Wear And Tear

I tend to write my best stuff when I'm going through some of my most volatile emotions and life questions. Today I'm feeling the wear and tear of things. For any Sex and the City fans, if you recall Charlotte getting all worked up in the shower about things in her marriage and sex life and having to bow to the whims of others, I'm feeling that sentiment hardcore today.

This won't be a complaining diatribe about how everyone sucks. Every relationship has the give and the take. Everything is accommodation, expectation adjustment and compromise. Every so often though, I just get worked up Charlotte style and feel as though I want to quit on life and hide.

Today's frustration is born of mostly work-related things, but considering this is still the best job I've ever had, I tread lightly. See the thing is, I have the trait of being hyper-organized, if I'm being totally transparent. It's something I come into naturally, and it is often used at the advantage of everyone, and at my wits end. 

I arrange the play dates, I plan the birthday parties, I invite the people, I gather friends for dinner. I set the times for moms night out, I book the flights, I restock the house of necessities, I wash and fold the laundry. I organize the school papers, I figure out carpool issues, I book the hotels, VRBOs, arrange the sitters and schedule family photos. It's exhausting actually. But whatever, I'm a planner.

Because of this attribute, it is impressioned upon me that I adopt the plans of others and effectively become a physical google-reminder notification in some cases. I'm the one that checks in, harasses kindly but just to the point of obnxiousness, and puts together every damned life event, or so it feels today.

If we are invited to a wedding, I do all the research on where and book the place to stay and how to get there, and I make sure everyone has proper fitting attire, I get the shower gift, the wedding gift and ensure that we arrive on time. If we host a dinner, I will do the bulk of the shopping, arrange the timing, kid food, activities and make sure the house is spotless.

This isn't to say I'm a one woman show. The husband cooks and helps often, but as far as taking the forefront on arranging? That will always be my "thing." I don't know if he even has the sitter's phone number and he's never asked her to babysit. That is always me. I am commissioned to solve the lack of planning ability of others and work around it, and it tests me to no end.

This morning was a reiteration of yesterday of the reach out, no response, the follow up because I needed a timely response, yet was still left with no response. Finally I had to call and the first question I got was, "Why did you wait so long to call?" Can you feel my eyes roll through the blog? Two texts and an email, and the call was the last ditch effort and then I'm asked why the call wasn't first? My question is...why must I chase what I need to facilitate my day?

Have you ever felt like your world is just pure chaos of the whims of others? I feel the wear and tear of this often. Some days I wear it like a cape and it makes me super-mom or epic wife and best friend to all. Other days I have my selfish narcissistic moment of ,"Well what about me?"

My time with my husband is always on his days off. My mom helping me with anything is almost always by her schedule and not mine. And like a fantastic doormat, or a typical Rachel move, I just work around it. There's a weird line between being flexible and being a pushover.

I don't feel "preyed upon" for my pushover status but I truly feel as though, after going through such long periods of time feeling unheard or having what I was saying misunderstood or downplayed, I just became so quiet that I started saying "yes" to avoid the conflict or explanation of why I said "no."

Just a year ago I was in this weird place where I was volunteering a lot. There were a handful of times where I could say with confidence I actually got something out of it, but mostly I noticed how much disarray there was with logistics and the events were rarely kid friendly. It became this huge stress and burden for me. There were times when I was expected to participate and I'd drive to the next county over and then find out I wasn't needed or there wasn't a place for me. It was doing a number on me mentally. That's when I had to learn the art of boundaries.

It has taken me years in therapy to get this whole boundaries thing. Sometimes I am clear as day with the boundaries stuff and I still am pushed over. It's takes it's mental toll and there you have that wear and tear factor again.

Sometimes it wears on me that I have to be so proactive or overactive in relationships and social things just to maintain them. Sometimes it tears me apart how hard I work with little feedback. On the other hand, boy does it completely alter my perspective in a positive direction for recognizing the people in my life that repair rather than wear and tear.

I have friends that are just healing forces. They completely share the give and take and make our friendship work well. But I can't lie, they aren't all that way, and that's actually okay. Not only do these exchanges give me lessons in boundaries, but I have gone through life phases were I couldn't muster the give and take, and I wasn't the best reciprocate-er either. 

The wear and tear of feeling so responsible for arranging the "stuff" of others can vary. I've had my low down, hateful days filled with swear words and anger about why is it MY problem and why is it MY fault and why is it MY responsibility? Sometimes it can feel dark and hopeless holding onto that internal ultimatum of if I don't do it, who will? Such as, if I don't text that person, they probably won't text me and if they won't text me are we still even friends? Or if I don't set up play dates then the kid won't have play dates and if the kid doesn't have play dates, she'll be grouchy and take it out on me. It can turn into a weird and vicious mental cycle, fast.

Wear and tear is normal. We all have good and bad days. I've definitely been more aware of what it all culminates to, however. Yesterday my anxieties around communication left me hangry and irritable. This morning's exchange had a similar flare up. My antidote is blogging, getting lost in work, and many many reminders that low expectations and taking everything as it comes is all I can do.

Sometimes you have to be the alarm for your husband. Sometimes you have to shop with your mom for things for the granddaughter when it is insanely inconvenient for you. Sometimes you have to do extra for a friend, even if they might not return the favor, but because that's just who you are as a friend. It's all within the wear and tear of this thing called LIFE. A dresser might have some chips on it but it still holds the clothes, so it's still functional and essentially fulfilling it's purpose. Perhaps this can be my alliteration for today to push me though. Heck it might even work for you too!

The Dental Insurance Debacle

Last year we leveled up, adulted up and got some Dental Insurance. Big deal, right? So with the proper coverage we have been chipping away, again pun intended, at tooth troubles, left and right. We've managed to keep it affordable.

When we got insurance I had just had my office move from Downtown Clearwater to St. Petersburg so I got all my primary care providers together in St. Pete, most in walking distance from my office.

I found a great dentist. They have given me exceptional care for almost 8 months. I was due for a 6 month check up, which I had scheduled out for this month in January of this year. I got all my confirmations and a bunch of calls, and the one call that was weird and inconvenient.

My dentist called and said that somehow my dentist had been selected as the same as my husband and daughter's, which was near our home, and nowhere near our work, and I have never even been there for an appointment. In fact since we got this policy, I've only ever gone to the St. Pete dentist.

I called our provider, Humana, and they said they could change my dentist to my actual dentist until...uh oh, my dentist is not in their network. Hold on, when I originally selected this office in October, it was on the list of providers accepting my insurance. My ration side thought, well I haven't had an official visit this year, maybe they changed in 2019. Wrong.

I called the dentist and they said they DO IN FACT accept my plan, my insurance. I call Humana back. Humana says no. I call the Dentist and cancel my appointment, they say they have spoken with Humana 3 times and don't understand why they are putting me through this and all my previous appointments have been paid for BY HUMANA, with no issue so everything should be fine.

I call Humana, again. They say nope. The Humana stuff sucks, we're talking 5 minutes to get past the automated system, then getting someone who sounds like they are in a call center in Siberia who doesn't actually listen to me, regurgitating the same story and being given different information. I spent over 2 hours on the phone. I tried to call the Humana store location by my house, they transferred me to Siberia. I tried to talk calmly to anyone and wasn't being heard, and worse? I had no chance at an appointment anytime soon and I actually have an issue I wanted to look into.

Why not just go to the same location as husband and kids? Completely out of the way from work and life, and they are not open weekends, but trust me, at this point I might just suck it up and go there just so I can be seen.

This misinformation drains me, possibly more than most, because it gets tied in with humiliation, and feeling helpless. See, we did everything "right." We were given a list of providers, we selected said providers, confirmed that they take our insurance and then set appointments. Now it was imploding, I was being mistreated and threatened with declined services bills and no one seemed to be remotely understanding.

I called again this morning, more store locations, more customer service, more being passed around. I fought back the tears on more than one occasion. How is this so impossible? Finally I tried to troubleshoot. What if I upgrade our plan? What if they take me off the family plan and I get a separate provider? 

By the time I called my dentist they were just annoyed and not as nice and understanding as yesterday. Then Humana finally called me and said that we just have to wait. They said something about the business billing address of the Dentist versus the physical address and we just had to wait and see what happens. There was no apology or understanding again, just enjoy the exile and purgatory time.

They sent me a list of other providers and none of them are remotely convenient. I literally just mentally shut down. I could feel the helpless frustration wave engulfing me and I was definitely drowning. How could it have taken almost 9 months for this to become an issue? How could this be so unsolve-able. Why couldn't I just "fix" it somehow? It was maddening.

I consider myself mostly pragmatic, but when no one give the rules, or gives the wrong rules, how should I be able to proceed "correctly?" This has been a theme I'm struggling with and it shut me down. Usually I would vent this at everyone until it made the situation diminish or get better. This time I just wanted to sleep. I wanted to not "people" anymore. Everyone sucked and I was done.

I finally broke down and told hubby the whole problem and didn't even feel better. It was all so pointless, which I hate. On top of other miscommunications this past week, and other ways of feeling disrespected and inferior, I finally broke down and just cried off all my make-up. 

I still have no resolution and now my eyes hurt. I work so very hard, and diligently I might add, to stay positive. I mantra the shit out of "This too shall pass," "this is temporary," "every problem has a solution," and so on. Right now I just felt like Jack Sparrow in the Upside Down chasing crabs with no hope, wandering with no rum.

It makes me feel so...useless. Also, I think I have so much PTSD of medical paperwork, fighting and misinformation from the car accident (which is one month from the 3 year anniversary as of Wednesday) that I'm just not equipped. It also just hurts me that customer service representatives aren't taught how to be understanding and empathetic, they are taught to be robotic. Sometimes we just need someone to listen to our side of the situation. The few people who did, unfortunately have nothing to do with the fix. Fail.

After all the emotional output I can say this, I'm going to conquer house work tonight to feel more in control. I'm going to power through this weekend and not let this eat away my sanity. I'm going to make sure I'm taken care of in more ways than one through this all.

I'm definitely taken down a peg, but I'm not completely out of the game. If anyone has any advice, reach out. The medical community can get ugly and difficult to navigate. We must tread lightly. 

My Attempt At Being The Cool Fun Mom On Mother's Day Failed Wonderfully, But What A Learning Experience

What was my post about yesterday? Oh how I'm super anxious, overly sensitive and really need clear boundaries? Enter good intentions gone to shit, excuse my french.

So, Mother's Day, when you're married to a man who essentially runs or manages a restaurant, is the worst. Not only does he always work, but if he didn't, he wouldn't dare take you out anywhere, because he knows it will be packed and quality will go down more often than not. I'm okay with staying in, and this morning I had a gorgeous start to my day. I should have expected anything but smooth sailing, in retrospect.

So, I had to take my daughter to get a hair cut. Super easy. She did great. And the bribery? We were going to pet puppies. We've been talking about puppies a lot. About a month ago on a distant mom friend's Instagram feed I saw her take her children, 6 and 8 or 9 I think, to pet puppies at PetLand two towns south of us. We used to work right next to a PetLand in Lutz and my husband and I would play with the puppies and argue about how expensive they were.

So, I have zero intention of buying a puppy, but I just wanted some puppy cuddles. We go straight for the golden retriever. Immediately my daughter gets overwhelmed by the puppy jumping, nipping and being all over. The puppy pees and poops in the little area and my daughter stands on the little bench to get someone's attention and we just hang in the stench a few minutes. They ask me to stand back and hold the puppy.

Here is the most important thing. They give us no information about the puppy except it's a girl. They give us no guidelines about anything. They don't check on us. And finally we get out of the pooped and peed confined space. My daughter asks if we can have another puppy. She picks one that looks like a small Dachshund-chihuahua looking thing. 

We get put in another pen with a bench, maybe an inch higher than a couch in it, and off we go. My daughter likes this one and we play on the floor for a good 10 minutes. I have to ask what kind of dog this is and hear it's some kind of small grayhound? I'm still unsure. So my daughter asks if she can sit on the bench with the puppy after the puppy pees in the corner and leaves a mess so she doesn't get pee on her. 

The puppy squirms from my daughter sitting, jumps off the bench, but slips on the slippery concrete and bonks it's butt on the door. It then sits up, starts yelping at us and whimpering. I didn't know if it was a bark. Immediately out of nowhere a female employee comes over and yells at us "What happened!?" She started the puppy and it moves slowly around. She said, "Why is it limping?!, in a very mean tone?" I said, "I don't know, it jumped from the bench." She immediately gave my daughter the stink eye and said "You're not supposed to have the dogs on the bench. We have to take him to the kennel now to make sure he can walk!" My daughter burst into tears because the puppy was taken away.

I was completely mortified. The puppy was just being a puppy. Puppies jump. They jump off of high places. They slip, they trip, they bonk. Our pug got his paw stuck in a bench and yelped murder once. A friend of ours had a chihuahua mix break it's leg and have it in a cast. Puppies are just puppies. I dragged my child out of the store crying.

I had my whole range of anxious emotions. First, I was worried about the puppy and felt like some shamed animal abuser. I don't even spank my kid when she deserves it. Then I was angry someone made my kid cry. Then I sighed and was like, "Maybe that woman is having a really bad day. After all, she cleans up animal piss and feces all day. Then I calmed my child. Her first reaction was being disappointed that they took the puppy, then that we couldn't see any more puppies.

I wasn't trying to see any puppies after that lady made me feel so horrible, trust me. And the guy "helping us," was like "Have a nice day," and didn't seem to care at all about the situation so yeah. I had a moment of feeling like, wow this is a horrible place. But then I made another questionable decision, which was to hit another puppy store down the road.

This one was even sadder, and it smelled bad. We found one cute beagle mix that was calm. My daughter said, "I just want like a calm puppy mom." I told her that doesn't exist.

It was the official departure from all things puppy we had a talk in the car. I asked my daughter, "Honey you're not upset because you somehow think you hurt that puppy, are you?" She quickly snapped back, "I didn't hurt that puppy mom." I said, "No, baby you did not. That puppy got hurt being a puppy." We talked more.

I said, "How often does Brodie fall and bonk? He jumped off your loft bed! Remember Jaxie had to be careful when Aunt Stacey came to visit because Jaxie just got her cast off? Brodie limped when he had a weird growth on his foot. Puppies are puppies! I'm so sorry that woman made you feel badly."

She's doing a bit better now, and boy what a learning experience. Not only am I convinced that having a puppy is not for us right now, but certainly not from one of those places. It's sad but true. Maybe when the Humane Society is open we'll go love on some dogs.

Besides the off kilter teaching experience it's been a good day. We are now relaxing before early dinner with Grandma but I had to share the crazy mania.  

Miscommunication, Frustration, Humiliation

Last night was girls night. And I needed a good night out. But it ended messily. Without over-pouring the entire scenario, I can say this, my attempts to do something nice and something that I thought was communicated to me well, fell flat, and before I knew it, it got really awkward and uncomfortable.

I'm a person who just needs to know the rules, ramifications and outline of things clearly and then I can be insanely respectful and understanding. If you don't communicate and I fall into a weird situation, things can get bad and fast.

One of my mom friends stood up for me but I had a rough time and felt attacked because, while she made a good point, I shared mislead information and I felt so horribly humiliated it all went awry. So, I wanted to suck it up and make it up to them.

My friend sweetly said it wasn't necessary, but I was so embarrassed I just wanted to cover it up. I felt like a child who asked their parents if they could have ice cream, and the parent said, "Sure, whatever," only half paying attention. Then the parents caught me eating the ice cream and sharing it at a party and were like, uh...what are you doing? Then I spilled it, broke the bowls and had to clean it up and pay for the bowls, not letting my friends know we weren't supposed to have it in the first place.

That's the best, weird analogy I can come up with to best describe the debacle. The thing is, at the end of the day I was frenzied, broken and frustrated. Today was a new day, most definitely and I refused to obsessed. I did however, enlist hubby in the discussion.

Much to my relief he was all in and understood. I just told him that, it was really hard for me. The way the whole thing went down was so strange and I just wish that the structure was clearly laid out for me. You can give me parameters, but not vague rules. Clear. Simple. Easy.

I spent most of the morning reeling and finally kicked it once we hit the beach. My daughter and I are both exhausted but beach therapy is real. I mean the fact that we live where some people vacation is such a blessing and I told my daughter, "I know you want to see the snow, but look at that gorgeous water." We had a few meltdowns by the end of the beach trip, but we came home grateful, which is what it's all about.

I struggle so much with miscommunication. It irks me to no end. Frustration is a daily visitor I feel and navigating it is rough. Humiliation is something I don't take lightly. It makes me super angry, and over-sensitive. I'm getting better at dealing with all of this, but it's such a process and last night was such a lesson in what I want, what I can handle, and how far I've come.

Weekend posts are difficult for me, but I was really feeling all of this so I wanted to share. Tomorrow I may do something smaller as it's Mother's Day and I'd love to just relax a bit, but who knows. Happy Weekend readers and thanks for sticking with me!

Short Weeks Feel Longer And Throw Off Schedules: #Facts

TGI-Thursday you guys! Okay so I'm not completely used to having Good Friday off, or having paid holidays in general but I am incredibly grateful, I can say that.

This week has felt long, and tomorrow I'm off and the kiddo will be at her aftercare program for the majority of the day, so I will even have time to myself. Regardless, all of the cliches are hitting me with truth this week. "Long days, short years," and all the other ones about short weeks being worse than regular ones, and then other deeper stuff creeps in as well.

So with my schedule in disarray, my emotions in flux, and everything pushing me to just be copacetic and float through muddling, here is where I am: I can't make people communicate the way I might need. I can only put out there all the good vibes and prayers. I try to stay hopeful instead of frustrated or upset, even if I'm awaiting a response that my never come.

Some routines will be disrupted and leave you feeling like you need to be doing more, but if your kid is clothed, fed, clean and happy, maybe a little TV time won't actually kill her, especially as a reward for a good week. I realized I got something I've been pining after for 9 years and it happened organically and magically as it should have, but I'm so impatient I had to take a serious step back to realize I finally got what I asked for, it just took awhile for delivery, so to speak.

Social stuff can be hard and everyone has their boundaries and ways of operating towards one another. Not taking things personally or feeling hurt and ignored, is super difficult for me. I spend a lot of energy talking myself out of being upset over uncontrollable things, but I don't feel silly for that inner dialogue anymore, I feel stronger.

I'm so simple that after a post on Instagram about a rough day, waking up to a text from my best friend while he's been on vacation but took the time to wish me a better day the following morning, totally made me feel seen, heard and helped me have that better day. It's amazing what some encouragement can do.

As a mother and grown woman, it really bothers me when other adults don't have spacial awareness in terms of not crowding one another unnecessarily but also, are insanely loud in a shared room for no apparent reason. This is coming from a notably loud mother. It's a pet peeve, but still, don't we teach our children about "inside voices?" It's still applicable today. 

As per my post yesterday, money stuff sucks for EVERYONE. I saw too many Facebook posts in disagreement about rebuilding Notre Dame and donations made. Any subject of money is just stressful. I had to just log off and get away from all that.

You can't will someone to change, to respond, or to make an effort. You can only put out good vibes into the universe and hope they hit the appropriate people in the appropriate way and boomerang back to you with some semblance of what you might need. Expectations can make ugly emotions and anxieties, even uglier.

Lastly on this random collection of deep thoughts and short week reflections, I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read any of my stuff, even if you dislike or disagree. Some days I stare at a blank post for awhile and feel like I churn out nothing worthwhile. Other days it pours out of me like I was just waiting for the keyboard and screen to be ready for it all. Some days this feels like something on the "to do" list. Other days this is what I'm longing to do. So thank you, each and every reader of every post, for doing this for me. Hopefully it's not on your "to do" list but rather something you can find some entertainment and joy in. 

Happy Friday Eve!