What's With Today, Today?

It's been a weird day for me, I'm just going to put it all on the blog. Not in a bitter way, but, more than just a case of the Mondays, it's just been such a weird day.

So I hit up boot camp of course but then re-routed my routine a bit for getting ready for work, which was totally for the better, but between texting and catching up with people from the weekend and just some mental heaviness, I just feel like "What's with today, today?"

I've started and stopped writing about ten different times, trying not to wax on about a diatribe, just trying to think things out. I'm not sure I have any conclusions.

Today I'm consumed with adulting, trying to plan finances, trips, life, and appointments. Today I'm talking to friends about real things and having strangely deep conversations while I'm at work and it's slow. Today I feel tired.

We had a big weekend, no doubt but sometime all those exterior things in life just catch up don't they?

I'm the type of person who feels like I can carry my weight and then one day I have to have all the feels and maybe a sad day; a watch Steel Magnolias and cry kind of day. I don't care who you are, if you can watch Steel Magnolias without balling, you have no soul, just a side note.

And I don't necessarily feel sad today but I feel a little "wobbly" which is my new favorite word. I have my dad in town and my husband making some waves of change and my daughter just turned six. Am I allowed to wobble right now?

I remember a few years ago after I did my first Savage Race it was this huge wave of emotions. You work hard for months getting ready, you go through this 7ish mile thing, your body hates you, everyone is proud of you and you just return to decompress. For me, my friend had my daughter and my husband was going to unpack our house after we'd just moved. It was not at all what I expected. Not even close. And then I got quite ill from all the exertion and such and was in a haze until I hate something real.

It was two days after I was getting ready for work when I had the stove on for coffee and I was just so, done feeling. I didn't hear it boiling over and was trying to handle the baby and not completely awake and my husband was like "Whoa, what's going on!?" It was then I just realized after such and intense weekend that my mind and body were just kind of defeated. And I think there may be a hint of that in the air today.

Having my dad back down here 6 years after he was here for the birth of his granddaughter and watching this huge pile of sass take on the world is just something else. Not to mention normal growing pains. And I mean that for her, and for us as a family.

I've been pretty open about coming out of a rough rough area recently, which I'm sure will be better explained in future posts. We still have 10 months of this people. But watching the growth and being supportive but cautiously optimistic can take a lot out of you. And it's very much a delicate subject for anyone going through major life challenges and trials, and still taking everything that one step at a time, one day at a time.

Life is such an emotional rollercoaster that I think on days like today when you're met with this weird "low" you just kind of bottom out and wait for the next phase. I'm back to work today with more fun planned tomorrow just trying to keep my head above water and stay positive. I'm hoping to find some much better inspiration but feel free to suggest away! Happy Monday!

Big Birthday Stuff - Mom's Day Off

It's Luna's 6th Birthday! And here is what that all means for my day.

I took today off. My dad just arrived last night and this morning I dropped off Luna at school, a rarity, and went off to adult. You know you're an adult when you take a personal day from work and you're like, "Oh I can go get the work done on my car!" Nothing like dropping hundreds of dollars on your car on your daughter's 6th birthday but life is life. It just happens.

I also have to take a treat into her class at 2PM, and then pick her up from aftercare around 5 for presents from Grandma. Then tonight is dinner at Red Robin, per her request and dessert at my husband's restaurant, Chocolate Mousse. This is a busy 6 year old day.

I made the mistake of buying a singing balloon...but it is also kind of hilarious. I wanted to be ridiculous and buy her this huge, her-sized my little pony balloon but of course I would have had to drive to the next county to get it. So in comes the singing balloon one. My husband picked up the balloon first in a series of errands and got to hear the balloon sing almost non-stop for the drive. This morning Luna decided she had to punch said balloon to cause the singing. Eventful morning indeed.

When it comes to birthdays, I don't get too crazy. My husband has few memories of anything remotely awesome birthday related. My childhood before 10 was filled with epic parties and themed wrapping paper and cakes and everything. I totally had a Toy Story cake when the first movie came out. But because my husband's birthday experiences were lacking, he always feels like he has to make up for them.

I just like making her feel special. Her grandma bought her a new dress and off she went with her "Birthday Girl" headband to class. She was all about it and I loved just being there to see her shine and walk into school announcing it was her day. 

When I thanked my bosses for the day off yesterday they said, "Of course, you deserve it." I've never had a boss tell me it was okay to take a day off and that I was deserving. I'd always been made to feel guilty or forced to make up for it later. It's making today all the more enjoyable.

So this is my daily blog post and it's not that exciting. Why? Because. Today is about family and celebrating my tiny one. Today is about someone else. Tomorrow I can go back to longer-winded diatribes and all the things. But today, when 6 years ago I had just pushed out a baby, I will relax and enjoy things because dammit, I do deserve it. And so does Luna!

Even Into Adulthood I Still Have Anxiety About Getting My Blood Drawn

I remember liking my pediatrician, hating tetanus shots, but not even going to the doctor very often as a kid. As a preacher's kid, I was constantly dragged to nursing homes and hospitals to visit with the sick and cheer them up, and my mom was a bereavement counselor for Hospice that specialized in kids losing their parents to cancer. I always associated doctors with the "sick" or not well. I never had a positive outlook on things medical, I guess. 

After a year with my mom and no doctors appointments ever attended, my dad took me to the doctor a bunch when I moved back in with him when I was 17. I always hated getting my blood drawn because it always hurt. And often I remember sharing my anxiety about it and getting met with annoyed nurses. No one was nice about it. My veins were and always will be hard to find and it always was so uncomfortable.

My dad used to have to bribe me with breakfast at my favorite restaurant to get me to wake up early and go in without complaint. I would have rather been in class and he knew it. It was always a game.

Now, I can handle pain. I can get tattoos like a champ and I pushed a baby out of me without even a Tylenol, completely natural. My mom said I'd never be able to have a natural birth; the joke was on her! But something about the instant bruising and draining feeling and how uncomfortable the whole process makes me, just causes me immense stress and discomfort. You'll never see me on the Big Red bus, just saying.

When I was pregnant they draw your blood a lot. I remember when they had to do a large draw and I just sat there crying in pain. At least the women were nice about it for once. I made my husband buy me a treat after and then he put me down for a nap. 

This far into my adulthood, and we finally have mostly-decent insurance. We're also at that age where we have to make sure we are mostly healthy. Last year I had to have my blood drawn for a normal panel. They made me fast and by the time I got to the diagnostics place I was hungry and thirsty and tired. I told the phlebotomist, "My veins are hard to fine, sorry." She did the normal routine and said, "Oh honey, don't watch me. Don't. Okay?" I bruised instantly and was sore but mostly hungry.

The next blood test they could only draw from my hand and they instantly blew out my vein. It looked like my hand aged to 94 and it was insanely sore. It stayed bruised for 3 weeks.Not my best experience to day. 

This morning, the third time's the charm, but I just had high anxiety. At first the woman seemed okay and then she got a tone with me because, in my nervousness and anxiety, I'd had only coffee but no food or water because I didn't "have to fast," but was too nervous to eat. Coffee was like a pre-game treat for impending trauma.

Two rubber bands on my arm and the lady was slightly irritated even though I disclosed the hard-to-find-veins issue. I told her my dad used to bribe me. She softened, "I can give you a sticker if you want." I looked away when she poked and prodded, winced and it was completely over, no blown out vein. I said, "You're very good at your job, thank you." She told me to be careful with that arm and sent me off to work.

I don't know why I'm such a wuss about this stuff but I just am. Redheads have a higher pain tolerance and I can get shots no problem, but something about the blood drawing just makes me want to run away forever. You'd think with age it would lessen but it seemingly just stays the same. Even an IV at the hospital makes me squeamish.

When we got in the car accident and my head was bleeding I needed 5 staples. It was only the last two I said, "Ouch, okay OW!" Every other pain I could handle. They even had to practically rip an earring out of my cartilage so I could get all the tests to make sure I was okay internally. I wouldn't even have Tylenol after the accident or take my prescribed pain meds, because I wanted to be alert and could push through the discomfort. And in the mediation for the car accident claim, they said my injuries weren't extensive enough to claim excess medical benefits and basically I didn't get hurt "enough." So I got two new tattoos in some strange retaliation move. One of them really hurt!

It's not the pain. I think it's psychological. It has always been harrowing and uncomfortable and stressful. So I psych myself out and make it a big thing. I'm sure there are people on couches in therapy with the same issues, but for me, I just do what I can to avoid the whole thing at all costs. Hopefully this will be my only poke this year, but I maintain that adulting is hard, growing up sucks, and I hate getting my blood drawn. Oh well, at least I got a blog out of it!

A Day Off Is Never Really A Day Off In The World of Parenthood

It took me a good 6 years to find a job where I have all federal and bank type holidays off and therefore, becomes a family day off. Family days off are either filled with extra curricular activities and parties or chores. Sometimes, all of the above.

No longer having to scramble for childcare, this year we are all home, so naturally I packed my entire morning with appointments and plans. So this morning was boot camp at 5:15AM, Doctor's appointment at 7:30AM, Vet at 9AM. I can conquer all. I was late for the doctor and early for the vet, by the way.

My husband always gives me a hard time for packing our days with all of the things because I cannot relax. It's seriously difficult for me to do "nothing," although as a mother I firmly feel like, "nothing" doesn't even exist. And in my defense, we pack everything into these days, because weekends are too short! There just isn't enough time for all the things!

I'm even taking a day off because my dad is coming to visit and it's my daughter's birthday in a couple weeks and I thought..."I can take my car in that day without it wrecking everything!" This is adulting at it's finest.

Days off don't really exist in the world of parenthood, because when your children are otherwise occupied, you just do all the things that are more difficult to accomplish when they're around. I feel like I can work so much faster, and more efficiently with no little person talking at me all day. It's the sad truth. 

And now as that "Tidying Up" special on Netflix runs rampant, we have even more subconscious "to do's" on our plate. I seriously had two moms I was trying to plan things with and they were working on getting rid of things in the house instead of enjoying the day off by having the little ones play and just catching up. Of course then I was like, "I guess we should reorganize the kitchen today then."

I used to have jobs where if I took time out of my workday for appointments and other adult things, I'd lose hours and therefore money, or have to stay later and make up for it. Now I don't have that obstacle and it makes a world of difference. Not only can I accomplish things on a long lunch or just by leaving early for the day, but I try to leave the family days off like today, for actual family fun. 

Everything is so scheduled, planned out, and timed, I long for days of no rushing with late breakfasts and endless cartoons. I love last minute play dates with neighborhood friends or an impromptu family adventure. I miss Disney days for that reason, often.

But carving out time to just "veg" is harder than planning the things, I feel. At least it is for me. I always feel pressure to entertain my little one by having friends over or taking her somewhere to expel some energy, but lately I've worked really hard on letting her know, it's super okay to just have a "TV" day. During the week we are go, go, go, schedule, schedule, routine, routine so letting her hang and watch some Goldie and Bear or My Little Pony is no different than my self care of binge-watching The Office. 

I also just love everyone being in the house, even if we are all doing our own thing. Like Luna is watching TV and also decorating the house for some Pony-related task while my husband watches Netflix and has lunch and I'm blogging away at the dining room table as my dog whines for no reason. I just like knowing we're all home.

The times when I've felt the most mentally heavy are those when we are all going different directions. Luna and I will be at play date after play date and party after party with the husband working too much and missing out on everything. We barely see each other and it makes things kinda crappy and depressing. It makes me feel like weekends are just a theory and days off are a mystical unicorn that may or may not be real, it remains to be seen. 

Balancing it all is rough. My husband dreams of days where we do nothing and I dream of days where we do everything. Compromise is essential and difficult. My daughter can get bored and stir crazy but I also have to make her just chill because she sleeps, eats and behaves better when she can self care for her almost 6 year old self. Sound familiar? Yeah she is my mini me; we both love to be social but hit our walls when we need self care.

So maybe we don't have the same kinds of days off as we did in our twenties, but we still have time away from the grind. Finding how to fit it all in but also balance will be a constant struggle but I'm definitely up for the challenge. For days like today, I got the obligatory stuff done before anyone was really up and moving around, now we can all just play and maybe throw in a little productivity. 

And for those of you "Tidying Up" everything, more power to you! If you're anything like me, a little productivity makes me feel less "off" than a day off with nothing done. And feel free to post your go to activities and self care routines too!