I used to work really hard to keep family connections going. I am the queen of the check in or "pulse checks" to reach out. I will send birthday texts, sometimes cards, and just want people to know I'm thinking of them. I recently had dinner with a good friend and we went over some serious family hurdles, and I think they are just more and more indications of a "coming of age," type thing.
My husband and I get a lot of crap for moving far away. But what people, especially family members, fail to understand is that physical proximity doesn't necessarily increase the quality or even quantity of family time spent together. We have cousins that live 35 minutes away and we see them, maybe once every 3 months, maybe. We've flown across the country and have been unable to visit family whose town we were 10 minutes away from, all because of their lack of reciprocation of our reaching out to see them.
Family stuff is insanely delicate too, but in all of my personal work, growth and transitions I have learned that not only are boundaries completely okay, but completely necessary. In the process of being honest with myself about how bad and traumatic things have been for the past handful of years, I've had to tell my immediately and extended family, "Hey, I'm not really a horrible piece of shit, I've just been having a horrible piece of shit time and haven't handled it well." I've pissed a lot of people off, but that's par for the course anymore.
I've had to out myself as truly not being able to afford flying all over and staying for long periods of time on vacations. We don't have the means for all that. I've had to admit that things were not as the cutesy posts on Social Media made them seem, or as bland as I made them sound. I've had to be really open, which has been a struggle for me.
I think the worst part is you want your family to just rally behind you and say, "Oh my goodness, how can I help?" However, the reality is, they all have their own stuff and are in differently places than you are so, expectations are usually moreover disheartening.
My friend said some seriously insightful things about how when they moved away it was implied that since they moved it was their responsibility to come back and visit. I felt that, hell I still feel it, hardcore. She also said that she had to have someone point out that when you get married and have children, that's your family that you are responsible for. So if the other extended family members are making your hubby, children and especially yourself miserable, why go out of your way for them? That one hit me like a ton of bricks.
Don't get me wrong, we have family that goes above and beyond for us, over and over and over. It's not unnoticed or unappreciated. There are others that when you reach out to, may not respond as you'd hoped, and this has been my struggle and my wake-up call. As I've had to apply to friendships over and over and over again, I've now started applying to family members the boundaries to keep me less anxious in these relationships. I can't make anyone respond the way I wish, not even my own family.
I wish people would come visit us and see Luna's world. We finally have a real bed, real guest room, real house to welcome guests. I wish people wanted to dine at the restaurant where my husband has just been promoted. I wish people wanted to come enjoy our company. I've invited many a person with many kinds of circumstances and guess what? That's literally all I can do.
I can't make anyone appreciate what we've overcome to get where we are. I can't make anyone appreciate my husband's talents and hard work. I can't make anyone appreciate my ridiculously awesome child in her own element. I can just open my door, and open my heart to anyone who wants to come around.
With that said, when we do visit, I refuse to break the bank and I refuse to sacrifice my family's and my own personal comfort, just to be a team player. I've done that too much. I've eaten whatever has been served to me, whether I like it or not, and seriously suffered, all to not be called "a snob" because I married a chef. I've endured discussions that make me uncomfortable or feel unwelcome, all to remain neutral and not be "the bitch."
Call it growth, call it aging, call it adulting, I'm okay with being the bitch if you aren't respectful of my parenting, my health and comfort, and my family. I've been through enough lately than to willingly tolerate hurtful things from people who don't contribute to my realm. And that isn't meant to be read as, "If you don't buy my kid presents, I don't have to deal with you," please. What I mean to say is, if you don't call and check in on my household and make the effort to be a real part of things, even in the smallest ways that you personally have the capacity for, and then are hurtful to my family on top of it, I feel like you've given me no reason to perpetuate the relationship. Why constantly be alone in my efforts? I've done enough by myself and now I want to rebuild my immediate family life with togetherness.
I've been awakened to a lot of things I've put up with as "norms" that don't have to be that way. I'm working on so much within myself, my marriage and my family that I just can't bear the put downs or even blind ignorance. Boundaries are very trendy, and I'm all in.
Family stuff is immensely difficult. It's easy to say this, to write this and to idealize it but putting it into action is hard and emotionally exhausting. It is definitely a step closer to peaceful living, or so I've discovered. And remember, family is family and maybe someone is going through their own stuff and needs your support. You can reach out with no expectations and keep an open heart always, just don't lose yourself in the process, or at least give it your best effort not to.
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