My Gypsy Tendencies

My best friend always calls me a gypsy. I'm guessing she feels I have a nomadic and free-spirited nature but after growing up in the same place for my childhood, it's honestly quite strange that I've ended up that way. When we went to New York on our trip she said it just solidified my gypsy ways.

My dad helped me see most of the United States on many a road trip by the time I was 16. My mom loves the beach so we did the Bahamas and frequent Florida trips in my youth as well. My uncle gave me all Pennsylvania history lessons and living in PA all those years kept me well versed in all civil war and American beginnings via field trips to Gettysburg, DC and Philly.

College brought me the travel bug because I just desperately wanted to experience other places so I got myself a study abroad trip to Europe based out of London and fell in love. I'm dying to go back someday because it was the best three months of exploration, travel, art and history.

My best friend also asked me politely if I ever sit still, and the answer is no. When I'm busy I feel I'm at my best because I can't get caught up mentally or emotionally in unnecessary things. On vacation I wasn't attached to my phone unless I needed directions or was taking too many pictures. I wasn't obsessing about lost and faded friends, unanswered texts, and affording my second Starbucks that day. I just wanted to "be" for a little bit and enjoy being away from home.

I spent 13 years watching Baltimore grow because we frequented it often in my youth. It was the biggest city that my dad actually enjoyed taking us to and we found secret spots we loved. Of course now it's different but also impressive as to what has stayed the same.

Ten years ago in March of 2009 I took myself to New York as a college graduation present. At that time my cousin was going to college at Fordham and living in a crappy apartment in the Bronx with 3 or 4 roommates, his description not mine. He now lives in Brooklyn with his wife and daughter. Both visits he was the tour guide and both visits were incredible.

I don't tend to get overwhelmed or anxious in big cities oddly. I am usually just in awe and so eager to explore I can somehow hone my anxious, obsessive tendencies into some clarity and finding ways to get us to what we want to do. I'm already dying to go back and see more, more, more.

When I started moving I never expected it to become the lifestyle it molded into. I think that I just had to learn to physically move on and also liked changing my horizons. I liked knowing that I could have a new space and new place to make mine; a blank slate. I liked seeing new things and exploring new areas. In 8 years in Eugene, I lived about 7 different places all across the city but only in Eugene, somehow never in Springfield or even Portland.

When we came to Florida it took us about 6 long years to find where we wanted to make "home," and now I'm ready to dig in for a long run until this kid is outta high school. My gypsy ways will have to be strictly for vacations only.

This past week, being all over had its elements of exhaustion and disorientation but also kept things fun and interesting. I had my moments of down time and relaxation, and I had my moments to push through and have fun.

During my times of struggle, my gypsy tendencies work against me. I was dying for a real trip and to see real things and feeling angry and trapped. Now I can better appreciate things. During my periods of growth and healing my gypsy tendencies work for me. I'm able to plan well and enjoy any time, no matter how short, in the space and place we're in because I know how lucky am I that we even get to share such experiences.

I always attribute my gypsy-ness to my trauma. For most of my childhood I thought you would just live the same place as your whole family always. Most everyone was a thirty minute drive at most. And you can go away to college but then you could just come home and start a family. When my mom left, that entire idea was shattered. She wanted out and she left and I kind of followed because if my parents weren't together, what was home? I just decided to embrace the new and try and piece things back together with familiarity of "stuff" rather than places.

My husband gives me a hard time because of how many things are "mine," versus his in different contexts, but for me it's all about the stuff that is "home." Our dining room table will always be "mine" even though it is used as "ours." I was given that by a family I was the nanny for and it has lived with me in every place since I moved out and it always will.

I love to travel and experience and have fun. I wish to do more of it but am grateful for every experience I've had and we are planning to have. I'm a firm believer in "next time" and revisiting places. Maybe I can gypsy it because home is more about familiar people and some familiar artifacts rather than an actual building. Maybe I'm just growing into going with the flow enough that I can spread my wings and fly higher and more often.

For now I like my gypsy tendencies and embrace them. I'm excited to see where they take me.

The Vibe And The Tribe Thing

Everyone seems to know this mantra these days. I can tell you over the past 6 months, this little rhyming ideology has been a game changer for me. My best friend used to tell me that I was easily meshed into any group. I didn't fit in a clique per-se but I attract all different kinds of people and I especially am found wanting to be "the good friend."

Motherhood has made my personal friendship stuff rough. Just last week I wrote about losing contact with a friend dear to me that really hurt me. Weirdly enough some of my best and long lasting friend relationships are long distance. It's not about seeing each other or even talking on some regular basis. It's about being there for each other during the best and the worst times and never completely losing touch.

My friend from Kindergarten, also someone I have blogged about, lives in Italy and I had him call me last week just for like a 20 minute phone call. We message each other weekly if not more, but when he called me I realized I hadn't actually heard his voice in like 2 years and I forgot about all the silly things that come with that kind of interaction, the laugh, the sarcasm and such. I got off the phone and just felt so contented having had that "normal" conversation because he's one of those people that just gets me.

It's after a handful of years of stress, darkness, anxiety, depression, anger and all the MUCK that I can now admit "Hey I've been completely lost and horrible," but also that I can clearly see who stuck around and let me be ANY version of me, and are now right there with me celebrating my growth. 

I've felt ashamed. I've been ashamed of myself, my family and my circumstances for seemingly have lost a grip on our stuff. We had some wonderful milestones that we hit in the midst of the dark times and I pushed myself into the "celebratory mode" to try and get myself out of my funk but it's weird how it is only now can I adequately appreciate the journey.

We had friends over for dinner, something I realized we don't do often. I used to blame this on my husband the chef never being home and no one wants anything I could ever cook. Then I realized that we had befriended people who were buying new houses and getting new furniture and shopping and decorating and that wasn't us. Our house is a mix of sentimental hand-me-downs and gifts and a celebration of us actually having a house of our own to paint weird colors and cover in canvases.

Our friends that we hosted last night have hosted us so many times. They have a fabulous home with a great pool and it's clean, kid-friendly, dog-friendly and super great for entertaining. This was the first time we had them over and I was concerned the kids would be bored because we just had toys, no pool. 

Our friends immediately saw our daughters room and were like..."WHOA THIS IS A COOL BEDROOM." Her loft bed was painted in colors she picked much like her walls and ceiling. She had fairy lights wrapped around the edges. She has a Nintendo Wii on a Disney Princess old school tube TV and huge plastic Maximus horse. Her loft bed had a mattress and stuffed animal beneath it to chill with her action figure shelf that she hand painted filled with Disney figurines awaiting to play. The dog has a staircase to get to the top of the loft bed which has My Little Pony "carpeting." Her room has green walls and a purple ceiling.

Then my daughter showed her guests her secret dream-house play-space, also known as the garage. My husband arranged a carpeted area with his drum set, her yoga mat and the heavy bag. So one was punching, one was drumming and everyone was having a blast. My husband later told me that our friends husband said, "It's so creative over here. The piano, the drums, the place is covered in Luna's art and canvases and pictures she made everywhere it's so cool."

I had never thought of it that way. And today it is making my heart calm, happy and ridiculously grateful that we gave off that vibe. It made me think of our upcoming trip and where we are staying. We have a city full of family but I'm crashing with my best friend, her husband and their 3 children in their 3 bedroom, one bathroom house. Why? Because I have always loved staying with her because it feels like a home away from home. The last time we were there, she brought out old Barbie toys and a doll house for my daughter that they still had. They have dogs, cats, bunnies, chickens, you name it. The girls re-decorate and swap rooms often. There are pictures of her mom and family and craft projects everywhere. I'm completely comfortable there and it just makes sense to be around my people.

My house is a place where you can spill without getting yelled at. I didn't spend $2,000 on a dinette set so, if you get glue on my table I could care less. We don't have matching furniture so if you stain something maybe it will actually match another piece. I watched two friends we really enjoy, and their kids, just walk into our house and embrace it. Then I watched my daughter show off all the things she loves about her home from, the guest room to her room, to her garage. It was a weird sort of gratification, in a way.

My husband outed me as only having "the same people," over. We have my cousins and our other close couple friends over. Otherwise we really don't "host." It's strange because I can hostess like a boss, but I think up until yesterday, I just felt so awkward about our house. I think I reflected all my own insecurities onto my poor house and last night it proved itself to be our "home."

The vibe and the tribe thing are real. Even through my worst phases of life, the people that have caused me stress or discomfort, the people who I have been challenged by, the ones who have stuck around to see me push through everything, are enjoying me being in a better place and THAT feels amazing too.

And don't get me wrong, it's not a "happy" thing. This isn't some "Oh yeah because I'm happy now." I'm not that person. I am awake, I am healing, I am growing and I am slowly owning my trauma. I was not able to do that 3 years ago. I was not able to do that 2 years ago. In that process I was not always like-able and I can own that now too.

If anything I'm affirming that all the cliches are completely real. You have to take things "one day at a time." If you can get a day with "no complaints," call it good. The feelings I'm putting out into the universe are being reciprocated as they should be and the things I don't need are falling out of the way.

I am finding that the people that I need to keep up my forward momentum are right there alongside me. My tribe is ridiculously important to me and I hold them dear. This isn't to say anyone who isn't in my "vibe" isn't in my "tribe" either. I feel good in my general surroundings and support system, which is a huge step. I have always felt that feeling lonely when you are alone is natural but feeling lonely when surrounded by people or in the company of friends is the absolute worst feeling ever, so you can afford to be picky about that sometimes.

With all my years with one foot in the hippie door in Oregon, I can tell you that most of their mantras are true and helpful so, I leave you with this for a Monday Musing:

 

I Like Being A Homebody

I've been trying to plan this whole mom's night out thing and the first scheduled evening I was ill, and the reschedule isn't producing great confirmations from others of interest but I kind of just chalk it up to the fact that, in the end, I like being a homebody on the weeknights and my motivation to get it together is lacking.

I'm in a pretty strict routine of 5AM wake ups and workouts Monday through Friday, and I'm actually about to add more to my workout plate, as opposed to my dinner plate. I'd love to see the Moms but I'm a Friday and Saturday night party person only. I've worked for so long to get my regular, normal person, run of the mill schedule, that I adhere pretty closely to it.

I don't know what it is, maybe because I finally have a home or a "real house" as my uncle once called it, but I'm perfectly fine folding laundry and being at home most nights. I'll be the first to admit I have plenty of room to just grow and improve routines, and there are some defaulting habits that I dislike, but by the time I get home I'm too tired to embrace the new and change it up! Regardless, I like being home.

I'm discovering more and more just how much time I need to reboot. I'm discovering how much time I need away from social things, but I also work well when I have things to look forward to. It's kind of a weird place to be and the balance for it is delicate.

There are some days and some ways, in which I just can't people anymore and I'm learning that is also very okay. I've wasted a lot of time being guilt-ed into doing things I didn't want to do, being pushed into corners I wasn't comfy in and made to feel bad in general for existing and I've worked so hard to get away from that.

Being a homebody has it's perks. I spend way less money than most people for sure, my house is pretty well kept up because I'm slightly obsessive about it staying clean. It gives my family a chill "safe space" and we utilize the relax factor pretty well. Home is our haven and I think we all have a bit of a sigh of relief once we get through that door.

I learned how to become nomadic by default, but this past decade I've really worked diligently to make any home that we had, a true home. Ironically my daughter has been asking a lot about various residences. She clearly remembers the house that we rented before we bought the one we have now. Every once in awhile she brings up when we'll move again. I always roll my eyes and say, "When you're 18."

The house we bought is it. We've been in it almost 3 years and it just recently started forming into home. We're still reorganizing and de-cluttering and making it ours. We have plans and goals to make it even more ours and I plan on staying as much homebody as I possibly can.

Maybe it is adulthood. Maybe it is age. I just don't feel the need to be out and about all the time. Our Saturdays are quite busy, but I like being around on Sunday to reboot, maybe catch a play date and do nothing. Having a place called home to hide, is amazing, because some are not so fortunate.

My daughter likes to pretend she isn't in love with her room and her house, but I can tell she's attached and loving it more and more. Although kids are far more resilient to change than we will ever be, she does love her space, her home and her routines, just like her mom.

I really don't think there's anything wrong with being a homebody. It certainly beats the bar hopping days and wasting money days. It beats the apartment neighbors and parking lot woes, the shared spaces and annoying faces from apartment complex living. I think being a homebody is proof I'm coming into my own and that's kind of an amazing space to be. 

On this Transformation Tuesday I'm open to changing things up, and I'm open to tweaking routines, but am equally happy in my current situation, and still embracing and getting used to that. And it feels pretty great, I must say.