Blog Challenge Wrap Up

I would call this challenge a success and I still have about six technical entries left in order to call it complete. After the response to my music post of favorite songs, and sharing something uncomfortable, I think some of the last few parts of the challenge are a little unnecessary.

One of them is about my best physical features and to quote the great Kristen Bell, whom I look up to and adore, I don't want to indulge in "a comparison hangover." I also think that physical features are subjective. I once had a crush tell me that my nose and my ass on my best friend's body would be "one banging ass chick." So my only good features are my nose and my butt? Recently I had someone else tell me it was my smile. Doesn't it depend on who you're talking to? And why indulge in more judgement when the world is already so judgmental?

Another challenge was to list favorite blogs. As a blog writer I'm quite the "faker" because I don't read many blogs. I don't have much free time and it's really hard for me to want to read on the computer when I write, edit, post and spreadsheet all day. I'll catch a book or article from time to time but I'm a super slow reader also.

The 27th challenge is what makes me feel better, always. Kid cuddles or dog cuddles are number one but also a good movie, and a good cry. In desperate times I need Ben and Jerry's or Cold Stone. When things are really bad I need junk food like Doritos and Buffalo Chicken Dip.

The 28th challenge was to write about the last time I cried. I'm a frustrated crier so I probably shed a tear or two every other day honestly. I often feel so overwhelmed by the stress, anxiety and should-do's and can't do's that I just can't contain the frustration and it comes out of my eye ducts. I take on so much mentally, much of my own overthinking and anxious fretting for sure, but it still affects me to the point of tears. These are like cry for a minute then suck it up moments though. I was trained to never let them see you down!

The 29th was the top things on my bucket list which would be visiting New Zealand and another European Trip, this one with my daughter. I studied in Europe nearly 11 years ago and I had the time of my life. I wanted to live there. I cannot wait to take my daughter when she's like 16 or something. And New Zealand? I need the Shire and hiking yesterday!

The 30th challenge was comfort foods? See what makes me feel better, always. It kind of all goes together and doesn't require much of a post.

The last challenge was to be about my weird quirks. Oh my...there's the weird way my brain works for control and routines, the ability to maintain controlled chaos and the strange ways I have to adjust social media stuff to make it less...negative for myself. I have a lot. Let's do this, why don't you come chat with me and pick out some. That's not judgey right? Ha! We all have weirdness, some of us are just better at showing it.

I plan on writing about one more revealing type of thing before I take a bit of a break because of work and life and such. This challenge did give me what I intended, which was a really good exercise in writing again and a renewed sense of why I fell in love with writing to begin with. It got me out of a funk and away from myself, which is always a fun journey and I really appreciate those who joined me on it!

I'd still love to hear from anyone and accept all feedback, even if it might not be something I want to hear. So this wraps up the challenge part but please don't think I won't keep posting and updating!

Blog Post Challenge 24: A Difficult Time In My Life

Well this is kind of an intense subject. There have been a few times in my 33 years on this planet that have been difficult and most definitely parenthood in general has been rough, but I'm going to take a risk and write about something I'm super not comfortable talking about and we'll see how it is received.

Nearly a decade ago I was finishing college and I had my world rocked. My mom has struggled with addiction my entire life. She has had periods of sobriety and also horrendous relapses for about the last 20 years. When I was 17 we learned the hard way that she and I could be great at a distance but could not coexist in the same home.

She stayed in South Florida and my dad moved me to Oregon when I was 17 to finish high school and get into college. When I was finishing at University of Oregon, my mom had just lost both of her parents within and year and had a cancer scare with a huge ovarian tumor removed. I had spent 2 weeks the previous summer before classes started, taking care of her until she was well enough to function on her own just after we had buried her mother and father. 

But one cold, January morning my Uncle called me really early and told me that not only was she using again but that he needed to remove himself permanently from the situation because things had gotten so bad and she had wronged him so deeply that he needed to cut off contact. Somehow he mustered the ability to apologize to me that she had become such a mess and urged me not to stay close with her, afraid of her next moves with no family support. I spent the day home from school, 3,000 miles away from her and freaking out.

My mom had just inherited a great deal of stuff from my grandma. Most of it was sentimental but still important. My grandma's house was on the market and that was just an hour north of my mom's place at this time as well. I was worried about my grandma's stuff being lost or sold. She had done countless watercolor paintings and had some great furniture as well. Also, my then-boyfriend-now-husband and I were planning on living with my mom and putting him through school. This changed everything. We couldn't risk being around her either.

One of my Florida high school friends and my dad helped me get a storage unit and in February of my last semester I flew to Florida by myself to lock up and protect my grandmother's treasures knowing that in July when we moved to Tampa, we could get them and keep them with us. 

When I got to my mom's house she was in a frenzy in the process of being evicted. She had two cars, my grandmother's old Mercedes and a Ford Escape she had promised to my husband. Her other brother was coming to get the title and the Mercedes to drive north for my cousin while he stopped to check how the house was doing on the market in Port. St. Lucie.

When I first got there she gave me this look like "Uh oh, busted." I think I had my friend's truck to pack up and make runs. It was only a matter of minutes before she started yelling at me about taking her things. Then she had quick mood change. "Well, take this stuff too," she said. "Yeah, for later and then I can have the key."

This was one of those moments in life with an addict that no one could ever prepare you for. This was when my 23 year old self, struggling to adult and protect things that are important to myself and my family has to stand strong and summons the energy to say: "Mom this is not me helping you, do you understand that? I don't want you to lose Grandma's things. This is not a favor, these are now mine and we will see what happens if you get clean. And I need the title to the car."

She told me the car was hers and the title was in a safe deposit box at the bank. I knew full well her brother was in route but dare say nothing in case she bolted. She started talking to me again about keeping her things and I finally lost it. "You get no key or access. I will be coming to get these things when we move. Your ex-husband (aka my dad) helped me get down here and by the grace of my old friend and ditching a few days of school I'm taking what's important so you don't lose ANYTHING ELSE." She looked at me blankly and asked, "Can you pay my phone bill too?"

When my uncle drove up he just walked in and said, "I'm taking the car where's the title?" My mom looked at me, enraged, "You told him I was here? You little shit! He can't take my car! SHE LEFT THAT TO ME." I walked outside and let her scream it out before my uncle came back out with the keys. 

When he left in the Mercedes I finished packing up and went to crash at my friends house. My friend joked with me enough that I fooled myself into being calm. I'd given him a key to the storage unit too in case someone needed to get there fast for any reason. My mom harassed him for the next 3 months until he mailed it to me in surrender. 

When I left my mom she was getting ready to live in her car, until a month later they repossessed that. When I said goodbye to her she wasn't even really her if that makes sense. I cried the entire plane ride home because in that moment I didn't know if I would see her again or she would end up dead. I came home deflated and went back to finish my last semester.

I don't tell many people that story because it's dark and uncomfortable. My mom hates being judged as some "filthy addict." If you've ever met her she doesn't ever come off that way but I had to see her at her worst. For me what makes this a difficult time is knowing that I had to be the one to help my mom hit her true rock bottom. I had to give her real consequences so she could find a reason to get healthy.

She's been sober 8 years this summer. No child of any age should have to be that strong and sometimes the weight of what that does to a person is so much heavier than you can imagine. Telling your mom to deal with the ramifications seems unfair but addiction takes over and makes her turn into someone who is not even the same person you thought you knew.

I don't share this for pity or sympathy. Most of my family doesn't know the depth of this. Most of my family doesn't talk about this and still doesn't even speak to her. So yeah this was a dark, difficult time in my life and I appreciate you reading about it. If you, too, have struggled with a life around or in addiction, just know that even when we seem like we're against you, we're with you in more ways than one. And no one's experiences with addiction are better or worse than anyone else's, the just ARE and they must be difficult times for you all as well. You are not alone and you definitely can appreciate the lighter times now, or so I have experienced!

Blog Challenge 23: My Pet Peeves

Although I often mention diatribes, this seems like an excuse to complain. But in the spirit of adhering to the challenge, I can bite. 

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people trim their nails not over a receptacle. I bring this one up because I have seen two people in my office do this. In shared spaces, if you must trim your nails, do it over a trash can, not over the floor. EW!

I also cannot stand the word HEIGHTH! That is not an actual word! It is not like WIDTH. It is HEIGHT! Generally, grammar things are my biggest pet peeves. Such as, no you may not ax me a question but you are welcome to ask me. And throw shade? Whomever coined "Throw shade at," needs to go back to school. Permanently. Oh and it is not "expresso" no matter how fast it hits you. 

Oh and lastly, to quote Ross from Friends: "Y-o-u-'-r-e means YOU ARE, y-o-u-r means YOUR!"

As someone who studied grammar, I will always look up something to check instead of misusing or misspelling. My goodness being able to speak correctly is important! 

Yesterday I got to write about one of my all time favorite things, music, and it was one of my highest-viewed posts. I just wanted to thank you all for going on this blog challenge with me. I will be powering through a lot this week as next week I have an overtime work project that will dominate any down time I would have. But please know how much I appreciate you all. Feel free to post comments and suggestions about what I should write! 

Daily Blog Challenge 22: Ten Favorite Songs

Only 10? Only Ten FAVORITE SONGS! My goodness, these will have to be in order from least favorite to most favorite. Here we go:

10. Joni Mitchell - The Circle Game. Google immediately if you have not listened to this gem! When I turned 30, I demanded my dad help me indulge my Joni Mitchell love affair with her album, on vinyl, Ladies of the Canyon. Not only is this one of the best songs of motherhood ever written but my goodness it is simply gorgeous musically as well. My favorite lines are probably the chorus which include: "And the seasons, they go round and round and the painted ponies go up and down. We're captive on a carousel of time. We can't return, we can only look behind from where we came and go round and round and round in the circle game!"

9. Simon and Garfunkel - El Condor Pasa (If I Could). I found this one on a soundtrack and I feel so in love. I have felt that Paul Simon and/or Simon and Garfunkel are poets and seriously very underrated but this song just got me. I can actually play this loud and proud and rock out. Favorite lines include: "I'd rather be a forest than a street. Yes I would, if I  could, I surely would. I'd rather feel the earth beneath my feet. Yes I could, if I could, I surely would.

8. Death Cab for Cutie - Lightness. I could listen to this for days at a time. This is a seriously underrated, gorgeous, tragic and poetic piece. I have listened to this loud singing, "Oh, instincts are misleading, you shouldn't think what you're feeling. They don't tell you what you know you should want..." It never gets old or any less true. 

7. Rilo Kiley - A Better Son/Daughter. This song I have belted more times than I can count and I cannot stop thinking Jenny Lewis wrote this about me: It goes like this: "Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can't move, awake but cannot open my eyes. And the weight is crushing down on my lungs I know I can't breathe and hope someone will save me this time. And your mother's still calling you insane and high, swearing it's different this time. So you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her that God never blessed her inside. Then you hang up the phone and feel badly for for upsetting things, crawl back into bed to dream of a time when your heart was open wide and you loved things just because, like the sick and the dying. And sometimes when you're on you're really fucking on and your friends they sing along and they love you. But the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap, and it teases you for weeks and attacks it. But you'll fight it and you'll make it through, you'll fake it if you have to and you'll show up to work with a smile! You'll be better and you'll be smarter and more grown up and a better daughter or son and a real good friend. You'll be awake, you'll be alert you'll be positive though it hurts, and you'll laugh and embrace all your friends. You'll be a real good listener, you'll be honest you'll be brave, you'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful. YOU'LL BE HAPPY!"

6. The Decemberists - Engine Driver. The Decemberists have mastered music that comes with epic tales of love and loss. They very much tackle certain eras of tales and recreate a musical narrative. They are not to be missed. This song just has such an amazing melody and story that I connected with, quickly.  "I am a writer, writer of fictions, I am the heart that you call home. And I've written pages upon pages trying to rid you from my bones."

5. Hanson - Strong Enough to Break. This was my car accident anthem and inspired one of my tattoos. The lyrics that got me most were: "Things keep coming and I keep wondering, I start feeling the walls close in. Things keep coming and I keep stumbling, I start feeling strong enough to break." Hanson is actually a great band past MMMBop and before you judge, listen to a recent album and message me. Let's chat!

4. The Shins - Simple Song. Have you ever liked a song and never really listened to it? Then one day you listen and you're like WHOA, they totally nailed it!? That's this song. Specifically when he sings "I know that things can really get rough, when you go it alone. Don't thinking you gotta be tough and play like a stone. Could be there's nothing else in our lives so critical as this little home!" And then also, "Love's such a delicate thing that we do, with nothing to prove, which I never knew!"

3. Dire Straits - Romeo and Juliet. Does this even require a description? I think it does not. This is an epic tale and musically, Mark Knopfler is a god among men. Listen to it. Over and over. And it'll change your life! 

2. The Beatles - A Day In The Life. I love ALL BEATLES. They will never get old. This one is both gut-wrenching and gorgeous all at the same time. I've listened to this in times of joy and sadness and it speaks to both, consistently. Over and over.

1. Death Cab for Cutie - Title and Registration. The lyrics of this ENTIRE song are beyond perfection. I have seen this live nearly 10 times and each time it gets better. I could never get sick of this one. It never gets...untrue!

So here we are fans! Enjoy and thank you for reading and following with me! Hope you discover some awesome new music today!

Daily Challenge 21: Something I Miss

Something I miss very much lately is the house I grew up in. Lately in my lottery-like fantasies I have hoped to buy my old childhood home and move back near my bestie to raise my little one in the best place ever. Nothing about my childhood home let me down before all the me being 12 years old engulfed in family drama.

You could smell my dad's cooking on Thanksgiving upstairs and when he made pies or baked anything it made the house warm and welcoming. It was cool in the summer and warm in the winter. It was an old house with creaks that made me feel safe, not scared. It was clean and homey and filled with good things and comfort. It had a huge back yard with a hand-built-by-dad swing set and play house. My golden retriever ruled the yard. The garage smelled like lawnmower and old tools.

Sometimes I think I miss what the house represented, which was simple family of us three, and I worry that my daughter is missing out on that. Sometimes I think that I just miss it because I'm going through some mid-life crisis type thing. I guess we'll see.

I miss holidays with cousins and presents and the Christmas tree lighting the front window. I miss the brick sidewalk and the square less than a block down. I miss riding bikes with neighborhood kids and never being bored. I miss walks to the river and bouncing between houses with friends. I miss watching TV with my dad and listening to music in my room. Maybe I just really miss childhood. Regardless, challenge accepted and these are the things I currently miss. Way to bring on the nostalgia!

Blog Challenge 20: Where I Want to Be In 10 Years

Where do I want to be in 10 years? Is there a good answer for that question? Retired?
My goal is way less debt, way more fun memories, and being secure in my job. Totally lame right?

I used to have some pretty serious goals in my life. And when you get into the harsh light of reality you often have to curb those and settle into being able to pay bills on time and not constantly asking for money from your parents.

I wanted to be writing for a magazine, I wanted to be successful with a house and kiddos and dogs. Some of those things have become realities and some I've had to take what I can get. Fitness goals are met for me often, running races and such. Financial goals plague me, personal goals make me very depressed and life goals often achieve the same for me. 

Then I think of the cliche response, "I just want to be happy!" Actually, I just want a sense of calm with no fallout. I want some stability and security. Those are big deals for me and if I could meet that life goal, talk about a payoff!

In 10 years I want my daughter to be kicking ass at high school and growing into a better person than I could ever be. I want my job to pay me well and give me lots of paid vacation time so I can better enjoy life. I want my husband to have job security and happiness. I want to not lose sleep over dirty grout, ruined tile and baseboards. 

For me, so long as I have a happy, healthy kiddo, wherever she is is exactly where I want to be. The other things are nice goals to have but so long as I have my kid by my side I'm good! I'll let you know how it turns out!