stories!

As a result now I have the most random, and weird collection and taste for music you could ever think. Despite being endlessly teased, my favorite band is none other than Hanson, yes, MmmBop HANSON, although they are so much more than that, I can teach you! With that said, I also love Dashboard Confessional, Reel Big Fish, Foo Fighters, Death Cab for Cutie, The Decemberists, Flogging Molly and way too many others to list!

My daughter tolerates most of it and some of my tastes have rubbed off on my husband, who will always follow me to any performance involving The Decemberists or Jenny Lewis but has only been dragged to one event involving Hanson. 

I totally wish for my child to grow up as obsessed with music as I am. So even when it drives me nuts all she wants to listen to is the My Little Pony Soundtrack, I totally let her rock that over and over because it's what she loves most right now! 

I think music is very underrated in terms of healing abilities because I will say that in my darkest moments, when I've found a song or album that speaks to me and makes me feel "gotten" and less alone, it relieves so much stress. 

Music is such an amazing gift and one that I feel goes unappreciated. Sure not all music is "good" or noteworthy but if one band reaches one person who needs it that day? Mission accomplished. I hope everyone has a favorite band, no matter how embarrassing, and that they find music to be therapeutic and amazing. My days can get infinitely better with the right soundtrack. So what's on yours?