Trying On Clothes Is Not My Favorite

In a fit and purge a few months ago, I ditched most of my clothes. No, I did not watch "Tidying Up," but I did get rid of plenty that did not "spark joy." While this was freeing, it also left me with some limitations. We have had two weddings to attend this year and weddings scream, "New dress."

I will out myself as nothing less than "cheap." In years before baby, shopping was my cardio. I longed for the stuff. As soon as I had a baby and had all the baby stuff, my stuff got old, neglected and uncomfortable. I feel like I've downsized and reprioritized a lot over the years, but it has definitely left me with less to choose from. In some ways this is great, and in others it can get stressful.

I recently fell back in love with Old Navy. They've had amazing styles and prints this season, and with the sales things are very affordable. Also, if they get trashed right away, you didn't pay much so it's not the end of the world. Target's fancy layout remodel and fashionable trends have also been fun to explore, so I've shopped there a lot, too.

I love me some TJMaxx and Marshall's but you have to have some serious, non-distracted time and no expectations for that kind of adventure, which is pretty rare for me. There are a lot of styles that are "cool," right now that don't fit my body type, sad but true. So I'm kind of in a weird place with it all.

The other day after slaying two workouts and having a gym buddy say I looked like my workouts were paying off, I was feeling slimmer and stronger. I thought, "Yay, I'm getting my confidence back a bit." I started dressing a little cuter, and was trying to take my body back in a sense. Knowing I had to have something newer for this upcoming wedding and our weekend free time was dwindling before our trip date, last night I took the time to hit Target.

I window shop online and Jumpsuits and Rompers are "so in." I got a Romper last year but when I ballooned back up into my discomfort zone, that thing was out of any rotation. Plus it made me feel like I was trying too hard to "look young." My best friend and I also created a fun game where, because rompers only compliment some body types and are not for everyone unfortunately, we started pointing out "Rompers" versus "Wrong-pers." It was like our own, "Who wore it best," or "Worst Dressed" list in US Weekly. It may sound catty and unfeeling but we're actually way less mean, or intended to be less mean, and are more silly about it I should say. I have been the victim of "wrong-pers" often LOL. I wish someone had told me!

Yesterday I got to Target and picked out a few things. I tried the regularly priced "nice things" and then hit the clearance rack for my favorite cheap finds. With a few choices, off I went to the dressing room to figure it all out. First of all, it was like the worst lighting ever. I felt like the Walking Dead. Then, just the trendy, skinny kinds of styles made all my self esteem shrink.

So first we have this gem above here. I loved the fall fashion, and the colors were good, but the long dress was not happy with my short body and it hugged my curves in the wrong way. This was not wedding-worthy. My hair was a mess and I have a zit popping but whatever. I didn't feel amazing either way, but I still posted this on Instagram because, meh, I was trying to stay lightened up.

Then we have the ROMPER/Jumpsuit threefold up here. This thing is my color, but I just kept staring thinking it wasn't really complimentary. From the side with the proper "suck it in," so then I would also need some new Spanx, it was okay at best. The front view left me very unsure. 

I found one other dress for the magical price of $9.00 in my other color, which is a golden yellow, and it fit really comfortably, and complimented my shape well, so I bought it because it could be wedding-worthy or but mostly because I can have a $9.00 new dress. The Romper up there was $30.00. I bought it, and was even able to get myself into a small after another try on sesh, not pictured, because I thought it would help the frumpy areas, and took the dress and myself home. The buyer's remorse from the $30.00 clothing purchase is ridiculous, but I seriously am planning on a return ASAP.

I didn't put it on at home again for other opinions, but this morning between my daughter chasing me, my routine closet stare where I figure out today's outfit, and then just my revisiting what I already own I thought to myself, "Wait a minute here." I looked in my shoe area and remembered fondly my blue suede boots.

When I was interning in London I spoiled myself with these beautiful blue boots. These are boots I don't get to wear anymore. Florida is frigging hot! Well this wedding is in October in Georgia at night, which will be cooler so it could work! And then I found a dress my mom bought me, lightweight but long-sleeved and could be worn with the blue suede boots, which BONUS, no more shoe shopping, which is also a nightmare for me. I have freakishly small feet unfortunately. 

For me it's not about being cheap, thrifty or even just a matter of laziness. For me, it's about utilizing what I already have. If I can spend no extra money and throw together something decent, count me in. I honestly don't have the time to shop and try everything on and decide on yes or no very often. I'm pretty consistently stressed about money so it all feels mostly unnecessary to me.

From time to time I need new underwear or a new pair of shorts, but I don't just go drop $200 because I want a "new look." That's not a part of my personal life program anymore. Retail therapy was a huge part of my depressive phases 10 years ago. It is something I have grown out of and refuse to return to. There are varying definitions of "need." I know what I need and don't need though now. And there's no outfit I can't live without.

I do love a good window shop. I love a good sale find. Maybe I've just outgrown being a "shopper." It's not something I do for pleasure but rather out of necessity. Even when I've had a day to shop and "money to burn" so to speak, I always think that money could be put to better use in the end.

After some serious reflection, I feel more grateful towards my body. I feel more grateful towards my growth and adult-ness in terms realizing that I don't "need" to do extra when I have what I need. I have an appreciation for the lessons I've learned over the years. I feel grateful for WHAT I HAVE. This has not always been the case, but being able to say or type that, is a complete and utter Wednesday "wisdomous" win. 

The Big Ten

On June 14th, 2009 my husband and I were married in Oregon. Yup, we lasted a decade and hit the big ten everyone. Pop the champagne!

Since we had the baby, anniversary stuff has been extremely low key but for 10 years we decided we needed to do it up. Actually this happened only about two months ago that we agreed to make it a weekend worthy of time away.

My husband and I recently reflected on where we've been the last 10 years and I don't mean that geographically. To put it lightly, we've been through some shit. Most of you might say, "Ah, yeah the car accident and everything." Nah, that's only wading ankle deep in the shit.

Ironically we started uncovering the layers of what's been happening with friends and family and have gotten mostly warm, understanding and concerned support and reminders that we have people around us that love us. One particular response, however, is so painfully ironic that I just keep replaying it in my mind and to sum up, the response to our big ten was a reminder that it likely won't get much easier.

Some of you will laugh and scoff saying that's not exactly supportive of how far we've come. For those of you that know me quite well, you can understand my interest in just how ridiculous it all is. If you want me to put it politely, things have been generally okay. If you want the raw truth, the past 5 years have been the toughest we've ever been through, nearly leaving us completely broken and irreparable. However, we've been working our asses off not to get to the low point, or close, again.

We've overcome a lot of personal battles, spousal battles, and parenthood battles, all of which have made us even stronger, but were challenging, hurtful and sometimes unfair, nonetheless. So, this weekend isn't about reaching some random number. It's about look at what we've done the last 10 years only to this year, yes 2019, be the closest we've been since our wedding day, to landing on our feet.

Don't get me wrong, our wedding wasn't perfect or flawless. The best man forgot the groom's suit and didn't realize it until 40 minutes before the ceremony was set to start. One of my bridesmaids had to make people completely re-do the table set up. One of our friends showed up like 3 hours late. It was a pretty normal wedding actually, but it was OUR day. 

We've gone to some pretty fancy weddings, and we always admire their ability to plan so far ahead and have such amazing detail. I just wanted a day to celebrate with the people I loved, and to look skinny in a great wedding dress. Goal reached. Oh and a cake from my favorite, legendary Eugene Oregon bakery. Also, goal reached.

No one tells you that no marriage is easy. No one tells you that getting help is always a good thing. No one tells you you'll go through periods where you don't even like your spouse. You just love them because they are yours, but you don't have to like them sometimes.

No one tells you that you can grow into adulthood separately to the point where it can create a rift. No one tells you how much parenthood changes your entire marriage. No one talks about financial issues making you go to bed angry and not speak for days. No one tells you about any of the shit, just the cupcakes and rainbows.

It's as if we have to lift the veil and share our wounds before anyone else comes out with their marriage woes. It's like in Wizard of Oz when they drop the house on the wicked witch but you have to coax out the munchkins like, what am I walking into? 

I honestly have no expectations that things will be easy. I am cautiously optimistic that we've gotten through some rough waters and have some slightly sunnier weather ahead. I'm sure we will continue to work on things and grow and communicate so we actually like each other. For me personally, the love part is easy, but always liking the person you've married, especially when they are being quite un-like-able, is the hardest. 

In true form, the last few months in healing I have quoted Parks and Rec over and over, with some serious Ben and Leslie goals:

These two are important, especially at the end of the day.

What we're doing is a big deal for us. We are going away for one whole night. We are staying on the beach in a nice place with privacy and quiet, we are having a nice dinner together, and we are just going to enjoy each other with no child in our midst. 

In truth, we probably have 2 to 4 date nights a year, and I'm not over-dramatizing at all. Usually we have to be in Pennsylvania or Oregon to warrant being away for even just a night, let alone anything more. Taking this time for ourselves is huge. This is such a big deal I've told almost no one about it, so as not to jinx or ruin it somehow. As if sharing my excitement could spoil the fun, but mostly it's not about anyone else but us.

It's been a rough handful of years, so for the big 10, we're ushering in 10 more and hopefully rekindling what we need to make it less volatile, stressful and stormy. We love us some thunderstorms, but I'd much rather enjoy them with my hubby than weather them at each other.  

My wisdom after 10 years of marriage is this: You're going to be horrible to each other, you're going to have really dark moments, but don't give up the fight. If that is the person you want to fight with and annoy, keep annoying them, don't disappear. Remember that divorce is never a bad thing because happily married people don't get divorced, generally, so if you're fighting the good fight, you don't really have to worry about that part. I intend to keep fighting the good fight for as long as he's around to fight with.