Intimidation Station

My husband and I had a conversation about family stuff and he mentioned that with certain people I come off as intimidating. I'd never really thought about my being intimidating but more that I just don't hide being annoyed.

When I got home I said to him, "I'm not so sure about this whole me looking intimidating thing. Because at work I had someone tell me she wasn't feeling so well, so she was heading to the bathroom and I wanted to say 'Eww, don't tell me that,' and I always prefer not to be bothered and look generally annoyed and yet no one gets the hint!" My husband laughed and rolled his eyes.

He said, "Yeah that's work Alison who wants to avoid conflict and just be left alone to get through her day. They all probably think you just have resting bitch face." He then went on to say that when I'm on my home turf, and when I'm standing firmly, I can bring on the intimidation. It left me thinking a bit.

I wouldn't say I had good or bad self esteem necessarily, or maybe I wouldn't even say I had any at all, but there are certainly times when I am completely no nonsense. I'm not sure if I've hardened with age, or I just have a stronger no-bullshit-o-meter. I very much wear the "do not harm but take no shit" mantra.

It was just a funny thing for him to have brought to my attention, mostly because I've inadvertently conditioned myself to carry myself certain ways depending on the company, or the situation. My sisters can feel when I'm pre-meltdown and about to lose my cool. My dad helps even me out by responding in calm ways to keep me calm. My mom is probably what taught me to be intimidating and rely on resting bitch face, not because that's what she does, but because that's how I've had to handle myself with her.

I think we armor ourselves with certain things to get us through whatever we are in the middle of. When I'm walking downtown I usually have headphones in or I'm on the phone. This is so no homeless dudes or survey people approach me for inappropriate commentary, to ask for change or to get too close to my personal space bubble. I feel like these are polite and socially acceptable ways of saying "No thanks, just passing through."

After watching an old favorite Dane Cook skit, I remembered him talking about saying something to someone who sneezed on him and he said, "I said, 'God Bless You,' but I said it in the tone of 'Cover your f***ing mouth.'" I kind of feel like that might be the best description for my general demeanor when in a mood. I can say the nice things but in a snarky way so you know I'm not having it.

But as far as being intimidating, I feel like that's a compliment. One thing I never want to portray is any kind of weakness. I like being a veiled threat of a human, like I don't look so bad until you unleash the kracken type of thing, haha or so I would hope.

I'm very often underestimated, and I try to use that to my advantage honestly. I also just have no room to be messed with anymore. If you are going to come at me with some ridiculousness, disrespect or no consideration, I'm not going to sit idly by. It's taken me years to own my story, and I'm not going backwards, only forwards.

On the other hand, I don't live to scare people by any means. Most people don't get the intimidation vibe from me in general, until they piss me off. That's when, what my old friend used to so beautifully put, I will "set you ablaze with my eyes."

I think as women we learn that we have to bring something more to the table and be the mom/employee/friend/wife/woman that doesn't put up with nonsense and we all carry that differently. For me, apparently, I come across intimidating but I think that's okay.

I am sassy, sarcastic and cynical. These are the things I wear as my armor, now I'm adding on some intimidating stuff because I'm growing and not being afraid to be me. I wish I could be offended that my husband brought it up but I'm still keeping it as a compliment, no matter how silly that sounds. 

Maybe Michael Scott has been right all along!

Yelling At Your Children: Why Do They Only Hear Certain Decibels?

For being such a short person, I'm freakishly loud. Being loud is natural to me. It's like I've had to make up for my legitimate shortcomings so I'm just boisterous and turned up volume-wise. This is very much like Monica on Friends, by the way; the similarities are uncanny.

However, when I yell, I YELL. It all started with the dog. You gotta blame the dog! Dogs are like training for kids only they don't talk back as much, or so we thought when we got our pug. He was and is a great dog for the most part but when I've yelled, I've yelled very loudly. As someone already loud, just imagine my volume when I need to be...louder. I can reach different cities I bet!

I don't think the real kid-yelling phase started until Luna was about 2, and mostly it was out of "Be careful" and not so much in scolding. The car accident knocked me down a peg or two in terms of perspective on what is yell-worthy, but age 5 has tested everything. 

You know how when kids need your attention, they say "Mom, mom, mom," continuously for an infinite time? It doesn't matter if you're in the bathroom, on the phone, concentrating on something, reading or literally speaking to someone else standing in front of them, they must have your immediate attention. As moms we can drown it out to a point but then they raise their voices and at some point, and then, personally, I crack and the mom loud comes out! Like a mom mega-phone.

My daughter is too much like me and when the TV is on, nothing else is happening. I'm just in the zone when I'm into a show, and so is she if My Little Pony is on. Then the attention-getting voice goes from its normal tone, to louder than said TV program and finally to, "YOU NEED TO HEAR ME NOW BEFORE I TOSS THE TV IN THE TRASH."

And I swear they only hear you when you're so loud you feel like you're screaming in a horror movie and then they get upset that you're loud. It's such a weird cycle. Now, I don't know about any other moms, but I always immediately have this gut check of "Aw man now I've completely wrecked her for life and need to start saving for therapy because I yelled too much!," so then I go apologize.

In the past 2 years I've actually started to be brutally honest with my daughter when it comes to life things. "Mommy was mad because daddy hurt her feelings and then she was just sad for the day." "Mommy needs to not watch Daniel Tiger for another hour but have a little time in her room." "Mommy is hungry and cranky and done with today!"

She seems to respond better to this than any time I mimic her tantrums whether to actually mock her or because I myself am at that mental breaking point. Sometimes the teasing is a distraction she needs and loves. Sometimes she just gets mad I'm teasing her. We fight a lot, we're mom and daughter.

You read all these parenting books and hear all these ideas from other parents about how yelling is harmful and such, but then you just reach your boiling point and it's the only trick you have left. I am mindful about it, but sometimes as moms, you gotta just yell! 

I don't remember being yelled at unless I was seriously in trouble, but I remember fearing the "yell" to the point where I would tread lightly. My daughter doesn't seem to do this. She just kind of physically cowers when the loud comes out and I always remind her that I don't yell to scare her, I yell to grab her attention like I would if she were far away.

One thing that yelling does is create that fear, which I struggle with. I don't want my kid to be afraid of me in the sense that I'm an enemy or "Momster." I want that respect kind of fear like, "Don't mess with mom!" I think we all do. As women, sometimes I feel that we just want that power of, "I'm super nice until you cross me, and then fear my wrath!" 

Think of all the memes that portray this for "Resting Bitch Face" and the "Mom stare" for when you need your kid to know he or she is in trouble but you're out in public trying not to create a scene. It's all so ridiculous, but it's what we do.

Yelling is even ridiculous if you think about it, but it's what we do. My daughter yells at me too. In that way, we have the perfect relationship. I'd sit here and devise a resolution to not yell, but in most circumstances it's almost like a reflex; I barely realize until my voice is getting hoarse. Other times I can scale it back and I do. 

I truly believe that, like dogs, sometimes your children can only hear and respond to certain decibels and as moms we have a natural talent for hitting said decibels to command attention. Most other moms that are "yellers" like me, have the same sentiment of "Why do I HAVE to yell!??" But it seems to just be some kind of primal and natural thing. 

And, as someone who is just naturally loud, being told to take it down just provokes me to want to be louder, much like my child being told to use her "inside voice." What can I say? We're a work in progress. After all is said and done at least we were heard though!