The Biggest Big Girl Thing To Say

This weekend I hit my max. It was Saturday to be exact. 

I think we were all in a post-vacay back-to-school funk. I did that thing we all do best where we subconsciously promise that if we can just make it to the weekend, things will get better. I did what I had to do, and then some, to get us through. Even our Friday was okay.

I yell sometimes. I hate that I do it, but it happens. I try very much not to, but when I'm mentally pushed to the edge, plus tired, plus fighting off a sinus infection, I just felt like 3 strikes, I'm out. Saturday I had to handle some stuff really well, that I shouldn't have had to deal with at all, and I still had chores to do, and on the rainy day what I wanted to do most was nothing and I totally broke down.

The breakdown was a slow process. It started when we left the house to get gas and then go to a birthday party. We didn't make it around the corner when my daughter started complaining about a cramp. Then it became the worst thing ever and she would die without water. We were 5 minutes from destination 1, 15 minutes from the party.

I attempted to calm her, to down play. I attempted to rationalize. Still the agonizing cries and shrieks were happening. At the gas station she just had to get out and get a water at the store. I got annoyed because $2 in water was not necessary. She could drink her weight in free water at the party. There is a part of me that has been wrestling with the "Suck it up" attitude, often.

Then when the water didn't instantly heal here there we go again. By the time I got us back and settled, ready to go to the party I lost it and yelled. I yelled loudly and a lot. Not my best moment.

I started firing off the list of lost privileges. No technology! We're not staying for the party! Early bed! It was then from the back seat, calmly, I heard her say, "I'm sorry mom I just don't know how to control my anger sometimes." She didn't even say it in a bratty way. It snapped me right back where I needed to be.

My tone completely morphed and I said, "You know what, that was a big girl thing to say. That's a big deal that you said that. So you may have your privileges back because saying that is a huge deal. You acknowledged." It was then that I asked her to notice how calm my tone was and how when she shared with me her thoughts and true feelings, I can better help her.

Then I got down to business. Is this a real stomach cramp or dehydration and just, listening to your body? We then discussed the "Let's go to the doctor" feeling and the "my body is just working on something," feeling. Of course once we got to the party that cramp magically disappeared as did both of our attitudes.

I'm still reveling in this. The whole exchange really. To me it was all growing pains for us both and both of us running on empty. I am self-aware of these feelings for sure but for being 6 and 1/2 she sure was able to pinpoint her frustration well and somehow call me out on my irrational outburst as well. 

For Monday, this little tale is all I have but I wanted to leave it for all the moms who have needed to tap out and who have been pushed to their mental limits. I loved this little lesson, no matter how messy, and am holding it dear because it made us closer this weekend. And I loved every moment of it. 

Sobering Up, Growing Up, Leveling Up

I confess that I have done what most people do and spent time "numbing" the bad stuff. As a child of addiction I have never taken western medicine that wasn't prescribed, and if I've ever done so in excess, it messes with me hard core. I have loved wine for a long time, and never shy away from a good cocktail, and I'm usually one to try craft beers.

Who doesn't like a little buzz, right? For me it has always been the social aspect and the gathering routine. This weekend I didn't even drink in excess, but let me tell you, I'm kind of feeling a break up pending with alcohol. 

I'm about 90% sure I'm not an alcoholic, but I understand the inclination. I have had drinks to get drunk, I have had excessive amounts of drinks and I have had drama, fights and bad choice made under the influence. I'm not one for hangovers, to me they are a waste of a day, but I've had many and they are totally not worth it.

Funny how much is weighed in worth as you grow up. If something is worth your time, stress, effort and money even. To me, nothing is worth compromising my sleep. And guess what? I'm at that age where alcohol messes with my sleep too much. So it might be time to kick it out.

We haven't kept alcohol in our home for about 9 months or so. For me, it doesn't occur to me to make an extra trip to get it, or that it would be necessary to keep, so I don't really want it, if I don't have it around. If you give me a bottle of wine as a gift though, it's right out on the counter ready to be had with dinner.

Sobriety is a huge, huge thing in my world right now and I'm realizing just how much alcohol plays a regular part in most of aspects life, like it or not. Up until now I would drink in purely social situations and mostly on a night out with friends, but this weekend I had fun, and I just felt sleepy and down a peg the day after and I just feel like it was a total waste of energy after all is said and done.

This isn't some diatribe about quitting drinking forever and working the steps, but the "partying" aspect is officially off the table. I love socializing with food and wine or cocktails. I really do. On a "crazy" night, I'll have about 3 drinks in the span of 4 to 5 hours with lots and lots of water and definitely with food. That's as far as I go, if that, depending on the evening. However, the lagging sleepy feeling and the "faux" rest that I get post-indulgence is a huge a turn off.

If anything gets in my way of being productive and getting a good night's rest, it's out. My daughter often wants to sleep with me, but kicks the crap out of me, so her invading my space is only on a special occasion. If my husband snores too much, I hit the couch or make him sleep in the guest bedroom. If the dog won't settle down, I kick him out too. Zero tolerance.

I've closely reflected on what alcohol does to me, and others close to me, and especially with sober eyes, it's kind of intense. We all love a drunken adventure or drunken story. We all love a good laugh at the expense of a drunken idiot, right? Alcohol is always glamorized and romanticized. It's legal, easy to get and something all the cool kids do, right?

Well, I've grown into the realization that not only are all of those assumptions wrong, they are complete and utter bullshit. I've watched alcohol tear people down and completely apart. I've watched it destroy bodies, minds and lives. I've also watched people sober up, triumph and appreciate life more, without numbing agents.

Part of what I love about Dax Shepard's podcast, ArmChair Expert, is how much he talks about his addiction, his sobriety and his journey. It's so amazing and empowering to hear. So much of it is enlightening to my walk, my path, and my current journey, especially in my family.

I've had deep, important conversations with my best friends and immediate family about when the party "stops," so to speak. At a certain age, the drunk thing isn't really cute. It's kind of just humiliating. And as I've written about recently in excess, I'm not one who enjoys or endures humiliation well.

I woke up again feeling bloated and flabby, and dragged myself to the gym to sweat out the weekend. My leggings are not friendly today and I really want to order a burlap sack to rock the rest of the week and crawl into bed for a 6 hour nap. I realized that, I like the ritual of the alcohol more than I like the actual alcohol, and I think this "sobering thought" could take me to new places.

I have spent many years very closely watching myself, because when you grow up with an addict it's like a free lesson of "I don't want to ever do that and I never will." But most recently, I've looked back at some dark times and wished I'd treated myself and my world better. 

Not only do I want to get more into shape, but I mentally want to keep kicking ass because as I posted on my Instagram this morning, you start to heal the moment you feel heard. I finally feel heard, and feel seen and I'm done being afraid of either. I'm open-armed and very awake, even when I'm tired.

I just realized that for me, I'm a person who can enjoy a champagne toast or celebratory beer or glass of wine, but that's where it ends. More and more, if my sleep gets off it's rhythm, I'm unhinged and I need rest to be a nice, considerate, not horrible person. I don't need to drink weekly or monthly or for any real occasion. I actually don't need to drink at all. I'm just a person who isn't meant for party life. I've always failed at my attempts to be that girl.

I've pushed through, I've acted foolishly, I've sacrificed my health and well being to be that party person but "It Ain't Me, Babe." And what's more? I'm totally OKAY with that not being me. Don't get me wrong, if you have a new beer that is a must try, I will partake. If you buy a $1,000.00 bottle of wine, I wanna try that because what does $1,000.00 wine even taste like!? Although, I'd much rather have wonderful food. At the end of the day, the cake won't give me the hangover but the 4 mimosas will. Boundaries. Balance.

So, sobering up sounds like the best thing ever and I hate that it gets a bad wrap, especially when it comes to drug usage. Growing up has it's sucky moments but I happen to like that I'm coming to these conclusions and staying awake. Leveling up in life should be just as exhilarating as it was in Mario. Yes, more Mario references, get used to it.

I've made huge mistakes. I'm human. I've made horrible choices. I'm still human. I've partied hard and suffered the consequences, which sometimes was the hangover alone, other times just drunk-induced conflict and so on. Yup, still human. The other day a co-worker was audibly listening to sermons on her computer with her speakers on loud. I put in my headphones to drown it out. I dislike being preached "at." Everyone has a right to their beliefs and inviting others to hear about them is great; I dislike it being thrust upon me without a choice. Regardless, the snippet I heard was horrifying. This guy was talking about your sins being spiritual debt you can't really pay back. Like you can't repay the debt of your sins, and we carry around spiritual debt like we do credit card debt and school loans. That was a bad and disturbing analogy to me.

I think we most certainly can repay and repair our debts with growing up and leveling up, in all aspects of life. Every day is a new chance. Not everyone needs sobriety, and I don't judge. I mean Jesus did turn water into wine, so yeah -- that was a sarcastic joke by the way. I think we do our very best in our circumstances and at OUR OWN INDIVIDUAL PACE. I don't think it's fair to make sin out to be a form of "debt." I think we all just need to find our growth and our levels when we can, and keep kicking ass and taking names in all the small victories. Because, after all, we are all human...except Mario. 

Random Teachable Moments In Motherhood

I only recall one teachable moment with my dad. It was when I was 19, had my first official boyfriend, but sadly wasn't the first official asshole I'd dated, and he basically told me that even though he was a bad guy, all of them wouldn't be that way and I must not forget there are still good people out there. That one stuck, and always will.

Other than that, and especially in my adolescence, I don't recall a single moment where my parents took a minute to level with me as a struggling, tiny human. There were no heart to hearts or calm talks of the ways of life. Perhaps I'm not the worst mom after all.

My daughter's school has a daily numbering system for behavior and general good job scoring. On the scale, 1 is bad news, 2 is only slightly better, 3 is par for the course and okay, and then 4 is the best! Yesterday my daughter got a 4, and she expected some serious rewards as her normal day to day is a 3.

With school a few weeks away from ending, we've been pretty lax on the rule front for no screens and evening routines. The kid and I are exhausted and she loves her TV and down time so, whatever, sometimes it's not worth the argument to force her to spend time with me. We still do our day to day catch up time and read books before bed, so I take to chores and let her veg. 

So for her reward, I let her re-watch the shows I have banned in the name of exploration of new stuff, and let her have free reign on the big TV until bed time. When it was definitely bed time, I started the whole "10 minute warning, 5 minute warning," mom thing, always with the disclaimer, "No arguments please!"

I always say "No arguments," with her because my daughter is the master of negotiation. She will either be a natural lawyer or hostage negotiator one day. Everything is a discussion. It's never simple. My biggest struggle is with the interruptions and trying not to stifle her. As women, we naturally get the shit end of the stick when it comes to be talked down to, talked over, or generally made to feel conversationally inferior, if not generally inferior, and as if we have no voice. This feeling is one I don't want to raise my daughter having experienced at home.

There is a patience breaking-point, or lack there-of, where enough is enough. Some things aren't a discussion. So last night when the TV time was done, it was time to get ready for bed and she came in to negotiate with, "But I wanted to watch more, I only watched one episode, I wanted to stay up late, I thought I got a reward for my 4!" All of this can be heard in the whiny 6 year old voice, of course.

When I stopped the discussion it was, "Mom you interrupted me! You're not letting me tell you what I need to say! That's unfair." Finally, crying and crumpling, she climbed onto my bed and said the real deal, the ultimate truth: "Mom, I just get really upset and think it's unfair when I don't get what I want!" I sat back for a second to take this all in. 

My first instinct was to laugh or quote the Princess Bride again: 

But then I thought, okay let's go ahead and be considerate about this. Let's make this a teachable moment. I said, "I'm sorry you're upset, and unfortunately not getting what you want is something that will happen a lot. I know it feels unfair, and some of it is. But, I'm the mom and you're the kid. I'm the grown up and you're not a grown up yet, so you need to follow the instructions and tasks, even if you're upset or you don't like them. And this behavior just proves to me that you can't get what you're asking for, because throwing a fit isn't how you get what you want."

I was impressed with myself because I didn't raise my voice. After she got her teeth brushed and went to the bathroom she came back and asked if we could make time to read books even though earlier she said she didn't want to. Of course I caved on this one because, books are always necessary. I looked at her puffy little face and said, "I'm sorry you're feelings were hurt but I'm really glad you shared your feelings with me and told me about your frustration. You can always tell me how you're feeling."

I do want her to tell me how she feels even if it's not a positive feeling. One time she said, "I hate you, Mom!" And, true to form, I yelled back, "Then that means I'm doing my job as your mom! Go to your room!" Sharing feelings is important and allowing her to feel all the feelings is even more important, in my mothering opinion.

When she told me she got upset when she didn't get what she wanted, I stared at her a second thinking, a more "Alison" comment could not have been made. Hello mini-me! And I'm the kind of person whom, if you tell me no, or that I can't, I'll do it just to spite you. If my husband said, "Yeah there's no way you could run a half marathon," even though I truly have no desire to run 13 miles, I would do it just to prove him wrong. And when people try to say, "No you can't have...", I just work harder to get it because I CAN! Maybe not the best approach, but again, I'm a work in progress.

I hope to instill the proper amount of ferocity within my daughter as well, which seems to be building in there. She sure is a trip, whom I love endlessly. And while I've struggled so much in motherhood, knowing that I can take a step back and be there like this for her, really keeps me hopeful that I won't completely mess her up. I try to resign to just mess her up the correct amount!