Hurdles In Healing

I've spent how many blog posts waxing on about emotional, spiritual and mental healing? Okay maybe let's not count those. What about other healing though?

You scrape a knee, hangnail or stub a toe? Maybe you do some neosporin and a bandaid? Everyone is different. After my illness last week, boy do I have to heal. And here is where I am with it, which of course has me thinking in all terms of metaphors and other themes.

I'm totally not back to my full self yet. I'm careful with food, coffee, treats and so on because I'm super sensitive to everything with my body right now. I had a really rough workout this morning because I woke up with stomach cramps not knowing if I should go or not. I had to take it easy working out.

I'm not a "take it easy" kind of gal. I constantly push myself. I always want a good challenge so patience with healing is not me. This morning I realized that whatever my body is going through, everything is telling me to SLOW DOWN.

It's almost too funny, the irony of my body literally rejecting going back to life and getting sick the night we returned home. We pretend these things are inconvenient coincidences, but maybe they are legit signs to pay attention to. Did we have such a great vacation, one that ended weirdly with a little bit of a disagreement with my husband and an uneasy ride home that my body completely rebelled against coming back to routines?

You can speculate whatever you want but I'm more attune to the idea that emotionally, mentally and spiritually I have more power over my body than I think. What do personal trainers say? "Mind over matter?" There is truth in the cliches.

We go to therapy to heal mental wounds, but with physical ailments we take medicines and get shots and rarely let our bodies rest. I'll give it to my 6 year old but she was completely right, forcing myself to go back to work that following morning was not a good idea. I needed the rest.

So what are my hurdles in physical healing? They are ironically mostly mental. Now I second guess on what I may have overlooked within my body before my nasty illness overtook my day to day. I'm now wondering what every cramp and moment of discomfort is telling me. Is this a new "normal?' Will my body go back to pre-illness regularity?

We joke that getting older sucks and that what we got away with in our teen and twenties is long gone but it's completely true. I had a better metabolism and very lax caffeine effects compared to now. I can't have iced tea in the evening or it messes with my sleep. I can't drink too much alcohol, which means more than two glasses in one sitting with food, or it can ruin me an entire day. And now, I'm pretty careful about what I'm allowing my tummy to wrestle.

See if I Google it I probably have a tapeworm or something insane. So I sit here hypothesizing and worrying about never getting back to what I thought was normal. Then as I'm trying to figure out what to write about today, I realized I need to embrace whatever my body is telling me and that this may be my new version of normal.

Last night in the homework war, uncharacteristic to my normal self, I used the most calm tone ever talking about the tasks. I refocused her. I didn't yell if she had some crying jag outburst. I just said, okay, "If you need to feel your feelings that's fine, but if you can persist and get through what we need to do, you can spend your evening the way you asked me to earlier. Otherwise those privileges will be lost." It seemed to work much better.

Everything around me, is screaming "SLOW DOWN." Besides my body physically telling me, my anxiety, and things going on in my personal life, I'm just very much yielding to the probability that the new "shake up" in the routine, means taking things so much slower instead of some ridiculous race to get stuff done.

I'm learning to heal all over now. I'm completely in it. We are a couple months away from 2020. All of the motivational things and funny memes are coming out about it's entrance into our calendars. What am I feeling? I think 2019 has been incredible growth. Nothing is perfect and everything in my life is a current work in progress; completely in flux. But I'm not miserable, depressed or overly anxious. I'm making things work. I'm taking things as they come. And that is huge.

Healing may not be linear, which is fact, but I'm just continuing to heal, all over. It is completely encompassing me. There will be many hurdles in healing. There always are. But today, in the midst of the stomach cramps and gurgles, the morning out of routine and the workout that was super difficult on my body and lungs, I just realized "Okay, here I am, healing and working it out one step at a time." I can only do what I can with what I'm dealt. What a revelation! And so I soldier on!

Support Systems

Our couples therapist said in one of our first sessions that what happens between two people is one may send out receptors here and there in an effort to grab attention or convey what you need and the more those are ignored or not picked up on, the less the person sends them out. I think of this often, even with friendships.

Sunday we went to church and in the sermon there was mention to how Social Media contributes to depression and anxiety but also, we are so connected with technology, we have infinite resources at our finger tips, and we feel more isolated and alone than "back in the day."

All of this is crappy, right? It's about support systems. I have this habit of when I'm having an emotionally rough moment or anxious, depressive whim, I often will reach out to someone and not admit "hey I need someone right now," but instead maybe just send out a nice note. This happened this morning where I just wanted to wish a good month, good day, and remind someone, "You're awesome!"

I wouldn't even say I'm in a bad head space, but I've had so much thinking and "dealing" to do with life's various things that maybe I just wanted to instigate a check in? Ironically, and to my great amusement, that reach out has received no response although the recipient has recently viewed my Instagram story. This is life now.

I laugh at this because our support systems are systematically breaking down. I was watching an HBO dramatic series that I'm particularly into and there was a young girl who had an incident of abuse come up with her high school boyfriend but she insists he still loves her. She sent him over 300 text messages unanswered and she was mentally spinning out and declining. She called a girl buddy who was in the midst of retaining the attention of a boy and basically got blown off. The girl, upset, asked if her friend could blow off the situation because she "Really needed someone right now." Of course in this high school scenario, her friend chose the boy over her plea, but I thought to myself, damn, that poor girl is just sinking and has no one. What a shitty feeling, right?

I am that person who if I'm going to feel alone, I want to actually be alone. I don't like feeling alone next to people. I'd rather just be alone on a mountain top feeling my feelings. We don't always have access to mountains though.

First, I want to say that uttering the words "I need help," in any way shape or form is courageous and can be incredibly difficult for people. Second I want to tell you that most people don't say that exact phrase to attempt to convey that message. For me I've said "I'm having a rough day. I'm feeling really meh. I'm in a bad head space." Sometimes it's, "I'm hanging in there," or "I'm okay." 

When I say the hanging in and okay things, sometimes I'm waiting to figure out if I am really those things, or I need to dive into some stuff with someone a bit. I have two go to friends that I message immediately when I'm not feeling myself, both of whom live thousands of miles away. It's harder to reach out to someone closer sometimes.

Often I will have a feeling or be needing a little extra support and want to revisit a friendship that has dwindled because that's the stuff we used to talk about or whom I felt comfortable with in similar situations. Again I usually revert to sending out a nice, happy message and testing the waters but seeing if it warrants a response.

It can feel like your support system is dwindling or non-existent sometimes. I personally struggle with not wanting to be Angry Ali or a "Debbie Downer." Who wants to be around Captain Complain all the time. There is a fine line.

On my worst days I feel as though I give out so much support but receive only small amounts in reciprocation. On those bad days, I try to look harder, maybe dig a little deeper.

For a truly honest and revealing moment, I will say this. For this year of 2019 I've had to put myself lower than last at times and suck it up buttercup and be super supportive of the husband. There have been times where I have felt as though I had to do this kicking and screaming. I have felt more often than I'd like to admit that this support is a one way street and not reciprocated much, if at all. But then I remember he unloads the dishwasher so I don't have to. He takes my car in on his days off so I don't have to waste a Saturday at the dealership. He puts his laundry away without me nagging him.

There are all those amazing quotes and cliches about the little things being the big things. They are completely true. More often than not, it's not about NOT having a support system but reminding yourself on how your tribe offers you support. With some friends it's funny memes or Instagram story checks. With other's it's texting for an afternoon or a phone call. Maybe a girl friend buys me a coffee or takes me out to eat. It's all there, little and big, but requiring attention.

Things get foggy, especially when you're stressed or stuck in a Social Media rabbit hole. I had to level with my husband just last night and outright admit, LIFE IS HARD. It is! There is no way getting around it. You have to make what you can count and take everything as it comes.

With information at our finger tips, support systems are EVERYWHERE. I remind myself of this daily. It could be, a new book, a coloring book, a moment of retail therapy, some online Scrabble or Solitaire, a text to a family member or friend, an Instagram positive affirmation post, a meme! It could be a Pinterest board or researching a dream vacation. It could be finding a new therapist, finding a crafting class, and so on and so forth.

My hope is this, and I hope this for myself and all the people I love, but don't stop sending those receptors. Translate your "rough day" into "I need someone" and don't let up. I don't meant send 300 plus text messages to someone clearly ignoring you, I just mean, text the reliable friend or treat yourself to a new purse and keep those support systems intact! 

This planet is filled and feeling lonely when surround by people is the worst, in my personal opinion. Grab a support system and go. I know this can seem easier said than done, but I had a friend remind me of this recently and I post a lot about it on my Instagram. I've written other pieces pertaining to it as well. CHECK ON YOUR PEOPLE AND CHECK IN WITH YOURSELF. Like the 60's or 70's tune, "Reach Out!" If you're not being responded to by a few people and you're sinking, keep reaching out and revise your verbiage because "I'm having a bad day" and "I need your help" can have worlds of different connotations. 



This is my Wednesday Wisdom and I hope it reads well! 

Letting Go Of What I "Should" Do

So, any mom, perhaps any woman, and definitely most anyone knows that guilt-ridden feeling of the "should." What "should" we be doing? On a rainy Sunday you might want to just not shower, stay in pajamas and watch movies all day, eating everything and anything but what "should" you be doing instead? Cleaning, getting things done for the week ahead, organizing, etc.

Little by little, slowly but surely I've begun letting go of all these antiquated ideas of what I "should" do and the results are pretty empowering. Freeing, if you will

After my last meltdown with expectations around church attendance and then having a vacation where everything was about the company we keep rather than where we all gathered, it allowed me to mentally realign. I've also recently forged a friendship with a friend of a friend type and we've begun a dual support system of understanding how much faith you can have in great things, good people, and kindness outside of a physical church setting that we no longer want to put that pressure on ourselves to "go to church" when it just makes us miserable.

I always feel like I "should" check in with people, but guess what? The phone works both ways. I always feel like I "should" go to church on Sunday, but I also have a spiritual experience with a good sleep in session, fresh cup of coffee, and the smell of cooking bacon. I had felt like I "should" work out but wasn't fully in so I did a rest, reboot and realign until I felt better.

Essentially what I "should" be doing is actually listening to myself and my family. I had this great realization earlier this week that I don't need to fit in or do what everyone else is doing because we are a far cry away from high school and I think I might officially be an adult. My family has a wedding to attend in a couple months in the Savannah area and all of the accommodations in that area were out of our price range. I found a place some 30 miles away in Hilton Head Island, SC, a place I visited in my youth, for almost $50 a night less than anything close to Savannah.

So the wedding is in Savannah and most guests will be there but that doesn't mean we have to stay in Savannah. I started researching routes and which highways to take and making sure we had addresses and such and realized that because the condo is on an actual island, Hilton Head Island, it takes an hour to get there from Savannah. My first response was panic and anxious like, "Oh my gosh drive an hour after the wedding? Great I'm such an idiot."

I researched other places closer, none of which had the beach or an indoor/outdoor pool and hot tub. I reached out to my husband and he said, "Well I've never been anywhere near any of those places. Sure we can enjoy Savannah but we don't have to stay there. We're not IN the wedding so we don't need to be around all of that. It's our time off. We "should" do what we want to do."

There it was again. The "should." We "should" do what we want to do. And we will. Somehow I needed someone else to say that to me, for me.

There are some necessary "shoulds" like you "should" shower daily and be polite. Some are seeming less and less obligatory and more and more obnoxious. Maybe it is coming of age that just has me feeling less and less equipped to deal with the expectations of others as they are being pushed onto me.

I even got kudos in my personal therapy session for being more flexible and keeping up my boundaries. We spoke a lot about the "shoulds," and when I told her I gave myself a break she was extremely impressed. To be honest, I'm even impressed with myself.

I'm very much enjoying where I am and trying not to muddy the water. It will happen at some point I'm sure but for this late Tuesday afternoon, I'm just reveling in where I am, how far I've come, and that I'm happy to keep going.

Therapy Gold Stars And Fresh Outlooks

I'm a pretty huge advocate of personal, couples, and all kinds of therapy. Why? Because it works to have someone neutral to help you handle your shit, in my personal experience and opinion. It's become more acceptable and mainstreamed to go to therapy and I very much embrace and appreciate that.

My husband and I have been going to therapy for two years and this past year was healing and breakthrough, finally. He goes to individual therapy, as do I. It feels nice to have someone on your side who can actually help you see yourself objectively.

I recently received what I consider to be a gold star in my personal therapy and my husband and I definitely got one in our couples session. After two years of struggle, plus another 4 years of utter muck, this feels beyond gratifying.

Having a fresh outlook is not something that comes easy for me. I'm miss obsess, miss overthink and miss inner conversationalist. Taking this down a notch, or twenty notches, has been a daily struggle but guess what? I'm figuring it out.

Being open about being in therapy and having support has been hit or miss. Some people are super supportive and others kind of wonder why I "need" it or spend my time that way. The thing is, even though we act as though our entire lives are on social media and there is no more privacy, all of our inner and mental battles go everywhere with us and no one else can truly, completely know what someone else is going through. Enter empathy. Empathy is huge.

I think most of us can kind of "idle" as a happy depressed person. We can hide a lot. My therapists say often that I rarely come in airing of anxiety and depression, you really have to get under that surface facade that I can wear. Chinks in the armor I like to think of it as. Most people I talk to who have suffered trauma say that people, "Never would have known," because it all looked neat and pretty on the outside. It usually does.

We all handle our struggles differently. Some medicate, some numb, some deny, deny deny. Some have a balance of all those things and some indulge in more of them than others. Life is hard! That's one thing you can't deny.

It is hard work, all of it. Sometimes I'm all happy to go talk it out in therapy and sometimes it can feel heavy. You are forced to face everything you avoid when you're not in that office, which can be so daunting, but then again, so liberating.

The gold stars came from hard work. Self realization, awareness, staying positive through the rough times and appreciating the good rather than focusing on the bad, all helped with the therapist supporting and stating how impressive it was and acknowledging the progress. This made me smile because sometimes after those sessions I don't actually feel better.

My personal therapist reminds me often that it's not some requirement of therapy to leave feeling better but she likes to check in towards the end of the session. Usually therapy sessions don't go how I think they will, either. I'll go in there ready to hash out some stuff and leave having focused entirely on a separate issue that I didn't even know was in there. It's complicated.

I think a fresh outlook is just another form of hope. Feeling hopeless is crappy. You can spend years wishing, hoping, even praying but when you put in the real work everything can turn around. I made excuses for years to keep us out of therapy, but it's the best time and money I've ever spent on something considered to be a luxury or non-essential thing. I don't regret any of it.

Healing from trauma and brokenness is hard work and it takes a tribe, openness, and in my humble opinion, therapy! You don't have to agree. In this day and age we have so many outlets and opportunities to find help all over, but for me, and for us, we needed some professional help. Not being ashamed of that, is also huge for me. 

I head into the long weekend, the time with family, with all of the things with a fresh outlook and it feels really, really, long overdue and fantastic. Not carrying extra stress and worry is a feat all on it's own for me. If you have any questions about my journey, reach out, because I'm going to be talking about it more and more. 

Go enjoy the 4th of July holiday, readers!

Honesty About Circumstance

I think it's so difficult to be honest about your circumstance, whether current or past. In a world where we are "supposed to have it together" and where Social Media defines the societal norms of posting happy families, fantastic vacations and epic gift exchanges, why would you want to be honest about going through a rough patch or being deep in the weeds at times?

Denial is real. Justification can rule your world, whether intentional or not. You never want to believe you, your family or even close friends could be in a bad way, so we often numb, put it out of our minds, and power through. These are coping mechanisms for the storms, aren't they? Because honesty about life is sometimes worse than what you're actually living. We want to hide our vulnerabilities, insecurities and everything we deem as failures.

I've been in therapy for two years dealing with it all. I'm not remotely "cured" but the progress is finally breaking through and noticeable, and boy am I going with it. I hid my circumstance from everyone for a long, long time. Or I'd let it come out at the worst times and then further alienate myself. Finding the balance has been intense, but it's been worth it, in my experience.

You can know people for a long time before actually getting to know someone. You can have one version of them imprinted in your mind and never get past the facade they want you to see. Or you'll bear something deep and in common, and break down those barriers. Those barrier-break moments, have been everything to me the past few years. They have identified my tribe.

I treat lightly on the form of honesty and with whom because I grew up very aware of upholding an image and how to keep up appearances. Some people I would never share all the details with. Some I would overshare until they were sick of me. Again, balance.

I've had to be more honest and some of it is actually freeing. Some of it probably comes out completely wrong or is almost un-explainable. Some of it paints me negatively. But at least I'm not hiding behind circumstance making myself "look prettier" than what is actually going on anymore.

I've been honest about how I spend my time, which has elicited mixed reviews. I don't have the energy to volunteer and give everyone more of me right now, and haven't for awhile. I'm actually trying to be kind to myself and repair a lot of personal life damages inflicted so it won't work to serve others if I can barely care for myself. This comes across as selfish, but I finally realize it's not at all. I refuse to give in to the obligatory and max myself out, especially for situations that lack gratitude and appreciation.

I've been honest about how work affects my life. Right now I've barely seen my hubby and planning things more than a few days ahead of time is near impossible. My mom is helping less and less, or at least it is purely determinate on the kind of help she is giving. Our sitter is already too busy and we don't have many convenient options. I also drive a lot during the week and on Saturday mornings. By Sunday it's touch and go on whether or not I will go more than a mile outside the harbor. Planning stinks unless I know everyone is off and home together, which can still change on a dime these days.

I've been honest about how I've constructed my lifestyle and what it keeps me from doing. I can't just leave my kid for a weekend or even an overnight more than once a year. Why? My life is designed to be her mom, not to get away from her. We also don't have a readily available support system for that. It takes careful planning. Regardless I want to be around my child. Sure, we all need a break, but she's only this little for so long. I don't want to be away from her much, even when she drives me nuts, so I've designed my life as such.

I've been more honest about finances. We are rebounding from some serious debt. I'm really, really bad at having debt. It stresses me out to no end. We both have made many financial mistakes in growth, and are literally paying for them. We live on a strict budget that sometimes keeps us paycheck to paycheck. We don't eat out often. We don't go shopping for "things" often. Vacations are centered around family visits. We don't spend frivolously, no matter how much we may want to. 

I've been honest about friendships. I've lost touch with people over the past 6 years that have hurt so badly and I never got closure and I owe a million apologies because I let my circumstance drive them away. Some people outgrew me. I outgrew some people myself. I've also held onto toxic relationships that were harmful just because of my circumstances or straight stubbornness. Identifying that, is a huge step in the right direction of progress for me, and I tell myself that regularly.

It sucks saying out loud, "I messed up and made bad choices. I didn't really think things through. I overspent. I overbought. I didn't pay attention. I was a bad friend or bad mom, or bad wife or bad daughter. I was bad at staying in touch. I was selfish. I was WRONG." All of those SUCK to admit! They suck to say to anyone, let alone someone in your immediately family, but that's the only way to grow.

This isn't some "honesty is the best policy" diatribe, okay, I'm not going to be a hypocrite about that. I'm not always honest about why I'm late to work, or why I can't make plans that day, because it also sucks to say "I overslept because I was up late in an argument with my husband," or "I'm so overwhelmed the thought of being social right now makes me want to eat 3 cartons of ice cream and disappear for a month," is a little too much information. So sometimes it's easier to say "I left a little later than intended and hit bad traffic," or "I forgot I already made plans that night that are conflicting." In a previous job where I was getting demoted and I wanted to say, "I'm going through a rough time at home right now trying to find my way out of a bad situation, so I need to not be demoted and in a negative environment please," I ended up quitting and saying, "I'm just going to be a mom for awhile." Honestly doesn't always pan out as applicable, if we're being honest about honesty!

Having been raised in addiction, I'm actually well versed on the different variances of honesty, so for me, being honest about your circumstance isn't some statute that will make you happier, go to heaven or even set you free. For me, being honest about your circumstance helps me feel less guilty, ashamed and filled-with-failure, rather than continuing some charade. For me, embracing the honesty about my circumstance is cultivating the continuation of my growth. 

At the end of the day, I just want to be able to scrape myself off of the pavement of life, look in mirror and say "You grow girl." And for the last few weeks, I have been able to do that.

Married Musings

Google "marriage memes," I dare you. This came up about halfway through the page. It's not wrong. 

My best friend told me her husband of over a decade says that marriage is likely to consist of a lot of bad years and he wants to conquer those to get to the good ones. I kind of like that idea. No, I LOVE that idea. Why? Because marriage is hard.

Marriage not an easy thing. It can be painful, frustrating, infuriating, defeating and completely stressful.

Princess Bride, in its infinite wisdom, is quoted too often in my marriage. Things can be less romantic and more routine, then turn to rough and real in a moment's notice. It's all a matter of give and take, and communication.

We are 6 weeks away from 10 years of marriage and all I can say is, we've had our fair share of bad times and I'm all for pushing towards the good. Anyone who is married and says they don't have a phase like this might be lying or better yet, inhuman.

Marriage, like childbearing, is a club we all want to be accepted into, but no one tells you how challenging it is once you're in. No one is honest about it, until you're honest about your marriage with everyone else. That's when all the stories come out of the woodwork.

It took me a good 4 years of motherhood and family life rough waters to realize that most relationships have the "Titanic" moment of one person on the door and the other person in the water hanging for dear life. 

We can all admit now, there was room for both of them on that door! Regardless, I digress; marriage is anything but simple and easy. I now understand the growing divorce rate in our country. We often wonder how people make it for so long, and I'm unsure as if anyone has a magic answer, I sure as hell don't. I just know that it takes work from both parties.

Staying hopeful in a marriage, to me, is more important than staying happy. "Happy" can have a million definitions, but hopeful is the real, deep stuff. You're going to be horrible to each other. You're going to hurt each other. These are facts. But when you just want to keep up the good fight at the end of the day, and still annoy just that one other person, I think you're probably doing okay.

I used to find comfort in comedies that made fun of how ridiculous marriage can be and brought some lighthearted moments into it all. I still do, which is why I revisit these in times of high anxiety.

Of course the Friends moment the day after Monica and Chandler's wedding where Chandler fakes wedding photos at another wedding to avoid Monica being upset their photos were lost and Monica opens every gift without him will always live in infamy: 

Compromise at it's best; makes me laugh every time.

Albeit there are cute Lily and Marshall-esque moments: 

    

Those are the moments that get you out of the bad, more often than not. The moments where you stop being cranky at each other and stick with being cute. These are the social media moments people live for.

However, there are also some pretty serious moments when things get real:

We totally embrace and thrive in therapy and I make no apologies for it. I advocate therapy to EVERYONE. Sometimes you just need a little extra help so you can get away from the tension and back to life as a couple. It's like having a mediator to get you away from the same fight, the same dizzy dance and same bad habits, and recenter your views. I'm a fan.

More and more I'm finding as we age separately and as a couple, that we are just not alone in our issues, but no one is talking about it. In some ways, keeping your personal life personal is great, but sometimes it's nice to know the cheese doesn't stand alone.

My balance become being a complainer in general, and learning to cultivate my frustration with my tribe has been such an intense experience. At my worst I was just on a diatribe. At my best, I grew up and started to take control of what I wanted out of my marriage and stopped apologizing and started working towards those goals. It's definitely a work in progress, but it's worth the job!

We are 6 weeks away from celebrating the big 10 together and for the first time, in a long time, I'm feeling beyond hopeful, but excited. As strange as it is to think about the time gone by I'm definitely happy to put some chapters behind us and to continue onward and upward. 

Thanks Michael Scott, we won't!

The Reasons Why I Think Netflix's Series "Maniac" Is A Gorgeous Mental Health Awareness Journey

Netflix released a show called "Maniac" which has been on my "I have to sit down and watch that" list for almost a year or whenever it first came out. I love Emma Stone and Jonah Hill, especially together.

I was probably the only person on the planet who didn't understand all the fuss about La La Land. Don't get me wrong, Emma Stone performed wonderfully, sang and danced like a champ, but the plot went from weird to worse and then was so utterly depressing I would have rather just subjected myself to the Notebook twice in a row. On top of that I found the only cute scene to be the one where they are literally dancing around their own attraction, but who doesn't want to stare at Ryan Gosling? So, I lost 2 hours of my life, whatever.

I consider Maniac as Emma Stone's personal apology to me for La La Land, as ridiculous as that may seem, it makes me feel better to think of it that way. I found the series to be a strange triumph.

I'll keep spoilers to a minimum as I encourage you to watch on your own, but it's futuristic, trippy, sometimes a little out there, gripping, dramatic and emotional.

Long story short, in a somewhat futuristic version of NYC we meet Jonah Hill's character, who is immediately shown as confused and quickly outed as mentally unstable. This is followed by meeting Emma Stone, who is definitely fragile, possibly addicted and reliving some trauma, by her own choice.

The stories wind you all over, but Emma Stone and Jonah Hill end up testing a pharmaceutical drug to "fix" your mental and emotional trauma from some new futuristic company run primarily by forms of Artificial Intelligence. It takes us inside the minds of Stone and Hill for these weird dream-like reflections of what actually happened to them in real life, or some semblance of it. Somehow, against every programming issue and all odds, Hill and Stone keep meeting in each other's dream sequence as if the universe is pushing them together.

Throughout the series they drop these beautiful little hints to say, "big pharma can't cure," that's what therapy is for. Little nuances of "therapy is good but invokes complicated emotions," and "addiction is another hurdle of these advertised cures, by the way" are peppered throughout the story, along with other weird life truths that are often glossed over in most series with comedy, instead of confronted.

I will spoil a little, this is not a love story or even romantic. It's more, bonding through shared trauma and understanding how messed up things can be. It touched my heart by the end of it, to know that you could embrace your struggles if you have the right tribe:

I think we often find ourselves in a place where we feel like we need to find a cure for our ills and for most of society, we self medicate with what we can get our hands on: alcohol, recreational drugs, coffee, soda, food, cigarettes, the gym, how we eat, the list can go on and on. 

Then we see great advertisements offering a "cure" for your anxiety, depression and so on and so forth when really we just need to face the demons. This whole facing your inner demons thing is handled quite intensely and beautifully throughout the series for almost every character with which it is associated. It's figuratively, metaphorically and plainly executed throughout the stories, now that I think about it, and it's entertaining as hell.

This was one of those shows I just couldn't stop watching in terms of, you're locked on the screen because you need to try and make sense of it all. There are so many facets within that you're like, "Is that real, or imagined?"

It was darkly funny and ironic at moments, but ultimately very dramatic and heartfelt. Starting the series came to me at a time when I needed it most. It was a wonderful distraction but also kind of a reminder that even in dark, uncertain, weird mental times, you can find commonality and friendships.

If you can't get into the dreamy, whimsical fantasy mixed with bits of reality, you may not be able to get into it, but I for one found it refreshing and comforting. I commend Jonah Hill and Emma Stone for their artistic adventure. Currently this only has one season, and they ended it in such a way that a second season isn't necessary, but I'm kind of open to it.

Happy Wednesday readers! If you need a weekend binge-watch, you're welcome!

I'd Rather Not Be The Bad Day Blogger

The other day my best friend across an ocean messaged me. He messaged me this long message about his truly horrible day filled with work and boss dispute, a small injury and a broken water heater meaning, cold showers until it could be fixed. Although I very much love Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad day, all I could think was, he "Roseanna-Danna'd" me. 

Not to date myself here, but I was raised with amazing comedic appreciation including that of early and original SNL. Gilda Radner was a comedic genius in comedy and I loved her character on Weekend Update "Roseanne, Rosanna Danna." She had one person complaining in a letter which I then found in a Hallmark card years later for a favorite Aunt, and when I heard my friend's annoyed plea all I could hear and picture was her:

Honestly when he messaged me, I smiled. Not because he had a bad day, but because I loved that he wasn't complaining at me, but rather that after all of that, he wanted to come share the day with me as if thinking, "Ali will make me feel better." I offered all the good vibes and apologies for a yuck day promising a better tomorrow.

This morning was my turn for the bad day. If I'm being honest it's been a rough run all around. It's been quite a roller coaster and many tests of my anxiety, depressive whims and my ability to push through and adult. I'm anything but easy going and these past few weeks have been quite a trial for me.

Today was the breaking point and I really wanted to write it up as an "F this Friday." But I took a lot of deep breaths and pushed through. It was one of those crappy financial situations which wasn't the end of the world but really sucked. One of those things that wasn't your fault really, but wasn't arguable. It was a waste of money and resources, not to mention time, all of which I detest! It was not a great start to my day.

I figured I had a few choices: I could reach out to my co-complainers, aka my friends that always support my annoyances with the fact that they, too, would be annoyed by said situation. I could cry in my car, always good for a day to be not okay. OR, I could therapize through it, meaning using the tools from therapy to get me to not hit melt down mode.

I posted some Pinterest motivational pictures in a collage, and boy I LOVE a good collage, on Instagram and had some of my favorite people reach out to me and remind me I'm loved through the muck, especially when I'm hating myself, and that it's just a bad day. And then I sorted it all out. I felt better.

It was after a major talk session and some light complaining that I realized, not only am I not alone in this kind of thing, meaning it happens to the best of us, but just two days before I had a message from a bestie that exhibited the same kind of day. And then I was reminded of the always amazing skit of "Roseanne Rosanna Danna." I've left it below for your entertainment, but to sum up, rather than be the Bad Day Blogger, I'm with "Roseanne Rosanna Danna," "It's always something," and if it's not one list, it's another but the best thing we can do with it all, is at least have a laugh.

Happy Friday!

Finding All The Time; The Question Of When

That phrase, "There are not enough hours in the day," must have been written for parents, and mothers specifically. As an avid supporter of therapy, I will admit that in a therapy session when our therapist was talking to us about making time to communicate, it took every fiber in my being not to shout..."When?"

We are supposed to have the time to "do it all." I'd like to reveal to you all, it's complete and utter bullshit. It may also be impossible. 

Timing and finding the time, is really difficult. Date nights, solo errands, nights out with friends, calm conversations, dinner not being a rush, all of these things require planning and timing and I'm not going to lie, it's all really exhausting. This is coming from someone who only has one child, mind you. 

I used to sit and admire the moms that could "do it all." But then I actually started listening to them and befriending them and I realized it's not that they "do it all" but rather they have different methodologies and routines they have found that work for them. So I've just tried to do the same for me.

Most of us are running on very little sleep, although I maintain that sleep is my single favorite hobby and if I have the opportunity to get as much as possible, you better believe I will! 

My biggest struggles are time for myself, and time with my husband. Time with my husband is completely maddening because we operate on extremely different wavelengths. I have a cup of coffee and am firing on all cylinders from 8AM to about 3PM. He isn't truly awake until at least 1PM, even if he wakes up at 7AM, and at 9PM is ready to hang out...just as I'm past my bed time! It stinks, to say the least. Opposite schedules are a hindrance. 

So when do we find time to do what we need? A lunch break? If hubby and I catch a lunch date it has a specific end time, talk about killing a moment. All other walks of life are interrupted by my child, because she is sassy and six. So, therefore, I repeat, when?

We get many, many, MANY, suggestions, which are often kind and thoughtful for that answer. Almost all of them are just not conducive to our life. I work hard on my time management but that doesn't just make everything happen. Between kid schedules, work schedules, and my precious sleep, it seems to always be a struggle.

I am a scheduled, organized person. I've tried to schedule time together and it rarely works. Date nights, depending on the babysitter, usually end up having consequences, and again, we operate on opposite levels in most walks of life. He's tired and hungry later, I'm tired and hangry all the time. 

I used to make the large mistake of taking to Facebook to complain about this. I had moms who agreed and then other people with their snarky comments that made me so mad. Only a few understood enough to think to offer help. Those are my favorite people. This is also not some inadvertent hint to text me after reading by the way. No, seriously.

The "WHEN" has always been such a looming and sad question for me because it never has an easy answer of "4PM Tuesday," and 90% of the time "When" turns into the dreaded, "As soon as," ellipsis. No fun.

My life is filled with "As soon as." Sometimes it feels like a reflex. I've had to be more assertive in following through with these things that come up for "as soon as," also, which is tough at times. We always think we have plenty of time. We always think we will have time and these assumptions make things even more sticky, because life is a lot shorter than we'd like to admit.

With age I have become so much more careful with my time. It is much like money where it must be spent wisely and this is a great first step. As with any circumstance, we do what we can. We sneak it in here or there but I've certainly stopped pouring my time into proverbial glasses that aren't half empty or half full, but cracked and draining! All the metaphors!

The "whens" and "as soon as's" are just so daunting, but nonetheless a part of life. Much like our children asking the never ending "why" and our need to say "no" we all find a way to make life work with balancing time, energy and all the things.

There is no sure fire way to find all the time, and there's no good answer for the question of when, especially not that of "as soon as...". But we are here and we persist. Life is wonderful and exhausting and, for me, it comes with these points of "Oh my gosh when would I find that time?", that I can rearrange and better align my life so I CAN find the time. 

No one "Does it all!" Okay, MAYBE Oprah! But we need to do what we can, day by day, and make an effort to find the time and answer the question of when, more simply. If we can tell a child when she can have a toy back, we can tell our husbands when date night is. We can find all the time we need, when we need the time with our people. Make it work, readers!