Detour From A Diatribe

I just deleted two paragraphs worth of veiled complaints. Why? I don't want to be that person. I sat in therapy and spoke about formative moments. My therapist called me out on why I might be so sensitive to people deemed "complainers," and why that might be a trigger for me. Not today, complaints, not today.

Staying grateful can feel really intense. Life can be incredibly wobbly at times. It doesn't, however, warrant bitter diatribes and forgetfulness of how lucky we are to be in it, here and now.

It started with something simple, and kinda stupid. Vans emailed me that the full Nightmare Before Christmas collection was available. I've been a Tim Burton fan as long as I can remember. I loved Edward Scissorhands and Big Fish, Beetlejuice, and everything about his directing. I found it all darkly beautiful. Nightmare Before Christmas has lived in infamy on this list. My make-up bag is Jack Skellington. I have watches and jewelry with Jack and Sally. I have the soundtrack on vinyl. Our version of Elf On The Shelf is "Sandy Klaws" aka, Jack Skellington dressed as Santa.

Anyway, it's a beautiful but extremely expensive collection and Vans have always been my coveted and go to shoes since I can remember. All of mine have since been destroyed by wear but I loved them all literally to pieces. I'd love a pair, but they are completely out of the budget and I'm sure they'll sell fast.

At first this really got to me. I never really buy myself non-essential items that aren't coffee and I rarely spend more than $30 on myself for anything. I get a pair of running or gym shoes a year, and occasionally a re-up on clothes but I do so with as little money as possible. I am frugal to a flaw almost, aka cheap. 

So I had my whiny moments. I was trying to "math out" how to get them, but alas, nope. Plus I knew I would buyer's remorse them if I walked out of the store with a bag and receipt. I can't handle spending that kind of money on something so non-essential and I get upset when I spend money on myself.

I'm sure this all sounds overly dramatic but this is part of my anxiety. And definitely a struggle when it comes to my depression. I used to shop when I was sad often. Sometimes with no care for the fiscal consequences. Well, since baby and job changes, I have put myself last-er than last and shop no more. My mom has no concept of living within your means and pushes "new" stuff on me and it's just a heavier reminder of "don't do that."

I get all my weird rationality quirks from my dad. My dad will wear the same jeans, shirts and underpants for a decade but will drive a brand new car and never miss an event deemed worth doing. My dad also never goes on the cheap when it comes to FOOD. My dad used to literally repeat "Just because it's on sale doesn't mean you NEED it."

Last year was the first Black Friday I've ever shopped in my life, and I just got presents for the kid and stocked up on shoes for her to go through because they were super cheap. On average my husband gets about 3 to 4 times the "whatever money" I do weekly. I always put my "luxury" wants on the back burner and always will.

I had started this whole bitter diatribe of why shouldn't I get to have the damned shoes and thought, WHOA WHOA WHOA. You gotta stay grateful and in the moment. So many people don't have what we have and I'll be damned if I take it for granted.

Because life is hilarious, it's not even actually about the shoes. That's the thing. The shoes are just a metaphor for me feeling completely overwhelmed and trying to keep it all together. If I'm being completely honest about current situations in life, I'm feeling as though things are about to get more complicated and I'm extremely stressed.

It's all coming to the surface in my obsession with the having of the shoes. Let me explain. In my youth I worked hard to get what I wanted and I've carried this into my growth. So if I were 20 and I wanted those shoes, I'd pick up 3 extra shifts and go get them, wearing them proudly until they disintegrated off of my feet. In my adulthood, I don't have time for such frivolous things. I'm a salaried gal and I have important financial goals I need to achieve for my sanity and those shoes don't fit into the mix.

Mostly all of this is a big ass mourning session for the loss of my youth. I've got a 6 year old, almost 7 year old daughter, a mortgage, car payments, credit card debt to pay off and responsibilities out the ass. I'm pining over old concert shirts, old mix cds and Tim Burton shoes. Part of me thinks if I can dress the part I can be 22 year old Alison again. I miss adventures and being carefree and fearless. I miss napping when I wanted and watching 6 hours of Netflix drinking cheap wine and having Chinese Food delivered.

So deep down I think if I spoil myself with some custom Vans, that pre-soon-to-be-soccer-mom self, will arise and come back to keep growing, transitioning, struggling Alison company as she figures out all her shit. It's a beautifully painful realization. 

I took a detour from the diatribe because I wanted to be better than that. I endured a recent negative social session or "bitch sesh" if you will and it completely ripped me apart. I've been distracted and obsessing about unanswered texts and planning play dates to take away from all the adulting I must do. 

Complaining is the easy part. It's the easiest coping mechanism on the planet. Often we don't even have to think about it. Riding out the waves after are wipe-out is considerably harder. Staying positive when you're wobbling and feeling as though life is murky? That's difficult. So I took a detour from the diatribe and ended up here, possibly enlightened? I'm a bit unsure. The beauty of it is, I'm happy to be unsure about where I am and what to do next because I'm positive it is part of the process. Somehow there is less stress and more gratefulness in knowing that I don't have to have anything figured out, but instead just enjoy my Friday and push through. 

Trying On Clothes Is Not My Favorite

In a fit and purge a few months ago, I ditched most of my clothes. No, I did not watch "Tidying Up," but I did get rid of plenty that did not "spark joy." While this was freeing, it also left me with some limitations. We have had two weddings to attend this year and weddings scream, "New dress."

I will out myself as nothing less than "cheap." In years before baby, shopping was my cardio. I longed for the stuff. As soon as I had a baby and had all the baby stuff, my stuff got old, neglected and uncomfortable. I feel like I've downsized and reprioritized a lot over the years, but it has definitely left me with less to choose from. In some ways this is great, and in others it can get stressful.

I recently fell back in love with Old Navy. They've had amazing styles and prints this season, and with the sales things are very affordable. Also, if they get trashed right away, you didn't pay much so it's not the end of the world. Target's fancy layout remodel and fashionable trends have also been fun to explore, so I've shopped there a lot, too.

I love me some TJMaxx and Marshall's but you have to have some serious, non-distracted time and no expectations for that kind of adventure, which is pretty rare for me. There are a lot of styles that are "cool," right now that don't fit my body type, sad but true. So I'm kind of in a weird place with it all.

The other day after slaying two workouts and having a gym buddy say I looked like my workouts were paying off, I was feeling slimmer and stronger. I thought, "Yay, I'm getting my confidence back a bit." I started dressing a little cuter, and was trying to take my body back in a sense. Knowing I had to have something newer for this upcoming wedding and our weekend free time was dwindling before our trip date, last night I took the time to hit Target.

I window shop online and Jumpsuits and Rompers are "so in." I got a Romper last year but when I ballooned back up into my discomfort zone, that thing was out of any rotation. Plus it made me feel like I was trying too hard to "look young." My best friend and I also created a fun game where, because rompers only compliment some body types and are not for everyone unfortunately, we started pointing out "Rompers" versus "Wrong-pers." It was like our own, "Who wore it best," or "Worst Dressed" list in US Weekly. It may sound catty and unfeeling but we're actually way less mean, or intended to be less mean, and are more silly about it I should say. I have been the victim of "wrong-pers" often LOL. I wish someone had told me!

Yesterday I got to Target and picked out a few things. I tried the regularly priced "nice things" and then hit the clearance rack for my favorite cheap finds. With a few choices, off I went to the dressing room to figure it all out. First of all, it was like the worst lighting ever. I felt like the Walking Dead. Then, just the trendy, skinny kinds of styles made all my self esteem shrink.

So first we have this gem above here. I loved the fall fashion, and the colors were good, but the long dress was not happy with my short body and it hugged my curves in the wrong way. This was not wedding-worthy. My hair was a mess and I have a zit popping but whatever. I didn't feel amazing either way, but I still posted this on Instagram because, meh, I was trying to stay lightened up.

Then we have the ROMPER/Jumpsuit threefold up here. This thing is my color, but I just kept staring thinking it wasn't really complimentary. From the side with the proper "suck it in," so then I would also need some new Spanx, it was okay at best. The front view left me very unsure. 

I found one other dress for the magical price of $9.00 in my other color, which is a golden yellow, and it fit really comfortably, and complimented my shape well, so I bought it because it could be wedding-worthy or but mostly because I can have a $9.00 new dress. The Romper up there was $30.00. I bought it, and was even able to get myself into a small after another try on sesh, not pictured, because I thought it would help the frumpy areas, and took the dress and myself home. The buyer's remorse from the $30.00 clothing purchase is ridiculous, but I seriously am planning on a return ASAP.

I didn't put it on at home again for other opinions, but this morning between my daughter chasing me, my routine closet stare where I figure out today's outfit, and then just my revisiting what I already own I thought to myself, "Wait a minute here." I looked in my shoe area and remembered fondly my blue suede boots.

When I was interning in London I spoiled myself with these beautiful blue boots. These are boots I don't get to wear anymore. Florida is frigging hot! Well this wedding is in October in Georgia at night, which will be cooler so it could work! And then I found a dress my mom bought me, lightweight but long-sleeved and could be worn with the blue suede boots, which BONUS, no more shoe shopping, which is also a nightmare for me. I have freakishly small feet unfortunately. 

For me it's not about being cheap, thrifty or even just a matter of laziness. For me, it's about utilizing what I already have. If I can spend no extra money and throw together something decent, count me in. I honestly don't have the time to shop and try everything on and decide on yes or no very often. I'm pretty consistently stressed about money so it all feels mostly unnecessary to me.

From time to time I need new underwear or a new pair of shorts, but I don't just go drop $200 because I want a "new look." That's not a part of my personal life program anymore. Retail therapy was a huge part of my depressive phases 10 years ago. It is something I have grown out of and refuse to return to. There are varying definitions of "need." I know what I need and don't need though now. And there's no outfit I can't live without.

I do love a good window shop. I love a good sale find. Maybe I've just outgrown being a "shopper." It's not something I do for pleasure but rather out of necessity. Even when I've had a day to shop and "money to burn" so to speak, I always think that money could be put to better use in the end.

After some serious reflection, I feel more grateful towards my body. I feel more grateful towards my growth and adult-ness in terms realizing that I don't "need" to do extra when I have what I need. I have an appreciation for the lessons I've learned over the years. I feel grateful for WHAT I HAVE. This has not always been the case, but being able to say or type that, is a complete and utter Wednesday "wisdomous" win. 

The Clothing Purge, Podcasting And Predicaments Of Free Time

I have been podcasting daily, mostly catching up on my favorite, "ArmChair Expert" with Dax Shepherd. I've started some kind of strange spring cleaning thing, without having watched that "Tidying Up" thing on Netflix so I'm proud of me for not needing that, and tomorrow I will have an excess of "free time," that I am slightly anxious about how to handle. Let's get this Friday going!

I had stared at my closet often this week just kind of looking at things, mostly in disappointment. It wasn't that I didn't have enough or that I wanted a shopping binge, which is odd for me, as for many years shopping was indeed my cardio, but rather I just had so much I didn't even really wear. 

Oddly enough I remembered each occasion for which I bought stuff and so much of it, I just don't have the reason to wear it more than once. Church is way less church-y in terms of dressing these days, and I don't go out to dress up worthy functions so these dresses my mom decides I must have are very unnecessary. I used to wear dresses to work, but I'm way more comfy in my expanding obsession with leggings. 

I just kept looking and asking myself, "Why do you have all of this when you wear almost none of it? Some of it looks old and raggedy too! Just get rid of it!" So I started to fill multiple bags with things and it was freeing. 

Last year I passed on dresses to my nieces because, while I always donate to St. Vincent de Paul, I wanted to know who would extend their love to gorgeous, quality clothing, for another fashionable round. I do have one of those bags for them awaiting a box also. 

My next project is purses. I have so many beloved Betsey Johnson bags but I rarely switch out purses anymore. My current one is a good year and a half old now because I rarely treat myself to "unnecessary" things. It's time for them to move along as they are just collecting dust.

As far as podcasting I haven't found many that really resonate or keep my attention, so I've stayed with the familiar and am just playing catch up. I heard a snippet from an installment called "No Feeling is Final," which was a telling introspective of someone's depression and internal battles that was so amazing but I couldn't find the installment in it's entirety so it fell short. I tried some NPR ones and they are also lacking for me personally. The crime ones are okay but I much prefer a kick ass documentary.

The free time predicament is so new and strange to me. I guess we're entering that stage where I will be able to do more things now. I saw some meme about not having kids with the intention of never being around them, we're meant to watch them grow blah blah, but can we face it please? Both the children and parents need a break from each other every once in awhile and it's okay. 

My daughter is 6 and I think I have spent in total, maybe 8 nights away from her? And they are almost exclusively her being away from the house with like her dad on a Disney trip, or a sleep over with family when we travel. It's kind of crazy.

Tomorrow she will be at a day camp for like 9 hours. I never have a day to do whatever I want with space to clean or go for a long walk or work out or nap. No truly, I never have an ENTIRE DAY. I get a few hours when the husband takes her to a party solo or when I go out with girl friend but a whole day? And on top of this, the husband is working his last day of a 10 day stretch so, I honestly don't know what I "should" be doing. It's kind stressing me out!

I had written a post about do I be social or do I just do whatever I want and how I should spend my time but now it us upon me and I'm like huh...seriously, besides work out and clean...what do I do?

I think this week has been a mental wrestling match for me with a lot of time to gather my thoughts and kind of, position myself for certain things to unfold. I don't just mean that in reference to the last season of Game of Thrones, by the way, but in general. I've been working a lot on my self care, new routines and figuring out a lot of really personal things, so I think the podcasting, the purge and the unknown "to do list" of free time issues are a reflection of that. 

This week has been pretty...okay. It's been relatively calm and with good strides in most avenues, I will admit. Sometimes the calm makes me more unhinged than the chaos, as I've also divulged previously. I consider every baby step in the right direction, at least a STEP in a positive direction to say the least. On the eve of an unknown day I just plan on tackling today, and then this evening as well as I can, and then moving on from there.

I've felt grateful to all you readers these past few weeks and especially in taking the journey with me. We're going to keep this momentum going. Thank you all so much for your time and commentary. Happy Friday!