"Instincts Are Misleading, You Shouldn't Think What You're Feeling"

This post is going to be filled with all the quotes; you've been warned. So yesterday I woke up feeling "down a peg," and used the rain as an excuse to miss my kickboxing but still rallied at lunch on the elliptical. I'm still in heavy vacation recovery zone and yesterday I had to do a random project for my boss. Therefore, the blog post yesterday got lost in the shuffle, and I think that could be said about myself too.

Yesterday I did a classic "chick" move and text someone that had fallen off the grid and I did my whole "check in" thing. I knew I should have just let things succumb to the fade, but I am who I am. Is that a Popeye thing? Now this isn't a post about a fight or a blow out or even some kind of half closure. This is just about following your instincts and feeling some harsh realities.

To be clear this isn't a bad person or harmful person I reached out to, but rather someone who knew me during a rough phase in my life and that maintains only that perception and understanding of me. There is no knowledge of my personal work and growth and out of insecurity I sent that text almost looking for an opportunity to say, "But I'm getting better."

That opportunity didn't happen because, and just as I had suspected, just as my gut warned me, the conversation was directed to their recent break up and moving on to bigger and better conquests. In that moment I was reverted back to where I was two years ago with them, grasping to keep this kind of attention because it was all the attention I got. Yesterday, it just made me uncomfortable. In addition to that, the conversation was very much left hanging, no sense of closure or a reciprocated "Talk to you in a few weeks."

I then went through my normal anxious routine of "I told you so," "You knew this would happen," "You should have never checked in," "why do I even bother?", "I don't wanna deal with this," etc, etc.

True to form I then became irrationally angry that I was left hanging: "What you're too busy to say 'Talk to you later?'" "You're too good to take a moment to like, close a conversation or give some reassurance in this situation?" "If I can make time to message you, you should be able to respond!?"

Following the above came the rationalizations and inner self-soothing dialogue. And don't even act like you don't do this yourself because we all do! I started thinking to myself, "Well it was mentioned that things were overwhelming with the break up so just give it some time." "You put all that good energy out there and you can't FORCE a response, REMEMBER?" "They always come back, especially when you're not in a good enough space to hold your mental ground and navigate their stuff so, just keep that in mind." "It is what it is." "It really just is what it is, so just breathe and let it go."

Now this one fall back might be specific to just me but I usually "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" this stuff. There are usually a handful of people that I struggle with keeping afloat that I just wish I could forget about, in a non-mean way, but like they'd been erased and I could just no longer care. I just wish I could pluck them from my brain and every day existence. 

It was with prayers about my anxiety and a good workout at 9Rounds complete with punching things, getting out some aggression that I kind of reminded myself that I can "do no harm, but take no shit." I had to build myself back up into the idea that, it's not about me nor is it my fault that texts weren't returned, conversations weren't closed and that the whole exchange was uncomfortable. I mean I own my feelings of discomfort as, my just not being mentally prepared for the deluge of info and for not realizing the effect of it on me. However, regardless of how the exchange was left, I still can't control another person's opinion of me.

In an even more awakening light, I was listening to the Dax Shepard ArmChair Expert Podcast with Busy Phillips and he said something so right on I actually wrote it down on my work scribble pad. He said, "It's too uncomfortable to think they might now not like you so people stay half in a relationship still being there for them...I can't live with the notion that this person I like now hates me, but sometimes through your actions and other things that's just a part of living on planet earth."

That hit me like a stroke of lightning and happened just after this morning that all I could picture was that scene in The Office where Pam was going to see Karen for the first time after the break-up with Jim that subsequently got Pam and Jim together. Pam said, "I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I hate even thinking that al-Qaeda hates me. I think if they got to know me, they wouldn't hate me."

I kept replaying that scene in my mind mulling over the exchange and then came into work and popped on my morning podcast only hear that exact part of the ArmChair Expert interview clearly. It was something of kismet and started all good things in my mind. When I went to write the title to this post, after listening to a lot of The Cranberries this morning, all I could hear was one of my favorite Death Cab for Cutie songs, "Lightness," and there is a kind of bridge that sings, "Oh instincts are misleading, you shouldn't think what you're feeling. They don't tell you what, you know you should want."

It made me grateful that I was open enough to connect the dots instead of putting myself into some mental frenzy of insecurity and invalidation. It gave me affirmation that, sure I may have had a mis-step or emotional relapse of some kind but I'm also ridiculously human. 

All of the quotes ring true to me, my anxiety and my relationships of all kinds. I spent the morning making a playlist on Spotify dubbed, "Care Less," with all kinds of songs designed to fuel my whole, "let it go," "it is what it is," and "let it be" cliche mantras to get me through the weird funk I'm now lifting myself out of only a tad hazily.

Ironically I'm not really embarrassed to admit or write about any of this. Why? Because we've all had this happen. It could have happened when you were 14 or just yesterday. We have these anxious exchanges with friends, ex-friends, ex-boyfriends, ex-girlfriends, old family members we don't stay in touch with that leave us feeling inferior, unappreciated or less than. It could be a product of a bad day, or a mental health slump, or it could just be those sticky insecurities tripping us up. It could be many people, many things, many reasons, but guess what? It has hit us all at one time or another.

I used to journal about stuff like this and write weird narratives about it or some beatnik poem. This time I'm just openly like "Yeah, I was THAT chick yesterday." Perhaps the bravery comes from the likelihood of the secondary party actually reading this being about the same as the chance I have of winning the lottery, but it is out here for ALL readers and interested parties so, "Que será, será."

For those of you who haven't had much experience with this, thanks for the reading time but remember that as "just a part of living on planet earth," odds are you'll reach this point one day and may my awkwardness guide you on your quest navigating weird relationship things.  

Sobering Up, Growing Up, Leveling Up

I confess that I have done what most people do and spent time "numbing" the bad stuff. As a child of addiction I have never taken western medicine that wasn't prescribed, and if I've ever done so in excess, it messes with me hard core. I have loved wine for a long time, and never shy away from a good cocktail, and I'm usually one to try craft beers.

Who doesn't like a little buzz, right? For me it has always been the social aspect and the gathering routine. This weekend I didn't even drink in excess, but let me tell you, I'm kind of feeling a break up pending with alcohol. 

I'm about 90% sure I'm not an alcoholic, but I understand the inclination. I have had drinks to get drunk, I have had excessive amounts of drinks and I have had drama, fights and bad choice made under the influence. I'm not one for hangovers, to me they are a waste of a day, but I've had many and they are totally not worth it.

Funny how much is weighed in worth as you grow up. If something is worth your time, stress, effort and money even. To me, nothing is worth compromising my sleep. And guess what? I'm at that age where alcohol messes with my sleep too much. So it might be time to kick it out.

We haven't kept alcohol in our home for about 9 months or so. For me, it doesn't occur to me to make an extra trip to get it, or that it would be necessary to keep, so I don't really want it, if I don't have it around. If you give me a bottle of wine as a gift though, it's right out on the counter ready to be had with dinner.

Sobriety is a huge, huge thing in my world right now and I'm realizing just how much alcohol plays a regular part in most of aspects life, like it or not. Up until now I would drink in purely social situations and mostly on a night out with friends, but this weekend I had fun, and I just felt sleepy and down a peg the day after and I just feel like it was a total waste of energy after all is said and done.

This isn't some diatribe about quitting drinking forever and working the steps, but the "partying" aspect is officially off the table. I love socializing with food and wine or cocktails. I really do. On a "crazy" night, I'll have about 3 drinks in the span of 4 to 5 hours with lots and lots of water and definitely with food. That's as far as I go, if that, depending on the evening. However, the lagging sleepy feeling and the "faux" rest that I get post-indulgence is a huge a turn off.

If anything gets in my way of being productive and getting a good night's rest, it's out. My daughter often wants to sleep with me, but kicks the crap out of me, so her invading my space is only on a special occasion. If my husband snores too much, I hit the couch or make him sleep in the guest bedroom. If the dog won't settle down, I kick him out too. Zero tolerance.

I've closely reflected on what alcohol does to me, and others close to me, and especially with sober eyes, it's kind of intense. We all love a drunken adventure or drunken story. We all love a good laugh at the expense of a drunken idiot, right? Alcohol is always glamorized and romanticized. It's legal, easy to get and something all the cool kids do, right?

Well, I've grown into the realization that not only are all of those assumptions wrong, they are complete and utter bullshit. I've watched alcohol tear people down and completely apart. I've watched it destroy bodies, minds and lives. I've also watched people sober up, triumph and appreciate life more, without numbing agents.

Part of what I love about Dax Shepard's podcast, ArmChair Expert, is how much he talks about his addiction, his sobriety and his journey. It's so amazing and empowering to hear. So much of it is enlightening to my walk, my path, and my current journey, especially in my family.

I've had deep, important conversations with my best friends and immediate family about when the party "stops," so to speak. At a certain age, the drunk thing isn't really cute. It's kind of just humiliating. And as I've written about recently in excess, I'm not one who enjoys or endures humiliation well.

I woke up again feeling bloated and flabby, and dragged myself to the gym to sweat out the weekend. My leggings are not friendly today and I really want to order a burlap sack to rock the rest of the week and crawl into bed for a 6 hour nap. I realized that, I like the ritual of the alcohol more than I like the actual alcohol, and I think this "sobering thought" could take me to new places.

I have spent many years very closely watching myself, because when you grow up with an addict it's like a free lesson of "I don't want to ever do that and I never will." But most recently, I've looked back at some dark times and wished I'd treated myself and my world better. 

Not only do I want to get more into shape, but I mentally want to keep kicking ass because as I posted on my Instagram this morning, you start to heal the moment you feel heard. I finally feel heard, and feel seen and I'm done being afraid of either. I'm open-armed and very awake, even when I'm tired.

I just realized that for me, I'm a person who can enjoy a champagne toast or celebratory beer or glass of wine, but that's where it ends. More and more, if my sleep gets off it's rhythm, I'm unhinged and I need rest to be a nice, considerate, not horrible person. I don't need to drink weekly or monthly or for any real occasion. I actually don't need to drink at all. I'm just a person who isn't meant for party life. I've always failed at my attempts to be that girl.

I've pushed through, I've acted foolishly, I've sacrificed my health and well being to be that party person but "It Ain't Me, Babe." And what's more? I'm totally OKAY with that not being me. Don't get me wrong, if you have a new beer that is a must try, I will partake. If you buy a $1,000.00 bottle of wine, I wanna try that because what does $1,000.00 wine even taste like!? Although, I'd much rather have wonderful food. At the end of the day, the cake won't give me the hangover but the 4 mimosas will. Boundaries. Balance.

So, sobering up sounds like the best thing ever and I hate that it gets a bad wrap, especially when it comes to drug usage. Growing up has it's sucky moments but I happen to like that I'm coming to these conclusions and staying awake. Leveling up in life should be just as exhilarating as it was in Mario. Yes, more Mario references, get used to it.

I've made huge mistakes. I'm human. I've made horrible choices. I'm still human. I've partied hard and suffered the consequences, which sometimes was the hangover alone, other times just drunk-induced conflict and so on. Yup, still human. The other day a co-worker was audibly listening to sermons on her computer with her speakers on loud. I put in my headphones to drown it out. I dislike being preached "at." Everyone has a right to their beliefs and inviting others to hear about them is great; I dislike it being thrust upon me without a choice. Regardless, the snippet I heard was horrifying. This guy was talking about your sins being spiritual debt you can't really pay back. Like you can't repay the debt of your sins, and we carry around spiritual debt like we do credit card debt and school loans. That was a bad and disturbing analogy to me.

I think we most certainly can repay and repair our debts with growing up and leveling up, in all aspects of life. Every day is a new chance. Not everyone needs sobriety, and I don't judge. I mean Jesus did turn water into wine, so yeah -- that was a sarcastic joke by the way. I think we do our very best in our circumstances and at OUR OWN INDIVIDUAL PACE. I don't think it's fair to make sin out to be a form of "debt." I think we all just need to find our growth and our levels when we can, and keep kicking ass and taking names in all the small victories. Because, after all, we are all human...except Mario. 

The Vomit Draft

I'm sitting here listening to Dax Shepard interview Mike Schur on my ArmChair Expert podcast, and for those of you who don't pay attention to sitcom writers, Mike Schur did a lot of work on the American adaptation of The Office, he did Parks and Recreation and now has brought us my new obsession, The Good Place. They are talking about all kinds of things but I was very attentive as they started to talk about writing.

As a serious fan of these shows, meaning, I can quote the Office like Friends, Parks and Rec is just becoming more and more my default binge-watch, and The Good Place is just so frigging awesome, it's pretty interesting to hear Mike Schur talk about the writing process and how he operates. Dax Shepard brought up something that totally just blew me away, saying that he allows himself to just write terribly from time to time, and to just know that sometimes things will come out horrible and be utter garbage. He accepts this and allows it.

Mike Schur called this "The Vomit Draft." It is named so as something that is just proverbially "puked out," with yuck results but is stuff that you need to get out of you to be able to better write the next draft and the next draft. It seriously got the wheels turning in Anxious Alison's mind.

Dax Shepard also mentioned that if you sit down and think you're going to just write Shakespearean on the first try, you'll probably fail miserably because that's not a realistic expectation or even fair goal. But to allow yourself to have some crap amidst the good is much better.

I'm not sure if I proclaim myself as a "writer" really, as more of a ridiculous blogging enthusiast with some followers. I'd love to be paid to be a writer. Especially if I can write cutting edge things about why the Office is awesome and Parks and Rec is epic as well. I'm not sure I can hob nob with the "writing" elite just yes.

I'd love to have the time and creative space to write a book but, I'm not so sure that's realistic, let alone to be anything like Shakespeare goals. I think that blogging daily is the closest I've gotten in years to getting my writing done in a productive way and I'm pretty sure that Haiku, which was barely a Haiku was a "vomit draft."

The whole thing was fascinating to me. We put these ideals on people and imagine that writing just pours out into liquid gold. We assume that all of the writers of the shows we love have it all figured out and everything is a perfect puzzle. We forget that, they too, have to wade through the crap, er uh, vomit if you will.

Some days I can write these raw, fun, amazing pieces of myself and people read and say "Yay!" Other days I struggle to find something that's not vomit. It's kind of comforting to know that the writers that I admire have the same kind of days.

I also kind of love that it is well known as "The Vomit Draft," apparently. To me this is hilarious. As a mom, you get used to gross things fast, like poop, pee and puke. Ironically my husband has a Vince Vaughn in Four Christmases-like approach,

 

and he just immediately heaves and needs to get himself away. For me, I'll be covered in puke and still comforting the kid. Moms, and I guess writers can handle the vomit. My husband is very much akin to Alec Baldwin in 30 Rock:

I think creativity is rough, regardless, and there will always be someone who can do it better. I once tried to make a wreath at a Halloween thing my crafty mom friend threw, it was better as a centerpiece and could easily be posted as a Pinterest fail. I got to play with a hot glue gun though, so that was fun, but my friend made the wreath perfectly, and 3 other wreaths perfectly so, yeah, she has that part down. There will always be someone who does it differently, and with better results.

I can probably write more easily than others, though, and definitely better than a few. Essays, reviews, summaries and such come so naturally to me. So, everyone has their thing and for me, it's much more writing than anything else, even amidst the "vomit drafts."

Mostly the writing discussion on the podcast made me feel even more affirmation in my Podcasting choices and obsession, but also in my writing. In recent discoveries and acknowledgement of my growth, it seems as though some of these routines have been super fruitful and helpful in different areas of life and I'm embracing that success. Win!

On this particular Tuesday, where I am tired and emotionally a little done, I feel triumphant in knowing I'm doing okay even when I "vomit draft" a haiku or weekend post that is lackluster. For those of you faithful readers that endure it, just know it is part of everyone's writing process; I'm letting you in on my musings, good and bad! 

Progress In Podcasting

So it was April 8th I decided to join the rest of the free world in the podcasting phenomenon. I would say that my top one is still, "How Did This Get Made," but more often I listen to Dax Shepard's ArmChair Expert. The reason for this came to me yesterday in an Instagram discussion yesterday.

Social Media definitely has it's pros and cons. As a Game of Throne fan, social media is a dangerous place to be for spoiler alerts. As an anxious human, the rabbit holes on social media, are the stuff of Alice In Wonderland down a long and windy shoot to the little door. I'm the one who always ends up crying until I'm minimized to the jar that floats me away.

Facebook and I have been like those roommates that went to separate new places and now are trying to figure out if they can stay amicable. I feel like after any Facebook interaction, outside of memories or quippy memes, I end up irritated. But my heart lies with Instagram forever.

Why Instagram? I love following celebrities. One of my favorites that I follow happens to be the wife of Dax Shepherd, Kristen Bell. From her personal stories of parenthood, marriage and parent fails to just how endearing she is, it's hard not to be entertained. But I also love how...inherently "regular" these celebrities can be.

I follow many celebrities and musicians and love seeing updates and teasers of their work, when they post family pictures, jokes, fan art things and stories of their lives. Jenna Fischer documents her obsession and struggle with making homemade bread from scratch. Tom Hanks posts random pictures of gloves, shoes and such lost in New York on sidewalks and streets. And it's their accounts so they are posting these things. What a cool way to feel connected and find commonality.

Besides that, I love that it's picture based. It could be a quote or just a snapshot of cute puppies, but pictures are nice. Much better than status updates that are complaining and bitter, in my humble opinion. The stories and videos are fantastic as well. Maybe I'm going through withdrawals.

In my podcasting time, I have felt that connection with celebrities though, and it's refreshing. Dax Shepard gets his guests to talk about any range of subjects from acting to marriage, parenting, embarrassing stories and their career journeys. It's very humbling to hear some of these stories.

I loved his interaction with his wife when she was on. Seth Green was another amazing guest. He had David Sedaris on, which made my heart happy. Other favorite guests of mine include Johnny Knoxville, Mila Kunis, Kathryn Hahn, and Mae Whitman, and I'm still catching up!

Part of the fun is following the ArmChair Expert Instagram feed, Dax Shepard's Instagram feed, and those of the interviewees that I like. Because then you get further insight and a view to their world.

I have a friend that is on Facebook, but not Instagram and I keep encouraging her to make the switch because, although I'm on a social media hiatus, I feel like I do worlds better just engaging with Instagram, than I ever did being engulfed into Facebook. It's very frustrating that you do miss out on certain parts of life when you keep these things out of your daily routine but Dax's podcast with Matthew Lilliard from last year brought up a statistic that if you spend two hours a day on social media, by the end of the year, you've spend a month of that year in your life on social media. That's a little jarring to me. WOW.

I can admit that I'm probably much, MUCH worse than that and I hate it. The time that I have without checking it every what, hour or so, or sometimes with more ridiculous frequency, is almost disturbing and I have noticed a more positive shift in my mood. Truly.

I've added ArmChair expert to my morning routine and I love it. I come into work and while I'm getting the morning started I just listen away and smile and laugh to the interactions. It's made a nice addition to the grind and I even got my husband to listen so we kind of trade notes on "Oh hey, you'd like this one because..."

So after almost two full weeks in podcasting, I've definitely made some good progress. While I'm still open to suggestions I've found a comfort zone in terms of my attention span and willingness to venture towards other ones of different genres. Tomorrow marks about a week of the hiatus in Instagram and I'm not sure of a return date. I really want to commit to some more mental situating before putting myself back in the mix.

We are at Friday eve, and I'm ready for the weekend ahead and good routines. There have been so many strange emotional hurdles lately that while I've embraced the wobbly feeling, I'm happy to be a little more sure of my footing this week. Self care has been instrumental, as in finding the right conversations with my tribe. Thanks for sticking with me!

The Clothing Purge, Podcasting And Predicaments Of Free Time

I have been podcasting daily, mostly catching up on my favorite, "ArmChair Expert" with Dax Shepherd. I've started some kind of strange spring cleaning thing, without having watched that "Tidying Up" thing on Netflix so I'm proud of me for not needing that, and tomorrow I will have an excess of "free time," that I am slightly anxious about how to handle. Let's get this Friday going!

I had stared at my closet often this week just kind of looking at things, mostly in disappointment. It wasn't that I didn't have enough or that I wanted a shopping binge, which is odd for me, as for many years shopping was indeed my cardio, but rather I just had so much I didn't even really wear. 

Oddly enough I remembered each occasion for which I bought stuff and so much of it, I just don't have the reason to wear it more than once. Church is way less church-y in terms of dressing these days, and I don't go out to dress up worthy functions so these dresses my mom decides I must have are very unnecessary. I used to wear dresses to work, but I'm way more comfy in my expanding obsession with leggings. 

I just kept looking and asking myself, "Why do you have all of this when you wear almost none of it? Some of it looks old and raggedy too! Just get rid of it!" So I started to fill multiple bags with things and it was freeing. 

Last year I passed on dresses to my nieces because, while I always donate to St. Vincent de Paul, I wanted to know who would extend their love to gorgeous, quality clothing, for another fashionable round. I do have one of those bags for them awaiting a box also. 

My next project is purses. I have so many beloved Betsey Johnson bags but I rarely switch out purses anymore. My current one is a good year and a half old now because I rarely treat myself to "unnecessary" things. It's time for them to move along as they are just collecting dust.

As far as podcasting I haven't found many that really resonate or keep my attention, so I've stayed with the familiar and am just playing catch up. I heard a snippet from an installment called "No Feeling is Final," which was a telling introspective of someone's depression and internal battles that was so amazing but I couldn't find the installment in it's entirety so it fell short. I tried some NPR ones and they are also lacking for me personally. The crime ones are okay but I much prefer a kick ass documentary.

The free time predicament is so new and strange to me. I guess we're entering that stage where I will be able to do more things now. I saw some meme about not having kids with the intention of never being around them, we're meant to watch them grow blah blah, but can we face it please? Both the children and parents need a break from each other every once in awhile and it's okay. 

My daughter is 6 and I think I have spent in total, maybe 8 nights away from her? And they are almost exclusively her being away from the house with like her dad on a Disney trip, or a sleep over with family when we travel. It's kind of crazy.

Tomorrow she will be at a day camp for like 9 hours. I never have a day to do whatever I want with space to clean or go for a long walk or work out or nap. No truly, I never have an ENTIRE DAY. I get a few hours when the husband takes her to a party solo or when I go out with girl friend but a whole day? And on top of this, the husband is working his last day of a 10 day stretch so, I honestly don't know what I "should" be doing. It's kind stressing me out!

I had written a post about do I be social or do I just do whatever I want and how I should spend my time but now it us upon me and I'm like huh...seriously, besides work out and clean...what do I do?

I think this week has been a mental wrestling match for me with a lot of time to gather my thoughts and kind of, position myself for certain things to unfold. I don't just mean that in reference to the last season of Game of Thrones, by the way, but in general. I've been working a lot on my self care, new routines and figuring out a lot of really personal things, so I think the podcasting, the purge and the unknown "to do list" of free time issues are a reflection of that. 

This week has been pretty...okay. It's been relatively calm and with good strides in most avenues, I will admit. Sometimes the calm makes me more unhinged than the chaos, as I've also divulged previously. I consider every baby step in the right direction, at least a STEP in a positive direction to say the least. On the eve of an unknown day I just plan on tackling today, and then this evening as well as I can, and then moving on from there.

I've felt grateful to all you readers these past few weeks and especially in taking the journey with me. We're going to keep this momentum going. Thank you all so much for your time and commentary. Happy Friday!