The Wonderful Thing About Triggers

No, TRIGGERS, not Tiggers! But what a wonderful alliteration, no? So here we begin for a Monday.

Being "Triggered," is now almost a trendy thing, and there are all forms of it. Some things can bring flashbacks, some can spark anxiety or prey on depression, some can make you want to eat all things, but triggers are real, and often tough to navigate.

In my early experiences for depression and anxiety therapy, they advocate you identify your triggers. This has been a new journey in all walks of my person life and it is both awakening and exhausting simultaneously.

Side comments and sarcasm can trigger. Sometimes things hit a nerve right? For me, I get triggered when I have someone who is extremely drunk or clearly high on pills/meth/cocaine bombard my bubble when I'm not expecting this. See, if I go to a bar or an establishment where alcoholics and addicts just are, I can adjust my expectations properly. If I am anywhere in broad daylight, especially around children, it always takes me aback, not that a parent might have wine or a beer near kiddos, but that someone could be unabashedly wasted around the smaller youth. These are triggers for me.

I know they are triggers for others as well and they can really mess with you at times. When I get triggered I either have a shorter fuse for patience, or I just sink a bit mentally. I feel like I have to mentally talk myself out of the funk until I can handle the situation at hand. It often feels uncomfortable and exhausting.

We don't like to talk about our feelings do we? This is the very foundation of the world of therapy and its profits because we pay to have someone draw it out of us. Navigating all of this stuff often makes us feel like we are in the woods with no compass and no signal for GPS. 

Triggers can come out of nowhere too, which can feel like a metaphorical throat punch that knocks the wind out of you, depending on the situation. I'd recently experienced a trigger where my husband was playfully poking fun at me about being a mean grouch but it took me back "Stranger Things" style to the black-back-rounded, wet floor vignette of watching an older alcohol-fueled argument of being yelled at for being "mean, mean, mean," and other not nice words and it just stopped me in my tracks. I kind of had to sit down and close my eyes and remind myself that's not where we are.

My husband explained a trigger to me where he gets uncomfortable with class birthday parties at people's homes serving alcohol. He said, "If you throw a BBQ for your friends with kids and serve alcohol, no biggie, you know everyone on that list and are offering food and refreshments. If you have a family and friends birthday party for your kid where you personally know all the parents, and you have alcohol available, whatever. But when you invite strangers into your house, people you don't know well, you invite and entire classroom and their parents to accompany them, and you have beer next to the Capri Sun, I think that's a little weird." I keyed into this and saw what he was talking about and I for one don't drink around people I just don't know well. Knowing the triggers, we find our way to deal.

Admitting triggers is tough, especially in a world where mental health awareness is still becoming mainstream. I think so many people just take it as another form of "sensitivity," to life but mental health matters are real and deserve some patience and respect.

I get very triggered amidst the disregard and disrespect for mental health as well. It isn't as intensive as some other instances, but triggered, nonetheless. I feel like some people get the idea to test the boundaries and I'd like to ask, please don't!

 

I've been on this planet 34 years and my mother JUST NOW has started acknowledging my anxiety, depression and related issues as more than just "a hard time," or "over-sensitivity." This is a whole new thing for us and sometimes it gets weird.

This isn't some PSA about walking on eggshells, either. I've lived that way. It's incredibly not worth it. This is about the general respect and awareness that everyone handles their lives and their struggles in completely different ways so generally be patient, be kind, and give them a little space on things.

I've had to use my patience and kindness dutifully lately and as of last night, I had to learn to respect the space as I have also needed my space respected. The wonderful thing about triggers though, is they are a gateway to better connection, and better understanding. A simple, "What triggered you?," can go a long way and getting an explanation can help you be more communicative and mindful for future interactions. This is a PROCESS, people! It is a process that takes time and energy. It's also not a "fix," but it can still mend broken fences, if you will. 

So to kick off a week I suggest you share and ask about triggers with those you know have heaviness in their minds. Try it and report back!

Trigger-y Things, Illnesses And No More Apologies

I found this the other day after church, right before everything went upside down, and it still rings true. Now we can go back to how the story of my unravelling weekend.

You may have noticed I seemingly dropped off the face of the earth. Being sick can do that to you. So I'll tell you about my last 4 days and we'll go from there.

Saturday was poised to be an epic day. We had horseback riding lessons and then a birthday party 5 minutes from our home with some of our most favorite people for a fantastic day. It was lightly overcast and they had a pool. We were in! 

Saturday was kind of a perfect day, honestly. We were in great company. I was comfortable and relaxed. I loved the vibe and the tribe and was truly having fun. My daughter took awhile to kind of get in and get comfy but once she did, she wouldn't budge. We were there all day for a total of 8 hours of fun. I tried to leave earlier, and it didn't work, because we were just having too much of a great time.

We got home and crashed wonderfully and hard, with Sunday plans on the horizon as well. Normally after that kind of Saturday I would have insisted that we stay home and recuperate, but I was already having early coffee with a friend and I felt like I had to make an appearance at church.

Read that last sentence again. The weight of "get yourself to church," was so intense lately. Admittedly it was about 90% self-imposed, but church life had been a struggle. With my husband working 6 days a week, and now Sunday being one of them, church just hadn't factored in. With my personal struggles and refocus on my family life, church just wasn't a priority. But this Sunday, I put my best foot forward and said, "Okay, let's go." 

I walked in and got the guilt immediately and just tried to power through. The sermon, however, was super trigger-y for me from the previous week. I had recently acknowledged my recent weight gain and discomfort and had gone insanely full blast into double work outs, closely watching what I ate, and making sure I was mindful about everything. The sermon was pretty much about what you put into your body affecting your spiritual life. I had a hard time with a lot of it because for me it was far more complicated than that.

I got the gist, I totally understood all of it, but it's all so much easier said than done, and also didn't have time for the consideration of mental health issues, and addiction issues, in my humble opinion. I come from a place of mental health struggles, food struggles, and a family rooted in addiction and these things are more complicated and all a learning experience. When I found out about my thyroid issues I did all of the recommendations for diet changes only to gain weight and feel worse. Part of my depression therapy was keeping myself on a healthy balance of sleep, exercise and food and finding ways to find joy in them all. I married a chef! Food is life! So having it all tie into spiritual wellness was outside of the box enough to just trigger weird things within me.

So, while the message was positive in intent, and a great discussion it was trigger city for this girl. Why? Because I struggle to balance it all. I'm supposed to take care of and support my family, my daughter, my husband, and my dog, all while making time to work out, stay fit, and be a model for my kid, and keep us all on track for everything in moderation and it's exhausting. Look, from time to time, I want the damned Cheetos, but you learn the balance and moderation, and I follow this with spirituality too. 

Maybe it was a trigger because I had brownies at the party, covered in icing and it was the first day all week I didn't obsess over food, only to walk in and feel kind of mentally ambushed. Maybe it was a trigger because food is a serious weakness for me. That day I didn't eat anything until about 2PM. 

We had snuck in an impromptu play date on Sunday at 3PM and I honestly tried to keep the kid eating and happy but wasn't as food-attentive as I usually am. I managed a quick grocery shop in between things too. We'd had almost no down time. By 6PM we were all feeling tired and done when my daughter found her own way to end the play date, by puking on our floor.

I'm not the mom that freaks out about this. I'm the mom that calmly cleans it up, snuggles the kid and makes sure she is comfy. Thus began our long night.

She didn't stop the every-so-often evacuation of her system until about 10PM and by 9PM I had resigned to the fact I'd be calling out Monday and snuggled her in with me, kicking out my husband to the guest room, which he gladly took over. But, at 11PM something came for me by way of stomach cramps and discomfort. Mine was seemingly less than my daughter had suffered. What did we catch? Not a single fever. Both normal temperature-d as ever. We returned to sleep until about 7 the next morning.

Monday morning my kid was ready to eat. Mommy had a slight headache. We had some toast and crackers. Things were mostly okay. When my daughter was bouncing into full recovery that's when her exact progression from the night before hit me, hard and I had to call in my husband for back-up. It was discovered we had intensive heat exhaustion and dehydration. Tuesday was "learn how to eat again" and recover day. Today is my first day back to life.

I kept thinking in the throws of pain and suffering that we shouldn't have gone to church. It was laughable irony, all that ungodly food being forced from our bodies. It was not as though that had cursed us or worked against us or was somehow bad, but just that I should have guarded us better for rest. And then I found the list above. "I don't need to do what everyone wants me to do." Just because church was a good thing awhile ago, doesn't mean I should force it now, especially if it is just too much in every way.

"I don't have to anticipate everyone's needs." It's my job to anticipate the needs of my daughter, my husband, my dog and myself. That's it. Everyone else can chill out, please and thank you. Sometimes I'm a tired mama. "I don't need anyone to approve of me." Okay we ALL struggle with this one. We all want people to like and approve of us, it's completely human. This one is a work in progress. I certainly don't want to be the red-headed heathen.

"I don't have to explain myself." This one I need tattooed on my forehead because I really don't. Sorry, not sorry. No more apologies! "I don't need to feel guilty about my boundaries." No I don't, if I just need some time, I just need some time. "I don't have to say yes if I want to say no." I need to repeat this daily because I get cornered into stuff I don't want to do, TOO OFTEN. Again, sorry not sorry.

"I don't need to feel bad for staying home." Yeah I'm not doing that anymore. My home is my haven and you can find me there, and I will no longer feel bad about choosing my safe space over anything stressful. "I don't have to over-extend myself to be enough." Oh man do I wrestle with that one too! One day at a time right?

"I don't need to feel the way someone else feels." This one was Sunday in a nutshell. I liked the spirit of the message, I just won't pretend I feel exactly the same about things and I won't pretend it didn't trigger me. "I don't have to minimize my emotions." No I do not. I can feel what I want, and so can you! 

"I don't need to pretend I'm different than I am." THIS ONE! I'm a full time working mother of an amazing child, wife to a chef who are both working so hard on their marriage, and I'm the daughter of addiction, divorce and dysfunction trying to find my way. I'm not pretending to be anyone but her. 

"I don't have to put others before myself." My kid, my husband and my dog, in that order, are the only people I might "have to" put before me, but really that is just motherhood and marriage. Regardless, the rest of the world I don't need to keep putting before me and I think I need to read and write that repeatedly.

This weekend and the two sick days put an obscene amount of things into perspective for me and I'm carrying them close beside me. I was reminded that working hard, playing hard and resting harder are way more important than over-booking and should-ing all over myself on a regular basis. I realized how far my husband my husband and I have come, just in the last few months on being there for each other. I realized how much of a mom I am, for better or for worse and I should never let my guard down when it comes to momming right, if you will.

But mostly I realized I'm too old for all the guilt, drama, and putting extra stress on myself for no reason. Life can give you enough trouble as it is, I definitely don't need to make my own. For the rest of this week, I'll blog when I can. I'll do what I can, and I'll feel grateful for where I am on the journey. I have a feeling the posts might even get better as I find my footing again. Thanks for sticking with me!

Poetic Playlists And Powerful Prowess

Does anyone else have playlists they default to based on their mood or current goings on? Or is that just me? Every time I need a reminder that I can be a bad ass and am mentally and spiritually strong, I somehow default to Dashboard Confessional. Besides the fact the lead singer is completely delicious and their words are poetry, I feel comfort knowing that they have written about what I have personally felt. Today is brought to you by "Bend And Not Break:"

I catalog these steps now, decisive and intentioned,

precise and patterned specifically to yours.

I'm talented at breathing, especially exhaling,

so that my chest will rise and fall with yours.

I'm careful not to wake you, fearing conversation.

It's better just to hold you and keep you pacified.

I'm talented with reason, I cover all the angles.

I can fail before I ever try.

Try to understand, there is an old mistake that fools will make.

And I'm the kind of them, pushing everything that's good away.

So won't you hold me now? I will not bend, I will not break.

Won't you hold me now? For you I rise for you I fall.

I am fairly agile. I can bend and not break.

Or I can break and take it with a smile.

I am so resilient. I recover quickly.

I'll convince you soon that I am fine. 

So this song is a reminder for me, of the struggle to coexist. I'm opening the doors to start talking about this with a lot of close friends and family, which is insanely difficult for me. I have had to maintain a powerful prowess and keep up appearances, and with that, so many people have made assumptions about me that are now keeping us from successfully relating to one another.

I take full responsibility for this. It has been my armor to not over-share or let people in. It has also been part of my denial and justifications of bad situations, to feel like they "probably knew," and just chose to stay separate. Guess what? Bridging these gaps, feels super volatile right now.

Living in the shadows of rough times can make you feel the need to "keep you pacified." It makes you, "talented with reason, I cover all the angles, I can fail before I ever try." As a classic over-thinker, when I needed help the most, when I wanted to tell family how it was, I then pictured the disappointment about not being able to handle my own life, and being told how I was to fix it, and not being heard, so I just stayed quiet, "pacified," and failed even before I tried.

It has taken years to come to terms with and own it all and here I am. Ironically, it's now that I'm faced with avoiding some cacti in the desert, so to speak, and if I'm not careful, I will get scratched while going forward on my journey. I willingly admitted today that I'm due for a therapy session on how best to handle not being so prickly. 

While hanging onto the facade of having it together, I actually put myself back together. Some noticed, some haven't a clue. And now that I'm finally standing back up without being so wobbly, I refuse to fall again, if I can avoid it. I've recently tackled a lot of my feelings of being disrespected and feel like I'm healing there, so the prospect of this being threatened is throwing me.

I have some issues with politeness and etiquette, I've found. I learned young that you may not be in love with a gift from someone, or even really want to keep it, but a gift is a gift so you say thank you and show appreciation. I also learned that when it comes to any shared household and marriages, you thank both parties in a household for any gift or hospitality. What I mean is and for example, say your childhood friend has a dad that's a lawyer and a stay-at-home mom. You don't just go thank the dad for the gift because he makes money. You thank the dad and the mom and the kid because, as a family, they gave you something. Small things like this make huge differences to me, I'm learning and I feel like these variances in gratitude speak worlds.

Resentment has always been a struggle for me; always. I think it's part of the world of addiction and that addiction is still so forgotten to be a family disease. Spouses and children of addicts are always seen as so separate from the issue of the addict, so it gets hazy and often feels unfair. So I do resent all avenues of feeling unrecognized for my growth while being submersed in addictive circumstances.

I've had to be strong when I didn't want to. I've had to take charge when I didn't know if I could. I had to clean up the mess with no help and no hope. I've had to stay positive when surrounded by a million reasons to be negative. And because I'm human, I'd like to get a little "Attagirl," from the ones who noticed at the very least.

In some ways I have gotten that validation, but currently I stare in the face of a situation where not only do I not have any acknowledgement, but straight ignorance, and I'm struggling. I can bend, but not break.

I wish I had the power to "not care." I desperately wish I could shrug it off and walk away. But to quote Arya Stark, "That's not me." What is me, now, is recognizing ALL OF THIS; especially through the power of a poetic song and amazing Dashboard Confessional playlist that I made. I will be working heavily on navigating these feelings and I'm sure this will have a follow up post. But any suggestions are welcome too! 

Away I go to keep trying to grow!