Evan and Alice: The Unauthorized What If, What Would Have Been, Bizarro World Story

I give full credit for this idea to my friend. She sent me a screen shot of two older redheads and said she found the very doppelgangers or other world versions of myself and my now ex-husband, on a weekend day at Costco. I told her to go befriend them and ask their names as though they could be possibly close to Eben and Alison, something like Evan and Alice. She told me to write their story, like a futuristic version of what could of been if we'd stayed married. And things started to come together.

I immediately remembered that epic Seinfeld episode, with the "Bizarro Jerry," and for the past couple of weeks the pieces of this "would be" story have just been following me around in bits in pieces.

The screen shot was of this slightly older male and female, similar builds to myself and the ex, in line at Costco and suddenly I saw what would have been my future, through what I'd imagined their day shopping was like. And just like that I am writing again. 

Before we get into this, I need to stress how much of this is a re-imagining. While some moments will be based on past experiences, events, moments, feelings and anxieties, I mean in no way to paint a distinct image that whatever happens in the following is indeed a first person depiction of my actual marriage. The following story is a musing, or rather a way for me to write out what may have been a future path, but by no means is based on anything more than ideas and fictional characters. So while I appreciate you reading, don't read too much into it. If you feel triggered or have questions, just reach out. 

Alice stood in line at Coscto, mask on, with a full cart, zoning out a bit at the end of the shopping experience. As Evan shot past her to leave her to the payment part and him to the part where he got his quintessential Costco Chicken Bake. In their 20's, Evan's obsession with getting a Costco Chicken Bake was cute and fun and you didn't have to care about your health. Now it was one more thing Alice had convinced herself was contributing to her theoretically growing ulcer. She was convinced one day she'd keel over from some silent, stress induced illness, or at least be confined to a padded room for a week or so one day. 

She watched everyone scramble to get their bulk goods and was almost up to the plexi-glass protected pay area. She stared into the cart. She always thought they got so much food and then somehow didn't have anything to eat. She wasn't prepared for the damage. She remembered her uncle calling Costco the $600 dollar store when it first came out. He always said you couldn't walk in there without spending $600.00 and she'd smile at the memory of times with her uncle then see Evan eyeing expensive things and cringe and take a deep breath. 

The whole experience of Coscto, became less and less fun with age. Evan never listened to her about the budget or her list. So as soon as they pulled into the lot, Alice's tension was rising. All week, calculating, recalculating, and reworking the budget. The texts and conversations about, "Okay we can spend this much," went out the door as soon as they walked in together.

Evan always went for the flat screens and technology. "I want, I need, we should have." Alice's stomach started to knot itself up. "Don't say anything sarcastic," she'd hear in her mind. She always wanted to yell, "Well if you made more money you could buy all that shit, but we are in debt because of all the other shit you bought that we didn't have money for." All that ever came out of Alice was "Uh huh, maybe that would be nice," or "Maybe for Christmas, hun."

She'd mentally start calculating how she'd ever find a way to get that for his "Christmas" birthday. Evan's birthday was January 1st and at the forefront of their relationship he'd told her that his parents always lumped it with Christmas so he never got a real party or real celebration. It then became Alice's lot in life to make the distinction and basically make it up to him that his parents let him down. Looking back she knew she'd done this to herself by being such a "good girlfriend" and "people-pleaser," that turned into the complacent wife. Now she mentally noted which TV got the best Evan review. Maybe she would find a good sale.

Fifteen years of marriage was just weird. They knew everything about each other but had nothing in common anymore. They barely watched the same shows. They never liked to meander Costco the same way either, so Alice often just followed Evan's lead to avoid another post-shopping excursion argument. Alice diverted the crowds in Costco much like she diverted years of brewing arguments with Evan, with an eye roll and a change in path for the moment.

They went past the clothes and blankets and Alice scanned quickly. She knew she'd "buyer's remorse" and immediately return anything she got as soon as they got it home and she went other the budget again. Then she'd just have to make another trip. On they went.

The next area was the furniture, which was ripe for the beginnings of an argument. "Ev, I love that dining room table. Isn't it so pretty? That's not even that expensive," Alice commented. "We don't even sit at a table to eat. You barely eat a real meal anyway and you don't cook," Evan responded. Alice felt the sarcasm and sass kick in and put on her game face. "If I had a nicer dining room set up, I might be more inspired to sit down and use it though," Alice replied.

"We're barely home two nights a week together you keep the kid so busy and you never stop until you crawl into bed with a salad and then go to bed early so when would you use this $1,200.00 dining set? You wanna drop $1,200.00 get the damn TV. At least we'd watch the TV. Get you a bigger one for the bedroom so you can eat your salad in front of The Office in peace," Evan went on grumbling while Alice reverted into reviewing the list and pretended the whole conversation never happened.

She shut up then and directed them into the frozen section after what felt like a 5 minute eye roll. He'd beaten her down with truth and now she was tired. They never ate together because Alice was so often depressed she barely had an appetite, but she couldn't really say that out loud. Most nights after work, and after school care for the kid, then sports, and then feeding the kid and doing homework, she could barely remembered to feed herself. Evan might have been right about not needing the dining set but she still wasn't getting him his TV. He wouldn't win that way.

The next few aisles were all stressful commentary by Evan the caterer about what was better priced at Coscto versus Sam's Club, what the kid wouldn't eat, what he refused to meal plan, and what he needed around for late night comfort food. Alice was just hoping she could find some decent snacks for lunches and grab her favorite protein shakes. Evan was always on a mission.

After he loaded the cart with what was on Alice's list, and then another $50 worth of stuff they couldn't afford, Alice wandered the pharmacy aisle. She'd often pause at the weight loss supplements, always wondering if she'd dare to buy and try one. After the mental talk down of why she wouldn't waste money on it, she'd just re-up on kids gummy vitamins and allergy stuff. It was then she spotted the fresh flower end-cap and found herself smiling, but in a sad way. Alice secretly loved getting flowers and she couldn't remember the last time Evan got her some. Maybe a couple years at this point. 

She'd stopped and zoned off again when Evan caught her. "Did you get the Advil?," Evan asked. "Yeah, it's in there," Alice assured him. "Where!?," Evan demanded. "It's in there!," Alice raised her voice and noticed a couple people glanced back. She kept walking with the cart, Evan followed behind making no effort to hide he was annoyed with her. She found her spot in line.

"I'm going," Evan started but Alice interrupted, "The chicken bake, yup. I got it." His ditching out for the grand total was dodging the responsibility, or so Alice had decided. She watched everyone ringing everything up and then started her usual stressing about the entire contents of the cart, secretly planning what she might return if  it came to it. In fifteen years their marriage came down to Costco drama as the best metaphor for their relationship.

They couldn't make it through a single trip to Costco without some kind of disagreement. Alice dreaded these joint shopping days, but it was their futile attempt at quality time. She much preferred to go alone and stick to her exact list. Her world was lists now and she found comfort in them. She made lists of the budget, what they could afford, what they couldn't, where they could go for a vacation, what she needed to clean, what she needed to remind or ask Evan about, where the kid needed to go or what she needed to get done. Alice's life was lists. 

The worst of the lists included the lists of the things Evan did routinely to upset her but she just put on the complacent smile and turned on The Office for the 9,000th time. If she lived through the comedy of Dunder Mifflin life seemed less bleak. She paid the huge bill, on a credit card of course, met Evan with his Chicken Bake and off they went. When they got to the car, Evan decided he couldn't help much because he didn't want his Chicken Bake to get cold.

Alice slowly unloaded the cart and returned it. Evan turned on the car, blasted the air conditioner and picked a CD before Alice could argue. She took a moment of peace walking back from the cart return to the car. It was an amazing 90 degrees out and as much as live frustrated her, she often reminded herself how lucky she was not to live in cold, damp, gray places anymore. She got into the car and immediately got chilly.

"Can you please turn the fan for the air lower?," Alice muttered. "I don't know how you're always cold," Evan said. "Must be your cold, cold heart," he poked her and smiled as if to tease. He said this to her regularly. Around year five of marriage it became less cute and far more mean. She now just smiled and nodded hoping he would just listen to the music peacefully and finish his Chicken Bake. 

When they got home and unloaded everything Alice went and sat on her bed a minute. She heard Evan reorganizing everything she just put away and she fell to her pillow. She was so tired. Evan came in and saw her resting. "Oh Costco wore ya out huh? You're done for the day?," he asked. For a brief moment she'd thought about saying something snarky back. She couldn't handle anything more for today. 

Alice put her hair up and then said, "Yeah, I just needed a minute. Thanks for going to the store with me." Evan gave her a snide smile, "Yeah well if I had stayed home I'd hear about it. I picked the lesser of the evils I guess. You're not that bad to be around." And that was Alice's whole outlook on life from the view of a day with her husband at Costco. Maybe her and her cold heart weren't all that bad to be around. 

Alice started a list for their next Costco trip and stared at the sun again from the kitchen window. These were the moments she held close to her and zoned in on in long lines, traffic and disagreements. Evan propped himself up in his recliner to watch cooking competition shows and Alice sat down to make her lists. 

And so it was their story, that Alice and Evan lived...ever after to be seen combating Coscto for decades more of marriage. 

A Normal Family Evening?

Yesterday was an anomaly in our household I feel. Perhaps if I explain this via the blog, I can better understand the phenomenon myself.

I left work insanely early for a dentist appointment. Not only did I get there on time and was taken almost immediately back, everything was fine. There were no complaints, no, "You should probably spend a thousand dollars on THIS." It was pretty painless and only took 30 minutes of my day. It was then I ventured to Target.

Yesterday I had to buy my child what will be her last car seat. It's a weird, bittersweet feeling and although she is 6 and a half and nearly 70lbs I am that mother who makes sure we follow the guidelines for car-seat safety rigorously. Going to Target for this was weird. I went to a Target I used to frequent when she was as baby. It was a store I knew well and used to love. Now it seemed unorganized and scattered. It was out of what I wanted and it was really obnoxious actually.

When I came home to finish up work stuff, my computer was being pretty horrible honestly. It wasn't working in a timely fashion and I ended up using my phone. To my pleasant surprise, my phone worked flawlessly. Had I known this, I could have saved myself a lot of stress. Now it is noted!

My husband actually rested well on his day off AND managed to knock out a bunch of chores we needed done. He then sent me to the gym for another round of punching, picked up the kid and made dinner so we could grab grandma and venture to our favorite haunt, Cold Stone.

We don't do this stuff, especially on weeknights. I don't say that lightly. We don't "go out" on weeknights. And when we stay in the schedules get lax or moved around to the point that things often go awry. I usually hide in my room and let the husband run the show. Yesterday he was on point and kept us on task so much so as to leave enough time for us to start my new favorite show, "The Righteous Gemstones," on HBO.

It was an oddly well put together evening and we all slept well and had fun with each other. Again, this isn't any kind of routine occurrence for the house of Chriss. I don't mean that to say we are a bunch of crazy, mean people who just can't stand each other but quality time is so hard to come by, as is pensive, agreed upon planning.

We have such crazy schedules and so much to do with not enough time to do it, so snagging an evening like that one was like a diamond in the rough. We talked about movies to see at Thanksgiving. We talked about our days and things we wanted to do this weekend. We laughed a lot. Even my mom was pretty tolerable.

These moments are ones I carry closely now. Time seems to be moving faster and faster and I'm more awake, aware and attentive now. The other night I was putting away laundry and spied on my daughter singing a song to the TV and then talking to the dog. She won't always be that cute.

My husband was gloating that he'd completed an entire chore list and started and finished a full laundry cycle without being asked or prompted, and instead of a sassy remark I high-fived him and said thank you.

I had an important conversation with my husband about some triggers and discomfort and where I was with certain weekend routines. We had time together that was real, and uninterrupted, which is rare for us.

This random list, is kind of a big deal in my world. No, it IS a big deal in my world. I realize some people have these things in place and just ease into these moments as no big deal but in my current place of healing and growth, you have to be so grateful for the little things because they make big things feel even bigger!

Someone I admire greatly once told me "Normal is what you know." He said this to me when I was wishing for a "normal family." The normal that I know now, comes leaps and bounds from a dysfunctional normal from a few years ago. I'll take what I can get and stay grateful.

I always say we're "traditionally untraditional" for a family meaning we kinda do our own thing. We have found what works and we keep it moving for us, but that semblance of "normalcy" last night was pretty amazing and I want to revel in it a bit.

We have an upcoming storm watch for us Floridians and when Irma hit, that was rough for our anxiety, our bank accounts and our sanity. This time we are communicating and ready for anything and that is the closest to normal we've ever been!

Blogging should stay consistent through Friday and the rest we'll have to see about as things culminate. Monday is a holiday regardless but we might be having some crazy weather. 

Dining Out With My 6 Year Old Is Stressful And I'm Done Pretending It's Not

We live in a weird time, especially in terms of family habits and meal routines. I was raised with the idea of, "What is put in front of you, you eat, like it or not." I now live so grateful that anyone would cook for me that I eat everything, even if I in fact hate the food. When I studied in London my host mom made steamed white mushrooms with everything. Add enough salt and pepper and I stomached them, no complaint. I detest regular mushrooms.

My dad made me eat green beans so much that to this day, I never make or order them; I would never pick them on my own. When I was growing up I used to end up eating two dinners because my dad would feed me before I played at the neighbors and they ate later than us so when I went over and was asked "Do you want to join us for dinner?," I was under the impression it was impolite to say no and not partake.

I have no such rules in my life or house. We rarely eat together at the table, but more often in front of the TV. And I have inadvertently made the habit of eating in my room whilst doing chores. Why? Is it being busy? Is it being lazy? Is it just really bad habits? Is it not caring? It's probably a weird mix of them all. We sit down for dinner with friends and on holidays. We sit down for actual meals on occasion, but if I'm being honest? We're in a kid food conundrum and we all eat at different times and have completely different schedules.

I always feed my kid before I feed myself. I eat completely different foods than she does. I ask often if she wants to eat together and if she doesn't really want to, I don't force her. We have never had much of a budget to go out to eat in any regularity and I learned quickly that in my daughter's current culinary phase it's a waste of time and money.

If the mac and cheese looks or tastes "different," if the breading on the chicken isn't right, if the cheese on the pizza isn't what she wanted, if the hot dog is weird, she won't eat it. So I spend $10 or worse on a stressful time out, where I'm arguing with her, scarfing down my food while I can before she won't sit still, and then I leave with leftovers for her or us both that either further go to waste, or I have to reheat and stomach myself later on. This is not my idea of a good time.

She does better out to eat with my husband but the older I get, the less and less willing I am to risk my time and more-so my money on some culinary caper that could figuratively and literally backfire. I also just don't like monitoring my child to the point of insanity and the whole technology at the table thing as a distraction doesn't sit well with me if we are making an attempt to GO OUT and have "quality time." She can sit in front of the TV at home, why take a mini TV with us?

When we do sit as a family, we talk and joke and eat and then clean up. But there are nights when just her and I sit down and I'm watching her eat, forcing her to get done before she can watch TV and then it's more stress than to just let her watch HER shows, with HER food, while I go be productive or maybe relax in my room. It's okay to think this isn't the best system, because I hit my wall with it and then we end up back at a table or restaurant for more trials. This is just what works. For us. For now.

On vacation the eating out thing just wrecked me. I felt fortunate to have my best friend willing and able to feed my child at their house, and all of the things she loves, with no argument and perfect negotiation skills. We ate all meals at the table, and my daughter loved every moment. If I'm being real, my husband is only home for dinner two nights a week, and he cooks separate things for me and especially for her. She always wants, "daddy's grilled cheese." When she's with mommy it's usually quesadilla time.

She's difficult because if you go to anywhere that isn't Chili's, Red Robin, Panera ( and Panera I can at least enjoy) she might just go on a hunger strike or just ends up eating all french fries and no protein. I stopped torturing myself by taking her out to eat because I can't stand the negotiation. We don't have those issues at home TV dinner or not, she just eats and then clears her plate before asking for dessert.

You can read this and think I'm a bad mom who needs to re-evaluate habits but I've written before about how dinners by the light of the TV were my staple with my dad when my mom left, so they feel okay, and natural. My daughter and I do chores and homework to earn our relax time and as you can imagine her being done with things always precedes my finishing up my "to-dos," so feeding her first never feels like I'm slighting her.

As far as going out to eat, when you're married to a chef you get very stingy with not getting what you pay for when it comes to meals. I almost exclusively dine at my husband's restaurant maybe once a month because I know exactly what I'm getting. I'm also a weirdo in that I have no issue dropping $300 on a gourmet dinner but if I go to Red Robin, feed 3 people for $70 and get sub-par, mishandled food, I get completely irate and go back into hibernation.

Perhaps it's because that $70 is half of a week's worth of groceries, which would be no hassle compared to a crummy meal and handling 6 year old whims out in the world. Hence, I can justify it, and any restaurant worth spending $300 is probably serving the real deal so I can handle that better. Regardless, I have officially stopped pretending that my daughter's stressful dinners out thing is anything but actually stressful and I'm finally in a good place with it.

On vacation our first lunch was a huge flop for her and we even made it her way. I was so anxious. We had to pre-feed her before a wedding, AND before a gourmet dinner out because rather than order and have her not eat it, at least we knew she ate. In New York we ate at Panera twice in 48 hours and she did not enjoy an actual NYC slice of margarita pizza because the cheese looked weird.

It's not worth the stress of me arguing with her at dinner. It's not worth the energy taking her out honestly. I really dislike pretending my kid is that "perfect kid" at restaurants. In fact, going out to eat is kind of a racket anymore, in my personal opinion. You will find some GREAT places, but I'm much more confident in my Chik-Fil-A, Panera and say Tijuana Flats purchases than a P.F Changs, Applebee's or Outback Steakhouse purchase. I at least know my child will carb and protein load at the aforementioned establishments.

I'm very much done doing all that to myself. In every sense, it is not worth it and pretending it doesn't  affect me negatively is equally as stressful. So much like my general "not doing what I 'should' be doing" phenomenon, I am very much over making this unnecessarily harder for myself.

It is in my mindset to better implement dinner table dinners, but last night we were all watching Spiderman together, each of us eating comfy in the living room, laughing and enjoying full family interaction. To me, it is convenience and comfort over "tradition" and routine. I remember not being able to wait to finish my meal and getting away from the table to get back to whatever I was doing, so I think my "cheat" of in front of the TV eating experiences cuts down on that in a weird way because she's already where she wants to be.

I'm also starting to own my war wounds. After a tumultuous handful of years and finally grasping some calm, I don't really want to fight for things that are more maddening than helpful and that increase both my daughter's and my own anxiety. Her comfort is her quiet time with her shows and movies and her favorite food, which she gets exactly from me. I always feel better when I'm lost in visual storytelling and drama as opposed to forcing uncomfortable dinner interactions with family over a race to clear your plate.

In this mode of healing, I don't feel bad that we are still developing good things and memorable routines. We have plenty of time for family dinners out and table dining when she's ready to commit to the moment. For the 6 year old attention span right now, I pick my battles carefully. And as for this Friday, I continue to push through to more growth and continue my journey, no matter how weird, how "unconventional" and how lackluster some of our habits may be. Here we grow!

The Disney Days

One of the most magical things about living where we do in the colorful, lawless swamp of Florida is we are only about 90 minutes, give or take traffic, away from the happiest place on earth, yes, Walt Disney World. When my daughter was turning 2 and was still free admission at Disney, my sister in Oregon insisted they come down and be there for her first visit. Thus started 3 more years of Disney magic, memories and adventures.

In Florida, residents can get a pass and pay on it monthly like any other bill. This gets them into Disney whenever, depending on the pass level, includes parking and they get additional discounts. If you use it enough it definitely pays for itself. This was like a challenge to us; we wanted to get our money's worth!

We had some of the most amazing times those few years. Oddly enough the Disney trips were always the bright spots when our family was going through our worst emotional and mental times. There was a 6 month period of time when we went every other Sunday and told people we were attending the United Church of Disney. It was a fun thing we always looked forward to.

Some days the trips were for the kiddo. Some days the trips were for mom and dad, depending. Ironically no matter how annoyed we were with each other, no matter how stressful life was, we managed to put all that behind us and just get incredibly lost in the magic of it all. We would watch the other families and the ones that came from far and wide and feel grateful that Disney World was in our metaphorical back yard.

My daughter always loved meeting the characters. My husband and I loved the whole "Tetris" scheme of fitting in the character meets between fast passes and rides and navigating the parks. We had it down to a science at one point where we knew how to pack food and snacks, how to pack water and where and how to buy treats when necessary. One treat was always the Mickey Ice Cream bar and there was a 5 month period where my daughter managed to get one free each time we went. I think she was just that cute.

We were that family that couldn't have a bad time at Disney. We always saw one family at Disney just irate and miserable and it always made us a little more grateful. We always pushed past our exhaustion for the fun. We had more patience at Disney than we did on any other day, and we always made sure each one of us got to do something we wanted that day or overnight.

We found favorite places to stay, ones that were only okay, and made amazing memories and have wonderful stories to tell. We've been without passes almost 2 years and I'm itching to go back. What can I say? I'm a Disnerd.

In my childhood when everything was sucky, my dad took me and my best friend whose life was equally sucky, if not moreso, to Disney World and we still hail that at the best trip ever, until we took all of our girls there 2 years ago and made dreams come seriously true.

I'm really missing it lately and I don't know why. Things are so calm with us. We are on a strict budget and kicking butt. The reason we stopped was because we couldn't afford it at the time, but also my daughter wouldn't try any of the big kid rides and point blank told me she was too impatient to wait to see the characters. We've been on a hiatus and I may cave as a Christmas present to myself. 

When we had passes we had so many family members say they didn't know how we could go all the time. It was pretty easy because we made it a bunch of mini-vacations. During that time we couldn't afford flights places and didn't have paid vacations so little overnights and adventures were all it was about to get is through the year. We made the best of what we could and we always made each other laugh. Something about that theme park atmosphere that took all of our anxieties and put them to good use in being organized, thoughtful and productive.

When we were able to take my best friend and her 3 daughters to Disney in 2017 we literally made it a dream vacation and did it well. They had the best time ever and it will forever be a memorable adventure. I'd never felt so happy being with a bunch of people at Disney. We all had our fun and rode coasters and traded who rode what with whom, and where people sat. We laughed and made fun of things, played games in the line and just had a blast.

I think Disney is just a fun place for us. It's our own little get-away and we have fun being nostalgic and living in the magic. We love the shows, the rides, the characters and the food. I think Disney is our escape back into our childhood but with our kiddo right there so we can all be silly and happy, no matter what else is going on. 

I'm sure other people feel this way too or it wouldn't be such a popular spot but I definitely miss our Disney days. Now we are too busy to Disney it up, or maybe we just need to get it together enough to get it back into the routine. For now I look back at the memories with love and smiles knowing we'll make more at some point. I'll definitely be the first one to crack though. 

The Friend Fade

I've gone on about ghosting and such before, but a long time ago I did a personal journal about what I like to ominously call "The Fade." It is something that used to wear on me heavily and make my heart hurt, but now, recently in fact, I have healed enough to talk about what it all really means.

If you get on Pinterest you can find a million memes and articles about friends drifting apart and ghosting and outgrowing each other and everything to trigger you back to whatever social stuff you went through that makes you a little more attuned to things now. I've gotten sucked into the Pinterest quote and notes and have mixed feelings about whether or not it is helpful, but you can find some wisdom for sure.

I'll share my experience then, and what I have learned from it and how I use it now, and hopefully it can help some others feel less alone.

Before I had my daughter I had a tight knit group of amazing co-workers and befriended someone physically, spiritually and mentally beautiful. She and her family got my pregnant self, my husband and my newborn and infant through our first year as a family and I will forever feel grateful for them and miss them like crazy. Just typing this I'm welling up. They were the best ever.

I think being around them was our first taste of a second family home in Florida and we loved it. I considered her parents to be my daughters grandparents that were close by and considered her and her sister all aunties. They were our second family in my opinion.

Parenthood was rough on my husband and I. There were so many really uncomfortable and unfavorable things at play during that first year as parents and I struggled as a mother to balance everything. Looking back now, I wish I had been more open with my best friend about what was really going on but I can tell you, my family is still healing from some of the pain and trauma from that time period.

By the time my daughter was three my gorgeous Tampa best friend and I were barely speaking much. She hosted my child's first birthday party and was my greatest help and she was gone from my life, just a name on a friends list, a person in the background. At the time it felt painful, awkward and anxious but after a lot of reflection I now understand how and why we grew apart.

Between my friend getting her own adult life with her wonderful boyfriend together, getting away from parental units and getting into school, and with my being a fresh mom with a workaholic husband and no fun money or availability for much of a social life, the shift started easily, although perhaps I was too tired to call it out for what it was. She did so much for me and I miss her daily.

When I was starting to get into my worst, darkest stages, when I was very lost and beginning my year long struggle with job changes, weight loss and adulting stuff, that was when the fade began. I didn't feel abandoned in a time of need, I felt like I needed to let her grow and thrive because she was considerably younger than me and very much allowed to go and have fun and be young without my old self getting in the way.

The fade started with simply changing a lot of plans often, and things coming up. If it wasn't one of us, it was both of us having a hard time scheduling and committing. As I became less available due to family circumstances, it made it easier for her to step back more and more. The tagging on social media posts stopped. The liking of the pictures and statuses became few and far between. The texts went from daily to every other day to once a week to once every couple weeks to maybe once a month to nothing. 

After a few months of almost no contact I scraped together money for Christmas gifts for her and her sister because she'd at least touch base to say thank you, or so I thought. I figured then I could check in and try and talk to her. I messaged her mom to confirm they received them and she sweetly said her sister loved them. I didn't hear anything from best friend about it. Ever. We didn't speak for 6 month after I sent the gifts, until the car accident.

She messaged me and apologized for the lapse in communication. She said she wanted to come bring us lunch. The day of the plans she fell ill and couldn't come. We did the whole, "another time," song and dance well with each other. I may have messaged her some well wishes about having no malice that we just didn't fit in each other's lives anymore. The cancelled lunch plans, however, that was the last I ever heard from her 3 years ago.

We're still on each other's social media but I check on her and she seemingly doesn't check on me. The people who knew us as besties say they are surprised that we don't talk anymore. I sent her messages just saying, "I hope you know I think the world of you and wish you well," and such for awhile but then just wanted to let her be.

Sometimes I wish I could write her a letter and tell her about how messed up things were and how I wish I had been more aware, awake and engaged with her to be a better friend. I wish I could say I understand how and why she outgrew me but all I want is good things for her and wish we could check in from time to time. I wish I could apologize for not being more present for her issues while wrapped in my own. But I realize that things turned out how they should, whether I like it or not.

About a year after we stopped speaking I realized how badly her exit had messed me up. I spiraled into a very dark, self-hating, world-hating, negative place. It was a learning experience I needed to have. I needed to make the mistakes I made to get me to where I am now, but it still was shitty. I found the wrong kinds of friends on the "rebound" from losing her, which somehow made it all even worse.

Sometimes I think she knew it all. I think she saw me kind of starting to wither and maybe she just couldn't do it so she just politely excused herself from the table and never returned to dinner. I often find myself wishing I could tell her that I'm okay now; I'm better and still working on my growth.

I cry typing right now because I hate that my daughter only has small memories of all that my wonderful ex-bestie and her family did for us. I hung onto so many silly things from her just because I liked remembering when we were good and close and happy. I talk to my daughter about her on occasion. I like to remind my daughter that she has always been surrounded by good people and love, even when we had rough times. 

The friend fade is rough though. She's not the only person it has happened with but I feel like with the rest of the situations, people have moved onto new cities, bigger opportunities and different horizons but we still do that check in on social media or text where we just say, "Hey I'm so glad you are doing this," or "Congrats." Her and I don't even have the check in. We don't have anything anymore, and that still breaks my heart a little.

If she reads my blog, which I highly doubt, then now she knows all this stuff. If not, the hippie part of me just wanted to put this into the universe because it's part of the healing and growing process.

I've experienced other versions of the fade as well, some with a friend return, and others with a complete ghosting effect but none of it is an easy thing. I don't think I'll ever stop wishing we could feel closure with things. I will always want that kind of resolution, but I'm smart enough to realize that's just not how life works. 

My other sad musing is that, we lose out and experience the fade because we hit rough phases of life that we are so engulfed in that we can't adequately share and reach out to those we need the most during such trials. Maybe it is age but I feel like, we often have these friends that we just hold close that we claim are our "everything" and "always," those people that we will never picture our life not having around, and then they move on and we look back fondly but realize that we can actually live without them, perhaps we just enjoyed things more when we had them by our sides.

I lost a lot of good people that I was very close to during my family trauma. I'm just now owning most of it, and finding my way to talk about it with everyone that survived all of my whims and flakiness in the midst of it all. There's been so much shame and regret to work through but I can now have some real conversations about it. 

I still hold hope she'll message me one day. I've seen it happen with other friends and I will always hold hope, even if we're 80, that we can reconnect. I've made peace with the fact we probably won't. To quote Pam Beasley on The Office, "And it only took 3 years to summon the courage."

Losing my previous Tampa bestie has made it easier for me to endure the whims of other friendships and learn how to balance the positive and negative aspects of those relationships too. I've learned that I have to walk away peacefully knowing that, I put the good vibes out there for a friend but they must return and reciprocate by their own free will. I can't make them be the "kind" of friend I want or need in that moment, that day or that situation. 

Losing her has made me appreciate the longevity of other friendships like my Oregon friends from college and my two oldest friends that have known me since Kindergarten and 3rd grade from Pennsylvania. We still talk regularly. Losing her has made me grateful that I had someone like her to call a friend at all. Sometimes it is more bittersweet than other times.

I've seen some sappy articles about this on social media but this one is from the heart. Some of you will know exactly who I wrote this about, and those of you who have never heard me mention her, now you know why. 

I will always be grateful for the role she had in my life. I feel blessed that I knew her when I did. I feel blessed I can still see her on Facebook and Instagram and know that she is doing okay, thriving even. If you have ever lost someone like this, it can trigger many different reactions and emotions. It happens to more people than we can imagine, and it's often a tough tale to tell, but for today I'm glad I shared mine. 

Planning Plans As A Planner

The nicest way I can put it, I am a planner. Maybe to a fault, and sometimes it can end up with an over-booking flake out situation because I plan too much. Out loud I would never admit I could ever "plan too much," but the blog is okay.

I have the hardest time "relaxing," and few people would even call me "go with the flow," but I can plan with the best of them. I'll book dinners a month in advance, book flights and VRBOs 6 months in advance, budgeting, Googling what to do and some such. Daily, I mentally plan how my day might evolve, especially after work such as "Walk dog, fix dinner, fold laundry, kid in tub," etc. 

My dad and I poke fun at each other because we both feel we are at our best when we are in our controlled spaces, cleaning, arranging and following our own productivity routines. Sitting around and doing nothing became extinct when I had a baby. I'm not alone on that one, I feel like moms always have extra to do. 

Planning is a weird controlled sense of calm for me. It's as if when everything is arranged then I can trick myself into relaxing. Life sneaks up on you to where we are busy and consistently adding more onto our routines so we get into this grind of "Well once we get past this," or "after this month," and we keep this false promise of "things will be less crazy." It's just life, we take things as they come.

With the husband's overbearing work schedule I've had to loosen up on the planning stuff a bit. I'm very careful not to plan more than a week in advance unless it has nothing to do with him, just because things are so unpredictable. His schedule can change on a dime. 

It's been quite a practice, especially mentally. We have an upcoming trip so I am in planning mode hardcore. I have had to book my dad's flights, get with others to confirm flights for hubby, kiddo and I as they are Christmas gifts from my uncle with too many frequent flyer miles, had to ask to crash at multiple houses, borrow an air mattress, pre-pay the rental car and book multiple hotels. It's an adventure and we don't leave for 3 weeks.

I do well when I plan. I feel accomplished. I thrive. Leaving things "in the air," is much more difficult for me but I'm making progress. I think for me the flexibility kicks into high gear when it comes to my self-reminders that I can't make anyone fit into my wants, needs or expectations, but just hope that we can come to a truce. I can't force a text back. I can't will someone else to "plan better." I can't make people communicate as I see fit. I just have to do what I can with what is in front of me and hope for the best.

I definitely prepare for the worst. Mentally I exhaust myself considering the possible scenarios and making peace with them. I think this was born out of a bad trip last year where so much went wrong and I watched my husband just lose his mind and I hit this mental epiphany of, "Why are you so angry about stuff you have zero control over." We can't make the rental car people change their policy, but we can have a booking agent help us amend the reservation to meet their needs. We can't make the traffic move, but we can let people know we're running late and to order without us. We cannot make the plane land, de-board, and leave on time. Not even a little. We can enjoy walking in the airport and get extra snacks while not crammed on a plane and we can also never book Spirit airlines again haha.

He just became so unhinged and it was so uncomfortable to me. Never am I the calm one. At this sensitive juncture in our marriage, our work lives and at a family event he just couldn't pull it together and I just stood back in awe of what I felt like was such wasted energy and anxiety over so many things we just had no say in. 

Although the important things are planned on this upcoming trip, nothing else is. We will literally do whatever. I've made reservations for only the necessary things and just want to enjoy stuff as things come along, and be with my favorite people. That's all that matters. 

I can't make anyone want to hang out. I can't make people show up and do stuff with us. I can only say "Hey we will be in town, let me know if you want to hang out." This is has been a rough lesson that has really only come into full understanding this past year.

Last year on our epic Oregon trip, we had visited with some people that I consider a second family. Since having my daughter their family has gone through some shit, and the parents separated. I know both of the parents well, and always looked up to them but in going through some of my own hard times, while I commiserated greatly, I had my own stuff to deal with and only had so much I could really handle as just a visiting situation.

When visiting I kind of watched someone I loved a lot going through a dark place and it hit too close to home and I was ill prepared. I had mentioned seeing her again but saw the other half of their family that same afternoon. She was mad at me for seemingly picking sides. Considering where she was mentally, it didn't bother me that she got mad at me. It just made me sad that we left and I barely got to see her because she let something like that trip her up.

Since then I've kind of had to approach so much of my life, especially during my healing, as "There is only so much I can do in this situation," and kind of leave the rest up to the other party and the universe itself.

I plan a lot, daily, weekly and so on. But there is so much in life you can't even plan for as much as you may try. Accepting all of this stuff, as a planner, is no easy task but it's something I plan on continuing to do!

Family Boundaries Are Beyond Difficult

Family stuff is hard. And that's putting it lightly. I can think of about 4 different family members I've been estranged from for sporadic periods of time, and most of it just has to do with alienation in the midst of negative life circumstances. Now, it's all about boundaries, and cultivation of what matters. 

I used to work really hard to keep family connections going. I am the queen of the check in or "pulse checks" to reach out. I will send birthday texts, sometimes cards, and just want people to know I'm thinking of them. I recently had dinner with a good friend and we went over some serious family hurdles, and I think they are just more and more indications of a "coming of age," type thing.

My husband and I get a lot of crap for moving far away. But what people, especially family members, fail to understand is that physical proximity doesn't necessarily increase the quality or even quantity of family time spent together. We have cousins that live 35 minutes away and we see them, maybe once every 3 months, maybe. We've flown across the country and have been unable to visit family whose town we were 10 minutes away from, all because of their lack of reciprocation of our reaching out to see them.

Family stuff is insanely delicate too, but in all of my personal work, growth and transitions I have learned that not only are boundaries completely okay, but completely necessary. In the process of being honest with myself about how bad and traumatic things have been for the past handful of years, I've had to tell my immediately and extended family, "Hey, I'm not really a horrible piece of shit, I've just been having a horrible piece of shit time and haven't handled it well." I've pissed a lot of people off, but that's par for the course anymore.

I've had to out myself as truly not being able to afford flying all over and staying for long periods of time on vacations. We don't have the means for all that. I've had to admit that things were not as the cutesy posts on Social Media made them seem, or as bland as I made them sound. I've had to be really open, which has been a struggle for me.

I think the worst part is you want your family to just rally behind you and say, "Oh my goodness, how can I help?" However, the reality is, they all have their own stuff and are in differently places than you are so, expectations are usually moreover disheartening. 

My friend said some seriously insightful things about how when they moved away it was implied that since they moved it was their responsibility to come back and visit. I felt that, hell I still feel it, hardcore. She also said that she had to have someone point out that when you get married and have children, that's your family that you are responsible for. So if the other extended family members are making your hubby, children and especially yourself miserable, why go out of your way for them? That one hit me like a ton of bricks.

Don't get me wrong, we have family that goes above and beyond for us, over and over and over. It's not unnoticed or unappreciated. There are others that when you reach out to, may not respond as you'd hoped, and this has been my struggle and my wake-up call. As I've had to apply to friendships over and over and over again, I've now started applying to family members the boundaries to keep me less anxious in these relationships. I can't make anyone respond the way I wish, not even my own family.

I wish people would come visit us and see Luna's world. We finally have a real bed, real guest room, real house to welcome guests. I wish people wanted to dine at the restaurant where my husband has just been promoted. I wish people wanted to come enjoy our company. I've invited many a person with many kinds of circumstances and guess what? That's literally all I can do.

I can't make anyone appreciate what we've overcome to get where we are. I can't make anyone appreciate my husband's talents and hard work. I can't make anyone appreciate my ridiculously awesome child in her own element. I can just open my door, and open my heart to anyone who wants to come around.

With that said, when we do visit, I refuse to break the bank and I refuse to sacrifice my family's and my own personal comfort, just to be a team player. I've done that too much. I've eaten whatever has been served to me, whether I like it or not, and seriously suffered, all to not be called "a snob" because I married a chef. I've endured discussions that make me uncomfortable or feel unwelcome, all to remain neutral and not be "the bitch."

Call it growth, call it aging, call it adulting, I'm okay with being the bitch if you aren't respectful of my parenting, my health and comfort, and my family. I've been through enough lately than to willingly tolerate hurtful things from people who don't contribute to my realm. And that isn't meant to be read as, "If you don't buy my kid presents, I don't have to deal with you," please. What I mean to say is, if you don't call and check in on my household and make the effort to be a real part of things, even in the smallest ways that you personally have the capacity for, and then are hurtful to my family on top of it, I feel like you've given me no reason to perpetuate the relationship. Why constantly be alone in my efforts? I've done enough by myself and now I want to rebuild my immediate family life with togetherness.

I've been awakened to a lot of things I've put up with as "norms" that don't have to be that way. I'm working on so much within myself, my marriage and my family that I just can't bear the put downs or even blind ignorance. Boundaries are very trendy, and I'm all in.

Family stuff is immensely difficult. It's easy to say this, to write this and to idealize it but putting it into action is hard and emotionally exhausting. It is definitely a step closer to peaceful living, or so I've discovered. And remember, family is family and maybe someone is going through their own stuff and needs your support. You can reach out with no expectations and keep an open heart always, just don't lose yourself in the process, or at least give it your best effort not to.