Yesterday I missed a post and for no other reason than I felt like crap. Detoxing off the evil meds has been better but still taxing and yesterday kicked my butt. So here I am on a Saturday, writing it out and sharing all the things.
I totally just needed to sleep it all off yesterday. I slept like crap Thursday night and just needed to go ahead and sleep it all off. I was lucky enough to leave work early and rest and reboot and party with friends last night. I finally just accepted things. I have no one to impress. I'm not trying to win some beauty pageant so as long as I'm healthy, what else is there? I work out 5 or 6 days a week at 30 minutes a pop, and I don't eat a bunch of junk. If that doesn't work then maybe I'll just stay where I am. I'm still at a lesser weight than I was when I started.
Tomorrow is the Big Little Lies season 2 premiere and season one was a huge thing for me. Not only does it keep all my favorite actors in one series, but the stories of marriage, relationships and parenthood hit home hardcore. And after my disappointment with Game of Thrones, I need something great in my life.
Silly things today have made me feel like I'm back to me. Snuggling, quiet cups of coffee, doggie cuddles, fresh sheets, piles of laundry to handle, homemade salads for dinner, big bowls of popcorn, my daughter watching her shows and movies and being calm, and the rain. We needed the rain and I love the rain.
In a disappointing exchange with the nurse practitioner at my doctor's office, all of the side effects I experienced she "had never heard of that happening." Thanks for the vote of confidence. Well, they did and for now, we're going to stay unmedicated, and happy I might add. I didn't realize how not uncomfortable I was, until that nasty medicine took it's toll on my body.
I'm sorry I missed a post but get ready next weekend because this writer is completely off. That's right I'm taking 48 hours of no posting to spend some much needed time with the husband. For tonight, I'm being lazy with my perfect kiddo and just enjoying that I feel almost completely back to me. Happy weekend readers!
Saturday, June 8, 2019
Thursday, June 6, 2019
Closer To Fine: Five Bad Days, Worst $23 Bucks I've Ever Spent, Being Right Never Gets Old
I've been complaining about my Thyroid issues. Hopefully this is the last rant for awhile. So, when getting all this blood drawn they find out I'm more or less defective. Kidding; but my thyroid levels are off, which can lead to bigger problems down the road. My symptoms were pretty benign and manage-able in my opinion, but what do I know? I've only had this body for 34 years.
For whatever reasons I have a rough time with medicine, hospitals and healthcare. Not on a political level, just in general. Maybe it was growing up visiting retirement homes with my Pastor Father, ill patients here and there and my mother being a grief counselor with Hospice, but I just associated sickness and death with all things medical for a very long time.
Having spent my most formative years in Oregon where natural and homeopathic options are easier to get than anything else, that was always the first option. I remember for menstrual cramps my sister had me on all these herbs and tinctures. It was a pain in the ass but they worked! For me, western medicine was always a last resort and my body always seemed to have more intense reactions to it than most.
The thyroid thing didn't seem important to me. I had a friend suffering the same thing and she had intense symptoms. Mine were pretty standard and not severe at all. They said they could get me on meds after my May blood draw came back worse. Ironically this was after I'd done the dietary suggestions, cutting out most of my go to and comfort foods (spinach, veggie pasta, brussel sprouts, pizza and kale), and it made no difference, it actually just made me more miserable.
I noticed some slight weight gain and since I work out a minimum of 5 days a week at 30 minutes a pop, while I don't need to win a beauty pageant, I'd rather maintain than gain. So I said fine, we'll give western medicine a go. My friend said the synthetic thyroid one messed with her sleep so she changed to the natural one and has done much better.
When I called my doctor I said, "Well I want to be on the natural one." The first name they threw out wasn't the one my friend was on. I said, "No I think it's just called like, Nature Thyroid?" They diverted back to, "We'll start you on this one." The prescription sat for two days as I still had seriously mixed feelings.
I very much am coined as a drama queen about medical and prescription stuff because I've always had very rough reactions. Everyone acts like I'm just overstating because I'm not actually allergic to anything, so to speak. My husband was encouragingly saying, "They will take an adjustment but it's a good step and it will make a difference."
Let me just say, he wasn't wrong. The first day I felt so confident and was like, "Yeah this is going to make me feel less tired and be more healthy!" Day one ended with the worst migraine I have had in a decade to the point where I couldn't lift my head off the pillow and slept for 11 hours straight with the help of my old friend, "Excedrin PM." Day two I was a little nauseated and foggy. Day 3 was the first morning it was taking it's toll. I had a low grade fever, serious chills and couldn't get enough water. It was like that scene in Me, Myself and Irene where the medication gave him insane cottonmouth:
For whatever reasons I have a rough time with medicine, hospitals and healthcare. Not on a political level, just in general. Maybe it was growing up visiting retirement homes with my Pastor Father, ill patients here and there and my mother being a grief counselor with Hospice, but I just associated sickness and death with all things medical for a very long time.
Having spent my most formative years in Oregon where natural and homeopathic options are easier to get than anything else, that was always the first option. I remember for menstrual cramps my sister had me on all these herbs and tinctures. It was a pain in the ass but they worked! For me, western medicine was always a last resort and my body always seemed to have more intense reactions to it than most.
The thyroid thing didn't seem important to me. I had a friend suffering the same thing and she had intense symptoms. Mine were pretty standard and not severe at all. They said they could get me on meds after my May blood draw came back worse. Ironically this was after I'd done the dietary suggestions, cutting out most of my go to and comfort foods (spinach, veggie pasta, brussel sprouts, pizza and kale), and it made no difference, it actually just made me more miserable.
I noticed some slight weight gain and since I work out a minimum of 5 days a week at 30 minutes a pop, while I don't need to win a beauty pageant, I'd rather maintain than gain. So I said fine, we'll give western medicine a go. My friend said the synthetic thyroid one messed with her sleep so she changed to the natural one and has done much better.
When I called my doctor I said, "Well I want to be on the natural one." The first name they threw out wasn't the one my friend was on. I said, "No I think it's just called like, Nature Thyroid?" They diverted back to, "We'll start you on this one." The prescription sat for two days as I still had seriously mixed feelings.
I very much am coined as a drama queen about medical and prescription stuff because I've always had very rough reactions. Everyone acts like I'm just overstating because I'm not actually allergic to anything, so to speak. My husband was encouragingly saying, "They will take an adjustment but it's a good step and it will make a difference."
Let me just say, he wasn't wrong. The first day I felt so confident and was like, "Yeah this is going to make me feel less tired and be more healthy!" Day one ended with the worst migraine I have had in a decade to the point where I couldn't lift my head off the pillow and slept for 11 hours straight with the help of my old friend, "Excedrin PM." Day two I was a little nauseated and foggy. Day 3 was the first morning it was taking it's toll. I had a low grade fever, serious chills and couldn't get enough water. It was like that scene in Me, Myself and Irene where the medication gave him insane cottonmouth:
The nausea was rough as I'm a puker as it is meaning, at the slightest bit of anything being off in my body, I'm vomiting. My appetite was numb almost and I felt this spacey, body high but not the good kind where you're having fun. Days 4 and 5 were killer, just out of this world discomfort with low fever, aches, weird, intense joint pain and my husband said my sleep was just not well at all. I had no feeling of being asleep or awake and was relying on Excedrin PM to help the pain every night.
Yesterday I called my doctor and they have yet to return that call. I tried to talk myself around it. I tried to rationalize and tell my body to suck it up but I was like...this isn't getting better, it's actually getting worse and I just can't live like this. I had to cancel moms night out plans because I was so afraid I'd puke wine on the bar if we went out.
I made the executive decision to stop taking them. In my optimism I had gotten 90 days worth of meds and dropped $23 bucks on that stupid prescription that I'll never see again but today, without the pill, the difference is already huge. There's a disappointed sadness in me that I wasn't heard by the doctor and also, that I let everyone talk me into something I was unsure about it, but at least today I can feel that without being sick on top of it.
This morning I skipped a workout and snuggled my daughter and husband, oh and the dog too. I enjoyed a cup of coffee for the first time in a week, and I don't feel like I'm completely ill. Don't get me wrong, I have some residual but much lighter nausea, I had a brief dizzy spell this morning and I'm still quite thirsty but I can think better, I feel less foggy and my joints don't hurt. For me it's a step in the right direction.
When I was my most sick yesterday, it was after I made myself a glorious cup of green ginger tea and then immediately felt like I was going to puke repeatedly so I stuffed down some bland mac and cheese leftovers from a failed dinner out, to calm my stomach, that I realized...okay I don't care about the weight gain, nothing is worth this discomfort. Next weekend is a big weekend in my life, and we have important plans. This weekend we have important plans too and I just couldn't picture feeling this ill through it all. I decided, no more, I won't live like this.
I Googled over and over again the Levoxothyroxine or something or other side effects. I had like 6 of 9 under the "Call your doctor if" column. I kept trying to rationalize the sickness blaming allergies or anxiety or my daughter having a cough but today is my affirmation it was the pills and not me. My joints don't hurt. I'm aware and awake instead of more tired and frail. Yesterday I even stared in the mirror for a minute and just felt like I looked, pale and uncomfortable. Today I might snap a selfie!
While I'm happy I tried it, I still have this overwhelming grief of how it all went down. I have diagnosed Anxiety and Depression, which are two of the side effects of the thyroid meds. To manage those with therapy and in daily life, I have many tools but my nervousness and anxiousness just were so un-manage-able with that medicine. I wish I was taken more seriously but I also need to stand up for myself. I really do, and this was quite the rough lesson in that.
I really wish I didn't lose out on that $23 bucks, which I know sounds dumb but come on, that's half a tank of gas or a nice lunch out! The lesson is I have to be my own advocate and stand up tall about what's right for me, no matter how short I am. The truth is, I know my body the absolute best and no one can tell me otherwise. There was a part of me that hoped I'd be wrong and I'd be fine or that it would only have positive effects but I have no control of that. Being right never does get old, does it?
Today I am closer to fine. I feel so happy I'm almost back to myself. By next weekend when I take some much needed time away, I'm sure I'll be back to manage-able me and sorry, not sorry that being out of my comfort zone this time around, was not worth hurting my body. I even feel like my posts were foggy and I was so uncomfortable I couldn't even proof-read much because I was so frenzied! I'm glad to feel almost Alison again.
Wednesday, June 5, 2019
My Kid And Her Attachment To Routines
My daughter is 6 and a half going on 16. She is a sassy, fierce force and I love her even when she drives me crazy. Not unlike her mother, my kid finds great comfort and stability in her routines and not only do I feel as though this is completely normal, but necessary.
My daughter recently kept saying she was "confused" by her schedule. She can read. She has a calendar and she marks off her days. She's very smart, extremely outspoken and completely sassy. She negotiates A LOT. There is never a simple story or explanation. She talks A LOT. I have to be careful not to cut her off and stifle her and sometimes there is a fine line between disciplining her for not following directions, and let her say her piece.
It came up in conversation that I announced out loud that she is "Just that kid that is very attached to her routines and can have a hard time deviating from them, even when she's having fun, unfortunately." I regret saying that "unfortunately" because it felt like an "I'm sorry" that was unnecessary, which I'm working on doing much less of.
She's an incredibly sweet soul and very passionate about whatever it is she wants to talk about it. Her zen place is in front of any movie or series she can get into. She has just learned to harness the power of chill, quite well in fact.
We keep her busy, but she very much needs to know a layout of her day the night before or the day she wakes up to get a picture of how things will go. She could tell you her weekly school routine to the hour. She can have fun but "going with the flow," is not her forte.
I try not to tell her, "not to cry" about stuff but rather, "Okay, I'm sorry you're upset, but instead of getting so overwhelmed how about we fix the issue or ask for help?" Sometimes it comes out as "That's not the appropriate response," if I'm on a shorter fuse.
I'm a true mama bear and I think most of the people who know my daughter best realize that she just needs a little more patience and consideration at times. She definitely presses buttons with talking back. She tests her boundaries often, but sometimes when she says these crazy things, I just am so happy she's mine.
I had the sobering realization this week that when you don't know me well, and you don't know my daughter much, she can be tough to deal with, but I actually take this in stride. If you spend an hour with me, and have a real conversation with me, my daughter is a breeze and hilarious. If you're one of my best friends, my daughter is my mini-me and a total trip to be around filled with love and wonder. If you don't really know us though, you're kind of missing out.
She has a lot of traits of my husband, don't get me wrong, but personality-wise our similarities are something else. It was yesterday I realized that I am unapologetic in how I parent, and about who my daughter is, even when she's a handful. Why? Because every teacher, after care leader, care-giver and adult says she does well in the general population, so if she saves her worst behavior for me, and her bad days for me, I'll gladly accept because I'm her mother.
I don't think she's really a handful, but I think she is very reactionary to her surroundings and if things are off the beaten path, or new or difficult or very different, she can have an issue navigating them well. Guess what? Me too.
I've had to train myself to handle things better but she's 6, she hasn't the capacity to do that, yet. One day she'll get there and I'll be right by her side. Yesterday I just realized that, I didn't care if she had a bad day or as my favorite phrase goes, "she's done with life," she's allowed to be a kid with all the feels, temperaments and attitudes so we can learn from each other.
I'm sure there are some ways I'm a mean mom. Much to my horror, I now regurgitate, on a weekly basis minimum, the words of my father, "I don't care if you like it, you'll eat what's put in front of you." This has haunted me and I still do it. Unless I'm deathly allergic, I eat whatever is in front of me, no matter how gross or unwanted. I ate a lot of whole baby mushrooms coated in salt to get me through my study abroad in London because I was so grateful my host mom even cooked for me.
So, when we go to restaurants and she orders for herself, just because it's different than her idea, doesn't mean you don't eat it and you get to sit there and complain. I told her just the other night, "This is why we don't go out to eat." It's not worth the stress and dropping $10 on kid food I will inevitable take with me for lunch at work.
I also don't buy her a bunch of useless junk even if she wants it. The worst parent ever. I don't always say yes. Where am I lenient? Technology. I don't have the energy to go on some soapbox about rotting her brain. Rot on kid, especially if it's a calm escape for you, or it lets you physically rest your non-stop little body.
My kid can be attached to her routines. I LOVE my routines and I don't care how old you are, change is hard. Just because I can take out my stress at the gym or with System of a Down on a car ride home, and she needs to scream about her bath temperature and talk back, doesn't make her beyond some backwards definition of normal. We all have our ways. As her mom, I'm supposed to negotiate those ways and nurture them, and if you don't like it, you don't have to be around us. There's a sorry not sorry for you!
My daughter recently kept saying she was "confused" by her schedule. She can read. She has a calendar and she marks off her days. She's very smart, extremely outspoken and completely sassy. She negotiates A LOT. There is never a simple story or explanation. She talks A LOT. I have to be careful not to cut her off and stifle her and sometimes there is a fine line between disciplining her for not following directions, and let her say her piece.
It came up in conversation that I announced out loud that she is "Just that kid that is very attached to her routines and can have a hard time deviating from them, even when she's having fun, unfortunately." I regret saying that "unfortunately" because it felt like an "I'm sorry" that was unnecessary, which I'm working on doing much less of.
She's an incredibly sweet soul and very passionate about whatever it is she wants to talk about it. Her zen place is in front of any movie or series she can get into. She has just learned to harness the power of chill, quite well in fact.
We keep her busy, but she very much needs to know a layout of her day the night before or the day she wakes up to get a picture of how things will go. She could tell you her weekly school routine to the hour. She can have fun but "going with the flow," is not her forte.
I try not to tell her, "not to cry" about stuff but rather, "Okay, I'm sorry you're upset, but instead of getting so overwhelmed how about we fix the issue or ask for help?" Sometimes it comes out as "That's not the appropriate response," if I'm on a shorter fuse.
I'm a true mama bear and I think most of the people who know my daughter best realize that she just needs a little more patience and consideration at times. She definitely presses buttons with talking back. She tests her boundaries often, but sometimes when she says these crazy things, I just am so happy she's mine.
I had the sobering realization this week that when you don't know me well, and you don't know my daughter much, she can be tough to deal with, but I actually take this in stride. If you spend an hour with me, and have a real conversation with me, my daughter is a breeze and hilarious. If you're one of my best friends, my daughter is my mini-me and a total trip to be around filled with love and wonder. If you don't really know us though, you're kind of missing out.
She has a lot of traits of my husband, don't get me wrong, but personality-wise our similarities are something else. It was yesterday I realized that I am unapologetic in how I parent, and about who my daughter is, even when she's a handful. Why? Because every teacher, after care leader, care-giver and adult says she does well in the general population, so if she saves her worst behavior for me, and her bad days for me, I'll gladly accept because I'm her mother.
I don't think she's really a handful, but I think she is very reactionary to her surroundings and if things are off the beaten path, or new or difficult or very different, she can have an issue navigating them well. Guess what? Me too.
I've had to train myself to handle things better but she's 6, she hasn't the capacity to do that, yet. One day she'll get there and I'll be right by her side. Yesterday I just realized that, I didn't care if she had a bad day or as my favorite phrase goes, "she's done with life," she's allowed to be a kid with all the feels, temperaments and attitudes so we can learn from each other.
I'm sure there are some ways I'm a mean mom. Much to my horror, I now regurgitate, on a weekly basis minimum, the words of my father, "I don't care if you like it, you'll eat what's put in front of you." This has haunted me and I still do it. Unless I'm deathly allergic, I eat whatever is in front of me, no matter how gross or unwanted. I ate a lot of whole baby mushrooms coated in salt to get me through my study abroad in London because I was so grateful my host mom even cooked for me.
So, when we go to restaurants and she orders for herself, just because it's different than her idea, doesn't mean you don't eat it and you get to sit there and complain. I told her just the other night, "This is why we don't go out to eat." It's not worth the stress and dropping $10 on kid food I will inevitable take with me for lunch at work.
I also don't buy her a bunch of useless junk even if she wants it. The worst parent ever. I don't always say yes. Where am I lenient? Technology. I don't have the energy to go on some soapbox about rotting her brain. Rot on kid, especially if it's a calm escape for you, or it lets you physically rest your non-stop little body.
My kid can be attached to her routines. I LOVE my routines and I don't care how old you are, change is hard. Just because I can take out my stress at the gym or with System of a Down on a car ride home, and she needs to scream about her bath temperature and talk back, doesn't make her beyond some backwards definition of normal. We all have our ways. As her mom, I'm supposed to negotiate those ways and nurture them, and if you don't like it, you don't have to be around us. There's a sorry not sorry for you!
Tuesday, June 4, 2019
The Side Effects Of Attempting To Be Health-Conscious
Maybe I spent too many years around hippies. Maybe I spent too long on crazy diets and hating my body. Maybe I am just a stubborn woman, but last week I hit my max and I opted for western medicine. Today I'm struggling with the side effects.
In attempts of adulting we are low-grade insured but insured regardless. So we went and got physicals and blood draws. My 3 draws over the past 9 months kept returning worse and worse levels of thyroid stuff meaning I have an under-active thyroid. When I Googled this, turns out I had like 10 out of 13 symptoms. None of these symptoms felt, un-manageable to me. I have a hard time losing weight but lots of people do. I'm always tired but I'm a mom who works full time. I have dry skin and hair because, well sometimes that's par for the course, right?
When I switched workout routines in no way did I expect some miracle weight loss. I'm not dieting nor do I believe in crazy diets anyway anymore, but my diet hasn't changed and I've gained some weight. I work out 30 minutes 5 or 6 times a week, I haven't been eating in excess or changed my normal regime and I've gained...for no apparent reason. Not okay for me.
My last bad blood test finally brought up the idea of medication to which I said we could wait for, but with this whole weight gain thing, enough was enough. I decided to get the prescription. I have a friend who recently started treating her thyroid stuff too and she gave me lots of good resources and advice. So Saturday I started the medicine.
I have to take it at the same time daily and I can't eat food or drink coffee for an hour after having the medicine. This part wasn't difficult for me. I'm up at 5AM five days a week to workout, and if I take it around then, by the time I get home from the gym, make my lunch, make the coffee, and make breakfast, that's well after an hour. I was told the common side effect is it messing with your sleep. Unfortunately I've had other fun side effects instead.
This is day 4. Day one ended with a nasty migraine and nausea. Day two was okay but I had a lot of rest. Yesterday I had intense dry mouth, thirst and nausea. I also felt really spacey and had fluctuations in hot and cold. Today is much more nausea, intense thirst and dry mouth again, spacey and hot flashes among general discomfort. I'm told this is all trial and error but are we there yet?
I know I have to be patient, but boy is it rough. I'm not good at feeling "off." I'm not good at feeling "less than" or not capable of all things normal but I hope to push through. It's ironic that feeling all of this is supposed to get me healthier. I'm having to remind myself of the greater good, the big picture and one day at a time. Some moments are easier than others.
I've never really taken anything besides prenatal vitamins that were prescribed and it's definitely a journey. I'm drinking so much water I swear I'm in the bathroom once an hour and it takes me most of the morning to get over the spacey feeling. I definitely need a good night's sleep tonight too.
I think my mental struggle is that thyroid issues can cause heart problems so I don't want to mess around there, but unless I start to generally feel better, am I actually being health conscious with all of this? That's where I'm having a rough time.
Temporary. Everything is temporary. These reminders are crucial right now and I carry them with me. So I ask all of you to be a little patient with the blog as I'm not on my usual game right now but am here if you all want to reach out to me for story ideas and suggestions. Happy Tuesday!
In attempts of adulting we are low-grade insured but insured regardless. So we went and got physicals and blood draws. My 3 draws over the past 9 months kept returning worse and worse levels of thyroid stuff meaning I have an under-active thyroid. When I Googled this, turns out I had like 10 out of 13 symptoms. None of these symptoms felt, un-manageable to me. I have a hard time losing weight but lots of people do. I'm always tired but I'm a mom who works full time. I have dry skin and hair because, well sometimes that's par for the course, right?
When I switched workout routines in no way did I expect some miracle weight loss. I'm not dieting nor do I believe in crazy diets anyway anymore, but my diet hasn't changed and I've gained some weight. I work out 30 minutes 5 or 6 times a week, I haven't been eating in excess or changed my normal regime and I've gained...for no apparent reason. Not okay for me.
My last bad blood test finally brought up the idea of medication to which I said we could wait for, but with this whole weight gain thing, enough was enough. I decided to get the prescription. I have a friend who recently started treating her thyroid stuff too and she gave me lots of good resources and advice. So Saturday I started the medicine.
I have to take it at the same time daily and I can't eat food or drink coffee for an hour after having the medicine. This part wasn't difficult for me. I'm up at 5AM five days a week to workout, and if I take it around then, by the time I get home from the gym, make my lunch, make the coffee, and make breakfast, that's well after an hour. I was told the common side effect is it messing with your sleep. Unfortunately I've had other fun side effects instead.
This is day 4. Day one ended with a nasty migraine and nausea. Day two was okay but I had a lot of rest. Yesterday I had intense dry mouth, thirst and nausea. I also felt really spacey and had fluctuations in hot and cold. Today is much more nausea, intense thirst and dry mouth again, spacey and hot flashes among general discomfort. I'm told this is all trial and error but are we there yet?
I know I have to be patient, but boy is it rough. I'm not good at feeling "off." I'm not good at feeling "less than" or not capable of all things normal but I hope to push through. It's ironic that feeling all of this is supposed to get me healthier. I'm having to remind myself of the greater good, the big picture and one day at a time. Some moments are easier than others.
I've never really taken anything besides prenatal vitamins that were prescribed and it's definitely a journey. I'm drinking so much water I swear I'm in the bathroom once an hour and it takes me most of the morning to get over the spacey feeling. I definitely need a good night's sleep tonight too.
I think my mental struggle is that thyroid issues can cause heart problems so I don't want to mess around there, but unless I start to generally feel better, am I actually being health conscious with all of this? That's where I'm having a rough time.
Temporary. Everything is temporary. These reminders are crucial right now and I carry them with me. So I ask all of you to be a little patient with the blog as I'm not on my usual game right now but am here if you all want to reach out to me for story ideas and suggestions. Happy Tuesday!
Monday, June 3, 2019
Like-minded Friendships Spark Joy
I've had to wrestle with some friendship stuff recently. There's been a lot of learning who can be more than what Fight Club lovingly defines as, "The single-serving friend."
I've learned, the hard way I might add, that some friends are seasonal and some friends are consistent. Some friends are there to get you through a certain period, and some are just there, period. This is no one's "fault" or even necessarily a bad thing, but it's a learning experience.
As I view my life slowly crawling out of the "Pit of Despair," I realize that some friends have come to me, or stayed around me, specifically to be there to continue the support I need to rebuild. And those that don't, have walked away. And that's totally okay.
It's really hard to find people that "get" your situation, let alone those that "get" you yourself, so when you find them, hold them close. And sometimes you'll meet people you genuinely like and care for, but they just can't quite understand you. It's not their fault, but in my experience, there just comes a moment when you can't perpetuate that relationship anymore.
In the past 48 hours I've had some strangely deep and philosophical text conversations with a friend that continues to reveal just how much we have in common. We have different avenues of trauma but very much share the same outlook in life, especially when it comes to raising sassy girls, and how we spend our Sundays and free time.
We both have been through enough to recognize that while Sunday routines are all well and good, sometimes we need a break. We work or go to school full time and raise tiny people. Sure we have our partners but they work or go to school also. Life gets tiring and fast. What we don't need is judgement about having a Sunday with sleeping in, cleaning and play dates. So we've come to lean on each other in like-minded thinking and support.
This relationship has sparked joy and we take care of each other, mentally, above everything else. I love how we communicate and that we can talk about anything, without crossing any weird boundaries. It's an odd comfort to recognize the things we share.
We both agree that we just want to see more love and acceptance in the world and that we wish people could just be okay with co-existing. We both struggle with the confines of what we "should" be doing and just want to live on our own terms a little, especially after some traumatic years.
Don't get me wrong, I have wonderful friends and family in my life who get some aspects of some stuff I've been through, but not everyone can click in the ways you need. This sparked, joyful interaction also doesn't solve all my woes and heal all my wounds, but it's nice to know you have someone who can "get" you from time to time.
I can get along with any and everyone, most of the time, but it doesn't just magically make things easier. You can't talk to everyone about everything. I've been there and it doesn't work. I've said it 800 times and I will forever repeat, you have to know your audience. It just feels nice knowing that you're not alone in your ideas and ideals.
The kind of peace from being gotten allows me to reflect on the situations of unrest around me and work on being better with boundaries. Although I've been making strides, I'm definitely being tested and I just have to keep pushing forward.
It's nice to see and feel the progress, which isn't something I've really had before. I have an interesting few days ahead of me but I want to go in with all positive vibes rather than my old adage of being a grump knowing things will be annoying.
Identifying those less-than-awesome traits, is huge. Typing that sentence was huge. Finding that spark of joy in cultivating my tribe, is huge. So maybe I'm even ahead of where I thought I was. Let's keep this momentum going because for a Monday it feels pretty awesome.
Sunday, June 2, 2019
Moving From Florida To Oregon...Opposite Of What We Did
This month marks a decade of us living in Florida. Does that make us Floridians? Yesterday we said goodbye to some good friends that are moving from Clearwater to Portland Oregon. Ironic; insanely ironic.
I was listening about the excitement, new job opportunities, and being in such a beautiful place and I felt so happy for them. And I realized that we did that for ourselves, on our own and are finally settled into it.
I fell in love with Florida when I was 14. The ocean, the restaurants, the beach shops, and it was warm and sunny. The thunderstorms only lasted 20 minutes and life looked so pretty. My residence with my mom from 16 to 17 literally only lasted a year so I felt like I got robbed of my time testing out Florida.
When I was forced back to Oregon it didn't bother me. Temperature-wise Oregon was so much like Pennsylvania so it didn't phase me. I loved the hikes, the coast and the culture though. I loved the University of Oregon campus and fell head over heels for COFFEE on the west coast. I had a lot of family there. It was a new home for sure.
Oregon is beautiful. I think I'll end up retiring there when I've saved enough money for the high heating bills I will have to sustain comfort. Turns out I have thyroid issues that make me unable to deal with the cold, no seriously. I also had a hard time with the seasonal depression stuff.
I listened to our friends list their reasons for being happy to move and I sat in confidence remembering I had the same kind of list for Florida. It felt oddly gratifying. I don't regret moving. I never have.
When I had my daughter, it was really rough but some of that was due to other issues within our household, it wasn't just feeling far away. Don't get me wrong, I miss SO MANY PEOPLE, very dearly, but I like being on our own. We've kicked and screamed and fought our way to where we are but we're on the way to a better, more stable place.
I also felt some positive affirmation because I wasn't envious or jealous of people moving on and moving up and progressing in their lives and careers. I was genuinely happy that these friends were excited about a new slate, and a new place. That made me feel like I've come a long way personally.
I'm also selfishly happy, which I admitted to them, because we have more friends for my daughter in Oregon when we come to visit now. Regardless, we had a good day with good friends for a goodbye, and I appreciated all of it, especially the food.
It helped me realize that everyone has different phases, different choices, and most people will operate opposite of us, but that doesn't mean it's a negative thing. I think we all make big choices, big changes and work hard at completely different paces. What we did a decade ago and what friends are experiencing now doesn't make one better than the other, it just inevitably brings us closer.
I don't think it's a coincidence we befriended them. I don't think any of it wasn't meant to be. I know we were meant to be exactly where we are, no matter what we had to endure to get here. So in life we have our opposites and our hurdles but we still keep kicking. And I like knowing, on this lazy yet productive Sunday, that whether you move from East to West or West to East, whether you're opposite or the same in things, we're all just making our choices and doing what we can for our families and our lives.
I was listening about the excitement, new job opportunities, and being in such a beautiful place and I felt so happy for them. And I realized that we did that for ourselves, on our own and are finally settled into it.
I fell in love with Florida when I was 14. The ocean, the restaurants, the beach shops, and it was warm and sunny. The thunderstorms only lasted 20 minutes and life looked so pretty. My residence with my mom from 16 to 17 literally only lasted a year so I felt like I got robbed of my time testing out Florida.
When I was forced back to Oregon it didn't bother me. Temperature-wise Oregon was so much like Pennsylvania so it didn't phase me. I loved the hikes, the coast and the culture though. I loved the University of Oregon campus and fell head over heels for COFFEE on the west coast. I had a lot of family there. It was a new home for sure.
Oregon is beautiful. I think I'll end up retiring there when I've saved enough money for the high heating bills I will have to sustain comfort. Turns out I have thyroid issues that make me unable to deal with the cold, no seriously. I also had a hard time with the seasonal depression stuff.
I listened to our friends list their reasons for being happy to move and I sat in confidence remembering I had the same kind of list for Florida. It felt oddly gratifying. I don't regret moving. I never have.
When I had my daughter, it was really rough but some of that was due to other issues within our household, it wasn't just feeling far away. Don't get me wrong, I miss SO MANY PEOPLE, very dearly, but I like being on our own. We've kicked and screamed and fought our way to where we are but we're on the way to a better, more stable place.
I also felt some positive affirmation because I wasn't envious or jealous of people moving on and moving up and progressing in their lives and careers. I was genuinely happy that these friends were excited about a new slate, and a new place. That made me feel like I've come a long way personally.
I'm also selfishly happy, which I admitted to them, because we have more friends for my daughter in Oregon when we come to visit now. Regardless, we had a good day with good friends for a goodbye, and I appreciated all of it, especially the food.
It helped me realize that everyone has different phases, different choices, and most people will operate opposite of us, but that doesn't mean it's a negative thing. I think we all make big choices, big changes and work hard at completely different paces. What we did a decade ago and what friends are experiencing now doesn't make one better than the other, it just inevitably brings us closer.
I don't think it's a coincidence we befriended them. I don't think any of it wasn't meant to be. I know we were meant to be exactly where we are, no matter what we had to endure to get here. So in life we have our opposites and our hurdles but we still keep kicking. And I like knowing, on this lazy yet productive Sunday, that whether you move from East to West or West to East, whether you're opposite or the same in things, we're all just making our choices and doing what we can for our families and our lives.
Saturday, June 1, 2019
The Hard Truth About Weekends
The truth about weekends is...they are hard. I will never truly agree with my husband's accusation that I "overbook," but I can admit that we play hard and crash harder.
The truth is I'm currently fighting a migraine while my daughter washes off the horseback riding, pool time and play date. I'm ready for a bowl of popcorn and Netflix and early bed.
Tomorrow I can "sleep in," which now will be defined by getting up at 5AM taking my new medicine (that post is for next week) and going back to bed immediately. Tomorrow will be cleaning and readying for a 48 family fix of my husband's sister coming to visit. Tomorrow will be play dates and last grasps at peace.
So without messing around much, this is it for today. Thanks for putting up with me readers. More tomorrow for sure!
The truth is I'm currently fighting a migraine while my daughter washes off the horseback riding, pool time and play date. I'm ready for a bowl of popcorn and Netflix and early bed.
Tomorrow I can "sleep in," which now will be defined by getting up at 5AM taking my new medicine (that post is for next week) and going back to bed immediately. Tomorrow will be cleaning and readying for a 48 family fix of my husband's sister coming to visit. Tomorrow will be play dates and last grasps at peace.
So without messing around much, this is it for today. Thanks for putting up with me readers. More tomorrow for sure!
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