When All You Can Do Is Wait It Out

My daughter had some kind of flu bug or cold last week. She missed three days in a row of school and by day four she still had this residual low grade fever. I don't freak out about stuff, until someone tips me in the exact right direction to do so. This was Friday afternoon into Sunday morning, the freak out.

You Google things and all of the sudden you diagnose with cancer, shingles, pneumonia, bronchitis and so on and so forth. It gets ridiculous. You start telling all the moms you know and then they start telling you about classmate A having the flu for 2 weeks, classmate B getting some unknown viral infection and so on and so forth. I turned to my rational moms, the ones that know me, and know our family circumstances well enough. With a little extra laziness, essential oils, and Lysol-wiping down my entire home, by Sunday she woke up super normal.

It was one of those "All you can do is wait it out," moments. Of course with that, comes the waves of realization of how many times we're tested in the "wait it out" arena. We wait out test results, arguments, money to be allocated here, there and everywhere properly. We wait on text message responses, scheduling questions, doctor's appointments, dentists, plans to emerge, phone calls and so on and so forth. We have to wait it out often, but we never get used to it, and rarely are we calm.

When you get to that moment of just having to wait, there is usually unrest. Think of the hospitals with waiting rooms, waiting areas and the airports where you sit and wait to board. These places are uncomfortable, usually cold for me, filled with grouchy people, all because we are made to wait. Was it not the late, great Tom Petty who sang, "Waiting is the hardest part?" 

Mostly it's just not an easy or simple thing. Years ago when my daughter had surgery I told the doctor, "Overshoot the time frame. If you know it will be done in 2 hours, tell me 3 because at 120 minutes I'm banging down that door to make sure she is okay." I had friends specifically come to distract me for that time because otherwise I would just sit there staring at the clock.

I think I've quoted and regurgitated that whole "Patience is a virtue" thing since my dad embedded it within me at such a young age. Of course I said over and over, "Yes it is a virtue I do not possess myself." The waiting stuff is difficult, I don't care who you are.

This weekend I really had to remind myself of this over and over and over, that, all we could do was wait out the fever, wait for her to feel better, wait for her body to push out whatever was ailing her. That then transcended to, I have to wait for my body to respond to supplements, workout routines and getting consistent rest. I had to wait for friends and family in my life to reciprocate my reaching out, I couldn't "nag them" into it or make them respond according to my timeline.

Waiting things out is uncomfortable and unpleasant. You have no control. It was just like the recent hurricane, we just had to wait and see. Then that pushes us into the whole "we'll see" avenue of this walk of life. We just have to see how things go, how things turn out, and what all happens.

Unknowns are murky but a huge part of life. Not having control plays into the whole waiting it out conundrum as well. Mostly what the fever situation brought up within me, outside of the waiting stuff, was to be more trustworthy of my own gut instinct.

The maternal instinct stuff is incredibly real, as is following your gut. We have a neighbor across the street and they instantly thrust their daughter into friendship with ours and then into our care. Everything I know about the situation of their household, raises red flags for me. I've heard the little girl be not nice to my daughter, she's a picky eater, rude in general, and I've seen some things with the parents, step parents and grandparents that concern me a lot. So much tension and one kid in the mix. I stopped planning play dates because I just didn't want to get into all their personal lives and the kid was being mean to mine so for me, done deal.

This has been strange to explain to my daughter. My husband said that the girl across the street seemingly grew up and was nicer. What I explained to him was, in my gut I thought it better to not have much to do with them. What we know of the circumstances are unpleasant, and it's not my job to host that girl and make her a better person. It's my job to raise my daughter. My gut says no thank you and let's just wait and see how that family sorts out their stuff, eh?

We get used to instant gratification. We get used to getting things bigger, faster, stronger, better. Alas there just isn't much else to do when all you can do is wait it out. We have an upcoming road trip next week and I think what I worry about most is my daughter constantly complaining in the car, asking how long until we are there and her general inability to wait. As her mom, I get it, but it's definitely what I'm fearing most.

We get impatient and get sick of waiting so we act rashly. We act impulsively and text someone we shouldn't, hang out with people we shouldn't or get involved in things we shouldn't be all as some half baked distraction from the wait. What a cycle. All I know is if the fever broke, I'm hopeful to break the rest with waiting too. While it's just one day at a time, and keeping patience a virtue, I guess we really will see how it all turns out, each step of the way! 

Trigger-y Things, Illnesses And No More Apologies

I found this the other day after church, right before everything went upside down, and it still rings true. Now we can go back to how the story of my unravelling weekend.

You may have noticed I seemingly dropped off the face of the earth. Being sick can do that to you. So I'll tell you about my last 4 days and we'll go from there.

Saturday was poised to be an epic day. We had horseback riding lessons and then a birthday party 5 minutes from our home with some of our most favorite people for a fantastic day. It was lightly overcast and they had a pool. We were in! 

Saturday was kind of a perfect day, honestly. We were in great company. I was comfortable and relaxed. I loved the vibe and the tribe and was truly having fun. My daughter took awhile to kind of get in and get comfy but once she did, she wouldn't budge. We were there all day for a total of 8 hours of fun. I tried to leave earlier, and it didn't work, because we were just having too much of a great time.

We got home and crashed wonderfully and hard, with Sunday plans on the horizon as well. Normally after that kind of Saturday I would have insisted that we stay home and recuperate, but I was already having early coffee with a friend and I felt like I had to make an appearance at church.

Read that last sentence again. The weight of "get yourself to church," was so intense lately. Admittedly it was about 90% self-imposed, but church life had been a struggle. With my husband working 6 days a week, and now Sunday being one of them, church just hadn't factored in. With my personal struggles and refocus on my family life, church just wasn't a priority. But this Sunday, I put my best foot forward and said, "Okay, let's go." 

I walked in and got the guilt immediately and just tried to power through. The sermon, however, was super trigger-y for me from the previous week. I had recently acknowledged my recent weight gain and discomfort and had gone insanely full blast into double work outs, closely watching what I ate, and making sure I was mindful about everything. The sermon was pretty much about what you put into your body affecting your spiritual life. I had a hard time with a lot of it because for me it was far more complicated than that.

I got the gist, I totally understood all of it, but it's all so much easier said than done, and also didn't have time for the consideration of mental health issues, and addiction issues, in my humble opinion. I come from a place of mental health struggles, food struggles, and a family rooted in addiction and these things are more complicated and all a learning experience. When I found out about my thyroid issues I did all of the recommendations for diet changes only to gain weight and feel worse. Part of my depression therapy was keeping myself on a healthy balance of sleep, exercise and food and finding ways to find joy in them all. I married a chef! Food is life! So having it all tie into spiritual wellness was outside of the box enough to just trigger weird things within me.

So, while the message was positive in intent, and a great discussion it was trigger city for this girl. Why? Because I struggle to balance it all. I'm supposed to take care of and support my family, my daughter, my husband, and my dog, all while making time to work out, stay fit, and be a model for my kid, and keep us all on track for everything in moderation and it's exhausting. Look, from time to time, I want the damned Cheetos, but you learn the balance and moderation, and I follow this with spirituality too. 

Maybe it was a trigger because I had brownies at the party, covered in icing and it was the first day all week I didn't obsess over food, only to walk in and feel kind of mentally ambushed. Maybe it was a trigger because food is a serious weakness for me. That day I didn't eat anything until about 2PM. 

We had snuck in an impromptu play date on Sunday at 3PM and I honestly tried to keep the kid eating and happy but wasn't as food-attentive as I usually am. I managed a quick grocery shop in between things too. We'd had almost no down time. By 6PM we were all feeling tired and done when my daughter found her own way to end the play date, by puking on our floor.

I'm not the mom that freaks out about this. I'm the mom that calmly cleans it up, snuggles the kid and makes sure she is comfy. Thus began our long night.

She didn't stop the every-so-often evacuation of her system until about 10PM and by 9PM I had resigned to the fact I'd be calling out Monday and snuggled her in with me, kicking out my husband to the guest room, which he gladly took over. But, at 11PM something came for me by way of stomach cramps and discomfort. Mine was seemingly less than my daughter had suffered. What did we catch? Not a single fever. Both normal temperature-d as ever. We returned to sleep until about 7 the next morning.

Monday morning my kid was ready to eat. Mommy had a slight headache. We had some toast and crackers. Things were mostly okay. When my daughter was bouncing into full recovery that's when her exact progression from the night before hit me, hard and I had to call in my husband for back-up. It was discovered we had intensive heat exhaustion and dehydration. Tuesday was "learn how to eat again" and recover day. Today is my first day back to life.

I kept thinking in the throws of pain and suffering that we shouldn't have gone to church. It was laughable irony, all that ungodly food being forced from our bodies. It was not as though that had cursed us or worked against us or was somehow bad, but just that I should have guarded us better for rest. And then I found the list above. "I don't need to do what everyone wants me to do." Just because church was a good thing awhile ago, doesn't mean I should force it now, especially if it is just too much in every way.

"I don't have to anticipate everyone's needs." It's my job to anticipate the needs of my daughter, my husband, my dog and myself. That's it. Everyone else can chill out, please and thank you. Sometimes I'm a tired mama. "I don't need anyone to approve of me." Okay we ALL struggle with this one. We all want people to like and approve of us, it's completely human. This one is a work in progress. I certainly don't want to be the red-headed heathen.

"I don't have to explain myself." This one I need tattooed on my forehead because I really don't. Sorry, not sorry. No more apologies! "I don't need to feel guilty about my boundaries." No I don't, if I just need some time, I just need some time. "I don't have to say yes if I want to say no." I need to repeat this daily because I get cornered into stuff I don't want to do, TOO OFTEN. Again, sorry not sorry.

"I don't need to feel bad for staying home." Yeah I'm not doing that anymore. My home is my haven and you can find me there, and I will no longer feel bad about choosing my safe space over anything stressful. "I don't have to over-extend myself to be enough." Oh man do I wrestle with that one too! One day at a time right?

"I don't need to feel the way someone else feels." This one was Sunday in a nutshell. I liked the spirit of the message, I just won't pretend I feel exactly the same about things and I won't pretend it didn't trigger me. "I don't have to minimize my emotions." No I do not. I can feel what I want, and so can you! 

"I don't need to pretend I'm different than I am." THIS ONE! I'm a full time working mother of an amazing child, wife to a chef who are both working so hard on their marriage, and I'm the daughter of addiction, divorce and dysfunction trying to find my way. I'm not pretending to be anyone but her. 

"I don't have to put others before myself." My kid, my husband and my dog, in that order, are the only people I might "have to" put before me, but really that is just motherhood and marriage. Regardless, the rest of the world I don't need to keep putting before me and I think I need to read and write that repeatedly.

This weekend and the two sick days put an obscene amount of things into perspective for me and I'm carrying them close beside me. I was reminded that working hard, playing hard and resting harder are way more important than over-booking and should-ing all over myself on a regular basis. I realized how far my husband my husband and I have come, just in the last few months on being there for each other. I realized how much of a mom I am, for better or for worse and I should never let my guard down when it comes to momming right, if you will.

But mostly I realized I'm too old for all the guilt, drama, and putting extra stress on myself for no reason. Life can give you enough trouble as it is, I definitely don't need to make my own. For the rest of this week, I'll blog when I can. I'll do what I can, and I'll feel grateful for where I am on the journey. I have a feeling the posts might even get better as I find my footing again. Thanks for sticking with me!

I Love When My Kid is Sick - In A Non-Creepy Way

I literally had a conversation last weekend with a fellow parent, a dad even, and we agreed that when our kids are sick, we kinda love it. This isn't some psychotic creepy love of sickly children. We just love when they really need us. They want to just snuggle and be calm. They ask you for what they need, there is no time or energy for a tantrum about anything, and they are crazy sweet. So I don't love when my child is sick in like a Munchausen syndrome by proxy way, but more like, they finally slow down and just chill with you.

This is my Sunday, and on days like this, which I'm fortunate enough end up on weekends more often than not, I get a lot done around the house but also get time for myself to reboot. She's allowed to literally watch endless television and the dog is happy cuddling all day with someone. 

It's so funny how things work out. Usually when she's sick I go into panic mode of "I can't miss work!" But, I actually can. At my current job I'm lucky enough that I never get punished for missing work. It's pretty refreshing. Friday I just felt off and was allowed to leave work early. I literally got everything important done before I left. Everything else can usually wait and I feel so appreciative for that.

I cleaned most of the house and it's 11:15AM on a Sunday. I'm already back in my pajamas after a quick grocery store run before my husband had to go to work. I went through all of my daughter's toys and got rid of a bunch of stuff she didn't need. I reorganized a bit. I purged some stuff. I may even go through her clothes and rotate out some things today. I have some sewing that I've been neglecting also.

It's weirdly refreshing when you have time to tackle things. Of course I'll leave steam cleaning the floors last because that I just an annoying job in my opinion. However, it's nice after the week I had to have this kind of day today.

The next week has a few different kinds of anniversaries for our family and can have a lot of emotional baggage, but I'm going at them with all the positive vibes. It's so weird how after everything this weekend, and feeling so ill, and now having a sick kid, I'm somehow in this freakishly optimistic mood. Like I'm just not worried or stressing, but just happy that things are coming together.

I've made it six months of posting and Friday marks the first day I actually missed. I'm proud of that and even though two more posts will be missed shortly here, I still am impressed with myself that I haven't lost out to anything else. These are important moments. Truly. 

So, with laundry to fold, purging to do, bathrooms and floors to clean, I go forth onto this Sunday ready to rock.