An Unlikely Best Weekend

This past weekend was freedom after the plague, with no posts again. After an epic therapy session Friday, I realized that my self care game still needs some vast improvement, so if weekend posts become too daunting, why do it? I also just don't have the same easy tools at home as I do at the office. So this weekend inadvertently was the best thing ever, born out of all things unlikely.

The husband has been working 6 days a week. It's been more intense and anxiety-producing than I had imagined. I fashion myself a resilient thing, one to conquer all but I am human. Sometimes things are just crappy, but this too shall pass.

Friday came with a grocery run and grabbing the kid early then home to self care and watch some Hulu, while letting the kid veg out. Saturday was workout then horseback riding. The rest of Saturday was an unlikely success, and one that I'm weirdly proud of.

My daughter is constantly struggling with listening. I can handle a lot. My husband is touch and go with patience, especially with working so much. She was sassy from the Saturday start and I had started mentally compiling and cleaning and organization list for an afternoon at home. I had already planned an epic play date for her Sunday, and made it clear that Saturday was chill at home and get stuff done.

My original image for this was her watching movies and playing video games while I did all the things in the house. However, she had a very, very rough horseback riding lesson and lost her privileges, and that means NO technology - no TV, no tablet, no video games. This is a child's worst nightmare. We sat down to lunch and then I was ready to go. I made her go through and organize her stuff.

I decided also to reorganize my vinyl collection and rock some albums all day. I tortured my kid with my singing of Neil Diamond hits, the Beatles, Elton John, Joni Mitchell, Talking Heads, Dire Straits, and so on. When I was obnoxiously singing Neil Diamond, which I hadn't indulged in in a long time, I thought, this is the shit she will remember. She will be driving one day and hear a song and think, "God my mom used to sing this all the time." I knew this because I recently had those recurring moments and memories with my dad and my uncle Pete. Forever would I hold dear some random Sunday pilgrimage with my uncle where he ran into Wal-Mart to buy my cousins dress shoes for the fancy restaurant we would go to, and came out with a new Temptations CD and belted it out.

I made her read me the albums in organization and we talked about the artists. She helped me wipe things down and move stuff. She got really excited about making the house look nice with me, taking pride in little adjustments. She wanted to report them all to her dad later.

We took a bug hunt walk in between afternoon thunderstorms. We played in her doll house in small increments, in between projects. By 6PM she had done so much and apologized to me for her out-bursts so I let her watch Looney Tunes, also a weird kind of throwback thing, but she appreciated it. She was happy to watch and unwind.

I hadn't been that kind of productive in a long time and it felt so great. We weren't running all day doing whatever, we were cultivating home. There were no time constraints and schedules. There was no "stop and go." It was wonderful, actually.

On Sunday we had a lazy morning with the husband home a bit before running off to work, which was also fantastic. Then her little best friend came over and we did the mom chat thing and they just made messes and had fun. I was still able to reorganize and clean out drawers, finish laundry, change sheets and so on and so forth. It was completely rejuvenating.

I didn't feel like I missed out on anything or needed to go people. I didn't feel like I should go spend money or couldn't do what I wanted without spending unnecessary money. I was able to utilize what we had around and make it work. It felt empowering.

By the time I was done, so was my daughter. We both hid our productivity wall and needed to unwind. We didn't get as much family time with the husband as we would have liked but we did what we could with what we had. Last night we read some chapters together, allowing me to feel like a good mom. 

I realized how much down time I need and deserve, and how much better I do when adequately rested. I realized how well my daughter and I do when we have plans and projects, but also time to just be mom and daughter together. I realized I do really need to work on more concrete self care habits to calm my anxiety and stress levels. It was a good weekend of reflection as well.

Coming off of things being grateful, calm and rested feels long over-due, which is not to say I'm usually ungrateful, but I feel like when things are off their normal routines and you can find that happiness within a struggle, there is so much to be said for that. What a great way to kick off the holiday week!

I Love When My Kid is Sick - In A Non-Creepy Way

I literally had a conversation last weekend with a fellow parent, a dad even, and we agreed that when our kids are sick, we kinda love it. This isn't some psychotic creepy love of sickly children. We just love when they really need us. They want to just snuggle and be calm. They ask you for what they need, there is no time or energy for a tantrum about anything, and they are crazy sweet. So I don't love when my child is sick in like a Munchausen syndrome by proxy way, but more like, they finally slow down and just chill with you.

This is my Sunday, and on days like this, which I'm fortunate enough end up on weekends more often than not, I get a lot done around the house but also get time for myself to reboot. She's allowed to literally watch endless television and the dog is happy cuddling all day with someone. 

It's so funny how things work out. Usually when she's sick I go into panic mode of "I can't miss work!" But, I actually can. At my current job I'm lucky enough that I never get punished for missing work. It's pretty refreshing. Friday I just felt off and was allowed to leave work early. I literally got everything important done before I left. Everything else can usually wait and I feel so appreciative for that.

I cleaned most of the house and it's 11:15AM on a Sunday. I'm already back in my pajamas after a quick grocery store run before my husband had to go to work. I went through all of my daughter's toys and got rid of a bunch of stuff she didn't need. I reorganized a bit. I purged some stuff. I may even go through her clothes and rotate out some things today. I have some sewing that I've been neglecting also.

It's weirdly refreshing when you have time to tackle things. Of course I'll leave steam cleaning the floors last because that I just an annoying job in my opinion. However, it's nice after the week I had to have this kind of day today.

The next week has a few different kinds of anniversaries for our family and can have a lot of emotional baggage, but I'm going at them with all the positive vibes. It's so weird how after everything this weekend, and feeling so ill, and now having a sick kid, I'm somehow in this freakishly optimistic mood. Like I'm just not worried or stressing, but just happy that things are coming together.

I've made it six months of posting and Friday marks the first day I actually missed. I'm proud of that and even though two more posts will be missed shortly here, I still am impressed with myself that I haven't lost out to anything else. These are important moments. Truly. 

So, with laundry to fold, purging to do, bathrooms and floors to clean, I go forth onto this Sunday ready to rock. 

Menial Tasks Are All Me

Am I the only person who loves being given a specific, albeit menial task, just because you know exactly how it should be done, and why? Maybe I am, but there's a certain sense of accomplishment that comes with it's completion, and I am all for it.

I love a good spreadsheet or "search and find" task. Any form of organization makes me feel useful. Watching the hours pass as I type or enter data makes me feel calm. Maybe that's completely pathetic and lame, but I'm always up for a good mind-numbing to do list. 

I like the kind of work where you can't completely daydream but it also doesn't require complete and utter concentration with full attention. I hate being bored or feeling lazy and useless. I hate having to worry about selling things or selling people on the idea of me selling things to make money. I labor much better under the agreement of you pay me, I do the work and it goes both ways.

I've seen this menial-happiness come and go with my jobs. In my nanny days I always wanted to find fun things for us to do, make play dough, read books, craft, go on adventure walks, watch new kid movies and I always tidied up at the end. I loved having control of all the fun kid plans. With my first retail gig at a medical apparel store, I loved reorganizing the displays and even counting inventory. I liked ordering the different styles and patterns of things and entering things into the system. 

At the one restaurant I worked in, I always liked organizing the cash station so I could be more efficient. But when I worked at Massage Envy there was lots of merchandise to arrange, and we had to situate who went into what room when, which was like a weird version of Tetris. I got really good at it by the time I left. 

Jobs where I don't have those things, I get really anxious and I don't do well, or so now I have discovered. When I worked at HSN overnights from home, the things I liked most, were against the "rules." Like I knew that the little old ladies that called me at 1AM to spend their pension on gaudy jewelry just wanted someone to talk to, I also knew that this would allow them to buy more as the conversation went on, but we were to stick to the script, keep the calls under a certain time barrier and move them along. I didn't get into it.

My other two jobs in between then and now, came with more than a few unpleasant attributes, they may be part of my book someday. But now that I have a legit office job with Alison-friendly tasks, I actually like helping do weird things like taking a country club address book and typing almost 900 lines into excel to make mailing labels for my boss and his wife. It doesn't bother me I just put on some good tunes and go!

Even at home, cleaning and arranging don't bother me because I know the task at hand. And then I earn my lazy TV time later in the day so it's easy checks and balances. I think there is a weird comfort there.

Don't get me wrong, I've never turned down a job, because I've always needed to work to like, pay bills and stuff, but we've all had less-than-awesome jobs. Not every job will use our skills to their fullest advantage. We barely use our own potential and abilities to the fullest. 

I can edit, write and spreadsheet like nobody's business. I learned how to research and collect data with my degree! It's not always easy but it always has results, and there's something in there that gives me gratification and keeps me grounded.

I'm learning that I've become very good at tuning out the chaos. My personal world has been somewhat manic until recently. It's been an emotional train-wreck at times. I've seen and even felt it affect me at jobs, both negatively and positively depending on the circumstances. Sometimes I have weathered it well, and other times it's been pretty destructive, especially when I'm working in a position that doesn't allow me to use my best attributes productively. 

I will help with any menial task. Stapling flyers, printing and filing, organizing and ordering supplies, typing, emailing, and researching, BRING IT ON!

I find comfort in routines and feeling control of the tasks in front of me, and I think this is telling in terms of my circumstances. I've been coming to terms with and processing a lot emotionally lately. What I'm working on most is my acceptance that I can't control the actions of anyone else, but just my reaction to what they put in front of me. I can't force ANY relationship to go the way I want to. Not even a mom friend, not even my relationship with my own child. My dog doesn't even always listen to me! But I can control my acceptance of the things in front off me.

This is a daily reminder and struggle. Constant mantras being muttered and internal sorting out of how to deal with all the feels! Because when I go to bed with my new and epic early bed time routine, I'll sleep better knowing I'm okay with how I reacted or with not getting my perfect idea of something, because I did my data entry like a boss, I released some updates faster today, or I came up with better social media hashtags. Little wins are a big deal and anything menial is mine!

Here's to Monday and I'm headed back to my menial research and spreadsheet action. 

Sometimes You Just Need A Nap

I saw this meme that I'm promptly posted that said "I feel like I'm tired already tomorrow." This is me. Always.

Now I thought this was just a part of me as a person. Sleep is my favorite hobby. Alison needs her sleep. I also figured I lost enough sleep during infancy and working nights that now I was just trying to hoard it. Now we know I have thyroid type issues. Or so they surmise thus far. I blame that.

Being resilient doesn't come without waves of exhaustion. My post yesterday was in an exhausted stupor, which some of my faithful readers probably picked up on. And this morning was more "go go go."

Look, I haven't practiced "The Art Of Doing Nothing," since I became a mother. That luxury is not one afforded. And my abilities or even inabilities to relax come in waves. Sometimes my body literally is like, "Bitch you're going to slow down, watch."

This week was a shoulder injury, lots of fun, so heating pad time is a daily routine. I'm still nursing it. And then staying up too late every single night finally caught up to me. Last night I thought I was super clever. I took an Excedrin PM and was asleep by 9:30PM! But then from 11:30PM to about 4AM I was awakened every hour or so by child, dog or husband until I finally ended up on the couch until my 6:30AM alarm to rally the troops for church.

I had an Excedrin hangover haze. Not fun. And then I was so cold in church I was physically uncomfortable, also thyroid related. I was super miserable. When we came home I walked the dog, and decided to "warm up and lay down" for a bit. Apparently I passed out for a little over an hour and woke to my husband assuring me that the kid was content and he was off to work. I guess I needed it.

I'm that person who sees naps as something I need to book in advance, like a massage. Rarely do I get to just "Have one," so sneaking one today was inadvertently amazing.

Of course I woke up in cleaning mode in order to "earn my relaxation" later. I have since done the tubs and wiped down all surfaces while my faithful RoboVac picks up all the floor yuck. My daughter has been crafting and creating and I slowed down to blog it out.

Sometimes you DO just need a nap. More often than not, we DESERVE a darn nap. We work hard, we play hard. We spend too much time doing what we "should" instead of doing what is "good" for us and that's something I am the worst at. Why watch 3 hours of television when you could paint that shelf you've been meaning to? Oh well because sometimes we need a bit of lazy!

I think we are so hard on ourselves and it's hard not to be hard on ourselves as redundant as it seems. It's work, workout, family dinner, bed time routine, repeat in some way, shape or form. I know plenty of people who operate on like 4 hours of sleep and somehow keep kicking ass at life. I, for one, cannot even be kind of nice without my 8. I can function but I'm a mean, mean redhead.

I'm learning that self care is anything BUT selfish, or should be. I'm learning that sometimes YOU JUST NEED A NAP. And there's no shame in that! You're human! We're all humans! I'm learning that boundaries, either with friends, spouses, co-workers, and within yourself are necessary some times and that this is all part of adulting, whether we like it or not.

So I'm going to enjoy the rest of my Sunday even if it's covered in cleaning and laundry. I will binge-watch and relax because tomorrow is back to the grind! Take a nap if you haven't yet! I fully support it!

What Is "Free Time?"

It's President's Day, a Monday, and I am sitting home alone. Okay, so the dog is here, perhaps slightly different. My daughter is in her aftercare program and my husband is at the dentist. I already had breakfast with a friend and have time before I must leave the house to achieve other things. Wait, is this that "Free time," thing I've heard about?

I never have days like this and I mean, maybe once a year at best do I have a day to myself. No child popping in and out or reading my blogging behind me, asking what games are on my computer, or can I get her a snack. No husband asking what I want to do, what should we do or what we "have" to do. Just...time. This is uncomfortable!

I always have plans. There is always something to do! But I cleaned a lot this weekend. I reorganized. I sorted cookies. My robovac is working for me right now. The dog is walked. There is always laundry, but that would only take a few minutes later.

Seriously, what should I do with myself? I could paint a shelf that my daughter has demanded, but that's not actually super essential. I could reorganize some stuff. Also not necessary. So for now I'm lounging on my couch writing this.

I've had friends brag to me about boredom and free time and to me, those luxuries are the stuff of dreams, like when I dream about naps. Oh! Maybe I can take a nap! That would be the best day ever.

Free time just isn't something that happens for me so I kind of think of it as some kind of mystical miracle like, it COULD happen but probably won't. And also, my free time often consists of doing all the other things I just never have time for otherwise. Like shopping for grout cleaner, or getting new wiper blades, or cleaning an otherwise ignored area of my house.

Tomorrow I go back to all kinds of normal routines so I'm definitely just feeling like, "Well I'm going to enjoy this. Yes I am!"

I was able to sneak a nap, although that may have backfired because I'm tired again, but mostly I was forced by other moms and people who know me best to slow down, enjoy the free time and just be for once. I think this goes along with that relaxing thing. I suck at it.

I'm truly the worst there is when it comes to doing anything for myself but considering I'm in some pain from boot camp, it's still quiet and I'm kid free for another few hours, I'm going to do my best to enjoy this whole "free time" thing and I shall even stop typing away. Back to regular stuff tomorrow!

A Day Off Is Never Really A Day Off In The World of Parenthood

It took me a good 6 years to find a job where I have all federal and bank type holidays off and therefore, becomes a family day off. Family days off are either filled with extra curricular activities and parties or chores. Sometimes, all of the above.

No longer having to scramble for childcare, this year we are all home, so naturally I packed my entire morning with appointments and plans. So this morning was boot camp at 5:15AM, Doctor's appointment at 7:30AM, Vet at 9AM. I can conquer all. I was late for the doctor and early for the vet, by the way.

My husband always gives me a hard time for packing our days with all of the things because I cannot relax. It's seriously difficult for me to do "nothing," although as a mother I firmly feel like, "nothing" doesn't even exist. And in my defense, we pack everything into these days, because weekends are too short! There just isn't enough time for all the things!

I'm even taking a day off because my dad is coming to visit and it's my daughter's birthday in a couple weeks and I thought..."I can take my car in that day without it wrecking everything!" This is adulting at it's finest.

Days off don't really exist in the world of parenthood, because when your children are otherwise occupied, you just do all the things that are more difficult to accomplish when they're around. I feel like I can work so much faster, and more efficiently with no little person talking at me all day. It's the sad truth. 

And now as that "Tidying Up" special on Netflix runs rampant, we have even more subconscious "to do's" on our plate. I seriously had two moms I was trying to plan things with and they were working on getting rid of things in the house instead of enjoying the day off by having the little ones play and just catching up. Of course then I was like, "I guess we should reorganize the kitchen today then."

I used to have jobs where if I took time out of my workday for appointments and other adult things, I'd lose hours and therefore money, or have to stay later and make up for it. Now I don't have that obstacle and it makes a world of difference. Not only can I accomplish things on a long lunch or just by leaving early for the day, but I try to leave the family days off like today, for actual family fun. 

Everything is so scheduled, planned out, and timed, I long for days of no rushing with late breakfasts and endless cartoons. I love last minute play dates with neighborhood friends or an impromptu family adventure. I miss Disney days for that reason, often.

But carving out time to just "veg" is harder than planning the things, I feel. At least it is for me. I always feel pressure to entertain my little one by having friends over or taking her somewhere to expel some energy, but lately I've worked really hard on letting her know, it's super okay to just have a "TV" day. During the week we are go, go, go, schedule, schedule, routine, routine so letting her hang and watch some Goldie and Bear or My Little Pony is no different than my self care of binge-watching The Office. 

I also just love everyone being in the house, even if we are all doing our own thing. Like Luna is watching TV and also decorating the house for some Pony-related task while my husband watches Netflix and has lunch and I'm blogging away at the dining room table as my dog whines for no reason. I just like knowing we're all home.

The times when I've felt the most mentally heavy are those when we are all going different directions. Luna and I will be at play date after play date and party after party with the husband working too much and missing out on everything. We barely see each other and it makes things kinda crappy and depressing. It makes me feel like weekends are just a theory and days off are a mystical unicorn that may or may not be real, it remains to be seen. 

Balancing it all is rough. My husband dreams of days where we do nothing and I dream of days where we do everything. Compromise is essential and difficult. My daughter can get bored and stir crazy but I also have to make her just chill because she sleeps, eats and behaves better when she can self care for her almost 6 year old self. Sound familiar? Yeah she is my mini me; we both love to be social but hit our walls when we need self care.

So maybe we don't have the same kinds of days off as we did in our twenties, but we still have time away from the grind. Finding how to fit it all in but also balance will be a constant struggle but I'm definitely up for the challenge. For days like today, I got the obligatory stuff done before anyone was really up and moving around, now we can all just play and maybe throw in a little productivity. 

And for those of you "Tidying Up" everything, more power to you! If you're anything like me, a little productivity makes me feel less "off" than a day off with nothing done. And feel free to post your go to activities and self care routines too!