Clean Home, Nacho Tantrums, Dane Cook

To quote the Princess Bride, "Let me explain, no it's too much, let me sum up."

I'm beyond exhausted and I hit my wall. My hubby surprised me with coffee, I conquered the whole going to church thing, stopped at Target to get a birthday gift and then home to clean for 3 hours. Yes it was baseboard day. This was after yesterday we did Horseback riding, then came home to pack for visiting my cousin and her new baby, and then say goodbye to great friends, back near our house.

I finally hit my wall when my husband asked me what I wanted for dinner. How dare he. He deviated from my plans I had mentally laid out and not communicated and how dare he?!? Yes, I was tired, hangry and being ridiculous.

I threw a tantrum until he finally offered to make me my secret pleasure pig out food, nachos. Then he put on our favorite Dane Cook live comedy from the tour we saw, and left me to be lazy. Sometimes he's not that bad, and sometimes exhaustion is for good reason.

I haven't had much time to think, let alone watch, so here I am, with another tiny post, telling you that I will get it back on track Tuesday. Thanks for sticking with me readers!

Are Unicorns Real?

I remember when Christmas lost it's magic in my adolescence. My parents had been in and out of separation and my dad knew that the jig was up about Santa so they just wrapped the presents and left them under the tree as they bought them. I was about 12, and I was left home alone from time to time when my dad was working extra. So every time I was home alone I'd pick under that tree and shake things to see if I got what I wanted on the list. By Christmas morning all of my predictions were not only true, but it totally took away all the fun and any kind of surprise.

I always loved the innocence of imagination and getting lost in fantasy-type stuff. This is why my favorite movie of all time remains, The Princess Bride. Believing that X-Files was partially true was way better than facing what was going on at home. The idea that Pleasantville was remotely possible was fun to imagine. And I was that almost-teenager at Disney who still wanted to meet characters and believed in the magic of it all. 

My daughter came home the other day and said "Mom, so and so said that unicorns aren't real. Are unicorns real?" I said "Yeah! I definitely think they are," with gusto! Why wouldn't I? Being in the magic with kids, is everything and when they lose that, things get a little less fun.

When I nanny-ed for so long, I used to rebuff any of their "realizations" because I never wanted some kid to ruin it for them. It was my job to protect them, not make them grow up. There is some version of Santa for everyone, but anyone who ruins the magic for my child purposefully might get a throat-punch, just saying. 

At a birthday party last weekend my daughter announced that her mom said there were unicorns and the birthday girl said, "Are there really unicorns?" I said, "I certainly think there are." Her little face lit up.

In my house, instead of Elf on the Shelf, which I have issues with, we have Sandy Klaws. This isn't some thing to "make my child act right." This is a character from A Nightmare Before Christmas, a household favorite movie that carries us from Halloween to Christmas, and all he does is create mischief. Every day she wakes up wondering what he did. It's so fun, and she loves it. Here he is:

She actually believes that Sandy Klaws, who is the size of a Barbie I might add, put together her loft bed on Christmas Eve and rearranged her room. For a second, I wanted the credit because we did all the work after all. The next morning she awoke to Sandy Klaws having put together her dollhouse. Again, I wanted the credit! But the way she runs to school to tell these tales and loves them so much, makes it all worth it.

I love that she believes that the entire realm of My Little Pony exists. I love that at Disney she thinks she's met all the characters from her favorite movies and that pixie dust protects her at home. She deserves to have that fun and innocence and it always makes me sad when kids get jaded out of it. 

By age 13, I was that kid. I got hit so hard by reality that I lost the ability to believe in nonsense. Now watching Mary Poppins and Hook and such, I realize how much growing up stinks and I miss the days where I truly believed that when my cousin got Jumanji for Christmas, we would end up IN the game!

I guard the magic for my daughter, pretty carefully. I fully enforce all magic and whimsy. A few years ago we took my best friend and her 3 almost-teen girls to Harry Potter World, and she said she didn't know who looked like they were more impressed and entranced, me or her children. If you're going to go in, go ALL IN.

At Disney, magic is everywhere and so easy to perpetuate. I never regret any money or time we have spent there because my daughter remembers how much fun and adventure we had in that realm. She recounts conversations with characters and getting autographs. She believes that characters actually bought her those free Mickey Bars she used to get. 

So, damn straight unicorns are real! We live in a world where kids being allowed to be kids is being restricted into smaller and smaller time frames. We keep them so busy and they are so immersed in all avenues of pop culture with social media, they can get jaded more easily. That innocence is a click away from disappearing altogether.

I protect my daughter's magic because that's part of being a mom. I've almost outed the tooth fairy and the Easter Bunny out of exhaustion and bad planning, which wouldn't ruin her life, but I just want to give her a stellar childhood to walk into adult life with.

I loved the years of playing with my dolls, make-believe, playing outside, creating weird games, and having fun with my friends. I want more of the same for her and intend to guard it all.

So in my house, Unicorns are real. Santa and Sandy Klaws co-exist only Santa brings the presents and Sandy Klaws brings the silly. The Easter Bunny is real. The tooth fairy is real. When she hits her Harry Potter phase she better know that wands are totally real but won't work unless she's at Hogwarts and she can apply to Hogwarts if she wants. 

Whether other parents like it or not, I intend to be the Czar of Majestic Whimsy and will tell your children all magic exists. Even leprechauns, which are slightly offensive to gingers depending on the connotation, just saying. Stay innocent while you can, I intend to keep my kid that way as long as possible. 

Random Teachable Moments In Motherhood

I only recall one teachable moment with my dad. It was when I was 19, had my first official boyfriend, but sadly wasn't the first official asshole I'd dated, and he basically told me that even though he was a bad guy, all of them wouldn't be that way and I must not forget there are still good people out there. That one stuck, and always will.

Other than that, and especially in my adolescence, I don't recall a single moment where my parents took a minute to level with me as a struggling, tiny human. There were no heart to hearts or calm talks of the ways of life. Perhaps I'm not the worst mom after all.

My daughter's school has a daily numbering system for behavior and general good job scoring. On the scale, 1 is bad news, 2 is only slightly better, 3 is par for the course and okay, and then 4 is the best! Yesterday my daughter got a 4, and she expected some serious rewards as her normal day to day is a 3.

With school a few weeks away from ending, we've been pretty lax on the rule front for no screens and evening routines. The kid and I are exhausted and she loves her TV and down time so, whatever, sometimes it's not worth the argument to force her to spend time with me. We still do our day to day catch up time and read books before bed, so I take to chores and let her veg. 

So for her reward, I let her re-watch the shows I have banned in the name of exploration of new stuff, and let her have free reign on the big TV until bed time. When it was definitely bed time, I started the whole "10 minute warning, 5 minute warning," mom thing, always with the disclaimer, "No arguments please!"

I always say "No arguments," with her because my daughter is the master of negotiation. She will either be a natural lawyer or hostage negotiator one day. Everything is a discussion. It's never simple. My biggest struggle is with the interruptions and trying not to stifle her. As women, we naturally get the shit end of the stick when it comes to be talked down to, talked over, or generally made to feel conversationally inferior, if not generally inferior, and as if we have no voice. This feeling is one I don't want to raise my daughter having experienced at home.

There is a patience breaking-point, or lack there-of, where enough is enough. Some things aren't a discussion. So last night when the TV time was done, it was time to get ready for bed and she came in to negotiate with, "But I wanted to watch more, I only watched one episode, I wanted to stay up late, I thought I got a reward for my 4!" All of this can be heard in the whiny 6 year old voice, of course.

When I stopped the discussion it was, "Mom you interrupted me! You're not letting me tell you what I need to say! That's unfair." Finally, crying and crumpling, she climbed onto my bed and said the real deal, the ultimate truth: "Mom, I just get really upset and think it's unfair when I don't get what I want!" I sat back for a second to take this all in. 

My first instinct was to laugh or quote the Princess Bride again: 

But then I thought, okay let's go ahead and be considerate about this. Let's make this a teachable moment. I said, "I'm sorry you're upset, and unfortunately not getting what you want is something that will happen a lot. I know it feels unfair, and some of it is. But, I'm the mom and you're the kid. I'm the grown up and you're not a grown up yet, so you need to follow the instructions and tasks, even if you're upset or you don't like them. And this behavior just proves to me that you can't get what you're asking for, because throwing a fit isn't how you get what you want."

I was impressed with myself because I didn't raise my voice. After she got her teeth brushed and went to the bathroom she came back and asked if we could make time to read books even though earlier she said she didn't want to. Of course I caved on this one because, books are always necessary. I looked at her puffy little face and said, "I'm sorry you're feelings were hurt but I'm really glad you shared your feelings with me and told me about your frustration. You can always tell me how you're feeling."

I do want her to tell me how she feels even if it's not a positive feeling. One time she said, "I hate you, Mom!" And, true to form, I yelled back, "Then that means I'm doing my job as your mom! Go to your room!" Sharing feelings is important and allowing her to feel all the feelings is even more important, in my mothering opinion.

When she told me she got upset when she didn't get what she wanted, I stared at her a second thinking, a more "Alison" comment could not have been made. Hello mini-me! And I'm the kind of person whom, if you tell me no, or that I can't, I'll do it just to spite you. If my husband said, "Yeah there's no way you could run a half marathon," even though I truly have no desire to run 13 miles, I would do it just to prove him wrong. And when people try to say, "No you can't have...", I just work harder to get it because I CAN! Maybe not the best approach, but again, I'm a work in progress.

I hope to instill the proper amount of ferocity within my daughter as well, which seems to be building in there. She sure is a trip, whom I love endlessly. And while I've struggled so much in motherhood, knowing that I can take a step back and be there like this for her, really keeps me hopeful that I won't completely mess her up. I try to resign to just mess her up the correct amount!

Married Musings

Google "marriage memes," I dare you. This came up about halfway through the page. It's not wrong. 

My best friend told me her husband of over a decade says that marriage is likely to consist of a lot of bad years and he wants to conquer those to get to the good ones. I kind of like that idea. No, I LOVE that idea. Why? Because marriage is hard.

Marriage not an easy thing. It can be painful, frustrating, infuriating, defeating and completely stressful.

Princess Bride, in its infinite wisdom, is quoted too often in my marriage. Things can be less romantic and more routine, then turn to rough and real in a moment's notice. It's all a matter of give and take, and communication.

We are 6 weeks away from 10 years of marriage and all I can say is, we've had our fair share of bad times and I'm all for pushing towards the good. Anyone who is married and says they don't have a phase like this might be lying or better yet, inhuman.

Marriage, like childbearing, is a club we all want to be accepted into, but no one tells you how challenging it is once you're in. No one is honest about it, until you're honest about your marriage with everyone else. That's when all the stories come out of the woodwork.

It took me a good 4 years of motherhood and family life rough waters to realize that most relationships have the "Titanic" moment of one person on the door and the other person in the water hanging for dear life. 

We can all admit now, there was room for both of them on that door! Regardless, I digress; marriage is anything but simple and easy. I now understand the growing divorce rate in our country. We often wonder how people make it for so long, and I'm unsure as if anyone has a magic answer, I sure as hell don't. I just know that it takes work from both parties.

Staying hopeful in a marriage, to me, is more important than staying happy. "Happy" can have a million definitions, but hopeful is the real, deep stuff. You're going to be horrible to each other. You're going to hurt each other. These are facts. But when you just want to keep up the good fight at the end of the day, and still annoy just that one other person, I think you're probably doing okay.

I used to find comfort in comedies that made fun of how ridiculous marriage can be and brought some lighthearted moments into it all. I still do, which is why I revisit these in times of high anxiety.

Of course the Friends moment the day after Monica and Chandler's wedding where Chandler fakes wedding photos at another wedding to avoid Monica being upset their photos were lost and Monica opens every gift without him will always live in infamy: 

Compromise at it's best; makes me laugh every time.

Albeit there are cute Lily and Marshall-esque moments: 

    

Those are the moments that get you out of the bad, more often than not. The moments where you stop being cranky at each other and stick with being cute. These are the social media moments people live for.

However, there are also some pretty serious moments when things get real:

We totally embrace and thrive in therapy and I make no apologies for it. I advocate therapy to EVERYONE. Sometimes you just need a little extra help so you can get away from the tension and back to life as a couple. It's like having a mediator to get you away from the same fight, the same dizzy dance and same bad habits, and recenter your views. I'm a fan.

More and more I'm finding as we age separately and as a couple, that we are just not alone in our issues, but no one is talking about it. In some ways, keeping your personal life personal is great, but sometimes it's nice to know the cheese doesn't stand alone.

My balance become being a complainer in general, and learning to cultivate my frustration with my tribe has been such an intense experience. At my worst I was just on a diatribe. At my best, I grew up and started to take control of what I wanted out of my marriage and stopped apologizing and started working towards those goals. It's definitely a work in progress, but it's worth the job!

We are 6 weeks away from celebrating the big 10 together and for the first time, in a long time, I'm feeling beyond hopeful, but excited. As strange as it is to think about the time gone by I'm definitely happy to put some chapters behind us and to continue onward and upward. 

Thanks Michael Scott, we won't!

It's Not All Bad

One of my favorite quotes from my all time favorite movie, "The Princess Bride," which rings true regularly is, "Life is pain, highness, anyone who says differently is selling something."

I think we can all agree that life is hard. EVERYONE has completely different challenges, trials and things that make it difficult for them. Everyone handles those difficulties differently. There is physical pain, mental pain, people being a pain. Everyone has something different that makes life a little harder.

I've started to wish that I was brave enough to just lay it all out for the world to see, like "Okay, this is what has actually, truly, legitimately been going on, and it's kind of been really shitty." But that unashamed honesty can be unwelcome and it definitely can give you quite the stigma, or so I have experienced previously. 

With my last two jobs I felt emotionally cornered into making unfair choices. A lot of this came from really difficult personal life circumstances, but in both cases, rather than fight for something I was unsure of and lay all my cards out on the table, I just decided to fold and take the loss. I wish I could have had a heart to heart with each employer and apologized for my home life affecting my work, but I also think I wasn't meant to stay in those positions long term anyway so I kind of let life just figure that one out and did what I could with what I had. 

That is my exact coping mechanism I may have just mastered; when you can control almost nothing and the decisions have been made without you, you have to make the best of what's in front of you. It's all we can do, right?

I think admitting that life is really rough, and that sometimes bad things just happen, is something we don't want to say out loud for fear of coming across as weak or unable to handle things, or maybe that's just me. I've said time and time again, I pride myself on my ability to keep it together and never let them see me break. I may have a good late night cry, or even a lunch time car cry session, but I always pull myself together before I'm back in the public view.

It would be nice if "mental health days" were a real thing and we could call our bosses and say, "I really need to color, take a nap, and watch 4 hours of Friends today, I'll be back in tomorrow." But, for now, we kick up our self care and coping mechanisms and remind ourselves "it's not all bad." It's actually not ALL bad. So much of life is a blessing, but I also don't want to take away from the fact that we all have real, personal, and sometimes unfair turmoil going on.

With that, I wish we could be kinder to each other. About 4 months ago, in what I consider to be an "anxious relapse," I let myself get talked into a tizzy over something really stupid. It felt huge at the time, but it really was dumb. You see, I'm that person that works diligently on being unconditionally understanding. People have real lives and a million things going on and it's not for me to add anything to anyone else's plate, I'm just there to offer for whatever they may need. But I let myself take things too personally as though, the lack of responsiveness was due to "hating me," "ghosting me" or "un-friending me." 

In my experience, when people are going through rough times, the best thing you can do is listen to their answer and asking "how can I help?" Then find some way to do it. Maybe it's a ride somewhere, a gift certificate to Publix, money for pizza or leaving their favorite beer in their fridge when you stop by to check in. Sometimes it's a card that says, "you're doing awesome considering things kinda suck right now" or other times it's a simple text of "I know how busy you are, but I'm here if you have time to chat or to schedule time to hang out."

The thing is, and I think even Taylor Swift sang it once, "That you don't know, what you don't know." So I think we should all work harder to be a little kinder and gentler to people. I post a lot on Instagram pictures of quotes, inspirational words and even just phrases that affect me in some way. Sometimes they say "Hey I'm having a bad day," others signify, "Been there before;" some are funny, some are dark, and rarely I'll even sneak an inside joke in there. 

Everyone has their shit, I like to say. But at the end of the day, life isn't all bad, and we need to remind each other of that when we are struggling. I have found myself getting caught up in technological whirlwinds of never returned text messages, unresponsiveness or miscommunication and taking a big step back from it all has made me feel more receptive to essentially being a better friend and person. 

It's really easy to see all the happy posts and cute pictures and write people off as having "perfect lives," "perfect vacations," and "better circumstances," or "easier lives" than yourself. You never see pictures of the bad times, right? I had to work really hard on not succumbing to those negative twinges and now thinking, "Wow, that looks awesome, good for them!" Because I never got anything from feeling like life was all bad, but I get everything from appreciating more and more that everyone deserves to enjoy a little good.

I've paid close attention to people recently and I am consistently in awe of our capacity to persevere. We are a resilient bunch, especially us wives and mothers, in my humble opinion. It takes a lot for us to really speak enough to be heard and it takes even more to be loud enough for things to resonate but when we do, we make waves. As someone who generally believes women don't think much of her, I've found in motherhood that we are far more similar than we are different, and when we open up and let our guards down a little, we get even stronger as a bunch.

When I've been at my lowest, I've had plenty of people remind me, it's not all bad, and I'll be damned if I don't do the same thing for them. Because the thing that makes it worse, is when we try and push through it alone. The Beatles didn't write all those hits about love and togetherness for us to learn nothing. So if you start your week with this, let us remember to get "By with a little help from my friends," and encourage them when they are feeling immersed in the darkness, that it's not all bad after all. 

Why Netflix Is A Friend In Depressed And Anxious Times, In My Humble Opinion

I'm going to level with my readers today. My personal life is super rocky right now. I very much have to live one day at a time but today for my one day, which started around 1:30AM for me and continued to snowball into turmoil, has me feeling broken and inferior. Rather than use this as an outlet for complaints, I'm going to explore some of my coping mechanisms and make my plan of attack.

I once read something from HelloGiggles online about The Office being used as a tool for calming anxiety and depression. Something about revisiting those episodes and having them as a comfort zone allow viewers to self care in the form of binge-watching. I could totally relate. I often lose myself in a series instead of getting too caught up in my head.

I feel like Netflix has such an amazing variety that turning to some entertainment when I'm my most sad or hopeless feeling, can always make me feel better. I liken it to when you're young and you have "sick movies," being movies you ALWAYS watch when you're home sick from school. The Princess Bride, Hook and Father of the Bride were at the top of my list. 

When I'm just feeling overwhelmed and done, I watch The Office, Friends, Seinfeld, Parks and Rec, or Malcolm in the Middle. They are short, hilarious and never get old (or so I think). When I need a good cry I watch Parenthood, if I need some dark life stuff I go with Breaking Bad, Dexter, or maybe even Mad Men. And then there are endless movies for any mood.

I'm that person who rarely watches something when it's all the rage...rarely. As soon as it fades from popularity I'll discover it and be like "Oh, this is what everyone was talking about!" My current obsession? Stranger Things. Yes, it is amazing. And exactly what I need tonight when I'm drowning my sorrows in tea before bed.

For me, escaping into those shows where you feel like you know the characters, helps distract from the stress, misery, and weight of life at it's darkest times. So instead of obsessing about an argument or messing up at work, I start watching Pam and Jim fall in love on the Office or Monica and Chandler hide their relationship on Friends, or Ron Swanson teach April his tricks on Parks and Rec. Then those life moments that feel like a kick when you're already down, become relate-able and funny. 

Ross gets a work suspension for having a meltdown? Joey loses his insurance and gets a hernia? Jim transfers because being around Pam was too hard? These are all moments we can share in. I've wanted to scream at my boss the way Ross did and freak out about a sandwich when you feel your life falling apart. Not having insurance and needing something done made me want to stay in pain too! And we never want to work around people who hurt us!

I know many people can get all of this from books, but I've always been a TV kinda girl. I watched Friends with my dad every week. We had routines and bonding time over the TV and when my mom left, my dad decided we didn't need to eat at the dining room table anymore, we could watch the Simpsons together and have homemade sweet and spicy chicken together. These were the moments that got us away from the sad moments of it being "just us two," and let us laugh again.

I've read many things that actually support my theory that Netflix can be your greatest ally when you're feeling so very bad about life stuff or when you're overly anxious. This isn't to say to ignore everything, call in sick and watch 4 days worth of series, this is just saying that if you can find something to look forward to at the end of your day where you wind down and maybe check in with a friend about characters and silly plot lines, go do it!

After I get a good night's sleep I should be better put together and far more eloquent tomorrow but you know where I'll be tonight, just getting more into Stranger Things to beat the blues. Text me if you need a little pick me up!