It's Okay To Remind Yourself It's Okay

Lately my internal dialogue has been interesting. I've keyed into it now more than ever. Sometimes I'll catch myself just repeating reminders to myself under my breath. Most often it's just consistent affirmation that, "It's okay," "I'm okay," or "It will be okay."

The difference between the "okays" now and say, 4 years ago, is that they are more believable and realistic currently. I feel like during the darker times they were just a band-aid on a gushing wound. In the past, reminding myself that it "was okay" was more of an attempt to hate myself less, rather than heal and grow. Today, the okays are support and pushing my emotional and mental growth.

I would compare it to those moments during a workout where you are convinced you'll keel over and you can't finish but you tell yourself, "Nah, you got this." That basic idea is one that I have translated into every day life.

Inner dialogue is delicate because it can come across as completely crazy and almost unhinged in certain circumstances. I am going to make a blanket statement that inner dialogue or working something out in your mind, is a little different than "hearing voices" or actually talking to yourself, although I've had both of those happen in my life too.

I used to reach out to people to help remind me that it's okay which in retrospect was kind of unfair in many aspects. On the one hand, "asking for help," is awesome and sometimes necessary. On the other hand, that can put pressure on people and make them feel like an unpaid therapist.

I think we all need certain encouragement from other sources when warranted, but we also need to self care, self love and self-rely on just me, myself and I. My internal dialogue can range from, simple and silly, to completely deep and driven depending on whatever it is that I am sorting out.

It could be a rationalization for an unanswered question. It can be an encouragement to breathe deep and know that the anxious feelings will surpass from a work exchange or life exchange. It can be finding a solution to a problem. It can be feeling inferior or attacked even. All of these moments have my inner self working for me.

These moments are also like "self-check ins." Sometimes they get the hamster wheels working to find out what actually bothered me. The "okays" come often when faced with triggers. Finding my triggers has been quite an experience. I'm not sure I will ever unveil them all. I compare it to a fossil dig; there could be some stuff layers and layers down that will never fully uncovered.

It can also feel very uncomfortable to dig into that part of myself because triggers can be mean and ugly and can take you to a place you didn't want to go. I had felt triggered earlier this week and I gave myself the, "Okay, so what was really your issue with the subject at hand?" It wound me into this whole, issue of speaking outside of personal experience, judgement on others, addiction and recovery misunderstanding, the issue of forgiveness, the issue of struggling in relationships and then all the way around to women's rights issues and the societal norms for women. I was completely heated about this trigger of just feeling "not okay" with what was put before me.

I almost wrote some big, bad, blog about it but realized it would serve no one but me because my triggers are my own and while I can share them, they often won't be the same as anyone else's. I also didn't want to just pour out some bitter diatribe about things that left a bad taste in my mouth. Everyone has those moments and exchanges from time to time. It's human and again, totally okay.

It's not only extremely okay to remind yourself of the "okay-ness," but I feel it extremely necessary. Life gets overwhelming in a mere moment. You can be having a routine day and get upsetting news of any kind and feel as though nothing is remotely okay. You can be having a boring day and have one minor thing trip you up and you feel wobbly. These are the moments my internal dialogue kicks in and says, "Yeah that's frustrating and really horrible, you can sit with this a moment but it will be okay. It's okay to be defeated right now."

Recently I have been in love with my ability to allow myself to be human because that hasn't been the case over the past handful of years. I had held myself to impossible standards that broke me and I slowly picked up the rubble. So now, being so human and loving myself more through it feels peaceful and calm.

I've made crap choices. I've hurt people I love a lot. I've spent years in fear of what others would think, "if they knew," about hurdles, frustrations and my realities. Now that I've spent hard time healing, I like knowing that, not only are those dark times "okay" and overcome-able, but anything in the future is "okay" and deal-with-able too. 

Reminding yourself of "the okay" doesn't feel selfish to me. I suppose it could be in some circumstances but I think we need self-affirmation from time to time. We naturally seek outside validation, whether we admit it or not, so being okay with yourself should be a positive (mostly).

Everything is a delicate balance. I admitted a few months ago that there were periods of my depression when things were rough, and where it was legitimately terrible and hopeless feeling, but I couldn't allow myself to "live there." I could pass through but not unpack. What did my therapist say to that? "That's okay, that makes sense." The okay-ness affirmed and validated by a third party, then allowed me to look into myself and say, "yes, that is okay."

It is okay. Tell yourself that. Write it down. Read it again. It is all okay. It will all be okay. It is my core belief that it is okay to remind yourself, as much as needed, that it's okay. This may not be a "thing" for you. This may not seem alright or attainable, which is fine. To each their own, but I encourage anyone, especially those feeling anxious, to try some internal dialogue about "the okays," and see where it takes you.

My journey has been uncomfortable, strange, wobbly, bumpy and fearful. My journey is still evolving, but small steps for me have had huge gains and I keep those victories with me for the bad days. Keep going, readers! We're one day closer to the weekend!

I Invented Binge Watching

Okay so I know this looks like some Romy and Michelle, "I invented Post-Its" thing, but you'll have to bear with me.

 

So many years ago a show aired on Showtime called "Weeds." In my young college years in a tiny one bedroom apartment with my then-boyfriend, now husband, we somehow scraped together the money for full cable plus Showtime. My mom had bought us the first season and said "This show is hilarious."

We were hooked instantly and somehow all of our friends, some 7 or 8 of us would squish into our tiny one bedroom apartment, every week to watch Weeds. This may have happened two full seasons I cannot remember. One season I was studying abroad and when I came home I literally adapted back to the Pacific Northwest time zone, by binge-watching Weeds when I couldn't sleep.

Weeds is created and written by Jenji Kohan who is now most well known for the Netflix series, Orange is the New Black. Weeds now lives in infamy for perfectly embodying the phrase "Jumped the Shark," when referencing it's weirdly tumultuous detour in Season 4. Now Weeds lasted 8 Seasons but to all die hard fans, after season 4 it was like, "This can't get worse, but let's just see I guess."

I fell in love with Weeds amazing cast and the plot line and once I was invested, I was all in. When we moved around and were struggling 20 somethings trying to figure out life, we couldn't afford cable. Season after season after season went by and what would we do? Every year they released it on DVD we would buy it THAT day and then watch the ENTIRE season with great food and laziness. Hence, I invented binge-watching.

I'd like to say it started with Weeds but really I think it started when I got my first Season of Friends. It was like a contest on who could watch the most episodes. Even when Netflix started you could only "Binge-watch" whatever you had on disk pre-streaming platforms. So if Netflix sent you 2 discs of a season with 5 disks, you were still limited.

I lived to have an entire season in my hands and devour the entire thing. It was the most relaxation I could ever have and thus my invented perfection of the binge-watch began. Other binge-watching revelations could go back to America's Next Top Model or bad VH-1 reality television shows. Remember those marathon days? Yeah, I was all over that!

This all came about because with the final season of Jenji Kohan's most recent brainchild being released onto Netflix and also my recent binge watch of Glow, I realized that the term and act of "binge watch" is such a thing so much so that many Netflix series drop that term into normal conversation. It's now fully a thing.

I started to re-watch all of Orange is the New Black and often prep for a new Season release by watching all prior episodes. I am the exact target audience of all things binge-watching so I think I should get some creative credit here.

Netflix definitely does it right. Watching a series from week to week is now agonizing and makes you feel prehistoric and completely let down.

The best part, for me, about a binge watch experience is it forces me to slow down. I do not sit still and this whole "me time" thing is such a struggle for me. So then, if I know a season is coming out I can be like "Sunday after church we are doing nothing and watching Stranger Things 3 all day!" It forces me to get stuff done and out of the way to succumb to the "chill."

I'm sure many people can't do the binge watch but for me, while breastfeeding and being a stay at home mom with this kid attached to me, it was all about binge-watching. I devoured Mad Men, the last seasons of The Office, that series The Killing was it called? I watched Glee and a bunch of other stuff I'm probably forgetting. 

I'm that weirdo who likes having stuff on in the background. It's a momentary distraction or, something to offset the other annoying walks of life. Who doesn't enjoy folding laundry with Game of Thrones in the background? Well, at least the first 7 seasons now maybe. 

I have always been that girl that cannot wait to settle into a good movie with popcorn and treats or with a pizza and undivided attention on that screen. When movies were still affordable, I'd be there just waiting to engulf myself in the drama. I still need to watch all 3 uncut versions of Lord of the Rings and all 8 Harry Potter movies in one sitting. Yes. Goals.

Maybe I should write something about "The Art of The Binge Watch," because I think I'm seriously onto something here! I digress, and the moral of all this Friday fun is, binge watching is such a thing that our patience to follow a series is waning, much like our patience without technology is dissolving. So although I fully plan to keep watching Orange Is The New Black and become a binge-watching  connoisseur, I will leave you with the wise words of the great Ferris Bueller:

The Cry-O-Meter of Mom-ness

Mothering is exhausting, grueling, rewarding and difficult. Being a mom is an intense experience, period. Sometimes I feel like my mom-ness is off from others and one of those ways is the crying factor.

I'm an angry frustrated crier. Anger comes out of my eyeballs in water form and when I'm infuriated it's almost like a full tantrum. But I don't cry much for other things like first days of school, last days of school, awards and new horizons.

Don't get me wrong, my daughter is my everything and I know I was put on this earth to be her mother, but it's not always a cupcakes and rainbows job. Let's face it, she's probably my only child at this rate, and I work hard to just enjoy every phase with her, but my cry-o-meter seems to be off from other moms.

I don't know if it's because we've had a rough 6 years but I don't cry when I drop her at school on the first day. I may well up a bit, or just feel "Wow, what an incredible milestone," but I'm not weeping with joy and love. Ew, that's not me. I'm not gushy in that way.

I cried when she was being tortured in the hospital for failure to thrive with stomach tubes and blood draws and not being allowed to take her home to heal. I cried after the car accident that she was bruised and cut, bloodied and whining while I looked at the wreckage. I cried when they found out her legs were broken and she kept yelling at the nurses, "leave me alone! Ow! I want my mommy!" I cried when I had to sleep train her and she destroyed my doll house and I had to clean up everything alone but had to stand my ground. That's my mom crying.

I've been up nights crying hoping I could care for her on my own if I needed. I've cried when she has come to comfort me telling me I would be okay or we would be okay. I cried during Irma when we were sleeping in a huge pile of uncertainty ready to face the storm. But no, I didn't cry on her last day of school.

School stuff is cute and cuddly, for sure, but she's still so little. She's not on some path to Harvard. She's just being a kid. I want to let her be as much of a kid as she can. I also work full time and have all kinds of mental health things to work out, a husband to support in more ways than one, and a household to run so volunteering to pass out juice in class isn't a priority.

I don't buy her "first day" outfits. I don't perfectly manicure pictures of her much. I let her be herself as much as possible because she is growing up fast and sometimes I just want to sit back and watch. I don't want to fight over homework or projects, I just want to sit back in awe of her becoming a grown person and know that I helped make that happen.

Any moms that make time to be very hands on are my heroes, but it just ain't me. I'm not the mom that will make fantastic snacks and set up elaborately constructed play dates. I'm not the mom that keeps her in style and up with the cool trends. 

I'm the mom that feels the overwhelming emotion when I see her have a thoughtful reaction to a friend or loved one in need. I'm the mom that wells up when she decides to unload the dishwasher without being asked, because she wants to let mommy rest. I'm the mom that snuggles and does face masks and makes popcorn and lets her do what she wants (within reason).

I'm not sure where that all fits on the Cry-O-Meter for motherhood but it definitely triggers some interesting feelings. When I have other moms ask if I've cried or not I just try to play it off kindly because at this stage in my life, I'm just so happy with how far we've come and so consumed with keeping positive momentum, that I don't have time to cry over how fast time is going, rather I just want to enjoy the fact that I get to be in her life.

This isn't to say that moms that cry out of missing their babies be babies are some how inferior or "wussy" or "soft" in any way! I'm always there to hug you and hand you the tissues! I just don't get hit that way and props to you for letting it all come out!

I think we all have weird Cry-O-Meter dials and some days are better than others. I think all moms feel like they fail regularly, sometimes even daily, but what's important is that we are moms! We just have to mother the crap out of them no matter how many tears! And with those thoughts, I usher in the summer before I have a first grader. Here we go!