The Couch Left Out On The Corner

You drive past it regularly. There's almost always one if not many on the way to anything. It's the couch left on the corner. 

Sometimes you glance and think "That's a nice couch," but then you realized it just rained a few days prior so it's probably trashed. Sometimes you are like "wow that is an ugly couch," or "that thing is gross!" Regardless, you drive on by.

Now that I'm not physically ill, mentally things start to move around more and yesterday on my way to work I saw the very infamous couch on the corner. On the road I take to work there is this random cul-de-sac with newer built homes and this couch was perfectly perched for disposal at the edge of this semi-circular neighborhood.

I started to think about all the couches that I have known in my just about 35 years on this earth and how many I have left on curbs. I recall about 5 left on curbs. My dad still has the loveseat couch from my childhood in his house now. It is ugly and not even comfy but if it ever comes my way it will be in my living room in a second.

My best friend has gone through a few couches and this summer it was what I noticed first in the living room when we stayed with her because at one time they had this huge sectional that curved around half the room that could fit all five of them and dogs. The new replacement was comfy though and still fit plenty.

On the one hand it's really weird that some couch on the corner drove me down memory lane of couch land. On the other, tis' the season for nostalgia. The holidays are upon us and I think I speak for everyone when I admit that the more holiday seasons we go through the more nostalgia we hold onto. 

So here I drive around, thinking of the couches. My first apartment I got a couch from a friend for free, the legs were knocked off and there were holes in the back where their ferrets would get in and climb and bite you. I bought my first couch cover and it worked. I kept that quite awhile. When I moved in with then boyfriend, now hubby, I had a loveseat from my mom's apartment she got at some thrift store with a very loud couch cover from Big Lots and half of the sectional from his place.

When me moved from Oregon to Florida, we had no couch, no loveseat, no living room furniture. I bought my new hubby his first recliner and we inherited a chair from my mom that was my grandma's. The first couch we got was...hmmm, possibly a pull out couch that my friend got at an auction which was in good condition but insanely heavy.

That one was left on the curb at our old place when we moved into our current home. It was replaced by a faux leather thing my husband insisted on from a neighbor which barely lasted and then we were graciously given the nicest couch and loveseat addition we have ever had in deep chocolate brown and I yell at my family regularly that we will never be so lucky as to get such nice stuff so, don't wreck it!

I never really thought about it until that particular commute but where do the couches go? Are there sanitation workers that take them home? Are they in a pile in a junk yard or trash heap? I could picture some award winning photo of a couch on top of a trash mountain just reminding us we are nasty slobs that sit on our waste in more ways than one. Wait, is this a perfect idea for some revealing expose on couches?

Do rained on moldy couches get broken down? Are they re-purposed? Do they end up in homeless shelters or lobbies of lesser establishments in this world? So many couch questions!

My daughter was recently given a hand me down doll house. My husband is extremely accurate in saying it is much more likely a doll mansion than doll house. Of course it came with many boxes of furniture. In some ways, you can't have a doll house without the furniture right? What's the fun in an empty house?  

The living room is the gathering place. The TV is the viewpoint from said couch, more often than not. And when those couches end up on the corner, it just made me wonder what happens in the grand scheme.

I wondered if the couch left out "to pasture" was replaced, downsized or just used to it's fullest. See, much like Phoebe on Friends, I love for all of our furniture to have stories:

I agree that otherwise everyone has the same stuff instead of things with history, so on my drive I was left to review the history of all of the couches of house Chriss. For some, this is a whole weird alliteration and wandering of my anxious mind. For me, it made sense after being taken down for a week in every way, that coming back I was thrown into a pensive place where a simple couch on a cul-de-sac could spark some nostalgic mental adventure that would warrant a blog post.

I would bet money you'll see a discarded couch on your way to or from home today. I would also bet that you've had this exact same reaction to the couch on the corner, at one time or another. Perhaps it's some greater metaphor or perhaps it's just "having a think" on a morning drive. Maybe I am onto some thing of a great couch story or maybe I'm just clearly getting back to all things Alison. Regardless, may your couch stay comfy and away from the corner, and may it be the thing that perfectly mirrors the placement of your TV, all while having history and nostalgia, all for the sake of friends. 

Fire Alarm Day And The Blogging Lull

First of all, I just realized I am nine months into this 2019 pilgrimage and I'm feeling pretty okay about that. I've had some really great pieces flow, I've had some duds. This is writing! I've had to set my boundaries on things. I didn't want to make this a chore but rather something to facilitate growth.

My daughter just started the plague of homework and they require daily reading. No big deal, right? I just hate that it's a CHORE. Reading should be fun. I remember being her age and being annoyed that my Goosebumps and R.L. Stein books didn't count for summer stuff. Instead I had to read Fahrenheit 541 and The Giver and other books I had no interest in. She has some range of choice so there's that. She usually tries to read something she has memorized. Never a dull moment.

Currently I'm in my office waiting for the fire department to come test the fire alarm system. This is LOUD and goes on for HOURS. It is horrible. I have headphones and I'm ready but it's not exactly the best day. I will most likely leave with a migraine from the noise.

With all of this in the background and life in general I'm in a very "take it as it comes" kind of mood which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I give myself constant reminders that there is only so much I can control, only so much I can do. A great deal of life indeed is rolling with the punches.

I struggle a lot with communication. I feel as though I ask often for more communication from people. I had a friend a few years ago and we joked about the "text abyss." You could be in a conversation and then life and distraction happens and you don't pick up your phone for 6 hours or something. I always say "Just tell me that you're super busy and we'll talk later, and then I will know and leave you alone." Being left hanging feels yucky.

Now as a mother, I totally get how weird text conversations can be. And also how unattached people can be to their phones much like the good old days. I'm that person who mentally responds but never types it or forgets to hit send. I also won't answer a text after 9 because I'm usually asleep. Like fast asleep.

I just never like leaving people feeling like "Uh, where did she go? I just asked her about the movie we were trying to go see!?" Sometimes I think as an overly anxious person I over-anticipate the anxieties of others. This could be seen as being a wonderful empath. Mostly, it just means my anxieties are borrowing yours and they are running wild and freely together. It can get weird.

I kind of felt like the blogging lull has set in. I don't think I'm running out of topics, but some days I'm more amped for it than others. Some days that spark shines so bright. Other days I feel like the emptied out lighter struggling to get the incense going. 

So as I'm sitting at my work desk with my yogurt, waiting for these alarms to bombard my day, I've come to the conclusion that some days will be loud and interrupted, uncomfortable even. We just had our first test blast and it happened after I took a call from a problematic, harassing customer. So I'm feeling like, today will be what it will. It could end up awesome, or maybe less so. So it goes for most days but today I will just do what I can.

Feel free to DM me any blog ideas, any subjects you want covered or questions you want answered. I'm always open to hearing from my readers! Thanks!

46 Concert Shirts, More than $1500 spent, Infinite Memories Made

Last week when I was blessed enough to go see Jenny Lewis live I asked my husband to find my old Rilo Kiley shirt. He said, "Man you have a lot of concert shirts. Like, a LOT."
The light bulb went off. I should count them! This should be blog-worthy.

I spent Saturday piling them. There were two piles: Ones currently in rotation, ones in storage. I counted:

In the two piles I had 46 concert shirts from concerts I had attended and ONE a friend bought me because I couldn't afford to go see Blink 182 at the time. 47 Concert shirts! FORTY-SEVEN!

At anywhere from $25.00 to $40.00 a piece, that is over $1,500.00 in live music fun and memorabilia well spent, in my personal opinion.

As soon as I went through the old clothes a massive wave of memories flooded me. I remembered the show, the set, who opened, that I was in the front and so on and so forth. Some shows I didn't remember much because I drank in excess which fogged things up, but that was also another memory in and of itself.

They all sat on my bed; so many of them! I didn't even know how I had ever fit in some of them. There they were, though in all their glory. It was the perfect picture of my twenties and an illustration of my coming of age.

I went to punk rock shows, alternative shows, indie shows, you name it. I was picky too, the bigger the venue the less it appealed with only a few exceptions. I had shirts for Journey, Foreigner, Neil Diamond and Bob Dylan to name a few. I knew a roadie for Journey and saw them 2 or 3 times one summer. Foreigner was a Florida show when I wrote for Creative Loafing. I took my dad to see Neil Diamond in the nosebleed seats of the RoseGarden arena in Portland Oregon. Bob Dylan was a large-ish theater with my sisters and brothers in law but we didn't sit together. They all hated it and I just thought "Holy shit, Bob Dylan is up there right now! BOB DYLAN."

The Matches, Reel Big Fish, Me First and The Gimme Gimmes, Juliette and the Licks, Cake, The Decemberists, Ben Kweller, Hanson, Flogging Molly, Death Cab for Cutie, Dropkick Murphy's, Mest! I'm unsure of whom I'm leaving out, oh! Big Head Todd and the Monsters, and that shirt was SIGNED.

My husband and I started reminiscing and filling in blanks for each other. We laughed about some, got a little nostalgic and sad about others. Every shirt was a memory of an epic night. We drove from Eugene to Portland more times than I can count. We drove to Washington before for a show. We never had money for new Vans slip-ons and paid bills late, but we found money for concert tickets and food and gas to get us there!

I still have the same obsession with concerts but I have to be more reasonable now. I'm a wife and mother. There have been so many festival type shows that I've wanted to bankrupt us to attend, just drive and go party for 3 days in the mud and see all the music until I couldn't stand anymore. 

If I went through each shirt I could probably blog about the entire circumstance around the band featured. I could tell you who introduced me to that band, why they are epic, which songs I love, which songs I hate and then why I went to see them and pick that shirt.
Sometimes I have trouble remembering why I walked into a room but when it comes to that pile, I can remember it all. 

I found my Foo Fighters shirt. My cousin and his fiance couldn't go to that show. He gave us the tickets for free. We got a cool hotel room close by and since we didn't pay for tickets we spent the money we WOULD HAVE on tickets, on booze and shirts. I drank WAYYYY too much and annoyed my cousins friends. I feel badly about this to this today. That was their first and only one-on-one experience with me and I was tanked and dancing, swaying, half-singing. It was ridiculous! And the waste of a good concert. I mean I remember it being awesome but still!

So that's 46 shows, and not to mention COUNTLESS others that I came home with a bumper sticker with or a signed set list, a drum set, etc. Going to shows was my sport. It had replaced shopping and I just needed to soak in as much live music as possible!

I'm just sitting back thinking about all of this because when I posted on Instagram I asked if it was excessive or awesome to have so many shirts? My answer is that it's completely amazing because they hold within them the story of my earlier days. I dug out my overalls and an old t-shirt and choker. I found the time to straighten my hair. My husband was adoring me a bit with some teasing commentary saying "Oh it's nice to see you all dressed up and with an outfit and like," I cut him off. I said, "It's nice to see me looking like me? I look like me, right?" He agreed, yes definitely.

Funnily enough, I didn't go anywhere but I think there are versions of me layered parfait-style within the outward Alison exterior. I can't pick my daughter up at school with a shirt that says "Me First and the Gimme Gimmes Got Balls.," even if they are holding bowling balls. I have an Offspring shirt and the back says "Stupid Goddamn Bullshit Motherfucker," or some such. Should I wear that to soccer practice?

You go in and out of phases. My husband and I actually had a ridiculous disagreement in the car last night. He was questioning the music I had on because of the lyrics. One of my favorite bands, Dashboard Confessional, of which I have a shirt, was singing from the car stereo, "My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me, so won't you kill me, so I die happy." He said, "Oh nice, songs about killing people."

I got defensive fast. I said, "This is Dashboard, it's poetry!" He said, "The subject matter is a little intense." I said "Being in love that you want that epic kiss to kill you so you can die happy isn't okay?" He shrugged and said "She's not even 7!" I said, "So when she asks me I'll tell her what it means! At least it's not filled with swear words! We were listening to Fleetwood Mac yesterday! All those songs are about cheating on people!" 

He gave up quickly after I said "How is this any different than Taylor Swift talking about being and Archer or telling people to calm down or doing something bad that feels good?" He was like "Okay okay fine!" My daughter chimed in the back about liking country. I retorted, "Those songs are all about getting drunk!" We finally tabled it but it was a worthy argument I feel.

I want my kiddo to see these shirts and ask about where I got them, ask about the bands and we listen to them and I get to tell her stories. She can like or dislike them. I was listening to the Pointer Sisters when I was 3 (most of those songs are heavily laden with sexual undertones), I was obsessed with The Monkees when I was 5, I loved Talking Heads, whose prominent song is "Psycho Killer," and I went on to fall in love with music and keep it close to me for therapeutic value and adventures.

Those 46 shirts are 46 memorable stories of ME, or infinite memories if you get me going and I love that I get to call them all mine. I feel like more blogs like this will be coming along. Happy musical Monday, readers!  

The First Day After The Vacay Post

After returning from vacation last night, staying up too late unpacking, unwinding and trying to wrap my head around re-entering routines and reality, I am now settling back and figuring out a decent pace with which to do so and can sit down and write.

Part of me assumed I'd have so many blog post ideas I'd have to figure out which one first, but really, my car ride into work left me feeling wobbly and tired. So here I am grasping at my bearings. 

This trip was a learning experience. I could say they all are, but not so much. I mean I've learned how to pack, I've learned how to stress less but the phases of childhood, adulthood and marriage, are all learning experiences anyway, so throw in a trip and it's like free tuition.

My daughter's practice of picky kid eating was brutal and because I had to plan so delicately for that, not only could I barely practice my mindful eating, but I really couldn't report if I over-ate at all. I had no mindset for it. And if I was hungry and there wasn't food, oh well. I know I drank too much Starbucks, but that is all. I barely snacked and when the opportunity for a real meal came up, I indulged because, hello, vacation.

I learned that being "tough," directive and correct about things doesn't make you any friends. I learned that in the right company you can have your needs met with no argument, but instead with open arms, understanding and gratitude. I learned that family is just family, no matter what.

I think this trip was a complete lesson in practicing what you preach, picking your battles and just taking what you can from what's in front of you. There was rain, sun, tears, smiles, and a lot of compromises. I actually had only one meltdown on vacation and then about an hour into being back home I lost it and screamed aloud in the kitchen.

Some of my favorite parts of our trip were at our most volatile moments in fact. On our flight north, my daughter was completely irate that I had mixed up the terminals and there was no Chik-Fil-A only PDQ and she lost it. I calmly salvaged everything and settled for a Lunch-able, a can of Pringles and Chocolate Milk for dinner. The following morning she ate her weight in sausage at the continental breakfast. She was upset and we were walking around the terminal looking for food. I was talking her down. I kept saying 'The getting there is the worst part and you're allowed to feel all the frustration but we can make it work."

I saw an older motherly-type smile compassionately at me even though my daughter was audibly hating me. When we boarded our flight I said "Okay, please be aware of other people and not to bonk into them and you may pick our seats." The same woman we passed was front and center on our flight, already boarded and she said kindly, "You're doing good mom," to me. That was a great moment for me. I liked kindness and support.

My daughter did well until we were awaiting the shuttle at the hotel. She just lost it and I let her sit on the luggage. There was a sweet flight attendant watching my daughter's meltdown, amused at the display and she said, "You know, I was with my 4 year old at Wal-Mart late one night, getting close to bed time. She was talking back and the cashier said, 'I don't know why kids think they can be bratty just when they're tired.' I about smacked that cashier like, 'She's 4! She's tired! And she's my kid! Kids gotta be kids!'" When I finally loaded her into the shuttle that woman said, "You're doing good mom! You got this!"

Those two moments were just the little pick me up I needed to get me through. There were times when my daughter was just straight mean to me, and miserable because of whatever reason. And I just had to get her to a calm space and rationalize. There were a few times I grabbed her arm in a public place and said "ENOUGH!" More often I just let it slide, why? Because she's a human kid completely out of her normal routine. I weighed the importance of "disciplining" her and just letting her be a bit of a kid, which seemingly only bothered my husband.

I think travelling is just stressful and hard, so making it any worse by being "at" each other doesn't serve much of a purpose in my opinion. I think my daughter did phenomenally well in retrospect but there were times when I wanted to lose it on her, for sure. What mom doesn't have those moments daily and especially in high stress situations.

I've become pretty rational with her lately. I've started saying "Okay here is your issue, here are the options, what choice are you making?" I've coddled her and done what I could to pacify in a few situations but I've also made her toughen up a bit.

Yesterday she was very itchy from some bug bites. We had plenty of cortizone cream. We changed shoes. We tried with and without socks. By the end of the day she was just completely done. She slept so hard on the plane and woke up enraged and ready to get home. When we were in the airport I saw some of the dirty looks from people thinking I was this mom letting her child be "neglected" or "whiny." She wasn't bleeding, she was uncomfortable, it happens. Then I had a guy on the escalator smile after my daughter let out a huge whiny exclaim and he said, "We all feel the way she does, we just aren't letting it out like her!"

At the baggage claim another mom said, "I've had those days. I have a 7 year old and 4 year old. Their dad has been with them all of 4 hours and cannot wait for me to get home. You're doing good." Then an older gentlemen said "They grow up to be better," showed me a picture of his redheaded granddaughter and proudly reported her starting college. Even our ride home was okay with her yelling at me the whole way home. 

Yelling at her about any of it, wouldn't have solved the situation and the same went for the entire trip. My biggest meltdown was mostly quiet and born out of the feeling that no one was grateful for where we were, where we had been and what we were able to see. I felt like up to that point I had compromised my ass off, was being "told how things would go," and I just wasn't having it. 

My meltdown at home was born out of a lot of the same things but for different reasons. I didn't have expectations that my home would be pristine and waiting for me, but I hadn't anticipated or felt it deserved to have extra work in my way of settling back in. The first day back after vacation is always rough because you've had all this time away adventuring and then you're slammed back into routines and schedules, I always just hope that there are things in place to lessen the blow of the transition, rather than amplify. Then again, to practice what I preach boy did I have my low expectations train arrive at a grinding halt at the station!

This trip showed me infinite gratefulness. I felt so well taken care of by the people I love the most. I felt like we were appreciated for taking the time to be around everyone and in more ways than one. I felt so lucky and blessed to have been a part of everything. I felt calm, loved and at ease which I can honestly say hasn't always been the case on trips of the past.

I opened my eyes to a lot through this experience, especially in reference to my daughter and husband. I'm a little tired. I'm a little stressed to get back into things, but I know I'll be okay and things will even out after some time re-adjusting. For now, send coffee and hugs and I'll be getting back on the blogging track as well. Happy Monday!

It's Easy To Forget

I don't know about other moms, but I often forget what it was like to be a kid. I think I know, but then I quickly realize how easy it is to forget.

One battle I have with my daughter pretty consistently these days is gratefulness. I want her to know that her life has been worked very hard for to be comfortable in. She'll get upset that I don't volunteer in class much, that I don't chaperone on field trips and I remind her that I work full time to make sure she has new shoes, a new backpack and horseback riding lessons, not to mention food and water and a house a stuff. She'll complain about only having a tablet not an iPad or wanting more toys and I always shut it down with reminders that we work to give her what she has and she should be grateful.

It's not that I don't want to do that stuff for her and with her, it's that it's not so easy to pull off. And for me, that stuff being complicated and annoying - like paying $50 for a background check and fingerprinting to be allowed in the classroom - is easy to forget or to push aside. However, for her it's not so much and easy to forget thing, which is totally okay.

We have an upcoming vacation, which I've budgeted my ass off for, and of course am still stressing about, but I am so excited to just get away a bit. We haven't been away for a year. I'm ready! And while my daughter is excited to visit she keeps randomly saying to me, "But I don't WANT to go. I'll miss my friends at summer camp!" At first this irked me to no end and then I remembered that a disruption in routine and the every day can be hard and weird to embrace all the time. It was easy to forget that I was like that as a kid too.

I was that kid that got homesick, like stomach cramps and anxiety all over when I went away, especially without my parents. She can do okay with certain people, so I know once we're there she'll be fine, but I can tell that now that she's really aware of stuff and plans, she is feeling a lot more about this trip. 

It's all so easy to forget! When my friend's three year old was with me this past weekend, I totally forgot the "Why?," phase. EVERYTHING WAS WHY!? I thought I had answered the question, but still why? I thought she could be pacified, but she still asked why until I was almost blue in the face. 

Maybe the "mommy brain" thing is just so real that it bites us in the ass. Maybe we can only clearly compute the phase we are currently in with our children as opposed to being hypersensitive to our own memories to project them onto their little being. Regardless, all of this planning made me wonder why it's all so easy to forget?

There are times when I watch my daughter and I'm like, "Oh man that is an Alison trait," and other times I just have to step back and remind myself she's only 6 or that she's still such a kid. She gives me a hard time about how she's not a baby anymore and I reminder, she will ALWAYS be my baby.

It's also easy to forget how far they've come and that you can't force them into your ideas of "how it will all work." I learned that lesson the hard way over the past two years when it comes to travelling. Once we were stuck with a late flight and someone said, "She'll be fine she'll sleep on the plane." She did, then woke up violently in pain screaming about her ears and I tried to hold her and the flight attendant yelled at me for having her out of her seat. Good times.

Last year I thought on a late flight she would sleep and again, she had a hard time. She did much better flying ALL DAY and watching movies and shows on her tablet, playing games. No more long night flights where she can't just stay up. This time she is staying up until we get to the hotel and she can sleep as long as she wishes. 

On the opposite end of the spectrum, the whole "easy to forget" thing can go a long way in negativity. It's easy to forget how annoying travelling can be until you have that long awaited vacation. It's easy to forget how much having fun costs until you come back from your trip in some wonderful debt. It's easy to forget how much stuff you have to take with you to get through any vacation, but be grateful if you have washer and dryer access. It's easy to forget how much you LOVE YOUR HOME, until you step away for a bit. It's all about how you use it!

I thought when I wrote today I would just write about, "Hey we're going on a trip," but then all of this just started pushing through my thought processes and into a document. I kind of feel like I'm onto something in terms of holding onto the, "Easy to Forget" stuff. 

I've recently been going through a lot when it comes to friendships. It's been kind of weird because I feel like I have less support from the people that were there when things were shitty, and more support from the people who just were there with no conditions through everything lately. It's like some wanted to be a part of my drama and feed it, and some people just want to be a part of my life period. I also realized that it's so easy to forget how badly you've been treated or hurt by someone once you've moved on and evolved. We shouldn't hold grudges or hatred so letting that stuff go is so important, but it's easy to forget the bad when you're wading through the good, until that bad rears it's ugly head for a quick reminder -- you all know what I mean.

It's easy to forget all kinds of stuff anymore, which is why we have phone reminders, social media alerts and then of course text messages from other people confirming and reminding and checking in. What we have to remember is that we are ALL forgetful sometimes, so we should walk through this crazy life together kindly, if you can remember to be nice that is.

The Disney Days

One of the most magical things about living where we do in the colorful, lawless swamp of Florida is we are only about 90 minutes, give or take traffic, away from the happiest place on earth, yes, Walt Disney World. When my daughter was turning 2 and was still free admission at Disney, my sister in Oregon insisted they come down and be there for her first visit. Thus started 3 more years of Disney magic, memories and adventures.

In Florida, residents can get a pass and pay on it monthly like any other bill. This gets them into Disney whenever, depending on the pass level, includes parking and they get additional discounts. If you use it enough it definitely pays for itself. This was like a challenge to us; we wanted to get our money's worth!

We had some of the most amazing times those few years. Oddly enough the Disney trips were always the bright spots when our family was going through our worst emotional and mental times. There was a 6 month period of time when we went every other Sunday and told people we were attending the United Church of Disney. It was a fun thing we always looked forward to.

Some days the trips were for the kiddo. Some days the trips were for mom and dad, depending. Ironically no matter how annoyed we were with each other, no matter how stressful life was, we managed to put all that behind us and just get incredibly lost in the magic of it all. We would watch the other families and the ones that came from far and wide and feel grateful that Disney World was in our metaphorical back yard.

My daughter always loved meeting the characters. My husband and I loved the whole "Tetris" scheme of fitting in the character meets between fast passes and rides and navigating the parks. We had it down to a science at one point where we knew how to pack food and snacks, how to pack water and where and how to buy treats when necessary. One treat was always the Mickey Ice Cream bar and there was a 5 month period where my daughter managed to get one free each time we went. I think she was just that cute.

We were that family that couldn't have a bad time at Disney. We always saw one family at Disney just irate and miserable and it always made us a little more grateful. We always pushed past our exhaustion for the fun. We had more patience at Disney than we did on any other day, and we always made sure each one of us got to do something we wanted that day or overnight.

We found favorite places to stay, ones that were only okay, and made amazing memories and have wonderful stories to tell. We've been without passes almost 2 years and I'm itching to go back. What can I say? I'm a Disnerd.

In my childhood when everything was sucky, my dad took me and my best friend whose life was equally sucky, if not moreso, to Disney World and we still hail that at the best trip ever, until we took all of our girls there 2 years ago and made dreams come seriously true.

I'm really missing it lately and I don't know why. Things are so calm with us. We are on a strict budget and kicking butt. The reason we stopped was because we couldn't afford it at the time, but also my daughter wouldn't try any of the big kid rides and point blank told me she was too impatient to wait to see the characters. We've been on a hiatus and I may cave as a Christmas present to myself. 

When we had passes we had so many family members say they didn't know how we could go all the time. It was pretty easy because we made it a bunch of mini-vacations. During that time we couldn't afford flights places and didn't have paid vacations so little overnights and adventures were all it was about to get is through the year. We made the best of what we could and we always made each other laugh. Something about that theme park atmosphere that took all of our anxieties and put them to good use in being organized, thoughtful and productive.

When we were able to take my best friend and her 3 daughters to Disney in 2017 we literally made it a dream vacation and did it well. They had the best time ever and it will forever be a memorable adventure. I'd never felt so happy being with a bunch of people at Disney. We all had our fun and rode coasters and traded who rode what with whom, and where people sat. We laughed and made fun of things, played games in the line and just had a blast.

I think Disney is just a fun place for us. It's our own little get-away and we have fun being nostalgic and living in the magic. We love the shows, the rides, the characters and the food. I think Disney is our escape back into our childhood but with our kiddo right there so we can all be silly and happy, no matter what else is going on. 

I'm sure other people feel this way too or it wouldn't be such a popular spot but I definitely miss our Disney days. Now we are too busy to Disney it up, or maybe we just need to get it together enough to get it back into the routine. For now I look back at the memories with love and smiles knowing we'll make more at some point. I'll definitely be the first one to crack though. 

The Vibe And The Tribe Thing

Everyone seems to know this mantra these days. I can tell you over the past 6 months, this little rhyming ideology has been a game changer for me. My best friend used to tell me that I was easily meshed into any group. I didn't fit in a clique per-se but I attract all different kinds of people and I especially am found wanting to be "the good friend."

Motherhood has made my personal friendship stuff rough. Just last week I wrote about losing contact with a friend dear to me that really hurt me. Weirdly enough some of my best and long lasting friend relationships are long distance. It's not about seeing each other or even talking on some regular basis. It's about being there for each other during the best and the worst times and never completely losing touch.

My friend from Kindergarten, also someone I have blogged about, lives in Italy and I had him call me last week just for like a 20 minute phone call. We message each other weekly if not more, but when he called me I realized I hadn't actually heard his voice in like 2 years and I forgot about all the silly things that come with that kind of interaction, the laugh, the sarcasm and such. I got off the phone and just felt so contented having had that "normal" conversation because he's one of those people that just gets me.

It's after a handful of years of stress, darkness, anxiety, depression, anger and all the MUCK that I can now admit "Hey I've been completely lost and horrible," but also that I can clearly see who stuck around and let me be ANY version of me, and are now right there with me celebrating my growth. 

I've felt ashamed. I've been ashamed of myself, my family and my circumstances for seemingly have lost a grip on our stuff. We had some wonderful milestones that we hit in the midst of the dark times and I pushed myself into the "celebratory mode" to try and get myself out of my funk but it's weird how it is only now can I adequately appreciate the journey.

We had friends over for dinner, something I realized we don't do often. I used to blame this on my husband the chef never being home and no one wants anything I could ever cook. Then I realized that we had befriended people who were buying new houses and getting new furniture and shopping and decorating and that wasn't us. Our house is a mix of sentimental hand-me-downs and gifts and a celebration of us actually having a house of our own to paint weird colors and cover in canvases.

Our friends that we hosted last night have hosted us so many times. They have a fabulous home with a great pool and it's clean, kid-friendly, dog-friendly and super great for entertaining. This was the first time we had them over and I was concerned the kids would be bored because we just had toys, no pool. 

Our friends immediately saw our daughters room and were like..."WHOA THIS IS A COOL BEDROOM." Her loft bed was painted in colors she picked much like her walls and ceiling. She had fairy lights wrapped around the edges. She has a Nintendo Wii on a Disney Princess old school tube TV and huge plastic Maximus horse. Her loft bed had a mattress and stuffed animal beneath it to chill with her action figure shelf that she hand painted filled with Disney figurines awaiting to play. The dog has a staircase to get to the top of the loft bed which has My Little Pony "carpeting." Her room has green walls and a purple ceiling.

Then my daughter showed her guests her secret dream-house play-space, also known as the garage. My husband arranged a carpeted area with his drum set, her yoga mat and the heavy bag. So one was punching, one was drumming and everyone was having a blast. My husband later told me that our friends husband said, "It's so creative over here. The piano, the drums, the place is covered in Luna's art and canvases and pictures she made everywhere it's so cool."

I had never thought of it that way. And today it is making my heart calm, happy and ridiculously grateful that we gave off that vibe. It made me think of our upcoming trip and where we are staying. We have a city full of family but I'm crashing with my best friend, her husband and their 3 children in their 3 bedroom, one bathroom house. Why? Because I have always loved staying with her because it feels like a home away from home. The last time we were there, she brought out old Barbie toys and a doll house for my daughter that they still had. They have dogs, cats, bunnies, chickens, you name it. The girls re-decorate and swap rooms often. There are pictures of her mom and family and craft projects everywhere. I'm completely comfortable there and it just makes sense to be around my people.

My house is a place where you can spill without getting yelled at. I didn't spend $2,000 on a dinette set so, if you get glue on my table I could care less. We don't have matching furniture so if you stain something maybe it will actually match another piece. I watched two friends we really enjoy, and their kids, just walk into our house and embrace it. Then I watched my daughter show off all the things she loves about her home from, the guest room to her room, to her garage. It was a weird sort of gratification, in a way.

My husband outed me as only having "the same people," over. We have my cousins and our other close couple friends over. Otherwise we really don't "host." It's strange because I can hostess like a boss, but I think up until yesterday, I just felt so awkward about our house. I think I reflected all my own insecurities onto my poor house and last night it proved itself to be our "home."

The vibe and the tribe thing are real. Even through my worst phases of life, the people that have caused me stress or discomfort, the people who I have been challenged by, the ones who have stuck around to see me push through everything, are enjoying me being in a better place and THAT feels amazing too.

And don't get me wrong, it's not a "happy" thing. This isn't some "Oh yeah because I'm happy now." I'm not that person. I am awake, I am healing, I am growing and I am slowly owning my trauma. I was not able to do that 3 years ago. I was not able to do that 2 years ago. In that process I was not always like-able and I can own that now too.

If anything I'm affirming that all the cliches are completely real. You have to take things "one day at a time." If you can get a day with "no complaints," call it good. The feelings I'm putting out into the universe are being reciprocated as they should be and the things I don't need are falling out of the way.

I am finding that the people that I need to keep up my forward momentum are right there alongside me. My tribe is ridiculously important to me and I hold them dear. This isn't to say anyone who isn't in my "vibe" isn't in my "tribe" either. I feel good in my general surroundings and support system, which is a huge step. I have always felt that feeling lonely when you are alone is natural but feeling lonely when surrounded by people or in the company of friends is the absolute worst feeling ever, so you can afford to be picky about that sometimes.

With all my years with one foot in the hippie door in Oregon, I can tell you that most of their mantras are true and helpful so, I leave you with this for a Monday Musing: