Vacation Bliss and Sick Daze: Whirlwind Unwound

Well, it's been awhile. I'm welcoming myself back into things as I type. Where have I been? Well, with the exception of a great trip, I have been nowhere awesome. In fact, I had been so ill last week I just couldn't pull it together to write, but I'm back and rebuilding in every which way to finish this year strong.

We had driven from left coast Florida to Hilton Head Island South Carolina for a Savannah, Georgia wedding and had a trip that caused my best friend to text me and tell me to do whatever it was we were doing more, so that the joy captured on my face was there way more often.

We had fun at the beach, we did some learning about the area, we went to a petting zoo, played a round of mini golf, we got treats galore! We were living our best lives as the cool kids say. We weren't breaking the bank, which was beyond amazing for us, too. That allowed for more relaxation in fact.

After a great family weekend with one minor speed bump, which now in retrospect is so telling it's almost creepy, I came home to one of the nastiest illnesses I have ever experienced.

Our last night we went to a restaurant my husband wanted to try. Full disclosure, I really don't enjoy going out to dinner. Breakfast out is a dream, lunches I can handle, but dinner with a 6 year old out, is like a race against time before she's done and you just want to relax and get your money's worth.

First I ordered a peach bellini, thinking it would be one way and it came out with more pulp than all of Florida's orange juice. I don't send things back. I also major in passive aggression. I will not complain and I don't want conflict. My husband is Mr. Restaurant Man and encouraged me to send it back, so I did. It was not an easy thing and actually caused a bit of a strain between us because I can get a little high strung in those situations and often over-stress it. 

When we ordered I tried to be adventurous and when I got my food it was lacking. After the humiliation and strain of the drink send back I didn't want to make another fuss and be "that customer" of the evening. The cole slaw on my tacos tasted weird, so I made the hubby try it. I said, is it like "bad" or a flavor that I'm not into? He said it was fine, I grinned and finished up, we headed to ice cream. For ice cream I ordered a blue cookie monster thing and then made everyone laugh at my blue tongue, blue lips and blue teeth to lighten the evening. We walked off the food and returned for the last night in the condo. I hit the hot tub for all of 10 minutes but then started to feel off.

I will admit that I'm that person who has physical trouble on her travels, meaning, my body gets off its normal schedule, if you get what I mean. In new places with unreliable bathroom use, my body gets tense and tends to stay that way until nature has it's way and wins. My husband made me a probiotic tea at the first mention of my tummy being off. It seemed to get some things feeling better. I slept. We got up early to see the sun rise before the long day in the car.

I was not even kind of hungry. I just wanted coffee. The coffee seemed to help the second act of whatever my tummy was going through. I didn't have solid food until 11AM and started with crackers. Then my husband and I shared some chicken salad. It wasn't until we were 2 hours from home I finally caved and got fast food. I got Taco Bell and at the time it was amazing and gave me the push through for the final stretch. However, as soon we were home and comfy I started to feel even more off. And so it began.

I will spare you the gory details, this is not that kind of blog, but let's just say my body was rebelling against either, dinner the night before, or the cheesy gordita crunch or all of the above. I had more tea and more calming food and still, things were leaving my body swiftly and I was having the most intense stomach cramps I have ever experienced. As the night went on it was coupled with fever and chills and long showers and midday naps weren't cutting it. I called into work Monday, with no choice but to rest. I got a weird second wind Monday and changed our sheets, convincing myself I would be fine the next day after all the extra sleep, and a bowl of pasta. 

Monday night was another sleepless night but I was going to work, come hell or high water. I hit the grocery store for reserves after rolling out of bed, taking a long shower, throwing on clothes, resting in bed another 10 minutes and then pulling it together enough to get myself to the store and the office. I got to the office 20 minutes early and napped in my car. I just had to make it to lunch I told myself.

I was on a steady diet of ginger ale, gatorade, water, and all I wanted was applesauce. I had cheese as the secondary option for protein. On my lunch I took a car nap then woke up violently needing to hit the bathroom. I started to have horrible cramping to the point where I felt faint, and then another ugly symptom came up and that's when I called in the hubby. He told me it was time to leave work, and go to urgent care, enough was enough.

My bosses were fine with me leaving early and I made it to urgent care in about 30 minutes. They warned me of a two hour wait. It only took me about 30 minutes before I got to a room, and my husband came to join me later. When the doctor came in, I had left out some important and gross symptoms my husband filled in for him, and apparently I warranted one injection and 2 prescriptions.

I was uncomfortable and in an haze. Ironically the shot was administered through none other than my butt and a very young, attractive woman who was a nurse practitioner had to see my old pale rear end to give me my injection to feel better. I will say my color came back quickly and I was released to go home and rest. The residual migraine stayed with me and off I went to get better. I had to take Wednesday off as well.

On Wednesday while the meds were working their magic I felt very spacey, almost high. I watched all the things on "the big TV," I normally wouldn't be allowed to if the kid were home. I tried to stay up all day so I could sleep well that night. I wasn't allowed to work out while I was on the meds and my husband check in on me that I was just resting and trying to get in some calories.

I had lost about 6 lbs in 2 days. Most women would jump for joy. I'm not even kind of "most women." This was killing me. I wanted my body back. I missed things like coffee, having any kind of appetite, wanting real food or meat and not having to go to the bathroom after every meal. I missed not feeling so thirsty and feeling like I actually knew my body. I felt like my body was just rebelling like "how could you!?" 

It wasn't until exactly a week later, last night, that I could eat at normal capacity. This morning was my first cup of coffee in over a week. After all of this, after everything, I realize how important it is to take care of myself in more ways than one. After I went to urgent care my daughter said "Mom, it was not a good idea for you to go to work this morning!" She wasn't wrong.

On the one hand, showing my make-up-less struggling, slightly smelly self was proof that I was actually not okay. On the other, it did me no favors. I was stupid grateful for my husband and daughter being supportive. I was also grateful the dog gave me endless healing cuddles. My bosses were amazing, with no guilt, and that helped me heal as well. 

This morning was my first workout back and I had to take it slow. I'm usually the last one to go after western medicine as the healing but I couldn't wait it out, and now I'm back to finish this year off and here is where I'm idling:

I can only do what I can with what is before me. This year has been one of healing and growth and we have made some serious moves in our family life and personal lives. It's been really hard. I've had to admit some stuff about my life, my family and myself that I don't want to. I've had to face some old traumas. I've had to grow UP.  Next year will be more of that.

I'm here and lucky to be here with the family that is mine and the good health I have. It is my job to make the most of the time I have on this planet. There will continue to be good days and bad days, vacation bliss and sick days and life's whirlwind may wind me up and keep me spinning but I just need to keep my focal point so as not to lose my balance.

I plan on finishing this year of blogging as intended and I'm not sure what 2020 will look like for writing. I appreciate all of you taking the time to read along and will be working on new topics this week and through the holidays. I'm back in action and hope to not be knocked down any time again soon!

Sore Makes Me Less Sorry For Myself

I had an old friend check in on me yesterday. Whenever life mentally beats me down, I kind of go hermit and hide from people. I start to refrain from checking in and just kind of try and keep afloat. We have become better in the last year of the every few months check in and as someone who I would consider one of my closest friends and someone I admire in life and motherhood, her check in came in right on time.

Having confessed to her last year my personal struggles with all things life and then finding out hers was similar and not all smiles and cute kids, she always asks about my big struggle. Yesterday I told her "I work out, A LOT, to burn off some of the stress."

I added an "LOL," to lighten the heaviness that might come with that commentary and realized this morning how happy I'd felt all week being so sore and sleeping so well, because I had kicked my butt physically. I think being sore made me feel less sorry for myself after my relapse of high anxiety and deep depression last weekend.

I think it's something that can be hard for people to grasp but because my mind is often like a hamster spinning on a wheel to nowhere, a focused workout or even a treadmill run takes all my mental energy and harnesses it for good, leaving me able to rest at ease later. I wish I could call it a vanity thing like I wanted to be "hot" and "slim" but that has almost nothing to do with it. I like to look healthy, which has a wide definition, different for everyone, but skinny is not my goal.

When I had my first realization of how deep my depression and anxiety where I was about 22 or 23. I had lost both of my grandparents within a year and my mom had a cancer scare with a large tumor removed. I had been through a lot with personal relationships and was mid-college trying to figure out this thing called life. In my therapy they emphasized the importance of routine, physical activity and structure. 

I would say I religiously follow that rule about my personal struggle with depression and anxiety that physical activity is tantamount to my mental recovery. I always feel badly when I don't work out and the sore is better than the sorry for myself. I always catch myself being at my worst when and if I'm not moving around enough.

Working out has always been my therapy, especially when we couldn't afford someone for me to talk to. When I work out it's usually just myself and my music. Music is therapy part two. There is nothing I can't do, and no mental anguish if I have the perfect play list, even if that play list is all depressing stuff.

I rest better at night, both physically and mentally, when I know I have physically exhausted myself. This can sound kind of masochistic but I actually just love that sense of accomplishment. I know plenty of people who live on protein shakes and hardcore diets and serious fitness goals and I'm happy that works for them, but I like knowing I can indulge in ice cream guilt free because I kicked my ass throughout the day.

When I feel sore, not only am I far less sorry for myself in general, but I know I did something right to keep feeling that work out as the day goes on. Yesterday I was laughing out loud at how much it hurt from soreness to run and to do other exercises because I had given myself consistently great workouts throughout the week. 

This morning I realized how imperative my workouts are for everything. I recently started taking my daughter to the gym with me. Not only is she old enough to actually take in what I'm doing, but she can sit and chill while I get my workout in, and if it's slow enough, join me a bit. Now my mom gave me a huge complex about my body, which I am fighting tooth and nail to NOT to do my daughter at all. I always tell her she's fantastic. "Fat" is like a swear word in our house. I want her to understand health and happiness, so I try to lead by example.

Some people may view my twice daily workouts five days a week as excessive or obsessive. But one could also say the same for Keto-dieters, taking all kinds of supplements or meal-planning, weight watchers and so on and so forth. To each their own. For me it is 90% mental health practices and 10% fitness related.

Also, I like working out. It is something I actually enjoy. I don't "enjoy" running but I'll do it sometimes. I do my best to make anything that makes me sore, at least less of a chore than other things. We all have workouts we like, and workouts we don't. I try and keep a decent mix.

For me working out is part of health care. It's preventative and part of a healthy lifestyle. Look I eat cookies, and cake, and many "unhealthy" things but all in moderation. So working out is meant to bring me some balance, both physically and mentally. It's what I strive for.

I think it would be easy to see my posts and say I'm a work-out-aholic. It could be easy to exchange one form of obsession or compulsion for another, but I think the work out obsession may be safer than a binge-eating situation. Some of the most functional people I know have a good workout routine and decent eating habits, even if they have a cheat day from time to time.

After my recent mental mis-step I'm just taking pride in the fact that I'm very aware of what to do to get myself back on my feet, so to speak. I know what my mind and body need and I'm not afraid or ashamed to share that. I love that being sore keeps away the "sorrys." I don't need to throw myself a pity party because we all have our mental woes. I need to continue to heal, and continue to grow. My fitness regimes feed that growth and healing and keep those endorphins flowing freely!

Also, Elle Woods is my girl so, I kinda like to follow her life model. Happy Friday!

It's Okay To Remind Yourself It's Okay

Lately my internal dialogue has been interesting. I've keyed into it now more than ever. Sometimes I'll catch myself just repeating reminders to myself under my breath. Most often it's just consistent affirmation that, "It's okay," "I'm okay," or "It will be okay."

The difference between the "okays" now and say, 4 years ago, is that they are more believable and realistic currently. I feel like during the darker times they were just a band-aid on a gushing wound. In the past, reminding myself that it "was okay" was more of an attempt to hate myself less, rather than heal and grow. Today, the okays are support and pushing my emotional and mental growth.

I would compare it to those moments during a workout where you are convinced you'll keel over and you can't finish but you tell yourself, "Nah, you got this." That basic idea is one that I have translated into every day life.

Inner dialogue is delicate because it can come across as completely crazy and almost unhinged in certain circumstances. I am going to make a blanket statement that inner dialogue or working something out in your mind, is a little different than "hearing voices" or actually talking to yourself, although I've had both of those happen in my life too.

I used to reach out to people to help remind me that it's okay which in retrospect was kind of unfair in many aspects. On the one hand, "asking for help," is awesome and sometimes necessary. On the other hand, that can put pressure on people and make them feel like an unpaid therapist.

I think we all need certain encouragement from other sources when warranted, but we also need to self care, self love and self-rely on just me, myself and I. My internal dialogue can range from, simple and silly, to completely deep and driven depending on whatever it is that I am sorting out.

It could be a rationalization for an unanswered question. It can be an encouragement to breathe deep and know that the anxious feelings will surpass from a work exchange or life exchange. It can be finding a solution to a problem. It can be feeling inferior or attacked even. All of these moments have my inner self working for me.

These moments are also like "self-check ins." Sometimes they get the hamster wheels working to find out what actually bothered me. The "okays" come often when faced with triggers. Finding my triggers has been quite an experience. I'm not sure I will ever unveil them all. I compare it to a fossil dig; there could be some stuff layers and layers down that will never fully uncovered.

It can also feel very uncomfortable to dig into that part of myself because triggers can be mean and ugly and can take you to a place you didn't want to go. I had felt triggered earlier this week and I gave myself the, "Okay, so what was really your issue with the subject at hand?" It wound me into this whole, issue of speaking outside of personal experience, judgement on others, addiction and recovery misunderstanding, the issue of forgiveness, the issue of struggling in relationships and then all the way around to women's rights issues and the societal norms for women. I was completely heated about this trigger of just feeling "not okay" with what was put before me.

I almost wrote some big, bad, blog about it but realized it would serve no one but me because my triggers are my own and while I can share them, they often won't be the same as anyone else's. I also didn't want to just pour out some bitter diatribe about things that left a bad taste in my mouth. Everyone has those moments and exchanges from time to time. It's human and again, totally okay.

It's not only extremely okay to remind yourself of the "okay-ness," but I feel it extremely necessary. Life gets overwhelming in a mere moment. You can be having a routine day and get upsetting news of any kind and feel as though nothing is remotely okay. You can be having a boring day and have one minor thing trip you up and you feel wobbly. These are the moments my internal dialogue kicks in and says, "Yeah that's frustrating and really horrible, you can sit with this a moment but it will be okay. It's okay to be defeated right now."

Recently I have been in love with my ability to allow myself to be human because that hasn't been the case over the past handful of years. I had held myself to impossible standards that broke me and I slowly picked up the rubble. So now, being so human and loving myself more through it feels peaceful and calm.

I've made crap choices. I've hurt people I love a lot. I've spent years in fear of what others would think, "if they knew," about hurdles, frustrations and my realities. Now that I've spent hard time healing, I like knowing that, not only are those dark times "okay" and overcome-able, but anything in the future is "okay" and deal-with-able too. 

Reminding yourself of "the okay" doesn't feel selfish to me. I suppose it could be in some circumstances but I think we need self-affirmation from time to time. We naturally seek outside validation, whether we admit it or not, so being okay with yourself should be a positive (mostly).

Everything is a delicate balance. I admitted a few months ago that there were periods of my depression when things were rough, and where it was legitimately terrible and hopeless feeling, but I couldn't allow myself to "live there." I could pass through but not unpack. What did my therapist say to that? "That's okay, that makes sense." The okay-ness affirmed and validated by a third party, then allowed me to look into myself and say, "yes, that is okay."

It is okay. Tell yourself that. Write it down. Read it again. It is all okay. It will all be okay. It is my core belief that it is okay to remind yourself, as much as needed, that it's okay. This may not be a "thing" for you. This may not seem alright or attainable, which is fine. To each their own, but I encourage anyone, especially those feeling anxious, to try some internal dialogue about "the okays," and see where it takes you.

My journey has been uncomfortable, strange, wobbly, bumpy and fearful. My journey is still evolving, but small steps for me have had huge gains and I keep those victories with me for the bad days. Keep going, readers! We're one day closer to the weekend!

The First Day After The Vacay Post

After returning from vacation last night, staying up too late unpacking, unwinding and trying to wrap my head around re-entering routines and reality, I am now settling back and figuring out a decent pace with which to do so and can sit down and write.

Part of me assumed I'd have so many blog post ideas I'd have to figure out which one first, but really, my car ride into work left me feeling wobbly and tired. So here I am grasping at my bearings. 

This trip was a learning experience. I could say they all are, but not so much. I mean I've learned how to pack, I've learned how to stress less but the phases of childhood, adulthood and marriage, are all learning experiences anyway, so throw in a trip and it's like free tuition.

My daughter's practice of picky kid eating was brutal and because I had to plan so delicately for that, not only could I barely practice my mindful eating, but I really couldn't report if I over-ate at all. I had no mindset for it. And if I was hungry and there wasn't food, oh well. I know I drank too much Starbucks, but that is all. I barely snacked and when the opportunity for a real meal came up, I indulged because, hello, vacation.

I learned that being "tough," directive and correct about things doesn't make you any friends. I learned that in the right company you can have your needs met with no argument, but instead with open arms, understanding and gratitude. I learned that family is just family, no matter what.

I think this trip was a complete lesson in practicing what you preach, picking your battles and just taking what you can from what's in front of you. There was rain, sun, tears, smiles, and a lot of compromises. I actually had only one meltdown on vacation and then about an hour into being back home I lost it and screamed aloud in the kitchen.

Some of my favorite parts of our trip were at our most volatile moments in fact. On our flight north, my daughter was completely irate that I had mixed up the terminals and there was no Chik-Fil-A only PDQ and she lost it. I calmly salvaged everything and settled for a Lunch-able, a can of Pringles and Chocolate Milk for dinner. The following morning she ate her weight in sausage at the continental breakfast. She was upset and we were walking around the terminal looking for food. I was talking her down. I kept saying 'The getting there is the worst part and you're allowed to feel all the frustration but we can make it work."

I saw an older motherly-type smile compassionately at me even though my daughter was audibly hating me. When we boarded our flight I said "Okay, please be aware of other people and not to bonk into them and you may pick our seats." The same woman we passed was front and center on our flight, already boarded and she said kindly, "You're doing good mom," to me. That was a great moment for me. I liked kindness and support.

My daughter did well until we were awaiting the shuttle at the hotel. She just lost it and I let her sit on the luggage. There was a sweet flight attendant watching my daughter's meltdown, amused at the display and she said, "You know, I was with my 4 year old at Wal-Mart late one night, getting close to bed time. She was talking back and the cashier said, 'I don't know why kids think they can be bratty just when they're tired.' I about smacked that cashier like, 'She's 4! She's tired! And she's my kid! Kids gotta be kids!'" When I finally loaded her into the shuttle that woman said, "You're doing good mom! You got this!"

Those two moments were just the little pick me up I needed to get me through. There were times when my daughter was just straight mean to me, and miserable because of whatever reason. And I just had to get her to a calm space and rationalize. There were a few times I grabbed her arm in a public place and said "ENOUGH!" More often I just let it slide, why? Because she's a human kid completely out of her normal routine. I weighed the importance of "disciplining" her and just letting her be a bit of a kid, which seemingly only bothered my husband.

I think travelling is just stressful and hard, so making it any worse by being "at" each other doesn't serve much of a purpose in my opinion. I think my daughter did phenomenally well in retrospect but there were times when I wanted to lose it on her, for sure. What mom doesn't have those moments daily and especially in high stress situations.

I've become pretty rational with her lately. I've started saying "Okay here is your issue, here are the options, what choice are you making?" I've coddled her and done what I could to pacify in a few situations but I've also made her toughen up a bit.

Yesterday she was very itchy from some bug bites. We had plenty of cortizone cream. We changed shoes. We tried with and without socks. By the end of the day she was just completely done. She slept so hard on the plane and woke up enraged and ready to get home. When we were in the airport I saw some of the dirty looks from people thinking I was this mom letting her child be "neglected" or "whiny." She wasn't bleeding, she was uncomfortable, it happens. Then I had a guy on the escalator smile after my daughter let out a huge whiny exclaim and he said, "We all feel the way she does, we just aren't letting it out like her!"

At the baggage claim another mom said, "I've had those days. I have a 7 year old and 4 year old. Their dad has been with them all of 4 hours and cannot wait for me to get home. You're doing good." Then an older gentlemen said "They grow up to be better," showed me a picture of his redheaded granddaughter and proudly reported her starting college. Even our ride home was okay with her yelling at me the whole way home. 

Yelling at her about any of it, wouldn't have solved the situation and the same went for the entire trip. My biggest meltdown was mostly quiet and born out of the feeling that no one was grateful for where we were, where we had been and what we were able to see. I felt like up to that point I had compromised my ass off, was being "told how things would go," and I just wasn't having it. 

My meltdown at home was born out of a lot of the same things but for different reasons. I didn't have expectations that my home would be pristine and waiting for me, but I hadn't anticipated or felt it deserved to have extra work in my way of settling back in. The first day back after vacation is always rough because you've had all this time away adventuring and then you're slammed back into routines and schedules, I always just hope that there are things in place to lessen the blow of the transition, rather than amplify. Then again, to practice what I preach boy did I have my low expectations train arrive at a grinding halt at the station!

This trip showed me infinite gratefulness. I felt so well taken care of by the people I love the most. I felt like we were appreciated for taking the time to be around everyone and in more ways than one. I felt so lucky and blessed to have been a part of everything. I felt calm, loved and at ease which I can honestly say hasn't always been the case on trips of the past.

I opened my eyes to a lot through this experience, especially in reference to my daughter and husband. I'm a little tired. I'm a little stressed to get back into things, but I know I'll be okay and things will even out after some time re-adjusting. For now, send coffee and hugs and I'll be getting back on the blogging track as well. Happy Monday!

The Betterment

July has been brutal. I don't mean hot, although sure it's be hot. I don't mean brutal like "bad." We have just been busy non-stop and it flew by so fast. Wasn't yesterday just the 4th? How is summer almost over?

I was texting with a friend last night, needing to catch up because so many little things have fallen through the cracks, especially with vacation prep, and we were doing our normal "how are things going," routine and she specifically asked about the hubby.

Yesterday he had mowed the yard, and mowed the neighbor's too because they have been kind to us that way, and helped an elderly neighbor with their trash bin, all while hosting the neighbor girl for a play date, making me some dinner and getting other chores done too. Last weekend when I had the kids with us, he brought me coffee often, he helped where and when he could, and he was nice even if I wasn't so receptive in that exact moment.

I relayed some of that to her and she says, "It seems like things have been going better this year." I stopped and read it and reread it a bit. Better. Things were better. Betterment. We had entered into some betterment.

A year ago this time we went back to Oregon for the first time together in years. There was a lot of anxiety about the trip and I was mentally struggling, but I was also adamant to make the most out of our first ever dual paid vacation off. When we returned I felt like maybe we could really make things better. That's when a little speed bump in the road of life seemingly left us a flat tire and no cell service. We weren't better, just yet.

After one last bad, bad situation, one last storm of epic proportion, finally a rainbow had appeared. It's been a work in progress. It has been one step, one day at a time. It has been anything but easy and I still move forward, cautiously optimistic. I will say that I feel we are on the right track after it all. We are getting better, bit by bit.

I became really good at struggling. I found my coping mechanisms, my deflections, and my ways to survive, but I didn't like being in that place. I became very much able to handle the storm. I learned to stuff everything down and swallow it so it wouldn't affect anyone but me. This was not a solution, it was just pure survival mode.

When you start learning about trauma, what trauma actually is, and paint-by-numbering your own experiences with it, things can get murky, and then somehow clear. This process is enlightening and frustrating all at once, in my personal experience at least.

I had to throw out my self-sabotage and survival modes and learn about self love and self care. I'm still working on that, even today. I had to find ways to trust again without destroying my intuition and past experiences, invalidating them. I had to learn to accept my flaws and embrace them, also a day to day process.

I had to learn to communicate and speak up, which can still feel uncomfortable at times. Last weekend with extra kiddos my husband and I had a momentary altercation. My exhaustion and maternal instinct kicked in hardcore and while he said he would take care of things, I undermined him and over-spoke because I was so maxed out, I couldn't properly communicate with him and listen or let him in.

I caught myself and apologized. I admitted what I did was crappy and unfair and we didn't have it drag on through the day as this cloud of being annoyed with each other. It passed immediately and was freeing. This was an affirmation of the betterment.

It's the smallest signs of the betterment that I need and love the most. It's the surprise cups of coffee, those favorite dinners ready when I get home. It's the garage being reorganized or a trip to the store done so I don't have to. When you are so used to carrying everything yourself and then your partner helps, it's a new kind of luxury and renewed kind of comfort.

Sometimes I don't want to admit that things were so bad so as to warrant this betterment but lately I have been more conscious of enjoying the journey and being extremely grateful for where we are on the path. Sometimes those sentiments are not simple or easy but more often than not, they are there, I just have to pay attention.

This is the first time in a long time I'm going on a trip and I have good things to report. I can say with confidence that things are generally "okay" and not have some subconscious voice call me out for faking it until I make it. I can be at ease, which honestly makes me feel slightly uneasy just typing that.

Life is difficult. It is stressful. It is so frustrating at times. But we do only actually live once so we gotta make the best of it. Marriage is hard, and anyone who says differently might actually be insane. Parenthood is difficult, rewarding, and maddening simultaneously. When you feel engulfed in the depressive and anxious ways that can take over when life gives you lemons, you're prone to just let them rot rather than making that lemonade stuff as the saying goes. Although I think making that lemonade and adding a little sugar, or extra sugar if necessary, that is the start of the betterment.

With all the cliches and metaphors I hope you find yourself nearing betterment. Or if you're in a rough spot, remember that the betterment can happen. That may be easy to forget! For now, I plan to enjoy my betterment, perhaps with a cold glass of lemonade!

Finding What Works, Accepting What Doesn't

I had to take a step back recently. I'd hit a weird workout plateau or wall even, and I also started reverting back to my comfort coping mechanism routines instead of getting into new ones. In the midst of all of this, I just paid a bit closer attention to some things and realized quite a bit.

When boot camp ended there were a handful of us moms that took it pretty hard. We had gone for years and years and we lost a staple in our lives. During all the bad times and hurdles in life, we had good ol', reliable boot camp, and it was no more. I decided to look at this in a positive way like, "Okay, I have been sick of those 5 specific workouts for years and I was feeling kinda lackluster anyway so, this could be a good time for a change." Others had far more opposition and weren't able to see anything positive about it. 

When I started 9Rounds, I was so excited because I got a raise to be able to afford it AND I'd always loved kickboxing. I had been wanting to join a kickboxing gym for over a decade. Goal met! I had two moms in tow to start the 9Rounds journey, both of whom have since decided it's not for them. Their attendance was a good "get in and get going," for me at the start, but I have always been one to establish my own routines and work hard, with or without a buddy. And, in my experience, the longer you go to the gym solo, you end up making buddies in said gym anyway.

When I realized that 9Rounds was barely helping me sustain and I had gained a bit, I was upset at first and had my tantrum. But then, with that ever-so-important step back, I realized that over the past 6 years, all of my weight loss successes and long-term energy spurts have only happened with excessive workouts. It is the way my body is built now, and I accept that. 

I started to look around for other gyms or programs to supplement with 9Rounds but the cost was just too much. So then I thought, "I bet my work complex has a fitness center, and I bet us employees have access, so I should just ask the building manager!" I did, and she said to go ahead and enjoy. Not only am I using my lunch break in a much better way, I'm no longer spending money on unnecessary things while wandering St. Pete, I'm not out in the sun and heat or unpredictable rain, and I usually have the place to myself, so it's like a quiet little haven.

I saw the difference immediately in energy levels and just my physical well being. Immediately I was sleeping better and eating better because of the new routine. As my mom friends explained why they weren't kickboxing with me anymore, I told them that I started running on my lunch breaks and that it's an adjustment after 5 years of the same routine. I don' begrudge them finding their own way or managing their own struggles.

My old trainer from boot camp and I stay in touch. The only reason I can't go to his new workout class is because it's at 6AM and I have to be in the car by 7:15AM, ready to go to work. He joked with me that I needed a new job and I giggled because, I have the best job I've had since I left nanny-ing, and this job is worth any other sacrifice!

So again, with a step back I looked and reminded myself, that I fought really, really hard to get HERE. I once told my best friend awhile ago that when I was 19 I had two goals: to be able to afford a fancy coffee every day (aka coffee shop coffee) and to be able to afford "the good" toilet paper. By the time I was 25 I realized that fancy coffee shop coffee is a much nicer treat from time to time, and I can make great coffee at home for cheaper too. And "the good" toilet paper isn't cheap, so generic works just as well for the job! At 34, fancy coffee shop coffee is a serious treat I allow myself once or twice a week as I'm super picky and immediately get pissed if it's not made right, and "the good" toilet paper is based on what's on sale and coupons.

Things CHANGE, you evolve, you learn, you grow. Sometimes we don't want the change. Sometimes we detest the change, but you have to find what works, and if it doesn't just find a way to accept it. Or maybe find a medium of, "Okay this isn't working as I'd expected, so what can I be doing to deal with what is at hand?"

For me, for my kickboxing and working out, I realized I needed to pay closer attention to my movements in 9Rounds and supplement any exercise I couldn't do properly, rather than half-assing something. 

I realized that because it was a completely different brand of cardio than my body had become so used to, I needed to jog it out and do some additional weight training to balance everything out, and for me IT IS WORTH IT, because then I don't have to feel bad about enjoying food and life. I refuse to regret and damned doughnut unless it was actually like a bad doughnut.

This is part of the whole adulting process and everyone hits it at their own pace, but I'm there right now and when you see other friends flailing, sometimes it's hard not to step in and talk about all this, but when I had people come at me negatively it didn't "snap me" into growing, it probably just stunted me moreso, actually. 

Sometimes all of this, sucks, I won't sugar coat it, but in my humble opinion, it's worth it. Finding what works can be daunting and exhausting, at times even leave you feeling hopeless. Accepting what doesn't work can be exactly the same if not worse, but all of this is a part of life.

Everyone will be different too, but I wish we could just be supportive of each other. I have one mom friend who is always apologizing for not coming to work out with me. I never shame her or guilt her, I just say, "If you need rest or you're not up for it, I'll be there tomorrow with you so take care of yourself." Making her feel bad won't make her come back!

I've been having a struggle with church attendance recently and there is one particular church-goer who likes to bring this up whenever I manage to get myself in there. Last time took the cake of the comment, "I hope you know I'm not really trying to give you a hard time we just miss you." While the thought is nice, telling me every single time you see me that you haven't seen me in forever and you wish we would be around more, starts to sound "scoldy" and kinda mean. It's like when someone asks you to help them and then they say, "but no pressure." You just put the pressure on by adding that! And what happens to me when these situations come up? It makes me not want to go to church, because I'd rather be out of sight, out of mind, and it makes me not want to help because if I don't help, I can't get pressured while helping.

What works for me is surrounding myself with the support of my tribe; people that get me (as much as they can). The more I force myself into uncomfortable situations for obligatory things, I realize, this doesn't work and I accept that part of me. There's a certain balance with going outside your comfort zone; parameters if you will. Establishing these is another process but can be helpful in your progress towards peace. For me, that's my ultimate goal, more peace and much less stress. A girl can dream, can't she?

4th Of July Fun With Fantastic Friends

Per my whole continued healing stuff and all of the adulting and working, yesterday we did not have a post. I engaged in the whole "Do things that make you look at your phone less," phenomenon. It was quite a success.

This isn't some bragging post about how we had the best day ever. This is a post about how yesterday was an odd array of what we all needed and realizing that is amazingly eye opening and awesome. 

Wednesday night I was fortunate enough to have a Mom's night out. We were home by 10PM-ish I think, but we had such a good night chatting and being away from kiddos. We have some local friends we have been spending a great deal of time with that we have an obscene amount in common with and it's just been such a calm, wonderful experience to find some people we can be ourselves with.  

As I've come into age and paid closer attention to the many different walks of life, I've noticed that it is few and far between to find social situations that are simple and easy. When I find them, I tend to completely lean into them because they deserve full attention and appreciation in my humble opinion.

Yesterday my husband was finally able to hang with friends of ours for more than an hour and we both went home, put the kid to bed, we were wonderfully exhausted and agreed they are the best people for us to be around currently, and just felt blessed.

We have had amazing holidays this past year filled with fun, but I think the company with this one, and being close to home and knowing we were in a welcome, non-judgmental, completely comfy space, made everything about the day wonderful.

I'm continuing to watch and appreciate how far my family has come. Don't get me wrong, things are far from perfect and we will continue to work and grow, but considering where we started just about a year ago, we have come leaps and bounds.

Yesterday we were all up at a reasonable time and had a slow, lazy morning. I was then able to take a seriously long bike ride and then a shower and nap during thunderstorms. The hubby kicked butt around the house and the kid was just being a kid. We then went to the pool and potluck at our friend's house and then hit downtown for fireworks. It was quite an adventure and I got to spend some time with 3 of my favorite girls, just us. 

I am completely exhausted today, but in the absolute best way I can think of with mostly low key plans this weekend. I'm pushing through the sleepiness with a grateful heart, great coffee and looming workouts. If I don't get around to a weekend post I hope everyone had a safe 4th and enjoys the holiday weekend!