Poetic Playlists And Powerful Prowess

Does anyone else have playlists they default to based on their mood or current goings on? Or is that just me? Every time I need a reminder that I can be a bad ass and am mentally and spiritually strong, I somehow default to Dashboard Confessional. Besides the fact the lead singer is completely delicious and their words are poetry, I feel comfort knowing that they have written about what I have personally felt. Today is brought to you by "Bend And Not Break:"

I catalog these steps now, decisive and intentioned,

precise and patterned specifically to yours.

I'm talented at breathing, especially exhaling,

so that my chest will rise and fall with yours.

I'm careful not to wake you, fearing conversation.

It's better just to hold you and keep you pacified.

I'm talented with reason, I cover all the angles.

I can fail before I ever try.

Try to understand, there is an old mistake that fools will make.

And I'm the kind of them, pushing everything that's good away.

So won't you hold me now? I will not bend, I will not break.

Won't you hold me now? For you I rise for you I fall.

I am fairly agile. I can bend and not break.

Or I can break and take it with a smile.

I am so resilient. I recover quickly.

I'll convince you soon that I am fine. 

So this song is a reminder for me, of the struggle to coexist. I'm opening the doors to start talking about this with a lot of close friends and family, which is insanely difficult for me. I have had to maintain a powerful prowess and keep up appearances, and with that, so many people have made assumptions about me that are now keeping us from successfully relating to one another.

I take full responsibility for this. It has been my armor to not over-share or let people in. It has also been part of my denial and justifications of bad situations, to feel like they "probably knew," and just chose to stay separate. Guess what? Bridging these gaps, feels super volatile right now.

Living in the shadows of rough times can make you feel the need to "keep you pacified." It makes you, "talented with reason, I cover all the angles, I can fail before I ever try." As a classic over-thinker, when I needed help the most, when I wanted to tell family how it was, I then pictured the disappointment about not being able to handle my own life, and being told how I was to fix it, and not being heard, so I just stayed quiet, "pacified," and failed even before I tried.

It has taken years to come to terms with and own it all and here I am. Ironically, it's now that I'm faced with avoiding some cacti in the desert, so to speak, and if I'm not careful, I will get scratched while going forward on my journey. I willingly admitted today that I'm due for a therapy session on how best to handle not being so prickly. 

While hanging onto the facade of having it together, I actually put myself back together. Some noticed, some haven't a clue. And now that I'm finally standing back up without being so wobbly, I refuse to fall again, if I can avoid it. I've recently tackled a lot of my feelings of being disrespected and feel like I'm healing there, so the prospect of this being threatened is throwing me.

I have some issues with politeness and etiquette, I've found. I learned young that you may not be in love with a gift from someone, or even really want to keep it, but a gift is a gift so you say thank you and show appreciation. I also learned that when it comes to any shared household and marriages, you thank both parties in a household for any gift or hospitality. What I mean is and for example, say your childhood friend has a dad that's a lawyer and a stay-at-home mom. You don't just go thank the dad for the gift because he makes money. You thank the dad and the mom and the kid because, as a family, they gave you something. Small things like this make huge differences to me, I'm learning and I feel like these variances in gratitude speak worlds.

Resentment has always been a struggle for me; always. I think it's part of the world of addiction and that addiction is still so forgotten to be a family disease. Spouses and children of addicts are always seen as so separate from the issue of the addict, so it gets hazy and often feels unfair. So I do resent all avenues of feeling unrecognized for my growth while being submersed in addictive circumstances.

I've had to be strong when I didn't want to. I've had to take charge when I didn't know if I could. I had to clean up the mess with no help and no hope. I've had to stay positive when surrounded by a million reasons to be negative. And because I'm human, I'd like to get a little "Attagirl," from the ones who noticed at the very least.

In some ways I have gotten that validation, but currently I stare in the face of a situation where not only do I not have any acknowledgement, but straight ignorance, and I'm struggling. I can bend, but not break.

I wish I had the power to "not care." I desperately wish I could shrug it off and walk away. But to quote Arya Stark, "That's not me." What is me, now, is recognizing ALL OF THIS; especially through the power of a poetic song and amazing Dashboard Confessional playlist that I made. I will be working heavily on navigating these feelings and I'm sure this will have a follow up post. But any suggestions are welcome too! 

Away I go to keep trying to grow!

The Two Tattoos

We are a few months away from the 3 year anniversary of the car accident and I love leaving it further and further behind. We all have physical scars, but I took some of mine to the very next level and today I'm going to tell the story and truths behind those scars.

Our wonderful lawyer kept us out of the courtroom for our whole car accident litigation. It was a rough learning experience for me and really overwhelming on top of my kid in a wheelchair and busted up husband in pain. I had head staples and bruises, but no other physical injuries that were extensive enough to claim much of anything, and when we had the mediation, I'll never forget the other lawyer, condescendingly coming to tell me the worst of the news.

My husband and daughter were well taken care of. Besides the head staples and bruises, I walked away with an epic case of PTSD that to this day still comes at me sometimes, but that's not much cause for any part in litigation. When they started talking about the division of funds and hospital bills coverage the other lawyer said, "Well, you didn't really have extensive enough injuries, nor did you have a real hospital stay for you to be awarded much for the case."

I had to hold my tongue until he left the room and then whispered to my husband, "I'm sorry, you're not damaged enough? Is that what he just said?" My husband just did his calm down quelling and sighed at me. My anger and anxieties flared into a momentary frenzy of, "Yeah she was left with a kid in a wheelchair and a husband in constant pain needing shoulder surgery and all the stress of everything else, having to re-potty train her kid, cleaning, getting her daughter in and out of the wheelchair, getting up to give her more tylenol for her broken legs because her husband's broken ribs wouldn't allow him to physically help, and I almost got out in the middle of highway 19 a week after the car accident in a traumatic panic attack being near the scene, I have nightmares, but sure it's all fine right!?? YOU'RE NOT DAMAGED ENOUGH!???"

I sighed feeling defeated but signed away all the things just wanting to be done with everything. We later had a one on one with a judge after my daughter's second surgery, the drama having spanned almost 8 months, and I just wanted it to be over and done.

It was in the midst of all of this and all the mayhem that I reconnected with my music. As ridiculous as this may sound, it was Hanson that completely saved me when I revisited their album, "Underneath." I've found that, especially since the car accident, too many of my favorite bands and artists songs, have completely new, and relevant meaning in current time frames and I've intensely embraced them. We'll come back to this part later.

Still being angry that I was somehow made to be inferior in comparison and unscathed from the accident, I decided, "Oh, I'll show you some pain from the accident alright. I can take the pain."

I'm not sure what about me sends the message of "Wuss," but I can physically handle more than most people think I can. In fact the only time I think I deserve "wuss" status is anywhere near a snake, not joking, I am insanely, panic-attack-worthy, terrified of snakes. Anything non-snakey, I am a boss.

I actually have a higher tolerance for pain, it's a redhead thing I guess. I pushed out my child with no drugs, yes, a completely natural birth. I've hurt myself often and power through, although have never had a broken bone, just sprains. My back tattoo hurt a lot when I was 18, but I didn't cry or complain. With this in mind, that's where I went, back to the tattoo parlor to get a dose of pain.

The first tattoo I got was kind of a 3-fer. In the wake of the accident I'd really begun to embrace and discuss my depression and anxiety. Mental health stuff was becoming more "normalized" and I was on board with all of that. I think most people were waiting for me to have a meltdown anyway. During this time also, the semicolon movement was gaining traction:

When I found this, it touched me and I felt really connected to it from every walk of my life. I'd struggled with depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts in my youth and now PTSD so many reasons why I would relate. I started looking at tattoo designs. For Project Semicolon or the semicolon movement the hook was "My story isn't over yet." So yeah, I could claim I was a writer, but if you know me, you know I could never survive this life without my music.

Ironically, I failed at all of my lessons besides voice lessons, so I never played music successfully, only sang. But I am the most music-obsessed, avid concert-goer, you will ever meet. The closest to a pure spiritual experience I have every had, would be in the presence of live music.

So a friend of a friend had a friend of a friend who's dad owned a tattoo studio super close by with great prices and she helped me come up with this:

Behind my ear, this was my treble clef semi-colon design to say, "My song wasn't over yet." As a 3-fer it was, music related, trauma related, and supported mental health awareness. It was cute, simple and affordable. All of my tattoos embody one rule: make sure it very much cover-up-able. When I was still working at the dealership, this was a very important rule. Getting this tattoo was the first of three that I would get in the next year, but the first in my important music-themed healing process.

Once I had this little one, I wanted more and bigger! I'd done that thing that 18 year old people do and gotten my first tattoo on my lower hip-tummy area at age 18, maybe even the day of. It was a super nerdy Lord of the Rings related tattoo; yeah I know. I can feel the laughs and eye rolls. Anywho, it was pretty silly so I decided I wanted to get it covered by my next one.

Back to my Hanson re-kindling of a love affair; I've outed myself as a legit Hanson fan before. I have NO shame about this. Listen to their entire catalog because they are amazing musicians and songwriters, and you can't argue that, I'll win, trust me. When I am in my darkest places, I always go back to Hanson, and they always clear the clouds above me and remind me of what I need to push through. 

I'd been repeating the same few songs with them post-accident including many off of their 2004 release, "Underneath." Somehow I kept revisiting mostly just tracks from this one and I remembered the awesome album pamphlet containing this:

The first song on the album is called "Strong Enough to Break," and the lyrics are: 

It soon became my theme song. Over and over, "I start feeling strong enough to break! Things keep coming and I keep stumbling..." Over and over. Then I would turn on the title track, "Underneath," over and over:

It was like they were singing to just me, about just me, but not in the romanticized way from my childhood. It was as if they were saying, "Hey, you've been through a lot and you're still going. You got this!" Lastly from Hanson's 2007 album, The Walk, came the final inspiration from, "Been There Before."

This song is about their experiences with other songs and their familiarity. The chorus sings: 

Tell me does it move you

Does it soothe you

Does it fill your heart and soul with the

Roots of rock and roll

Does it move you

Does it soothe you

Does it fill your heart and soul with the

Roots of rock and roll

Na na na na na na, I've been there before

Na na na na na na, I've been there before

Na na na na na na, I've been there before

Na na na na na na, I've been there before

When you can't get through it

You can listen to it

With a na na na na

Well I've been there before

So finally I had all the pieces of the puzzle for my next tattoo and I had the artist working on all my ideas. When she finally got it together it came out like this:

This tattoo is now over my old one and right on my tummy-hip area and it hurt, badly. Somehow after the accident I just thought that I need to prove that I really was hurt too, even if it wasn't on medical records. I'm sure that's some text book psychology shit right there, but one Thursday evening, with a new YouTube-uploaded Hanson song repeating over and over, I got inked.

 

I kept singing internally and playing this song on my phone, repeatedly when it hurt. Even my tattoo artist was like, "You are a brave lady, this spot really really hurts." The next morning working out and at work was ouchie, to say the least but I love this tattoo so much. 

It's not in a spot people really get to see, which is kind of another reason why I like it. It's just for me, and something to keep my healing process real. From time to time when people see it they are like..."Do I know that song?" And I'm always like, "Uh, maybe?" 

For my best friend when I got this she was so in love with it and proud of me because I put myself through some pain to inevitably heal the pain from the whole experience. But also, we love Hanson together so, she was pretty impressed I think, haha. When I can't get through it I DO listen to it. When I'm at my worst, I am making playlists and over-playing songs that help me make sense of things.

Music has always been my rock. Every era of my life has a distinct soundtrack and these two tattoos are the reminders I literally carry with me as a whole part of me that I chose. I know some people are like, "Hanson, seriously?" But I could share my whole Hanson fan-ship story and blow you all away because, if you know me, the Hanson tattoo wouldn't be surprising or weird, in fact it was overdue.

I love these two tattoos because I think they are almost kinds of war wounds from everything but they are also so awesomely Alison, which is something I struggle with. I very much struggle with embracing everything about myself, and these "inkings" are visible reminders of all that is me. Do yourself a favor and get at least one tattoo in your life, if you can stop there, that is, and listen to Hanson immediately. For some of you, one may be more painful than the other!