The Betterment

July has been brutal. I don't mean hot, although sure it's be hot. I don't mean brutal like "bad." We have just been busy non-stop and it flew by so fast. Wasn't yesterday just the 4th? How is summer almost over?

I was texting with a friend last night, needing to catch up because so many little things have fallen through the cracks, especially with vacation prep, and we were doing our normal "how are things going," routine and she specifically asked about the hubby.

Yesterday he had mowed the yard, and mowed the neighbor's too because they have been kind to us that way, and helped an elderly neighbor with their trash bin, all while hosting the neighbor girl for a play date, making me some dinner and getting other chores done too. Last weekend when I had the kids with us, he brought me coffee often, he helped where and when he could, and he was nice even if I wasn't so receptive in that exact moment.

I relayed some of that to her and she says, "It seems like things have been going better this year." I stopped and read it and reread it a bit. Better. Things were better. Betterment. We had entered into some betterment.

A year ago this time we went back to Oregon for the first time together in years. There was a lot of anxiety about the trip and I was mentally struggling, but I was also adamant to make the most out of our first ever dual paid vacation off. When we returned I felt like maybe we could really make things better. That's when a little speed bump in the road of life seemingly left us a flat tire and no cell service. We weren't better, just yet.

After one last bad, bad situation, one last storm of epic proportion, finally a rainbow had appeared. It's been a work in progress. It has been one step, one day at a time. It has been anything but easy and I still move forward, cautiously optimistic. I will say that I feel we are on the right track after it all. We are getting better, bit by bit.

I became really good at struggling. I found my coping mechanisms, my deflections, and my ways to survive, but I didn't like being in that place. I became very much able to handle the storm. I learned to stuff everything down and swallow it so it wouldn't affect anyone but me. This was not a solution, it was just pure survival mode.

When you start learning about trauma, what trauma actually is, and paint-by-numbering your own experiences with it, things can get murky, and then somehow clear. This process is enlightening and frustrating all at once, in my personal experience at least.

I had to throw out my self-sabotage and survival modes and learn about self love and self care. I'm still working on that, even today. I had to find ways to trust again without destroying my intuition and past experiences, invalidating them. I had to learn to accept my flaws and embrace them, also a day to day process.

I had to learn to communicate and speak up, which can still feel uncomfortable at times. Last weekend with extra kiddos my husband and I had a momentary altercation. My exhaustion and maternal instinct kicked in hardcore and while he said he would take care of things, I undermined him and over-spoke because I was so maxed out, I couldn't properly communicate with him and listen or let him in.

I caught myself and apologized. I admitted what I did was crappy and unfair and we didn't have it drag on through the day as this cloud of being annoyed with each other. It passed immediately and was freeing. This was an affirmation of the betterment.

It's the smallest signs of the betterment that I need and love the most. It's the surprise cups of coffee, those favorite dinners ready when I get home. It's the garage being reorganized or a trip to the store done so I don't have to. When you are so used to carrying everything yourself and then your partner helps, it's a new kind of luxury and renewed kind of comfort.

Sometimes I don't want to admit that things were so bad so as to warrant this betterment but lately I have been more conscious of enjoying the journey and being extremely grateful for where we are on the path. Sometimes those sentiments are not simple or easy but more often than not, they are there, I just have to pay attention.

This is the first time in a long time I'm going on a trip and I have good things to report. I can say with confidence that things are generally "okay" and not have some subconscious voice call me out for faking it until I make it. I can be at ease, which honestly makes me feel slightly uneasy just typing that.

Life is difficult. It is stressful. It is so frustrating at times. But we do only actually live once so we gotta make the best of it. Marriage is hard, and anyone who says differently might actually be insane. Parenthood is difficult, rewarding, and maddening simultaneously. When you feel engulfed in the depressive and anxious ways that can take over when life gives you lemons, you're prone to just let them rot rather than making that lemonade stuff as the saying goes. Although I think making that lemonade and adding a little sugar, or extra sugar if necessary, that is the start of the betterment.

With all the cliches and metaphors I hope you find yourself nearing betterment. Or if you're in a rough spot, remember that the betterment can happen. That may be easy to forget! For now, I plan to enjoy my betterment, perhaps with a cold glass of lemonade!

It's Easy To Forget

I don't know about other moms, but I often forget what it was like to be a kid. I think I know, but then I quickly realize how easy it is to forget.

One battle I have with my daughter pretty consistently these days is gratefulness. I want her to know that her life has been worked very hard for to be comfortable in. She'll get upset that I don't volunteer in class much, that I don't chaperone on field trips and I remind her that I work full time to make sure she has new shoes, a new backpack and horseback riding lessons, not to mention food and water and a house a stuff. She'll complain about only having a tablet not an iPad or wanting more toys and I always shut it down with reminders that we work to give her what she has and she should be grateful.

It's not that I don't want to do that stuff for her and with her, it's that it's not so easy to pull off. And for me, that stuff being complicated and annoying - like paying $50 for a background check and fingerprinting to be allowed in the classroom - is easy to forget or to push aside. However, for her it's not so much and easy to forget thing, which is totally okay.

We have an upcoming vacation, which I've budgeted my ass off for, and of course am still stressing about, but I am so excited to just get away a bit. We haven't been away for a year. I'm ready! And while my daughter is excited to visit she keeps randomly saying to me, "But I don't WANT to go. I'll miss my friends at summer camp!" At first this irked me to no end and then I remembered that a disruption in routine and the every day can be hard and weird to embrace all the time. It was easy to forget that I was like that as a kid too.

I was that kid that got homesick, like stomach cramps and anxiety all over when I went away, especially without my parents. She can do okay with certain people, so I know once we're there she'll be fine, but I can tell that now that she's really aware of stuff and plans, she is feeling a lot more about this trip. 

It's all so easy to forget! When my friend's three year old was with me this past weekend, I totally forgot the "Why?," phase. EVERYTHING WAS WHY!? I thought I had answered the question, but still why? I thought she could be pacified, but she still asked why until I was almost blue in the face. 

Maybe the "mommy brain" thing is just so real that it bites us in the ass. Maybe we can only clearly compute the phase we are currently in with our children as opposed to being hypersensitive to our own memories to project them onto their little being. Regardless, all of this planning made me wonder why it's all so easy to forget?

There are times when I watch my daughter and I'm like, "Oh man that is an Alison trait," and other times I just have to step back and remind myself she's only 6 or that she's still such a kid. She gives me a hard time about how she's not a baby anymore and I reminder, she will ALWAYS be my baby.

It's also easy to forget how far they've come and that you can't force them into your ideas of "how it will all work." I learned that lesson the hard way over the past two years when it comes to travelling. Once we were stuck with a late flight and someone said, "She'll be fine she'll sleep on the plane." She did, then woke up violently in pain screaming about her ears and I tried to hold her and the flight attendant yelled at me for having her out of her seat. Good times.

Last year I thought on a late flight she would sleep and again, she had a hard time. She did much better flying ALL DAY and watching movies and shows on her tablet, playing games. No more long night flights where she can't just stay up. This time she is staying up until we get to the hotel and she can sleep as long as she wishes. 

On the opposite end of the spectrum, the whole "easy to forget" thing can go a long way in negativity. It's easy to forget how annoying travelling can be until you have that long awaited vacation. It's easy to forget how much having fun costs until you come back from your trip in some wonderful debt. It's easy to forget how much stuff you have to take with you to get through any vacation, but be grateful if you have washer and dryer access. It's easy to forget how much you LOVE YOUR HOME, until you step away for a bit. It's all about how you use it!

I thought when I wrote today I would just write about, "Hey we're going on a trip," but then all of this just started pushing through my thought processes and into a document. I kind of feel like I'm onto something in terms of holding onto the, "Easy to Forget" stuff. 

I've recently been going through a lot when it comes to friendships. It's been kind of weird because I feel like I have less support from the people that were there when things were shitty, and more support from the people who just were there with no conditions through everything lately. It's like some wanted to be a part of my drama and feed it, and some people just want to be a part of my life period. I also realized that it's so easy to forget how badly you've been treated or hurt by someone once you've moved on and evolved. We shouldn't hold grudges or hatred so letting that stuff go is so important, but it's easy to forget the bad when you're wading through the good, until that bad rears it's ugly head for a quick reminder -- you all know what I mean.

It's easy to forget all kinds of stuff anymore, which is why we have phone reminders, social media alerts and then of course text messages from other people confirming and reminding and checking in. What we have to remember is that we are ALL forgetful sometimes, so we should walk through this crazy life together kindly, if you can remember to be nice that is.

Case of the Mondays; Still Recovering From Three Kid Weekend Bonanza

This morning has been, "Just another Manic Monday, Ooooh oooh." Work has involved unnecessarily difficult customers with long-winded phone calls and the busy work seemed to be never ending. Here I am after my lunch run, finally getting to my blog and putting off a few things that can definitely wait.

So this past weekend I had my friend's son and daughter as house guests and I learned that I am 1000% supposed to only have one child. More importantly, I have a higher appreciation for anyone with more than one child, and the utmost respect and appreciation for the life and child I have created. I didn't realize how QUIET my house is with just her. Immediately, things that were once so easily done, required more tact or extra help and the things I had become accustomed to were on hiatus.

The perfect example would be going to the bathroom. Immediately I banned all children from my master bedroom and bathroom unless being given my permission for anything otherwise. I figured I needed some kind of "safe zone." I would close my bedroom door and my bathroom door but then they would bust in with some kind of issue. I couldn't even pee alone! My daughter is 6 now so I am much more used to being able to go to the bathroom alone. Not this weekend, though.

Peeing alone is like a mom-luxury that is always coveted. It was one of my favorite things about going back to work! There was no kid busting open a stall; no uncomfortable complaints about a smell from a nearby stall by the tiny person yelling at you to hurry it up. 

As far as the bed time stuff, my daughter goes down quietly and early. These kids cry loudly and go later. By Sunday I was a mombie and felt hungover from life. I could barely remember what or if I ate anything, all I knew was to have everything the kids could possibly need ever and keep feeding them. They ate their way through Saturday, Hungry Caterpillar style.

When my friend picked them up she joked, "Now you know what my life is like." I thought, well yes maybe but I think we all have a special place and special kind of patience for our own children that just doesn't always transition to "the other kids."

My husband hit it outta the ballpark helping as much as he could but Sunday morning I just hit this mental limit where I couldn't really deal very well. It was loud, there was no such thing as enough coffee and I couldn't think straight. I'd had not 10 minutes of peace because it was "take time for you, or get sleep so you can handle tomorrow." I always choose sleep. 

After the kiddos had left, my husband and I kicked into high gear on putting the house back in functioning order and by about 3PM all of us could barely move. My daughter was happy to not share and argue and watch hours of My Little Pony or play tablet. I was soooo happy that I could watch something without being chased after every 10 minutes. You could hear TVs but there was no other noise. 

What's in the Joni Mitchell song? "Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you got til it's gone?" Yeah all of that and more.

Besides the fact that we had children staying with us, I realized how much I had become accustomed to my coping mechanisms, my down time, my rebooting, and my mindful eating practices that having them disrupted, even for 48 hours just really messed me up mentally. It was like I started shutting down and not being able to formulate complete thoughts. It was super stressful.

It definitely made me ready for vacation but also made me super grateful for raising my daughter to enjoy her down time, just like her mother does. She was just as exhausted and mentally spent when they left, I could tell. I knew she liked having the company, but I also know how hard it is not to be able to just be yourself in your own place. 

This morning was a little frenzied and mentally I felt like it pushed me right back into that stressed place but I took a good run on lunch and kind of got myself out of the funk. This weekend was a lot of learning about myself but I feel good about that. I feel like the lessons were imperative to keep my forward momentum and stay the path to positive growth. I know it sounds hippie but, it feels like that is what I'm working with.

The kids had fun. There were many smiles and lots of silly memories made. There were nonsensical arguments and constant tattling. There were many funny things said and really weird things done but they had a good time.

So I'm still recovering from Three Kid Weekend Bonanza and my Friday vacation launch can't come soon enough but I'm here! I came, I blogged, I conquered! Happy Monday readers!

Quirky Personalities Over Mean Attitudes

I was venting yesterday about office-mates and I had an interesting realization. I have hailed my current job as the best I have had since my nanny days, mostly due to the fact that my anxiety, my mental health and for my personality, I'm truly in a rational place oof employment where I can thrive, as opposed to a volatile environment with unclear expectations. I had made a comment of "I work with some very interesting people, but I'm taken care of so well that I can overlook all the idiosyncrasies of those I share my office space with." Thus began the adumbration. 

I've been thinking about my job history in terms of my mental health, along with my ability to grow, handle things well, and thrive and I realized that environment has been everything for me. My current office is generally quiet. My co-workers are polite, kind, and mostly considerate of each other. They all have good and bad days, sometimes their personality quirks come out strong, sometimes they are muted. My current bosses are understanding and respectful. I have only had two times where my bosses were super "bossy" with me, and they paled in comparison to some employers of the past.

My weird, albeit interesting realization was, coming out of new phases in motherhood and back into the workforce some 6 years ago, I stumbled into situations fraught with forms of bullying. When I look back now I accept that not only was I just so desperate to better my situation that my outlook was cloudy, but I also I had no self-esteem to stand my ground and stand up for myself. Looking back, when I was backed into a corner with a co-worker or boss, I always waved the white flag of surrender, even if I knew better because it was easier to stay away from confrontation.

When you're struggling at home and in life painting work as your escape, you can easily enmesh yourself in workplace drama, gossip, co-worker "friendship"s and anything to keep you from dealing with your own problems. Such was my life for almost 3 years. It was when I was at my worst, at my lowest, that I "hit-bottom" per-se, was mentally beaten down and bloodied for the last time, that I decided to get out while the getting was good.

It was a good decision for me to leave a place where I was drowning. The job I chose to replace it, was actually a bad choice, but now, I realize it brought me to where I am now so it served it's purpose.

I had spent nearly 4 years under the reign of bullying in some sense or another. Maybe one afternoon it was a boss. Maybe another day it was a co-worker, or at time even a customer, but while struggling at home (which I knew better than to ever share about at work), I started mentally collapsing at work. Ironically, my job performance didn't suffer noticeably, I just started alienating myself and trying to find a way out.

I had found a handful of good people in my workplaces to keep me afloat but I was very much not okay and extremely desperate to prove on the outside I was beyond okay. It was a crazy world to live in. After the car accident I really saw the light and started to dig my way out more and more. The detour I took from there was rough and definitely a set back, but again, it brought me to where I am now so it wasn't all for nothing.

Looking back, sure I worked with some characters, but mostly I feel like I worked with grouchy, mean, and angry people that fed my negativity and shoved me deeper into my depression in the past just by being immersed in that environment. Now in my current place of work, even on their grouchy days, I see the good in all these wonderfully unique souls I share an office with.

You don't actually have to LIKE everyone, but you have to co-exist, which is tough to manage in a gossipy-behind-the-back, competitive workplace, which I have unfortunately  experienced the hard way. You don't have to agree with everyone, but it's tough to see someone else's point of view when you are constantly told how it should be received. 

Let me clear something up, I'm grateful for all of my jobs and all of my negative experiences because they have made me the woman I am now, sitting here, writing this. Above all, the good people I have met through those places, have made my world whole, and forever changed me, no matter how short their visit in this thing know as my so-called life. This isn't a bitter diatribe about my resume or bad jobs, but rather a reflection on how I've discovered that I can't be my best self, if I'm not near people who WANT that from me and for me. In some work-places, that's not part of the employee handbook, unfortunately.

Where I am now, I can have my peace when I need it. I can listen to music and podcasts and answer texts without judgement. I can have authority over things I've become proficient with. I CAN MAKE MISTAKES without any serious detriment or punishment. I can be Alison without fully filtering myself beyond recognition. I can live my life and have my job; one doesn't overturn the other.

When you have lived without this, that kind of freedom is as close to "relaxing," as I can get, and I that is why I rarely complain. I work in an environment where I never feel as though someone is "out to get me," or "will hate me tomorrow," or "will fire me, because I suck." 

At one of my previous jobs I had met someone that worked for my company but as an independent contractor of sorts, if you will. He once made a comment to me about telling my supervisor I could do more and showing them how great I could be in a new position. I remember telling him, "No, I can't draw too much attention because then the expectation will be too much. I have to stay just under the radar. I have to do well at what I am supposed to and not fuck up anything else, but not make them think to give me too much and then fail. Just under the radar and not messing up." I will never forget he looked at me deadpan and said, "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. You can do better."

In that moment I shrugged it off. Now I feel sad that someone else saw that potential in me, but the people I had worked with just didn't at all, or it least didn't make me feel as though they did. I was too busy using the Jim Halpert work ethic, which I quoted often when I worked in there:

I look back at Facebook posts of how grateful I was even in my misery; how much I posted I loved those jobs. Then I look at the Pinterest posts of memes and quotes of how sad I was as a person and how much I just couldn't get it together around the forced gratitude for not working at McDonald's. I was very afraid in general and didn't work in a place where I had the support to do what I needed for myself and my family without suffering financially, mentally or just as an employee.

Where I am now, I have been able to do what I need to be my best Alison, in and out of the office. I can schedule doctor's appointments on lunch breaks, with no argument. I can schedule therapy on lunch breaks, no questions asked. I can leave early to pick up my child, with no eye roll or need to "make up for that time." I can show up late because of bad traffic, with no scolding. I can take a vacation and not be worried about coming into a pile of extra things left to remind me that I shouldn't take time off, and I can even go away and not worry about missing a paycheck or being docked because of my absence. These are all game changers.

I realized that I spent too long surrounded by meanness and negativity. I spent too long trying to please people who were just generally displeased with most of life, not just my contribution to it. I realized I worked in proximity to people who didn't "get me" and who didn't know me, but knew "the image I was supposed to emulate." 

That's sad, isn't it? I remember during another "hit bottom" period I revealed to my best friend some of the darkness that plagued my home life and she just said, "I'm so sorry you ever felt that. I'm so sorry you ever had those bad moments and I wish you didn't have to go through that." That was an a-ha moment for me of...and if I walked in to my boss' office and laid out that this is where I was and I was deeply struggling,there would not be a response with that kind of understanding, ever.

My affirmation for that assumption came when I quit. I'll admit I had left abruptly but I wrote my boss and the family and note, not thanking them for the employment, but rather thanking them for inviting us to some out of work activities that connected us with people that were helping us thrive. The response to this was being blocked by most of them on social media, and spoken to only under duress in any social situation where we happened upon each other since. It doesn't make me sad or upset. It gives me reassurance that I did the right thing.

I am surrounded by quirky personalities that speak in cliches and small talk strange things. I am surrounded by people who march to their own beat and are even incredibly weird sometimes. I am in a positive work environment where in two years I've never felt attacked, never felt anxious, never felt berated by even a boss on a bad day. Every day I'm grateful for not being surrounded by mean attitudes and perpetual grouches that make Oscar on Sesame Street look like an optimist.

It's the people, places and things. It's the cliche that they encourage in AA, NA and such that your triggers can come from people, places and things so once you change those, you're proactively working on the problem more constructively. I've never embraced that more.

Ironically I'd watched this with other people. Everything I had gone through I had seen in the past with friends or family but couldn't recognize it within myself until now. And what a revelation. 

Stormy Morning Slowdown - Self Love And Self Appreciation

Let me just preface this with the fact that I rarely know what I'm going to blog about, let alone get excited about it. There are so many days that the page stays blank and the cursor taunts me until I get going. Today was completely different and I knew exactly what I wanted to talk about. 

So, I've been writing a lot (perhaps too much) about self love, self appreciation and healing. This morning happened upon a lesson in all of the above and at 5AM for all times. I've recently taken to double work outs. So I'm up at 5 for 30 minutes at 9Rounds, then I get ready for work and pack clothes to run or use the elliptical on my lunch break, maybe add in some more abs or weights as well. It's helped a lot with my confidence and energy. 

I realized that I never regret my early morning workout but I always regret skipping it for extra sleep. I just operate best if Monday through Friday I'm up at the same time and with the same routine. This morning I woke up to my alarm groggy; I could tell I didn't sleep well my last couple hours. I got up and got dressed and went to feed the dog. I heard thunder and shrugged it off. When I walked into the kitchen it was thundering louder, there were faint flashes and it was pouring.

I paused and looked at the "clean" dishwasher light and remembered I had laundry to fold as the rain got worse. I thought to myself, "I can miss this morning, fold laundry and put away dishes, still work out on lunch, oh and watch the Big Little Lies finale with a fresh cup of coffee!" And that is exactly what I did.

What is fresh and new for me, what makes this all blog-worthy is that is I haven't been berating myself mentally over and over for missing the workout. I even had one of my closest friends give me "permission" for a rest day. I'm recently really sensitive about my rest days. I reserve them for the weekend because Saturdays are super busy and Sundays my gym is closed and I always hope to be more calm. Not hating or punishing myself for indulging in a little rest is new, but also really nice. I'm attributing this to some growth and healing.

I have a big weekend looming as I'm taking on two extra children for my household and I'm not going to pretend I'm not slightly stressed and anxious but I also am not being negative about it or dreading it. I'm fully capable and looking forward to getting them out and having fun with them all. It's also new that I'm saying yes to things that normally I would shy away from and setting more fun boundaries with other things. My inner dialogue has been more positive and succinct. I like it.

The stormy morning forced me to just stop and slow down. I have dreams for a porch re-do one day and I thought, one day I can hang on the porch with coffee and enjoy those showers. I appreciated the quiet while folding laundry, completely engulfed in my show just taking it all in. I rarely take time for much of anything anymore, let alone self care and something so simple was kind of a huge deal and I felt proud for allowing myself to do it all without any mental backlash.

Self love is rough. I had a day this week where I messaged a friend saying I felt fat and flabby and was struggling and I thought maybe it was just a bad outfit choice. I was honestly impressed with my clarity about all those feelings, and that instead of "complaining" about it, desperate for some weird validation or compliments, I kind of just owned it as an off feeling day and attempted to reach out for a little support. And the reach out was well received and kind, by the way.

Self appreciation is another new thing for me. I'm slowly appreciating where I am on the journey and that I'm trying, diligently to continue the forward momentum. Falling into a negative self-loathing place is easier than staying positive and learning self-love and appreciation, in my experience, at least as of recent times. This morning was an affirmation that I'm truly on a good path with it all. That is an easy feeling to embrace on a good day, maybe not so much on an off one though.

It's a process, all of it and I'm sure I will have bad days but for today I'm keeping the goodness close and pushing through. I'm even loving the rain!

I was excited to share about this, not just because it's pleasant progress, but I think we all get so caught up in the grind and the stress of life that we forget that slow mornings filled with a little calm can do wonders for the mind, body and soul. I love that I'm not internally pouting about anything right now and am embracing things instead. I think that's a good sign for the things to come and I feel good about it all! 

The Disney Days

One of the most magical things about living where we do in the colorful, lawless swamp of Florida is we are only about 90 minutes, give or take traffic, away from the happiest place on earth, yes, Walt Disney World. When my daughter was turning 2 and was still free admission at Disney, my sister in Oregon insisted they come down and be there for her first visit. Thus started 3 more years of Disney magic, memories and adventures.

In Florida, residents can get a pass and pay on it monthly like any other bill. This gets them into Disney whenever, depending on the pass level, includes parking and they get additional discounts. If you use it enough it definitely pays for itself. This was like a challenge to us; we wanted to get our money's worth!

We had some of the most amazing times those few years. Oddly enough the Disney trips were always the bright spots when our family was going through our worst emotional and mental times. There was a 6 month period of time when we went every other Sunday and told people we were attending the United Church of Disney. It was a fun thing we always looked forward to.

Some days the trips were for the kiddo. Some days the trips were for mom and dad, depending. Ironically no matter how annoyed we were with each other, no matter how stressful life was, we managed to put all that behind us and just get incredibly lost in the magic of it all. We would watch the other families and the ones that came from far and wide and feel grateful that Disney World was in our metaphorical back yard.

My daughter always loved meeting the characters. My husband and I loved the whole "Tetris" scheme of fitting in the character meets between fast passes and rides and navigating the parks. We had it down to a science at one point where we knew how to pack food and snacks, how to pack water and where and how to buy treats when necessary. One treat was always the Mickey Ice Cream bar and there was a 5 month period where my daughter managed to get one free each time we went. I think she was just that cute.

We were that family that couldn't have a bad time at Disney. We always saw one family at Disney just irate and miserable and it always made us a little more grateful. We always pushed past our exhaustion for the fun. We had more patience at Disney than we did on any other day, and we always made sure each one of us got to do something we wanted that day or overnight.

We found favorite places to stay, ones that were only okay, and made amazing memories and have wonderful stories to tell. We've been without passes almost 2 years and I'm itching to go back. What can I say? I'm a Disnerd.

In my childhood when everything was sucky, my dad took me and my best friend whose life was equally sucky, if not moreso, to Disney World and we still hail that at the best trip ever, until we took all of our girls there 2 years ago and made dreams come seriously true.

I'm really missing it lately and I don't know why. Things are so calm with us. We are on a strict budget and kicking butt. The reason we stopped was because we couldn't afford it at the time, but also my daughter wouldn't try any of the big kid rides and point blank told me she was too impatient to wait to see the characters. We've been on a hiatus and I may cave as a Christmas present to myself. 

When we had passes we had so many family members say they didn't know how we could go all the time. It was pretty easy because we made it a bunch of mini-vacations. During that time we couldn't afford flights places and didn't have paid vacations so little overnights and adventures were all it was about to get is through the year. We made the best of what we could and we always made each other laugh. Something about that theme park atmosphere that took all of our anxieties and put them to good use in being organized, thoughtful and productive.

When we were able to take my best friend and her 3 daughters to Disney in 2017 we literally made it a dream vacation and did it well. They had the best time ever and it will forever be a memorable adventure. I'd never felt so happy being with a bunch of people at Disney. We all had our fun and rode coasters and traded who rode what with whom, and where people sat. We laughed and made fun of things, played games in the line and just had a blast.

I think Disney is just a fun place for us. It's our own little get-away and we have fun being nostalgic and living in the magic. We love the shows, the rides, the characters and the food. I think Disney is our escape back into our childhood but with our kiddo right there so we can all be silly and happy, no matter what else is going on. 

I'm sure other people feel this way too or it wouldn't be such a popular spot but I definitely miss our Disney days. Now we are too busy to Disney it up, or maybe we just need to get it together enough to get it back into the routine. For now I look back at the memories with love and smiles knowing we'll make more at some point. I'll definitely be the first one to crack though.