Shifts of Self

Can you have a mid-life crisis if you’re not, mid-life? Can you just wake up one morning and be out with all the old and ready to usher in all the new? Can you recommit to yourself in the snap of a finger?

These are the questions slapping me in the face as I realize that I’ve outgrown many, many things. I just had my birthday and instead of doing the boring thing where I freak out about getting closer to 30, I’m just ready to dive into some new things.

I had a great month in March. I ran a 5K, worked out here and there, ate what I want, did what I wanted and just let it all go. If I wanted wine, I had it. If I wanted a margarita, I’d get one. But soon enough my body put a big old yield sign in my face and urged me to rethink the nonstop,
carefree whims I’d been allowing myself to succumb to. It was time to get it in gear.

My husband helped with one of the best presents: A YMCA Gym membership. I’m a group fitness junkie. Spin, tone and sculpt, Step class, yoga, whatever; I’m there! I do pretty much everything but water aerobics and Zumba. I went head first into old routines and completely realigned my diet and eating habits. My husband and I agreed on giving up bad habits for 30 days,
just to see what, if any impacting effects it had. No alcohol, less caffeine, up the veggies, grains and goodness, down the snacks, junk and fun badness.

Then I noticed some other stuff too. I’m anything but a cook. Occasionally I like to bake, but I’m not a cook. My favorite food is tacos. Well, that, and salad. But I can never get enough of my husband’s tacos. Simple ground beef or turkey and guacamole, pico de gallo, lite sour cream ,
cheese, cilantro, maybe even some lettuce and I’m hooked! One night he said that if I wanted tacos, I had to make them, with his supervision of course. He gave me the play by play and prepped everything (I SUCK at chopping anything) and it wasn’t so terrible.

The next thing I know, a few nights later, I’m heating up some basic veggie casserole from the Crockpot that we made for reserves in the event of long days and no energy and I realize we have some things I could add to make it a bit…tastier. Before I know it, I have Boca Burger crumbles,
mushrooms, onions, jalapeno, garlic and basic seasoning sauté-ing in a pan. It was delicious, but the idea of me creating culinary delights.

It happened again on an evening when my husband was home and before I knew what I was saying, I’d somehow offered to make dinner with his gentle direction. And there it was, BAM! I made spaghetti sauce with ground beef, mushrooms, fresh parmesan, spices, banana peppers, onions and garlic!

Before I could control it on my day off, I made a key lime pie, roasted chickpeas for a snack/appetizer, cinnamon crumb cake (okay that one was from a box), and a chicken fajita/enchilada concoction complete with chicken, red bell peppers, jalapeno, onion, seasoning, enchilada sauce, and garlic to add onto casserole or brown rice! I didn’t know where it was coming from! I’d also been on a rampage making small home improvements in attempts to make our new place more “grown up” and “homey.” We’d decided to have a stay-cation if a vacation even existed this year and we were determined to make this place an oasis.

I also started a curious journal out of an Alice in Wonderland notebook I’d been given for Christmas a couple years ago. I named it my “Desiry: A Diary of Desires.” Keep your head on straight people, this is not a naughty book! I just started writing everything I want in it…from the
physical and tangible to the completely fantastical and improbable. It’s freeing!

I’d recently come to the realization that some of the simple and seemingly ridiculous goals I’d set for myself when I was in high school have been achieved and I didn’t want to live life forgetting what I’d wanted in my twenties. When I was 17 I wanted to make my own money so I could purchase brewed, coffee house coffee for myself every day. I can totally do that now if I want. It’s a total waste of money, but it’s the principle of the thing. I also vowed to free myself of my dad’s one-ply toilet paper embargo and dare to get something quilted. That’s in my twenty-something budget as well. Go me!

So I just started writing. I put the date and what I want. So far a Louis Vuitton purse, trip to New York to see “Wicked” on Broadway, new towels, new bedroom sheet set, and watching everything on my Netflix Instant Queue all live in my “Desiry.” I think I’m scaring the people around me too. I’m more in tune with realities, frustrations and demands. I’m doing things I haven’t done
in a long time, and it’s a positive move forward. Perhaps I’m, somehow, having an out of body experience.

Maybe these are attempts at staving off a looming feeling of impending depression. Maybe I’m just growing into my 27 year old self at an alarming rate. Maybe I’m having a Tom Hanks circa “Big” experience! I’m replacing my hunger for content with a hunger for the new and exciting. We’ve met some new amazing people and they are rubbing off on me, in a good way!
I still have a long road to full adulthood but at least I know where that path is, rather than constantly meandering elsewhere. I’ve revisited the past through memories, music and momentary daydreams about the “What If,” all too often. I guess I’m just ready for positive forward momentum. Life is touch and every day is not always rainbows and sunshine but the good definitely outweighs the bad.

Some changes sneak up on you with no choice and no warning. Some changes are looming but never fully present. And some changes are constant and ever evolving. I guess it’s time for me to be a part of the evolution embrace it all! There may be a new kind of Ali around but she’s still sassy, sarcastic and ALL ALI! I guess it’s just the New and Improved version of Ali…stay
tuned!

The Relationship Contribution Ideal

I guess it all stems from some weird family thing where we buy each other’s love. Rather than constantly saying “I love you,” we just spoiled the shit out of each other with stuff and things. Perhaps that’s where I got my inherent need to contribute to relationships, both romantic and platonic. Buying gas, food, fun and entertainment just became a regular thing. Oh, it got
taken advantage of, let me tell you, but with the people that count, it counted me in as a person who wasn’t afraid to contribute.

When it comes to work, I never really had a problem with getting a job and making my own money. That comes from my mom’s side; with the exception of her, they are all workaholics. I liked paying my dues. At the end of the day, I could close the book and say, “I worked hard, and with my earnings I’m sure going to play hard.” I have always done what I was supposed to do and what was asked of me with my work. As a nanny I even ventured to do a little more than just that. I liked to be a good worker, and someone who was valued by my employers. Although this is another area I’ve been taken advantage of in, for the most part, I just want to participate and be present.

When it comes to my husband and me, we like to be equal participants in this marriage. Even though we both bitch to each other about it, we end up wearing it with pride. As two people who have been screwed over in more ways than one, monetarily, emotionally, and even with our own
possessions, we are all about sharing the wealth as often as we can to keep the karmic cycle on our side, rather than repeat earlier fallbacks. Sure, the standing joke from my husband is “My money is our money and her money is her money,” but we have an agreement when it comes to family finances: He works more and brings home the bacon, and the rent check, so I keep up the house and work part time to pay the bills and keep us fed. We are masters of our craft, masters of our relationship and of our marriage. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

One of my best friends and I always say, “Do you work to live, or live to work?” I think we can all agree that all work and no play makes us all dull people! My bestie and I also agree that no one WANTS to work, but as a part of society, that’s usually just how it is. Some people have this sense of entitlement, which I've never understood. We are entitled to working to earn a paycheck and we are entitled to general human rights. This does not include the American Pop Culture trend of laziness, a general disregard for basic responsibilities and being a loaf upon society.

Personally, I would go crazy if I was stuck at home all the time. I would have to find all kinds of crazy projects to keep me busy. And I love being an active participant in my world, my marriage, and in all of my relationships. We may not have a million dollars and money to just throw away,
but we can care for ourselves and the people we love. Isn’t that what it’s all about?

Sure, someday my husband and I will settle down and have little ginger kids and I won’t be working all the time. We’ve already agreed on my staying home for the first handful of precious years with the little ones. I agreed on my staying home, because I want to be an active contributor and participant in my role as a mother.

Don’t get me wrong, I would LOVE to see my husband’s face if I just said, “Yeah I don’t really
wanna work anymore. It’s not very fun.” He may pee his pants laughing at me as he gave me the “Tough shit,” look. But the again, I would never say that. Working gives me sense of purpose. No one loves their job 100% of the time, but both of us have found a place in our lives where we are pretty happy with the general state of it all. This is a new horizon for us. We'll embrace it! Things could always be worse.

This isn’t some sanctimonious statement of how I’m some holier than thou, bad ass
wife and lazy wives and single gals suck; this is just my way of saying that you need to find
whatever makes you happy and fit it into your lifestyle. Contribute where and when you can to whatever relationship you feel most strongly for! We’re in a very progressive age. I doubt most women have the simple goal of being taken care of and pampered these days. I’m just saying, why spend all your time and energy doing nothing when you could be doing something!?!

My husband constantly taunts me. As an Aries, I’m a busy-body. I can do everything all at once but relaxing is the hardest thing for me. Sitting still and indulging in “nothing” is something I’m not very receptive to. Lately I’ve heard so many friends talking about work, long term plans and
life as we know it. When you leave the grace period of your “early twenties,” you’re all of the sudden just expected to have it all figured out.

I’m coming to realize, however, that if you can’t contribute to your immediate realm, how are you going to contribute to a plan? It all goes with that whole, “If you’re not a part of the solution, you’re part of the problem,” thing. I feel lucky that I didn’t marry some macho pig who thinks my
job is to cook, clean and cater to his needs whilst pumping out a parade of kids. I feel lucky that I have a job and that I can pay my bills and afford a few frills here and there.

I think it’s safe to say that my relationship contribution is that I want to be truly IN my relationship. I want to be an active being, rather than watching the world go by as a spectator. I love being lazy as much as the next person, but when I look back and I give advice to the generations behind me, I’ll tell them I had to work my way through this world too. I have a feeling the end of the journey will be just as rewarding as the journey itself! I guess I’ll let ya know.