Health Hassles

The irony in life seemingly never stops, and today was quite the test, quite the example. It was doctor time, check up time, wellness physical and all that. Last year was the slippery slope of the the thyroid drama. This year was all new challenges.

The weight thing I've accepted will just always be a struggle. While I no longer carry the self-hatred and self-loathing I once did, and I am avidly working on loving my body more mindfully, technically I am overweight. I don't feel it much, if at all, but by American body mass index standards, yes I am overweight.

So first thing in the door they stick me on that scale. I knew it was coming. I didn't enjoy the number, but it also wasn't a complete surprise. I wish I could say "yeah because all I do is eat." I wish I could say, "Too many desserts" or "too many days of skipping workouts." It's none of that.

Ironically enough, this is the most sober I've been since I was 18. Compared to this time last year I'm drinking a fraction of what I was. I went from drinking a couple nights a week to only weekends to now, two drinks once or twice a month. I went out recently and had A beer. Just one beer. Yeah I'm growing up and adulting. It's happening.

I've curbed the bread stuff too although pumpkin loaves are necessary. It's fall. Mostly though, I have no one to impress but myself. I'm not even partial to what hubby thinks. Judge not lest ye be judged, or whatever.

After that was the blood work part. The good news was my natural thyroid supplement from Amazon is doing it's job. I'm actually stoked about this. The bad news was within two new categories. Before I divulge the bad news, this isn't like "life-threatening" or "life altering" but when you're 34 you just want to hear "You're fine, maybe exercise more."

The new blood panel was too much of the bad cholesterol and not enough of the good cholesterol. Also my liver levels made mention as, we'll see what happens next year but they are "off" but better than last year. I'm not sure any of that was encouraging.

If I'm being completely honest and candid, I'm just waiting for the day I walk in and they say "cancer." Is that morbid and horrible? Sure. Is it kind of realistic anymore? Maybe. I had my appendix removed when I was 17 which has been my only surgery. I've had a sprained ankle but never anything broken. My hospital experiences with my daughter made me regret not having a home birth, especially when it comes to breastfeeding.

I'm not exactly the biggest fan of western medicine. I know it works wonders. I know there are some people who receive excellent care, but if I didn't have to go to the doctor, I doubt I ever would. I feel like they never tell you good news, but almost only bad news. Or maybe that is just me.

Mostly I feel like health stuff is mostly a hassle. Everyone has their own ideas and own experiences with it but what I have experienced in the medical fields have been mostly negative. 

So here is my ray of hope or my positive outlook in the murky midst of adulting: I'm glad I got a supplement from Amazon that doesn't break the bank that is actually helping my thyroid stay okay. I'm glad I have a cholesterol excuse to force my husband to make me more salmon and halibut and such. My liver? Well, I'm not drinking  much so suck it up buttercup.

I work out often. I'm mindful about what I eat. I'm not going to let some number on a scale and some blood work translator scare me into wasting my life away missing out on a great pumpkin beer, or go low carb. Bread is life. Even Jesus said that. I will, however, stay aware.

My body tells me a lot. My body can tell when things are off and I'm going to "stay woke" as the cool kids say. In this world with health advances and opportunities, I plan on staying as un-medicated as possible but as present as I can with what information I'm given.

I had a moment where I thought this could negatively affect my vacation and I just thought, no thanks. If ever there were a reason to eat and enjoy what I like, this would be it. I haven't binged on potato chips for a good car ride in ages. There will be full breakfasts each morning. While I'm glad I'm "in the know" about my body, part of my loving that body and loving myself, is to live my life to the fullest, which goes for my stomach too. After all, there are pumpkin coffees, pumpkin loaves and wedding catering at stake! Did you say steak?!?

Honesty About Circumstance

I think it's so difficult to be honest about your circumstance, whether current or past. In a world where we are "supposed to have it together" and where Social Media defines the societal norms of posting happy families, fantastic vacations and epic gift exchanges, why would you want to be honest about going through a rough patch or being deep in the weeds at times?

Denial is real. Justification can rule your world, whether intentional or not. You never want to believe you, your family or even close friends could be in a bad way, so we often numb, put it out of our minds, and power through. These are coping mechanisms for the storms, aren't they? Because honesty about life is sometimes worse than what you're actually living. We want to hide our vulnerabilities, insecurities and everything we deem as failures.

I've been in therapy for two years dealing with it all. I'm not remotely "cured" but the progress is finally breaking through and noticeable, and boy am I going with it. I hid my circumstance from everyone for a long, long time. Or I'd let it come out at the worst times and then further alienate myself. Finding the balance has been intense, but it's been worth it, in my experience.

You can know people for a long time before actually getting to know someone. You can have one version of them imprinted in your mind and never get past the facade they want you to see. Or you'll bear something deep and in common, and break down those barriers. Those barrier-break moments, have been everything to me the past few years. They have identified my tribe.

I treat lightly on the form of honesty and with whom because I grew up very aware of upholding an image and how to keep up appearances. Some people I would never share all the details with. Some I would overshare until they were sick of me. Again, balance.

I've had to be more honest and some of it is actually freeing. Some of it probably comes out completely wrong or is almost un-explainable. Some of it paints me negatively. But at least I'm not hiding behind circumstance making myself "look prettier" than what is actually going on anymore.

I've been honest about how I spend my time, which has elicited mixed reviews. I don't have the energy to volunteer and give everyone more of me right now, and haven't for awhile. I'm actually trying to be kind to myself and repair a lot of personal life damages inflicted so it won't work to serve others if I can barely care for myself. This comes across as selfish, but I finally realize it's not at all. I refuse to give in to the obligatory and max myself out, especially for situations that lack gratitude and appreciation.

I've been honest about how work affects my life. Right now I've barely seen my hubby and planning things more than a few days ahead of time is near impossible. My mom is helping less and less, or at least it is purely determinate on the kind of help she is giving. Our sitter is already too busy and we don't have many convenient options. I also drive a lot during the week and on Saturday mornings. By Sunday it's touch and go on whether or not I will go more than a mile outside the harbor. Planning stinks unless I know everyone is off and home together, which can still change on a dime these days.

I've been honest about how I've constructed my lifestyle and what it keeps me from doing. I can't just leave my kid for a weekend or even an overnight more than once a year. Why? My life is designed to be her mom, not to get away from her. We also don't have a readily available support system for that. It takes careful planning. Regardless I want to be around my child. Sure, we all need a break, but she's only this little for so long. I don't want to be away from her much, even when she drives me nuts, so I've designed my life as such.

I've been more honest about finances. We are rebounding from some serious debt. I'm really, really bad at having debt. It stresses me out to no end. We both have made many financial mistakes in growth, and are literally paying for them. We live on a strict budget that sometimes keeps us paycheck to paycheck. We don't eat out often. We don't go shopping for "things" often. Vacations are centered around family visits. We don't spend frivolously, no matter how much we may want to. 

I've been honest about friendships. I've lost touch with people over the past 6 years that have hurt so badly and I never got closure and I owe a million apologies because I let my circumstance drive them away. Some people outgrew me. I outgrew some people myself. I've also held onto toxic relationships that were harmful just because of my circumstances or straight stubbornness. Identifying that, is a huge step in the right direction of progress for me, and I tell myself that regularly.

It sucks saying out loud, "I messed up and made bad choices. I didn't really think things through. I overspent. I overbought. I didn't pay attention. I was a bad friend or bad mom, or bad wife or bad daughter. I was bad at staying in touch. I was selfish. I was WRONG." All of those SUCK to admit! They suck to say to anyone, let alone someone in your immediately family, but that's the only way to grow.

This isn't some "honesty is the best policy" diatribe, okay, I'm not going to be a hypocrite about that. I'm not always honest about why I'm late to work, or why I can't make plans that day, because it also sucks to say "I overslept because I was up late in an argument with my husband," or "I'm so overwhelmed the thought of being social right now makes me want to eat 3 cartons of ice cream and disappear for a month," is a little too much information. So sometimes it's easier to say "I left a little later than intended and hit bad traffic," or "I forgot I already made plans that night that are conflicting." In a previous job where I was getting demoted and I wanted to say, "I'm going through a rough time at home right now trying to find my way out of a bad situation, so I need to not be demoted and in a negative environment please," I ended up quitting and saying, "I'm just going to be a mom for awhile." Honestly doesn't always pan out as applicable, if we're being honest about honesty!

Having been raised in addiction, I'm actually well versed on the different variances of honesty, so for me, being honest about your circumstance isn't some statute that will make you happier, go to heaven or even set you free. For me, being honest about your circumstance helps me feel less guilty, ashamed and filled-with-failure, rather than continuing some charade. For me, embracing the honesty about my circumstance is cultivating the continuation of my growth. 

At the end of the day, I just want to be able to scrape myself off of the pavement of life, look in mirror and say "You grow girl." And for the last few weeks, I have been able to do that.

The Truths I've Come To Know, Love And Accept About Myself

In my reflection lately, and coming after some kudos in therapy and in other relationships, I've realized some fundamental, unapologetic truths about myself. I feel they are share-able.

I've watched someone I considered a good friend crash and burn, manipulate, lie and create this entire life that now has produced a victim not a villain. Rather than call out the haters (which happened to me and didn't make much of a difference other than that I had a distaste for the person who did it to me that has never really rebounded), I just have stopped feeding into it. I can listen when reached out to needing an open ear but I don't ask to hear the drama.

I feel like it's a Little Shop of Horrors kind of moment where if Seymour wouldn't have fed the Audrey II blood to begin with, it wouldn't have started eating people. So if I don't sit there and welcome the complaints, hatred, self-loathing and bitterness, I'm not feeding into the anxious frenzy and making it worse. Or so I tell myself as I'm sorting this all out. 

I've also begun asking myself, quite often, how much of all of this is even my responsibility? Technically I'm responsible for my daughter, my husband, the dog and myself. How much more outside of that should I be taking on?

As an anxious depressive I've realized that my relationships that I carry beside me mirror the current circumstance of my life. So when I was an angry flailing mess, I was around people who wanted to go out and distract me from that. When I was sad and done and feeling cornered, I was around friends who had survived or overcome worse, or at least had experienced similar. When I was ready to take things back, I stuck by people with similar goals who wanted progress and introspection.

There are parts of me that are grieving some of the friend losses. They have just kind of faded into the background as though, if I haven't put in the effort the relationship is no longer there and I have my moments of "missing them." I say missing them because isn't there an age old adage of, "How can I miss you if you never leave?" I miss the ideas of what I thought we had going.

Mostly I've taken to pinning some things on my Pinterest boards and just finding other ways of coping and distraction that are less destructive than prior versions of myself. I've been watching new series, reading a lot and getting plenty of rest. I've also been investing in a better relationship with my family, which seems to be working out pretty well.

I've learned that if it's too stressful, I just don't need it. There are some parts of life that are going to be stressful, no matter what, and that's just par for the course. However, there are some parts of life that add stress because of my reactions to them. No more. I now am strong in boundaries. Some of them will seem stupid, but they are mine.

My first example would be volunteering; I used to love to volunteer, but somewhere along the line it got stressful, filled me with anxiety and made me not able to serve well because I was miserable. I carried that weight, hid it well and powered through saying it was just a funk. It turns out I was denying that I cannot willingly walk into chaos and properly serve. It doesn't work for me. Taking that step back was huge for me, because I'm very into the "obligatory" and usually end up "shoulding" all over myself. Not anymore. 

I also refuse to chase after people and be the train conductor of all the relationships. The friends I have kept within my tribe are the ones that may get busy with life, parenthood, family, spouses, work and all the things, but still take the time to say, "Hey I miss you, wanna hang out?" To me, this is everything. The distinction is clear now. This has been a struggle for me, but now I see the line much more easily.

My job is fantastic and I'm finally in a place of STEADY growth and healing. I have my panic moments of "Don't mess it up!" But, mostly I just want to keep on keeping on. The peace that has finally come, and that we have been able to maintain and communicate around is not something I'm remotely willing to sacrifice and I love being able to type that.

Make no mistake, I am not miss "happy-go-lucky everything is fine now." That girl has long since resigned in shame. I am, "Hey, we are communicating and moving steadily in shared directions, with shared goals, and bossing up mentally, financially, and as a family and let's just keep the momentum and take everything as it comes." It's not a bad place to be comparatively. 

As per my post yesterday, I definitely have a rough few weeks ahead, but last night I did what I could and slayed my extra chores. I got dinner on the table and bathed the kid. We talked about random things and read some chapter book and had mommy-daughter cuddles. I was asleep by 9 and it was heaven. We can do this. I can do this!

Even an elder millennial is all about "my" truth or "our truths," right? Well my truths are this: I'm flawed and I've made crap choices, especially in the heat of my life in disarray and denial of what I really had in front of me. I'm stubborn, an introverted extrovert, I struggle with anxiety, depression, exhaustion and needing extra forms of breaks. I get overwhelmed and defensive easily and literally think my child is the best kid in this universe. I'm also a great friend, genuinely well-intentioned, and tenacious to the point of obnoxious in some cases when it comes to making sure people feel seen, heard and relevant.

I'm still learning and taking in everything that comes with all these things. I'm still progressing and very much in the midst of the process, but I like that I'm awake, aware and always Alison about it all. And if you're not such a fan, I get it, but I have no bad feelings about you growing your own way either, in fact I'm totally supportive of that even if it means I can't be there to cheer you on!

Sorry Not Sorry Is Truly An Epic Phrase

There are only a few phrases in terms of slang that I actually enjoy. For instance the phrase "Throw shade at," is a slight against God and all that is unholy in any grammar usage. I'm also not that big of a fan of "Bae," it just feels like someone forgot the other "b" in "babe."

However, the whole "sorry not sorry" phenomenon, is actually quite insightful, or so I think.

We go through life learning to apologize at an early age. "Say you're sorry!," become the mantra of mothers. We are supposed to teach accountability right? But as women, the whole sorry thing is just another level.

With all the women's empowerment movements the above quote from one of my favorite famous humans, Amy Poehler, is beyond perfect. Women are taught to be sorry for, being loud, especially if it means raising our voice to a man. We are made to apologize for having children "inconveniencing" other walks of life. We have to apologize for dressing provocatively or being "too sexy" and therefore attracting the "wrong kind of attention." We apologize too much, in my opinion but to sum up, "I'm sorry, I'm NOT sorry."

The reason this phrase is both easily thrown around and very appropriate is because you can feel regret that you aren't feeling badly about something you are "supposed" to feel badly about. Think about this: should we feel bad that we stood up for ourselves? Sorry, not sorry. Should we feel badly that we left a situation where we were treated poorly? Sorry, not sorry. And should we feel bad that we say "no" to doing things that "don't spark joy?" Sorry, I'm not sorry.

I started thinking about all of this in reaction to an argument with my six year old. She is 6 going on 16 and said something sarcastic. She gets her sass from me unfortunately. Anyway, I sent her to her room to cool down and feel her feelings and then she made a rude, hurtful remark. So, I took away some precious privileges and cracked down. In effect, I'm sorry that she is upset, but I'm not sorry I disciplined her. She needs to learn respect, even when she feels like things are unfair. Most of life is unfair, but we don't get to be horrible to people just because we are having a bad day, or at least that is the lesson I hope to convey.

I also had the sorry, not sorry, thing come up this morning. In most cases of parental life, weekends are packed. This was the first one in a long time that wasn't completely booked with everything and where we could all just decompress. We had a weird couple of weeks too. As mentioned often before, to me, relaxing is a foreign concept. There is always something I "should be doing," and this morning my husband made me stop, and was actually able to stop with me. On a good week, my husband and I have about 16 hours together, and I'm not exaggerating. Days when we can actually just chill, are few and far between.

So this morning, I was sorry that I blew off the "obligatory," but not sorry that I was lazy and binge-watching Hulu with my husband, a pile of pancakes and bacon. Sorry, not sorry. I'm sorry that I don't feel badly that I said no to things that I wasn't feeling happy or calm about. And, sorry but I'm especially not sorry that I didn't fake some social interactions this weekend just so I could feel like I was socially accepted. Sorry not sorry.

As you get older you become more and more unapologetic and it's not always a mean or snarky thing, but once you get mid thirties, you are kind of like, "So this is who I am now." For me, I will do just about anything for a friend who can treat me kindly and not make me feel badly about myself or my life. But, if you are just going to make me feel like crap, sorry, not sorry, you can just head the opposite direction.

And sorry, not sorry; I'm very done feeling sorry for myself. Life is hard. All you can do is grow. It's not about being, "so strong," it's not about the "resilience," it's about just living. Didn't Matthew Mcconaughey tell us in the cult classic, Dazed and Confused it's just about "livin," "L-I-V-I-N,?" I think so.

So with all do respect, I am truly sorry I'm not sorry. However I maintain that sometimes that is okay. If I actually cause some harm an owe apologies I'm not just going to be that person who refuses to apologize, but overall, let's just turn the Demi Lovato hit up, and keep L-I-V-I-N!