When it's just you and your man, you can be all in, ride or die. When you have a kiddo to consider, things can get complicated; fast. I've felt cornered a lot in the last 5 years because some of those spousal support moments have come with doubt, anger and feelings of not having a choice but to sigh and say, "Okay babe." There have been times I KNEW, with every fiber of my being, it was a bad, inconvenient, and unfair choice, but I just let him go forward because he wanted it. And to me, marriage is just supporting each other, unconditionally.
I also have refrained from the "Told ya so," moments. Trust me, I've wanted to scream it from the roof tops, but I'm a firm believer in all things are a learning experience so, I try to keep my negativity curbed as much as possible. I'm currently in a moment where, I don't believe current circumstances to be a bad choice, I just realize that it's not an easy one, if you will.
My husband is Mr. Hospitality. I mean this as he has worked his entire career in the Restaurant industry from the delivery guy to the dish pit to upper management. After all kinds of unnecessary drama, today is the day he will be prompted to step into the realm of head chef at a local and well known French Bistro.
On the one hand, I'm ridiculously proud of him. I get really angry sometimes, and sad that some parts of our extended family don't appreciate how hard he worked and how much talent he has. He legitimately is self taught or found amazing mentors. but has been the driving force behind many restaurant successes. He has often been mistreated in the wake of those restaurants thriving, in my defensive, wifely and biased opinion. I'm not getting that vibe this time in this situation, but from personal experience I know this can be a nasty business.
I will admit that this was literally not part of the current plan, not even remotely, and throws us a wrench. But, as a famous movie said, "If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball!"
I had literally every emotion all at once yesterday and had to get myself together. All the plans I was hinging on, even for today, were completely derailed. I did what I do best, and started cleaning things, the things I was told to leave for my husband today, on his day off, which he is now working on. Then I had to talk to the kiddo.
My husband and I have no talent at communicating at opportune moments. We blurt things at each other instead of have some calm, round table discussion. In the midst of mentally armoring ourselves the for the battle before us, our daughter picked up on some of the emotions flying about. She pulled me aside and said, "Mom, why are you and dad being so weird? Daddy was kinda rude to me and you guys are acting weird."
I leveled with her and said, "Daddy is just going through some job stuff. It's good stuff but plans are going to change and it's a little stressful. But I'm here. So you have me and that's all you need to worry about." She then proceeded to do a bunch of chores, unprompted, last night including straightening up the living room, hanging up blankets, putting toys away, and making the house smell nice. She's the best and I will brag about her to the point of being annoying.
We're in for a rough run; I'm being completely honest with myself about that. Hubby will be working extra and doing an overhaul in the wake of everything and I just have to kick butt at home and keep going to work and grabbing the little one at the end of the day. I can't make plans because I have no idea when he will be around and don't want to miss any family time opportunities. They could be few and far between for a minimum of 5 weeks, if not more.
We've been working pretty hard on being better communicators as significant others. We've been generally kinder towards each other and our biggest fear that comes with this huge accomplishment for him is just worrying about the weight of what it will do to our progress. It's delicate right now, and we're freshly feeling better about each other so we don't want to mess anything up. I think that's the most accurate way I can describe it.
This also isn't my first rodeo. I've been here many times in our marriage. Hospitality industry job transitions are super clunky and stressful. It's just part of that career. For me, it never gets easier, I just learn how to adjust my expectations and be more realistic about what is in front of me. Call it growth but right now, all I can do is support whatever he needs. If that means, not asking him to take on extra chores or to put away laundry, that's okay.
I told him that, yes, this isn't ideal for timing. This isn't a long term goal met earlier to great surprise. This is a new challenge and a whole new thing for us all. He will do well. He will thrive because this is what he does best, but that's not to say that some days won't be much better than others.
There was a part of me that wanted to play, "Oh woe is me," but that's not productive. I had my pouty moment, and decided to just embrace the good aspects of all of this instead. This learning experience will bring great wisdom and new horizons for him for sure. Sometimes the path to where you should be gets detoured and needs alternate, newer routes. This doesn't mean you won't get to the destination eventually. I can try and be a little more ride or die like the old days and a little less skeptical like the anxious Alison he knows and (hopefully) loves.
My plan of attack is to just keep everything awesome on the home front and mom like a boss. I'll self care if I can and try to wife it up well enough also to keep him plugging along. It's hard to explain to people how it all works and the effects it can have when your schedule and sense of normalcy gets turned upside down. In most ways this is a positive and exciting thing filled with celebratory moments, but it is a challenge and new set of responsibilities to balance in work and at home for the entire family.
Just because it will be difficult doesn't mean it's not worth it, so I'm going to take it one day at a time and probably overflow my blog with all the ramifications. For this Monday I'm staying positive and counting the blessings. We'll see what happens a week into the newness. Here we go!
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