Hurdles In Healing

I've spent how many blog posts waxing on about emotional, spiritual and mental healing? Okay maybe let's not count those. What about other healing though?

You scrape a knee, hangnail or stub a toe? Maybe you do some neosporin and a bandaid? Everyone is different. After my illness last week, boy do I have to heal. And here is where I am with it, which of course has me thinking in all terms of metaphors and other themes.

I'm totally not back to my full self yet. I'm careful with food, coffee, treats and so on because I'm super sensitive to everything with my body right now. I had a really rough workout this morning because I woke up with stomach cramps not knowing if I should go or not. I had to take it easy working out.

I'm not a "take it easy" kind of gal. I constantly push myself. I always want a good challenge so patience with healing is not me. This morning I realized that whatever my body is going through, everything is telling me to SLOW DOWN.

It's almost too funny, the irony of my body literally rejecting going back to life and getting sick the night we returned home. We pretend these things are inconvenient coincidences, but maybe they are legit signs to pay attention to. Did we have such a great vacation, one that ended weirdly with a little bit of a disagreement with my husband and an uneasy ride home that my body completely rebelled against coming back to routines?

You can speculate whatever you want but I'm more attune to the idea that emotionally, mentally and spiritually I have more power over my body than I think. What do personal trainers say? "Mind over matter?" There is truth in the cliches.

We go to therapy to heal mental wounds, but with physical ailments we take medicines and get shots and rarely let our bodies rest. I'll give it to my 6 year old but she was completely right, forcing myself to go back to work that following morning was not a good idea. I needed the rest.

So what are my hurdles in physical healing? They are ironically mostly mental. Now I second guess on what I may have overlooked within my body before my nasty illness overtook my day to day. I'm now wondering what every cramp and moment of discomfort is telling me. Is this a new "normal?' Will my body go back to pre-illness regularity?

We joke that getting older sucks and that what we got away with in our teen and twenties is long gone but it's completely true. I had a better metabolism and very lax caffeine effects compared to now. I can't have iced tea in the evening or it messes with my sleep. I can't drink too much alcohol, which means more than two glasses in one sitting with food, or it can ruin me an entire day. And now, I'm pretty careful about what I'm allowing my tummy to wrestle.

See if I Google it I probably have a tapeworm or something insane. So I sit here hypothesizing and worrying about never getting back to what I thought was normal. Then as I'm trying to figure out what to write about today, I realized I need to embrace whatever my body is telling me and that this may be my new version of normal.

Last night in the homework war, uncharacteristic to my normal self, I used the most calm tone ever talking about the tasks. I refocused her. I didn't yell if she had some crying jag outburst. I just said, okay, "If you need to feel your feelings that's fine, but if you can persist and get through what we need to do, you can spend your evening the way you asked me to earlier. Otherwise those privileges will be lost." It seemed to work much better.

Everything around me, is screaming "SLOW DOWN." Besides my body physically telling me, my anxiety, and things going on in my personal life, I'm just very much yielding to the probability that the new "shake up" in the routine, means taking things so much slower instead of some ridiculous race to get stuff done.

I'm learning to heal all over now. I'm completely in it. We are a couple months away from 2020. All of the motivational things and funny memes are coming out about it's entrance into our calendars. What am I feeling? I think 2019 has been incredible growth. Nothing is perfect and everything in my life is a current work in progress; completely in flux. But I'm not miserable, depressed or overly anxious. I'm making things work. I'm taking things as they come. And that is huge.

Healing may not be linear, which is fact, but I'm just continuing to heal, all over. It is completely encompassing me. There will be many hurdles in healing. There always are. But today, in the midst of the stomach cramps and gurgles, the morning out of routine and the workout that was super difficult on my body and lungs, I just realized "Okay, here I am, healing and working it out one step at a time." I can only do what I can with what I'm dealt. What a revelation! And so I soldier on!

Ask And Ye Shall Receive...The Most Out Of Shape Person Who Works Out There Ever Was

It's been almost exactly 3 months since boot camp ended; 3 months. I miss it, I do but I don't miss running. At my latest obsession, 9 Rounds Kickboxing Fitness, you don't have to run. It is my single favorite thing about the new gym. No running.

I haven't hidden my recent weight and self esteem struggle at all. I think it popped up in May and at every nagging voice about my weight, I'd shove something down it's metaphorical throat to shut it up. I went through clothes in May and some shorts were a little bit tighter than last summer. I gave them away because "they weren't sparking joy." I justified. I was trying so hard to stay positive but it was killing me.

No diet change, I'm working out 5 to 6 times a week at 9 Rounds, sometimes even a double workout day one of those days, how could I have gained weight? Then I caved and did the thyroid. Maybe it was worse than I thought right? Boy did I pay for being wrong on that one!

It wasn't until my blissful, yet bloated weekend with my husband that I finally realized, okay something is just off. I had a glimmer of hope with some summer spin class time, but then I started obsessing about it mentally. 

I thought, "Okay you've only lost weight since the baby, when you're doing double work outs, so, maybe that is just what your body is demanding of you. You can do that." But then I realized, I have very limited time to do extra anymore. Perhaps I could bribe my child to sit idly at 9 Rounds in the evenings, but she needed her chill time, hell, so did I so that doesn't seem fair.

Then I asked my husband to clean the garage after taking to Pinterest and pinning all those workouts I'll never ever do but are a click away if I need them! I told my husband we needed a mock work out space near the heavy bag so we have less excuses. He actually cleared space yesterday.

But I also realized something and it was like a light-bulb going off in my frenzied mind; the apartment complex adjoining our office suite has a fitness center and I bet we have access to it, because we're all in one big ass space. I'm actually quite good friends with the building manager, I should at least ASK.

Of course that afternoon she took much longer than usual to reply but she said, yes, it is very much available for me to use and directed me to it. I ran right up there, low to no expectations to check it out. It was perfect! Two treadmills, an elliptical and a bike, some weights...and not a soul was in there...this was it!

So I plotted and planned and I decided that since I eat my lunch at my desk anyway, I will be using that room daily and just changing in and out and de-sweating a bit, and 30 minutes of a treadmill run or bike ride will make all the difference. Today was my first day, and MY GOODNESS!

I am officially the most out of shape person who works out 6 days a week that there ever was. How could this be? Let me tell you...BECAUSE I STOPPED JOGGING! It made me so mad. I got on that treadmill and felt like I hadn't run in a year. I said, okay, maybe not at the speed I was 6 months ago. Then everything started to hurt, and I only made it 10 minutes. I caved, I walked the treadmill then hopped over to the elliptical.

It was then that it dawned on me; my body was so used to such large levels of cardio that the kickboxing just wasn't enough. This is discouraging for a million reasons but I'll just list my top five. 1) I feel more intensely like I'm burning more in kickboxing than I had a boot camp. 2) I don't actually "enjoy" running. 3) I practice mindful eating habits, in that I do my best to do everything in moderation. 4) I drink less than half of what I did 2 years ago so this feels very unfair. 5) I'm working out 6 days a week at 30 minutes a pop, I really shouldn't be getting thicker!

Everyone said I was nuts, "Oh you look fine." I got on that My Fitness Pal and did a one day food log and my normal day to day was not only less than 2,000 daily calories, but less than 1,500 unless I splurged, which technically still leaves me 500 left AND I work out! What the hell man! It was becoming so daunting and mentally oppressive.

I had a friend starting Keto and a new workout thing and I have my own personal reservations and issues with Keto, well and all diets really but I just know it's not for me. I've seen people thrive on Keto, so more power to them, you have my full support but it is not for me.

When I got on that treadmill today, it all became clear. I need more hardcore cardio, whether I like it or not. Instead of getting all annoyed, I actually just embraced it. I had a cute little free fitness studio to myself. A secret lunch getaway for me to spend an hour the best way I can, and still have an evening to be a mom. I couldn't ask for more!

The sweaty work return thing, I know sounds less than desirable but here's the thing, there is a seriously creepy guy at work, and the more revolting I am, this can only help keep him on the other side of the office. Also, I don't share an immediate space that would have any B.O. I so possess, being so offensive that I would literally have hygiene complaints although I will report back if I'm stinkier than I think.

I love 9 Rounds and definitely won't give up on that any time soon, but I definitely feel lucky I have this opportunity to actually get me back into shape AND that I got the validation that I needed because I was starting to feel insane. I have no problem working out extra to combat the thyroid drama and my crappy metabolism. I have a huge problem working out a normal amount and gaining for no good reason. If I'm going to gain weight, I better be living the high life with Champagne, steak and all the cheese and bread I can stand! 

I'm always ready for new challenges and I think this will be my best one yet. Of course I'm sure you'll read all about it. Happy Wednesday readers!

Workout, Errands, Mom, Repeat

I've had quite the anxious flare the past few days. To combat, it's distraction, distraction, distraction and working out is always at the top of my list with that. The transition to my new obsession, 9 Rounds kickboxing, was much easier and more positive than I had originally imagined.

9 Rounds is a new phenomenon of 30 minute kickboxing circuits, 3 minutes each round, and there are no class times, you just go during operating hours and start at the bell. I'm that weirdo who needs a 5AM workout block or maybe 5:30AM at least. I'm a working mom who commutes a good 40 minutes, if not longer, and I need to get my stuff done EARLY because summoning the energy after 6PM is often impossible.

I can't lie, it really helps to punch things. Ironically when we first moved to WestChase about 8 years ago, we were one block away from the newest kickboxing fad, and of course now the name escapes me, but I was desperate to join. Hubby was convinced I'd hurt myself and it was also crazy expensive. Now I found a place that works for the budget, the time and is the stuff of my workout dreams. Did I also mention no running? I love to not run. 

Today, on Good Friday, I have a miraculous day off filled with Easter errands and even a little fun. As part of Florida life the forecast is completely horrifying and I'm sure will include rain and thunderstorms, but I will not be deterred.

Somehow my mom ingrained in me this weird routine on me from my childhood of Peeps, new socks, new underwear, and a bathing suit in my Easter Basket. I'm one of the few people on this planet that actually enjoy Peeps. My daughter will be getting similar things, between my mom and I but is obsessed with chocolate so I definitely have to go get those supplies today.

This morning I was able to get my daughter ready for after care myself, pack her lunch, and drop her off, which is not something that happens often. I was also able to guest star at my former, new and re-designed, boot camp for a volleyball court sandy workout, after I had already done 30 minutes at 9 Rounds. I was pretty proud of me.

Currently I am blogging in my favorite local bakery, awaiting a breakfast date, before hitting the mall later with another friend and then dinner after I pick up my little one, bathe her and get her ready for Grandma time. It ended up being a very full day in the best way.

These are the days where I feel I can thrive well and mentally reboot because, I repeat, distraction, distraction, distraction. Pinpointing the anxiety triggers can be as exhausting as the anxiety itself, but sometimes it really helps me to sift through, even the most uncomfortable parts of it all.

When I was younger I used to write poetry or do a lot of painting and now time gets in the way of those things often. This blog has become my most productive, albeit diatribe-y use of my time for letting some things out into the universe.

Sometimes I'm kind of hard to explain to people. Often, I'm not fully "gotten" by people. I had a friend ask me about going to Good Friday service which is about 30 minutes away from our home at our church. Last year I tried with my daughter and I carried her out of there screaming and punching me. She was the only kid in attendance and they had no daycare. Also, the Good Friday stations of the cross stuff is slightly severe for little ones. I loathed this time of year when I was in Catholic School; the stations took hours!

Not only did I forget that today was actually Good Friday in that sense but to drive up there for a 6ish service and then home sounded exhausting and, by default, was the only Friday I could get my mom to babysit for a night out with a friend I'd been trying to connect with for a month. Sometimes you gotta do you instead of get stuck in what you "should" do. Besides, I'll be there like a good churchgoer on Sunday.

Most of my days feel like a routine of Workout, Errands/Work, be a Mom and repeat and some are more successful than others. I work hard not to overdue it but know I need to get out and be social and coexist more often. 

I'm able to kick my anxiety, in some ways, when I workout often, have good interactions with good friends, and get myself away from having time to "obsess and mentally wander." Working out extra makes me so tired that I can't stay up overthinking and over analyzing and I'm also often too tired to eat my feelings aka binge on Oreos and junk out of stress.

Mom stuff goes both ways. Sometimes I feel like this together, competent, attentive mom. Sometimes I feel like I'm one step away from an evil queen in a Disney movie locking someone away in a tower. It just depends on the day. 

I'm so lucky that my job doesn't leave me to carry too much stress around with me outside of the office, so rarely does my anxiety get me there but more so in the calm or down time. I'll find my way again and we all get into a funk but I think it's important to get yourself out of said funk on your own if at all possible.

I tend to thrive best in the comfort of certain cohorts, with excess workouts, a little meal planning, a little splurging, and a lot of time to mentally reboot and sleep. Often I take a huge step back from social media but with blog promotion, that's tough but it's something I'm very much considering right now. The blog would still be posted daily but the daily updates on Facebook and Insta would take a pause.

For today with the impending stormy weather, I'm ready to storm into my tasks and take names. I'm pretty determined to make this into very much a Good Friday if not even a great one. Have a wonderful holiday weekend readers and I will report back tomorrow on whether or not today was as designed!