Ask And Ye Shall Receive...The Most Out Of Shape Person Who Works Out There Ever Was

It's been almost exactly 3 months since boot camp ended; 3 months. I miss it, I do but I don't miss running. At my latest obsession, 9 Rounds Kickboxing Fitness, you don't have to run. It is my single favorite thing about the new gym. No running.

I haven't hidden my recent weight and self esteem struggle at all. I think it popped up in May and at every nagging voice about my weight, I'd shove something down it's metaphorical throat to shut it up. I went through clothes in May and some shorts were a little bit tighter than last summer. I gave them away because "they weren't sparking joy." I justified. I was trying so hard to stay positive but it was killing me.

No diet change, I'm working out 5 to 6 times a week at 9 Rounds, sometimes even a double workout day one of those days, how could I have gained weight? Then I caved and did the thyroid. Maybe it was worse than I thought right? Boy did I pay for being wrong on that one!

It wasn't until my blissful, yet bloated weekend with my husband that I finally realized, okay something is just off. I had a glimmer of hope with some summer spin class time, but then I started obsessing about it mentally. 

I thought, "Okay you've only lost weight since the baby, when you're doing double work outs, so, maybe that is just what your body is demanding of you. You can do that." But then I realized, I have very limited time to do extra anymore. Perhaps I could bribe my child to sit idly at 9 Rounds in the evenings, but she needed her chill time, hell, so did I so that doesn't seem fair.

Then I asked my husband to clean the garage after taking to Pinterest and pinning all those workouts I'll never ever do but are a click away if I need them! I told my husband we needed a mock work out space near the heavy bag so we have less excuses. He actually cleared space yesterday.

But I also realized something and it was like a light-bulb going off in my frenzied mind; the apartment complex adjoining our office suite has a fitness center and I bet we have access to it, because we're all in one big ass space. I'm actually quite good friends with the building manager, I should at least ASK.

Of course that afternoon she took much longer than usual to reply but she said, yes, it is very much available for me to use and directed me to it. I ran right up there, low to no expectations to check it out. It was perfect! Two treadmills, an elliptical and a bike, some weights...and not a soul was in there...this was it!

So I plotted and planned and I decided that since I eat my lunch at my desk anyway, I will be using that room daily and just changing in and out and de-sweating a bit, and 30 minutes of a treadmill run or bike ride will make all the difference. Today was my first day, and MY GOODNESS!

I am officially the most out of shape person who works out 6 days a week that there ever was. How could this be? Let me tell you...BECAUSE I STOPPED JOGGING! It made me so mad. I got on that treadmill and felt like I hadn't run in a year. I said, okay, maybe not at the speed I was 6 months ago. Then everything started to hurt, and I only made it 10 minutes. I caved, I walked the treadmill then hopped over to the elliptical.

It was then that it dawned on me; my body was so used to such large levels of cardio that the kickboxing just wasn't enough. This is discouraging for a million reasons but I'll just list my top five. 1) I feel more intensely like I'm burning more in kickboxing than I had a boot camp. 2) I don't actually "enjoy" running. 3) I practice mindful eating habits, in that I do my best to do everything in moderation. 4) I drink less than half of what I did 2 years ago so this feels very unfair. 5) I'm working out 6 days a week at 30 minutes a pop, I really shouldn't be getting thicker!

Everyone said I was nuts, "Oh you look fine." I got on that My Fitness Pal and did a one day food log and my normal day to day was not only less than 2,000 daily calories, but less than 1,500 unless I splurged, which technically still leaves me 500 left AND I work out! What the hell man! It was becoming so daunting and mentally oppressive.

I had a friend starting Keto and a new workout thing and I have my own personal reservations and issues with Keto, well and all diets really but I just know it's not for me. I've seen people thrive on Keto, so more power to them, you have my full support but it is not for me.

When I got on that treadmill today, it all became clear. I need more hardcore cardio, whether I like it or not. Instead of getting all annoyed, I actually just embraced it. I had a cute little free fitness studio to myself. A secret lunch getaway for me to spend an hour the best way I can, and still have an evening to be a mom. I couldn't ask for more!

The sweaty work return thing, I know sounds less than desirable but here's the thing, there is a seriously creepy guy at work, and the more revolting I am, this can only help keep him on the other side of the office. Also, I don't share an immediate space that would have any B.O. I so possess, being so offensive that I would literally have hygiene complaints although I will report back if I'm stinkier than I think.

I love 9 Rounds and definitely won't give up on that any time soon, but I definitely feel lucky I have this opportunity to actually get me back into shape AND that I got the validation that I needed because I was starting to feel insane. I have no problem working out extra to combat the thyroid drama and my crappy metabolism. I have a huge problem working out a normal amount and gaining for no good reason. If I'm going to gain weight, I better be living the high life with Champagne, steak and all the cheese and bread I can stand! 

I'm always ready for new challenges and I think this will be my best one yet. Of course I'm sure you'll read all about it. Happy Wednesday readers!

Closer To Fine: Five Bad Days, Worst $23 Bucks I've Ever Spent, Being Right Never Gets Old

I've been complaining about my Thyroid issues. Hopefully this is the last rant for awhile. So, when getting all this blood drawn they find out I'm more or less defective. Kidding; but my thyroid levels are off, which can lead to bigger problems down the road. My symptoms were pretty benign and manage-able in my opinion, but what do I know? I've only had this body for 34 years.

For whatever reasons I have a rough time with medicine, hospitals and healthcare. Not on a political level, just in general. Maybe it was growing up visiting retirement homes with my Pastor Father, ill patients here and there and my mother being a grief counselor with Hospice, but I just associated sickness and death with all things medical for a very long time. 

Having spent my most formative years in Oregon where natural and homeopathic options are easier to get than anything else, that was always the first option. I remember for menstrual cramps my sister had me on all these herbs and tinctures. It was a pain in the ass but they worked! For me, western medicine was always a last resort and my body always seemed to have more intense reactions to it than most.

The thyroid thing didn't seem important to me. I had a friend suffering the same thing and she had intense symptoms. Mine were pretty standard and not severe at all. They said they could get me on meds after my May blood draw came back worse. Ironically this was after I'd done the dietary suggestions, cutting out most of my go to and comfort foods (spinach, veggie pasta, brussel sprouts, pizza and kale), and it made no difference, it actually just made me more miserable. 

I noticed some slight weight gain and since I work out a minimum of 5 days a week at 30 minutes a pop, while I don't need to win a beauty pageant, I'd rather maintain than gain. So I said fine, we'll give western medicine a go. My friend said the synthetic thyroid one messed with her sleep so she changed to the natural one and has done much better.

When I called my doctor I said, "Well I want to be on the natural one." The first name they threw out wasn't the one my friend was on. I said, "No I think it's just called like, Nature Thyroid?" They diverted back to, "We'll start you on this one." The prescription sat for two days as I still had seriously mixed feelings.

I very much am coined as a drama queen about medical and prescription stuff because I've always had very rough reactions. Everyone acts like I'm just overstating because I'm not actually allergic to anything, so to speak. My husband was encouragingly saying, "They will take an adjustment but it's a good step and it will make a difference."

Let me just say, he wasn't wrong. The first day I felt so confident and was like, "Yeah this is going to make me feel less tired and be more healthy!" Day one ended with the worst migraine I have had in a decade to the point where I couldn't lift my head off the pillow and slept for 11 hours straight with the help of my old friend, "Excedrin PM." Day two I was a little nauseated and foggy. Day 3 was the first morning it was taking it's toll. I had a low grade fever, serious chills and couldn't get enough water. It was like that scene in Me, Myself and Irene where the medication gave him insane cottonmouth:

 

The nausea was rough as I'm a puker as it is meaning, at the slightest bit of anything being off in my body, I'm vomiting. My appetite was numb almost and I felt this spacey, body high but not the good kind where you're having fun. Days 4 and 5 were killer, just out of this world discomfort with low fever, aches, weird, intense joint pain and my husband said my sleep was just not well at all. I had no feeling of being asleep or awake and was relying on Excedrin PM to help the pain every night.

Yesterday I called my doctor and they have yet to return that call. I tried to talk myself around it. I tried to rationalize and tell my body to suck it up but I was like...this isn't getting better, it's actually getting worse and I just can't live like this. I had to cancel moms night out plans because I was so afraid I'd puke wine on the bar if we went out.

I made the executive decision to stop taking them. In my optimism I had gotten 90 days worth of meds and dropped $23 bucks on that stupid prescription that I'll never see again but today, without the pill, the difference is already huge. There's a disappointed sadness in me that I wasn't heard by the doctor and also, that I let everyone talk me into something I was unsure about it, but at least today I can feel that without being sick on top of it.

This morning I skipped a workout and snuggled my daughter and husband, oh and the dog too. I enjoyed a cup of coffee for the first time in a week, and I don't feel like I'm completely ill. Don't get me wrong, I have some residual but much lighter nausea, I had a brief dizzy spell this morning and I'm still quite thirsty but I can think better, I feel less foggy and my joints don't hurt. For me it's a step in the right direction.

When I was my most sick yesterday, it was after I made myself a glorious cup of green ginger tea and then immediately felt like I was going to puke repeatedly so I stuffed down some bland mac and cheese leftovers from a failed dinner out, to calm my stomach, that I realized...okay I don't care about the weight gain, nothing is worth this discomfort. Next weekend is a big weekend in my life, and we have important plans. This weekend we have important plans too and I just couldn't picture feeling this ill through it all. I decided, no more, I won't live like this.

I Googled over and over again the Levoxothyroxine or something or other side effects. I had like 6 of 9 under the "Call your doctor if" column. I kept trying to rationalize the sickness blaming allergies or anxiety or my daughter having a cough but today is my affirmation it was the pills and not me. My joints don't hurt. I'm aware and awake instead of more tired and frail. Yesterday I even stared in the mirror for a minute and just felt like I looked, pale and uncomfortable. Today I might snap a selfie!

While I'm happy I tried it, I still have this overwhelming grief of how it all went down. I have diagnosed Anxiety and Depression, which are two of the side effects of the thyroid meds. To manage those with therapy and in daily life, I have many tools but my nervousness and anxiousness just were so un-manage-able with that medicine. I wish I was taken more seriously but I also need to stand up for myself. I really do, and this was quite the rough lesson in that. 

I really wish I didn't lose out on that $23 bucks, which I know sounds dumb but come on, that's half a tank of gas or a nice lunch out! The lesson is I have to be my own advocate and stand up tall about what's right for me, no matter how short I am. The truth is, I know my body the absolute best and no one can tell me otherwise. There was a part of me that hoped I'd be wrong and I'd be fine or that it would only have positive effects but I have no control of that. Being right never does get old, does it?

Today I am closer to fine. I feel so happy I'm almost back to myself. By next weekend when I take some much needed time away, I'm sure I'll be back to manage-able me and sorry, not sorry that being out of my comfort zone this time around, was not worth hurting my body. I even feel like my posts were foggy and I was so uncomfortable I couldn't even proof-read much because I was so frenzied! I'm glad to feel almost Alison again.

The Side Effects Of Attempting To Be Health-Conscious

Maybe I spent too many years around hippies. Maybe I spent too long on crazy diets and hating my body. Maybe I am just a stubborn woman, but last week I hit my max and I opted for western medicine. Today I'm struggling with the side effects.

In attempts of adulting we are low-grade insured but insured regardless. So we went and got physicals and blood draws. My 3 draws over the past 9 months kept returning worse and worse levels of thyroid stuff meaning I have an under-active thyroid. When I Googled this, turns out I had like 10 out of 13 symptoms. None of these symptoms felt, un-manageable to me. I have a hard time losing weight but lots of people do. I'm always tired but I'm a mom who works full time. I have dry skin and hair because, well sometimes that's par for the course, right?

When I switched workout routines in no way did I expect some miracle weight loss. I'm not dieting nor do I believe in crazy diets anyway anymore, but my diet hasn't changed and I've gained some weight. I work out 30 minutes 5 or 6 times a week, I haven't been eating in excess or changed my normal regime and I've gained...for no apparent reason. Not okay for me.

My last bad blood test finally brought up the idea of medication to which I said we could wait for, but with this whole weight gain thing, enough was enough. I decided to get the prescription. I have a friend who recently started treating her thyroid stuff too and she gave me lots of good resources and advice. So Saturday I started the medicine.

I have to take it at the same time daily and I can't eat food or drink coffee for an hour after having the medicine. This part wasn't difficult for me. I'm up at 5AM five days a week to workout, and if I take it around then, by the time I get home from the gym, make my lunch, make the coffee, and make breakfast, that's well after an hour. I was told the common side effect is it messing with your sleep. Unfortunately I've had other fun side effects instead.

This is day 4. Day one ended with a nasty migraine and nausea. Day two was okay but I had a lot of rest. Yesterday I had intense dry mouth, thirst and nausea. I also felt really spacey and had fluctuations in hot and cold. Today is much more nausea, intense thirst and dry mouth again, spacey and hot flashes among general discomfort. I'm told this is all trial and error but are we there yet?

I know I have to be patient, but boy is it rough. I'm not good at feeling "off." I'm not good at feeling "less than" or not capable of all things normal but I hope to push through. It's ironic that feeling all of this is supposed to get me healthier. I'm having to remind myself of the greater good, the big picture and one day at a time. Some moments are easier than others.

I've never really taken anything besides prenatal vitamins that were prescribed and it's definitely a journey. I'm drinking so much water I swear I'm in the bathroom once an hour and it takes me most of the morning to get over the spacey feeling. I definitely need a good night's sleep tonight too.

I think my mental struggle is that thyroid issues can cause heart problems so I don't want to mess around there, but unless I start to generally feel better, am I actually being health conscious with all of this? That's where I'm having a rough time.

Temporary. Everything is temporary. These reminders are crucial right now and I carry them with me. So I ask all of you to be a little patient with the blog as I'm not on my usual game right now but am here if you all want to reach out to me for story ideas and suggestions. Happy Tuesday!

Weight A Minute

Weight stuff sucks. I just text my husband a "feeling fat" reference and he told me that your body fluctuates up to 3 to 5 pounds difference a day and not to feel discouraged. My shorts are telling me something else, I feel.

I gave up "diets" forever ago and I found that everything in moderation works best. I can be super extreme about diets. When I was on Weight Watchers a decade ago, I used to eat like 4 servings of low fat soup, and save all of my calories and cheat points for liquid calories or an order like this one:

I can also just not eat. It's like a medieval challenge for me to starve. This is not the correct approach, I found. I also hate the idea of missing out on food, or fun because of dieting.

For years I worked in close proximity to what I call "Food Shamers." You were damned if you do, damned if you don't. You were highly praised for losing weight when noticed, and side comments were always made. It was not a happy environment. If you were given "free lunch" you would feel guilted into eating but then shamed for eating Pizza, Chik-Fil-A or whatever, later. It was maddening.

It was after that I realized I wanted to eat and do whatever. That also backfired. Calories suck. It is now, with many workouts, endless therapy, age and my thyroid working against me, that it's all about moderation, all the time.

So this morning I put on my shorts that I haven't worn since...October maybe? In October I was still going to spin and boot camp. I had just toned up like a boss and was gradually getting out of obsessive workout mode and into mental health matters. The shorts were a little tight. Frustrating.

I refuse to watch the Marie Kondo thing on Netflix but I get the whole "not sparking joy" thing to the point where I purged my whole closet. Any pants that made me feel fat or less than, have moved on. And also some pairs of shorts. I refuse to feel "badly" about myself in what I'm wearing.

So I talked myself down, "Okay, you haven't negatively changed your diet. You are still transitioning from Boot Camp to kickboxing which is just a whole new routine for your body to adjust to. You also just got the diagnosis that you have an underactive thyroid working against you. You don't LOOK unhealthy. You're good girl."

I text some friends for moral support. I did the mirror check at work. Then I listened to my Dax Shepard podcast and he said how important physical activity is, not for vanity, but for mental health and my self esteem perked right back up, why?

I'm in a way healthier mental space now, then I was consumed with double workouts, hating to run and feeling lack luster about routines. So what if my pants disagree. This is just affirmation of why I adore leggings more. 

I consider myself a body positive person, but also get a little worried when it comes to those heavier people that are technically and medically unhealthy. Be curvy, gorgeous women, but also be healthy. You can embrace your size but don't eat McDonald's 5 times a week. The health standards and balanced diets exist for a reason. You don't have to technically fit in, but also don't risk unnecessary health problems and shorter life span just because you want to not care about what you can eat.

By technical standards, I have never fit the "ideal weight" for my height and even at my most fit, and most skinny, I didn't fit into them, but my BMI was healthy, and had no health concerns. Sure, my thyroid is being a ridiculous challenge that has me fearing western medicine, but I work out 30 minutes a day 5 to 6 days a week, sometimes longer. I don't eat junk routinely and drink maybe one night a week or one night every few weeks, if that. I'm still curvy and not a size 0. Everyone is different.

I think we all struggle with our weight, whether or not we want to admit it, but we just need to "weight a minute." Life happens, some days you need two cupcakes, some days you don't. Food is amazing and I've never regret eating anything...anything that didn't give me food poisoning that is.

I love trying new things, desserts, and having great wine with it all. I'm willing to work for that, no questions asked. I realized very young that I cannot sit around and eat what I want. However, if I work out or participate in athletic activities I can care less about what I'm eating and just work on moderation. One cupcake, not four.

We will all have bad days, bloated and frumpy days, and days we think we're Beyonce. Just saying. 

My encouragement and pep talk is, do what works for you and makes you happy for your health level. Just "weight a minute" the next time you get a case of the "feeling yucky body moments" and think about your health. If you're doing what you can, and not pushing too many boundaries for your metabolism and such, you're doing awesome. Maybe there are other ways to improve upon? Aren't there always? 

Stay strong readers and just "weight a minute," because we all have those days when we just feel so, "bleh." But remember, you are Beyonce, always!

Under Active Is My Middle Name

My lunch break usually involves Publix. I had to get bananas for the class Valentine's Day party and for the past few visits I've found myself looking at different kinds of pasta as if to accept my fate. You see the Chriss fam moved up a bit in life, we have decent insurance now. So we did what you're supposed to do with insurance and we went to the doctor. And for me that included two blood draws and low levels of something or other that say "Under Active Thyroid."

The official diagnosis is just once test away but I'm already overthinking. Funny how my body under-acheives in some ways and overdrives in other. I'd first heard about this with another mom friend like months ago and lets just say we'll have many talks over wine after all this is said and done.

I did what you should never do and looked on WEB MD. Unfortunately like 10 out of the 12 symptoms are all Alison. Things like "Extreme sensitivity to cold, fatigue, always feeling tired, dry skin, trouble losing weight, depression." It was all just stuff I was used to. I thought that was just who I was now.

Then I saw the "Foods to avoid," section, which may as well be named "All my favorite things." Included were bread, butter, pasta, spinach, kale, brussel sprouts, sugary things and sweets. Yeah I love those all. My husband makes fun of the fact that I believe bread to be a snack!

So I had a blah day feeling really annoyed and inconvenienced, and a little mad at my body. If you've known me since my teen years I have always struggled with weight. In fact my mom announced to my daughter's after care program that I have "weight issues." It was after my daughter was born that I stopped believing I could eat whatever I wanted and taught myself, "You can eat anything you want...in moderation, and you're going to work for it." I finally felt like I had a healthy relationship with food.

And now I have to adjust. Is this part of resilience again? So I'll be trying zucchini, lentil and chickpea pastas, I'll be saying bye to bread in my regular diet, saying goodbye to most sweets, and replacing my spinach and kale addiction with spring mix and other lettuce. But I do feel like if this makes no damned difference, I'd rather just continue my healthy affair with food and exercise as it was established.

You see I'd accepted being uncomfortably cold and I now live in Florida. I've always just been that person that needs 8 hours of sleep to be kind and productive. The dry skin didn't happen until after the baby, but that's what lotion is for. And depression has been around forever. It's not until you look at everything together that it all clicks.

This is a manageable situation for sure, but I am very resistant to western medicine. Maybe I spent too long in Oregon, but I always try to go for natural, holistic methods and ways to deal with my body first, before the drugs get brought in. Yes, I'm that hippie.

I think what bothers me is the dancing around the "diagnosis." I mean is my thyroid under active? Is it on strike? Maybe it's really mad at me. Oh and I also read that stress makes everything much worse. To quote How I Met Your Mother, "Hey, have you met Ted?" I'm the queen of stress. I'm 90% stress and anxiety incarnate!

So I've just been Pinteresting and Googling and talking everything out, trying to get a grasp on this for the next test. I'm fully open to suggestions or commiserations and ready to just know what I'm dealing with but I'm not ready to say no to cupcakes, I will miss bread dearly and thank goodness they make different kinds of vegetable related pasta because I tried the gluten free pasta and that is NOT pasta. Sorry, not sorry.

Maybe this is more of my resilience or maybe that tiredness makes me too exhausted to fight back. Maybe I figure it can't hurt to try and abide by the food restrictions to see if I feel any different. Maybe this is just a part of adulthood. Maybe the test will come back and my thyroid will have gotten its act together. So many maybes!

This week is kind of my last hurrah, like a cheat meal because next week I have to take it all more seriously. I'm sure there will be many more reports of these shenanagins. Please feel free to message me if you have advice or have dealt with this stuff yourself and also, just know that the Under Active Thyroid club apparently has many members. I just feel we should meet at the bar, preferably a taco bar with margaritas.