If You Really Listen

So I've been in this deep musical mode and I'm hours away from digging out my entire collection to dive even deeper and I had this strange, personal, and likely embarrassing memory to blog about, of course. True to form, this was all sparked by the tunes. 

When I was 18 I had this insane crush on the wrong guy. He was awesome we were just not compatible. This was an incredible pattern in my youth. From the neighbor across the street who was super dreamy and he thought I was the most annoying girl ever (full disclosure, I was) (also my best friend is laughing reading this right now) to my best guy friend when I was 16 who was completely and utterly gay and not interested in anything about me being a woman, but we just kind of "got each" other, all the way to age 18 and this kid was a fixture in my early childhood that reemerged in my college years. Of course I thought this was meant to be.

Anyway, I could blog about him because man did I make an epic mess of that one, but the moral of THIS particular post is the fact that he and I went on many, many, many road trips together. Most often to visit his family, we had concentrated car time of 2.5 hours each way. Of course I had to know and like all the bands he did and subtly force my music at him as often as possible.

He was the WORST at reading me. I could be visibly pouting and he'd be oblivious. So one time we're getting ready to go on this drive and I do it, I make...THE PLAYLIST. This mix CD had all the songs on it about how I felt, and most of them by HIS favorite bands, total bonus, and it was carefully constructed so he would completely fall in love with me by the road trip's end and then happily ever after. It was the best plan ever and couldn't possibly fail, right?

This didn't even remotely work. He skipped the songs the meant the most and unveiled my true feelings for him and even fell asleep once or twice. Of course I just sang them along to myself with all the damned feels, pouring out my soul to essentially just myself. I can now laugh hysterically about my young, naive ways and how this was a total chick move, which of course epicly failed.

Anyone who knows the complete ME, knows that I take my music very seriously. I may not be addicted to clothes shopping and having new sheets with matching duvets, but I seriously almost took out a loan and cancelled all our family vacations this year to take me and my hubby to the last Warped Tour in California to be gross and uncomfortable for 3 days of raw, live music that would officially retire us from all punk rock persuasions. 

Ironically, I still make playlists, mix CDs and communicate like this. I think I do this in an attempt to be more heard, but sometimes you have to really listen, which can be tough for people. Honestly, the reactions to the songs or albums I pass along are everything to me and I note them carefully.

My best friend and I communicate almost solely through Hanson songs and remind each other of the ones we may have forgotten in trying times. My husband and I trade songs randomly just for fun, it could be old, it could be new or it could be weird ones we would have never thought one another could find. I could send around music to the point of becoming really annoying, so I usually just engulf myself in playlists.

When my long lost friend, previously blogged about, rekindled our friendship, I sent him a care package with something like 7 burned CD mixes introducing him to all my favorite bands and songs and then wrote descriptions about what the songs meant to me and then why I sent them his way. He's a good dude so he actually read and listened. He may still have them if a girlfriend didn't find them and trash them!

Whenever I'm going through, well anything, I find my way through it with music. So when I feel friendships or relationships strained, and definitely when I'm stressed and anxious, you'll find new or revamped playlists in my Spotify for me to get me through the day. Since I'm still very much in CD mode this just sparks ideas for "mix tapes" to burn and helps me revisit my version of classics of my thirty plus years as a music lover on this planet.

I make playlists for friends, family and situations that no one will ever hear, but often I will send a song or two as a way to say things I can't find my way to communicating properly otherwise. A couple years ago a friend and I had a "song off," where we traded favorite songs and notes on why they were awesome. It's a great way to learn new tunes and share feelings, no matter how subtle or strong.

I did this even further back and exchanged Spotify lists. I made mine in like 10 minutes and it was thoughtful and real and said everything about me. The returned one from my buddy was definitely a compilation of music that was enjoyable but not many of the songs had a message, or if they did it most likely wasn't the message that was actually being sung. Since then I've sent my buddy a few songs trying to convey some pretty rough feelings I'd been going through and the response was that it wasn't a favorite kind of music and couldn't get into it. I laughed on my drive home about that, because clearly it hadn't occurred that the song send was a way of indicating I wanted help outta my "funk."

If you REALLY listen to songs exchanged and shared, they say WORLDS about me, myself, and my situation. I know this isn't the case for everyone. For some people, music is just music. For me, music is where I go when I can't write or formulate the words and I feel it needs to be taken to the next level. 

I've actually always dreamt of being a music video producer or the person that selects songs for soundtracks and scenes in shows and movies. I think that music can change any dynamic quickly. Something sad could be changed into a more calm situation with the right song. I firmly believe that music is the soundtrack of my life.

If you really listen to what I choose to put on, or a song I send you, the messages can be multifaceted, even complicated depending on my mood. I take lyrics very seriously and Google them to no end to make sure I know what they are saying. Music can change meaning over the years, and in incredible ways. When I was 17 and listening to the Beatles, they were jaunty, catchy tunes. Then I saw "Across the Universe" and really started listening to their collection and they're crazy deep and insightful. 

The songs that I thought meant something different in my youth, have aged with me and now hit me in new ways. I love how timeless music is, no matter what medium you're listening to. I remember loving the Backstreet Boys because their songs were catchy and they were all over MTV and then when my parents got divorced my dad was explaining to me that most of those songs were about heartbreak and break ups and failed relationships. I had to really listen because the music videos just had dance moves to distract you from it being kind of depressing subject matter. 

I even always loved depressing music though, even when I was particularly happy. I love how music could just kick you right in the feels and make you succumb to all the emotions you may have been avoiding. I've cried at plenty of concerts and not in a fan girl way, but just because watching it all happen live can be intense and spiritual.

I'm also kind of a harsh critic. Now I'm not one to say what is better or best or that certain music "sucks," but for me it is all about substance. I knew I was getting old when I heard Rihanna's song "Work" and thought, "Well this is just noise. What is she even saying?"

I know why songs get popular and hit Billboard, but I also know that some artists are really saying things and conveying things to their fans, while others are just in it for the showmanship. For me it is all about THE MESSAGE. I try to really listen, because if you really listen, a whole new musical world can open up before you.

If I ever send you a song, you should know that I have something to convey with it. I'm your go to person for when you're having a bad day, I'll find the song to illustrate what you're going through. I believe that music is a huge part of healing. Music makes me a better person and I actually get depressed if I don't listen to it enough. 

We have songs for when we are happy, sad, mad, in love, in a break-up, confused, and so on and so forth. Some songs are just silly and catchy and some will stop you in your tracks and change the face of your day, or even your life:

Natalie Portman was right, by the way, that one song did actually change my life. Not only is Garden State in my top 5 all time soundtracks, but because of this movie and this scene, I'm a hardcore Shins fan. One day I hope to get my favorite quote from that song, "New Slang," tattooed on me someday.

  

So here I am typing and I'm listening to this playlist I made for today as I'm sifting through mental closure of unresponsiveness and moving on from old versions of myself while growing into new places and phases. Each song is on there saying something specific. Some lyrics are meant to be heard and understood verbatim, some are more metaphoric, and some of just the ideas and melodies of general feels and emotions racing through me.

Sometimes I make playlists and think about if you really listened to them on a chilly evening by a fire pit and curled up to talk about why they are the best, how transforming it could be, knowing full well those nights are super rare. Call me a hippie but all of my best Oregon associations with smoking weed were mostly around listening to albums and hippie dancing to them. 

I truly believe, wholeheartedly that there is a soundtrack to accompany everything in life. It could be a road trip, a weekend getaway, a rough conversation, a family event, a life change, or just a bike ride. There are songs that take you away within every situation to where you should be. 

So, if you REALLY listen to music, and if you REALLY listen when someone shares a song or album with you, you can learn an immense amount about anything from what they are personally going through, to what their taste in music is, to what they want to say to you but maybe lack the best way to do it. This isn't to say that if you get sent a love song that the sender is actually in love with you but it's a great conversation starter, regardless.

It's my advice that you REALLY listen, and if you do, drink it in, pay attention and get into that groove!

The CD Case

I had to borrow my husband's beater car or "hoopdee" as I like to call it, when he took my car in for servicing last week. He has an old Lexus he bought off of a friend. It runs, but as my daughter so lovingly claims, "It smells like fart." It's definitely "worn in." The hoopdee happens to have a  6 CD changer and when we have to swap, not only does he clean it, but he'll put in certain CDs that I might like.

He was sneaky and put in some of my obsession ones. He put in mixes I made him way before living together, let alone before marriage, kid and this life we are living now. He put in some of my most favorite bands. How dare he!

When I got to listen to my favorite CDs I remembered just how much I love putting in a disc and listening to it in it's entirety. I forgot how nice it is to replay a song if it hits a mood or to skip one that might take you back to a moment you don't want to re-live. It was a luxury in some strange way.

We live in a bluetooth, hands free, Pandora Music, Spotify, SoundCloud, and iTunes world. It seems some of the simple things in life have gotten lost fast. After the car swap, I grabbed my big ass CD case, and I put in some legit discs on in my car. Most new cars don't even come with CD players anymore. I think that kinda sucks, because at the end of the day, maybe bluetooth won't connect or your phone isn't working, and you just wanna listen to that old favorite CD. What a shame that they are diminishing that technology. Hell, I still listen to a record player weekly!

We have an upcoming road trip and I demanded, only CDs be happening as our soundtrack from state to state. I've been listening to only CDs since my car was serviced and not only did I forget about some great songs or mixes, but I had forgotten how many CDs I actually have, and this is only one case out of many.

The memories that come from these discs are intense, and awesome all at the same time:

I found an old Modest Mouse CD. Most people know this song pictured above. When this song came on I remembered listening to it in my Toyota Echo, my first car, and crying while shoving cookies in my mouth driving home from my first real break-up. I was 18, he was 22 and he attempted to make off with my car, my laptop but successfully made off with a bunch of my cash and definitely some dignity. He wasn't the best dude. I found out he was addicted to pills among having many other issues. It wasn't love but it still hurt. I later found apology letters in my trunk, written to his entire household, roommates and all, and nothing written for me. 

When that came on it morphed me from my normal commute home to being back on the winding Oregon 1-5 roads, wanting to be home in my apartment to pick up the pieces. It was weird how many memories just engulfed me around popping in that disc and listening to that song with the windows down.

This morning I busted out some Ben Folds Five, which is different from Ben Folds by the way.

My Ben Folds obsession started when I spent most of the summer before my senior year with my sister, and my brother in law had his older CDs. Ben Folds went solo and I listened to "Rocking The Suburbs" on bus rides and car rides between Portland and Eugene, or trips back to Florida on repeat. When he came to Portland when I was 17, I made my dad buy me a ticket and drop me off to see him live. I could still remember singing these songs loudly at the concerts and listening to them until I was sick of them. I still make a point of seeing him live whenever he comes to town.

Even in CD case picture here. That one above that says "sports conditioning" is from my days of training to be a Step Instructor at the YMCA. You just never know what you'll find, and the memories that come from it, are the best.

My music has always followed me and I feel grateful to have physical discs, although some are scratched and don't play very well. I love Spotify because you can make mixes but if you want to hear that ONE song on repeat? You're out of luck. My iPod died long ago, which was the next best thing, but now with Pandora and Spotify you're supposed to get the feel that iPods and CDs are obsolete. I disagree.

With my current CD case revisit,  I feel like the new technologies make us miss out in actuality. Some CDs are actually made to be listened to in order. Some artists order them as they wish for specific reasons. While shuffle is a good thing from time to time, some musical masterpieces are put together in the way they are meant to be heard. You cannot listen to The Decemberists "The Hazards of Love" on shuffle or it loses the storytelling. 

I stopped listening to Pandora years ago because I really hated that Pandora decided that when I wanted to listen to Taylor Swift, that meant then I had to listen to Rascall Flats and Florida Georgia Line and whatever. Pandora decided that if I wanted to listen to 80's, that I enjoyed solely 80's hair metal. I also don't like the idea of paying for anything that's essentially just a new kind of radio. Radio is free!

I love the 97X alternative Tampa radio station but they play the same 8 songs every hour and then randomly intersperse other "oldies" within them. I really like Billie Eilish but not 16 times a day, just the same one or two songs. At least with the CD I could skip the popular ones, right?

My recurring issue with Spotify is, they play the same songs in rotation if you listen too much and they only play 30 minutes in a row of music at best. You could listen all day and you can't go more than 30 minutes without an ad. Ads don't bother me so much but every so often when you have a long run or car ride, you don't want to be fiddling with your phone to get uninterrupted minutes. I don't pay for the service because, why not just by the CDs if I want to listen on repeat? 

See, I don't pay for music services because I'd rather spend that money to buy a CD or go to a concert. I don't want to pay Spotify $8 a month to suggest music I should like just because I put some Maroon 5 on a workout list. I want to pay the ARTISTS who make my beloved music as a thank you in more ways than one, so I'd rather just have a disc or go watch them live. Plus physically owning the music is different than renting it from Spotify, regardless.

Going through my CD case has been a memory-filled journey. You realize forgot about "that band," or "that one song," and everything comes back. I have a photographic memory so I used to know the order of my CD case and know if someone took one of my CDs, especially without me asking. I remember being so annoyed if they came back scratched or destroyed. I remember hours combing used CD stores trying to find the bands I needed or wanted because I had to have the entire collected works. 

For me, music is the key to about 90% of my memories. I could remember a moment, or an entire event based around a song and then it opens those floodgates and away we go! Sometimes it brings up painful memories, I can't lie, but some of them are necessary, and still good in my humble opinion.

As much as I love making playlist after playlist, from time to time just popping in that disc and listening to the full album is it's own kind of magic. I have soundtracks and burned mixes and full albums, EPs and so on and so forth.

I plan on getting hubby to dig out the lot and to fully engulf myself in my discs for the rest of the year, why? Well, this year has been healing and filled with all manners of growth but sometimes it helps to rekindle some old parts of yourself in the process. See, music has always been my safe space. I got caught up in Spotify this year, just making playlists about sad stuff or missing old friends, and with my CD cases every musical mood can shift at my will, with a quick disc change. I still use Spotify for my daughter's kiddo playlist and also for my workouts, but overall, I really want to get back into my CDs. 

It's funny to me how it all fell together, when I think about it. It's funny how I just opened that CD case and dove in. I quickly found a comfort I had forgotten. Sometimes when we are in the middle of transforming and growing, we need some roots revisited. For me, that's my CD case. For me, my music gets to the deepest of depths. My music is and will always be part of my process for anything. It will also always be blog-worthy!

Concert Consciousness

I had the great pleasure this week of going to see one of my favorite musicians, Jenny Lewis, live at a small theater in Orlando. I had been lucky enough to see Jenny Lewis 12 years ago when she was in the amazing band, Rilo Kiley. Since then, I have not had the real chance to see her live again. There were always obstacles and financial reasons as to not make the show. Nothing stopped us this time.

Because of my excitement I asked my husband to find my old Rilo Kiley shirt. If you didn't know 19 year old Alison very well, you may be surprised at the fact that I have always been a concert-goer, and back in the day was nothing short of an avid concert-goer. I am obsessed with certain avenues of live music.

My first concert when I was 11 or 12 was Billy Joel at some concert hall at a local university. I knew very well plenty about Billy Joel to know that I was damn lucky to see him live in a small space. Sitting in a cold concert hall to watch seemed a little stuffy but regardless, I was happy to have the experience. My second concert was when I was 13, Hanson, at HersheyPark Arena I believe. I didn't like how huge it was, there was no room to move and the speakers drowned out everything with just noise and over-blown effects rather than the music.

When I was 17 or 18 a friend's mom took us to see NSYNC in their prime. We had nosebleed arena seats for an arena in Ft. Lauderdale I think. I knew I was so lucky to go but I remember when it was encore time my friend's mom was like "You have to clap to make them come back out!: My friend said, "Mom the encore is part of the show, whether they like it or not, clapping won't change that." Her mom did the classic "back in my day the encore meant something," story and it made me laugh but I've taken smaller show encores seriously since.

When I was 18 and living in the Pacific Northwest we were in indie-concert heaven. So many bands passed through the university towns of every genre and so many played the small clubs. I was completely obsessed with all things music. The closest to a "spiritual" experience I've ever had, has been in a live music venue. Music has been there for me on my darkest days, same as when I'm in a great mood. Music is my life.

I say that not in the sense that I'm any kind of musician. I just say that I couldn't live without it. When I was able to see Jenny Lewis live, close up and dance and sing and fall deeper in love with everything about her, it made me think of how many concerts I've been to. I've lost count.

The concert t-shirt situation will be a blog on it's own. I plan to count and record the findings this weekend. My husband was giving me a hard time about all the shirts and I said, "That was my thing; you could lose a ticket stub but a shirt I could and would wear forever, although some are inappropriate now."

I started going through them and remembered where I got them from, what show, when and how. It was better than a photo album. Some of my strongest, and best memories are around concerts. Some of my now favorite songs, or revisited songs I'd forgotten, I was lucky enough to see live, forever changing me. I've seen songs performed live that I disliked on an album. I've seen songs live that I didn't understand until the artist gave commentary on it. I've disliked some songs live that are my favorite on an album. Each concert was a journey, an adventure and a conscious experience.

It may be safe to say you can't actually know me on a deep level until you've seen me around live music of my own favorite musicians. My best friend and I are deeply rooted around the music of Hanson. I've made unlikely friends in the presence of Death Cab for Cutie, Rilo Kiley and Cake. Seeing performances live is where all my money went, pre-motherhood. Now I'm much more selective.

This past show was something of a new kind of concert adventure. In my twenties you would drive 2 hours to a venue, get tipsy up until you could sneak into the opener, then continue to drink to party through the show, then switch to water halfway through the headlining show, drive home, sleep until the last minute you could and rally back into whatever you had going the next day. For this part of my 30's, we caffeinated on the way, had a small dinner, small water, were fighting the sleepies before the show started, and then got a cookie and sugar rush for the drive home, completely sober and awake, crashing out at 1AM and up by 6:30AM for work and school and life. My mom watched my daughter and said, "How can you go to work after that?" I said, "It's not like I'm drinking. I may be sleepy but there won't be a hangover like 10 years ago!"

Yesterday, after just reliving what an epic set list from Wednesday night and thinking about all the concert shirts in the garage I just realized what kind of consciousness I have in the presence of live music. I have a rule that you have to listen to the band you're about to see the entire drive to the venue and possibly on the return trip as well. Some people think this is excessive. I disagree.

In this day and age you feel like you have to record and Instagram everything but I remind myself to put the phone down and live in the moment. You are never going to have that exact moment or experience again so drink it in.

My consciousness at a concert is like nothing else. I just wanna live there in that place as long as I can. I'm not worried about paying bills, waking up on time, laundry and dishes. I'm in that song, I'm in that moment just watching the music unfold before me.

I often joke that I was born in the wrong era. I believe I may be an old soul that previously was alive and attended Woodstock and Led Zeppelin shows, overdosing by 18 and then reincarnating to come back in the 80's to be this Alison. I love music the most!

Concerts are something I love to share with people too and I don't take it lightly. You have to be able to go, stand, dance and enjoy without messing it up for me or no thank you. My goal is to enjoy every song, whether I know it by heart or not and enjoy the company of whomever goes with me. So, if I've never asked you to go with me, that tells you everything...in a way LOL.

In my early twenties it was my mission for my dad and I to attend as many concerts as possible of the musicians he raised me on and then drag him to a few shows of "my bands," he could tolerate. I took him to see Lyle Lovett, Mary Chapin Carpenter, Neil Diamond, Jethro Tull, and most notably, Mark Knopfler, among others for us to truly enjoy together. These are my collections and memories and I will keep them, and possibly my t-shirts forever.

Concerts are my favorite way to spend my time. I love going to events instead of buying stuff. If it came down to "new bedspread" or "Tickets to see Cake," Cake will win every time. Concerts are my thing and I hope to keep that going to inevitably force my daughter to love them as well. Now back to updating my Spotify list!

"Instincts Are Misleading, You Shouldn't Think What You're Feeling"

This post is going to be filled with all the quotes; you've been warned. So yesterday I woke up feeling "down a peg," and used the rain as an excuse to miss my kickboxing but still rallied at lunch on the elliptical. I'm still in heavy vacation recovery zone and yesterday I had to do a random project for my boss. Therefore, the blog post yesterday got lost in the shuffle, and I think that could be said about myself too.

Yesterday I did a classic "chick" move and text someone that had fallen off the grid and I did my whole "check in" thing. I knew I should have just let things succumb to the fade, but I am who I am. Is that a Popeye thing? Now this isn't a post about a fight or a blow out or even some kind of half closure. This is just about following your instincts and feeling some harsh realities.

To be clear this isn't a bad person or harmful person I reached out to, but rather someone who knew me during a rough phase in my life and that maintains only that perception and understanding of me. There is no knowledge of my personal work and growth and out of insecurity I sent that text almost looking for an opportunity to say, "But I'm getting better."

That opportunity didn't happen because, and just as I had suspected, just as my gut warned me, the conversation was directed to their recent break up and moving on to bigger and better conquests. In that moment I was reverted back to where I was two years ago with them, grasping to keep this kind of attention because it was all the attention I got. Yesterday, it just made me uncomfortable. In addition to that, the conversation was very much left hanging, no sense of closure or a reciprocated "Talk to you in a few weeks."

I then went through my normal anxious routine of "I told you so," "You knew this would happen," "You should have never checked in," "why do I even bother?", "I don't wanna deal with this," etc, etc.

True to form I then became irrationally angry that I was left hanging: "What you're too busy to say 'Talk to you later?'" "You're too good to take a moment to like, close a conversation or give some reassurance in this situation?" "If I can make time to message you, you should be able to respond!?"

Following the above came the rationalizations and inner self-soothing dialogue. And don't even act like you don't do this yourself because we all do! I started thinking to myself, "Well it was mentioned that things were overwhelming with the break up so just give it some time." "You put all that good energy out there and you can't FORCE a response, REMEMBER?" "They always come back, especially when you're not in a good enough space to hold your mental ground and navigate their stuff so, just keep that in mind." "It is what it is." "It really just is what it is, so just breathe and let it go."

Now this one fall back might be specific to just me but I usually "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" this stuff. There are usually a handful of people that I struggle with keeping afloat that I just wish I could forget about, in a non-mean way, but like they'd been erased and I could just no longer care. I just wish I could pluck them from my brain and every day existence. 

It was with prayers about my anxiety and a good workout at 9Rounds complete with punching things, getting out some aggression that I kind of reminded myself that I can "do no harm, but take no shit." I had to build myself back up into the idea that, it's not about me nor is it my fault that texts weren't returned, conversations weren't closed and that the whole exchange was uncomfortable. I mean I own my feelings of discomfort as, my just not being mentally prepared for the deluge of info and for not realizing the effect of it on me. However, regardless of how the exchange was left, I still can't control another person's opinion of me.

In an even more awakening light, I was listening to the Dax Shepard ArmChair Expert Podcast with Busy Phillips and he said something so right on I actually wrote it down on my work scribble pad. He said, "It's too uncomfortable to think they might now not like you so people stay half in a relationship still being there for them...I can't live with the notion that this person I like now hates me, but sometimes through your actions and other things that's just a part of living on planet earth."

That hit me like a stroke of lightning and happened just after this morning that all I could picture was that scene in The Office where Pam was going to see Karen for the first time after the break-up with Jim that subsequently got Pam and Jim together. Pam said, "I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I hate even thinking that al-Qaeda hates me. I think if they got to know me, they wouldn't hate me."

I kept replaying that scene in my mind mulling over the exchange and then came into work and popped on my morning podcast only hear that exact part of the ArmChair Expert interview clearly. It was something of kismet and started all good things in my mind. When I went to write the title to this post, after listening to a lot of The Cranberries this morning, all I could hear was one of my favorite Death Cab for Cutie songs, "Lightness," and there is a kind of bridge that sings, "Oh instincts are misleading, you shouldn't think what you're feeling. They don't tell you what, you know you should want."

It made me grateful that I was open enough to connect the dots instead of putting myself into some mental frenzy of insecurity and invalidation. It gave me affirmation that, sure I may have had a mis-step or emotional relapse of some kind but I'm also ridiculously human. 

All of the quotes ring true to me, my anxiety and my relationships of all kinds. I spent the morning making a playlist on Spotify dubbed, "Care Less," with all kinds of songs designed to fuel my whole, "let it go," "it is what it is," and "let it be" cliche mantras to get me through the weird funk I'm now lifting myself out of only a tad hazily.

Ironically I'm not really embarrassed to admit or write about any of this. Why? Because we've all had this happen. It could have happened when you were 14 or just yesterday. We have these anxious exchanges with friends, ex-friends, ex-boyfriends, ex-girlfriends, old family members we don't stay in touch with that leave us feeling inferior, unappreciated or less than. It could be a product of a bad day, or a mental health slump, or it could just be those sticky insecurities tripping us up. It could be many people, many things, many reasons, but guess what? It has hit us all at one time or another.

I used to journal about stuff like this and write weird narratives about it or some beatnik poem. This time I'm just openly like "Yeah, I was THAT chick yesterday." Perhaps the bravery comes from the likelihood of the secondary party actually reading this being about the same as the chance I have of winning the lottery, but it is out here for ALL readers and interested parties so, "Que será, será."

For those of you who haven't had much experience with this, thanks for the reading time but remember that as "just a part of living on planet earth," odds are you'll reach this point one day and may my awkwardness guide you on your quest navigating weird relationship things.