Live Music Is Living My Best Life

My first concert was when I was 13. I didn't appreciate it at all at the time. It was with a friend who was almost a frenemy but my mom made me go. It was Billy Joel at F&M college circa 1997, 1998ish. My first concern I cared about what at Hershey Stadium. Hanson. I have no shame. It was huge and overwhelming and loud but so fun. I didn't see many other concerts until I was 18, but was lucky enough to see *NSYNC in south Florida when I was 17, which was awesome.

When I moved to Oregon and connected with music to get me through all my family stuff I started going to concerts. My dad wouldn't go with me, but would drop me off and pick me up or make my older sisters take me until I was about 19 and had large dude friend to look out for me. By the time I was 19 going to concerts was like a hobby and collecting tickets, bumper stickers, shirts, autographs, anything I could get was like a sport.

Last night I went to the radio station 97X's sponsored event called the "Freebie Weebie." I drove an hour to a dive bar to get the "free" tickets and an hour home about a month ago because a band I would have paid to see, was going to be free at my favorite venue, Jannus Landing and St. Pete, a mere 6 blocks from my office. I recruited a friend and off we went.

The band has now exploded onto mainstream channels, but started with one simple hit, "Broken." I heard the song early one morning and couldn't get past how amazing the lyrics were: "I like that you're broken, broken like me, maybe that makes me a fool. I like that you're lonely, lonely like me, I could be lonely with you." I did what I do best which was find them on Spotify and immediately devour the debut album of Lovelytheband.

Last year when I found this album my life was really in a huge state of upheaval for me. When I found this album it seems to reach out to all my mental health struggles, relationship struggles, feelings of inadequacy and lonely but surrounded by people parallels. I felt like it was written for me, which I hadn't felt in a couple years so it was really comforting. I quickly found multiple songs I loved but my favorite was called "Stupid Mistakes" and professed, "We all make stupid mistakes sometimes, but I make them more than most, and it's my fault that I live my life running away from ghosts. Too many skeletons, too hard to keep them in the closet where they've been. We all make stupid mistakes sometimes you're the one that I miss the most."

Going to concerts is like a religious experience for me. The way that some people connect when they are at church is me at a concert, especially a concert where the band's entire album or collection has profoundly affected me. These rights go to: Hanson, Death Cab for Cutie, Dashboard Confessional, Rilo Kiley, The Decemberists, Cake, and Ben Folds to name the most dominant. 

This free concert event came to me with reservations. I'm too old to deal with drunk kids spilling beer on me and being unaware and insensitive. The bar fights and people too drunk or high to know they are at a show aren't cute or benign anymore, they make me jaded and cynical and annoyed. But I wanted to see Lovelytheband before they were "too cool" and lost the ability to play small venues. 

The entire night was actually great. Not only did I have perfect company, but the opening band was from St. Pete and sounded fine, the second act I had just happened upon from the same station and they reminded me of other bands I loved back in my youth and they put on quite an amazing set, and Lovelytheband played all of my favorites off of the album. 

When they played their hit "Broken" the lead singer spoke about being young and being sad but not really knowing why he was sad and said, "Sometimes it's okay to not be okay and never feel badly asking for help. Asking for help is great!" He spoke about mental health awareness and it kicked me right in the feels. It was so perfect. 

I had had a weird end to my week with amazing news, frustrating news, relieving news, extra hurdles, late bedtimes, not enough food, too much stress and just feeling anxious about multiple things. I had felt the love and support from some of my favorite people while all the while feeling a little isolated. It was quite literally all the feels and happy struggles, but struggles still and then I had such an inspiring musical end.

After the concert I had a weird, miraculous event that I can only hope was some good karma after a strange week. I had walked my friend to her car in a neighboorhod I knew well. I had just had a kind homeless man tell my tired self that I looked beautiful while walking back to the parking garage at my work complex, which is apartments with retail space. Before the show I wanted to take the least amount of stuff with me, so I took off my car keychains, and my key card for my office. I thought, I don't need to get back into the building anyway, just into the parking garage so no biggy.

I had done this once before with no issue but had my whole purse and entered through the lobby. This time I didn't need all the extra stuff. I had just text the sitter that I would be exactly on time as predicted. The night had gone as I expected which was such a strange comfort. When I ran into the parking garage, they had lowered a gate and locked a doorway I had never even seen before. It seemed to have a weird punch code with numbers. And I didn't have my key card to get in through the building. It was locked in my car, behind that gate. Oh my gosh, HOW WAS I GOING TO GET IN TO GET MY CAR TO GET HOME.

I had thought quickly on my feet and called my friend immediately thinking, okay worst case she can get me home to the sitter, we could get my car tomorrow and I'd have to write the babysitter a check or get her cash tomorrow because I locked my money safely in my car so it couldn't get lost or stolen at the show. I dialed my friend and got 3 rings in. Someone pulled in to come into the garage and the gate opened, I followed them in. It happened to be the resident that parked exactly in front of my car and I mouthed a relieved "Thank you" to her while she was on her phone.

When my friend picked up the phone after I had scampered past the huge gate, I said, "I thought I had an issue but I'm good now." I rushed to get out as if worried I'd be stuck and on the drive home was just praying thankfully. I thought, I would have been there forever waiting. Or had to make my friend drive me home. Or pay for an uber. WOW. How weird that I didn't know they had a main gate, I'd never seen it closed. I didn't have my key card, which I always do, and a car pulled in to let me in as I had almost begun to panic. WOW. I felt like the universe gave me a pat on the back after the musical therapy as an affirmation that things would keep being muddled through and I would prevail.

Music has always been a form of therapy but after last night it just reminded me that I'm at my best when I'm around live music. My voice is hoarse today, I'm exhausted and look haggard but it was all worth it for the dose of musical serenity. I feel blessed. It was worth every dime for the babysitter and every extra yawn. If you ever want to know me well, take me to a concert, it nourishes my soul to be around music and especially a good crowd that appreciates it as well.

With that said I hope to lock in an early bed time as my party days are numbered but feel so blessed to have had last night as another part of living my best life in the books. I may not have gotten a ticket stub, t-shirt or bumper sticker but I got the full concert experience and had some good karma after. Now back to reality. 

Lessons In Mindfulness: The Struggle Is Real

It has been suggested to me that I benefit from Mindfulness Exercises. You can actually Google and YouTube these. Stopping to be mindful, even with simple meditation is difficult and exhausting. I am just one of those people whose brain is like a hamster on a wheel. It never stops. That's why I obsessively work out at times because I put all my mental energy into the workout and then am so exhausted my brain just stops to let me sleep. 

So the mindfulness thing is quite the challenge. So I found this song: 

When I put this song on, I just immediately start yoga breathing and slowing down my thoughts. Something about the piano and that there are no words. It's just so gorgeous. 

I found this song from one of the last scenes in my newly beloved series, Big Little Lies, and I don't know if it makes me mindful because it ties together all of the trauma of the story line, if I can replay the happenings along with it or because I feel connected with all of the emotions portrayed during the tune's accompaniment to the story. Maybe all of the above but when I'm driving, or first thing in the morning with coffee, or before I go to bed, I can just turn this song on and STOP.

So I've kind of morphed it into a meditation of sorts to just feel. I've recently discovered that I've kept so many of my feelings at bay just, off to the side, swept under the rug that I kind of need to allow myself increments to just "feel the feelings." ALL THE FEELS.I think music has always been that gateway for me.

It's hard to stop and do anything for myself for 5 minutes. I have buyers remorse for a cup of coffee. But I'm working to get to a place where I can carve out this time daily and be okay with it. 

Clearing your mind, or at least clearing my mind is such a difficult achievement. It takes so much, almost like using the force, in my humble opinion. I have found that I can reconfigure myself during this time to be more peaceful and positive, however, which is super important. 

Any music can make me slow down but for whatever reason this one just triggers reflection time, and I love it. I hope you all can enjoy the song but I'd love some feedback on mindfulness from anyone else who has utilized this practice. I should probably just get back into yoga but everything costs money and I'm over here trying to be frugal and financially smart!

Rock on readers and try the mindfulness thing!

Yelling At Your Children: Why Do They Only Hear Certain Decibels?

For being such a short person, I'm freakishly loud. Being loud is natural to me. It's like I've had to make up for my legitimate shortcomings so I'm just boisterous and turned up volume-wise. This is very much like Monica on Friends, by the way; the similarities are uncanny.

However, when I yell, I YELL. It all started with the dog. You gotta blame the dog! Dogs are like training for kids only they don't talk back as much, or so we thought when we got our pug. He was and is a great dog for the most part but when I've yelled, I've yelled very loudly. As someone already loud, just imagine my volume when I need to be...louder. I can reach different cities I bet!

I don't think the real kid-yelling phase started until Luna was about 2, and mostly it was out of "Be careful" and not so much in scolding. The car accident knocked me down a peg or two in terms of perspective on what is yell-worthy, but age 5 has tested everything. 

You know how when kids need your attention, they say "Mom, mom, mom," continuously for an infinite time? It doesn't matter if you're in the bathroom, on the phone, concentrating on something, reading or literally speaking to someone else standing in front of them, they must have your immediate attention. As moms we can drown it out to a point but then they raise their voices and at some point, and then, personally, I crack and the mom loud comes out! Like a mom mega-phone.

My daughter is too much like me and when the TV is on, nothing else is happening. I'm just in the zone when I'm into a show, and so is she if My Little Pony is on. Then the attention-getting voice goes from its normal tone, to louder than said TV program and finally to, "YOU NEED TO HEAR ME NOW BEFORE I TOSS THE TV IN THE TRASH."

And I swear they only hear you when you're so loud you feel like you're screaming in a horror movie and then they get upset that you're loud. It's such a weird cycle. Now, I don't know about any other moms, but I always immediately have this gut check of "Aw man now I've completely wrecked her for life and need to start saving for therapy because I yelled too much!," so then I go apologize.

In the past 2 years I've actually started to be brutally honest with my daughter when it comes to life things. "Mommy was mad because daddy hurt her feelings and then she was just sad for the day." "Mommy needs to not watch Daniel Tiger for another hour but have a little time in her room." "Mommy is hungry and cranky and done with today!"

She seems to respond better to this than any time I mimic her tantrums whether to actually mock her or because I myself am at that mental breaking point. Sometimes the teasing is a distraction she needs and loves. Sometimes she just gets mad I'm teasing her. We fight a lot, we're mom and daughter.

You read all these parenting books and hear all these ideas from other parents about how yelling is harmful and such, but then you just reach your boiling point and it's the only trick you have left. I am mindful about it, but sometimes as moms, you gotta just yell! 

I don't remember being yelled at unless I was seriously in trouble, but I remember fearing the "yell" to the point where I would tread lightly. My daughter doesn't seem to do this. She just kind of physically cowers when the loud comes out and I always remind her that I don't yell to scare her, I yell to grab her attention like I would if she were far away.

One thing that yelling does is create that fear, which I struggle with. I don't want my kid to be afraid of me in the sense that I'm an enemy or "Momster." I want that respect kind of fear like, "Don't mess with mom!" I think we all do. As women, sometimes I feel that we just want that power of, "I'm super nice until you cross me, and then fear my wrath!" 

Think of all the memes that portray this for "Resting Bitch Face" and the "Mom stare" for when you need your kid to know he or she is in trouble but you're out in public trying not to create a scene. It's all so ridiculous, but it's what we do.

Yelling is even ridiculous if you think about it, but it's what we do. My daughter yells at me too. In that way, we have the perfect relationship. I'd sit here and devise a resolution to not yell, but in most circumstances it's almost like a reflex; I barely realize until my voice is getting hoarse. Other times I can scale it back and I do. 

I truly believe that, like dogs, sometimes your children can only hear and respond to certain decibels and as moms we have a natural talent for hitting said decibels to command attention. Most other moms that are "yellers" like me, have the same sentiment of "Why do I HAVE to yell!??" But it seems to just be some kind of primal and natural thing. 

And, as someone who is just naturally loud, being told to take it down just provokes me to want to be louder, much like my child being told to use her "inside voice." What can I say? We're a work in progress. After all is said and done at least we were heard though!