To Socialize Or To Self Care? That Is The Question!

I'm about to embark on 10 days of 90% parenting alone and being lucky if I grab 20 minutes of conversation with my hubby daily, and then seeing him for all of 2 hours one morning this weekend. #Restaurantlife

At the end of this 10 days I realized my daughter will be at an all day camp for Girl Scouts and I am left open and having a day to myself. I mean this when I say, it never happens unless I'm somehow home, and she is at school. Truly, it is extremely rare. 

Now I am faced with this question: do I take a quiet, uninterrupted day in my own home to be productive and watch TV? OR, do I schedule time with people I've been meaning to catch up with but just haven't found the time? Do I socialize? Or do I self care? Such decisions!

This is what truly stinks about being an introverted extrovert, it's such a weird mix:

Should I recharge or should I go catch up with my tribe? Part of me says, let's see how next week goes. The other part wants to reach out to the people who have been trying to catch up with me and schedule some fun. Oh what a tangled web we weave.

I love my down time. These next 10 days will be ones that end with quiet, reading, and tea, and are calm and mentally healing I hope. With that comes the mixed in stress of knowing that by the end of all of this, I will have one exhausted husband and a very anxious six year old to care for in their reboot needs. This too shall pass. 

Sometimes after a week of feeling alone, I do thrive on being out in the world and mingling but there is a part of me that wants to curl up and do nothing. I don't ever just "do nothing," anymore. "Do nothing" was a phrase I loved and a goal I had always made for myself before motherhood and adulting came at me full swing. Now I just try and do what I can when I can, which is all I can do in fact.

That duality of the "ambivert" within me is so weird. I found this meme and it sums it up well I think:

I can rock some serious quiet, now more than ever. You don't know the true value or importance of quiet until you have a child, in my humble opinion. I can also be the most social person you've ever seen, which can be a blessing and a curse.

I hate this internal mental wrestling match within myself because it shouldn't feel like a chore to enjoy "free time." I'm just that person who feels like there is always something that should be done and keeps on going until I hit my wall and deflate like one of the balloons after the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

For today in my allergy haze, just starting on day one of the mania, I've decided to sleep on it. I do my best decision making on a good night's rest, or so I'd like to believe. Maybe I will hide from the world or maybe I will re-emerge fierce and ferocious and ready to play. Of course I will report back!

Last Day Of 33, Whatcha Got For Me?

On the eve of my birthday, or as I have been referring to it this year as, "Just Tuesday the 26th," while of course saying goodbye to 33 and hello to 34, I'm almost forced into some reflection so just bear with me.

I remember last year going to an amazing concert with some of my favorite people around this time of year, running the St. Patty's 5K and I think there was ice cream cake. Not to mention, my mother's annual forced upon new fashion or a shopping trip with her. This year I am opting for as much calm and quiet as possible.

My daughter has promised me a "boutique" of flowers and as much as I didn't want to correct her, I did and told her she meant "bouquet," and I hope to snag some time to myself, a novel idea in motherhood.

I will say this, 33 has been a huge year for me personally in terms of growth and strength. Last year at this time I was still settling into things after surviving one of the worst Christmases of my lifetime. I was trying to scrape things together and stay positive, but I was feeling really hopeless and utterly alone.

This was before April, and in April my life was completely turned upside down in every way and I didn't handle it well. March, and especially my birthday, was the beginning of the chaos. At that time, I was still in a place of fight or flight and I was faced with having to support choices I didn't agree with, but sucking it up "for the greater good." It wasn't my best start to 2018.

This year has a much different vibe, more positive and affirming, and I'm proud of and happy with that. After a horrible April 2018, in May I took my life back. I really stood up for myself and my daughter and redefined our family norms. It was a bit rocky through September but we are still building, and growing. So this year, I'm just ready for 34.

Birthday wishes are great, but I no longer feel they are some kind of required barometer for a friendship or an attention level anymore. I feel grateful when someone remembers to text me, let alone remembers something as trivial as a birthday. I won't feel "forgotten" because people have lives and any relationship is complicated and scattered at times. Not getting a nod on a Facebook wall or a text the day of won't break my birthday or get anyone in trouble.

There aren't many years of my 34 on earth that I can recall the kind of strength and growth that I've manifested, especially over these last 6 months, so I want to celebrate that, more than anything else within the birthday. As an only child, my mom cannot help herself when it comes to making it a "thing," no matter how much I beg to just have some ice cream cake and call it a day. My husband gets annoyed I ruin my own requests by buying myself the stuff I need instead of waiting for him to do it for me.

I've decided that Jenny Lewis' new album "On The Line" was released as a birthday gift to me, as she is my spirit animal and one of my most favorite artists. She also starts her tour tomorrow, in Indiana unfortunately, but I can rock from here, regardless. I've been replaying her album as part of my reflective time because she usually writes and records all the feels I need, and somehow exactly when I need them. So, little things like this I consider part of the celebration.

For 34 I want continued growth, strength and bravery. I want to become less and less afraid to stand up for myself in every situation. Ironically this past weekend I had a recurring nightmare about still working in a place where I was made to feel intimidated, inferior and where my needs and requests were consistently ignored only to wake up disgustingly grateful that I'm no longer there. I'll take that as a good sign that I'm in a better place.

Also this weekend my family seemed to master "the chill," of which I am completely the worst. We did some household chores and some necessary upkeep, but we were lazy and watched too much TV, ate what we wanted, had a family sleepover, slept in and just bummed around. It's not something we indulge in often, even though it is necessary. On top of that, I had good conversations with favorite people about struggles and growth and about how we just need to face certain things head on anymore. We're too young to take it for granted and too old to mess around, and I think those two are interchangeable.

So 33, what else have you got for me? I'm ready for more with 34 and yes those all kinda rhyme in weird ways. Maybe the corny, dorky stuff comes with age too. Here's to growing up!

Sometimes You Just Need A Nap

I saw this meme that I'm promptly posted that said "I feel like I'm tired already tomorrow." This is me. Always.

Now I thought this was just a part of me as a person. Sleep is my favorite hobby. Alison needs her sleep. I also figured I lost enough sleep during infancy and working nights that now I was just trying to hoard it. Now we know I have thyroid type issues. Or so they surmise thus far. I blame that.

Being resilient doesn't come without waves of exhaustion. My post yesterday was in an exhausted stupor, which some of my faithful readers probably picked up on. And this morning was more "go go go."

Look, I haven't practiced "The Art Of Doing Nothing," since I became a mother. That luxury is not one afforded. And my abilities or even inabilities to relax come in waves. Sometimes my body literally is like, "Bitch you're going to slow down, watch."

This week was a shoulder injury, lots of fun, so heating pad time is a daily routine. I'm still nursing it. And then staying up too late every single night finally caught up to me. Last night I thought I was super clever. I took an Excedrin PM and was asleep by 9:30PM! But then from 11:30PM to about 4AM I was awakened every hour or so by child, dog or husband until I finally ended up on the couch until my 6:30AM alarm to rally the troops for church.

I had an Excedrin hangover haze. Not fun. And then I was so cold in church I was physically uncomfortable, also thyroid related. I was super miserable. When we came home I walked the dog, and decided to "warm up and lay down" for a bit. Apparently I passed out for a little over an hour and woke to my husband assuring me that the kid was content and he was off to work. I guess I needed it.

I'm that person who sees naps as something I need to book in advance, like a massage. Rarely do I get to just "Have one," so sneaking one today was inadvertently amazing.

Of course I woke up in cleaning mode in order to "earn my relaxation" later. I have since done the tubs and wiped down all surfaces while my faithful RoboVac picks up all the floor yuck. My daughter has been crafting and creating and I slowed down to blog it out.

Sometimes you DO just need a nap. More often than not, we DESERVE a darn nap. We work hard, we play hard. We spend too much time doing what we "should" instead of doing what is "good" for us and that's something I am the worst at. Why watch 3 hours of television when you could paint that shelf you've been meaning to? Oh well because sometimes we need a bit of lazy!

I think we are so hard on ourselves and it's hard not to be hard on ourselves as redundant as it seems. It's work, workout, family dinner, bed time routine, repeat in some way, shape or form. I know plenty of people who operate on like 4 hours of sleep and somehow keep kicking ass at life. I, for one, cannot even be kind of nice without my 8. I can function but I'm a mean, mean redhead.

I'm learning that self care is anything BUT selfish, or should be. I'm learning that sometimes YOU JUST NEED A NAP. And there's no shame in that! You're human! We're all humans! I'm learning that boundaries, either with friends, spouses, co-workers, and within yourself are necessary some times and that this is all part of adulting, whether we like it or not.

So I'm going to enjoy the rest of my Sunday even if it's covered in cleaning and laundry. I will binge-watch and relax because tomorrow is back to the grind! Take a nap if you haven't yet! I fully support it!

A Day Off Is Never Really A Day Off In The World of Parenthood

It took me a good 6 years to find a job where I have all federal and bank type holidays off and therefore, becomes a family day off. Family days off are either filled with extra curricular activities and parties or chores. Sometimes, all of the above.

No longer having to scramble for childcare, this year we are all home, so naturally I packed my entire morning with appointments and plans. So this morning was boot camp at 5:15AM, Doctor's appointment at 7:30AM, Vet at 9AM. I can conquer all. I was late for the doctor and early for the vet, by the way.

My husband always gives me a hard time for packing our days with all of the things because I cannot relax. It's seriously difficult for me to do "nothing," although as a mother I firmly feel like, "nothing" doesn't even exist. And in my defense, we pack everything into these days, because weekends are too short! There just isn't enough time for all the things!

I'm even taking a day off because my dad is coming to visit and it's my daughter's birthday in a couple weeks and I thought..."I can take my car in that day without it wrecking everything!" This is adulting at it's finest.

Days off don't really exist in the world of parenthood, because when your children are otherwise occupied, you just do all the things that are more difficult to accomplish when they're around. I feel like I can work so much faster, and more efficiently with no little person talking at me all day. It's the sad truth. 

And now as that "Tidying Up" special on Netflix runs rampant, we have even more subconscious "to do's" on our plate. I seriously had two moms I was trying to plan things with and they were working on getting rid of things in the house instead of enjoying the day off by having the little ones play and just catching up. Of course then I was like, "I guess we should reorganize the kitchen today then."

I used to have jobs where if I took time out of my workday for appointments and other adult things, I'd lose hours and therefore money, or have to stay later and make up for it. Now I don't have that obstacle and it makes a world of difference. Not only can I accomplish things on a long lunch or just by leaving early for the day, but I try to leave the family days off like today, for actual family fun. 

Everything is so scheduled, planned out, and timed, I long for days of no rushing with late breakfasts and endless cartoons. I love last minute play dates with neighborhood friends or an impromptu family adventure. I miss Disney days for that reason, often.

But carving out time to just "veg" is harder than planning the things, I feel. At least it is for me. I always feel pressure to entertain my little one by having friends over or taking her somewhere to expel some energy, but lately I've worked really hard on letting her know, it's super okay to just have a "TV" day. During the week we are go, go, go, schedule, schedule, routine, routine so letting her hang and watch some Goldie and Bear or My Little Pony is no different than my self care of binge-watching The Office. 

I also just love everyone being in the house, even if we are all doing our own thing. Like Luna is watching TV and also decorating the house for some Pony-related task while my husband watches Netflix and has lunch and I'm blogging away at the dining room table as my dog whines for no reason. I just like knowing we're all home.

The times when I've felt the most mentally heavy are those when we are all going different directions. Luna and I will be at play date after play date and party after party with the husband working too much and missing out on everything. We barely see each other and it makes things kinda crappy and depressing. It makes me feel like weekends are just a theory and days off are a mystical unicorn that may or may not be real, it remains to be seen. 

Balancing it all is rough. My husband dreams of days where we do nothing and I dream of days where we do everything. Compromise is essential and difficult. My daughter can get bored and stir crazy but I also have to make her just chill because she sleeps, eats and behaves better when she can self care for her almost 6 year old self. Sound familiar? Yeah she is my mini me; we both love to be social but hit our walls when we need self care.

So maybe we don't have the same kinds of days off as we did in our twenties, but we still have time away from the grind. Finding how to fit it all in but also balance will be a constant struggle but I'm definitely up for the challenge. For days like today, I got the obligatory stuff done before anyone was really up and moving around, now we can all just play and maybe throw in a little productivity. 

And for those of you "Tidying Up" everything, more power to you! If you're anything like me, a little productivity makes me feel less "off" than a day off with nothing done. And feel free to post your go to activities and self care routines too!