Wear And Tear

I tend to write my best stuff when I'm going through some of my most volatile emotions and life questions. Today I'm feeling the wear and tear of things. For any Sex and the City fans, if you recall Charlotte getting all worked up in the shower about things in her marriage and sex life and having to bow to the whims of others, I'm feeling that sentiment hardcore today.

This won't be a complaining diatribe about how everyone sucks. Every relationship has the give and the take. Everything is accommodation, expectation adjustment and compromise. Every so often though, I just get worked up Charlotte style and feel as though I want to quit on life and hide.

Today's frustration is born of mostly work-related things, but considering this is still the best job I've ever had, I tread lightly. See the thing is, I have the trait of being hyper-organized, if I'm being totally transparent. It's something I come into naturally, and it is often used at the advantage of everyone, and at my wits end. 

I arrange the play dates, I plan the birthday parties, I invite the people, I gather friends for dinner. I set the times for moms night out, I book the flights, I restock the house of necessities, I wash and fold the laundry. I organize the school papers, I figure out carpool issues, I book the hotels, VRBOs, arrange the sitters and schedule family photos. It's exhausting actually. But whatever, I'm a planner.

Because of this attribute, it is impressioned upon me that I adopt the plans of others and effectively become a physical google-reminder notification in some cases. I'm the one that checks in, harasses kindly but just to the point of obnxiousness, and puts together every damned life event, or so it feels today.

If we are invited to a wedding, I do all the research on where and book the place to stay and how to get there, and I make sure everyone has proper fitting attire, I get the shower gift, the wedding gift and ensure that we arrive on time. If we host a dinner, I will do the bulk of the shopping, arrange the timing, kid food, activities and make sure the house is spotless.

This isn't to say I'm a one woman show. The husband cooks and helps often, but as far as taking the forefront on arranging? That will always be my "thing." I don't know if he even has the sitter's phone number and he's never asked her to babysit. That is always me. I am commissioned to solve the lack of planning ability of others and work around it, and it tests me to no end.

This morning was a reiteration of yesterday of the reach out, no response, the follow up because I needed a timely response, yet was still left with no response. Finally I had to call and the first question I got was, "Why did you wait so long to call?" Can you feel my eyes roll through the blog? Two texts and an email, and the call was the last ditch effort and then I'm asked why the call wasn't first? My question is...why must I chase what I need to facilitate my day?

Have you ever felt like your world is just pure chaos of the whims of others? I feel the wear and tear of this often. Some days I wear it like a cape and it makes me super-mom or epic wife and best friend to all. Other days I have my selfish narcissistic moment of ,"Well what about me?"

My time with my husband is always on his days off. My mom helping me with anything is almost always by her schedule and not mine. And like a fantastic doormat, or a typical Rachel move, I just work around it. There's a weird line between being flexible and being a pushover.

I don't feel "preyed upon" for my pushover status but I truly feel as though, after going through such long periods of time feeling unheard or having what I was saying misunderstood or downplayed, I just became so quiet that I started saying "yes" to avoid the conflict or explanation of why I said "no."

Just a year ago I was in this weird place where I was volunteering a lot. There were a handful of times where I could say with confidence I actually got something out of it, but mostly I noticed how much disarray there was with logistics and the events were rarely kid friendly. It became this huge stress and burden for me. There were times when I was expected to participate and I'd drive to the next county over and then find out I wasn't needed or there wasn't a place for me. It was doing a number on me mentally. That's when I had to learn the art of boundaries.

It has taken me years in therapy to get this whole boundaries thing. Sometimes I am clear as day with the boundaries stuff and I still am pushed over. It's takes it's mental toll and there you have that wear and tear factor again.

Sometimes it wears on me that I have to be so proactive or overactive in relationships and social things just to maintain them. Sometimes it tears me apart how hard I work with little feedback. On the other hand, boy does it completely alter my perspective in a positive direction for recognizing the people in my life that repair rather than wear and tear.

I have friends that are just healing forces. They completely share the give and take and make our friendship work well. But I can't lie, they aren't all that way, and that's actually okay. Not only do these exchanges give me lessons in boundaries, but I have gone through life phases were I couldn't muster the give and take, and I wasn't the best reciprocate-er either. 

The wear and tear of feeling so responsible for arranging the "stuff" of others can vary. I've had my low down, hateful days filled with swear words and anger about why is it MY problem and why is it MY fault and why is it MY responsibility? Sometimes it can feel dark and hopeless holding onto that internal ultimatum of if I don't do it, who will? Such as, if I don't text that person, they probably won't text me and if they won't text me are we still even friends? Or if I don't set up play dates then the kid won't have play dates and if the kid doesn't have play dates, she'll be grouchy and take it out on me. It can turn into a weird and vicious mental cycle, fast.

Wear and tear is normal. We all have good and bad days. I've definitely been more aware of what it all culminates to, however. Yesterday my anxieties around communication left me hangry and irritable. This morning's exchange had a similar flare up. My antidote is blogging, getting lost in work, and many many reminders that low expectations and taking everything as it comes is all I can do.

Sometimes you have to be the alarm for your husband. Sometimes you have to shop with your mom for things for the granddaughter when it is insanely inconvenient for you. Sometimes you have to do extra for a friend, even if they might not return the favor, but because that's just who you are as a friend. It's all within the wear and tear of this thing called LIFE. A dresser might have some chips on it but it still holds the clothes, so it's still functional and essentially fulfilling it's purpose. Perhaps this can be my alliteration for today to push me though. Heck it might even work for you too!

Little Ears, Big Fears -- Watch Your Mouth Around My Kid, And I'm Not Talking About Swearing

I'm the least publicly opinionated person -- well about religion, politics and such -- ever. I will keep my mouth shut to avoid looking stupid about anything I don't feel fully educated on. Apparently this isn't a common trend.

I try to never judge another parent because as someone who has gone through some serious shit in my parental, personal and household life, you just never know what anyone is carrying so don't speak on it. What I do know is I have every right to not have my kid around those parents, families and children who have shown me that the way they run their household and raise they're children is so very different from my parenting goals that it may deter my child from being her awesome self.

There is one particular little girl in my daughter's aftercare and summer program that I would call an instigator, to put it kindly. To be fair, this kid has not had ideal circumstances for her life, as far as my understanding, so I take it all with patience and grace, or try. However, her mom said something so weird, and it was relayed to me by my kiddo, and although her statement technically isn't false, I just felt it should be better explained and more succinctly communicated.

My daughter said this little girl's mom said, "Sunscreen is poison for your skin." I asked my daughter to repeat and clarify. She said that the other girl's mom said the sunscreen we had was poison for your skin. Her friend corroborated. It was one of those moments where I literally hadn't the words so I said, "Well sunburn is bad for your skin too, we'll talk about this later."

Look, we live in a time where everything is bad for you, everything causes cancer and healthcare is more expensive than a mortgage payment sometimes. There is serious information overload. You WebMD and cough and wait for "cancer" to just appear and be diagnosed. This mother isn't wrong necessarily, I mean I see her point. There are some kinds of sunscreens and lotions that can have bad effects on the skin, but I'm raising an Irish redhead in Florida; she needs to have sunscreen to be allowed outside ever. I get sunburned walking from my car into the grocery store. So making this kind of statement into impressionable 6 year old ears, seems super...unthinking to me. There needs to be more tact.

In a perfect world I would have hoped this mother said, "Oh I read that that sunscreen isn't the best for your skin, you should tell your mommy to try a different brand." Or maybe even, "Sunscreen can be bad for your skin but sun burn can too so it's important to choose certain kinds and learn more." Kids over-react to EVERYTHING, so I think it needed to be more carefully explained.

It's like that scene from Little Miss Sunshine where the dad is giving his daughter the harsh truth about how ice cream has fat that can turn into fat on your body, which doesn't make beauty queens. He said it in such an asshole way, you hated him. All little kids should enjoy ice cream while they can. However, he's not wrong! There is just a better way to explain it. And that's our job as parents.

My daughter went on a 10 minute rant about Monsters being real or not last night, basically asking me if bad guys in movies and cartoons were real. She had a lot of ideas about this. I kind of leveled with her and said, most of the evil and bad stuff was pretend and didn't end up hurting anyone in the story, so she doesn't have to worry. It was funny though because she was telling me how real unicorns and My Little Pony characters are, and Disney monsters, like from Monster's Inc, those protect her, but other yucky monsters were pretend. I mean I told her that sounded okay to me. And NO ONE should correct her.

See, kids are so fantastical, that they over-dramatize everything so you have to watch those little ears and help them navigate their big fears. When she was 4 we went into the ocean on this perfect day and my daughter said, "Are there sharks in the ocean?" I said, "Yes, but not near where we are. They are way out there, not in this part of the ocean." My cousin said, "Nice lie, mom." If I told my daughter that shark attacks have happened in waist deep water in the gulf, she'd never go in. This is why my husband never tells me if he sees snakes near the house, I'd demand to move to Iceland or Hawaii.

Every parent is going to raise their children differently. Maybe some people are done with the Santa thing, but don't tell my kid Santa isn't real. Seriously I will throat punch any adult that ruins Santa for my daughter. You don't have to believe in unicorns, but we do. You can say that Disney Characters are pretend but she has pictures with most of them. And leave me in the Wizard World of Harry Potter for a day, I'll come back full wizard!

The swear words stuff doesn't bother me because she will learn to use them in her vocabulary as intended and everyone hears those words everywhere. Just a few weeks ago she said, "Mom freak is the 'F' word and we don't use it, right?" I said, "We do not use that word, no." Without a beat she said, "The other 'F' word is 'Fuck.'" My jaw dropped and I went to scold her but she calmly said, "Mom I'm not SAYING that word I'm just telling you what the other 'F' word is! I didn't actually SAY it." She had a solid point.

To me it's worse to fill my kid with info they can't quite process like the sunscreen shenanigans, than for me to accidentally swear around her. While that little girl's mom was probably crazy well-intentioned, I would just hope that other moms I know would over-explain things to get the kid to fully understand the scope, rather than just throw out commentary based on a Dateline NBC update or Today Show special. We have close friends whose children have certain gluten and lactose sensitivities. Rather than just say they are allergic to stuff, I've had many conversations with my daughter about how all little tummies process differently and while you can drink milk all day, for your friends it makes them sickie. This is so my kid can be sensitive to others, or so I hope.

If that mom doesn't like sunscreen, good for her, but I just wish people were more gentle, considerate and careful with little ears and big fears. During the election my friend's son heard about Trump's immigration stance, and he didn't understand what immigrant was fully, so he thought that just mean someone from another place or that lives in a place you weren't born. He heard his friend's parents talking about sending immigrants back where they belong, and he came home in full panic convinced his family would be separated and he would be left in Florida alone because he was the only one actually born in Florida, his parents were born in like Maryland and Ohio and his brother was born in Ohio or some such. That is what he thought it all meant! My wonderful mom friend spent the night explaining the whole thing for her 8 year old after these friend's parents had some heated political debate in front of kiddos. TACT PEOPLE! Little ears!

That's about enough for today's diatribe but it was about time, no?