My MEN-Y Mistakes

Okay, so in my years of trying to be precious with my old best friend, Zane, I used to claim that he was my first boyfriend. Zane and I are exactly 4 months apart, and as babies we used to play. We were more or less inseparable during the times we were together. There happens to be one important and quite classic picture of us in diapers on the porch hugging. Ahhh, first love!

Probably a more realistic version of my first boyfriend, as memory served, would be Bradley. He was a year older - I always did like older men - we met during Pre-School. I gave him my E.T. stuffed animal because I loved him oh-so-much. We even went to the beach and camping together, or so we recall. We only broke up because he moved…and you know, we couldn’t do the long distance thing. He still has my E.T. doll.

My first grade boyfriend was James. I remember he was allergic to bees, but braved his mother’s garden to get me flowers once. Between our two families we went to the beach a few times, and even went to the Baltimore Aquarium together. We were close, until I switch schools.

In 3rd or 4th grade there was Rick. Rick gave me an “I love you” bracelet. It was one of those plastic and elastic things that came around some stuffed love-bug or bear’s neck. The “I love you” washed off the plastic heart when I washed my hands, almost as fast as we decided not to be boyfriend-girlfriend after all. I think we separated on pretty good terms.

From then on I pretty much ended up in the “friend zone” with men. For a long time, I thought it was cool. I seemed to have all the guys as my buddies, therefore I wasn’t seen as girlfriend material. It never really bothered me. I liked having guy friends; they were funny! Then, however, I entered high school, and with all the dances and social situations, one often needed to have a bona-fide “date.”

By the time I got around to asking, any of the cute guys were either already taken or just didn’t really want to go to the dances at all. I had one "official date" for homecoming of my sophomore year and he was sweet, pimply, and seemed to be pretty enamored of me. The kid would barely let me go to the bathroom, let alone do anything else that night. He was not my kind of guy but he was kind and showed me a good time so, the night was more or less a success.

After that I moved away from my Catholic School upbringing and entered the torrid environment of public schooling in Florida. After a year of sports, I'd managed to rid myself of all my “baby-fat." I’d apparently stumbled into being attractive. I got my first job at Target and met a guy. I was 16 and he was 20. Jonathan had his own apartment and was a sweet talker. We hung out for like 2 months. I started to get the feeling I wasn’t the only Target employee he was hanging around with and he got frustrated with the fact that I kept our relationship at a simplistic level. When I wouldn’t give him what he wanted, he ended it and then shortly after, he got into a lot of trouble for stealing things from the Target stockroom. I should have realized then, I go after the completely wrong men.

Yup, I pick winners. Sometimes I think that the only way I can have real relationships with guys is to keep it platonic. I used to have so many awesome guy friends and I mean actual "friends" but when I got to high school in Florida, everything changed. I’d just gotten used to that fact that I actually liked my body. It was kind of unexplored territory, discovering that guys found me attractive.

I started getting major crushes on guys after that. There were a few cuties here and there but somehow after the thieving, older man first-dating experience, my men-choices became relatively self-destructive. Not only did I never hook any real “boyfriends,” but I started to go after terminally unattainable guys.

I had a crush on this one guy in my Physics class and he came over to my house for a party once. After one too many Smirnoff Ice’s, I threw myself at him and he completely rejected me. After that I just stuck to the art of flirting. And then, one of the guys finally came to me.

I joined the Drama club and there were a few cuties but, in all actuality, most of those guys probably ended up on the other team. There was this one guy, though, that totally fell for me. I wasn’t instantly attracted to him, but the fact that he thought of me as something special was quite the aphrodisiac. What wasn’t a turn-on, was the fact that he had a girlfriend…in another state. Still though, we engaged in secret flirtations, talked online a lot, and made quite the private relationship. When his girlfriend arrived to see the Drama club play, I knew it was best to just walk away. Once I saw the girl that I’d more or less, betrayed, and she was none-the-wiser, I was no longer around just for his entertainment. So I went after one of his friends, who happened to be the lead in the play.

Now that I think about this whole scenario, and the sequence of events, I realize it’s pretty messed up. All of it! But, in the midst of what could have become some serious Drama club drama, I moved again. I was back, again, to the West Coast. Safely under the supervision of my father, I retired from any kind of dating scene…at least for the summer before my senior year.

Senior year was tough and I only made a small grouping of friends. I only needed four classes to graduate and I didn’t really get involved in any clubs. One day I met two guys, also new to South Eugene, Alex and Kevin. With having become the "odd ones out" as our thing we had in common, we clicked.

Kevin and I lived in the same part of town, were the same age, liked the same music and were both living with our fathers’ under protest. Alex hated his home life and liked being with us. We made quite the “gang.”

Kevin and I had a minor flirtation between us, but I was dug deep into the “friend zone” with him. He went after one of my "hot," girl buddies who rejected him because she knew I had a thing for him. One day we were snuggled up watching a movie and we kissed. I fell for him hard. He was my first love, but he did not love me back...at all. Even though we were inseparable, his parents loved me, my dad thought he was great, and people already thought we were dating, he never made it official. I started harassing him about prom and he kept saying “maybe.”

Then, on Valentine’s Day, I arrived at school to find my locker adorned in flowers with balloons and a note inside with a corny computer graphic of a high school couple at a formal dancing, and it read, “Will you go to prom with me? – Kevin.” I was floating on air. It was the best day ever; so romantic! That weekend he went to help me pick out my prom dress and told me his parents were giving us money for dinner and a limo. It was going to be the senior prom I’d always dreamed of. I was so happy.

A month before prom Kevin started dating a tall, big-boobed, freshman, basketball player. It didn’t seem too serious with them and he kept hanging out with me so I tucked my jealousy and hurt feelings far away. Plus, his parents hated her, what chance could she have? Two weeks before prom a mutual friend grabbed me in the hall and told me that I should find another date for prom…Kevin had decided to take Amber, his new girlfriend, instead of me. It broke me. It was one of those moments from a movie where everything just falls apart and some sad song plays in the background.

After that, we were never the same. I managed to forgive him, but we were barely friends. I started hanging out with some of his guy friends to prove I was over him and then I reconnected with someone who would change my life and my relationships with men forever. Kevin moved away a year after high school and I never heard from him again. I hear he’s married with a kid and found Jesus. Good for him!

Right around my 19th birthday I found my “first boyfriend,” Zane, again. He lived in Oregon and was moving to Eugene with his buddies to go to college. His Aunt, cousins, and his mom pushed for us to, at least, hang out a few times and possible forge a friendship. It was a success.

Zane, Mike, Eben, Josh and Scott moved from Medford to Eugene and changed my life forever. Zane was admittedly adorable, but totally into his ex-girlfriend, who was also moving to Eugene. Mike was cool and funny. Scott was tall and eccentric, and then there was Eben. He was a giant, red-headed, teddy bear, and the oldest in the house, Josh, was older, punk rock, and could buy us alcohol.

We all started hanging out because we lived 3 blocks apart. It didn’t take long for me to grab one. Unfortunately, true to form and bad habits, I picked Josh. Josh had the older man thing going for him, and he had a life story, a dysfunctional family and tattoos. He was mysterious…I later found out, it was in all the wrong ways.

I ended up spending a lot of my time paying for Josh and I to have a relationship: dinners, concerts, getting him to and from Medford. He lived with his grandparents, who had a lot of medical problems, and was in Medford a lot to take care of them. He was never that nice to me, but never that mean at the same time. Every once in awhile though, I thought he was lying to me or making things up. There was one day that he was acting a little too familiar – in ways I’d learned about first hand, after living with my mother. I started telling him he was making me uncomfortable and that it was kind of a déjà-vu situation.

Josh immediately got defensive and started getting really upset. The next day I came over to the house in between my two jobs and school to bring Josh food and I found him flirting with an unattractive and slutty friend of the neighbor. It was a little too suspicious. I pulled him aside to talk about it and he just got annoyed and acted as though I was crazy. After making up story after story and his borrowing dollar after dollar, one night we got into it and he started a screaming match. He raised his hand to me; I thought he was going to hit me but he held back.
The whole house heard him yelling at me…I think he knew he’d never escape unscathed if he touched me.

A week later I somehow ended up taking care of his little brother, staying at his house while he was in Medford. After that I left for a week to go visit my friends in Florida. Josh dropped me off at the Portland airport. I was gone the same time that my dad was out of town as well, and he said it was okay for Josh to borrow the car while I was gone. We barely spoke while I was away. I had a great time and pretended Josh and I had a good relationship the whole time I was in Florida.

The day I flew home, Josh was supposed to pick me up at the airport. When I got there, he was nowhere to be found. He didn’t have a cell phone, and his Grandparents had no idea where he was. He was more or less MIA. I called Eben and Mike franticly. I could have called my sister but it was too embarrassing. Four hours later, with Mike and Eben halfway there, Josh just appeared, and was then pissed off at me because he’d been searching for me for 30min.

He put me in the car-which was filthy- and had Eben’s dog, Harley, running around in it and told me that things were bad in Medford, and he’d be moving back there. He also told me that the guys in the house had turned against him and kicked him out of the house, and out of the band. He made it sound like I should hate them too but my heart was with the boys. I was going to stay out of it. He took me home, I fed Harley, he spent the night and then asked if he could borrow the car for two days to tie up loose ends in Medford.

Of course I said yes. I could ride my bike to work, no problem. That night he told me he loved me. I said it too, unsure, of if I even meant it. The next morning he left. I walked over to the house to give Zane, Mike, Eben and Scott the silly shot glasses, key chains and Florida touristy stuff I’d picked up for them on my trip. Scott started off on some stuff about Josh stealing from people, and I didn’t know what to say.

I went up to Mike and Eben’s room and they told me what happened: Josh had lied to us all – he’d had a severe pill problem. He’d been buying and stealing pain pills from the neighbor, stealing money from his roommates to get it, lied about any, and every job he had, and had run to Medford to stay off the radar. He tried to steal Harley the pug, and had put his little brother in the middle of it. Worst of all, he had duped me into giving him too much money-which the guys never knew about until that day- and now he had my car.

Mike and Eben drove me to Medford to get my car. This time the bumper stickers came in handy. My dad was away this whole time. I almost had to report the Echo stolen. But then we found him. Eben knew all of Josh’s hiding places, and we found him and Harley at his mom’s house. I told him to give me the car and the keys, and Eben took the dog. Poor Michael, Josh’s little brother, had come to be quite close to me and looked at me with concern. He asked “Alison, what’s happening? What’s wrong?” I looked and said “It’s fine Michael, get in the house, I need to talk to your brother.”

I don’t even really remember what I said but I couldn’t even look at him. I remember yelling about him lying to me and about him acting as though my actions were so rash. I told him I almost reported the car stolen. I was in tears, mostly mad at myself. I left and never saw him again.

That night I just wanted to see Zane. He’d gone home to be with his parents in the wake of all the drama. He didn’t really want to see me, or now that I think about it he didn’t want to at all. His then-kind-of-girlfriend, Veronica, gave me intense chocolate cookies to accompany me on my tearful journey home.

The next day I had to break the news to my father. I also found letters in my trunk from Josh. They were for everyone in the house…but not a single one was for me. All of them were apologies…and I didn’t get one. The only thing my dad said was that he hoped that after all of it, I didn’t lose faith in people as a whole. I was pretty broken. I wanted to stay away from guys…for a long time.

But, a month later, the best thing ever happened. Eben and I had always been best friends. He was always great to me. I felt safe with him. Then one night, after grabbing some movies and hanging out, he kissed me. At first it was weird. I didn’t know if we could take the relationship there.

Apparently he’d loved me since he met me, and wanted to make sure no one else stole me away. The whole house was excited for us to be together, believing that we both deserved some happiness. We started dating and made it for about 6 months before I got a little freaked. This was my first big relationship with meaning. We had some serious speed-bumps and potholes in our way. We were so young, but he stuck with me and I put everything into being good to him.

I’ll be honest, I messed up a lot. I picked fights that were irrelevant, I put too many other people before him, and I let other people interfere in our relationship but the love was always there – still is! We made it a little over a year and then—here is something you may not know: After One Down Enough lost their bass player to a Yoko Ono type, Eben and I broke up for 6 months. That’s right! Eben and I had this great relationship but when Mike left the band, the house and his best friend, Eben, all to be with his new love, it shook us all.

Eben and I decided that if we couldn’t be friends after dating, we couldn’t be together at all. So we pulled a “Ross,” a very “Friends”-esque situation and took a “break.” Eben dated one chick a little bit and I dated someone new as well.

I met Brady through Zane – another red flag - so far only one guy I met through Zane worked out, even Zane and I as friends ended tragic and dramatically! Anyway, Brady was tall, lanky, handsome and kind of a preppy kid. He was way out of my league but somehow I’d attracted him to me.

Brady took me on actual dates. Eben always did too, but Eben was the first. I didn’t know this was common with other guys. Brady picked me flowers, bought me dinners, drinks, let me control the remote, hang with his friends, all of it. He was sweet. But he got mad about the silliest things. In my effort to play everything right and avoid the games guys play, I guess things kind of went awry.

Brady had a psycho ex-girlfriend who called my phone and wanted to be friends. Brady would get drunk and be totally into me, then the next day, put me down. He didn’t want to take our relationship anywhere because he thought I was still attached to Eben. In some ways, I totally still was, but Brady never even gave us a real chance. Then, one night, his friends psyched me up to make him forget his psycho-ex that they all hated, and go reel in Brady. Brady had a lot to drink. I was going to stay over at his place but instead Brady told me I was a complete waste of time and he wished we’d never met. I left and decided I was done with the bullshit.

One of his friends asked what happened and I said, “For all intents and purposes we broke up.” I was well aware I was never his girlfriend but after three months of hanging out that’s what it felt like. Brady called me the next day, acted like nothing happened, said he didn’t remember saying that to me and then got annoyed I actually said the words, “broke up” about our relationship. He seemed to still want to hang out but I wasn’t into it.

True to form I ended up dating his friend for two weeks. His friend was apparently into me and I kinda thought he was cute too. Matt was the worst kisser ever! I should have known better. He also liked to parade the fact that I said we could hang out, in front of Brady. It was fun at first but then it got old, and so did being around Matt. He really liked me. He called me, text me all the time, and always wanted to hang out. I liked the idea of Matt, but we didn’t mesh well. Truthfully, I missed Eben.

Then I found out that Matt had bragged to Brady and the rest of Zane’s co-workers about his relationship with me, therefore I told a completely different story, out of pure anger and disgust that I’d managed to pick another, typical, shitty guy.

Eben and I started hanging out and talking about what we wanted. And we wanted each other. Two months later we made it official again, on what we call our “fake-iversary.” We had three perfect months together before we hit our next bump, which was my fault – as per usual. We bounced back okay.

Eben and I have always struggled well together, sharing battle wounds. We had a tumultuous two years after that. We got back together in January, moved in together in April or May, I left for London for three months in August, and came back late November. The time apart allowed me to heal. I’d unraveled myself into mess after mess. The only consistency in my life was the fact that Eben occasionally rolled me back into one piece again.

When I got home things got crazy. School was intense, friendships were more so, and my relationship with my family was all over the board. Between my Grandmother, my mother and my relationship with Zane, things were constantly throwing me for a loop. Eben stood by my fits, my self-destruction, and my wavering self esteem, always there to be my rock.

After 2008, a terrible year, the beginning of 2009 taking a turn for the worse, Eben and I reached a crossroads. Eben knew I was dying, emotionally. I wasn’t the girl he fell in love with. She was buried deep within the pain. It was a pain he didn't fully understand. He knew I was still in there but, I really needed to find her. I made a decision to make some real changes.

I was in a deep, dark, and scary depression. I sought counseling and started really talking it out. I did group and individual therapy. For awhile, I had a great web of support from friends and family. This time, when it all came crashing down, I had me, and then, just Eben and I together, as one, to weather the storm. He felt the pain too this time. It wasn’t just my crazy dysfunction. We were finally whole, and together. Eben and I did months of couples counseling to take us to the next step in our relationship, to really commit.

We’d talked about getting married and knew that whenever it happened we were going to move in a positive direction and finally just be "us." In all of my MEN-Y mistakes, Eben was the right to my wrong. And now he helps me write my wrongs.

Eben has given me the kind of love I never thought possible. Sometimes it still scares me; all of it. Sometimes I cry thinking of the pain I caused the only man who has loved me unconditionally. Sometimes I cry for the loss of time playing games and making the mistakes I did. But, now I’m just glad we escaped from all of it together, closer and better off in the end. I've gotten to the point where I'm thankful I made my mistakes.

We all have lists of regrets, things we wish we could take back…but if doing all those fucked up things and dealing with all of those fucked up men, is what brought me to my white knight, my Eben, my LOBSTER, I wouldn’t change it for the world!

To think we will have been together 6 years (give or take 6 months ;-) in October, and have been married a full year in June…I am so lucky, and I know it every single day! The one mistake I will never make, is risking my relationship with Eben ever again!

Ben Harper and the Relentless 7 Rocked the Ritz Ybor on May Day!

To start off May, and end their tour, Ben Harper and the Relentless 7 came to the Ritz Ybor to rock his fans and melt our faces before continuing on to play a few festivals this summer. I hadn’t seen Ben Harper since just before he and the Innocent Criminals took off in 2003, touring and making albums like “Diamonds on the Inside.” Saturday May 1st, 2010 Ben was back with his new band and a completely evolved sound.

As a huge Ben Harper fan, I can tell you I’ve followed him for years. He won me over with “Burn to Shine,” I backtracked into “Pleasure and Pain,” “Welcome to the Cruel World” and “The Will to Live,” and was hooked waiting for the release of “Diamonds On the Inside.” When “Both Sides of the Gun” and “There will be Light” came out, I was already in love. I’d only heard bits and pieces of his work with Relentless 7, but I knew I was in for an amazing night.

To open up the evening the crowd met Alberta Cross. On disc they seemed a bit too whiny but live they were really entertaining and brought a certain stage presence with them that the audience loved. As a Ben Harper fan put it, they were “like Black Crowes and Kings of Leon met and had a baby and produced this.” The lead must have channeled some Jack White to make for his gestures and his aura while singing. The crowd was filling in while rocking to Alberta Cross’s beats waiting for Ben Harper and the Relentless 7.

Outside the Ritz Ybor I heard it was going to be a three hour set. I thought it may have included the opening band but I wouldn’t put it past Ben Harper to play himself, his band, and his audience into beautiful exhaustion.

Around 10pm Ben and the Relentless7 took the stage. The crowd went wild and everyone was dancing, hooting, hollering and staring hypnotically in awe of the musicians. Ben switched guitars with almost every new song – he had acoustic, electric, and lap guitars galore. Every time he transitioned from one instrument to another his fans seemed to get more and more anxious to see what he would do next.

He played every note and sang every tune with such intensity that he kept his eyes mostly closed while playing, as if to stay completely centered with the music. He rocked so hard that three songs in he was drenched with sweat, which prompted the ladies of the crowd to yell for him to “take it off!” He mentioned in the Creative Loafing interview with Leilani Polk that the chemistry and dynamic with the Relentless 7 was so “organic.” This was something made very clear as the show progressed all night. Harper also mentioned that the album and the music made the band and that the band didn’t just create the music. This was evident as well.

He shocked a few fans by not only playing most of the songs off of “White Lies for Dark Times,” but by revisiting some of his work with The Innocent Criminals and his earlier albums. He opened up with “Diamonds on the Inside,” later played “Amen Omen,” and “Better Way.” “Boots Like These,” “Number with No Name,” “Feel Love,” and “Why Must You Always Dress in Black” were big crowd pleasers from his latest work.

He was able to take the fans up, rocking loud and really grooving with them, and bring ‘em back down into slower songs, easing into the next big jam session. The Relentless 7 wowed on the drums, guitar and bass, perfectly complementing Ben’s every whim, note and move. Just when you thought the song was over, or a musical moment had ceased, they blasted out a tune roping everyone back in.

It was a spiritual kind of performance. Ben Harper and his band had developed a new kind of sound, much harder than that of “Both Sides of the Gun.” While some could feel Ben is a somber, low key kind of musician, with the Relentless 7 he is raw, empowering and demands that the music truly moves the listener. An audience member claimed that this was his only album you could really dance to, and everyone else seemed to agree. Standing still was not an option.

After two hours…it seemed like the three hour set rumor was very true and we still had quite the musical journey ahead of us. Around midnight they closed the evening. Ben reappeared for a slow solo encore, bringing a few fans to tears, then left again to be beckoned back onto stage with the band for an amazing finale. To finish on his lap guitar, not only did he take his solo to another level but was able to balance his metal finger slide in such a way to create a sound that was paired with his finger beats on the base of the guitar to sound like a heartbeat. This made for an ominous end to the evening.

Picks, drumsticks, set lists, and then even his metal finger slide were given to his fans. Harper thanked the crowd profusely for being such a wonderful audience. It was an epic evening, to say the least. Ben Harper and the Relentless 7 were very much – pun-intended – relentless in pleasing their fans and making the ending of their tour at the Ritz Ybor, something to remember. After three hours, they left the crowd wanting more, and waiting in anticipation for the release of their next album. Everyone seemed to be happy that he was “Relentless Ben.”