I Send My Dad A Mother's Day Card Every Year...And Here's Why

I stopped hiding my insanely broken and messed up relationship with my mom a few years ago after I survived living with her for a year. If I had to say anything, and keep it simple about my relationship with her, I'd Facebook cliche it and stamp it, "it's complicated."

My mom wasn't much of a "mom." Mostly I call her by her given name and not "mom." When I was acting a fool when she lived with me, going through some of the most rough years of my life job-wise, marriage wise and in motherhood, the one moment I asked her to have my back, she said no. And that's when I stopped pretending that we were anything besides biologically related, and realized she was just my child's grandma. In turn, I think I've done better since.

My mom was never a comforting force. She was an erratic, hyper ball of fun and dysfunction. She bought me all the crap I wanted until one day, it all disappeared. She was gone for awhile when I was 12. She came back, things got ugly again and then she left until I was 16. By the time I turned 16 she had carved out a decent environment for me to join her in, and I wanted to try the whole having a mom thing again. It failed in exactly 365 days.

My dad had to be both parents a lot. He physically drove from Oregon to Florida to get me to take me back to Oregon to finish high school and live there. He was the parent that was ALWAYS there. So I send him a Mother's Day card every year.

I still acknowledge my mom, but mostly as a Grandma. If I truly laid out the honest horror of my childhood with her, not only would I ruin my ideas for a book, but I'm pretty sure she'd lose her mind and probably slip into dementia to avoid dealing with all the mental massacre. She side-talks and references the damage sarcastically. We've never had a face off; and never will.

When she was living with me at age 32, I reverted right back to exactly 16 years prior at  age 16 of acting out against her and even my husband because things were completely in disarray. Not my finest hour, or year if you will. My dad told me she used to call and email him complaining about me. What did my dad do in my time of turmoil? Pay my therapy bills like when I was 13, all over again.

My dad was the parent who rubbed my tummy and back when I was uncomfortable, held my hair back over the toilet when I was sick and puking with the flu. My dad was the one who made sure I ate three square meals and didn't inhale junk food. My dad was the parent buying Midol, tampons and pads when I needed them. My dad was the one who reached out to my aunt to help me when I needed my first bra. My dad was the one I cried with at movies and when my mom wasn't around.

My mom has admitted she was a mom until I was about 5 or 6 and then mentally checked out until her physical departure in my older years. I don't think I'd ever just blanket statement claim she was a "shit mom." I just think that she wasn't much of a mom in totality.

My mom and I have gone through good phases, but it wasn't until a decade ago that I had to be her rock bottom in more ways than one. After two years of healing and 3 years of growing up in life and in my marriage, when I became pregnant I had to level with myself, "Okay, so your mom wasn't great to you, but you don't get to take her away from your kid. It's up to her whether she wants to be a Grandmother to her grandchild, and as the child ages, up to her what relationship she has with her Grandma." This was a huge step for me.

My mom has been a good Grandma, so we mostly celebrate Mother's Day that way. But I send my dad a Mother's Day card every year. I call my dad on Mother's Day every year.

My dad was just more of a mom. My dad has been my rock, my sounding board and my reliable parent. He officiated my wedding, he was at the birth of my only child and never missed an important milestone in my life. The same just can't be said for my mom, and I've accepted that.

My dad taught me to sew. My dad helped me set up my first bank account and showed me how to write checks and use credit cards. My dad put me through college. My dad bought my wedding dress and helped me pick it out. My dad always encouraged me in times I needed therapy and was struggling. He's the best Mom and Dad ever and will always be celebrated.

As far as stuff with my mom, we just kind of float on. She drives me nuts but at least she's around. Sometimes I wish she wanted to be more of my mom, but as a mother myself, I can at least now see why it wasn't for her, and it makes me feel grateful I pushed past any genetic dispositions to point me in a direction otherwise.

The times I have been the most selfish in my marriage and my parenthood have mirrored much of my childhood, but I refuse to let that dictate the growth of my daughter. I will be her reliable parent like my dad was for me, no matter what. Her dad seems to be on the right track too so she'll be doubly strong!

My mom has the Grandma spoiling thing down. I hear her and my daughter fight just like she did with me. She often mistakenly calls my daughter by my name. And I'm glad she wants to be a good Grandma, because my daughter deserves that. With the upcoming holiday I wish everyone a great Mother's Day weekend, no matter what baggage you're carrying with you around it. 

I encourage everyone to be sensitive, maybe even overly so. This holiday is rough on many people for many, many reasons and needs to be respected and understood for it's complicated triggers. There are many different kinds of moms and this day is just about celebrating them in appreciation of all they do or have done. So enjoy the weekend, self care if and when you need to, and embrace it however you need. Maybe you have a step-mom you celebrate more, maybe you have mom friends you cherish or maybe you too send your dad a mother's day card! Maybe you have a legit mom that moms like a boss and will celebrate with you! Just have a happy, calm Mother's Day!