Between waiting for the end of the world, working and being an active participant on the planet, it’s no wonder we often view this life as being a treacherous task. When I was growing up we never talked about the bad things. When life pulled a swift one on you, you would suck it up and swallow that bitter pill with the last drop of water you had. But I always had writing. I always had a journal, a diary or a piece of paper to write down my letters of life.
I have learned a lot in my twenty six years in the universe and I learn more every day but it never ceases to amaze me when the same old dramatic situations rear their ugly heads. When you grow up as a regular, suburban, middle-class family and come home one day when you’re twelve to a completely shattered existence, you grow up and you wake up pretty damn fast. Amidst broken promises and continuous lies, you create your own little world safe from all the wrongs and injustice. You escape by watching movies, and listening to endless hours of music. In my case, you also escaped by writing. You can take away every pain in the world if you write it out.
I’ll admit, on the outside I look completely normal and mostly put together, but there is a darkness inside this vertically challenged figure. I am an angry person. I’ve cried myself to sleep many times fearing that I would grow to be hateful, just like the hateful one who created me. Now I’ve checked and swallowed my anger so many times, so when it escapes, it tears things apart, but as a wonderful lyric by Frou Frou once expressed, “There’s beauty in the breakdown.”
Maybe I should provide some history. Since I was about 13, I’ve become a guarded, jaded, and suspicious being. I’m extremely selective on whom I let in. Every time I’ve let people see my darkness, it has always bitten me on the ass. So I’ve learned that some people can understand the fact that they just can’t understand, and other judge you for believing that fact, seeing you as holding your own life above all other matters of the world. True, darkened people like myself, are often selfish, but some of us are in fact selfless.
I could sit here and tell you my life story. I could tell you the great moments and the horrors, but would that make you accept me? Maybe it would. But I’ve said it before and I’ll say it until I die, with me you must understand that there are many things that you just cannot understand. Just like I have no real idea how my two best friends feel, having lost their mothers in their teenage years to tragic circumstance, you all have no idea how I feel having gone through what I have gone though.
What have I gone through? Here’s a taste: absentee parent at age 12, tried to repair the relationship at 15 and moved away from my entire world and the only real parent I’ve ever had. My first boyfriend when I was 16 was four years older than me. The first guy that cared about me had a girlfriend and I helped him cheat on her. I was physically dragged away from my new world into another one 3,000 miles away from everything. I almost didn’t graduate high school. My senior prom date dumped me a month before prom to take a freshman after he’d picked out my dress with me. My boyfriend at 18 was pill-junkie, unbeknownst to me, and he raised his hand to me once and almost hit me, stole $1200 from me, almost stole my car, cheated on me and lied to me throughout our entire relationship. An old family friend preyed on my vulnerability and destroyed my self-esteem to the point where throughout our relationship I was a cutter, hurt the only man that ever truly loved me, lost and gained over twenty pounds and completely lost touch with myself. I stopped my life to take care of a family member thought to have cancer only to later find out she’d lied, stolen and lost everything she had. I single-handedly cleaned up the mess, with no appreciation and in the middle of it all; a life-long friend was lost to drama and bullshit. I destroyed and repaired the 7 year relationship I’ve ha d with my husband to the point where he is just about all I have to depend on in this world.
I have some amazing friends who have fallen in love with my flaws and celebrate them with me. I’ve been through some crazy shit. I could write a novel. But really, in the end, I want to know why people seem to be surprised when I’m callous, abrasive and fly my freak flag? I realize I have a kind of clean image but I was raised to keep up a certain appearance and make nice. That doesn’t mean I can’t turn on something completely different.
This world has kicked my ass time and time again and I’m still standing. However, I still manager to get beat up by anyone I let in. There have only been a handful of people in my life who’ve seen the darkness and jump in there with me. Those are the people who hide the darkness within themselves too. I’m into that whole dark and light thing. I learned it in art, its call chiaroscuro, the distribution of light and shade in a picture. What’s my favorite painting? Van Gogh’s Starry, Starry Night is my favorite and talk about the difference between light and dark! MAN! I embody the distribution of shade and light within my personality.
I can be sweet as pie but don’t cross me. I’m a hard one to understand. Recently my husband was brought to tears explaining that with what I’d been through, he will stay with me through the rest and he knows how I’ve struggled and he refuses to watch anyone hurt me anymore. There are people in my life who love and accept me as the mess that I am. I own my fucked-up-ness and wear it with pride!
People find me fake and two-faced because they catch my “shade” when my light has dimmed. I was raised to be polite and cordial to everyone. I was raised to “get along,” with everyone, even if I don’t like or agree with them. It always carried me through. Don’t get me wrong, like the rest of the world, I can talk some shit. I can talk myself into a frenzy, but I can also talk myself out of one…or write it!
In the moments where the world slaps me in the face and I’m perplexed and upset, I write it out. In the new age, that’s what blogs are for. Sometimes when people read my blog they are touched. They see the darkness and they appreciate my point of view. I often write from a negative arena, but there are some pieces that are balanced and lighter.
I’ve lived and learned. I will still create. I will burn and bury the things that have brought me distress. I think Death Cab For Cutie’s lyrics can put it quite succinctly:
“Will I have learned so very little, when these bones are old and brittle?I wait to talk when I should listen and cloud mistakes with false revisions…and I can feel them pulling away as I'm resigned to stay the same. And you can't even begin to know, how many times I've told myself, ‘I told you so.’ And you can't even begin to believe, there’s so many bridges engulfed in flames behind me…”
I write about the burned bridges but I will admit that the dark side of this redhead thought the flames of those burning bridges to be gorgeous in the destruction. I refuse to live in regret. Sometimes I wish that the scenes had played out differently but I wouldn’t take away any of my dark times and bad days because what doesn’t kill you only makes you more badass.
One of my favorite comedians, Dane Cook, talks about how there are two kinds of connections in this world: when you are with someone and you are having a great time it’s a “good relationship,” but when everything goes wrong and it’s a bad situation it’s called a “relation-shit.” It’s quite brilliant, really and I fully agree with the idea. When you’re in the middle of something great, be it a friendship, a job, a city, whatever, you are so in love. It’s always light, fluffy and sweet. When things get tough, it can get ugly real fast and when that love fades, you’re left with a relation-shit. We’ve all had them. They come and they go. I don’t regret them, I’ve learned from them both, they’d gotten me through a lot but don’t be upset with me because I see “the break-up” or the “breakdown,” as a beautiful disaster while you may see it in a completely different light.
I laugh and poke fun of a lot in this life to battle the inner darkness. In the film “Anger Management,” Jack Nicolson’s character calls sarcasm, anger’s ugly cousin or something like that and he’s right on. My frustration often comes out in sarcastic spurts, but my grandmother always said, if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. I guess I thought a little spice makes everything nice…see there it was again!
What can I say? I’m simply a complicated girl; even that statement was a total oxymoron! People hold these expectations upon me and become disappointed when I don’t live up to them but I see at as, if I’m disappointing I’m still getting your attention, right? I can’t say if I see the glass half empty or the glass half full because if I don’t have a full cocktail in front of me, who cares anyway! HA! I don’t like making enemies out of people but if I let you in and you use my darkness against me, I guess we can’t get along after all. I’m not afraid of controversy. I am a controversial being, but it annoys me when perceptions and feelings get rolled into a cluster-fuck.
I’m an expert on the whole feelings versus perceptions thing, people. No joke. I’ve been arguing both sides for years. You feel what you feel, that if a person’s right, but if you perceive a situation to be one way, and I see it the opposite, that’s no one’s fault and you can’t really argue it. Take it for what it is! And yet it’s a constant struggle!
Recently I’d felt personally violated, like I couldn’t think my thoughts, feel my feelings, and write down my story. I’d lashed out, I’d felt upset and then I swallowed my pride and just faced that music. Music is a big part of my life, so I’ll always face it head on, even if they are playing my most hated song. I’d had an awakening though. Whatever happened to sticks and stones can hurt my bones but words can never hurt? I’d been called a lot of terrible things throughout the years and I always managed to stand back up. I’d also seen, first hand, that cordial attitude of getting along, the very thing I’d been chastised for, given right back to me, like a reflex. It’s in our nature.
I’ve created a world for me where I’m comfortable. I’ve selected some amazing people to keep around me. I’ve lived. I’ve learned. I’ve created some questionable objects and situations. I’ve burned things, people and many bridges. I’ve seen the light, I’ve seen the dark. I won’t apologize for being me. If you get hurt on my personal journey of living, learning, creating, and burning, damn straight I owe you an apology, but I won’t stop being me for anyone. If my husband, my family and my closest friends can accept me as the great mess that I am, you should just be able to accept that you don’t “get me.” I’m still meeting great new people every day and finding friends in different places. I may not have been what or who you wanted me to be, but if I’m happy being me, that’s the end of the discussion.
For now, I’ll continue my living, learning, creating and burning, until I’ve lived my last day, learned my last lesson, created my last great achievement and burned everything left in my wake!
Friday, May 27, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
The Music In Me
Music is everything to me. I’m not really a musician but I definitely couldn’t live without music. I have a very eclectic taste and it’s even somewhat random. I can remember some of the most pivotal moments in my life surrounding music. It truly is the soundtrack of your life.
My favorite two bands in my toddler years were The Talking Heads and The Monkees; random, right? I used to go crazy in my “Johnny Jumper” listening to them. We had a vinyl player and I loved all those albums.
Throughout grade school I auditioned for solos in the choir. I went to Catholic school so if you’re not in sports, you sing. Even if all the songs were religious, it was better than no singing at all. In fourth grade I won the talent show for singing “Castle on a Cloud” from Les Miserables. My mom took me to Goodwill to get a nasty old nightgown and I sang to an old stuffed animal. It was my shining moment. I got lots of solos here and there and truly loved singing. I took voice lessons and sang my little heart out.
My best friend and I fell in love with “Grease” early on because her mom was in love with John Travolta. I loved musicals, especially, “The Sound of Music.” When I was about 11, mass hysteria hit when I discovered the band that my best friend and I still obsess about to this day: Hanson. Some may be ashamed but we love Hanson and always will. I had posters all over my wall and to this day I still know all the songs by heart.
Although a friend took me to see Billy Joel with her family at a small event at a local University, Hanson was my first official concert at a big ass arena. I even got a band shirt! My obsession with boy bands, radio hits and the Pop that made the 90’s epic was also mixed with my father’s tastes. He helped me fall in love with Dire Straits, The Pointer Sisters, Simon & Garfunkel, Crash Test Dummies and Vonda Shepherd. Those loves are still alive today.
I fell in with all the music fads here and there but then I noticed that I’d started discovering more music just by attempting to share a common interest with others. I tended to listen to the music my crushes liked and ended up liking most of it. The Cranberries, NSYNC, Letters to Cleo, The Queers, Rufio, The Used, Anti-Flag, Me First and the Gimme Gimmes, Bright Eyes, Ja Rule, The White Stripes and NOFX were all bands I’d adopted in order to have a conversation piece with a guy.
I’d discovered that music heals anything. A day, a moment, a second can be so much better with the right song. You can laugh, cry, sing, and become completely happy with the right song to fit your mood. Friendships, some lost and some still strong, also provided a soundtrack for my life. My iPod is like a shrine to my musical idols. Concerts are epic events for me. Music is just in everything for me, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
You know those scenes in movies or TV shows that are totally made by the music? I’ve had those moments in my life. I’ve also had those days where I listen to the same song over and over again because it captures exactly how I’m feeling.
I remember when my mom left, my dad bought me Fastball’s debut album because I was obsessed with that song “The Way.” I fell in love with a song called “The Good Old Days.” I must have listened to that song a million times singing to myself “I been thinking about the good old days, decorated in a candy glaze…each photo on the mantle, sweet memories that never will go stale.” I remember long drives with my dad listening to Dire Straits, “Heavy Fuel,” and “Calling Elvis.” I also remember all the words to the Crash Test Dummies album “God Shuffled His Feet.” My dad had a knack for picking out albums with amazing stories, which totally plays into my tastes even now.
After I watched the movie, “Almost Famous,” I became obsessed with 70’s music. My dad had most of these gems on vinyl. Zeppelin was my favorite music to listen to at the end of the day in a nice warm bath. I listened to those songs during breakups too. When my first official boyfriend and I would fight I’d blast The Used, “Buried Myself Alive.” I fell in love with punk rock and all its sub-classes when I was 19. I still listen to it when I get upset. Those lyrics “You almost always pick the best time to drop the worst line, you almost made me cry again this time, another false alarm, with the flashing lights, well this time I’m not going to watch myself die…I buried myself alive on the inside, so I could shut you out, and let you go away for a long time…I guess it’s better you trapped yourself in your own way, and if you want me back, you’re going to have to ask, nicer than that!”
I’ve had those movie scene music moments too. This one I will never forget; my friend Danielle and I were going on one of our afternoon drives in my car and we were seriously rocking some Elton John on a summer day. We had the windows down and were blasting “Tiny Dancer,” when we hit a stop light and some local hippies sunning on the line look over and see us singing and join in: “Hold me closer, Tiny Dancer, count the headlights on the highway!” It was amazing.
My husband and I always hit the karaoke scene as soon as we turned 21. We first sang “Jackson” by Johnny Cash and June Carter. He became somewhat famous for his rendition of Gin and Juice and I rocked Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” more than a few times. Journey is my all time favorite 80’s band. I’ve decided that Journey is the best thing that came from the 80’s besides me and I once serenaded my husband with “Faithfully,” to show some love.
I hit the Indie scene hard right after my punk phase and it’s still a heavy obsession. My friend turned me onto Jenny Lewis, Postal Service, The Faint and Death Cab for Cutie. Jenny Lewis is the lead singer of Rilo Kiley and has a million side projects. She is my idol. She’s a redhead with a wicked voice and I would marry her if I could. Another friend got me hooked on the Decemberists, whom I also passed over to my husband. We’ve seen Death Cab and the Decemberists more than a handful of times and would pay to see them again and again and again. These artists are epic storytellers.
They have written songs that have spoken to my very heart and soul. Somehow I always manage to hear them when I need it most and the perfect song always plays to fit my mood. When my ex-boyfriend just disappeared and dumped me, he wrote an apology letter to everyone, BUT ME. I listened to Death Cab for Cutie’s album Plans a million times and played myself “Someday You Will Be Loved,” over and over, pretending he meant to say goodbye and apologize. I heard them singing the story from him, about me: “I once knew a girl in the years of my youth, with eyes like the summer, all beauty and truth, but in the morning I fled, left a note and it read ‘Someday you will be loved.’”On that very same album my future husband and I found “our song.” Some think it to be somewhat sad and slightly morbid but we find it to be raw, real and true. Our first dance was to “I Will Follow You Into The Dark,” which still makes me cry:
“Love of mine, someday you will die, but I’ll be close behind, I’ll follow you into the dark. No blinding light, or tunnels to gates of white, just our hands clasped so tight, waiting for the hint of a spark. If heaven and hell decide, that they both are satisfied, illuminate the “No’s” on their vacancy signs, if there’s no one beside you when your soul embarks, then I’ll follow you into the dark.”
After I saw the film, Garden State, I completely agreed with Natalie Portman’s character, Sam, when said that the Shins would change your life. I became completely obsessed with the song “New Slang.” It became a theme song of sorts and I still feel like it tells the story of my life and it has one of the most poetic lines ever written in it: “I’m looking in on the good life I might be doomed never to find.”
I could quote music all day. When I worked at this Mexican Grille it was an iPod playlist shuffling all day and, not only were most of the songs Spanish, but the only songs I could stand over and over were either Jack Johnson or Jason Mraz’s hit “I’m Yours,” because it reminds me of a first dance with a very important friend of mine.
Music has always made me feel better. I will never get sick of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing.” Whenever I’m down, that song always makes me happy. It’s so true that certain music fits certain moods. I do love crappy Pop music because it’s catchy. I download Billboard’s annoying hits all the time. Even though I truly believe that music has moved in a direction that scares me, and that there are a lot of mainstream, commercial bands out there that are completely talentless and annoying, I still manage to find artists who can reach out to me.
Recently I stumbled upon Florence and the Machine and she is an amazing artist. Some of the bands that I saw years ago that I wasn’t crazy about have grown on me because of a certain song. Other musicians have come to me through movies and television shows or other friends and acquaintances. There is always a song in my head and always a song in my heart. Most of the time they don’t even match!
Everyone has different tastes for music. I used to have fights with an old friend because he would make me listen to bands I just couldn’t connect with but would never give my music a chance.
What is one person’s trash is another’s treasure. Personally, I’m convinced that Fallout Boy and Panic at the Disco are the same terrible band, but kids love them and they’ve obviously touched a lot of people because they have a huge fan base. I’m not one to talk, I love Hanson, who most people cannot stand.
That’s yet another amazing thing about music, there is so much of it out there, there’s always something for someone. Although the future of music scares me because technology has given the upper hand to the lesser talented, there are still stars to be made and epic musicians being born every day. We may have Britney Spears and Creed still in our midst, but we also have Lady Gaga and Mumford and Sons around to keep things interesting.
Just remember that music truly is the soundtrack of your life, so what’s on your playlist?
My favorite two bands in my toddler years were The Talking Heads and The Monkees; random, right? I used to go crazy in my “Johnny Jumper” listening to them. We had a vinyl player and I loved all those albums.
Throughout grade school I auditioned for solos in the choir. I went to Catholic school so if you’re not in sports, you sing. Even if all the songs were religious, it was better than no singing at all. In fourth grade I won the talent show for singing “Castle on a Cloud” from Les Miserables. My mom took me to Goodwill to get a nasty old nightgown and I sang to an old stuffed animal. It was my shining moment. I got lots of solos here and there and truly loved singing. I took voice lessons and sang my little heart out.
My best friend and I fell in love with “Grease” early on because her mom was in love with John Travolta. I loved musicals, especially, “The Sound of Music.” When I was about 11, mass hysteria hit when I discovered the band that my best friend and I still obsess about to this day: Hanson. Some may be ashamed but we love Hanson and always will. I had posters all over my wall and to this day I still know all the songs by heart.
Although a friend took me to see Billy Joel with her family at a small event at a local University, Hanson was my first official concert at a big ass arena. I even got a band shirt! My obsession with boy bands, radio hits and the Pop that made the 90’s epic was also mixed with my father’s tastes. He helped me fall in love with Dire Straits, The Pointer Sisters, Simon & Garfunkel, Crash Test Dummies and Vonda Shepherd. Those loves are still alive today.
I fell in with all the music fads here and there but then I noticed that I’d started discovering more music just by attempting to share a common interest with others. I tended to listen to the music my crushes liked and ended up liking most of it. The Cranberries, NSYNC, Letters to Cleo, The Queers, Rufio, The Used, Anti-Flag, Me First and the Gimme Gimmes, Bright Eyes, Ja Rule, The White Stripes and NOFX were all bands I’d adopted in order to have a conversation piece with a guy.
I’d discovered that music heals anything. A day, a moment, a second can be so much better with the right song. You can laugh, cry, sing, and become completely happy with the right song to fit your mood. Friendships, some lost and some still strong, also provided a soundtrack for my life. My iPod is like a shrine to my musical idols. Concerts are epic events for me. Music is just in everything for me, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
You know those scenes in movies or TV shows that are totally made by the music? I’ve had those moments in my life. I’ve also had those days where I listen to the same song over and over again because it captures exactly how I’m feeling.
I remember when my mom left, my dad bought me Fastball’s debut album because I was obsessed with that song “The Way.” I fell in love with a song called “The Good Old Days.” I must have listened to that song a million times singing to myself “I been thinking about the good old days, decorated in a candy glaze…each photo on the mantle, sweet memories that never will go stale.” I remember long drives with my dad listening to Dire Straits, “Heavy Fuel,” and “Calling Elvis.” I also remember all the words to the Crash Test Dummies album “God Shuffled His Feet.” My dad had a knack for picking out albums with amazing stories, which totally plays into my tastes even now.
After I watched the movie, “Almost Famous,” I became obsessed with 70’s music. My dad had most of these gems on vinyl. Zeppelin was my favorite music to listen to at the end of the day in a nice warm bath. I listened to those songs during breakups too. When my first official boyfriend and I would fight I’d blast The Used, “Buried Myself Alive.” I fell in love with punk rock and all its sub-classes when I was 19. I still listen to it when I get upset. Those lyrics “You almost always pick the best time to drop the worst line, you almost made me cry again this time, another false alarm, with the flashing lights, well this time I’m not going to watch myself die…I buried myself alive on the inside, so I could shut you out, and let you go away for a long time…I guess it’s better you trapped yourself in your own way, and if you want me back, you’re going to have to ask, nicer than that!”
I’ve had those movie scene music moments too. This one I will never forget; my friend Danielle and I were going on one of our afternoon drives in my car and we were seriously rocking some Elton John on a summer day. We had the windows down and were blasting “Tiny Dancer,” when we hit a stop light and some local hippies sunning on the line look over and see us singing and join in: “Hold me closer, Tiny Dancer, count the headlights on the highway!” It was amazing.
My husband and I always hit the karaoke scene as soon as we turned 21. We first sang “Jackson” by Johnny Cash and June Carter. He became somewhat famous for his rendition of Gin and Juice and I rocked Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” more than a few times. Journey is my all time favorite 80’s band. I’ve decided that Journey is the best thing that came from the 80’s besides me and I once serenaded my husband with “Faithfully,” to show some love.
I hit the Indie scene hard right after my punk phase and it’s still a heavy obsession. My friend turned me onto Jenny Lewis, Postal Service, The Faint and Death Cab for Cutie. Jenny Lewis is the lead singer of Rilo Kiley and has a million side projects. She is my idol. She’s a redhead with a wicked voice and I would marry her if I could. Another friend got me hooked on the Decemberists, whom I also passed over to my husband. We’ve seen Death Cab and the Decemberists more than a handful of times and would pay to see them again and again and again. These artists are epic storytellers.
They have written songs that have spoken to my very heart and soul. Somehow I always manage to hear them when I need it most and the perfect song always plays to fit my mood. When my ex-boyfriend just disappeared and dumped me, he wrote an apology letter to everyone, BUT ME. I listened to Death Cab for Cutie’s album Plans a million times and played myself “Someday You Will Be Loved,” over and over, pretending he meant to say goodbye and apologize. I heard them singing the story from him, about me: “I once knew a girl in the years of my youth, with eyes like the summer, all beauty and truth, but in the morning I fled, left a note and it read ‘Someday you will be loved.’”On that very same album my future husband and I found “our song.” Some think it to be somewhat sad and slightly morbid but we find it to be raw, real and true. Our first dance was to “I Will Follow You Into The Dark,” which still makes me cry:
“Love of mine, someday you will die, but I’ll be close behind, I’ll follow you into the dark. No blinding light, or tunnels to gates of white, just our hands clasped so tight, waiting for the hint of a spark. If heaven and hell decide, that they both are satisfied, illuminate the “No’s” on their vacancy signs, if there’s no one beside you when your soul embarks, then I’ll follow you into the dark.”
After I saw the film, Garden State, I completely agreed with Natalie Portman’s character, Sam, when said that the Shins would change your life. I became completely obsessed with the song “New Slang.” It became a theme song of sorts and I still feel like it tells the story of my life and it has one of the most poetic lines ever written in it: “I’m looking in on the good life I might be doomed never to find.”
I could quote music all day. When I worked at this Mexican Grille it was an iPod playlist shuffling all day and, not only were most of the songs Spanish, but the only songs I could stand over and over were either Jack Johnson or Jason Mraz’s hit “I’m Yours,” because it reminds me of a first dance with a very important friend of mine.
Music has always made me feel better. I will never get sick of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing.” Whenever I’m down, that song always makes me happy. It’s so true that certain music fits certain moods. I do love crappy Pop music because it’s catchy. I download Billboard’s annoying hits all the time. Even though I truly believe that music has moved in a direction that scares me, and that there are a lot of mainstream, commercial bands out there that are completely talentless and annoying, I still manage to find artists who can reach out to me.
Recently I stumbled upon Florence and the Machine and she is an amazing artist. Some of the bands that I saw years ago that I wasn’t crazy about have grown on me because of a certain song. Other musicians have come to me through movies and television shows or other friends and acquaintances. There is always a song in my head and always a song in my heart. Most of the time they don’t even match!
Everyone has different tastes for music. I used to have fights with an old friend because he would make me listen to bands I just couldn’t connect with but would never give my music a chance.
What is one person’s trash is another’s treasure. Personally, I’m convinced that Fallout Boy and Panic at the Disco are the same terrible band, but kids love them and they’ve obviously touched a lot of people because they have a huge fan base. I’m not one to talk, I love Hanson, who most people cannot stand.
That’s yet another amazing thing about music, there is so much of it out there, there’s always something for someone. Although the future of music scares me because technology has given the upper hand to the lesser talented, there are still stars to be made and epic musicians being born every day. We may have Britney Spears and Creed still in our midst, but we also have Lady Gaga and Mumford and Sons around to keep things interesting.
Just remember that music truly is the soundtrack of your life, so what’s on your playlist?
The "Big" Scenario
Who hasn’t seen Tom Hank’s classic film and portrayal of Josh in “Big?” If you haven’t seen this movie, then we can’t even be friends. It’s a personal favorite and still makes me laugh and cry.
Have you ever had that moment where you wake up and you’re not the same as you were the day before? Or let me ask this, did you just wake up one day and be grown up? It’s terrifying!
Granted, I didn’t go to bed thirteen and wake up 26 but still. I think I’m officially a grown up. Don’t know how I got there. I was a late bloomer for sure, in every sense of the word. My mom let me have sports bras because all the other 12 year olds were getting boobs and mine weren’t even noticeable. I played with my American Girl dolls until I was 14. I loved dressing them for holidays. My first date and my first boyfriend weren’t until I was 16. The all the sudden I became the adult in many situations and fully took responsibility for all of my choices, no matter how stupid, but I was and probably still am, a total kid at heart.
I’ve been a nanny for 14 years of my life because of this. Being child-like is so much better. I still get giddy at Universal Studios and Disney World and I still have “toys.” My favorite stuffed animal is still in my bed. I love making crafts and coloring in coloring books. I got married and learned what love actually was at 24 after living with him first. I waited until I was 21 to get a credit card. I had a serious savings account at 22 and I’m still not quite ready for babies. Hell, we just committed to a dog! We pay rent, we’ve never bought a new car and we don’t buy ridiculous things. We have credit card debt but it’s under $5,000 so I think we’re okay.
But yesterday, the grown up-ness happened. Today I woke up and I had the “Big” scenario. I’d just spoken to my best friend the other night about how we’ve made these conscious choices and then we kind of become victims of our circumstance. I told her that we choose this one path and end up wandering on it then think, “How did I get here?” It’s like those late night drives where you can’t really remember how you got home.
My husband has been seriously wrestling with job things. He toyed with the idea of school but it just costs too much and in his words, he didn’t “bust his ass,” for all of these years to start from scratch. He’s a chef, and he’s got an epic resume. He came to a crossroads in his career and finally has the opportunity he’s been wanting. Either way, we are in a far better position than we have been. His hard work has paid off! But yesterday he was given an opportunity he just can’t pass up and he had a serious discussion about our future with me.
We have these fun dreams and fantasies. We want to live on the same street that the family I worked as a nanny for all those years lives on so they can help raise our babies. But then my Dad has this amazing acreage in Oregon just ripe for a kick-ass house, so we want my architectural genius of an Uncle to design it, with Eben’s dream kitchen of course! And then we’ll turn that property into a commune of some sort where all of our friends have little cabins here and there. But I also still want to make one more crazy move to a big city, and travel in Europe. Basically I want to win the lottery!
So my husband levels with me and says, “Look, I know that you want to move back to Oregon in a few years but I need to take this opportunity and if I do you need to be okay with us waiting a little longer.” At my opposing look he interjected, “Not forever, but a bit longer.” The bargaining began. He starts telling me he wants us to be able to get another car and buy a house while the market is cheap so we can sell it later and make money off of it.
Hey, I’m a rent kind of girl! I love me a fabulous apartment. I love moving around, finding new areas. A house is a house. Once you are in, you are in! And we had never talked about buying a house down here. I was taken aback. I mean I just wanted a new car, new computer, flat screen TV and vacation time that won’t bankrupt us but he was talking the big time here!
He said the new opportunity included benefit and I heard “babies!” So I say, “If you keep me here you need to understand that I want to start trying to have a baby in a year and a half. I want my baby to grow up in Oregon so my plan for the future may intersect with yours and move on without you. You have to let me fly home and look for houses and keep the moving forward thing happening even if we are here for a handful more of years. I will follow you but you have to be going where I am in the long run.”
Real benefits, real health insurance, means a real life. Doctors appointments, new glasses for my man, dental care, everything you dream about having when you hit 23 and you can’t mooch off of your parents for it anymore. This meant that having children wouldn’t have to wait forever and ever. The non-health insurance thing was the only birth control we had at this point. Benefits opened a whole new door!
We must have hashed this out for an hour and then we agreed. He had to jump on this. We both did. There is no question. And I woke up this morning and thought…wow. He’s going to want to look at houses. We are going to have to move to a new place closer to work to make things more convenient this fall and then we are going to go car shopping. We are going to be making real money and have real health benefits. We are going to be stable and then some.
I immediately became excited. We will be able to pay off the credit card and get the things I’ve been wanting so much. At first when he muttered “Buy a house,” I shrugged. As if I don’t clean enough space in the apartment! But then I thought, we can paint things, we can pick out real furniture, we can really make a home. We’d never had that chance before and it will be coming to us by the time the world ends in 2012, haha!
I woke up this morning and felt like I’d gone from 18 to 26 with new realities and responsibilities. It was a strange, yet awesome feeling. Although nothing is set in stone yet, it’s like bottled promise. The promise of a kind of life I’d thought was a far off reality. Even though I still got a little fantastical with it all, I found myself looking at new apartment and even home listings just because the dream would be becoming a reality.
So maybe I didn’t have to move to NYC and get a job with no skills and the mind of a 13 year old, but I did have to grow up and make some serious decisions with the man I love determining the path the Chriss’s would be taking. Maybe in 6 years I won’t remember how we got there, maybe these conscious choices won’t be what I expected at all, but at least, for now, I’m ready to get into the game a grow up…a little. I’ll still have my stuffed animals with me along the way, and I’ll still get excited to go to the theme parks, but at least I’ll enter the world of adulthood, bills, and responsibilities knowing I can kick its ass just like I’ve done with most everything else!
Have you ever had that moment where you wake up and you’re not the same as you were the day before? Or let me ask this, did you just wake up one day and be grown up? It’s terrifying!
Granted, I didn’t go to bed thirteen and wake up 26 but still. I think I’m officially a grown up. Don’t know how I got there. I was a late bloomer for sure, in every sense of the word. My mom let me have sports bras because all the other 12 year olds were getting boobs and mine weren’t even noticeable. I played with my American Girl dolls until I was 14. I loved dressing them for holidays. My first date and my first boyfriend weren’t until I was 16. The all the sudden I became the adult in many situations and fully took responsibility for all of my choices, no matter how stupid, but I was and probably still am, a total kid at heart.
I’ve been a nanny for 14 years of my life because of this. Being child-like is so much better. I still get giddy at Universal Studios and Disney World and I still have “toys.” My favorite stuffed animal is still in my bed. I love making crafts and coloring in coloring books. I got married and learned what love actually was at 24 after living with him first. I waited until I was 21 to get a credit card. I had a serious savings account at 22 and I’m still not quite ready for babies. Hell, we just committed to a dog! We pay rent, we’ve never bought a new car and we don’t buy ridiculous things. We have credit card debt but it’s under $5,000 so I think we’re okay.
But yesterday, the grown up-ness happened. Today I woke up and I had the “Big” scenario. I’d just spoken to my best friend the other night about how we’ve made these conscious choices and then we kind of become victims of our circumstance. I told her that we choose this one path and end up wandering on it then think, “How did I get here?” It’s like those late night drives where you can’t really remember how you got home.
My husband has been seriously wrestling with job things. He toyed with the idea of school but it just costs too much and in his words, he didn’t “bust his ass,” for all of these years to start from scratch. He’s a chef, and he’s got an epic resume. He came to a crossroads in his career and finally has the opportunity he’s been wanting. Either way, we are in a far better position than we have been. His hard work has paid off! But yesterday he was given an opportunity he just can’t pass up and he had a serious discussion about our future with me.
We have these fun dreams and fantasies. We want to live on the same street that the family I worked as a nanny for all those years lives on so they can help raise our babies. But then my Dad has this amazing acreage in Oregon just ripe for a kick-ass house, so we want my architectural genius of an Uncle to design it, with Eben’s dream kitchen of course! And then we’ll turn that property into a commune of some sort where all of our friends have little cabins here and there. But I also still want to make one more crazy move to a big city, and travel in Europe. Basically I want to win the lottery!
So my husband levels with me and says, “Look, I know that you want to move back to Oregon in a few years but I need to take this opportunity and if I do you need to be okay with us waiting a little longer.” At my opposing look he interjected, “Not forever, but a bit longer.” The bargaining began. He starts telling me he wants us to be able to get another car and buy a house while the market is cheap so we can sell it later and make money off of it.
Hey, I’m a rent kind of girl! I love me a fabulous apartment. I love moving around, finding new areas. A house is a house. Once you are in, you are in! And we had never talked about buying a house down here. I was taken aback. I mean I just wanted a new car, new computer, flat screen TV and vacation time that won’t bankrupt us but he was talking the big time here!
He said the new opportunity included benefit and I heard “babies!” So I say, “If you keep me here you need to understand that I want to start trying to have a baby in a year and a half. I want my baby to grow up in Oregon so my plan for the future may intersect with yours and move on without you. You have to let me fly home and look for houses and keep the moving forward thing happening even if we are here for a handful more of years. I will follow you but you have to be going where I am in the long run.”
Real benefits, real health insurance, means a real life. Doctors appointments, new glasses for my man, dental care, everything you dream about having when you hit 23 and you can’t mooch off of your parents for it anymore. This meant that having children wouldn’t have to wait forever and ever. The non-health insurance thing was the only birth control we had at this point. Benefits opened a whole new door!
We must have hashed this out for an hour and then we agreed. He had to jump on this. We both did. There is no question. And I woke up this morning and thought…wow. He’s going to want to look at houses. We are going to have to move to a new place closer to work to make things more convenient this fall and then we are going to go car shopping. We are going to be making real money and have real health benefits. We are going to be stable and then some.
I immediately became excited. We will be able to pay off the credit card and get the things I’ve been wanting so much. At first when he muttered “Buy a house,” I shrugged. As if I don’t clean enough space in the apartment! But then I thought, we can paint things, we can pick out real furniture, we can really make a home. We’d never had that chance before and it will be coming to us by the time the world ends in 2012, haha!
I woke up this morning and felt like I’d gone from 18 to 26 with new realities and responsibilities. It was a strange, yet awesome feeling. Although nothing is set in stone yet, it’s like bottled promise. The promise of a kind of life I’d thought was a far off reality. Even though I still got a little fantastical with it all, I found myself looking at new apartment and even home listings just because the dream would be becoming a reality.
So maybe I didn’t have to move to NYC and get a job with no skills and the mind of a 13 year old, but I did have to grow up and make some serious decisions with the man I love determining the path the Chriss’s would be taking. Maybe in 6 years I won’t remember how we got there, maybe these conscious choices won’t be what I expected at all, but at least, for now, I’m ready to get into the game a grow up…a little. I’ll still have my stuffed animals with me along the way, and I’ll still get excited to go to the theme parks, but at least I’ll enter the world of adulthood, bills, and responsibilities knowing I can kick its ass just like I’ve done with most everything else!
Friday, February 18, 2011
An Acoustic Evening With Matisyahu
Following the Tampa Bay Jewish Film festival at the historic Tampa Theater, Matisyahu made a brief appearance before his set at 7:30pm. The Hasidic Jewish reggae musician attracted quite the following and the sold out show was definitely a testament to his wide and avid fan base.
The Tampa Theater was entirely appropriate for the evening. The setting was romantic and intimate, relaxed and calming. Accompanied by guitarist Adam Weinberg, the stage setup was simple with just a stool, a chair, a guitar, a mic and a few amps and speakers.
There was no opener, just Matisyahu and Adam Weinberg for a few hours on a Sunday evening. They opened with a song called “Sunshine,” a relatively new and unrecorded piece and the crowd welcomed it, grooving along with each note. His beat-boxing combined with melodic phrases and slam-poetry like lyrics is hypnotizing both visually and aurally. The audience just gazed peacefully and pensively at Matisyahu just waiting for the evening to unfold.
Dressed in sneakers, jeans, a plaid button-down shirt and a gray sweatshirt, Matisyahu was at ease as he sang another newer song, “Open the gates.” The aura was spiritual in every aspect and the storytelling through music was powerful, to say the least. His prosaic, rhythmical and faithful lyrics were inspiring and extremely calming. Through each song it’s amazing how it doesn’t feel like he’s preaching at all, instead it just feels like he’s sharing his awesome faith throughout his lyrical mazes.
His beautiful and fluid voice filled the theater, and when he transitioned into beat box sections all eyes were drawn to watch him construct such amazing rhythms. It was hard to believe all that was coming out of just one man. His mannerisms and movements proved the music was pulsating through his entire body. His concentration, control and precision with the music he was playing were captivating.
Keeping the vibe even more comfortable and tranquil, he’d banter with fans and completely interact with everything and everyone. He was real on stage, which isn’t something you can say about every artist you see onstage. He was uninhibited and personable. They broke in between the set to answer questions and get to know his fans. He told great family, tour, and life stories that made him even more charming, if possible.
The communication between Matisyahu and Ben Weinberg was as entertaining to watch as the music itself. Weinberg could literally finish his phrases, well his musical phrases that it, just by watching Matisyahu’s gestures and facial expressions. Their chemistry onstage was unique and made for an amazing set.
The best way to describe the evening would have to be, “Zen,” or at least, zen-like. It was enlightening and spiritual in every aspect. When you listen to Matisyahu, his passion transcends through his music as it is, but watching it unfold live is an entirely different experience, in the best way. There was a point when he was harmonizing and he said, “See I could sit on this all day, because it feels so good.” He sang this stunning array of notes, strung together making an amazing melody and then asked, “See, what I mean?” The crowd nodded, implying that we felt it too.
He admitted that at shows sometimes he would say things and know that when he watched them later on YouTube, he’d think, “Man, I’m an idiot.” He poked fun at the crowd and had fun with everyone there. He said he didn’t really drink but, “I like shitty, cheap, beer, excuse me.” The entire theater laughed as he asked for someone to acquire that quality of beer.
During the second and last conversational part of the evening he admitted that beat boxing was the thing he used to do when he cut class. That’s was kids were doing so he did it too. “I never had the focus to sit down and learn an instrument,” confessed Matisyahu. They closed the evening after all the amusing, silly and even strange communications with the audience with “One Day,” “Silence,” “Chop ‘Em Down,” and “So Hi, So Lo.”
The acoustic evening with Matisyahu was truly a moving and spiritual show. He made you feel like you were along on the musical journey with him. It was such a calming and enjoyable experience. His connection with god is as inspiring as his music. He’s an amazing singer, great lyricist, tremendous performer and awe-inspiring soul. Those of us at the Tampa Theater on Sunday feel lucky to have shared his presence and were definitely awakened by the performance. If spending the end of your weekend with Matisyahu isn’t a magnificent way to start the week, I’m not sure I know what is!
The Tampa Theater was entirely appropriate for the evening. The setting was romantic and intimate, relaxed and calming. Accompanied by guitarist Adam Weinberg, the stage setup was simple with just a stool, a chair, a guitar, a mic and a few amps and speakers.
There was no opener, just Matisyahu and Adam Weinberg for a few hours on a Sunday evening. They opened with a song called “Sunshine,” a relatively new and unrecorded piece and the crowd welcomed it, grooving along with each note. His beat-boxing combined with melodic phrases and slam-poetry like lyrics is hypnotizing both visually and aurally. The audience just gazed peacefully and pensively at Matisyahu just waiting for the evening to unfold.
Dressed in sneakers, jeans, a plaid button-down shirt and a gray sweatshirt, Matisyahu was at ease as he sang another newer song, “Open the gates.” The aura was spiritual in every aspect and the storytelling through music was powerful, to say the least. His prosaic, rhythmical and faithful lyrics were inspiring and extremely calming. Through each song it’s amazing how it doesn’t feel like he’s preaching at all, instead it just feels like he’s sharing his awesome faith throughout his lyrical mazes.
His beautiful and fluid voice filled the theater, and when he transitioned into beat box sections all eyes were drawn to watch him construct such amazing rhythms. It was hard to believe all that was coming out of just one man. His mannerisms and movements proved the music was pulsating through his entire body. His concentration, control and precision with the music he was playing were captivating.
Keeping the vibe even more comfortable and tranquil, he’d banter with fans and completely interact with everything and everyone. He was real on stage, which isn’t something you can say about every artist you see onstage. He was uninhibited and personable. They broke in between the set to answer questions and get to know his fans. He told great family, tour, and life stories that made him even more charming, if possible.
The communication between Matisyahu and Ben Weinberg was as entertaining to watch as the music itself. Weinberg could literally finish his phrases, well his musical phrases that it, just by watching Matisyahu’s gestures and facial expressions. Their chemistry onstage was unique and made for an amazing set.
The best way to describe the evening would have to be, “Zen,” or at least, zen-like. It was enlightening and spiritual in every aspect. When you listen to Matisyahu, his passion transcends through his music as it is, but watching it unfold live is an entirely different experience, in the best way. There was a point when he was harmonizing and he said, “See I could sit on this all day, because it feels so good.” He sang this stunning array of notes, strung together making an amazing melody and then asked, “See, what I mean?” The crowd nodded, implying that we felt it too.
He admitted that at shows sometimes he would say things and know that when he watched them later on YouTube, he’d think, “Man, I’m an idiot.” He poked fun at the crowd and had fun with everyone there. He said he didn’t really drink but, “I like shitty, cheap, beer, excuse me.” The entire theater laughed as he asked for someone to acquire that quality of beer.
During the second and last conversational part of the evening he admitted that beat boxing was the thing he used to do when he cut class. That’s was kids were doing so he did it too. “I never had the focus to sit down and learn an instrument,” confessed Matisyahu. They closed the evening after all the amusing, silly and even strange communications with the audience with “One Day,” “Silence,” “Chop ‘Em Down,” and “So Hi, So Lo.”
The acoustic evening with Matisyahu was truly a moving and spiritual show. He made you feel like you were along on the musical journey with him. It was such a calming and enjoyable experience. His connection with god is as inspiring as his music. He’s an amazing singer, great lyricist, tremendous performer and awe-inspiring soul. Those of us at the Tampa Theater on Sunday feel lucky to have shared his presence and were definitely awakened by the performance. If spending the end of your weekend with Matisyahu isn’t a magnificent way to start the week, I’m not sure I know what is!
Sunday, February 13, 2011
La, a friend to follow close! (If anyone gets that alliteration they get extra points!)
When you make a promise in third grade that you will be best friends forever, and that you will be each other’s maid of honor no matter what, as you grow up, you start thinking that promise will hardly stick, even if you did pinky swear. But with some friendships it sticks. They, being the friendships, stick, and those are the ones that keep you going in life.
They said it best and she quoted it even better when she was my maid of honor in June 2009, and she said, “You have so many relationships in this life, but only one or two will last.” Ah, yes, we live and love Hanson. That band represents our BFF-hood in so many ways.
But let’s go back to the beginning. I don’t even remember our first play date. I know we met in third grade. We both went to a Catholic school to get the education we deserved but neither of us were true “Catholics.” I think the first day we knew we were friends for real was on a “dress down” day (aka no uniform) when we both ended up wearing the same colors in a slightly different way on “Mismatch Day.” I was wearing a pink t-shirt and red shorts and she was wearing a red t-shirt and pink shorts or some kind of strange combination of the violently bright, opposing colors. Everyone said all day that we had to have planned it, otherwise how could we have ended up like that? But we didn’t plan it, not even remotely. That was the beauty of it, the beauty of us.
We nicknamed each other at some point. Being a wordy, spelling freak from the beginning I noticed how her mom shortened her name on her lunch box and in notes but she did it “grammatically incorrect” (according to me!) We laughed about how nicknames were always the beginning of names instead of the end of names. Therefore, she became “La” and I became “Ison.” We still sign cards to each other that way.
Play dates were always a challenge for us. I lived a half an hour away and it was a pain for her parents to transport. Mine didn’t mind but it definitely took a lot of planning. Now that I look back I’m pretty sure our mothers had distaste for each other. La’s mom was an awesome woman who didn’t take crap from anyone. Mine was a loud, in your face, erratic control freak that made things her way or the high way. Regardless, every time we got together to play we had some serious adventures.
We made music videos, we listened to Hanson, and made posters for them. We played with toys, played outdoors, made up silly little inside jokes that were just ours. I think we each admired what the other had. My house was packed with new toys that I didn’t have to share. La’s house was filled with toys that she had to share with dozens because her parents owned and ran a daycare out of their place. My house was quiet, hers was very much not. But I loved her house! She had junk food I didn’t even know existed! She had white bread (which I ate whole loaves of I swear) which had no nuts in it and even the crust was delicious. She had a super Nintendo and great games and a million activities to do all around her. La even lived by my play date “rules:” Since it was my house and my toys, we got to do what I wanted to do and at her house, since I was the guest, we got to do what I wanted to do. How can you pass up a friend like that!
After all these years and all the shit we’ve been through, these are the things that made us the friends that we are. So, however, is all the bullshit. Right between ages 12 and 15 we both lost our mothers. La, in a completely and far more tragic way. When I lost mine it was more mental and spiritual, and La’s mother left the earthly world.
Just like I will never forget the day my dad changed my life with the news of my mother’s lies and problems, I will never forget the day I found out La’s mom passed away. I was home sick and the high school principal called. My dad was vacuuming and I thought I was somehow in trouble for having too many sick days. My dad didn’t even hear me when I said that it was the principle and answered “who is this?” to the person on the other line. I stood there watching and my dad’s face turned to despair and he said “oh my, no. Okay, we’ll take care of it.”
He told me La’s parents were in a terrible car accident, her dad was badly injured and her amazing mother hadn’t made it. I cried and instantly just needed to be with La. She looked so tired when we got to her, like she could never sleep again. Her little brother just looked numb and shocked, not knowing what to think. Random family members I’d never even heard of were everywhere suggesting things and telling us what to do. One thing was for sure: these kids needed sleep.
Somehow my dad and I ended up taking La to the doctor. He asked her a bunch of ridiculous questions about her health history and why she needed help sleeping, why she was anxious, what was going on. It was then my dad pulled the doctor aside and verbally assaulted his stupidity saying something to the effect of, “This poor child just lost her mother and her dad is in the hospital. She doesn’t need to be harassed and asked all these stupid questions, she needs to sleep so let’s get her something so she can do that, OKAY!?”
My only method of consoling her in the weeks after was to make sure she had Hanson’s new release because to us, Hanson healed everything. The girls at school rallied to pray for her and I remember thinking, she doesn’t need prayers or fake friends, she needs to just not be alone and have someone just be there with her. Everyone went on “help La” patrol and it seriously annoyed me. She just needed to find her way…and she did, she has. La’s too amazing of a woman to stay down even when life kicks the shit out of you.
During all of this my mom was in an out, all over the place and I couldn’t even tell La what was really happening. It was “the family’s business” only and we couldn’t hurt the family name by advertising my mother’s bad decisions and mistakes. But every once in awhile we could just look at each other and know that there was some kind of secret level of understanding between us. We were always comfortable with each other, never judged each other or became mean, catty, or critical. We never even really fought.
High school was bad enough. Add in the mama drama and it just became ridiculous. We both got robbed of our teen-hood in different ways. I had to be an adult and let nothing bother me, act as though my life was regular and perfect. La had to grow up, move on and go back to life as if it was the same as before, and it wasn’t. I can’t even imagine everything she went through and we didn’t talk about it too much. We didn’t have to talk to know what was going on sometimes. Our friends wanted me to “save her,” but she didn’t need saving. She needed to just “be.”
We grew, operated with different friends, slightly different groups but always had each other. About a year after losing her mother, I had the chance to reclaim mine. My mother had gotten her life together enough to where I could try and have a mother again. But I couldn’t leave unless La said it was okay. I wouldn’t leave her. I would die for and kill for that girl. I couldn’t walk away without her blessing.
She said that I needed to give it a chance and gave me the peace of mind I needed. After moving and then being gone for six months, as soon as I came back home to visit our “friends” told me La was up to no good, running with bad people and missing school. I wasn’t her babysitter or her keeper. I saw La, we spent a couple days together and she was trying to find her way. It was then, when I was 16 that I told her everything about my mother; the cold hard truth. As I sat there and told her and we cried, I think she felt some kind of relief.
It helped us both to know that our relationships with our mothers were entirely fucked up and we weren’t alone, we had each other to confide in. Since that night when we were 16 and 17, we have been able to go months without speaking but never lose touch. We have those epic two hour phone dates where we laugh and just tell each other everything, and make fun of everyone else.
We had one of those conversations about a month ago, and it’s funny after all these years what we still have in common. La has grown to get married, have three amazing, beautiful girls who know me as their aunt, and get separated from her man all in just a decade. I’ve been through bad boyfriends, bad jobs, breakups and crazy choices to get married to a good man that’s staying around so far. I was maid of honor at her wedding and almost told her hubby that if he ever hurt her I would kill him, with all seriousness, but I changed my mind and let them just be. Now that I look back I totally should have scared him straight. La was my maid of honor and she stood by me.
At both of our weddings we were missing one thing, and we both desperately just wanted to get through our big day without thinking about it. Of course that’s never how it goes. La looked amazing on her wedding day. It was so great. We had a blast, until halfway through the party someone dropped the “mom” bomb and she lost it. She just didn’t want anyone to bring it up. And I knew it. I got her away from everyone and we got some air. She said what we were all thinking, “It’s not like I don’t know that she’s not here EVERY day I just didn’t want anyone to say anything about her!” My heart wrenched for La and I wanted to go after the heartless bitch that brought it up and then her dad said something to effect of, “Hun, people just don’t know what to say, what to do, or how to act about it so they say stupid things.”
At my wedding no one said anything. I had everyone surrounding me in the dressing room and I felt so good and beautiful with my Grandma Mary’s jewelry on, a ring from my fiancé’s grandmother on and a gorgeous dress. I stared at myself in the mirror and looked at La, my friend Else, my stepmom, and my boss, Tess and I just lost it. My mother was 3000 miles away. Her entire family was there and she just wasn’t. And she didn’t care, and I really wished she was there. It was then my aunt and stand-in mother Nancy said to me, “But would it really be good if she were here?” La was there and she just held me. I knew everyone was right and then I went on to have an amazing wedding, just like La did a few years earlier.
La says she missed out on her early 20’s reckless phase, which she did. I missed out on my late teens dating and ditsy phase. The thing is, we don’t sit and wallow. Neither La nor I regret things and say, “oh I wish that…,” “I should have…” We just, are!
When we spoke a month ago we were both seemingly at an amazing crossroads. We’d moved mountains to take a risk some thought was crazy. We’d each rallied the support of all of our loved ones, especially those who doubted us and took a leap. And we sat there on the phone with each other, just reveling in the fact that we were victims of our own choices; victims of our circumstances.
Okay, so we didn’t live the Romy and Michelle movie life that I’d planned for us, but much like the friendship of “Thelma and Louise,” a movie I love so much, we have definitely held each other’s hands while driving off proverbial cliffs now and then. I think the most beautiful thing about La and Ison is that we have never judged one another. We've just listened and we are there throughout the choices, good or bad, no matter what. We don’t live in regret, we live and learn.
So here we sit, 1000 miles away from each other in, yet another, similar circumstance: we are twenty-somethings stuck in a kind of limbo, lying in the bed we worked so hard to make. And after all these years, knowing that La is on the receiving end of the phone and that we are not alone, we have each other, just makes these life phases even easier to go through.
I don’t know what I would do without her. She is my greatest blessing. We have no secrets, we tell no lies, we can finish each other’s sentences, read each other’s minds and we can certainly sing every single Hanson song backwards and forwards. Ours is a love and friendship that is hard to find. In a world where friendship is a click away and your net worth as a friend is measured in numbers and page views, it’s good to know that some friends are the ones to follow close, the ones that really will drive off that cliff with you when it all goes down. So, as we get closer to nearly two decades of amazing friendship, La is a friend to follow close! And close, I intend to keep her…with love “atways,” (it’s a La and Ison thing!).
They said it best and she quoted it even better when she was my maid of honor in June 2009, and she said, “You have so many relationships in this life, but only one or two will last.” Ah, yes, we live and love Hanson. That band represents our BFF-hood in so many ways.
But let’s go back to the beginning. I don’t even remember our first play date. I know we met in third grade. We both went to a Catholic school to get the education we deserved but neither of us were true “Catholics.” I think the first day we knew we were friends for real was on a “dress down” day (aka no uniform) when we both ended up wearing the same colors in a slightly different way on “Mismatch Day.” I was wearing a pink t-shirt and red shorts and she was wearing a red t-shirt and pink shorts or some kind of strange combination of the violently bright, opposing colors. Everyone said all day that we had to have planned it, otherwise how could we have ended up like that? But we didn’t plan it, not even remotely. That was the beauty of it, the beauty of us.
We nicknamed each other at some point. Being a wordy, spelling freak from the beginning I noticed how her mom shortened her name on her lunch box and in notes but she did it “grammatically incorrect” (according to me!) We laughed about how nicknames were always the beginning of names instead of the end of names. Therefore, she became “La” and I became “Ison.” We still sign cards to each other that way.
Play dates were always a challenge for us. I lived a half an hour away and it was a pain for her parents to transport. Mine didn’t mind but it definitely took a lot of planning. Now that I look back I’m pretty sure our mothers had distaste for each other. La’s mom was an awesome woman who didn’t take crap from anyone. Mine was a loud, in your face, erratic control freak that made things her way or the high way. Regardless, every time we got together to play we had some serious adventures.
We made music videos, we listened to Hanson, and made posters for them. We played with toys, played outdoors, made up silly little inside jokes that were just ours. I think we each admired what the other had. My house was packed with new toys that I didn’t have to share. La’s house was filled with toys that she had to share with dozens because her parents owned and ran a daycare out of their place. My house was quiet, hers was very much not. But I loved her house! She had junk food I didn’t even know existed! She had white bread (which I ate whole loaves of I swear) which had no nuts in it and even the crust was delicious. She had a super Nintendo and great games and a million activities to do all around her. La even lived by my play date “rules:” Since it was my house and my toys, we got to do what I wanted to do and at her house, since I was the guest, we got to do what I wanted to do. How can you pass up a friend like that!
After all these years and all the shit we’ve been through, these are the things that made us the friends that we are. So, however, is all the bullshit. Right between ages 12 and 15 we both lost our mothers. La, in a completely and far more tragic way. When I lost mine it was more mental and spiritual, and La’s mother left the earthly world.
Just like I will never forget the day my dad changed my life with the news of my mother’s lies and problems, I will never forget the day I found out La’s mom passed away. I was home sick and the high school principal called. My dad was vacuuming and I thought I was somehow in trouble for having too many sick days. My dad didn’t even hear me when I said that it was the principle and answered “who is this?” to the person on the other line. I stood there watching and my dad’s face turned to despair and he said “oh my, no. Okay, we’ll take care of it.”
He told me La’s parents were in a terrible car accident, her dad was badly injured and her amazing mother hadn’t made it. I cried and instantly just needed to be with La. She looked so tired when we got to her, like she could never sleep again. Her little brother just looked numb and shocked, not knowing what to think. Random family members I’d never even heard of were everywhere suggesting things and telling us what to do. One thing was for sure: these kids needed sleep.
Somehow my dad and I ended up taking La to the doctor. He asked her a bunch of ridiculous questions about her health history and why she needed help sleeping, why she was anxious, what was going on. It was then my dad pulled the doctor aside and verbally assaulted his stupidity saying something to the effect of, “This poor child just lost her mother and her dad is in the hospital. She doesn’t need to be harassed and asked all these stupid questions, she needs to sleep so let’s get her something so she can do that, OKAY!?”
My only method of consoling her in the weeks after was to make sure she had Hanson’s new release because to us, Hanson healed everything. The girls at school rallied to pray for her and I remember thinking, she doesn’t need prayers or fake friends, she needs to just not be alone and have someone just be there with her. Everyone went on “help La” patrol and it seriously annoyed me. She just needed to find her way…and she did, she has. La’s too amazing of a woman to stay down even when life kicks the shit out of you.
During all of this my mom was in an out, all over the place and I couldn’t even tell La what was really happening. It was “the family’s business” only and we couldn’t hurt the family name by advertising my mother’s bad decisions and mistakes. But every once in awhile we could just look at each other and know that there was some kind of secret level of understanding between us. We were always comfortable with each other, never judged each other or became mean, catty, or critical. We never even really fought.
High school was bad enough. Add in the mama drama and it just became ridiculous. We both got robbed of our teen-hood in different ways. I had to be an adult and let nothing bother me, act as though my life was regular and perfect. La had to grow up, move on and go back to life as if it was the same as before, and it wasn’t. I can’t even imagine everything she went through and we didn’t talk about it too much. We didn’t have to talk to know what was going on sometimes. Our friends wanted me to “save her,” but she didn’t need saving. She needed to just “be.”
We grew, operated with different friends, slightly different groups but always had each other. About a year after losing her mother, I had the chance to reclaim mine. My mother had gotten her life together enough to where I could try and have a mother again. But I couldn’t leave unless La said it was okay. I wouldn’t leave her. I would die for and kill for that girl. I couldn’t walk away without her blessing.
She said that I needed to give it a chance and gave me the peace of mind I needed. After moving and then being gone for six months, as soon as I came back home to visit our “friends” told me La was up to no good, running with bad people and missing school. I wasn’t her babysitter or her keeper. I saw La, we spent a couple days together and she was trying to find her way. It was then, when I was 16 that I told her everything about my mother; the cold hard truth. As I sat there and told her and we cried, I think she felt some kind of relief.
It helped us both to know that our relationships with our mothers were entirely fucked up and we weren’t alone, we had each other to confide in. Since that night when we were 16 and 17, we have been able to go months without speaking but never lose touch. We have those epic two hour phone dates where we laugh and just tell each other everything, and make fun of everyone else.
We had one of those conversations about a month ago, and it’s funny after all these years what we still have in common. La has grown to get married, have three amazing, beautiful girls who know me as their aunt, and get separated from her man all in just a decade. I’ve been through bad boyfriends, bad jobs, breakups and crazy choices to get married to a good man that’s staying around so far. I was maid of honor at her wedding and almost told her hubby that if he ever hurt her I would kill him, with all seriousness, but I changed my mind and let them just be. Now that I look back I totally should have scared him straight. La was my maid of honor and she stood by me.
At both of our weddings we were missing one thing, and we both desperately just wanted to get through our big day without thinking about it. Of course that’s never how it goes. La looked amazing on her wedding day. It was so great. We had a blast, until halfway through the party someone dropped the “mom” bomb and she lost it. She just didn’t want anyone to bring it up. And I knew it. I got her away from everyone and we got some air. She said what we were all thinking, “It’s not like I don’t know that she’s not here EVERY day I just didn’t want anyone to say anything about her!” My heart wrenched for La and I wanted to go after the heartless bitch that brought it up and then her dad said something to effect of, “Hun, people just don’t know what to say, what to do, or how to act about it so they say stupid things.”
At my wedding no one said anything. I had everyone surrounding me in the dressing room and I felt so good and beautiful with my Grandma Mary’s jewelry on, a ring from my fiancé’s grandmother on and a gorgeous dress. I stared at myself in the mirror and looked at La, my friend Else, my stepmom, and my boss, Tess and I just lost it. My mother was 3000 miles away. Her entire family was there and she just wasn’t. And she didn’t care, and I really wished she was there. It was then my aunt and stand-in mother Nancy said to me, “But would it really be good if she were here?” La was there and she just held me. I knew everyone was right and then I went on to have an amazing wedding, just like La did a few years earlier.
La says she missed out on her early 20’s reckless phase, which she did. I missed out on my late teens dating and ditsy phase. The thing is, we don’t sit and wallow. Neither La nor I regret things and say, “oh I wish that…,” “I should have…” We just, are!
When we spoke a month ago we were both seemingly at an amazing crossroads. We’d moved mountains to take a risk some thought was crazy. We’d each rallied the support of all of our loved ones, especially those who doubted us and took a leap. And we sat there on the phone with each other, just reveling in the fact that we were victims of our own choices; victims of our circumstances.
Okay, so we didn’t live the Romy and Michelle movie life that I’d planned for us, but much like the friendship of “Thelma and Louise,” a movie I love so much, we have definitely held each other’s hands while driving off proverbial cliffs now and then. I think the most beautiful thing about La and Ison is that we have never judged one another. We've just listened and we are there throughout the choices, good or bad, no matter what. We don’t live in regret, we live and learn.
So here we sit, 1000 miles away from each other in, yet another, similar circumstance: we are twenty-somethings stuck in a kind of limbo, lying in the bed we worked so hard to make. And after all these years, knowing that La is on the receiving end of the phone and that we are not alone, we have each other, just makes these life phases even easier to go through.
I don’t know what I would do without her. She is my greatest blessing. We have no secrets, we tell no lies, we can finish each other’s sentences, read each other’s minds and we can certainly sing every single Hanson song backwards and forwards. Ours is a love and friendship that is hard to find. In a world where friendship is a click away and your net worth as a friend is measured in numbers and page views, it’s good to know that some friends are the ones to follow close, the ones that really will drive off that cliff with you when it all goes down. So, as we get closer to nearly two decades of amazing friendship, La is a friend to follow close! And close, I intend to keep her…with love “atways,” (it’s a La and Ison thing!).
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Groundhog Day with JIMMY EAT WORLD!
After some awaited the appearance of the Groundhog, Tampa rockers awaited the appearance of
Jimmy Eat World at the Ritz Ybor. Like most teenagers in 2001, I too was obsessed with Jimmy Eat World’s breakout hit “The Middle.” However, not everyone was caught singing the words into their curling iron by their best friend coming to pick them up for school, but what can I say, that song was as addicting and catchy as the rest of Jimmy Eat World’s music.
Ten years later JEW is touring once again to play hits off of their 2010 release “Invented,” and they stopped at The Ritz Ybor to give their fans a night to remember. I saw Jimmy Eat World in 2004 after they released “Futures” and they rocked it, for this Wednesday night I expected nothing less and they delivered.
The Ritz Ybor was packed but with enough room to move and dance freely. The crowd was ready and as soon as they hit that stage, immediately hitting the crowd with “Bleed American” everyone went crazy. They have quite the loyal crowd as it seemed that everyone there knew most of the words of the diverse set list.
The amazing thing about Jimmy Eat World is that the stories they tell are so simple and succinct, but can move mountains when you listen to them in the right scenario. Although they are labeled as an Alternative Rock band, their lyrics border on slightly Emo and the melodies parallel punk from time to time. They are unique indeed, and their poetic tales can make anyone feel better even with a somber sounding tune. JEW can make their listeners feel empowered by the fact that they are describing that feeling you hate feeling and that moment that you thought only you had ever reveled in, with a catchy chorus and a tune that will stick with you for weeks on end.
The lighting displays, with crazy colors and hanging, diamond-shaped mirrors to reflect every change, complimented every single song differently, allowing you, at times, to feel as though it was just you and the band alone at the Ritz Ybor. The audience was rocking as hard as the band. When Jim Adkins commanded attention with his sweet and dynamic vocals ignited the energy in the crowd!
Jimmy Eat World has the ability to paint a picture or even play a video with every song they play. You can literally see the story play out in your mind as they play each note and sing each line. The show was intensely hypnotic in all the right ways. And I’d never really thought of JEW as a kind of romantic band until I noticed the many couples wrapped up together, some even dancing on each other having an amazing time.
Although the drinks were definitely flowing, the crowd was pretty mellow. Jimmy Eat World definitely revved up the crowd and got them moving but everyone, including the band, was so concentrated on the music that it was just one, big rock-along!
Halfway through the set when they played “Futures,” they really hit their stride on stage and continued to impress the fans with selections of older songs, recent ones and everything in between keeping the audience eager and wanting more.
From the loud and wild pieces, to the slower dulcet songs the energy level never lowered on or offstage. To end with a mighty roar they played “Goodbye Sky Harbor,” and the crowd applauded them with such volume that JEW really had no choice but to oblige and return to the stage. After all, we hadn’t heard “The Middle” quite yet and they couldn’t leave their fans without that gem.
Still keeping the crowd on their toes, they played “Invented” the title track of their latest album. Just after they finally played the one we all fell in love with a decade ago, “The Middle” and the fans went ballistic. I think we sang more than the band for that one. Last but not least they left us with “Sweetness,” which made me feel like a teenager again and prompted me to immediately get out my Jimmy Eat World CDs as soon as I got home.
Whether or not you’re an avid fan or just picked up a few of their hits here and there, a Wednesday night with Jimmy Eat World is definitely the best push to the weekend I can recommend. It was a great show, a great set, and a great collaboration of fans and the band to make this Groundhog day one to remember. And yes, I will be dancing around singing Jimmy Eat World at least for the rest of February, if not for another decade to come!
Jimmy Eat World at the Ritz Ybor. Like most teenagers in 2001, I too was obsessed with Jimmy Eat World’s breakout hit “The Middle.” However, not everyone was caught singing the words into their curling iron by their best friend coming to pick them up for school, but what can I say, that song was as addicting and catchy as the rest of Jimmy Eat World’s music.
Ten years later JEW is touring once again to play hits off of their 2010 release “Invented,” and they stopped at The Ritz Ybor to give their fans a night to remember. I saw Jimmy Eat World in 2004 after they released “Futures” and they rocked it, for this Wednesday night I expected nothing less and they delivered.
The Ritz Ybor was packed but with enough room to move and dance freely. The crowd was ready and as soon as they hit that stage, immediately hitting the crowd with “Bleed American” everyone went crazy. They have quite the loyal crowd as it seemed that everyone there knew most of the words of the diverse set list.
The amazing thing about Jimmy Eat World is that the stories they tell are so simple and succinct, but can move mountains when you listen to them in the right scenario. Although they are labeled as an Alternative Rock band, their lyrics border on slightly Emo and the melodies parallel punk from time to time. They are unique indeed, and their poetic tales can make anyone feel better even with a somber sounding tune. JEW can make their listeners feel empowered by the fact that they are describing that feeling you hate feeling and that moment that you thought only you had ever reveled in, with a catchy chorus and a tune that will stick with you for weeks on end.
The lighting displays, with crazy colors and hanging, diamond-shaped mirrors to reflect every change, complimented every single song differently, allowing you, at times, to feel as though it was just you and the band alone at the Ritz Ybor. The audience was rocking as hard as the band. When Jim Adkins commanded attention with his sweet and dynamic vocals ignited the energy in the crowd!
Jimmy Eat World has the ability to paint a picture or even play a video with every song they play. You can literally see the story play out in your mind as they play each note and sing each line. The show was intensely hypnotic in all the right ways. And I’d never really thought of JEW as a kind of romantic band until I noticed the many couples wrapped up together, some even dancing on each other having an amazing time.
Although the drinks were definitely flowing, the crowd was pretty mellow. Jimmy Eat World definitely revved up the crowd and got them moving but everyone, including the band, was so concentrated on the music that it was just one, big rock-along!
Halfway through the set when they played “Futures,” they really hit their stride on stage and continued to impress the fans with selections of older songs, recent ones and everything in between keeping the audience eager and wanting more.
From the loud and wild pieces, to the slower dulcet songs the energy level never lowered on or offstage. To end with a mighty roar they played “Goodbye Sky Harbor,” and the crowd applauded them with such volume that JEW really had no choice but to oblige and return to the stage. After all, we hadn’t heard “The Middle” quite yet and they couldn’t leave their fans without that gem.
Still keeping the crowd on their toes, they played “Invented” the title track of their latest album. Just after they finally played the one we all fell in love with a decade ago, “The Middle” and the fans went ballistic. I think we sang more than the band for that one. Last but not least they left us with “Sweetness,” which made me feel like a teenager again and prompted me to immediately get out my Jimmy Eat World CDs as soon as I got home.
Whether or not you’re an avid fan or just picked up a few of their hits here and there, a Wednesday night with Jimmy Eat World is definitely the best push to the weekend I can recommend. It was a great show, a great set, and a great collaboration of fans and the band to make this Groundhog day one to remember. And yes, I will be dancing around singing Jimmy Eat World at least for the rest of February, if not for another decade to come!
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