I've had a lot of people ask me if I've shared my story about that morning a year ago. For those of you who are closest to my family, you know it well. Or maybe you heard about the actual accident but not what made it such a profound, life-changing thing. For anyone reading this who has only known me a short time, I write like a pissed off teenager, so don't be offended when I swear. For those of you who knew me before I became a Chriss, or for some, before I even met Eben, you're in for quite a story. Sit tight. I tend to ramble.
If you're up for a read, please continue. Because this isn't just about a car accident. This is about how one day and one moment can completely alter your perspective on your situation, both in that moment and how you see the world in it's entirety. Before we dive into the worst morning of my 32 years on this planet, I will give you a brief History of Chriss; not a history of us as a family, but where we were in our lives when this event rocked our existence.
Eben and I had just celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary. All I could think of was the, "Seven Year Itch" thing. The year of 2015 was a huge one of change for us. Eben took a big career leap and I stepped up as breadwinner. With that came a seriously tight and controlled budget. I also took charge of getting our debt taken care of because in 2014 I was completely mortified and humiliated to realize we were undesirables as potential homeowners. We were living paycheck to paycheck, direct deposit to direct deposit.
I don't know many people who had a stellar 2016, but when June rolled around Eben and I weren't in the best place in our lives, our marriage, or even our friendship. Most people won't admit that, let alone write it down, but I will say that marriage is pretty much no longer cupcakes and rainbows after the honeymoon. It turns out you have to work hard in life, and work hard on your loving commitment and partner's needs to function well. It's often tough to feel much more than that you're going through the married motions. We were functioning but that was about it.
Eben may offer a different view, but in my mind, he was miserable working a less-than-thrilling job, although he loved the people he worked for and the work itself had it's limitations. It fit our needs. I was uncomfortable for the last year or so at my job because my best work buddy moved on and I didn't really fit in. There were parts of my job I loved, but I kept having to talk myself into why it wasn't really making me miserable, reassuring myself it was just my shortcomings that made things difficult. Mostly what I loved was the opportunity to make more money, although you have to bust your ass to get commission in this world. To put it simply, Eben and I were burned at both ends and scraping by to raise our perfect little 3-year-old redhead, Luna.
In the wake of feeling the weight of the world on us, me especially, and just trying to make ends meet and find some peace, Eben was about to leave for a week to check on his dad's health in Oregon and I thought we needed the break from each other. We had been having that never-ending fight of, "This is why you're an asshole and you need to change," with responses like, "I wouldn't have to be such an asshole if you'd quit being such a bitch and lay off of me!" We never got anywhere. We were on the long journey to the middle. We were just conforming to the day to day routine to coexist. In our softer moments we would sneak a movie line jab of, "I love you, but I don't have to like you right now," at each other, but that was the extent of it.
We were in a shitty place but we had decided not to let our anniversary go un-celebrated. Our favorite, and insanely expensive French restaurant, had a frequent diner program and we were one card away from a free meal. All we would pay for was booze. We are Irish, so we can drink our money quite well but if you've met us, we can also eat most people under the table. It is impressive we aren't morbidly obese. I bribed a friend to give us one of their cards so we could live large on the anniversary. I got a free sitter the weekend before the big anniversary date and we went out in style.
That was a good night for us. We had good wine and admitted to each other that we were horrible to one another and needed to make better choices. With the ambiance it was easy to buy the sentiment, just as easy as it was to buy the dessert. But two days later it was our actual anniversary and Eben insisted we get really good Chinese food. I, however, needed new makeup. We couldn't afford both. In an effort to save I tried a new makeup line at Walmart even though I detest having to shop at Walmart. Doing that and dinner with the toddler was stressful and I was in a horrible mood on that Tuesday. The food was at least good and I think then Eben conned me into champagne to drown my worries.
The next day Eben was supposed to take Luna to a water play event at our local church, so they would be dropping me off at work and then going to play, getting things done around the house, which was filthy, and coming to pick me up before Eben went to work. I went to Boot Camp that morning and came home to get ready. This next part is one of those moments they would deadpan back to in a dramatic movie. I remember Luna was running everywhere, Eben was still asleep and I was using the last of my makeup. Luna was climbing on the toilet to watch me, bugging me as I ran around half-dressed yelling for Eben to wake from his stupor. I distinctly remember staring into the mirror as I put my eyeliner on and thinking to myself, "How will we ever get our own house? How will I ever get what I want out of life? This feels impossible." And in that moment I gave myself a stare and told myself, "Fine, I'll fucking do it all myself if I have to." I rushed to get all three of us out of the house on time, and was not successful.
I had had this weird thing about not letting Luna leave the house in pajamas. We might not have our lives together but we should always be able to put our child in real clothing to leave home. June 15th, 2016 Luna left the house in her pajamas and we left in a frenzy. On the way to work -- the same way we take every day -- we were at the signal to turn left onto the street we always take, and in the intersection we saw an accident happen. Not a big one, no major injuries, but it blocked the traffic and I was already bitching about being late. Eben saw an opening to take the long way, so as not to sit and watch the circus, and took it. I want to add, we had never, ever, ever taken that way to get me to work. Ever. Mostly because the highway my work was situated on was scary and dangerous, but that route was also completely out of the way on a normal morning.
I remember making the left onto US-19 and looking at the one-mile plus long line of traffic parked on the highway and complaining. I was bitching at Eben as Luna blissfully watched Chicken Little on Eben's phone in her car seat. I remember saying, "Look at this parking lot as a highway! It's going to take me forever! I'm going to be late. AWESOME!" We fought about the lateness and then Eben refocused my energy on the weird Volvo hatchback in front of us. Then I put my phone in my purse and put my purse on the floorboard. That was when it happened. And I'll never forget the sound, although I'm pretty sure I got knocked unconscious for the actual impact.
We were completely stopped for over 3 minutes when a red Ford F-150 slammed into the back of Marietta the Matrix, the first car we had ever purchased on our own, going a whopping 45+ miles an hour. June 15th, 2016 right around 8:25am our world was rocked. There were no brakes. I didn't hear the breaks. I remember the sound of the crunching metal and the broken glass. Just writing about it makes me shiver and cry. We were smashed into the weird Volvo hatchback, which his another car and a Suburban stopped the impact. We ended up completely turned around on 19.
I woke quickly out of panic and adrenaline into a fog from the impact. I came to screaming and punched the shit out of the airbag to free me to get to Luna. Nothing else entered my mind but that baby. Not Eben, not me. LUNA. I got myself turned around to see her coming out of the shock from the hit with fluttering eyelids. There was a burst of dirt, and debris; a haze. Among the deafening noises from the impact I heard Eben moaning and just started yelling at him about the baby, my baby, about my Luna. My seat had crushed her legs from the airbag throwing me back. I WANTED OUT OF THAT FUCKING CAR.
I started yelling at Luna trying to get her to wake. A bag of gardening dirt had popped open from the trunk and covered us in a fresh brown confetti. Luna looked dirty and fragile, with a small scrape under her eye. She was slowly coming to as I tried to Hulk-smash and grab my seat back to free her. After several failed attempts and not thinking clearly enough to use the lever designed to adjust it, I just unbuckled her from her car seat with trembling hands so someone could free her. That's when I tried to open my car door. It wouldn't open and wave two of panic and hulk mom came in. I realized we couldn't get out I used my Croc wedges, half off of my foot, to try and kick the door out screaming, "My baby! Someone please get my baby out of the car."
The getting out of the car part was and still is blurry. I can tell you that an angel named Penny got me out and helped me sit on the median. An off-duty security guard was holding Luna as she whined and cried but somehow wasn't in hysterics. I could see her ankles turning purple but I couldn't quite grasp everything at that moment. An off duty EMT got Eben out. As horrible as this sounds, I didn't even care about Eben. I left him in that car. But I didn't care about myself either. I just cared about Luna. I remember being afraid she was severely hurt and crying, "She's so smart, please don't let anything bad happen, she's so smart!"
The security guard just comforted Luna. He held her, standing straight up and keeping her close. He was just sweating and calming my toddler until the ambulance arrived. Eben was holding his ribs and looked completely confused. They got us both sitting on the median of the highway and Eben started petting my leg and slowly saying, "It's okay. We're okay."
I remember looking at Luna and then someone asked me, "Are you okay, Ma'am?" I remember saying, "Well yeah, I think so, my head hurts, but..." That's when I reached behind my head to touch and I remember pulling my hand back and it was completely covered in blood. "Oh my god!," I screamed and my hand shook. It was at that exact moment that I looked at my daughter, bruised, dirty and scared, and then looked at my delirious husband and somehow thought this was a punishment. Punishment for what? For anything! For not being a good person, for taking my family for granted, for not being enough of something! Yes, punishment crossed my weary mind.
It seemed like the ambulance took forever. Penny later confirmed it kind of did. They were asking us all kinds of questions. I remember the driver of the truck, who of course was unscathed, coming to me frantically to apologize saying he had kids of his own and he was horrified. He looked oddly familiar to me but I couldn't place him in the mania. We found out a week later he went to our church. Eben was extremely confused. When the EMTs arrived they asked us everything and Eben had no idea what year it was. He thought Bush was still president. They got him loaded up for the head trauma unit and on his way to Bayfront in St. Pete. They kept Luna and I together. There was another woman at the scene who let me use her phone, because I needed to call work. It was the only time I had ever called out.
I could barely hear the receptionist and she could barely hear me. It didn't work. Then Penny brought me my purse and I called. No one that I trusted with the information was immediately available and it ended up falling on the owner's son. I'm sure I scared him to death. When Penny asked me, "Do you have anyone who you would want to call?," I felt so lost. We lived nowhere near family. And the closest family members we had weren't necessarily good in a crisis. There were two options, and the first had a 4 month old baby so...not very conducive to an all day hospital affair. The other option was less than 2 miles away, Luna knew her well, and I knew she was the best mother ever who could handle what we had been through.
I called my in-town Boot Camp mom, Colleen, and she somehow beat us to the hospital. By the time they loaded us in the ambulance they put me on the flat board with the neck brace-thing, and Luna in a new car seat safely, she was coming to more and more and asking for water. The EMT who rode with us said as a medical professional he needed to suggest a neck brace on Luna but as a dad, it could agitate her and she seemed good, so we should let her be, but he did have to suggest it medically. I went with his fatherly opinion. When she started talking with the guy about Chicken Little I cried in relief. They kept calling me Mrs. Chriss and it sounded so weird to me. We didn't even have insurance, should I just be "Unfortunate Mom of adorable toddler?" That's all I was, just Luna's mom, bruised and worried. That was it. Penny had a daughter less than a year younger than Luna and loaded us up with snacks, coloring books and juice and then went on her way.
When they got us in, they kept Luna and I in the same room. Colleen was right there and I remember saying to her, "Oh, thank God, please stay with Luna." They were asking me everything. I hurt everywhere but my head was throbbing. I was also getting more and more fatigued. They separated us for X-Rays, Colleen followed Luna for all her tests, and then they went to check all my internal damage. They had to cut off my work shirt, which was covered in blood down the back but I said they couldn't hurt my bra. It was new and expensive; we could barely afford it as it was so I certainly couldn't afford to have it ruined.
I shivered and was uncomfortable through all the tests. The worst was the CT scan, I almost vomited and passed out. Colleen stayed with Luna for everything and updated me, my head feeling worse and worse. When we met back in the room they told me the news for both of us. I was very very bruised, with the worst of my injuries being a laceration on the back of my head that would require staples. Luna had two broken legs. One full femur and the other clean at the ankle. I remember her yelling at the nurses with her sass, "Just leave me alone guys! Get off of me! No don't touch!" When they told her they needed to cut off her pajamas, she thought that was the most awesome thing ever and calmed down a bit.
They told me that Luna needed surgery to get her put back together, that I'd be discharged and we would be taken by ambulance to St. Joseph's Children's hospital in Tampa. Eben was at Bayfront but we had no news. Colleen had called his job and told them he wouldn't be in. They gave Luna something for the pain and Colleen said she would get me some clothes from Target and help us get settled, meeting us over in Tampa.
I remember when they put the staples in my head only two legitimately hurt. One of the sweet nurses helped clean up my blood soaked back. I thought I could at least sneak a nap but being uninsured, they let me go quite quickly. I had to wear XL green scrub pants, hospital socks and one of Colleen's son's fishing shirts in the ambulance ride. This time I had to sit up front. When they loaded us up, it was tough to get in. I'd been hurting more and more. With till no update on Eben, I faced my next mission: making sure someone took care of the dog.
I quickly sent a text to Eben's best friend, Matty, who had our spare house key and stayed with us from time to time. I told him not to freak out, but let him know what happened, and why we needed care for Brodie the pug. He couldn't get away from school and work. It was then that good intentions went awry and social media hell broke loose. Matty posted something sweet asking for prayers for us and tagged us on Facebook. My phone went INSANE. Everyone was checking on us, everyone was worried and freaking out.
We got Brodie care in place and arrived at the Children's hospital. I could tell how good I looked by the reactions of the nurses watching me hobble slowly behind Luna in the hospital bed with splints. We were in the waiting area and they started talking about surgery and doing MRIs and all the things. When they got her comfortable and rested, that's when I had to address the Facebook onslaught and hysteria. I called the important family heads and started a phone chain. I posted letting everyone know what was going on, as much as we had known at that moment. Colleen brought me warm clothes, shoes, and magazines and got me some soup because I hadn't eaten. Luna could have nothing, not even water because she was officially"pre-op."
The chaplains between hospitals acted as communication letting me know that Eben was fine and stable with only minor, short term head wounds. When we got in our official room later, we could call him. After the Facebooking, and during the whole just sitting and waiting thing I checked in with some of the people closest to our hearts. I managed to keep it together and not break down, until I spoke to my lifelong friend, Angela, and I finally broke down crying while looking at Luna asleep on the bed and admitted, "This really fucking sucks."
I'd left my mom a message but was relieved she lived 4 hours away and had yet to return the call. When my Pastor and friend, Kevin, messaged me saying, "Hey I want to be there for you, is there anything you need?," my quick response was, "A phone charger," and reply his was, "I can do that!" At this point I will confess that my lifelong argument with my faith, my love-hate relationship with religion, God and all things preachy and such, was not what I wanted to deal with. I didn't want prayers, I didn't want someone to hold my hand and assure me God would take care of us. I needed someone to just sit with me and let me feel like everything was fucking horrible that day. I just needed time to process it.
When Kevin arrived and saw Luna, he looked mortified. And that was some of the best comfort I had received all day. Yeah, shitty things really happen sometimes. Colleen stayed with me through when we met the surgeon. She even dealt with my crazy mother. The accident happened at 8:35am and Luna was due for surgery around 8pm. It felt like the longest day ever.
The surgeon came to show me everything and explain it to Colleen and Kevin and I. Luna gave the surgeon the stink eye and was super sassy and rude. The surgeon said he liked that kind of attitude and it would serve her well in her recovery. One thing not every person knows about me is my struggle with depression and anxiety. It was diagnosed and I got treatment in my early twenties. It's not something easy for me to talk about. I overthink, I stress very easily and I always worst-case scenario everything. So, I was ready to hear that Luna would have Forrest Gump-like metal braces, she would be in a wheelchair for years, or that she would have a long recovery. It was then that the surgeon said the magic time frame of within 6 weeks! In just 6 weeks the casts would be off and recovery would begin!
The following Sunday, Kevin mentioned us in his sermon. Specifically about how he could see the faith coming over me as this happened. Without even hearing myself he noted that I said, "I can do that. She can do this. We can do that, to every note about the wheelchair, the sponge baths, the time for being lazy versus active, the diapers, all of it. When Kevin and Colleen had to leave it a few hours before surgery time. This was what frightened me the most...waiting. Just sitting and waiting. I told the Doctor to overshoot it. Tell me 3 hours, not 2.5 because at that exact time if she was not out, I would lose my mind!
So next I called in my dependables: two couples that are closest to us and know us best. One of them, it had been much too long since we'd seen them. They offered me Burger King and even though that is admittedly my least favorite fast food, that whopper tasted so damn good. They came and commiserated with me. They shared some struggles they had been having with me, and they helped distract me and they got me to laugh.
The other couple just came to help with the distraction and keep me sane. They lived closer to the hospital and stayed a little later. Luna came out of the surgery fine but just looked small and fragile. Both of my female friends broke down when they saw her. I took it in stride that she did great. Poor baby just wanted water and all she could have was ice. She refused. Now it was time to get her comfortable. Now it was time to wind down and boy was it late.
When they finally got us to our own room, I found we had a private shower. There was a little bed/couch for me to sleep on too. The nurses kept saying, "Do you need anything mom? Are you doing okay?," but I barely asked for a thing. It was all about Luna. That night , late like 10 or 11pm, our friends Grayson and Amanda stayed with me. I couldn't take a full shower or wash my hair because of my head staples. But my entire head of hair was caked and covered in blood. I desperately wanted to clean up but we couldn't get the hot water in the shower to work.
Grayson sat and watched a movie with Luna. Amanda came into the bathroom with me to help me clean up. I probably scarred her for life. We couldn't use too warm of water on my head either. I remember being just in my bra and underpants and freshly bruised. I was purple, black, and blue and getting more and more sore and stiff by the minute. Amanda was alternating a hot wash cloth on my chest and back, while luke-warm hand washing the stale blood from my hair. I remember just shaking from exhaustion and from being cold in the hospital. She got me cleaned up and they went home and promised to check on us the following day, as we were told a good 48 hours before we could think about going home.
I was able to call Eben to let him know Luna did fine on her surgery. But I remember when they finally got her comfortable and we could sleep, I tried to get comfy on the couch bed and just started bawling and shaking. I was wide awake. I had a friend living in a time zone that was 6 hours ahead of me who was waking for the next day and he ended up consoling me via Facebook Messenger as I just completely broke down. I was so angry that my little girl was broken and hurt; angry that Eben was a city away from us and I had to parent alone in an emergency. I was angry that this uprooted our entire existence and my baby would spend her summer in a wheelchair. I was angry that I felt so useless all at the same moment as feeling like it was all on me!
Then I was overcome with the feelings of being grateful and felt blessed to be alive; so happy that we all survived something so horrible and wouldn't sustain permanent damage. It was such a whirlwind. The first step of all of our recovery, was accepting help. I am the absolute worst at that. I admitted to my friends Melissa and Kelly (two mothers I admired for their organization and sanity amidst having 2 boys each) that my house was filthy and I think it would hurt too much for me to sweep and deep clean for awhile. Being the wonderful mothers that they are, they cleaned my horrible house, stocked the fridge and pantry with necessities, even BEER (thanks again Kelly) and then had the boys get us flowers and make little gifts for Luna!
We'd had hospital visitors bring Luna toys and just offer comfort and entertainment and most importantly, non-hospital food. My boss at the time, it was his wife that was the living angel who introduced Luna to Panera Mac and Cheese and got her to eat for the first time in 48 hours. Eben had had many visitors too, which was comforting for me to know he was taken care of since I was not leaving Luna's side.
Colleen was still my number one. She got the new car seat, got us home from the hospital and got us one of the most amazing gifts we could ask for that was ready for our arrival home. Sidenote: We had been sleeping on a king mattress on the floor of our room. Luna had fallen onto the hardwood out of our queen with the crib sidecar-ed to it, and we never could afford a bed frame. But I couldn't lift Luna in and out of that bed with her casts and neither could 8 broken-ribbed Eben. Then again, Eben could barely lie down with broken ribs, let alone be that low to the ground. So when we arrived home to the clean house two long days after the accident, Colleen, her sons, and Kelly had gotten us a new-to-us King bed frame, box spring and mattress that was all set up and made so we could all sleep comfortably. When I saw that I cried on Colleen our of relief and joy. Blessings are everywhere, in all forms.
We had so much help. SO MUCH HELP. The list is not just the people mentioned in here. Eben's work set up a benefit for us, my friend and Boot Camp Trainer took donations for us and had people send food. Another Boot Camp friend mowed our lawn every other week for 2 months and would bring me coffee when he arrived! We had people spoil the crap out of Luna with activities, attention, toys and so much love! We had friends and family physically take us where we needed and help for months. We had family members fly or drive down from Oregon to help take care of Luna and the house.
It took a long time for me to get past the shock though. It felt more like a curse and less like a blessing for the first few months. The support, the love and the people were instant blessings, but the incident itself, it has taken me forever to embrace the good that has come from it. I still have severe PTSD from the crash; the sounds, the impact and the adrenaline of coming to. Randomly I will get pretty bad nightmares about the whole thing. Luna talks about it a lot, which we encourage, and she is physically fully healed. Eben has also made a real recovery after surgery and physical therapy.
So here we are a year later. Our marriage is still a huge work in progress and didn't get any better with the accident. We became stronger as parents because of the accident, but are still working on our strength as a couple. With all of the gains have come some pretty serious growing pains, but the accident has afforded us that which we did not have beforehand. We learned how important it is to have a village and I have tried to very seriously and continuously appreciate those people who did so much for us in ways we couldn't have before.
Now I won't say that I am a born again Christian or that my faith is rock solid or that I'm a believer in all things Biblical, but I will say that through such a horrible and traumatic event I did get closer to God and understanding my faith. I allowed myself to better explore my relationship with God again and with the church. I realized that God gave each one of us what we could handle, and what we could grow from. I've been bruised and a complete mental mess most of my life, but I can weather a good storm and kick some serious parental ass when I need to. Luna is young enough to heal fast and bounce completely back. She will wear it with pride and be even stronger because of it. And Eben has had so many broken bones and surgeries; he knows exactly what to expect and he can deal with it all.
God's timing is very much perfect, whether you like it or not, and sometimes really shitty things just happen. And it's not about if you're a good enough person or even if you're the worst person ever, it's just a part of life. And I'll never say that everything is cupcakes and rainbows, but we are finally in a position where we can work on continuing to grow. We found our place, our tribe. And in some ways, it sucks that something like that had to happen to bring us to such a point where we could connect with people and reconnect with each other, but after some serious reflection, I definitely appreciate the evolvement and the event that spurred it.
So when I tell people about this car accident, it profoundly affected me because it made me more aware. It was a wake up call for my faith, my trust and my strength. I'm no longer so obsessed with the haves and the have-nots. I don't see life as some race. We all have our burdens and we all carry things that some will not understand. But it wasn't some absence of God that day, in fact that presence was made clear. It was more an unfortunate event.
Some of the good that came from the accident still presents new trials and tribulations. Some of the bad things that came from it, still resound loudly. I'm not the same person that was in that car on her way to work last year. And I don't want to be. Not because I'm better than I was by any means, but I'm owning more and more the work in progress that I am. I'm owning the mess and the beauty in the breakdown. I've had some wonderful people remind me how far we've come in a year, and it's leaps and bounds. New jobs, new home ownership, new opportunities for Luna, new challenges for our family that we embrace, and a new appreciation for life. Because all it takes is a moment to change everything; a change in your direction, a wrong turn, a right turn. And I've had to face that fact that we have no real control. And writing that down is one of the biggest blessings I could ever bestow, because I am a queen bee control freak!
We will forever be changed by that day. And after some serious reflection, a lot of tears and a mountain of support and understanding, I wouldn't ask to remove that morning from our story for anything. And I will continue to share and reflect for years to come!
