Case of the Mondays; Still Recovering From Three Kid Weekend Bonanza

This morning has been, "Just another Manic Monday, Ooooh oooh." Work has involved unnecessarily difficult customers with long-winded phone calls and the busy work seemed to be never ending. Here I am after my lunch run, finally getting to my blog and putting off a few things that can definitely wait.

So this past weekend I had my friend's son and daughter as house guests and I learned that I am 1000% supposed to only have one child. More importantly, I have a higher appreciation for anyone with more than one child, and the utmost respect and appreciation for the life and child I have created. I didn't realize how QUIET my house is with just her. Immediately, things that were once so easily done, required more tact or extra help and the things I had become accustomed to were on hiatus.

The perfect example would be going to the bathroom. Immediately I banned all children from my master bedroom and bathroom unless being given my permission for anything otherwise. I figured I needed some kind of "safe zone." I would close my bedroom door and my bathroom door but then they would bust in with some kind of issue. I couldn't even pee alone! My daughter is 6 now so I am much more used to being able to go to the bathroom alone. Not this weekend, though.

Peeing alone is like a mom-luxury that is always coveted. It was one of my favorite things about going back to work! There was no kid busting open a stall; no uncomfortable complaints about a smell from a nearby stall by the tiny person yelling at you to hurry it up. 

As far as the bed time stuff, my daughter goes down quietly and early. These kids cry loudly and go later. By Sunday I was a mombie and felt hungover from life. I could barely remember what or if I ate anything, all I knew was to have everything the kids could possibly need ever and keep feeding them. They ate their way through Saturday, Hungry Caterpillar style.

When my friend picked them up she joked, "Now you know what my life is like." I thought, well yes maybe but I think we all have a special place and special kind of patience for our own children that just doesn't always transition to "the other kids."

My husband hit it outta the ballpark helping as much as he could but Sunday morning I just hit this mental limit where I couldn't really deal very well. It was loud, there was no such thing as enough coffee and I couldn't think straight. I'd had not 10 minutes of peace because it was "take time for you, or get sleep so you can handle tomorrow." I always choose sleep. 

After the kiddos had left, my husband and I kicked into high gear on putting the house back in functioning order and by about 3PM all of us could barely move. My daughter was happy to not share and argue and watch hours of My Little Pony or play tablet. I was soooo happy that I could watch something without being chased after every 10 minutes. You could hear TVs but there was no other noise. 

What's in the Joni Mitchell song? "Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you got til it's gone?" Yeah all of that and more.

Besides the fact that we had children staying with us, I realized how much I had become accustomed to my coping mechanisms, my down time, my rebooting, and my mindful eating practices that having them disrupted, even for 48 hours just really messed me up mentally. It was like I started shutting down and not being able to formulate complete thoughts. It was super stressful.

It definitely made me ready for vacation but also made me super grateful for raising my daughter to enjoy her down time, just like her mother does. She was just as exhausted and mentally spent when they left, I could tell. I knew she liked having the company, but I also know how hard it is not to be able to just be yourself in your own place. 

This morning was a little frenzied and mentally I felt like it pushed me right back into that stressed place but I took a good run on lunch and kind of got myself out of the funk. This weekend was a lot of learning about myself but I feel good about that. I feel like the lessons were imperative to keep my forward momentum and stay the path to positive growth. I know it sounds hippie but, it feels like that is what I'm working with.

The kids had fun. There were many smiles and lots of silly memories made. There were nonsensical arguments and constant tattling. There were many funny things said and really weird things done but they had a good time.

So I'm still recovering from Three Kid Weekend Bonanza and my Friday vacation launch can't come soon enough but I'm here! I came, I blogged, I conquered! Happy Monday readers!

Early Bedtimes For The Win

All households, children and parents are different but in mine, I encourage and work hard towards "early" bed times. I've had this discussion often because most parents I know don't necessarily have many rules about bed time. My definition of early is between 7:30PM and 8:30PM. Late would be anything after that.

Here's the thing, I'm up early always since I had a baby. Sleeping in is 7ish regularly and on some freak occurrence maybe even 8ish. My daughter does not sleep in. She seriously has to be up until 10PM or so with high levels of activity to make it to 7AM. Normally, she is up at 6:30 regularly or even 6 sometimes. 

I love to go to bed early too! I love being asleep no later than 9PM because I'm up at 5 to work out and then I get my 8 hours of rest. I'm very much that person that needs 8 hours of rest and I don't even feel badly about that. 

My kid can fall asleep in a good 10 minutes and early bed times leave room for her to have a better tomorrow. When we all stay up too late, the recovery the next day is rough because we don't sleep in and rarely have the opportunity to nap. I will always champion early bed time.

I think I have one other mom friend who is completely with me on this and it works well in her household also. We both notice pretty intense behavioral shifts when our kiddos aren't rested well enough. 

I don't judge anyone for letting their kids stay up, if you all have the energy to deal with that, power to you, but I guard our routines pretty closely. It took me a long time to realize how much sleep I just need to be a nicer person and the recovery the next day is often not worth the late stuff. There are exceptions, of course, but mostly I'm that "early to bed, early to rise," nerd.

My husband gives me a hard time because I literally attempt to sleep hoard at all times. I feel like if I collect enough sleep, you know like a squirrel collects acorns, I can make it through the sleepless times better. He always laughs, "I'm pretty sure that's not how it works."

I gave being up late and irresponsible the good college try a few years ago. Not for me, no thanks. 

Lately I've just embraced, or tried to, almost everything that comes along with all this aging stuff. It doesn't bother me. I need plenty of rest, lots of water and to make sure I get some good proteins. The rest is just taking it one day at a time.

The thing I love about the early bed time stuff, is it allows me to go to bed when I need to, instead of trying to get more things done while the kiddo is still up or having to stay up way past them. My daughter throws a fit about how it's unfair that I get to stay up when 90% of the time I'm right behind her for bed time. She then gets pissy when my lamp goes off and I give up and give in to sleep also. It's kind of hilarious. 

My husband used to get annoyed that I went to bed so early and wouldn't stay up late with him for no reason. In turn I got annoyed that he wouldn't go to bed early so we kind of had to find our happy medium. It's a fact guys don't need as much sleep as we do anyway. Throw in the mom factor and no contest, we need all the sleep!

That whole "You can sleep when you're dead thing?" I get it, but sleep is my favorite hobby and I make no apologies anymore. I am every cliche meme about sleep and I own it because between motherhood and the thyroid drama, I am a much much nicer, better, awake, alert and helpful person when you just let me get my rest. Ask my husband!

I admire the moms that stay up late and kick butt the next day. I admire the moms who can still be sweet and patient with their kids up until double digit night times. I admire anyone who is a night owl because I tried and failed at every kind of attempt. What works for your family is awesome, keep it up! I however, always encourage and advocate early bed time stuff because it has worked super well for our household.

Don't get me wrong, my husband lets bed time fly. It's like a fluid concept in his world, but he is only home for bed time two nights a week if even that so this mother hen makes sure the baby chick is in bed so when that rooster crows the next morning, everyone can function! Fourth of July will of course be an exception to the rule as most holidays are but boy is Christmas Eve the absolute most important bed time strictness rule ever. That kid gets up earlier and we have to stay up later with the elves to get it all taken care of. 

So hopefully everyone has restful times and routines and I love to hear about any and all! Happy Tuesday!

Trigger-y Things, Illnesses And No More Apologies

I found this the other day after church, right before everything went upside down, and it still rings true. Now we can go back to how the story of my unravelling weekend.

You may have noticed I seemingly dropped off the face of the earth. Being sick can do that to you. So I'll tell you about my last 4 days and we'll go from there.

Saturday was poised to be an epic day. We had horseback riding lessons and then a birthday party 5 minutes from our home with some of our most favorite people for a fantastic day. It was lightly overcast and they had a pool. We were in! 

Saturday was kind of a perfect day, honestly. We were in great company. I was comfortable and relaxed. I loved the vibe and the tribe and was truly having fun. My daughter took awhile to kind of get in and get comfy but once she did, she wouldn't budge. We were there all day for a total of 8 hours of fun. I tried to leave earlier, and it didn't work, because we were just having too much of a great time.

We got home and crashed wonderfully and hard, with Sunday plans on the horizon as well. Normally after that kind of Saturday I would have insisted that we stay home and recuperate, but I was already having early coffee with a friend and I felt like I had to make an appearance at church.

Read that last sentence again. The weight of "get yourself to church," was so intense lately. Admittedly it was about 90% self-imposed, but church life had been a struggle. With my husband working 6 days a week, and now Sunday being one of them, church just hadn't factored in. With my personal struggles and refocus on my family life, church just wasn't a priority. But this Sunday, I put my best foot forward and said, "Okay, let's go." 

I walked in and got the guilt immediately and just tried to power through. The sermon, however, was super trigger-y for me from the previous week. I had recently acknowledged my recent weight gain and discomfort and had gone insanely full blast into double work outs, closely watching what I ate, and making sure I was mindful about everything. The sermon was pretty much about what you put into your body affecting your spiritual life. I had a hard time with a lot of it because for me it was far more complicated than that.

I got the gist, I totally understood all of it, but it's all so much easier said than done, and also didn't have time for the consideration of mental health issues, and addiction issues, in my humble opinion. I come from a place of mental health struggles, food struggles, and a family rooted in addiction and these things are more complicated and all a learning experience. When I found out about my thyroid issues I did all of the recommendations for diet changes only to gain weight and feel worse. Part of my depression therapy was keeping myself on a healthy balance of sleep, exercise and food and finding ways to find joy in them all. I married a chef! Food is life! So having it all tie into spiritual wellness was outside of the box enough to just trigger weird things within me.

So, while the message was positive in intent, and a great discussion it was trigger city for this girl. Why? Because I struggle to balance it all. I'm supposed to take care of and support my family, my daughter, my husband, and my dog, all while making time to work out, stay fit, and be a model for my kid, and keep us all on track for everything in moderation and it's exhausting. Look, from time to time, I want the damned Cheetos, but you learn the balance and moderation, and I follow this with spirituality too. 

Maybe it was a trigger because I had brownies at the party, covered in icing and it was the first day all week I didn't obsess over food, only to walk in and feel kind of mentally ambushed. Maybe it was a trigger because food is a serious weakness for me. That day I didn't eat anything until about 2PM. 

We had snuck in an impromptu play date on Sunday at 3PM and I honestly tried to keep the kid eating and happy but wasn't as food-attentive as I usually am. I managed a quick grocery shop in between things too. We'd had almost no down time. By 6PM we were all feeling tired and done when my daughter found her own way to end the play date, by puking on our floor.

I'm not the mom that freaks out about this. I'm the mom that calmly cleans it up, snuggles the kid and makes sure she is comfy. Thus began our long night.

She didn't stop the every-so-often evacuation of her system until about 10PM and by 9PM I had resigned to the fact I'd be calling out Monday and snuggled her in with me, kicking out my husband to the guest room, which he gladly took over. But, at 11PM something came for me by way of stomach cramps and discomfort. Mine was seemingly less than my daughter had suffered. What did we catch? Not a single fever. Both normal temperature-d as ever. We returned to sleep until about 7 the next morning.

Monday morning my kid was ready to eat. Mommy had a slight headache. We had some toast and crackers. Things were mostly okay. When my daughter was bouncing into full recovery that's when her exact progression from the night before hit me, hard and I had to call in my husband for back-up. It was discovered we had intensive heat exhaustion and dehydration. Tuesday was "learn how to eat again" and recover day. Today is my first day back to life.

I kept thinking in the throws of pain and suffering that we shouldn't have gone to church. It was laughable irony, all that ungodly food being forced from our bodies. It was not as though that had cursed us or worked against us or was somehow bad, but just that I should have guarded us better for rest. And then I found the list above. "I don't need to do what everyone wants me to do." Just because church was a good thing awhile ago, doesn't mean I should force it now, especially if it is just too much in every way.

"I don't have to anticipate everyone's needs." It's my job to anticipate the needs of my daughter, my husband, my dog and myself. That's it. Everyone else can chill out, please and thank you. Sometimes I'm a tired mama. "I don't need anyone to approve of me." Okay we ALL struggle with this one. We all want people to like and approve of us, it's completely human. This one is a work in progress. I certainly don't want to be the red-headed heathen.

"I don't have to explain myself." This one I need tattooed on my forehead because I really don't. Sorry, not sorry. No more apologies! "I don't need to feel guilty about my boundaries." No I don't, if I just need some time, I just need some time. "I don't have to say yes if I want to say no." I need to repeat this daily because I get cornered into stuff I don't want to do, TOO OFTEN. Again, sorry not sorry.

"I don't need to feel bad for staying home." Yeah I'm not doing that anymore. My home is my haven and you can find me there, and I will no longer feel bad about choosing my safe space over anything stressful. "I don't have to over-extend myself to be enough." Oh man do I wrestle with that one too! One day at a time right?

"I don't need to feel the way someone else feels." This one was Sunday in a nutshell. I liked the spirit of the message, I just won't pretend I feel exactly the same about things and I won't pretend it didn't trigger me. "I don't have to minimize my emotions." No I do not. I can feel what I want, and so can you! 

"I don't need to pretend I'm different than I am." THIS ONE! I'm a full time working mother of an amazing child, wife to a chef who are both working so hard on their marriage, and I'm the daughter of addiction, divorce and dysfunction trying to find my way. I'm not pretending to be anyone but her. 

"I don't have to put others before myself." My kid, my husband and my dog, in that order, are the only people I might "have to" put before me, but really that is just motherhood and marriage. Regardless, the rest of the world I don't need to keep putting before me and I think I need to read and write that repeatedly.

This weekend and the two sick days put an obscene amount of things into perspective for me and I'm carrying them close beside me. I was reminded that working hard, playing hard and resting harder are way more important than over-booking and should-ing all over myself on a regular basis. I realized how far my husband my husband and I have come, just in the last few months on being there for each other. I realized how much of a mom I am, for better or for worse and I should never let my guard down when it comes to momming right, if you will.

But mostly I realized I'm too old for all the guilt, drama, and putting extra stress on myself for no reason. Life can give you enough trouble as it is, I definitely don't need to make my own. For the rest of this week, I'll blog when I can. I'll do what I can, and I'll feel grateful for where I am on the journey. I have a feeling the posts might even get better as I find my footing again. Thanks for sticking with me!

The Hard Truth About Weekends

The truth about weekends is...they are hard. I will never truly agree with my husband's accusation that I "overbook," but I can admit that we play hard and crash harder.

The truth is I'm currently fighting a migraine while my daughter washes off the horseback riding, pool time and play date. I'm ready for a bowl of popcorn and Netflix and early bed. 

Tomorrow I can "sleep in," which now will be defined by getting up at 5AM taking my new medicine (that post is for next week) and going back to bed immediately. Tomorrow will be cleaning and readying for a 48 family fix of my husband's sister coming to visit. Tomorrow will be play dates and last grasps at peace. 

So without messing around much, this is it for today. Thanks for putting up with me readers. More tomorrow for sure! 

Clean Home, Nacho Tantrums, Dane Cook

To quote the Princess Bride, "Let me explain, no it's too much, let me sum up."

I'm beyond exhausted and I hit my wall. My hubby surprised me with coffee, I conquered the whole going to church thing, stopped at Target to get a birthday gift and then home to clean for 3 hours. Yes it was baseboard day. This was after yesterday we did Horseback riding, then came home to pack for visiting my cousin and her new baby, and then say goodbye to great friends, back near our house.

I finally hit my wall when my husband asked me what I wanted for dinner. How dare he. He deviated from my plans I had mentally laid out and not communicated and how dare he?!? Yes, I was tired, hangry and being ridiculous.

I threw a tantrum until he finally offered to make me my secret pleasure pig out food, nachos. Then he put on our favorite Dane Cook live comedy from the tour we saw, and left me to be lazy. Sometimes he's not that bad, and sometimes exhaustion is for good reason.

I haven't had much time to think, let alone watch, so here I am, with another tiny post, telling you that I will get it back on track Tuesday. Thanks for sticking with me readers!

The 9PM Too Tired To Post Post

You thought I forgot? I've been out all day and immediately came home to mom chores. Weekends are rough. I'm too tired to be all artistic and poetic. But I will have a real post after I scour my house tomorrow. 

The Truths I've Come To Know, Love And Accept About Myself

In my reflection lately, and coming after some kudos in therapy and in other relationships, I've realized some fundamental, unapologetic truths about myself. I feel they are share-able.

I've watched someone I considered a good friend crash and burn, manipulate, lie and create this entire life that now has produced a victim not a villain. Rather than call out the haters (which happened to me and didn't make much of a difference other than that I had a distaste for the person who did it to me that has never really rebounded), I just have stopped feeding into it. I can listen when reached out to needing an open ear but I don't ask to hear the drama.

I feel like it's a Little Shop of Horrors kind of moment where if Seymour wouldn't have fed the Audrey II blood to begin with, it wouldn't have started eating people. So if I don't sit there and welcome the complaints, hatred, self-loathing and bitterness, I'm not feeding into the anxious frenzy and making it worse. Or so I tell myself as I'm sorting this all out. 

I've also begun asking myself, quite often, how much of all of this is even my responsibility? Technically I'm responsible for my daughter, my husband, the dog and myself. How much more outside of that should I be taking on?

As an anxious depressive I've realized that my relationships that I carry beside me mirror the current circumstance of my life. So when I was an angry flailing mess, I was around people who wanted to go out and distract me from that. When I was sad and done and feeling cornered, I was around friends who had survived or overcome worse, or at least had experienced similar. When I was ready to take things back, I stuck by people with similar goals who wanted progress and introspection.

There are parts of me that are grieving some of the friend losses. They have just kind of faded into the background as though, if I haven't put in the effort the relationship is no longer there and I have my moments of "missing them." I say missing them because isn't there an age old adage of, "How can I miss you if you never leave?" I miss the ideas of what I thought we had going.

Mostly I've taken to pinning some things on my Pinterest boards and just finding other ways of coping and distraction that are less destructive than prior versions of myself. I've been watching new series, reading a lot and getting plenty of rest. I've also been investing in a better relationship with my family, which seems to be working out pretty well.

I've learned that if it's too stressful, I just don't need it. There are some parts of life that are going to be stressful, no matter what, and that's just par for the course. However, there are some parts of life that add stress because of my reactions to them. No more. I now am strong in boundaries. Some of them will seem stupid, but they are mine.

My first example would be volunteering; I used to love to volunteer, but somewhere along the line it got stressful, filled me with anxiety and made me not able to serve well because I was miserable. I carried that weight, hid it well and powered through saying it was just a funk. It turns out I was denying that I cannot willingly walk into chaos and properly serve. It doesn't work for me. Taking that step back was huge for me, because I'm very into the "obligatory" and usually end up "shoulding" all over myself. Not anymore. 

I also refuse to chase after people and be the train conductor of all the relationships. The friends I have kept within my tribe are the ones that may get busy with life, parenthood, family, spouses, work and all the things, but still take the time to say, "Hey I miss you, wanna hang out?" To me, this is everything. The distinction is clear now. This has been a struggle for me, but now I see the line much more easily.

My job is fantastic and I'm finally in a place of STEADY growth and healing. I have my panic moments of "Don't mess it up!" But, mostly I just want to keep on keeping on. The peace that has finally come, and that we have been able to maintain and communicate around is not something I'm remotely willing to sacrifice and I love being able to type that.

Make no mistake, I am not miss "happy-go-lucky everything is fine now." That girl has long since resigned in shame. I am, "Hey, we are communicating and moving steadily in shared directions, with shared goals, and bossing up mentally, financially, and as a family and let's just keep the momentum and take everything as it comes." It's not a bad place to be comparatively. 

As per my post yesterday, I definitely have a rough few weeks ahead, but last night I did what I could and slayed my extra chores. I got dinner on the table and bathed the kid. We talked about random things and read some chapter book and had mommy-daughter cuddles. I was asleep by 9 and it was heaven. We can do this. I can do this!

Even an elder millennial is all about "my" truth or "our truths," right? Well my truths are this: I'm flawed and I've made crap choices, especially in the heat of my life in disarray and denial of what I really had in front of me. I'm stubborn, an introverted extrovert, I struggle with anxiety, depression, exhaustion and needing extra forms of breaks. I get overwhelmed and defensive easily and literally think my child is the best kid in this universe. I'm also a great friend, genuinely well-intentioned, and tenacious to the point of obnoxious in some cases when it comes to making sure people feel seen, heard and relevant.

I'm still learning and taking in everything that comes with all these things. I'm still progressing and very much in the midst of the process, but I like that I'm awake, aware and always Alison about it all. And if you're not such a fan, I get it, but I have no bad feelings about you growing your own way either, in fact I'm totally supportive of that even if it means I can't be there to cheer you on!

Busy Saturdays, Borrowed Bathing Suits and Bad Texts

I'm going to be completely real...I'm exhausted from an epic day. We had horseback riding lessons and then a birthday party hosted by some of our most favorite people.

I'm insanely sensitive to new friendships. I very much test the waters, but some people, you just completely mesh with instantly. And those are the friends that hosted the party. There were other friends there and just tons of fun including bouncy slides and a pool.

My daughter's horseback riding instructor said, "You guys are so busy Saturdays!" This is factual. My daughter spent 5 hours swimming and taking pizza slice breaks while mommy indulged in deliciousness of every avenue also.

The highlight was my friend got me to borrow a swimsuit and get in the pool. I told my friend's daughter verbatim, "Miss Ali is not a pool friendly mama." I'm admittedly a horrible, horrible swimmer. To, once again, quote The Princess Bride and Andre The Giant, "I only dog paddle." I can keep myself afloat, that's it. So my daughter knows how to swim, much better than her mother.

Also, I hang out with notoriously "Hot moms." Moms that have tan, gorgeous figures with non-mom boobs or still breastfeeding boobs, and whose only traces of motherhood are cover-able stretch marks or weird new veins, so I'm not one to pool hang and bathing suit up among the glitter-ati. My amazing mom friend has like 50 bathing suits and insisted I get in with her. She tried last year...she failed. I kinda owed her.

So I squeezed myself into a busty one piece and did okay. I was impressed actually, with myself and I got major points from her, so also a win. Going outside of my comfort zone is kinda big and I totally got all in, in more ways than one.

So we meander home. I need a shower. The kid is bathed. I need to do laundry and run the dishwasher. The dog is fed and walked. But I got the bad text.

After a day like today, my ability to rationalize and be less dramatic is completely lowered. With exhaustion comes mania sometimes, whether I like it or not. So my husband sent me a "We need to talk," text after being fishing all day and my mind was quick to hit the negative fast.

We need to talk texts are EVIL! I assume the worse. No one ever texts "We need to talk...because I bought you a new puppy." Or "We need to talk...I want to bring you dinner." That just always has bad juju on it.

After I called him, he calmed me down saying that we just need an adult convo to deal with adult things, but still..ugh, bad texts. I'm currently binge-ing Parks and Rec getting ready to put myself into the shower and wash off the day, whilst fantasizing about food. 

I wish I had some cool, insightful thing to write, but that is not of today. Thank you all for reading and Happy Saturday!